How to overcome jealousy/insecurity?

November 13, 2015 6:56 AM

I am 30 years old, just had my first baby 3 months ago and have constantly struggled with jealousy/insecurity... I need to learn how to overcome these things because it is causing severe anxiety and ruining friendships/relationships all round me. What I am asking is for advice on those that have struggled, how to "let go in relationships," and how to learn to trust. The best piece of advice I have heard is that you can't control someone. I have a tendency to want to control outcomes, to avoid a perceived wrong or hurt that I assume will come; I think it comes from an insecurity or feeling "not good enough." I have pushed friends and boyfriends away because I always assume someone is going to hurt me, is out to get me or is "leaving me out." I want to change and be better because it's hurting me and others around me. The outcomes which I seek to avoid I am attracting if that makes sense.

Specifically, my partner and I are very social (him more so than I), he will always want to go out to have a good time, so will I. I go out with my girlfriends sometimes while he stays home with the baby, or once grandma has watched her so we could get away for the night. Now, it's his turn to go out and he wants to meet a group of friends (10 years younger than us) whom we met at the gym, and whom some are single (and attractive). He tells me his plans, but I feel this pit of anxiety rising and I assume, great he is going to meet someone he has more fun with, who is younger, prettier, etc (because lets be honest a newborn can bring out the worst in relationships and people and it is NOT all fun right now at home), he will cheat or find that he enjoys his time away more than with me. My first gut instinct is that he should not be going out without me when there are women there, but I know that sounds crazy. I want to trust him and let go and give him the space I'm sure any man would appreciate, and I know is healthy in a relationship. If he does do something, I can't control it. He is a very charming, attractive man, women are drawn to him and he does like to flirt (friendly) he knows when to draw the line, but in the beginning when we weren't sure where we were headed as a couple years ago he did cross the line a few times with women he met, I have also been divorced because I found out my ex husband was cheating on me so I have some issues. But, I fear if I don't get over this I will push him away. It also effects friendships because I fear everyone will leave, so I act dramatically and end up pushing them away. Lo

posted by MamaBee223 to Human Relations (10 answers total)

This is all related to anxiety, and the best ways to treat anxiety are talk therapy and medication. I was really scared to start therapy (see: anxiety), but it was a huge help in showing me that not only can we not control anyone else, but that the anxiety itself about other people doesn't prevent harm. I can worry about my partner all day, but the only way that might influence his desire to be someone else is that I'm a clingy and worrying and not fun to be with. You've (sadly) seen this yourself - worrying about your former husband didn't prevent him from cheating. But it's hard to convince our anxiety brain that it can't anticipate and prevent all the hurt in our lives (it can't, it's not helping, it's often actively hurting, as you note).

So I would encourage you to start therapy and maybe ask your GP or OB about anxiety medication as well. I personally found that talk therapy was so helpful (if tough in the short term) that I didn't want medication, but others are the exact opposite. But know that one of the keys is "is this impacting my ability to function?" and in your case, it absolutely is. So talk to your medical professionals, because why self-help can be useful, professional help can be faster and more effective.
posted by ldthomps at 7:44 AM on November 13, 2015

How much have you communicated with him about this? Have you mentioned that you're feeling insecure? Maybe you need more affection and reassurance in a relationship than he's giving you?
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 7:53 AM on November 13, 2015

Response by poster: I have, he has attended therapy with me... he knows my insecure/jealous feelings, they have been an on-going issue in our relationship because he just wants me to trust him and for me to feel more secure and confident. He doesn't persay go out of his way to help me feel these things, but hes done nothing for me to doubt him. He reassures me when I ask how he feels about me and the relationship, things like that. It probably is that I am lacking reassurance in this relationship because he doubted us and me for a while in the beginning. We are both to the point of enough is enough, he cant keep reassuring me and I can't keep beating myself up over things that haven't occurred or are out of my control, like I said he is who he is (very social/active) and this will always be him to go out occasionally without me, he is in the personal training/rehab field so he trains other women, so it is something if I don't accept and work on that will ruin us because he will not stop the things he enjoys just because I am feeling insecure for no reason other than he is spending time with friends that happen to include women, if that makes sense. We have a baby now which complicates everything more since we aren't able to go out together as often as we once did so now my trust really has to be intact.
posted by MamaBee223 at 8:01 AM on November 13, 2015

"You can't steal what doesn't want to be stolen."

I can argue and have bad times with my husband, but still remain 100% faithful. Because I don't want to cheat, I can't be influenced to. If your husband has never crossed the line in the time you've been married to him (not including those uncertain first days), he is currently trust-WORTHY.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 8:03 AM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]

Your partner should not be out partying when you have a 3 month old infant at home. That's not how parenting works.

Your body chemistry and emotions are not under your control right now. Your partner needs to understand how emotional giving birth can be by showing you and his child support, not running off to party with a group 10 years younger in a different life stage than he's at right now.

You may have anxiety and unrealistic expectations in other situations, but this one is not it.

You guys need.... Counseling to develop communication tools? Some books or blogs about the first year of being new parents? Examples and advice from friends who successfully navigated the first two years of parenting?

