Another baby sleep question
November 5, 2015 10:09 PM Subscribe
I have a three-month-old (almost four months) whose sleep, or lack thereof, is baffling and exhausting me. Please help.
I know there are as many baby sleep questions as there are babies, but my three-month-old is an increasingly awful sleeper and we are not sure what is going on or how to fix things. The fundamental problem is that he wakes up twice, sometimes three times a night and won't go back to sleep without either feeding or lots of rocking. He also wakes at the ungodly hour of 5am, often as early as 4:30am. He's been doing this for at least a month or a month and a half now. This is killing me and my sanity.
Details:
* He goes to bed at about 7pm, generally wakes around 11pm and 2:30am for feeds, and then is up sometime between 4:30am and 5:30am. If I don't feed him at 11pm and 2:30am it is very hard to get him to go to sleep, and if he does go to sleep he will not stay asleep for more than ten minutes. Generally there is another wakeup at around 12am-1am which he will go back to sleep for, but only after getting rocked for a while.
*The baby in question used to be very, very good at putting himself to sleep. Like, starting from when he was about five weeks old, we were able to place him in his crib awake, with no preparation, and he would obediently nod off. Over the last 4-6 weeks, and with increasing frequency, he seems to have lost this ability, especially in the middle of the night. Is still pretty good at it during the day, but even that seems to be getting a little worse.
* Starting at about six weeks, he was only waking once in the night (at about 1am) and sleeping until about 5:30am. That only lasted a couple of weeks and has slowly gotten worse until we are in the state we are in now.
* He started daycare about a month ago and goes three days a week. The sleep problems have definitely gotten worse since he started but were starting to get bad before that so I don't know what role it has played. He sleeps better on nights after he's been at daycare, but possibly that is just because he's so tired.
* I am somewhat worried that part of the problem may be that he's not getting enough food. He used to be at the 50th percentile for both weight and height and is now at 50th for height but only about 25th for weight. In keeping with that, we recently started supplementing his breastfeeds with formula beforehand. He seems to be consuming more, and moved him from three feeds per night (which he was at for a horrific week in there) to two, but this has not really had a huge effect on his sleeping patterns besides that. I am feeding him about once every 3-4 hours (naps permitting[*]) per day, and try to do a huge feed shortly before he goes down at night. Now that we have the formula he always drinks until he is satiated.
* Since about 6-8 weeks of age he has been fairly consistently having three naps a day when he's at home: one large one from 7am until 9-10am, another from noonish to 2:30ish, and a small one (less than an hour) late in the evening. In daycare he can't sleep as long and it is much more inconsistent, generally speaking with more naps that are shorter.
* We started off co-sleeping, and I sleep in the same room, but he seems to sleep at least as well in his own crib. I will co-sleep sometimes if it seems to help him stay down, but most nights it doesn't and he ends up spending the whole time in his crib.
* The regression in sleeping abilities has not been paralleled by a regression in other ways. He is disconcertingly "ahead" in most ways (e.g., already scared of strangers, learned very early to grab things and put them in his mouth) and is super active - he even sits on his own, unsupported, for brief periods, and spends most of his time standing supported by us or propped against things. So I'm not concerned that he's got something wrong with him (except maybe not eating enough?) but I don't know why his sleeping has gotten so much worse.
* We considered the idea that maybe he is sick or in pain (maybe teeth, or an earache or something like that). However, giving him tylenol doesn't change his sleeping at all, and he is in general a super-happy little kid who doesn't appear to be in pain.
Any ideas? Again, I know this is an art, but I could use any suggestions you have.
I know there are as many baby sleep questions as there are babies, but my three-month-old is an increasingly awful sleeper and we are not sure what is going on or how to fix things. The fundamental problem is that he wakes up twice, sometimes three times a night and won't go back to sleep without either feeding or lots of rocking. He also wakes at the ungodly hour of 5am, often as early as 4:30am. He's been doing this for at least a month or a month and a half now. This is killing me and my sanity.
