Friend filter: how to find a younger man for a casual relationship?

November 11, 2015 2:15 PM

My friend, an attractive woman in her late forties, recently had a fling with a significantly younger (early thirties) guy whom she met by chance and who did all the pursuing. Both of them were unattached and, for various reasons, not interested in "real" relationships. It ended amicably and she realized that she would like to have this kind of lover in her life again, but how should she go about deliberately finding a willing partner?

She's willing to be more proactive this time, but where should she go to meet him, and how should she let him know she's interested? Any other advice on how to navigate these waters would be welcome (e.g. is there an "older woman experience" that young guys are looking for)?

In case it's relevant, she lives in Central Canada, but spends a significant amount of time in Europe, especially Poland.

posted by rpfields to Society & Culture (13 answers total)

Best answer: Has she tried posting a profile on OKCupid? She can be clear that she's looking for a fling and set her preferences to younger men.
posted by bunderful at 2:18 PM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

I totally agree that OK Cupid is the place to go for this
posted by elvissa at 2:20 PM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

OKCupid is her answer. Any woman over the age of 30 there will tell you about the high number of unsolicited "How do you feel about a younger man?" messages that show up in the inbox even if you're explicit in your profile/stated target age range that you do not want this.
posted by blue suede stockings at 2:32 PM on November 11, 2015 [5 favorites]

Nthing OKC. She should just make clear that she's looking for something casual.
posted by holborne at 2:41 PM on November 11, 2015

nthing OKC -- I have a friend in this exact situation in Los Angeles, and she's had great luck so far.
posted by janey47 at 2:48 PM on November 11, 2015

Best answer: Isn't this what Tinder is for?
posted by Jacqueline at 3:19 PM on November 11, 2015 [5 favorites]

I've been very happily partnered for a decade now (to an "older man," haha funny to write that phrase out), but I was in my early 20s when I realized that a big part of my sexual and romantic interest happened to be in men who were at least ten or fifteen years older than me. I wore my interests on my sleeve and found a degree of fulfillment I'd honestly never anticipated. It's a pretty tried and true approach, as others have already mentioned, to simply put out there--in whatever your medium is--what you're looking for.

Also keep in mind that bars or clubs or social spaces tend to cultivate a reputation that helps like-minded people find one another. I have no idea what the Central Canadian heterosexual older woman/younger male spots are, but I can rattle off those places for gay men in Little Rock, AR, Washington, DC, Los Angeles and San Francisco, CA. If she'd rather meet people in person, some apt internet searching and forum input could very likely point her in a good direction.

Anecdotally, an up-for-it "mature" woman looking for romance with younger dudes is a hotly sought fantasy for a lot of 20/30 something guys.

(Ugh these age-relative terms... I don't like writing them but they're understood.)
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:15 PM on November 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yeah, OKC is the place for her! I have guys who are HALF MY AGE emailing me there all the time, even though they're nowhere near my stated age range. I actually have more guys younger than me contacting me than guys who are older than me (though that could just mean that I'm a super old lady, but we'll just leave that aside as a possibility for now).
posted by triggerfinger at 4:35 PM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think location matters in this case. She should find out the most popular app in Poland or wherever she wants to meet these men and then yeah, set the age limits to what she wants and then say she's looking for a fling.
posted by sweetkid at 5:37 PM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

FetLife is another place she could go if she is at all kinky or at least not uncomfortable with kinky people. I have a FetLife profile and I get messages pretty regularly from guys into older women even though I'm not looking for sex partners.
posted by not that girl at 5:41 PM on November 11, 2015

Anecdotally, an up-for-it "mature" woman looking for romance with younger dudes is a hotly sought fantasy for a lot of 20/30 something guys.

NSA stuff shouldn't be a problem if the numbers are there.

Central Canadian heterosexual older woman/younger male spots are,

I think, really, that that might be any bar/club/concert/social event. Married people/couples tend to stay home, or go to restaurants. She should probably stay away from packs of youths, because among other things that might be a "guy's night out" sort of thing with attached people in the mix, but serendipitous IRL conversations pretty much anywhere eveningish might be just as fruitful as OKC, if she prefers talking to people face to face first.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:04 PM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

In my area (upstate NY) Tinder is great for this. OkCupid is okay but not as good because men there are more likely to set their age preferences low even if they're game for a no-strings thing with someone older. Using either, she should be aware that separating the wheat from the chaff can be frustrating. Sometimes I have great luck, sometimes it takes a while. (I'm 40 and am often going for guys in their late 20s.)
posted by metasarah at 4:15 AM on November 12, 2015

Response by poster: Thanks everybody, this has been very helpful and she is working on her OKC and Tinder profiles right now.
posted by rpfields at 6:17 AM on November 14, 2015