I'm the "other woman" & I have a guilty conscience. What to do?
November 10, 2015 1:10 PM Subscribe
I recently, drunkenly engaged in minimal (Re: not sex) cheating with a person in a long-term relationship. They seem disinterested in telling their partner, whereas I can't shake the feeling that they should know...
We share an extended social circle, and have always had positive interactions before. When I saw the partner the other night, and she was so sweet to me, my heart broke and telling her has been on my mind ever since.
But how can I, when the partner won't?
Should I?
Would you want to know?
This was a one time thing that just happened recently, after loads of flirting online, which I wasn't sure of the intentions behind...
Help!
We share an extended social circle, and have always had positive interactions before. When I saw the partner the other night, and she was so sweet to me, my heart broke and telling her has been on my mind ever since.
But how can I, when the partner won't?
Should I?
Would you want to know?
This was a one time thing that just happened recently, after loads of flirting online, which I wasn't sure of the intentions behind...
Help!
If I were the partner, I would want to know.
posted by Malleable at 1:15 PM on November 10, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by Malleable at 1:15 PM on November 10, 2015 [17 favorites]
I do not think it is your place to share this information. Attempting to absolve your guilt by foisting your actions onto the victim's plate when you're not certain if that's what she'd want is unfair. Whether I'd want to know is immaterial since I know I'm not her as I'm currently single.
Use your guilt to make sure it doesn't happen again.
posted by vegartanipla at 1:15 PM on November 10, 2015 [20 favorites]
Use your guilt to make sure it doesn't happen again.
posted by vegartanipla at 1:15 PM on November 10, 2015 [20 favorites]
Would you want to know?
Would I want to continue on with my happy, trusting relationship, or would I want it shattered? Seems like an easy choice to me, as long as my health is not in any danger.
posted by ftm at 1:16 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Would I want to continue on with my happy, trusting relationship, or would I want it shattered? Seems like an easy choice to me, as long as my health is not in any danger.
posted by ftm at 1:16 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
You are wanting to tell her to assuage your own guilt. Don't do this. What you did was wrong, but dumping this on her to make yourself feel better is just going to bring more pain to the situation.
posted by goggie at 1:16 PM on November 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by goggie at 1:16 PM on November 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
...What exactly happened? Did he try to kiss you, or did you both start making out and then you realized "wait, whoa, let's stop" or what?
If it was a mutual thing, the MOST I would do is to try to persuade him to be the one to tell her. Which will achieve one of two things - either he tells her, or he gets so annoyed he avoids you, and either way this fixes your problem.
If it was mostly his initiation, then - you aren't at fault and he's just a dickweed.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:24 PM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
If it was a mutual thing, the MOST I would do is to try to persuade him to be the one to tell her. Which will achieve one of two things - either he tells her, or he gets so annoyed he avoids you, and either way this fixes your problem.
If it was mostly his initiation, then - you aren't at fault and he's just a dickweed.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:24 PM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Leave it alone and stop flirting and messing around with people who are in relationships. It's not your place to inform her and you're highly motivated to do so in order to unburden yourself of the guilt and bad feelings you're having. Don't do it again and move along.
posted by quince at 1:25 PM on November 10, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by quince at 1:25 PM on November 10, 2015 [21 favorites]
I've been in a similar situtation and I agree with the majority above: there is nothing to talk about, deal with your guilt and don't do it again.
During a long life, anyone can slip once or twice. I don't commend infidelity, but it's human. Turning something insignificant into what might become a life-shattering drama is less than human, in my view.
posted by mumimor at 1:27 PM on November 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
During a long life, anyone can slip once or twice. I don't commend infidelity, but it's human. Turning something insignificant into what might become a life-shattering drama is less than human, in my view.
posted by mumimor at 1:27 PM on November 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
But how can I, when the partner won't?
Should I?
Would you want to know?
Speaking as someone with a solid decade of experience as an OW, most often in situations significantly more deceitful and harrowing than this:
Don't worry about it, because what happens between them doesn't concern or involve you.
No.
No.
You need to stop talking to the partnered person, like, yesterday. Delete the emails, block the IMs, do whatever you need to do to take them out of your sphere of awareness altogether. If not talking to them at all would make things awkward and obvious in your social circle, cool off your interactions to a temperature ever so slightly above freezing.
Be polite to their SO but keep it very short, because the more you interact with her, the more you're going to feel like telling her, and telling her is going to bring a boatload of unnecessary drama into all of your lives; it will not bring anyone any kind of absolution or peace. Book a couple of sessions with a therapist if you start to get those pesky Must Tell Someone Right Now feelings. Then go and sin no more.
posted by divined by radio at 1:28 PM on November 10, 2015 [16 favorites]
Should I?
Would you want to know?
Speaking as someone with a solid decade of experience as an OW, most often in situations significantly more deceitful and harrowing than this:
Don't worry about it, because what happens between them doesn't concern or involve you.
No.
No.
You need to stop talking to the partnered person, like, yesterday. Delete the emails, block the IMs, do whatever you need to do to take them out of your sphere of awareness altogether. If not talking to them at all would make things awkward and obvious in your social circle, cool off your interactions to a temperature ever so slightly above freezing.
Be polite to their SO but keep it very short, because the more you interact with her, the more you're going to feel like telling her, and telling her is going to bring a boatload of unnecessary drama into all of your lives; it will not bring anyone any kind of absolution or peace. Book a couple of sessions with a therapist if you start to get those pesky Must Tell Someone Right Now feelings. Then go and sin no more.
posted by divined by radio at 1:28 PM on November 10, 2015 [16 favorites]
This was a one time thing that just happened recently, after loads of flirting online, which I wasn't sure of the intentions behind...