Details:
* He goes to bed at about 7pm, generally wakes around 11pm and 2:30am for feeds, and then is up sometime between 4:30am and 5:30am. If I don't feed him at 11pm and 2:30am it is very hard to get him to go to sleep, and if he does go to sleep he will not stay asleep for more than ten minutes. Generally there is another wakeup at around 12am-1am which he will go back to sleep for, but only after getting rocked for a while.
*The baby in question used to be very, very good at putting himself to sleep. Like, starting from when he was about five weeks old, we were able to place him in his crib awake, with no preparation, and he would obediently nod off. Over the last 4-6 weeks, and with increasing frequency, he seems to have lost this ability, especially in the middle of the night. Is still pretty good at it during the day, but even that seems to be getting a little worse.
* Starting at about six weeks, he was only waking once in the night (at about 1am) and sleeping until about 5:30am. That only lasted a couple of weeks and has slowly gotten worse until we are in the state we are in now.
* He started daycare about a month ago and goes three days a week. The sleep problems have definitely gotten worse since he started but were starting to get bad before that so I don't know what role it has played. He sleeps better on nights after he's been at daycare, but possibly that is just because he's so tired.
* I am somewhat worried that part of the problem may be that he's not getting enough food. He used to be at the 50th percentile for both weight and height and is now at 50th for height but only about 25th for weight. In keeping with that, we recently started supplementing his breastfeeds with formula beforehand. He seems to be consuming more, and moved him from three feeds per night (which he was at for a horrific week in there) to two, but this has not really had a huge effect on his sleeping patterns besides that. I am feeding him about once every 3-4 hours (naps permitting[*]) per day, and try to do a huge feed shortly before he goes down at night. Now that we have the formula he always drinks until he is satiated.
* Since about 6-8 weeks of age he has been fairly consistently having three naps a day when he's at home: one large one from 7am until 9-10am, another from noonish to 2:30ish, and a small one (less than an hour) late in the evening. In daycare he can't sleep as long and it is much more inconsistent, generally speaking with more naps that are shorter.
* We started off co-sleeping, and I sleep in the same room, but he seems to sleep at least as well in his own crib. I will co-sleep sometimes if it seems to help him stay down, but most nights it doesn't and he ends up spending the whole time in his crib.
* The regression in sleeping abilities has not been paralleled by a regression in other ways. He is disconcertingly "ahead" in most ways (e.g., already scared of strangers, learned very early to grab things and put them in his mouth) and is super active - he even sits on his own, unsupported, for brief periods, and spends most of his time standing supported by us or propped against things. So I'm not concerned that he's got something wrong with him (except maybe not eating enough?) but I don't know why his sleeping has gotten so much worse.
* We considered the idea that maybe he is sick or in pain (maybe teeth, or an earache or something like that). However, giving him tylenol doesn't change his sleeping at all, and he is in general a super-happy little kid who doesn't appear to be in pain.
Any ideas? Again, I know this is an art, but I could use any suggestions you have.
Maybe a growth spurt? Are you actually trying to wean him off breastmilk? Because if it is a growth spurt he may be trying to stimulate more milk production by feeding more and possibly you're hampering that by supplementing with formula... Personally I'd give him formula after breast.. But that doesn't help your sleep. To me though this just sounds normal but I had a high needs baby who wouldn't sleep in a crib from the day he was born. Safe bed sharing saved my sanity.
posted by KateViolet at 10:16 PM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by KateViolet at 10:16 PM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can't help you solve your problem, but we have taught our 4 month old not to expect to get out of bed early by starting a cue. It works by my (when its about 7) getting excited and I say loudly "Goodmorning Baby Catspajammies! Did you have nice dreams!?" In a quiet and growing louder voice. He knows that unless I am talking that way, its not get up time. Early morning wake ups were kind of my hill to die on and our house doesn't "wake up" until just about 7am.
