Newly single, no career, self-esteem shattered; where do I go from here?
November 16, 2015 7:38 AM Subscribe
So, I feel like I am losing all grip on reality. I feel aimless, horrible…and confused. (continued below)
I am 29, turning 30 in March. My boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up about 3 months ago. We still continue to hang out on the weekends. (I know, I know.) Anyway, during our 4 years together, I was there for him when nobody else was. He had moved to Florida from Pennsylvania, and didn’t have much of a network of friends, his career was stagnant, he had no car, and drank every weekend. Red flags, right? But aside from this, we had a pretty solid friendship and felt truly in love with one another.
While we were dating, he was actively trying to advance his career (Corporate/IT Sales) and I was trying to get on my feet after graduating college just about 7 months prior. I really had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the economy wasn’t great for a while either, so finding a good job was hard for me. After about a year of doing a job I hated, I finally found something stable with benefits as a Legal Assistant, even though I have no interest in this field and the pay isn’t what I should be making at this stage in my life. I later decided to work on getting into the medical field, because it was something that always interested me, but I knew that I would be starting from scratch to make this transition. I finally had a “plan” working full-time while taking classes part-time to apply to Physician Assistant programs, and as a fall back – nursing.
Meanwhile, in my relationship, he and I had started to fight a lot around the end of year 3, and I moved back into my mom’s place (we were living together). We continued dating for a year thereafter. During this last year of our relationship, his life started to improve considerably. His career took off, and is making a lot more money, bought a brand new car, moved into a nice apartment etc. And I’m just chugging along, trying to get myself prepared to apply to PA school and working my crappy Legal Assisting job. Despite this, I thought things were going ok in our relationship until…he got drunk and cheated on me.
I immediately told him that we were done. For the initial week or two after the incident he was very apologetic and wanted to mend things, but I was so hurt and confused. When I finally came around and decided that maybe we can work on it, he changed his mind. He started giving me reasons why we weren’t good for each other and aren’t compatible, and that there are things about me that he just doesn’t like. One of those reasons? He was brutally honest - I am “complacent” in my Legal Assistant job even though I hate it, and we aren’t on “the same level” career wise. He thinks that I am too old to still be figuring things out or not having my stuff together. What?! It really hurt to hear this, because I haven’t been dealt the best hand in life and everything I try to accomplish is done completely on my own without the help of anyone. I am not complacent being a Legal Assistant but it pays my bills for now.
Anyway, sorry if this is really jumbled. I just feel like I was left in the dust since things are going great for him; he doesn’t need me anymore and I have nothing to offer him, apparently. I have no real career, I live with my mom, and now I’m single and going to be 30 soon. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I haven’t been able to focus on getting into PA school at all for the past several months because I’m so depressed. I am even having second thoughts about it all. Does anyone have any advice?? I feel like my life is being flipped upside down.
I am 29, turning 30 in March. My boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up about 3 months ago. We still continue to hang out on the weekends. (I know, I know.) Anyway, during our 4 years together, I was there for him when nobody else was. He had moved to Florida from Pennsylvania, and didn’t have much of a network of friends, his career was stagnant, he had no car, and drank every weekend. Red flags, right? But aside from this, we had a pretty solid friendship and felt truly in love with one another.
While we were dating, he was actively trying to advance his career (Corporate/IT Sales) and I was trying to get on my feet after graduating college just about 7 months prior. I really had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the economy wasn’t great for a while either, so finding a good job was hard for me. After about a year of doing a job I hated, I finally found something stable with benefits as a Legal Assistant, even though I have no interest in this field and the pay isn’t what I should be making at this stage in my life. I later decided to work on getting into the medical field, because it was something that always interested me, but I knew that I would be starting from scratch to make this transition. I finally had a “plan” working full-time while taking classes part-time to apply to Physician Assistant programs, and as a fall back – nursing.
Meanwhile, in my relationship, he and I had started to fight a lot around the end of year 3, and I moved back into my mom’s place (we were living together). We continued dating for a year thereafter. During this last year of our relationship, his life started to improve considerably. His career took off, and is making a lot more money, bought a brand new car, moved into a nice apartment etc. And I’m just chugging along, trying to get myself prepared to apply to PA school and working my crappy Legal Assisting job. Despite this, I thought things were going ok in our relationship until…he got drunk and cheated on me.