I think some bigtime lede burying is going on here. This wasn't a "crime of passion" or like, a drunken makeout session that happened because you guys were wasted... This was premeditated.
What i'm saying is that this isn't just physical cheating, it's emotional cheating too.
Now, should you tell? Well this, on the green and in general, is as contentious as the opposite-sex-friends-while-in-relationship questions that have come up recently. There would be a lot of blowback and messenger shooting i bet, and you would probably fuck up your relationship with that group of friends.
I probably wouldn't say anything, but this isn't "just" making out or whatever.
posted by emptythought at 1:31 PM on November 10, 2015 [33 favorites]
I think some bigtime lede burying is going on here. This wasn't a "crime of passion" or like, a drunken makeout session that happened because you guys were wasted... This was premeditated.
What i'm saying is that this isn't just physical cheating, it's emotional cheating too.
Now, should you tell? Well this, on the green and in general, is as contentious as the opposite-sex-friends-while-in-relationship questions that have come up recently. There would be a lot of blowback and messenger shooting i bet, and you would probably fuck up your relationship with that group of friends.
I probably wouldn't say anything, but this isn't "just" making out or whatever.
posted by emptythought at 1:31 PM on November 10, 2015 [33 favorites]
I'm having a bit of trouble understanding your view of the narrative that you want to have. I understand that you feel horrible about what happened, and that you like his partner and therefore ---? Is it that you want her to know that her partner is a cheater / looking to fool around on her? Or is it that you want her to know that hey, I hooked up with your boyfriend?
Because there's no way to tell her the first one without her also hearing the second one. If she wants to stay with her partner, you will become Bad Person Number One, not him. If she decides to cut him loose - the same is still true, except that now he will also have reason to blame you as the primary instigator. You will have hurt all three of you, and I don't see what you will have gained.
Write out a full confession, say what you need to say, ask for whatever you hope to get from it, and then delete / burn / shred that letter. If it's still that important to you that she knows, stick with pressuring him to tell her. But I think you're better off cutting all ties with both of them.
posted by Mchelly at 1:39 PM on November 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
Because there's no way to tell her the first one without her also hearing the second one. If she wants to stay with her partner, you will become Bad Person Number One, not him. If she decides to cut him loose - the same is still true, except that now he will also have reason to blame you as the primary instigator. You will have hurt all three of you, and I don't see what you will have gained.
Write out a full confession, say what you need to say, ask for whatever you hope to get from it, and then delete / burn / shred that letter. If it's still that important to you that she knows, stick with pressuring him to tell her. But I think you're better off cutting all ties with both of them.
posted by Mchelly at 1:39 PM on November 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
Now, should you tell? Well this, on the green and in general, is as contentious as the opposite-sex-friends-while-in-relationship questions that have come up recently.
that hey, I hooked up with your boyfriend?
One notes that the OP has their gender listed as 'other' and never mentions the gender of the partner, so mayhaps we can avoid assumptions about the genders of the people in question? :)
Otherwise, dear OP, cut the flirtation, leave the couple alone, let them do them.
posted by joycehealy at 1:46 PM on November 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
that hey, I hooked up with your boyfriend?
One notes that the OP has their gender listed as 'other' and never mentions the gender of the partner, so mayhaps we can avoid assumptions about the genders of the people in question? :)
Otherwise, dear OP, cut the flirtation, leave the couple alone, let them do them.
posted by joycehealy at 1:46 PM on November 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm going to point out that there's been lots of flirting online that then led to physical contact. Presumably this person wasn't drunk during all the online flirtation, and they were 100% aware of what they were doing and that it was emotional cheating. That's not nothing and it's not just your guilt trip. Partner engaged in physical contact with you after concerted, premeditated emotional cheating online. That's not some spur of the moment "accident".
Also, I don't know why so many people say, "It's not your business." or whatever. Partner made it your business when they involved you in their emotional and physical cheating. This code of silence bullshit always protects the cheating partner. While you did do something dubious, they're presumably in a committed relationship with someone who trusts them not to do these kinds of things.
You aren't required to tell, of course. But if you do tell, make sure you save screenshots of all the communication so Partner can't deny their behavior. You'll probably still be persona non grata, but there will be proof that you're not lying and that Partner is a cheater.
posted by i feel possessed at 1:51 PM on November 10, 2015 [25 favorites]
Also, I don't know why so many people say, "It's not your business." or whatever. Partner made it your business when they involved you in their emotional and physical cheating. This code of silence bullshit always protects the cheating partner. While you did do something dubious, they're presumably in a committed relationship with someone who trusts them not to do these kinds of things.
You aren't required to tell, of course. But if you do tell, make sure you save screenshots of all the communication so Partner can't deny their behavior. You'll probably still be persona non grata, but there will be proof that you're not lying and that Partner is a cheater.
posted by i feel possessed at 1:51 PM on November 10, 2015 [25 favorites]
accidents happen.
I think this is best filed under letting the guy know you won't be doing that again. And not doing it again.
Or, maybe he is able to negotiate something in their relationship that allows him to keep seeing you...However, seeing as he's already "peed in the cheerios" with you, I don't know that I would want to remain involved with him even if he were to somehow "make it okay" with his other partner?
Love is messy sometimes, people do hurtful and regrettable things, but what he has with her is not what he has with you, so don't go inserting yourself in their relationship. Your guilt is on you to face and move beyond.
posted by Annika Cicada at 1:53 PM on November 10, 2015
I think this is best filed under letting the guy know you won't be doing that again. And not doing it again.