We have also started getting him attached to a lovey and that is helping a lot (a little security toy)
posted by catspajammies at 10:20 PM on November 5, 2015
We have also started getting him attached to a lovey and that is helping a lot (a little security toy)
posted by catspajammies at 10:20 PM on November 5, 2015
Honestly, 2/3 feeds a night at 3 months is well within the realm of normal. Not all babies need that but plenty do. If he wakes up and won't go back to sleep until he's fed, it is entirely possible he's just hungry.
posted by Catseye at 10:38 PM on November 5, 2015 [43 favorites]
posted by Catseye at 10:38 PM on November 5, 2015 [43 favorites]
I wouldn't assume anything about your 4 month old based on how he was before. Babies change so much.
Is it possible to go back to cosleeping and feed on demand? It seems like that might help a bit for what both of you need.
But his sleeping patterns sound like every other 3-4 month old I've ever known. And this too shall pass. Try to to sleep in the 7-11 stretch so you're catching up on sleep.
posted by k8t at 10:40 PM on November 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Is it possible to go back to cosleeping and feed on demand? It seems like that might help a bit for what both of you need.
But his sleeping patterns sound like every other 3-4 month old I've ever known. And this too shall pass. Try to to sleep in the 7-11 stretch so you're catching up on sleep.
posted by k8t at 10:40 PM on November 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just to reiterate what others are saying -- I have two kids who were both once 4 months old, and this sounds very very familiar to both my wife and me. You're just kind of in the shit right now. It sucks, but know that it will eventually get better, like when he's 22.
posted by incessant at 10:45 PM on November 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by incessant at 10:45 PM on November 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's frustrating, but in my experience baby sleep is not a linear thing that they "learn" to do and then the skill is mastered. There are so many things that can and will disrupt sleep: growth spurt, developmental leaps, teething, sickness, nap timing, dropping a nap, etc. etc. etc. At 3 months (for both my kids) I was still very much in survival mode, feeding a million times a night, being a zombie in the day! Hang in there.
posted by rozee at 10:46 PM on November 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by rozee at 10:46 PM on November 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
Oh our baby's sleep improved a lot when he started solids, he has now about 3 (dry) heaped teaspoons of semolina with his dinner milk.....
Then he has a nice bath with a bath hammock and twinkle lights before we put him in baby Merlin sleep suit (not sure how well that works but it's another cue....
posted by flink at 11:05 PM on November 5, 2015
Then he has a nice bath with a bath hammock and twinkle lights before we put him in baby Merlin sleep suit (not sure how well that works but it's another cue....
posted by flink at 11:05 PM on November 5, 2015
This is my situation sort of - except he won't nap well during the day and sometimes is up every hour on the hour at night. You read that right. The books say your baby should only wake up once during the night at 3 months and THE BOOKS LIE. Fwiw my kid was a great sleeper until 6 weeks and then realized there's more interesting things to do than sleep and now needs a lot of coaxing and a good routine.
Some ideas
- do away with the late evening nap
- bring baby to bed with you at 430am and snuggle sleep until 7am
- is baby physically comfortable? My kid is a side/stomach sleeper which is not recommended but health professionals have whispered to me off the record to try it (but in my case he has stomach troubles too)
- how dark are the shades in the room?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:29 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some ideas
- do away with the late evening nap
- bring baby to bed with you at 430am and snuggle sleep until 7am
- is baby physically comfortable? My kid is a side/stomach sleeper which is not recommended but health professionals have whispered to me off the record to try it (but in my case he has stomach troubles too)
- how dark are the shades in the room?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:29 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
This sounds completely normal to me, including the "but he was such a good sleeper before!" confusion.
My solution was cosleeping and breastfeeding on demand. Like, whenever she made a sound, out came the boob. (Some nights I'd basically sleep with my boob in her mouth.)