I immediately told him that we were done. For the initial week or two after the incident he was very apologetic and wanted to mend things, but I was so hurt and confused. When I finally came around and decided that maybe we can work on it, he changed his mind. He started giving me reasons why we weren’t good for each other and aren’t compatible, and that there are things about me that he just doesn’t like. One of those reasons? He was brutally honest - I am “complacent” in my Legal Assistant job even though I hate it, and we aren’t on “the same level” career wise. He thinks that I am too old to still be figuring things out or not having my stuff together. What?! It really hurt to hear this, because I haven’t been dealt the best hand in life and everything I try to accomplish is done completely on my own without the help of anyone. I am not complacent being a Legal Assistant but it pays my bills for now.
Anyway, sorry if this is really jumbled. I just feel like I was left in the dust since things are going great for him; he doesn’t need me anymore and I have nothing to offer him, apparently. I have no real career, I live with my mom, and now I’m single and going to be 30 soon. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I haven’t been able to focus on getting into PA school at all for the past several months because I’m so depressed. I am even having second thoughts about it all. Does anyone have any advice?? I feel like my life is being flipped upside down.
Something very similar happened to me right before I turned 30 and i completely sympathize with how overwhelming it can be to find yourself where you are right now. Wherever you are is ok. It doesn't matter that you're almost [insert arbitrary age here] and haven't [insert arbitrary thing someone else thinks you should have done by now]. That's crap. Take this time for you, focus in you, hang out with your mom, keep working towards what you want and stop seeing him,even as a friend, if what he says is hurtful. You don't need that right now. Do what's right for you, and realize just because you're almost 30 doesn't mean shit. Most people over 30 have just perfected the art or making it look like we know what we are doing, we still haven't got a clue. And that is ok.
posted by danapiper at 7:50 AM on November 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by danapiper at 7:50 AM on November 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
Well, first of all, I don't want to slag your ex and call him a dick, because you say you're still friends with him, but if the shoe fits.... Let's say at the very least that he's saying dickhead things to you, and not incidentally, untrue dickhead things. First of all, it was ok for him to take his time to get his career on track while you stood by him, but now that the shoe is on the other foot, he feels free to dump you and speak disrespectfully to you because you're getting your own footing? And all this after cheating on you? Nope. Those are dick moves. That's not how you're supposed to treat people you care about.
Second thing is, I know it doesn't feel like it to you, but you are really young, so I think it would be best to drop all the "I'm not where I should be at this stage" as though you're 20 or 25 years older than you are. If you were 50 or 55 and living at home and had a job you hated, I might think you should worry, but at age not-quite-30? No. You're making and saving money; you have a plan to become a physician assistant, which is a really good career; and you're obviously smart. You are doing fine. I know it feels all topsy-turvy because you just broke up a longterm relationship, but really, from what you post here, you're doing well. Give yourself time to heal from the breakup first and try to see a doctor about your depression, and I'll wager that things will seem a lot clearer to you after that.
posted by holborne at 7:53 AM on November 16, 2015 [12 favorites]
Second thing is, I know it doesn't feel like it to you, but you are really young, so I think it would be best to drop all the "I'm not where I should be at this stage" as though you're 20 or 25 years older than you are. If you were 50 or 55 and living at home and had a job you hated, I might think you should worry, but at age not-quite-30? No. You're making and saving money; you have a plan to become a physician assistant, which is a really good career; and you're obviously smart. You are doing fine. I know it feels all topsy-turvy because you just broke up a longterm relationship, but really, from what you post here, you're doing well. Give yourself time to heal from the breakup first and try to see a doctor about your depression, and I'll wager that things will seem a lot clearer to you after that.
posted by holborne at 7:53 AM on November 16, 2015 [12 favorites]
You're young. You have a steady job as a legal assistant, you are saving money (living at home), and you are making plans for your future (applying for PA school). Just keep chugging along.
