Nanny share v. Nursery?
November 9, 2015 2:22 PM Subscribe
I'm considering moving my 18 month old from a nursery to a nanny share. Thoughts on what I may not be thinking of?
My daughter started nursery about six weeks ago. It's supposed to be a good one -- we waited over a year for a spot, and it has a very good reputation in the community/with other parents. She goes three days a week. It seems like a generally good place as far as nurseries go, but there are a lot of kids and it seems a bit overstimulating. The workers seem really great, but there are just so many different people there. She's had some trouble settling in, is pretty affectless when we drop her off, and has been getting increasingly irritable at home (potentially lack of sleep? She sleeps half the time there that she does at home.) Still, otherwise a good place, lots of outdoor space, pet bunnies running around freely, lots of art/activities, etc. They report that she's very sociable there, and I see evidence of that when I pick her up.
We had tried her out in a nursery when she was very small (6 months) and didn't like it -- in the end, we cobbled together childcare through part-time nannies and some in-home daycare that is now too far from our new house to go to. And I guess I'm just a bit nervous about nurseries in general.
A woman I know from my birth class just offered me an open space in her nanny share, with two other kids about the same age. Their kids seem great. Price is about the same for the three days a week (are paying the taxes, etc.) Nanny seems great, and they love her. It would be split between our houses. Pros of this would be a smaller, quieter environment, and one on one attention. They tend to go out in the mornings to activities, so there would be some of that kind of stimulation. Sleeping would presumably be easier. The cons would be switching my daughter again just as she seems to be getting more settled (too stressful?) and also it would be establishing a personal employment situation -- what if I wanted to pull out? What if it wasn't working out? Won't I want her to go to nursery at some point anyway and we will have lost this spot? What if the nanny annoys me? What about when we have another child? These details stress me out.
Anyway, I bring it to parents of metafilter. Any thoughts on the pros/cons of nanny share v. nursery for a toddler?
My daughter started nursery about six weeks ago. It's supposed to be a good one -- we waited over a year for a spot, and it has a very good reputation in the community/with other parents. She goes three days a week. It seems like a generally good place as far as nurseries go, but there are a lot of kids and it seems a bit overstimulating. The workers seem really great, but there are just so many different people there. She's had some trouble settling in, is pretty affectless when we drop her off, and has been getting increasingly irritable at home (potentially lack of sleep? She sleeps half the time there that she does at home.) Still, otherwise a good place, lots of outdoor space, pet bunnies running around freely, lots of art/activities, etc. They report that she's very sociable there, and I see evidence of that when I pick her up.
We had tried her out in a nursery when she was very small (6 months) and didn't like it -- in the end, we cobbled together childcare through part-time nannies and some in-home daycare that is now too far from our new house to go to. And I guess I'm just a bit nervous about nurseries in general.
A woman I know from my birth class just offered me an open space in her nanny share, with two other kids about the same age. Their kids seem great. Price is about the same for the three days a week (are paying the taxes, etc.) Nanny seems great, and they love her. It would be split between our houses. Pros of this would be a smaller, quieter environment, and one on one attention. They tend to go out in the mornings to activities, so there would be some of that kind of stimulation. Sleeping would presumably be easier. The cons would be switching my daughter again just as she seems to be getting more settled (too stressful?) and also it would be establishing a personal employment situation -- what if I wanted to pull out? What if it wasn't working out? Won't I want her to go to nursery at some point anyway and we will have lost this spot? What if the nanny annoys me? What about when we have another child? These details stress me out.
Anyway, I bring it to parents of metafilter. Any thoughts on the pros/cons of nanny share v. nursery for a toddler?
One thing to consider: switching between two different sleep schedules makes everything harder. Can you match what you do at home to the schedule at the nursery? It might help a lot.
posted by SMPA at 2:59 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by SMPA at 2:59 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
we did a nanny share with my sister and it worked out pretty well. It actually cost us less than putting them in a center even after paying the appropriate taxes and unemployment to the state.
there are a couple of things we encountered that you might keep in mind if you are going to be doing nanny share.
1. get your tax and payroll stuff figured out way ahead of time. We used our accountant to keep track of payroll stuff (taxes, unemployment, vacation pay etc.) and issued payroll through them, this let us do direct deposit, which was better for everyone involved. I assume that since this sounds like an established nanny share they have this all figured out already, but make sure that it's kosher before you get involved, domestic employee tax stuff is a giant basket of snakes.