Or, maybe he is able to negotiate something in their relationship that allows him to keep seeing you...However, seeing as he's already "peed in the cheerios" with you, I don't know that I would want to remain involved with him even if he were to somehow "make it okay" with his other partner?
Love is messy sometimes, people do hurtful and regrettable things, but what he has with her is not what he has with you, so don't go inserting yourself in their relationship. Your guilt is on you to face and move beyond.
posted by Annika Cicada at 1:53 PM on November 10, 2015
I don't totally understand why we always lean toward 'don't tell' on the green. I agree not telling is usually the cleaner, more convenient option, and frequently means less suffering.
Unfortunately, I don't think morality is about making the easier, more convenient and less painful choice.
Can you imagine teaching kids that if they do something bad to someone else and hide the evidence, it's the best possible option?
If you have reason to believe that this was cheating, and not within the parameters of an open relationship, then you're not outright wrong to consider telling the truth and bearing the consequences.
posted by namesarehard at 2:02 PM on November 10, 2015 [33 favorites]
Unfortunately, I don't think morality is about making the easier, more convenient and less painful choice.
Can you imagine teaching kids that if they do something bad to someone else and hide the evidence, it's the best possible option?
If you have reason to believe that this was cheating, and not within the parameters of an open relationship, then you're not outright wrong to consider telling the truth and bearing the consequences.
posted by namesarehard at 2:02 PM on November 10, 2015 [33 favorites]
Don't say anything. It's not your place. Chances are the partner knows that there's something wrong with their relationship. Saying something makes it all about you and it's really not.
I'm speaking as the child of a father whose 'other woman' felt the need to tell my mother and thereby make it all about her. It imploded our family. My mother wasn't stupid, she knew their marriage was a mess and this was going on but marriage has practical purposes and none of us appreciated our lives being smashed to smithereems by someone who should've known better in the first place and REALLY should've thought harder before announcing herself as important party and forcing everyone's hand.
It amuses me that her affair with my dad didn't survive her making it public.
posted by kitten magic at 2:07 PM on November 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm speaking as the child of a father whose 'other woman' felt the need to tell my mother and thereby make it all about her. It imploded our family. My mother wasn't stupid, she knew their marriage was a mess and this was going on but marriage has practical purposes and none of us appreciated our lives being smashed to smithereems by someone who should've known better in the first place and REALLY should've thought harder before announcing herself as important party and forcing everyone's hand.
It amuses me that her affair with my dad didn't survive her making it public.
posted by kitten magic at 2:07 PM on November 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
just happened recently, after loads of flirting online
Going against the prevailing attitude here, I would ABSOLUTELY want to know this. This isn't a drunken kiss under the mistletoe at a raging party, this is an attempted affair (on his part.) Hell, it was already an affair depending on the boundaries of their relationship and the intensity of your flirting. He's not going to tell, so you're the only one who can tell her that her husband is a cheater.
I don't think you are obligated to tell her but if your conscience is directing you to, then listen to that. It's not going to assuage your guilt, so don't do it for that reason, only do it if it's truly a motivation to clue her in, but I actually think it's nice that you feel bad since interacting with her-- you realize this is a human that your actions affected.
Is there a way you can do so anonymously then stay out of contact with both of them forevermore? Of course this will disrupt your social circle, but that's the price you pay for participating in infidelity.
ETA: apologies if I have misgendered anybody or mischaracterized the relationship!
posted by kapers at 2:09 PM on November 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
Going against the prevailing attitude here, I would ABSOLUTELY want to know this. This isn't a drunken kiss under the mistletoe at a raging party, this is an attempted affair (on his part.) Hell, it was already an affair depending on the boundaries of their relationship and the intensity of your flirting. He's not going to tell, so you're the only one who can tell her that her husband is a cheater.
I don't think you are obligated to tell her but if your conscience is directing you to, then listen to that. It's not going to assuage your guilt, so don't do it for that reason, only do it if it's truly a motivation to clue her in, but I actually think it's nice that you feel bad since interacting with her-- you realize this is a human that your actions affected.
Is there a way you can do so anonymously then stay out of contact with both of them forevermore? Of course this will disrupt your social circle, but that's the price you pay for participating in infidelity.
ETA: apologies if I have misgendered anybody or mischaracterized the relationship!
posted by kapers at 2:09 PM on November 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
i think maybe one reason it's "don't tell" is because the motive is wrong.
you didn't think it necessary to tell with the flirting. if that wasn't clear, then you didn't think to stop when it was clear. you kept going and now feel bad.
so why so suddenly are you moral now, afterwards? the reason seems to be not because you care about the other person, but because you feel bad, and want to feel better.
and that's not a good reason to tell someone.
posted by andrewcooke at 2:10 PM on November 10, 2015 [17 favorites]
you didn't think it necessary to tell with the flirting. if that wasn't clear, then you didn't think to stop when it was clear. you kept going and now feel bad.
so why so suddenly are you moral now, afterwards? the reason seems to be not because you care about the other person, but because you feel bad, and want to feel better.
and that's not a good reason to tell someone.
posted by andrewcooke at 2:10 PM on November 10, 2015 [17 favorites]
There's not necessarily a clear cut answer as to how to handle situations like these, but from what you've described yours is not a situation in which telling seems appropriate.
What is a situation where telling is appropriate? In my mind, it's when the cheating partner puts the health or well-being of their partner at risk. This might include behaviors like: unprotected sex, a pattern of cheating with many different people over many years, or sex with vulnerable people (i.e., underage).
