How can I prepare (with dignity) for being dumped?
November 13, 2015 5:51 PM Subscribe
There is a very high chance that a woman I have been seeing on a sort of friends-with-benefits relationship is terminating with me in a few weeks. I have unfortunately and against my best interest become emotionally invested in the relationship (despite signs that she was only looking for casual hook-ups). Now that the end seems to be fast approaching, is there anything I can do to reduce anxiety and make the process less painful?
She is graduating from college soon, and plans to leave town. On our last meetings and conversations she has hinted at the fact that she is planning to start a new life after leaving town. A life which clearly does not include me. She has half-jokingly said a couple of times that I should be looking for a new hook-up partner in college now that she's leaving. She has even told me about a couple of her classmates who, according to her, might be interested in me.
This has been my first romantic (and sexual) relationship, and that may be one of the reasons why I became too invested in it, despite the apparent lack of reciprocity in the few months we've been irregularly meeting. Another element which added to my confusion was that it was her who first approached me regarding shared academic interests. In our first few dates we seemed to have a lot in common and enjoyed good conversation. But after sex became part (and later, the central part) of our relationship, she seemed to have erected an emotional barrier and limited conversation to aggressive teasing and flirting, avoiding any discussion of topics we used to talk about (projects, interests, family, friends,etc.)
I have been very anxious in the last few weeks when the end of our encounters has become imminent. Is there anything one can do to reduce anxiety and cope healthily with the inevitable? Any hints to maintain self-respect and dignity in a situation which sometimes feels nerve-racking?
Thanks in advance for the assistance.
She is graduating from college soon, and plans to leave town. On our last meetings and conversations she has hinted at the fact that she is planning to start a new life after leaving town. A life which clearly does not include me. She has half-jokingly said a couple of times that I should be looking for a new hook-up partner in college now that she's leaving. She has even told me about a couple of her classmates who, according to her, might be interested in me.
This has been my first romantic (and sexual) relationship, and that may be one of the reasons why I became too invested in it, despite the apparent lack of reciprocity in the few months we've been irregularly meeting. Another element which added to my confusion was that it was her who first approached me regarding shared academic interests. In our first few dates we seemed to have a lot in common and enjoyed good conversation. But after sex became part (and later, the central part) of our relationship, she seemed to have erected an emotional barrier and limited conversation to aggressive teasing and flirting, avoiding any discussion of topics we used to talk about (projects, interests, family, friends,etc.)
I have been very anxious in the last few weeks when the end of our encounters has become imminent. Is there anything one can do to reduce anxiety and cope healthily with the inevitable? Any hints to maintain self-respect and dignity in a situation which sometimes feels nerve-racking?
Thanks in advance for the assistance.
On our last meetings and conversations she has hinted at the fact that she is planning to start a new life after leaving town. A life which clearly does not include me.
It sounds like you were aware of her academic interests, surely the graduation does not come as a surprise? It's unclear if you had previously had plans to move with her after graduation.
Someone leaving town to pursue their career, and life simply taking you different ways, is certainly something you don't need to feel undignified about. But it's different if you were planning to move together and found that your own life plans had changed. I'm not sure which situation you are in.
posted by yohko at 5:58 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you were aware of her academic interests, surely the graduation does not come as a surprise? It's unclear if you had previously had plans to move with her after graduation.
Someone leaving town to pursue their career, and life simply taking you different ways, is certainly something you don't need to feel undignified about. But it's different if you were planning to move together and found that your own life plans had changed. I'm not sure which situation you are in.
posted by yohko at 5:58 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Break up with her first. Rip off the bandaid and get it over with. You sound miserable.
You know the relationship has run its course. That happens, there's no shame in it. The best thing to do when you realize that, though, is to just buckle down and end the thing. Dragging things out when one (or both) people want to be there, trying to delay the inevitable--that's how people get hurt. Be the bigger person here, look out for your own well being, and end things on your own terms.
You can tell her that you've really enjoyed the relationship for what it's been but that you're moving in two different directions, or whatever feels right to you.
You're gonna be ok. Breakups always suck, whether it's hour first or your tenth, whether you know it's coming or not. It's ok to let yourself grieve for a bit.
posted by phunniemee at 6:00 PM on November 13, 2015 [22 favorites]
You know the relationship has run its course. That happens, there's no shame in it. The best thing to do when you realize that, though, is to just buckle down and end the thing. Dragging things out when one (or both) people want to be there, trying to delay the inevitable--that's how people get hurt. Be the bigger person here, look out for your own well being, and end things on your own terms.