This guy took up four fifths of your question, but he is going to be 0% of your future. Plan accordingly.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 7:55 AM on November 16, 2015 [26 favorites]
This guy took up four fifths of your question, but he is going to be 0% of your future. Plan accordingly.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 7:55 AM on November 16, 2015 [26 favorites]
1. Be kind to yourself and stop hanging out with him. You aren't going to be able to mourn the relationship and move on until you sever ties with him completely. Being alone may feel more painful in the moment, but long-term you're hurting yourself more by having him in your life. Get all your stuff out of his place and collect any of his things that are at your place and return them to him.
2. Being on the other side of thirty is actually pretty awesome. You are younger than you think you are. I'd suggest taking a year off from dating to focus on setting your future self up for more success. Address the depression and focus on your education and career.
posted by TheCavorter at 7:56 AM on November 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
2. Being on the other side of thirty is actually pretty awesome. You are younger than you think you are. I'd suggest taking a year off from dating to focus on setting your future self up for more success. Address the depression and focus on your education and career.
posted by TheCavorter at 7:56 AM on November 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
he doesn’t need me anymore and I have nothing to offer him, apparently.
Let's flip this around: you don't need him anymore, and he has nothing to offer you. What he said about your career was really mean and judgmental, and if he cared about you at all he'd be more supportive. And cheating on you? That was horrible of him to do.
I haven’t been dealt the best hand in life and everything I try to accomplish is done completely on my own without the help of anyone.
Be proud of this. You're doing things to advance yourself (taking a good job that pays the bills, so you're financially self-sufficient), and working towards something you want to do (PA). Just keep focusing on that.
Also, stop seeing him completely, ok? It's not healthy. Focus on you. It's him that needs to be left in the dust - by you.
posted by foxjacket at 7:59 AM on November 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
Let's flip this around: you don't need him anymore, and he has nothing to offer you. What he said about your career was really mean and judgmental, and if he cared about you at all he'd be more supportive. And cheating on you? That was horrible of him to do.
I haven’t been dealt the best hand in life and everything I try to accomplish is done completely on my own without the help of anyone.
Be proud of this. You're doing things to advance yourself (taking a good job that pays the bills, so you're financially self-sufficient), and working towards something you want to do (PA). Just keep focusing on that.
Also, stop seeing him completely, ok? It's not healthy. Focus on you. It's him that needs to be left in the dust - by you.
posted by foxjacket at 7:59 AM on November 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
What a total jerk your ex turned into. I could go on about fair weather friends and people showing their true colors, but unfortunately you're learning that yourself now. If you need a friends with benefits situation, find a nice guy and DTMFA. You deserve way better than someone who insults you.
My suggestion is-look to the future. Whether you become a nurse or a PA, your life in a few years is going to be awesome. You'll be respected and compensated for your work, and the legal job right now is just a path to the future, as you noted, a way to pay the bills.
As for where his crappy behavior stemmed from, he's shallow and probably more than a little jealous of your capabilities. That's where this crap about not being on equal levels etc comes from. In reality, he doesn't want to be reminded that he sat around morosely drinking and wasting his life for several years while you continued with a productive life.
When it gets hard and you're feeling blue just imagine how terrific it will be as a medical professional. Becoming a PA or nurse will be hard work but so worth it!
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 8:02 AM on November 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
My suggestion is-look to the future. Whether you become a nurse or a PA, your life in a few years is going to be awesome. You'll be respected and compensated for your work, and the legal job right now is just a path to the future, as you noted, a way to pay the bills.
As for where his crappy behavior stemmed from, he's shallow and probably more than a little jealous of your capabilities. That's where this crap about not being on equal levels etc comes from. In reality, he doesn't want to be reminded that he sat around morosely drinking and wasting his life for several years while you continued with a productive life.
When it gets hard and you're feeling blue just imagine how terrific it will be as a medical professional. Becoming a PA or nurse will be hard work but so worth it!
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 8:02 AM on November 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
Oh man. I feel you; so many times in my life I have supported a dude through unemployment, mental health issues, debt...and then had him --seemingly magically-- become wealthy and stable once we broke up. While I was left poorer than I should be thanks to the time and money and energy I spent helping him out. Vampires are real, y'all: they come dressed as mopey dudes who don't know what to do with their lives.