2. Life changes unexpectedly, make sure that you know how to negotiate changes to your, and others in the share, and the nanny's needs and limitations before it comes up. managing one households needs and schedules is hard, adding multiple households and your shared employees needs can get thorny really quickly.
3. expectation management. if you are sharing a nanny your needs and expectations for how you want your child handled will be different from other parents. Make sure that your needs are both reasonable and well documented/discussed.
posted by Dr. Twist at 3:09 PM on November 9, 2015
there are a couple of things we encountered that you might keep in mind if you are going to be doing nanny share.
1. get your tax and payroll stuff figured out way ahead of time. We used our accountant to keep track of payroll stuff (taxes, unemployment, vacation pay etc.) and issued payroll through them, this let us do direct deposit, which was better for everyone involved. I assume that since this sounds like an established nanny share they have this all figured out already, but make sure that it's kosher before you get involved, domestic employee tax stuff is a giant basket of snakes.
2. Life changes unexpectedly, make sure that you know how to negotiate changes to your, and others in the share, and the nanny's needs and limitations before it comes up. managing one households needs and schedules is hard, adding multiple households and your shared employees needs can get thorny really quickly.
3. expectation management. if you are sharing a nanny your needs and expectations for how you want your child handled will be different from other parents. Make sure that your needs are both reasonable and well documented/discussed.
posted by Dr. Twist at 3:09 PM on November 9, 2015
From the trenches just a few months ahead of you: I'm starting to see SAHM friends with 2- and 3-year olds worry a bit about what their kids might be missing out on by not being in nursery school or preschool. My SIL actually pulled out of her nanny share when her daughter turned 3 to put my niece in preschool (requiring some cobbled-together aftercare) because she felt like she wasn't getting enough socialization with a nanny and one other same-aged kid.
Our kiddo has been in a center daycare since 6 months old, and for the first year I really had a lot of handwringing about whether we should have gone with a nanny instead--it seemed loud and chaotic when I'd pick him up, I was convinced he wasn't sleeping as well as he could, and I worried that the center was just too much stimulation. However right around 18-19 months I started to feel like a good center daycare had more advantages than a nanny. As he started to talk a bit and his gross motor development really took off, he was able to take advantage of all the activities and really seems to be getting something from learning how to interact with his peers. Your daughter being right at that cusp age is what gives me pause, plus the fact you waited a year to get into this nursery--I'd a bit worried about moving to a nanny share and then 6 months later feeling like a 3-day-per-week nursery/preschool was ideal, but you'd lost your spot.
posted by iminurmefi at 3:59 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Our kiddo has been in a center daycare since 6 months old, and for the first year I really had a lot of handwringing about whether we should have gone with a nanny instead--it seemed loud and chaotic when I'd pick him up, I was convinced he wasn't sleeping as well as he could, and I worried that the center was just too much stimulation. However right around 18-19 months I started to feel like a good center daycare had more advantages than a nanny. As he started to talk a bit and his gross motor development really took off, he was able to take advantage of all the activities and really seems to be getting something from learning how to interact with his peers. Your daughter being right at that cusp age is what gives me pause, plus the fact you waited a year to get into this nursery--I'd a bit worried about moving to a nanny share and then 6 months later feeling like a 3-day-per-week nursery/preschool was ideal, but you'd lost your spot.
posted by iminurmefi at 3:59 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
We loved having a nanny share when our kid was an infant -- it's probably the best way to get a low caregiver ratio, and our nanny wound up far better compensated than she would have been with only one family. The only downside we found was that when the other family decided to stop using the nanny and move their child to a daycare center, we wound up sort of stuck because we could not afford the nanny's rate on our own for the number of hours we needed. We had to scramble for childcare quickly. You are also at the mercy of the nanny: if she has to resign from the job, it can be hard to find a replacement willing to take on that many kids. If nursery spots are hard to come by in your area, it might be better not to disrupt things.
In general, though, I think nanny shares can be a great option for kids under 2 or 3. Just be aware that you may need a backup plan.
posted by xeney at 4:11 PM on November 9, 2015
In general, though, I think nanny shares can be a great option for kids under 2 or 3. Just be aware that you may need a backup plan.
posted by xeney at 4:11 PM on November 9, 2015
I don't know if this is obvious to you, but some questions that occur to me:
- what happens if the nanny gets sick or has to miss a day? At the nursery that is their problem not yours.