You can tell her that you've really enjoyed the relationship for what it's been but that you're moving in two different directions, or whatever feels right to you.
You're gonna be ok. Breakups always suck, whether it's hour first or your tenth, whether you know it's coming or not. It's ok to let yourself grieve for a bit.
posted by phunniemee at 6:00 PM on November 13, 2015 [22 favorites]
Breaking off now or in two weeks wont make a difference. If the sex is good, keep it up for one last hurrah.
posted by AugustWest at 6:08 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 6:08 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
After the breakup there will be pain that will last some time. It will be better for you if you let that pain hit you full force right away. If you try to prevent it by staying in touch with her, the pain will take longer to pass.
There's another aspect besides the loss/rejection: you'll need other things to think about and make plans about. Your thoughts will, by habit, go towards your ex. Nobody can just will the unwanted thoughts away; the best way to get rid of them is to replace them with thoughts and actions that matter to you. They don't have to be big things or time-consuming like a full-fledged hobby... just any things that involve you and/or give you pleasure.
posted by wryly at 6:20 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's another aspect besides the loss/rejection: you'll need other things to think about and make plans about. Your thoughts will, by habit, go towards your ex. Nobody can just will the unwanted thoughts away; the best way to get rid of them is to replace them with thoughts and actions that matter to you. They don't have to be big things or time-consuming like a full-fledged hobby... just any things that involve you and/or give you pleasure.
posted by wryly at 6:20 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
You have a casual relationship. The fact that it is absorbing all of your focus doesn't change that it is no-strings and not serious. Go date some other people. Now.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:24 PM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 6:24 PM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: It doesn't seem to me that there is any necessary loss of dignity involved here, but it's absolutely understandable that it's painful. From everything you're saying, she's not planning to "dump" you, but it's not the sort of relationship that will outlast the change in situation. You are not being rejected, and you don't need to feel any sense of failure or inadequacy.
There's no shame in caring about someone, even if your feelings are much stronger than theirs. As long as you respect her feelings too (which it appears you do) there is no need to feel any loss of dignity or self-respect.
Ending it first to spare yourself ongoing pain seems reasonable. Of course you might also find it worthwhile carrying on. Just make sure not to allow your emotions to feed you false hope. This is not something that "might" end, it will end. If you're hanging on because you want her change her mind about the future, then it's best to walk away. If you carry on because you're both enjoying the sex and other things you share, awesome.
Also, once it's done, you need to consider whether you want to stay in contact. I'd personally suggest avoiding communication until you've actually moved on, and definitely recommend no casual hookups for old time's sake. You're emotionally invested in a way she isn't, and contact is likely to hurt and hold you back. The closer the contact, the harder it will be. If you're friends on Facebook, I strongly suggest you unfollow her.
The end of any relationship sucks. But at least this ending sucks because something good has to stop while it's good, rather than because it had turned into something bad. This is one situation where you can walk away with your head held high, even if you hurt like hell. Good luck. I promise it'll be OK in the end.
posted by howfar at 6:32 PM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
There's no shame in caring about someone, even if your feelings are much stronger than theirs. As long as you respect her feelings too (which it appears you do) there is no need to feel any loss of dignity or self-respect.
Ending it first to spare yourself ongoing pain seems reasonable. Of course you might also find it worthwhile carrying on. Just make sure not to allow your emotions to feed you false hope. This is not something that "might" end, it will end. If you're hanging on because you want her change her mind about the future, then it's best to walk away. If you carry on because you're both enjoying the sex and other things you share, awesome.
Also, once it's done, you need to consider whether you want to stay in contact. I'd personally suggest avoiding communication until you've actually moved on, and definitely recommend no casual hookups for old time's sake. You're emotionally invested in a way she isn't, and contact is likely to hurt and hold you back. The closer the contact, the harder it will be. If you're friends on Facebook, I strongly suggest you unfollow her.