You've learned a valuable lesson. And being single right now? Is going to be the best thing ever for you. Because if you decide to consciously stay single and work on yourself, you're going to build yourself a life that you would never DREAM of letting some dude bleed away.
But the first thing you have to do is to stop hanging out with this asshat. He's saying this hurtful bullshit because he realizes you did all the heavy lifting and he isn't enough of a human to take his turn with it and help you out, and he feels rightfully like a shitheel for it, so he lashes out at you. But he can't say this hurtful lying bullshit to you if you aren't there: so stop being there.
I get that hanging with him on the weekend sort of lets you keep some kind of higher ground or strength points, like, "oh you think you can hurt me? I'm not hurt, look at me, just bein' your pal" but that's some toxic Cool Girl nonsense and it doesn't actually work that way. You're not cutting him out because you're hurt and weak; you're cutting him out because he's being a shiteater to you, and you don't tolerate shiteaters. Tell him, too. Feel free to be like, "I don't want to hang with you. It's not because of the breakup, it's because you're a lousy excuse for a human being, and I don't have time for this shit."
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:12 AM on November 16, 2015 [33 favorites]
You've learned a valuable lesson. And being single right now? Is going to be the best thing ever for you. Because if you decide to consciously stay single and work on yourself, you're going to build yourself a life that you would never DREAM of letting some dude bleed away.
But the first thing you have to do is to stop hanging out with this asshat. He's saying this hurtful bullshit because he realizes you did all the heavy lifting and he isn't enough of a human to take his turn with it and help you out, and he feels rightfully like a shitheel for it, so he lashes out at you. But he can't say this hurtful lying bullshit to you if you aren't there: so stop being there.
I get that hanging with him on the weekend sort of lets you keep some kind of higher ground or strength points, like, "oh you think you can hurt me? I'm not hurt, look at me, just bein' your pal" but that's some toxic Cool Girl nonsense and it doesn't actually work that way. You're not cutting him out because you're hurt and weak; you're cutting him out because he's being a shiteater to you, and you don't tolerate shiteaters. Tell him, too. Feel free to be like, "I don't want to hang with you. It's not because of the breakup, it's because you're a lousy excuse for a human being, and I don't have time for this shit."
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:12 AM on November 16, 2015 [33 favorites]
You totally have a career - a decent job for the moment, and an achievable plan to get where you want to be.
And you have this idiot out of your life, which is a GOOD THING. He cheats on you, and just when he's been forgiven finds a way to make it All Your Fault that the relationship has to end. This is not the behaviour of an adult you want to spend any time with.
Better single than with him. Truly. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but if he continues to behave to others in the way he has behaved to you (here's hoping for everyone's sake he doesn't), he will be far less happy than you in the long term.
posted by altolinguistic at 8:16 AM on November 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
And you have this idiot out of your life, which is a GOOD THING. He cheats on you, and just when he's been forgiven finds a way to make it All Your Fault that the relationship has to end. This is not the behaviour of an adult you want to spend any time with.
Better single than with him. Truly. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but if he continues to behave to others in the way he has behaved to you (here's hoping for everyone's sake he doesn't), he will be far less happy than you in the long term.
posted by altolinguistic at 8:16 AM on November 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
Your ex is a dick. If I ever meet him [1] I will knee him in the groin and I will film it and send the clip to you so you can watch me kneeing him in the groin.
Congrats on finishing college! It feels really unfun when you finish college and then it's hard to get a job, because you're under such pressure at the exact moment when you most deserve to celebrate. But your time will come, I promise you. I've been there too!
Also, and I know this is cold comfort by now, you are probably learning a lot of skills as a legal assistant that will be far more transferable in the future than you think. I have a long history of seemingly crap jobs to look back on, but because I did them I'm way ahead of a lot of my coworkers in the skills I need now.
It's great that you and your mom have each other. That is what families do, look out for each other as they work towards success.
Congrats on getting a steady job, sticking it out even though you hate it, and working towards your PA school application. Keep on putting this effort in and I'm certain you will succeed.