You'll likely just have to sit with your guilt and let them be. Accidents happen, people are complicated, nobody is perfect. If cheating is a recurrent behavior for him, his partner will eventually find out, mostly likely because the cheater's tolerance for risk will increase until the point at which he will do something to reveal his deceit.
posted by scantee at 2:20 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
What is a situation where telling is appropriate? In my mind, it's when the cheating partner puts the health or well-being of their partner at risk. This might include behaviors like: unprotected sex, a pattern of cheating with many different people over many years, or sex with vulnerable people (i.e., underage).
You'll likely just have to sit with your guilt and let them be. Accidents happen, people are complicated, nobody is perfect. If cheating is a recurrent behavior for him, his partner will eventually find out, mostly likely because the cheater's tolerance for risk will increase until the point at which he will do something to reveal his deceit.
posted by scantee at 2:20 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
"I'm the "other woman" & I have a guilty conscience. What to do?"
This is Your guilt and Your conscience... This has nothing to do with their relationship.
Make a pact with yourself to never get involved with people in relationships-- learn that this is not for you.
Walk away and live a good life.
posted by calgirl at 2:21 PM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is Your guilt and Your conscience... This has nothing to do with their relationship.
Make a pact with yourself to never get involved with people in relationships-- learn that this is not for you.
Walk away and live a good life.
posted by calgirl at 2:21 PM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
In 12 step programs, there is a kind of amend called a living amends. That is where, instead of apologizing which is easy and cheap, you change your behavior. Unless you are the king or queen of the universe, you have no idea what will happen if you say anything to The partner. It does sound as though you are simply trying to stop feeling guilty rather than be a moral person. Also, two of you were flirting online if I understand correctly. So my advice is to stop that shit immediately, zip your lip, and do not flirt with people who are unavailable. In other words, what several other people told you. Make a living amends. Don't be the other woman again. And don't potentially ruin someone else's relationship to feel less guilty. It won't work. And may give you much worse things to feel guilty about.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:30 PM on November 10, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 2:30 PM on November 10, 2015 [15 favorites]
Something to consider: most here say that you are assuaging guilt by contemplating sharing the information with The Partner. To me, I dunno, it reads as though you were/are having an emotional affair via text and this possible 'confession' is to push your paramour attachments and flirtation out of the shadows, forcing a more public link with you.
No one wants to feel like they were played around with, but since you have known for a long time that you are playing with a Partnered Person, this feels like another enactment of a game of cheat. The provocation to honesty wasn't present in your interactive behaviour until you saw the uninterrupted socially pleasant relationship of the Partnered People in front of you.
I sense that you want the flirtatious interaction to have consequences, weight and substance, or to force a reckoning between bloke and yourself.
If so, don't do that.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:53 PM on November 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
No one wants to feel like they were played around with, but since you have known for a long time that you are playing with a Partnered Person, this feels like another enactment of a game of cheat. The provocation to honesty wasn't present in your interactive behaviour until you saw the uninterrupted socially pleasant relationship of the Partnered People in front of you.
I sense that you want the flirtatious interaction to have consequences, weight and substance, or to force a reckoning between bloke and yourself.
If so, don't do that.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:53 PM on November 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
Yes, please do the right thing and tell her. What you and the other person did was wrong. They cheated and betrayed the trust in the relationship and you were the person they did it with. This person has probably cheated before and will cheat again. Worse, this woman will never know and may marry this person (not going to go into them having kids and after a few years she finds out which destroys a family and impacts more than one life). Always amazed at statements like "what happens to others does not concern you..etc.." Sure that would have been the case if you were not involved in breaking the trust of their relationship, however yes, you were involved and yes you should speak up.
posted by stepup at 3:00 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by stepup at 3:00 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Do not hurt and humiliate this person to ease your guilt. It doesn't matter whether it was premeditated or not, it shouldn't have happened - and God knows I'm not speaking from my high horse here but as someone who has done worse. But she does not need the pain and shock of hearing anything from you out of the blue. This is his news to break or not, your job now is to stay away and don't let it happen again unless you want to feel roughly one billion times worse. If their marriage was 100% rock solid nothing would have happened with you. That's not condoning anything, just to say they have bigger problems than you and that is for them to work out alone. Leave it.
posted by billiebee at 3:08 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 3:08 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
What you feel is not guilt. You want to be important just like you did when you hooked up with someone in a relationship. You want to do harm, while pretending to do good. So get in contact with you. Find someone who wants to be central to your life, don't settle for being a dessert course. Treat yourself better than flirting with someone who is taken. If you two get together via you breaking his SO's heart for him, neither of you will trust each other anyway. What if he knows you well enough, that you will do the breakup for him? Is that how you are actually being used? Guilt, that seems a luxurious notion.
posted by Oyéah at 3:13 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 3:13 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
i have been the other woman multiple times. in my opinion it all depends on how much of friends you and her are. is she a close enough friend that if you found out for sure her partner was cheating on her that you'd tell her? then you should tell her. otherwise you should not tell her because you aren't being driven to tell for the right reasons. i generally was the other woman where i had no relationship, even casual, with the partners because then i'm not only helping someone break their commitments, i'm breaking my own, and i was never ok with that.
posted by nadawi at 3:16 PM on November 10, 2015
posted by nadawi at 3:16 PM on November 10, 2015
Im of the opinion that Id always want to know. Im not sure you have a duty to tell, but i would want to be told. Im apparently much more of a hardliner than many here.