The end of any relationship sucks. But at least this ending sucks because something good has to stop while it's good, rather than because it had turned into something bad. This is one situation where you can walk away with your head held high, even if you hurt like hell. Good luck. I promise it'll be OK in the end.
posted by howfar at 6:32 PM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: You have to fall hard for your first, if it's any good at all. Almost nobody can be casual about it. So you can't feel like you've done it wrong or something, just because it was supposedly going to be casual and it ended up not so casual on your end. You've handled it exactly right. It's still probably going to hurt like mad--but that's how it is with the first ones. (Actually, it's how it is with most of them, unless they're terrible or boring. Pain at the end is proof the thing was worth doing.) Just plow through it and keep trudging along. Stay involved in your normal life. Fling yourself into work and school and exercise and friends. Think of her fondly always. Soon enough she'll be a happy memory.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:36 PM on November 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 7:36 PM on November 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Here's another perspective, you got to have a relationship that most people don't - one with no harsh words, no bad endings or hurt feelings from people acting badly. Both of you can walk away and remember each other with a smile. What a rare gift, especially for the first relationship, which so often colours our future view of romantic interactions. I know it will sting initially, because you care for her but if you think taking control of the situation will help you, then yes, be the one to end it in a kind way that gives respect to the time you spent together.
posted by Jubey at 7:55 PM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 7:55 PM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
Super hard, I'm sorry. Maybe try finding new hook up partners now?
posted by easter queen at 8:13 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by easter queen at 8:13 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry this sucks, but you should try to remember you are not losing face here.
To feel better about this, start with acknowledging that it's ok to be sad and that it being over doesn't make you weak, or in a lesser position, or somehow pittyable. You had a good experience that you wish could grow and continue and it isn't going to happen. You don't get points knocked off because it's not going to work out. It's ok to be (seriously) bummed out by that.
Gracefully ending relationships is a skill. You get better at it the more that it happens. Feel your feelings, bud. No shame. If it ends and you haven't been really terrible to each other- that is when you really win at relationships.
posted by Blisterlips at 8:15 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
To feel better about this, start with acknowledging that it's ok to be sad and that it being over doesn't make you weak, or in a lesser position, or somehow pittyable. You had a good experience that you wish could grow and continue and it isn't going to happen. You don't get points knocked off because it's not going to work out. It's ok to be (seriously) bummed out by that.
Gracefully ending relationships is a skill. You get better at it the more that it happens. Feel your feelings, bud. No shame. If it ends and you haven't been really terrible to each other- that is when you really win at relationships.
posted by Blisterlips at 8:15 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
In love, when you try to save face, you generally lose out on happiness. Try to be okay with the bad parts (and there will be loss, no matter your inherent worth) or learn to love a flatlined existence.
NOT ANYONE WHO SAYS
Not anyone who says, “I’m going to be
careful and smart in matters of love,”
who says, “I’m going to choose slowly,”
but only those lovers who didn’t choose at all
but were, as it were, chosen
by something invisible and powerful and uncontrollable
and beautiful and possibly even
unsuitable —
only those know what I’m talking about
in this talking about love.
Mary Oliver
posted by kinoeye at 8:26 PM on November 13, 2015 [18 favorites]
NOT ANYONE WHO SAYS
Not anyone who says, “I’m going to be
careful and smart in matters of love,”
who says, “I’m going to choose slowly,”
but only those lovers who didn’t choose at all
but were, as it were, chosen
by something invisible and powerful and uncontrollable
and beautiful and possibly even
unsuitable —
only those know what I’m talking about
in this talking about love.
Mary Oliver
posted by kinoeye at 8:26 PM on November 13, 2015 [18 favorites]
Best answer: She could have been dropping those hints to test the waters, to try and figure out how you really feel, since it doesn't seem like you have been honest with her. If it is going to end, let it end with honesty. Tell her how you feel. Either she will feel the same way or she won't. One thing is for sure, by the way things sound, even if she does care for you, she won't be the first one to say it.
posted by myselfasme at 9:33 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 9:33 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
The uncertainty is really crazy-making, I know. Next time you see her, have a serious "this is how I feel, where do you see things going" conversation and get some closure. It takes some bravery to put yourself out there but it's better than being on pins and needles for the next few weeks.
posted by Standard Orange at 11:04 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Standard Orange at 11:04 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can be in charge. "Sally, I have the feeling that you're going to leave me soon. This makes me sad. Is there some truth to this?"
'Yes, Samufur, I'm afraid you're correct. I'm going to go to school across the country and I'm just not that into you. I'm sorry."
"I am too. Take care and good luck."
AND THEN EXIT STAGE LEFT WITH DIGNITY INTACT. Do not contact her for coffee. She doesn't want it. She might meet you out of pity but you don't want that.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:50 AM on November 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
'Yes, Samufur, I'm afraid you're correct. I'm going to go to school across the country and I'm just not that into you. I'm sorry."
"I am too. Take care and good luck."