Also, we parents sometimes did shift sleeping, so one would lie down at 8pm and then rise with the baby at five am.
If you're worried about creating bad sleep habits like that, don't. This will all change radically and repeatedly in the next few months.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:43 AM on November 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
My solution was cosleeping and breastfeeding on demand. Like, whenever she made a sound, out came the boob. (Some nights I'd basically sleep with my boob in her mouth.)
Also, we parents sometimes did shift sleeping, so one would lie down at 8pm and then rise with the baby at five am.
If you're worried about creating bad sleep habits like that, don't. This will all change radically and repeatedly in the next few months.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:43 AM on November 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Hm. I'm starting to think we were misled by the books and spoiled by his older brother, who was sleeping easily six hours at a stretch by this point. Damn. More ideas for pushing things around will be welcome, but it looks like the consensus is that we just have to suck it up. It also sounds like it could be worse (omg St. Peepsburg!) so maybe I should count my blessings.
Unfortunately kid is so active / stimulation seeking that he will not snuggle sleep when he wakes up in the morning. We used to do that, now if I'm not out of the room by half an hour after wake-up there is increasing wailing, and I dare not risk waking my other kid.
FWIW, I would totally feed him formula after breastmilk but he dislikes formula and will only drink it if very thirsty, i.e., at the beginning of the feed. I'm pumping to maintain my supply if it seems he's not been drinking much from the boob. I recognise this is a dangerous tactic but I spent about a month not supplementing, during which sleep got worse and worse and his daytime feeds ever-more frequent with little subsequent increase in supply. Apparently sleep debt and illness (all of which I've had a lot of lately) hurts supply too. So, fuck it, we'll supplement.
posted by forza at 1:44 AM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Unfortunately kid is so active / stimulation seeking that he will not snuggle sleep when he wakes up in the morning. We used to do that, now if I'm not out of the room by half an hour after wake-up there is increasing wailing, and I dare not risk waking my other kid.
FWIW, I would totally feed him formula after breastmilk but he dislikes formula and will only drink it if very thirsty, i.e., at the beginning of the feed. I'm pumping to maintain my supply if it seems he's not been drinking much from the boob. I recognise this is a dangerous tactic but I spent about a month not supplementing, during which sleep got worse and worse and his daytime feeds ever-more frequent with little subsequent increase in supply. Apparently sleep debt and illness (all of which I've had a lot of lately) hurts supply too. So, fuck it, we'll supplement.
posted by forza at 1:44 AM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm really sorry but I read your question and thought, wow, baby forza is an amazing sleeper, my best friend would have been thrilled to get so much sleep. That doesn't help you except maybe another anecdote that this is totally within the realm of normal for babies. I keep telling my friend that this too shall pass and once day bub will be a excessively sleeping teenager.....
posted by kitten magic at 1:50 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kitten magic at 1:50 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't try to make too much sense of babies and sleep. Sometimes they sleep all night and sometimes they scream all night. Just find strategies to make yourself happier.
One strategy, if the kid sleeps separately and you live with a partner and the kid can be fed by bottle, is to take turns. "Tonight is my night to sleep all night and your night to get up as needed. Tomorrow, we switch." You do the odd days. Your partner does the even days. If you wake up first when it's not your turn, you wake up your partner and then go back to sleep. Any problems that occur while you're off duty are your partner's problems to solve.
posted by pracowity at 2:11 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
One strategy, if the kid sleeps separately and you live with a partner and the kid can be fed by bottle, is to take turns. "Tonight is my night to sleep all night and your night to get up as needed. Tomorrow, we switch." You do the odd days. Your partner does the even days. If you wake up first when it's not your turn, you wake up your partner and then go back to sleep. Any problems that occur while you're off duty are your partner's problems to solve.
posted by pracowity at 2:11 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sounds totally within the bounds of normality to me too I’m afraid! Certainly closer to our experience with both our children when they were tiny. Those early morning wakeups were killer - we used to just alternate which of us would wake up with the baby & take them downstairs so that at least one of us could sleep in a bit. (Being a parent brought new respect for single parents frankly. Raising a child by yourself is more than twice as hard as when there’s two of you IMO.)