My mom was cheated on; and being ignorant of that fact just caused so many more problems than honest communications would have.
While the messenger isnt flawless here, i feel like some people like to blame the messenger for disrupting someone elses world.
posted by Jacen at 3:24 PM on November 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
My mom was cheated on; and being ignorant of that fact just caused so many more problems than honest communications would have.
While the messenger isnt flawless here, i feel like some people like to blame the messenger for disrupting someone elses world.
posted by Jacen at 3:24 PM on November 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
She deserves to know, but not from you.
You have a conflict of interest, therefore shouldn't be the one to tell. Nor should you do anything that causes her to find out about it.
Since the other person who knows will not tell, there is nothing you can do about this other than cut off contact.
posted by tel3path at 3:32 PM on November 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
You have a conflict of interest, therefore shouldn't be the one to tell. Nor should you do anything that causes her to find out about it.
Since the other person who knows will not tell, there is nothing you can do about this other than cut off contact.
posted by tel3path at 3:32 PM on November 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
Telling her (or anyone except a priest or therapist) will do nothing to relieve your guilt. You'll still be left with the knowledge that you danced around the edges online, and then got physical with a man who's in a relationship. All your bad feelings will remain, PLUS you'll have interfered further in their relationship. Everyone in your social circle will find out and some of them will be selfish and revel in the drama, making it even worse for the woman who loves that guy.
You and he made a serious mistake -- you see that now. I definitely understand that you want to feel better by doing the right thing. I suggest that you do any and all right things you might choose, things that the best part of yourself would choose to do. Do things that are unrelated to the cheating incident. Maybe do a favor or a kindness for a real friend. Help someone out, donate to charity, show compassion to someone who could really use it. Do things that help you feel like a good person.
If it continues to eat away at you and you need to talk about it, see a therapist for a session or two.
Also, when you're ready you should honestly retrace what has gone on with you and him. It started with one small inappropriate step, followed by several others. Figure out how to stop yourself from even beginning on that path in the future with someone else.
posted by wryly at 3:39 PM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
You and he made a serious mistake -- you see that now. I definitely understand that you want to feel better by doing the right thing. I suggest that you do any and all right things you might choose, things that the best part of yourself would choose to do. Do things that are unrelated to the cheating incident. Maybe do a favor or a kindness for a real friend. Help someone out, donate to charity, show compassion to someone who could really use it. Do things that help you feel like a good person.
If it continues to eat away at you and you need to talk about it, see a therapist for a session or two.
Also, when you're ready you should honestly retrace what has gone on with you and him. It started with one small inappropriate step, followed by several others. Figure out how to stop yourself from even beginning on that path in the future with someone else.
posted by wryly at 3:39 PM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
She deserves to know, but not from you.
Yes!! tel3path's answer is great. The "other woman" isn't just the messenger in this scenario, they are a participant.
If the question were about some other uninvolved person telling the SO my answer might be different.
posted by kitten magic at 3:41 PM on November 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yes!! tel3path's answer is great. The "other woman" isn't just the messenger in this scenario, they are a participant.
If the question were about some other uninvolved person telling the SO my answer might be different.
posted by kitten magic at 3:41 PM on November 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
A participant who isn't in the original relationship I mean. The person who should do the telling is the SO.
posted by kitten magic at 3:42 PM on November 10, 2015
posted by kitten magic at 3:42 PM on November 10, 2015
You're not the one who promised her a monogamous relationship. You're also not obligated to keep it a secret if you don't want to do that.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:58 PM on November 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 3:58 PM on November 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
I was told. It ruined my life. I say don't.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 4:17 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by WesterbergHigh at 4:17 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would want to know, but then I would regret knowing.
Let the SO tell if it needs being told.
posted by AugustWest at 4:17 PM on November 10, 2015
Let the SO tell if it needs being told.
posted by AugustWest at 4:17 PM on November 10, 2015
But, if it is to be told by SO, SO must tell you that it was told so you do not get sandbagged next time you see them.
posted by AugustWest at 4:18 PM on November 10, 2015
posted by AugustWest at 4:18 PM on November 10, 2015
If you're certain they don't have an open relationship, and you believe he might cheat again in a way that exposes her to not just emotional but physical risk (STDs), then I think you should tell. He certainly doesn't sound repentant, and the way this is described makes me think he will do this sort of thing again, and more if allowed.
Be prepared to be scapegoated, though. We've had a great demonstration in this very thread of someone irrationally blaming the OW for destroying their parents' marriage by coming clean, without any apparent acknowledgement that the father is the one who destroyed his marriage by cheating. Be prepared to be blamed disproportionally to your actual actions.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 4:19 PM on November 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
Be prepared to be scapegoated, though. We've had a great demonstration in this very thread of someone irrationally blaming the OW for destroying their parents' marriage by coming clean, without any apparent acknowledgement that the father is the one who destroyed his marriage by cheating. Be prepared to be blamed disproportionally to your actual actions.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 4:19 PM on November 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
Best answer: You should tell her. So your worldview is one where you can trust your friends to tell you if they knew your SO was cheating. Since you need the right motivation to make an action be right.