He's certain you'll succeed too. That's why he cheated on you and dumped you. All he's got is some crappy corporate/IT sales job? You're working for something better than that. You'll be doing something useful.
Silly boy. Your initial instinct to get rid of him when he cheated was spot on.
[1] This will not happen. This is a joke ONLY and not an actual statement of intent to do violence to another person. Is that clear.
posted by tel3path at 8:25 AM on November 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
Congrats on finishing college! It feels really unfun when you finish college and then it's hard to get a job, because you're under such pressure at the exact moment when you most deserve to celebrate. But your time will come, I promise you. I've been there too!
Also, and I know this is cold comfort by now, you are probably learning a lot of skills as a legal assistant that will be far more transferable in the future than you think. I have a long history of seemingly crap jobs to look back on, but because I did them I'm way ahead of a lot of my coworkers in the skills I need now.
It's great that you and your mom have each other. That is what families do, look out for each other as they work towards success.
Congrats on getting a steady job, sticking it out even though you hate it, and working towards your PA school application. Keep on putting this effort in and I'm certain you will succeed.
He's certain you'll succeed too. That's why he cheated on you and dumped you. All he's got is some crappy corporate/IT sales job? You're working for something better than that. You'll be doing something useful.
Silly boy. Your initial instinct to get rid of him when he cheated was spot on.
[1] This will not happen. This is a joke ONLY and not an actual statement of intent to do violence to another person. Is that clear.
posted by tel3path at 8:25 AM on November 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
29 is still quite young. You have a lot of time to build a better life for yourself.
(A data point: I met my life partner when I was 52.)
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 8:31 AM on November 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
(A data point: I met my life partner when I was 52.)
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 8:31 AM on November 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
He thinks that I am too old to still be figuring things out or not having my stuff together. What?!
This is typical smug shit-birdery of a sad sack who's been fortunate and is puffing himself up by believing it means he's a superior human. It's bullshit thinking. (It's the same pathetic bullshit that someone like Donald Trump runs on.) Be forewarned that someone like this will very likely also bitterly blame the world (and you if you're at hand) should their luck take a bad turn (as everyone's does now and then).
It seems to me if he sincerely cared about you he would mainly be sympathetic and try to offer constructive and supportive advice about how you can achieve the goals you're interested in -- or simply happy for you and supportive if you're content for now with what you are doing, or still pondering your long term goals. (In either case, the caring and supportive parts are the key ingredients.) Second-guessing you and judging you are no good to you.
You are still young and have lots of time to make what you want with your life. (Count me among those who didn't find a career direction and fulfilling long-term relationship until after 30.)
Stop seeing him on weekends and let yourself move on. Good luck.
posted by aught at 8:52 AM on November 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
This is typical smug shit-birdery of a sad sack who's been fortunate and is puffing himself up by believing it means he's a superior human. It's bullshit thinking. (It's the same pathetic bullshit that someone like Donald Trump runs on.) Be forewarned that someone like this will very likely also bitterly blame the world (and you if you're at hand) should their luck take a bad turn (as everyone's does now and then).
It seems to me if he sincerely cared about you he would mainly be sympathetic and try to offer constructive and supportive advice about how you can achieve the goals you're interested in -- or simply happy for you and supportive if you're content for now with what you are doing, or still pondering your long term goals. (In either case, the caring and supportive parts are the key ingredients.) Second-guessing you and judging you are no good to you.
You are still young and have lots of time to make what you want with your life. (Count me among those who didn't find a career direction and fulfilling long-term relationship until after 30.)
Stop seeing him on weekends and let yourself move on. Good luck.
posted by aught at 8:52 AM on November 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
I am going to make an educated guess that things won't continue to go too swimmingly for your ex. He may be on an upswing now but I'm thinking it's temporary.
That's not your problem, though, now or ever again. Be glad that you've been given a golden opportunity to get out of the relationship, free of any misplaced guilt. If he were still on the skids, he'd be playing that card.