I know the LLL-crowd are not keen on formula supplementation because milk production is demand led - supplementation with formula can lead to a cycle of less milk production -> hungry baby -> more formula -> less milk production. If he went through a period where his daytime feeds got ever more frequent that kind of implies that he didn’t feel he was getting enough & the extra feeds should have stimulated more milk production in response. Maybe try going for a period of just feeding as much as possible to redress the balance & fill him up? Make sure you’re eating enough too of course.
Another thought: is it possible that as the baby has grown his latch on to the breast has become ineffective - might be worth asking your health visitor to take a look if you have one?
Keep repeating the mantra “this too shall pass”. Sleep deprivation is the truly draining thing about parenting tiny ones IME :(
posted by pharm at 2:11 AM on November 6, 2015
I know the LLL-crowd are not keen on formula supplementation because milk production is demand led - supplementation with formula can lead to a cycle of less milk production -> hungry baby -> more formula -> less milk production. If he went through a period where his daytime feeds got ever more frequent that kind of implies that he didn’t feel he was getting enough & the extra feeds should have stimulated more milk production in response. Maybe try going for a period of just feeding as much as possible to redress the balance & fill him up? Make sure you’re eating enough too of course.
Another thought: is it possible that as the baby has grown his latch on to the breast has become ineffective - might be worth asking your health visitor to take a look if you have one?
Keep repeating the mantra “this too shall pass”. Sleep deprivation is the truly draining thing about parenting tiny ones IME :(
posted by pharm at 2:11 AM on November 6, 2015
It probably won't be much comfort to you, but my son, about which I wrote this question, was extremely similar in temperament. At 20 weeks, I noted in his baby book (checked, just so I'm not totally relying on memory here) that he sat up unassisted for several minutes at a time, rolled easily (and during EVERY diaper change), put things in his mouth with alarming skill, and FREAKED OUT when Grandma's friends came over for a lunch and wanted to interact with him - as soon as they got in his face he started to cry. So yes! Your baby sounds like mine, except that mine was waking 5-10 times per night, and it was more like 10 as he got older, i.e. he did not sleep more than 1 40-minute sleep cycle at a time. And he woke up for the day around 4:45-5:15 for his first year. To be perfectly honest, I was really surprised to hear that you consider your baby a bad sleeper. If mine had woken up twice per night at that age I would have been over the moon. Waking twice per night is BIOLOGICALLY NORMAL at your baby's age and absolutely nothing is unusual or wrong about it. However, I do not discount your exhaustion. It is real, I'm sure.
However, due to the similarities between your baby and mine, allow me to theorize a little bit. If you read my question about him, you'll see that my son "never slept well", but that's actually only 99% true. Like your baby, he was actually very good at putting himself to sleep starting around 5-6 weeks. We had a 2- or 3-week golden period (5-7 weeks) when we'd put him down, he'd go to sleep, wake up twice to eat in the night but go right back to sleep, and sleep until 6:00 or so. Unfortunately, that was the absolute best sleep we got out of him until, around 8 months, we put him down whether he was awake or asleep and then stayed next to him saying soothing things until he was asleep. That reduced our sleep problems by like 90%, down to 1 peaceful waking per night.