You and partner need to talk. It's an adjustment becoming a parent. You are deep in the trenches right now and need to support each other. I hope he agrees.
posted by jbenben at 8:04 AM on November 13, 2015 [19 favorites]

Upon your update, it's funny that your partner is in the "body business." He doesn't seem to understand the biology behind pregnancy and giving birth. Lots of hormones and body changes, lots.

Since this is his business, I suggest you both start there. Maybe a visit to your doctor to help explain what is going on biologically, and therefore emotionally, with you both right now?

In general, this is the easiest time to go out together with your infant. Obviously no drinking, but definitely it's a great time to go out and spend time together.

That's nice that your partner is social. Folks can come over and visit you, too.

You're going to be anxious and on "high alert" for a little while yet. That's a survival mechanism nature has installed in us, a sort of biological impulse to keep yourself and baby safe and sheltered. This time as a new parent goes easier when parents are on the same page.

You guys need actual resources, not internet opinions. I hope you get parenting guidance. This stage doesn't last forever, I hope you guys find your way through together.
posted by jbenben at 8:18 AM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]

I agree that a lot of over-controlling behavior comes from insecurity. I'm a pretty twitchy person and it can make me picky and unreasonable. Mostly my spouse and I talk and laugh about it when it comes up. He's pretty willing to help calm me down.

I felt awful about my body after childbirth and having a sleepless infant did put strain on my marriage. Fortunately for me, the nights out that my husband wanted to have were sports nights, so I didn't have much to worry about. Something that might be a reasonable compromise is that you each have an opportunity to go out every week, but that each of you return home fairly early or at least not super late. That reduces stress on the one waiting at home. (This does not guarantee zero cheating. Someone who wants to cheat can do it in ten minutes.)

It's important to remember that your present partner is not your ex and that he can easily feel insulted that you believe he's going to cheat. Of course you are aware of how much cheating hurts and that makes you jumpy, but practice seeing them as different people or you can undermine your own happiness.
posted by puddledork at 8:56 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

It does appear that you have two separate issues you need to address:

1) Your anxiety about your partner's behavior when he's away from you and your inability to trust him, and
2) Your partner's seeming dismissal of your needs as a woman with a 3-month old baby.

For item number one, yes, please get into therapy to learn to deal with your anxiety. For item number two, have a conversation with your partner about your needs as a new mother and your expectations of him as a partner and new father. His life cannot continue on as it was before the baby was born. Continuing to maintain the social life of a non-parent is disrespectful to you and that disrespect will only breed more distrust in you.

Does that mean he should become a hermit and never go out? No, of course not. It is healthy for both of you to continue to maintain independent social lives. But you and your baby should be his main priority and it really does not appear that he is giving the two of you the attention you need and deserve.
posted by scantee at 9:17 AM on November 13, 2015 [6 favorites]

If your thinking pattern will always find ways to convince yourself that others are on the brink of betraying you, choosing someone else over you, or finding some other way to damage you, it won't matter if your husband never goes out again and never speaks to a woman again. Your thinking pattern will find new and creative ways to convince you of the same old stuff. This is a pattern that will never be satisfied with external outcomes. This is why it's been so very damaging to your relationships across the board. External solutions won't work. What you can do is slowly but surely destroy the thinking pattern. That means continuing with therapy and committing yourself to policing the internal voice generated by the thinking pattern and shutting it down and talking over it when it starts up. It takes a long time to extinguish the negative voice, but it's possible. You can develop new mental habits that don't cause you to be anxious all the time and don't lead to behavior that erodes your relationships.

Part of the challenge here is also that the bad mental habit voice tends to get louder when we're tired and over-extended. It's no shock that they're extra disturbing now that you have a young baby. It's great that you're both giving one another time to be social as well as making time for couple things. And, it's OK to ask him for what you need, especially at this time when you've just had a baby. But, asking him to not be social will not fix this. This will be fixed with changing mental habits and continued therapy.

Remember that you husband knows about your insecurities and jealous feelings and the other parts of you that aren't perfect. And, he loves you despite them. He has chosen to pledge his life to you in partnership. He has started a family and had a child with you. That's the evidence of how he feels about you. He's happy with you. He wants a life with you. He wants you and your child to be at the core of his world.
posted by quince at 2:50 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]

You say your partner is very social and always wants to go out and have a good time - that's great - just not now, when his wife is home with a newborn. This is the time when he should be supporting you, not drinking it up with his mates. There will be a time when life is less hectic, the baby's schedule is more predictable and you're less hormonal and more well rested but it is not now. And quite frankly, his social life is never going to go back to exactly the way it was before so the sooner he gets used to that the better.

I'm not saying he can never go out, but there's a biological reason you're upset about this - because your monkey brain thinks your mate is abandoning you with a tiny baby and you're freaking out. That's hormones. It doesn't help that you have jealousy issues from your past but I would not be so quick to assign all blame to yourself here, it sounds like he has a bit of growing up to do.
posted by Jubey at 7:38 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]