- With only one adult in the house, if something serious happens to one child, there is no one available to keep an eye on the rest. I know stay at home parents are in the situation all the time but when all the children are so young, it is a consideration.
- It sounds like all the children are together sharing the nanny. Is that at someone's home or the nanny's house? If it is at someone's home, what happens when that child is sick?
- What happens financially if a family drops out - does the nanny lose income or do the other parents have to cover the extra cost?
posted by metahawk at 4:26 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
- what happens if the nanny gets sick or has to miss a day? At the nursery that is their problem not yours.
- With only one adult in the house, if something serious happens to one child, there is no one available to keep an eye on the rest. I know stay at home parents are in the situation all the time but when all the children are so young, it is a consideration.
- It sounds like all the children are together sharing the nanny. Is that at someone's home or the nanny's house? If it is at someone's home, what happens when that child is sick?
- What happens financially if a family drops out - does the nanny lose income or do the other parents have to cover the extra cost?
posted by metahawk at 4:26 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sometime between 18 and 24 months there has been a very rapid shift in Nanopanda from baby to kid. Over just a few weeks. It's actually astounding how much she's changed all of a sudden. I recall the same happening with Micropanda.
So I agree with those above that you're just about to hit the age where you might be thinking about pulling your kid out of the nanny share. Given how long you waited for your nursery spot, and the numerous potential pitfalls of the multi family share (e.g. What if your kid just doesn't get along with one of the kids in the share?), I'd vote strongly to stick with nursery.
posted by telepanda at 5:32 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
So I agree with those above that you're just about to hit the age where you might be thinking about pulling your kid out of the nanny share. Given how long you waited for your nursery spot, and the numerous potential pitfalls of the multi family share (e.g. What if your kid just doesn't get along with one of the kids in the share?), I'd vote strongly to stick with nursery.
posted by telepanda at 5:32 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Seconding others' important considerations about the nanny share regarding:
- Holidays/vacation/sick days for the nanny: everybody needs time off. What is going to happen if the nanny gets sick for a couple of days or if she goes on holiday? It is very unusual where I am living (UK) for the nanny to arrange for cover, which means that you're stuck with arranging childcare yourself if she gets ill or when she wants to go on holiday.
- Other families dropping out: what do you do if another family drops out? A nanny share is great if you have a stable situation, but if one of the other families has to drop out, this can shake things up considerably. Could you afford her on your own or split between fewer people?
I have seen work colleagues have to deal with both of these situations with their nanny shares, and it has been very stressful for them. As their kids have gotten older, my colleagues seem to have favoured sending their kids to nursery instead.
posted by the_wintry_mizzenmast at 3:02 AM on November 10, 2015
- Holidays/vacation/sick days for the nanny: everybody needs time off. What is going to happen if the nanny gets sick for a couple of days or if she goes on holiday? It is very unusual where I am living (UK) for the nanny to arrange for cover, which means that you're stuck with arranging childcare yourself if she gets ill or when she wants to go on holiday.
- Other families dropping out: what do you do if another family drops out? A nanny share is great if you have a stable situation, but if one of the other families has to drop out, this can shake things up considerably. Could you afford her on your own or split between fewer people?
I have seen work colleagues have to deal with both of these situations with their nanny shares, and it has been very stressful for them. As their kids have gotten older, my colleagues seem to have favoured sending their kids to nursery instead.
posted by the_wintry_mizzenmast at 3:02 AM on November 10, 2015
Try out the nanny share! Some kids don't thrive best in the big group setting, and 18 months - 2 years is a hard time to transition care situations anyway. It is interesting that you describe her as "affectless," because that is exactly how we figured out that the daycare was not working for our 2 year old - he just seemed kind of depressed, not screaming dramatically! Follow your gut.
posted by yarly at 5:02 AM on November 10, 2015
posted by yarly at 5:02 AM on November 10, 2015
Also yes, at 3 or 4 you might want a more formal preschool setting. But that is a whole 18 months from now - twice her life! No need to rush the school/group setting unless you want that.
posted by yarly at 5:05 AM on November 10, 2015
posted by yarly at 5:05 AM on November 10, 2015
How soon is baby two planned? At the day care we used, new siblings had first crack at openings. You might have waited a year for a spot for your first child, but the second would get a spot pretty quickly. If you're planning on have another in the near future, you probably want them both in the same place.
posted by 26.2 at 11:47 AM on November 10, 2015
posted by 26.2 at 11:47 AM on November 10, 2015
We have had a really positive experience with a similar nanny share. But not all are created equal! Some things you may want to consider as you decide:
- Reliability. In over a year, ours has not taken a single sick day. We always get weeks of notice for any vacation or personal days. Can you verify this with the current family?