Sometimes I can have a hard time feeling good about any steps that I take to improve the quality of my life. Example: musical instrument practice when I'm not a genius player and probably won't be. I try to remind myself that taking the steps in and of itself is a big deal. The same is true of you. Good luck.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 9:17 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
That's not your problem, though, now or ever again. Be glad that you've been given a golden opportunity to get out of the relationship, free of any misplaced guilt. If he were still on the skids, he'd be playing that card.
Sometimes I can have a hard time feeling good about any steps that I take to improve the quality of my life. Example: musical instrument practice when I'm not a genius player and probably won't be. I try to remind myself that taking the steps in and of itself is a big deal. The same is true of you. Good luck.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 9:17 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone, for being so kind in your responses. I so needed to hear good things. I have been making life a living hell by continuing to hang out with him and I need to stop torturing myself. But as far as our relationship goes, I have no intentions of repairing it, I know all the damage has been done and I need to just give myself space from the whole situation and gain better perspective. Especially when it comes to myself and my self confidence.
As for PA school, I am hoping that I am just feeling overwhelmed right now and not really having second thoughts about it completely. I would feel terrible to look back on my life someday and regret not going for it because of some asshat. I guess that's just something I'll need to work on and figure out in due time.
posted by seeyouinberlin at 9:40 AM on November 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
As for PA school, I am hoping that I am just feeling overwhelmed right now and not really having second thoughts about it completely. I would feel terrible to look back on my life someday and regret not going for it because of some asshat. I guess that's just something I'll need to work on and figure out in due time.
posted by seeyouinberlin at 9:40 AM on November 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
Bring the H8; but a limited stint in the military can help oneself realize a potential, and the subsequent independence from following the ?normal? beliefs of others can be rather liberating.
If anything; leaving the "crappy legal assistant' job to qualify for ACA for the rest of your life would be a huge step forward into the future. YMMV; but ACA dues covered for the rest of your life is quite a new change cookie indeed.
posted by buzzman at 11:55 AM on November 16, 2015
If anything; leaving the "crappy legal assistant' job to qualify for ACA for the rest of your life would be a huge step forward into the future. YMMV; but ACA dues covered for the rest of your life is quite a new change cookie indeed.
posted by buzzman at 11:55 AM on November 16, 2015
The is already so much good advice in here. I just wanted to say that I'm a PA (been one for almost six years). I graduated just shy of my 30th birthday. In terms of age I was middle of the road. There were some 22-24 year olds in my class but there were also quite a number who were close to or above age 30. Often physician assistance is a second career for people. Don't sweat the age thing. You will be just fine. Good luck.
posted by teamnap at 1:54 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by teamnap at 1:54 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Even though it looks like you got your answer(s), I want to add:
1) A big capital FUCK HIM. You have nothing to offer him any more? The reality is he has nothing to offer you, and probably never did other than companionship (which should be free and you can get from most anyone). He sounds like a shitty excuse for a person. Not only do you need to stop thinking that you have nothing to offer or that he thinks you have nothing to offer, but you need to cut him out of your life completely. He is not worth.. anything, really. Not your time, not your thoughts, not your friendship on the weekends, anything. He is a detriment to your well-being.
2) You seem too worried about not being where you need to be, not making as much money as you think you should be, being single at an age where you think you shouldn'e be, etc. Remember: life is a journey, not a race. I tell myself this all the time. It is not just a platitude to tell people who feel bad. Please think about this and take it to heart.
There is more to life than your definition of success, and even if you still want that success, not being there yet doesn't mean you're behind in any way or you suck or you'll never get there. It just means you aren't there yet. That's it. Take that worry and put that mental energy into something else (like school! or finding something to enjoy besides being in a relationship at this point in your life).
3) Even if you don't make a lot of $, you can probably afford to move out of your mom's house into your own apt or even with a roomate. If you feel like living there is a big part of why you feel like a loser (and I'm NOT calling you a loser, it just sounds like that's how you feel right now), then move out. It's easier said than done but not impossible, and even if your job is not real well-paying, it sound decent.