The risk is not that she knows already, because there would be no risk in that. The risk is that she doesn't know and is planning to sacrifice parts of her life for someone she thinks is monogamous.
posted by kinoeye at 4:58 PM on November 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
The risk is not that she knows already, because there would be no risk in that. The risk is that she doesn't know and is planning to sacrifice parts of her life for someone she thinks is monogamous.
posted by kinoeye at 4:58 PM on November 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
She probably already suspects him. He is the type of guy who flirts with other women online. He is the type of guy who makes out with other women. It is doubtful that you are the only one he is doing this with. Leave her alone. You are not her friend. You have no place in this. If you had slept with him then yes, you should tell her, because then you have a common risk of whatever VDs he has shared with the two of you. Since it didn't go that far, just walk away and don't allow him to contact you ever again.
posted by myselfasme at 5:45 PM on November 10, 2015
posted by myselfasme at 5:45 PM on November 10, 2015
As a person whose partner cheated on her in a prolonged and ugly way, my feeling is: this is not your responsibility to to tell this woman she is being poorly used by her partner; it is not your right to assuage your guilt and ease your burden by telling this woman you helped her partner abuse her trust. She has a right to know and someone has the duty to tell her, but it is not you.
posted by crush-onastick at 5:50 PM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by crush-onastick at 5:50 PM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
so why so suddenly are you moral now, afterwards? the reason seems to be not because you care about the other person, but because you feel bad, and want to feel better.
and that's not a good reason to tell someone.
I think it's worth noting, and i've said this in threads like this before, that just because there's a bad motive to do something good doesn't cancel out the good thing. This is a huge grey area. You're doing the right thing for the right and wrong reasons. Just because you have a personal motive for doing something right doesn't make it suddenly wrong.
The other thing is that some people are just flirts. Their partners usually know and have noticed this. But there's a big difference between flirting and acting on it. It's like a smoke alarm going off versus actually seeing fire.
posted by emptythought at 6:06 PM on November 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
and that's not a good reason to tell someone.
I think it's worth noting, and i've said this in threads like this before, that just because there's a bad motive to do something good doesn't cancel out the good thing. This is a huge grey area. You're doing the right thing for the right and wrong reasons. Just because you have a personal motive for doing something right doesn't make it suddenly wrong.
The other thing is that some people are just flirts. Their partners usually know and have noticed this. But there's a big difference between flirting and acting on it. It's like a smoke alarm going off versus actually seeing fire.
posted by emptythought at 6:06 PM on November 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I feel like the answer might be different if you just saw this person's partner cheating and wondered whether or not to tell on them, but since you are the one who they cheated with, the important thing is to get your own shit straight and not worry about everyone else's problems.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:14 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:14 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't tell her. The only reason I can think of where you absolutely have to tell is when there is a public health threat. You didn't cheat with him so the threat (ie STDs) does not exist.
Someone will eventually notice the something extra in your interactions with him so it's good if you fade them out of your life. If you can't, then never ever be even a little drunk around either of them.
If you do end up telling her, this is what happens:
1. She will think badly of you (because she's in love with her partner, she is blind to his mistakes)
2. She may thank you for telling her, but this is really unlikely because she will hate you after this. The only situation I can see her being thankful to you for telling her is if you never even knew they were in a relationship and/or he fruitlessly pursued you (ie you did not reciprocate). And even then some people are not so charitable in that situation.
3. She, and whoever she decides to tell, ends up thinking that you're scheming to steal her partner. Because #1 you have no evidence #2 you are complicit in his attempted affair #3 you're her direct competition
4. Everyone will think you're socially unaware/call you names behind your back and you may lose your mutual social circle
TL;DR this will backfire despite your good intentions. Certainly if you told me, I would have no mercy for you.
posted by rozaine at 7:31 PM on November 10, 2015
Someone will eventually notice the something extra in your interactions with him so it's good if you fade them out of your life. If you can't, then never ever be even a little drunk around either of them.
If you do end up telling her, this is what happens:
1. She will think badly of you (because she's in love with her partner, she is blind to his mistakes)
2. She may thank you for telling her, but this is really unlikely because she will hate you after this. The only situation I can see her being thankful to you for telling her is if you never even knew they were in a relationship and/or he fruitlessly pursued you (ie you did not reciprocate). And even then some people are not so charitable in that situation.
3. She, and whoever she decides to tell, ends up thinking that you're scheming to steal her partner. Because #1 you have no evidence #2 you are complicit in his attempted affair #3 you're her direct competition
4. Everyone will think you're socially unaware/call you names behind your back and you may lose your mutual social circle
TL;DR this will backfire despite your good intentions. Certainly if you told me, I would have no mercy for you.
posted by rozaine at 7:31 PM on November 10, 2015
I think it's worth noting, and i've said this in threads like this before, that just because there's a bad motive to do something good doesn't cancel out the good thing.
Telling her does not equate to an unequivocal good. Not everyone wants to know about a one-time fling that their partner had.
posted by oneirodynia at 7:58 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Telling her does not equate to an unequivocal good. Not everyone wants to know about a one-time fling that their partner had.
posted by oneirodynia at 7:58 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'll answer your third question confidently - I would want to know.
However, I've seen this question raised numerous times here, whether someone should tell the partner of someone who's been unfaithful.
If you tell her, there's no guarantee she'll be pleased with your honesty, especially as you were the other guilty party, and this could backfire tremendously.
posted by NatalieWood at 8:04 PM on November 10, 2015
However, I've seen this question raised numerous times here, whether someone should tell the partner of someone who's been unfaithful.
If you tell her, there's no guarantee she'll be pleased with your honesty, especially as you were the other guilty party, and this could backfire tremendously.
posted by NatalieWood at 8:04 PM on November 10, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks for all the responses...All I can say, is that after all the online flirting, I honestly wasn't sure if it was flirting, so I waited to ask them directly if that was so, in person, at which point they told me, yes.
I stared at them.
I asked them if they had an open relationship. They said, "no," and appeared to be pained. A moment later their friend came to join us and bought us shots til we ended up losing all inhibition...