- Back up care. For the days she does take we can easily get back up. A nanny will take more than just the 5-8 statutory holidays that a daycare will.
- Activities and outdoors time. Can the nanny take them outside to play in an appropriate space? Every day? Will she have to drive the kids? Are you comfortable with that?
- Style. Does your parenting style mesh with the nanny and the other families? We have to really just go with what our nanny does and have almost no room to dictate what we prefer. E.g. we have no control over what our son eats, his activities, how she disciplines the kids, the set-up of the home, etc.
posted by ohio at 12:16 PM on November 10, 2015
- Reliability. In over a year, ours has not taken a single sick day. We always get weeks of notice for any vacation or personal days. Can you verify this with the current family?
- Back up care. For the days she does take we can easily get back up. A nanny will take more than just the 5-8 statutory holidays that a daycare will.
- Activities and outdoors time. Can the nanny take them outside to play in an appropriate space? Every day? Will she have to drive the kids? Are you comfortable with that?
- Style. Does your parenting style mesh with the nanny and the other families? We have to really just go with what our nanny does and have almost no room to dictate what we prefer. E.g. we have no control over what our son eats, his activities, how she disciplines the kids, the set-up of the home, etc.
posted by ohio at 12:16 PM on November 10, 2015
Response by poster: This is all really helpful everyone, thanks! Still not sure what to do, but leaning towards sticking with the nursery for the sake of ease. That said, I really want to see how this week goes and see if she settles in better. Aargh, parenting is so hard!
posted by caoimhe at 8:14 AM on November 11, 2015
posted by caoimhe at 8:14 AM on November 11, 2015
She's had some trouble settling in, is pretty affectless when we drop her off
Would it be possible for you to drop her off one day and then arrange to come back and peek in sometime about an hour later? 18 month olds suck at transitions. I can't even tell you the number of times I've seen a parent drop off a wailing toddler at daycare, leave with a heavy heart and tears in their eyes, and have said toddler be playing happily before the parent was buckled into the car.
Which is not necessarily to say that that's what's happening here, but just to suggest that you might get a far more accurate picture of how happy your daughter is at her nursery once she's settled in for the day. It's best if you can peek in without her seeing you, as toddlers (like electrons) obey the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.*
*Wherein the act of observing changes the behavior
posted by telepanda at 8:25 AM on November 11, 2015
Would it be possible for you to drop her off one day and then arrange to come back and peek in sometime about an hour later? 18 month olds suck at transitions. I can't even tell you the number of times I've seen a parent drop off a wailing toddler at daycare, leave with a heavy heart and tears in their eyes, and have said toddler be playing happily before the parent was buckled into the car.
Which is not necessarily to say that that's what's happening here, but just to suggest that you might get a far more accurate picture of how happy your daughter is at her nursery once she's settled in for the day. It's best if you can peek in without her seeing you, as toddlers (like electrons) obey the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.*
*Wherein the act of observing changes the behavior
posted by telepanda at 8:25 AM on November 11, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
The #1 thing I liked best about the nursery was transparency. There were a lot of adults to back each other up and to ensure that the best care was being given. There was no chance that a teacher who might not be entirely professional would last, because there was a whole community of teachers. There were systems for documentation (when did she last have her diaper changed? When was she last fed? What did she do during the day?) And the teachers supported one another.
I always worried that a single nanny at home has no oversight. I know there are some wonderful nannies out there, but having more than one adult around to back each other up, especially in a multiple child situation, seems like a better arrangement than one nanny on her own.
The #1 drawback was high teacher turnover. Child care for very young children is hard work and it doesn't pay well. We were privileged to have some talented young women care for our child, and we regretted seeing them move on, although we wished them the best and encouraged them to do what was right for them.
There are advantages to having your child stay at home, but we had a great experience at our child care center.
posted by cleverevans at 2:55 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]