Life is a series of peaks and valleys. You're in a valley right now. You've lost someone/something you cared about but this is not the end for you.
posted by atinna at 3:29 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
1) A big capital FUCK HIM. You have nothing to offer him any more? The reality is he has nothing to offer you, and probably never did other than companionship (which should be free and you can get from most anyone). He sounds like a shitty excuse for a person. Not only do you need to stop thinking that you have nothing to offer or that he thinks you have nothing to offer, but you need to cut him out of your life completely. He is not worth.. anything, really. Not your time, not your thoughts, not your friendship on the weekends, anything. He is a detriment to your well-being.
2) You seem too worried about not being where you need to be, not making as much money as you think you should be, being single at an age where you think you shouldn'e be, etc. Remember: life is a journey, not a race. I tell myself this all the time. It is not just a platitude to tell people who feel bad. Please think about this and take it to heart.
There is more to life than your definition of success, and even if you still want that success, not being there yet doesn't mean you're behind in any way or you suck or you'll never get there. It just means you aren't there yet. That's it. Take that worry and put that mental energy into something else (like school! or finding something to enjoy besides being in a relationship at this point in your life).
3) Even if you don't make a lot of $, you can probably afford to move out of your mom's house into your own apt or even with a roomate. If you feel like living there is a big part of why you feel like a loser (and I'm NOT calling you a loser, it just sounds like that's how you feel right now), then move out. It's easier said than done but not impossible, and even if your job is not real well-paying, it sound decent.
Life is a series of peaks and valleys. You're in a valley right now. You've lost someone/something you cared about but this is not the end for you.
posted by atinna at 3:29 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think this ex-boyfriend of yours is colouring your perception of yourself and continuing to damage your self-esteem, by you spending time with him, and being reminded when you do of what he's said and how he's acted in the last 4 years. Is he really a superior example of a life well lived? I hate to say it, but I could predict his unfaithfulness before I reached that part of your post. I say this not to hurt you, but the guy had 'loser' written all over him from your first description of him and his behaviour.
It's your opinion only that counts in regards to the quality of your life. It doesn't make you a bad person or a loser if you're unsatisfied in your job, especially as you're the antithesis of complacent - you have goals that you are working toward, this job is a means to an end. The fact that you are unsure that this job you are working toward will be satisfying, again, makes you only human. Nobody knows that they will be a good fit in a job until they are in it. Your choices are half chance, like everyone else's, but the important thing here, I think, is that you have a goal.
I think it's normal to think that once you end a relationship, the other party will prosper and become better than you, but please know, this guy is not better than you. He may outwardly appear, for now, to have a few feathers in his cap, but he lacks integrity, and he hasn't demonstrated that he knows how to treat people kindly. These count for a lot, and these qualities make a truly good and successful person, in my opinion.
You say you feel you have nothing to offer him now - he has nothing to offer you. Take some time for yourself, don't beat yourself up, and know you can do so much better. This is one small period in your life, cherish the time you get to spend with your mother now as this won't be forever, things will get better.
posted by NatalieWood at 3:46 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's your opinion only that counts in regards to the quality of your life. It doesn't make you a bad person or a loser if you're unsatisfied in your job, especially as you're the antithesis of complacent - you have goals that you are working toward, this job is a means to an end. The fact that you are unsure that this job you are working toward will be satisfying, again, makes you only human. Nobody knows that they will be a good fit in a job until they are in it. Your choices are half chance, like everyone else's, but the important thing here, I think, is that you have a goal.
I think it's normal to think that once you end a relationship, the other party will prosper and become better than you, but please know, this guy is not better than you. He may outwardly appear, for now, to have a few feathers in his cap, but he lacks integrity, and he hasn't demonstrated that he knows how to treat people kindly. These count for a lot, and these qualities make a truly good and successful person, in my opinion.
You say you feel you have nothing to offer him now - he has nothing to offer you. Take some time for yourself, don't beat yourself up, and know you can do so much better. This is one small period in your life, cherish the time you get to spend with your mother now as this won't be forever, things will get better.
posted by NatalieWood at 3:46 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Good thing he's out of the way now, so you can do your thing.
I can relate to this a lot, though, went through something very similar. Guessing: maybe you feel like you lost out. Like you feel you contributed to his development, and he's reaping the benefits (in cash even) now, and insulting you to boot. (Well, he's trying to, but don't give it too much weight, considering it's coming from a myopic, self-aggrandizing twit with the self-awareness of a bowling ball.)