I feel guilty because I think his partner is amazing, and they've helped me, literally, to be free...
I think they should know, because they're a good fucking person.
posted by meeeese at 10:01 PM on November 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
I stared at them.
I asked them if they had an open relationship. They said, "no," and appeared to be pained. A moment later their friend came to join us and bought us shots til we ended up losing all inhibition...
I feel guilty because I think his partner is amazing, and they've helped me, literally, to be free...
I think they should know, because they're a good fucking person.
posted by meeeese at 10:01 PM on November 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: They seem disinterested in telling their partner
I'll bet you a fiver that you're not the only women he's cheated on with his partner. He's not interested in telling her about this because he plans to have his cake and eat it too.
They said, "no," and appeared to be pained.
He looked pained because he thought that, despite your flirting, you might back off from his advances. Luckily for him you became drunk and responded.
The partner deserves to know. If has been cheating on her with other women, unlike with you it might not just have been non-sexual, and she might be at risk of an STI if he's not been protecting himself. This is important information she needs to have so she can make an informed choice.
He can fuck right off. You have made the right decision.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:23 PM on November 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'll bet you a fiver that you're not the only women he's cheated on with his partner. He's not interested in telling her about this because he plans to have his cake and eat it too.
They said, "no," and appeared to be pained.
He looked pained because he thought that, despite your flirting, you might back off from his advances. Luckily for him you became drunk and responded.
The partner deserves to know. If has been cheating on her with other women, unlike with you it might not just have been non-sexual, and she might be at risk of an STI if he's not been protecting himself. This is important information she needs to have so she can make an informed choice.
He can fuck right off. You have made the right decision.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:23 PM on November 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
I would want to know, because I would leave that SOB immediately and never look back.
The person who was wronged deserves the respect of knowing the truth. As was said above, if they aren't told, then either now or in the future they may make sacrifices based on a false assumption. Maybe they'll give up a career for the sake of the other person's career; maybe they'll donate a kidney; maybe they'll pass up a chance at a wonderful relationship with someone who would never cheat on them, because they are with this cheater.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:12 PM on November 10, 2015 [10 favorites]
The person who was wronged deserves the respect of knowing the truth. As was said above, if they aren't told, then either now or in the future they may make sacrifices based on a false assumption. Maybe they'll give up a career for the sake of the other person's career; maybe they'll donate a kidney; maybe they'll pass up a chance at a wonderful relationship with someone who would never cheat on them, because they are with this cheater.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:12 PM on November 10, 2015 [10 favorites]
This is an impossible question to answer because everyone's take is going to be so useless, the fact is the only person who can tell you whether or not she would want to know is... the partner.
But for myself, I would want to know so I could dump his ass.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:39 AM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
But for myself, I would want to know so I could dump his ass.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:39 AM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Would I want to know? Yes. Would I want the other woman to be the one to tell me? Definitely not!
posted by intensitymultiply at 4:33 AM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by intensitymultiply at 4:33 AM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Each one of us has a different moral compass, and is bound to give you a different answer based on how they would react in your stead. Well, this Internet stranger isn't giving you permission to tell his regular lady because I wouldn't do it. Nor would I want to be told (ignorance is bliss).
However, you seem to have come to AskMetafilter because you feel the urge to tell and you need our validation to do that. So I'll tell you this: do as you bloody please!
posted by Kwadeng at 4:35 AM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
However, you seem to have come to AskMetafilter because you feel the urge to tell and you need our validation to do that. So I'll tell you this: do as you bloody please!
posted by Kwadeng at 4:35 AM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
The problem is you just don't have enough information about their relationship, what they know about his cheating and flirting, and whether they would want to be told. As you can see from the responses above, people really differ on the question of whether they would want to be told if their partner did cheat and those who have been told about a partner cheating also seem to have a wide variety of reactions. Nor can you get enough information in order to make an informed decision as that would require you to be inappropriately intrusive. So, what do you do when you just don't know enough to know the right thing to do? My take is that it is better to do nothing in such situations, that it is better not to take action which might have a drastic impact when you just don't know much about their relationship. (Note: I'm not saying you are obligated to keep this a secret, you aren't (it is his job not to cheat or to hide his cheating if he does, not yours). You certainly have the right to tell.)
I will also note that I see two different motives at work which you should think about. Since you are inclined to tell the partner, think carefully about whether you are doing it to absolve your guilt or out of concern for and loyalty to the partner.
posted by Area Man at 6:44 AM on November 11, 2015
I will also note that I see two different motives at work which you should think about. Since you are inclined to tell the partner, think carefully about whether you are doing it to absolve your guilt or out of concern for and loyalty to the partner.
posted by Area Man at 6:44 AM on November 11, 2015
I tend to lean on the side of not telling, but after reading the OP's follow up, I agree with urbanwhaleshark. This situation does not seem to be a simple innocent-flirtation-getting-carried-away-one-regrettable-drunken-moment scenario.
This person readily admitted cultivating an interest in you, someone other than their partner, and yet seemed pained to admit the relationship was not open. I believe urbanwhaleshark's analysis of these facts is spot on. This person intended to cheat on their partner, and likely has done so before and/or will do so again, which puts the partner at risk.
(I am also curious what the motive of the friend who bought you two all the shots might have been, in particular how aware said friend may have been of the nature of your conversation.)
posted by Gelatin at 6:49 AM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
This person readily admitted cultivating an interest in you, someone other than their partner, and yet seemed pained to admit the relationship was not open. I believe urbanwhaleshark's analysis of these facts is spot on. This person intended to cheat on their partner, and likely has done so before and/or will do so again, which puts the partner at risk.