AND THEN EXIT STAGE LEFT WITH DIGNITY INTACT. Do not contact her for coffee. She doesn't want it. She might meet you out of pity but you don't want that.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:50 AM on November 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
Reading back over your previous asks, I would say that she seems kind of like she enjoys the power difference in this relationship, which is perfectly understandable except that it's been making you feel bad. I think you should take this as an opportunity to be proactive about your needs. It's fine that the arrangement has an expiration date, but it's hurting you for her to keep bringing it up.
She's going to break up with you anyway; use this as a chance to gracefully assert yourself. "I've really enjoyed what we've shared, but I find myself really dreading your moving away. I know this was meant to be casual and temporary, and for my sake I need to go ahead and end it before I get too badly hurt. Best of luck!" or whatever. Just because you're more into her doesn't mean you have to wait for every last scrap of her affection. You both had a good time, but it's ending. I vote for ripping the band-aid off yourself.
posted by hollyholly at 5:48 AM on November 14, 2015 [12 favorites]
She's going to break up with you anyway; use this as a chance to gracefully assert yourself. "I've really enjoyed what we've shared, but I find myself really dreading your moving away. I know this was meant to be casual and temporary, and for my sake I need to go ahead and end it before I get too badly hurt. Best of luck!" or whatever. Just because you're more into her doesn't mean you have to wait for every last scrap of her affection. You both had a good time, but it's ending. I vote for ripping the band-aid off yourself.
posted by hollyholly at 5:48 AM on November 14, 2015 [12 favorites]
Best to learn now that your "overinvestment" is not that at all. Instead, it is part of being human and nothing to be ashamed of.
I agree with the commenters who are advising you to break it off kindly but firmly. No contact after that, including social media.
I'm sorry you are hurting. You are not alone.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 6:48 AM on November 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
I agree with the commenters who are advising you to break it off kindly but firmly. No contact after that, including social media.
I'm sorry you are hurting. You are not alone.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 6:48 AM on November 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
she has been upfront about the nature of this relationship. that you developed more intense feeling is not something you should blame yourself for. i think you should go ahead and break it off, with kindness and respect. it is going to hurt, but there is no getting around that. down the road it will be a great gift (which was the word mentioned above that i completely agree with) if you can look back on this fondly and without rancor.
it is a gift for her too, you know.
posted by lescour at 11:07 AM on November 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
it is a gift for her too, you know.
posted by lescour at 11:07 AM on November 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Dump her. The feeling of agency will make recovery a little easier. Read a book called Intimate Comnections by Dr. David Burns and do the exercises for a month or more.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:53 PM on November 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 8:53 PM on November 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wish you weren't thinking in terms of being dumped, when the relationship has always been temporary by design. That you developed more feelings than you planned is not necessarily a bad thing; it's something you now know about yourself and can factor into further decisions. It sounds like it actually went pretty well overall, and you can hopefully look back on it with pleasure in time.
It's unfortunate, in my opinion, that we so often frame relationships in terms of winners and losers. Some of us are probably conditioned to think this way by our family background. But if you must think that way, for a lot of people the very fact that you had a relationship and felt that strong connection and still feel positively about the person would be a huge win.
posted by BibiRose at 9:46 AM on November 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's unfortunate, in my opinion, that we so often frame relationships in terms of winners and losers. Some of us are probably conditioned to think this way by our family background. But if you must think that way, for a lot of people the very fact that you had a relationship and felt that strong connection and still feel positively about the person would be a huge win.
posted by BibiRose at 9:46 AM on November 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have been very anxious in the last few weeks when the end of our encounters has become imminent. Is there anything one can do to reduce anxiety and cope healthily with the inevitable? Any hints to maintain self-respect and dignity in a situation which sometimes feels nerve-racking?
I have been in this situation. You know what's gonna be great? You're not going to feel any of that anxious, nerve-racking CRAP anymore. Having the breakup actually happen, even though you'll feel sad about it, is way way WAY better that that awful tortured feeling.
posted by JanetLand at 7:48 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have been in this situation. You know what's gonna be great? You're not going to feel any of that anxious, nerve-racking CRAP anymore. Having the breakup actually happen, even though you'll feel sad about it, is way way WAY better that that awful tortured feeling.
posted by JanetLand at 7:48 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You know you're looking for different things, and you know it'll take some time to heal because of your emotional investment, so it's not an unreasonable thing to do even if you would enjoy spending more time with her.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:55 PM on November 13, 2015 [21 favorites]