There's nothing wrong, in principle, with prioritizing love. It turns out that was important to you at the time, you needed to do that, for your own reasons. Unfortunately, you were young and didn't have the experience to choose someone worthwhile. The upside is, that experience will help you make better choices, if you let it (sounds like you are).
You did lose a bit of time in terms of career, but you're making up for it.
I'm not going to lie, it's going to be a grind for a little while. Being a student at a nonstandard age is hard (though it's more common all the time, and no you're not too old, jeez!). But it won't be forever. Eyes on the prize!
But also, do what you can to have some fun where you can.
Don't compare yourself to him at all. He's feeling good about his salary now, but like most people with most jobs like that, I bet he'll be sick to the teeth of it in five or ten years. You're going to learn new things every day, and help a bunch of people.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:58 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can relate to this a lot, though, went through something very similar. Guessing: maybe you feel like you lost out. Like you feel you contributed to his development, and he's reaping the benefits (in cash even) now, and insulting you to boot. (Well, he's trying to, but don't give it too much weight, considering it's coming from a myopic, self-aggrandizing twit with the self-awareness of a bowling ball.)
There's nothing wrong, in principle, with prioritizing love. It turns out that was important to you at the time, you needed to do that, for your own reasons. Unfortunately, you were young and didn't have the experience to choose someone worthwhile. The upside is, that experience will help you make better choices, if you let it (sounds like you are).
You did lose a bit of time in terms of career, but you're making up for it.
I'm not going to lie, it's going to be a grind for a little while. Being a student at a nonstandard age is hard (though it's more common all the time, and no you're not too old, jeez!). But it won't be forever. Eyes on the prize!
But also, do what you can to have some fun where you can.
Don't compare yourself to him at all. He's feeling good about his salary now, but like most people with most jobs like that, I bet he'll be sick to the teeth of it in five or ten years. You're going to learn new things every day, and help a bunch of people.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:58 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
10 years from now, he'll probably still be an asshat. Whereas you'll have a good career, saved money, your still good personality, and the opportunity (and most likely reality) of being with someone so much more awesome. Don't envy him. His personality is shining through and it's awful. Game plan: I would let him know that you're not going to see or know him anymore, no questions asked, no further discussion. Block his number and his emails from there. He's part of your past, but not your future.
posted by omg_parrots at 7:26 PM on November 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by omg_parrots at 7:26 PM on November 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
there are things about me that he just doesn’t like. One of those reasons? He was brutally honest - I am “complacent” in my Legal Assistant job
This sounds so, so much like the kind of random crap some people throw out there when they are breaking up.
And he's not your friend. Do you have any friends who base whether or not they like you on if they feel you are "complacent" in your job? Oh wait, this guy that you are hanging out with on weekends.
No wonder you are feeling bad about things with friends like this around!
There's no special medal for staying friends with people who clearly don't like you.
posted by yohko at 11:32 AM on November 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
This sounds so, so much like the kind of random crap some people throw out there when they are breaking up.
And he's not your friend. Do you have any friends who base whether or not they like you on if they feel you are "complacent" in your job? Oh wait, this guy that you are hanging out with on weekends.
No wonder you are feeling bad about things with friends like this around!
There's no special medal for staying friends with people who clearly don't like you.
posted by yohko at 11:32 AM on November 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow! I am printing out this whole page and reading these responses over again whenever I feel sad about this situation! :) Thank you guys
posted by seeyouinberlin at 12:31 PM on November 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by seeyouinberlin at 12:31 PM on November 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Secondly, 30 is absolutely not "too old" to be figuring things out. Hell, it's never too old to be figuring things out, but 30 isn't when most people have it all together, career-wise. Being a legal assistant is a great way to show that you have skills that can transfer to what you want to do, when you figure out what you want to do.
I would find a professional to talk to about the depression; maybe one who also focuses on career counseling (or someone who can recommend a career counselor). And don't feel bad about feeling bad about the breakup. You can feel bad about that for as long as it takes.
posted by xingcat at 7:49 AM on November 16, 2015 [15 favorites]