(I am also curious what the motive of the friend who bought you two all the shots might have been, in particular how aware said friend may have been of the nature of your conversation.)
posted by Gelatin at 6:49 AM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Giving more thought to your dilemma, I agree that a key question is whether the partner would want to know. I wonder if you feel close enough to this person to couch that question as a hypothetical and get cues from that person's response.
posted by Gelatin at 6:50 AM on November 11, 2015
posted by Gelatin at 6:50 AM on November 11, 2015
I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not "should I tell or not tell", it's "should I have anything to do with this person in the future?" And the answer to that is none. None more contact. This person is sketchy as fuck. This person is not a good person for you to be around. This person damaged you significantly and is no longer worthy of your presence.
This person may have done you a solid in "literally freeing you" AND YET be a completely bad person for you. This isn't a paradox, it's understanding that we are different people in different circumstances. If he gets huffy because "you owe him your presence", no, actually, you don't. If he gets sad because "he misses you", OMFG too bad. If his girlfriend wonders why you aren't around any more, you can tell her you're not comfortable around them anymore and leave it at that.
This person wound up on the Couch of Plausible Deniability with you. But he didn't slip on a banana peel, he made a choice. He's pained at having his Feelings, but he dealt with those feelings poorly. Your self care is going to be improved by spending less time in his presence, not more.
And if you're going to tell what happened, tell them both at the same time.
posted by disconnect at 7:15 AM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
This person may have done you a solid in "literally freeing you" AND YET be a completely bad person for you. This isn't a paradox, it's understanding that we are different people in different circumstances. If he gets huffy because "you owe him your presence", no, actually, you don't. If he gets sad because "he misses you", OMFG too bad. If his girlfriend wonders why you aren't around any more, you can tell her you're not comfortable around them anymore and leave it at that.
This person wound up on the Couch of Plausible Deniability with you. But he didn't slip on a banana peel, he made a choice. He's pained at having his Feelings, but he dealt with those feelings poorly. Your self care is going to be improved by spending less time in his presence, not more.
And if you're going to tell what happened, tell them both at the same time.
posted by disconnect at 7:15 AM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Well of course you should tell her. Of course this is partially motivated by your own guilt. That's because you know you messed up and did something wrong that will hurt someone else. Now you want to make it right, because making it right is the right thing to do after making a mistake and part of that is alerting your friend that her spouse has been preying on you.
Just don't expect her to be all grateful or not suffer consequences in your social circle. But still, she deserves to know.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:18 AM on November 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Just don't expect her to be all grateful or not suffer consequences in your social circle. But still, she deserves to know.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:18 AM on November 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
(I mean all this with kindness, as I think given the right situation many people are more vulnerable to cheating than they might like to self-righteously think online.) I wouldn't say anything.
You know you're already in serious red-alert danger of having a whole hog affair with this guy. It sounds like that's something you'd like to avoid. The best way to do that is to not entangle yourself any further with either half of this couple.
posted by superfluousm at 8:31 AM on November 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
You know you're already in serious red-alert danger of having a whole hog affair with this guy. It sounds like that's something you'd like to avoid. The best way to do that is to not entangle yourself any further with either half of this couple.
posted by superfluousm at 8:31 AM on November 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
"Telling her does not equate to an unequivocal good. Not everyone wants to know about a one-time fling that their partner had."
Yes! Exactly! Even if it's not a one time thing, their relationship is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, you are to far up in it already so back off and let them work it out or not. It's not your job to keep other people from making mistakes. You have no way of knowing if this is something he does all the time or just once. Back away and leaving it alone.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:00 PM on November 11, 2015
Yes! Exactly! Even if it's not a one time thing, their relationship is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, you are to far up in it already so back off and let them work it out or not. It's not your job to keep other people from making mistakes. You have no way of knowing if this is something he does all the time or just once. Back away and leaving it alone.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:00 PM on November 11, 2015
I haven't read most of the other answers.
Tell her. PLEASE tell her. I have been cheated on, and to paraphrase a previous commenter, it didn't "shatter" my "trusting relationship". What it did was revealed to me the true nature of my relationship--that it was NOT trusting, not good, and hadn't been good for a long time.
People deserve to know what kind of relationship they're in. Please please tell her.
posted by a strong female character at 3:34 PM on November 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
Tell her. PLEASE tell her. I have been cheated on, and to paraphrase a previous commenter, it didn't "shatter" my "trusting relationship". What it did was revealed to me the true nature of my relationship--that it was NOT trusting, not good, and hadn't been good for a long time.
People deserve to know what kind of relationship they're in. Please please tell her.
posted by a strong female character at 3:34 PM on November 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
As someone who's been cheated on, I would definitely want to know so I could break up, move on, and find someone who wouldn't treat me that way. However, I don't know how I would handle being told by the other woman.
I definitely think she needs to know but I don't know if you should be the person to tell her. I wouldn't be surprised if she already has suspicions.
posted by Nicole21 at 5:08 PM on November 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I definitely think she needs to know but I don't know if you should be the person to tell her. I wouldn't be surprised if she already has suspicions.
posted by Nicole21 at 5:08 PM on November 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Comment deleted. OP, this really really needs to not head in a revenge direction.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 7:18 PM on November 11, 2015
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 7:18 PM on November 11, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Look at your part. Find your own solution. Leave them out of it.
posted by cairnoflore at 1:14 PM on November 10, 2015 [96 favorites]