I'm wading out into murky water here since I'll never know for certain one way or another, but I *feel* very confident that the reason my son slept so incredibly poorly was because he had learned that what you do when you wake up is cry, then nurse until you fall back asleep. I know this is usually called a sleep association, but for him I think it was a bit different. I think he actually thought he was SUPPOSED to do these things, as in, he thought we expected that behavior of him. Or at the very least, he thought that waking, crying, and nursing was "how it was done". He was very bright, very early with all the milestones. And he was never cuddly - even as a 2-day-old newborn he insisted on being held upright, so he could look over one's shoulder. He hated being snuggled up such that he couldn't move properly or see the world. He gave us abundant signals that he didn't want to snuggle all night either, he just wanted to SLEEP, he just thought that he was doing what he was supposed to do. When we changed things for him, by showing him that could and should fall asleep on his own, he was SO MUCH HAPPIER within like 2-3 days. He only cried for 15 minutes, and from his cries I knew he wasn't scared - I was right next to him. To me, this strongly suggested that we weren't depriving him of some deep need, we were helping him change a pattern that was incredibly destructive for all of us. And we never relapsed, ever. We didn't have to "reinforce" the training. After this, his sleep had occasional ups and downs (and coming into our bed whenever he needed, which also didn't mess things up) but never again did he have real trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, no matter the environment (hotels, pack'n'play, etc.) even through illness. And his sleep finally got GOOD when he was 18 months old.
So - consider the theory that your bright baby may actually think that he is doing what he is supposed to. (EDITED TO ADD: I would take this view only with extreme caution since almost all babies that age actually do need to wake up twice a night.) I'm not sure where that idea would lead you with your particular baby, but maybe it'll be an interesting angle to check out.
My son didn't stop waking up absurdly early until he was 18 months old, which is also when he started to sleep through the night for the first time. So it absolutely can take a while for a child to reach that point.
posted by Cygnet at 2:48 AM on November 6, 2015
However, due to the similarities between your baby and mine, allow me to theorize a little bit. If you read my question about him, you'll see that my son "never slept well", but that's actually only 99% true. Like your baby, he was actually very good at putting himself to sleep starting around 5-6 weeks. We had a 2- or 3-week golden period (5-7 weeks) when we'd put him down, he'd go to sleep, wake up twice to eat in the night but go right back to sleep, and sleep until 6:00 or so. Unfortunately, that was the absolute best sleep we got out of him until, around 8 months, we put him down whether he was awake or asleep and then stayed next to him saying soothing things until he was asleep. That reduced our sleep problems by like 90%, down to 1 peaceful waking per night.
I'm wading out into murky water here since I'll never know for certain one way or another, but I *feel* very confident that the reason my son slept so incredibly poorly was because he had learned that what you do when you wake up is cry, then nurse until you fall back asleep. I know this is usually called a sleep association, but for him I think it was a bit different. I think he actually thought he was SUPPOSED to do these things, as in, he thought we expected that behavior of him. Or at the very least, he thought that waking, crying, and nursing was "how it was done". He was very bright, very early with all the milestones. And he was never cuddly - even as a 2-day-old newborn he insisted on being held upright, so he could look over one's shoulder. He hated being snuggled up such that he couldn't move properly or see the world. He gave us abundant signals that he didn't want to snuggle all night either, he just wanted to SLEEP, he just thought that he was doing what he was supposed to do. When we changed things for him, by showing him that could and should fall asleep on his own, he was SO MUCH HAPPIER within like 2-3 days. He only cried for 15 minutes, and from his cries I knew he wasn't scared - I was right next to him. To me, this strongly suggested that we weren't depriving him of some deep need, we were helping him change a pattern that was incredibly destructive for all of us. And we never relapsed, ever. We didn't have to "reinforce" the training. After this, his sleep had occasional ups and downs (and coming into our bed whenever he needed, which also didn't mess things up) but never again did he have real trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, no matter the environment (hotels, pack'n'play, etc.) even through illness. And his sleep finally got GOOD when he was 18 months old.
So - consider the theory that your bright baby may actually think that he is doing what he is supposed to. (EDITED TO ADD: I would take this view only with extreme caution since almost all babies that age actually do need to wake up twice a night.) I'm not sure where that idea would lead you with your particular baby, but maybe it'll be an interesting angle to check out.
My son didn't stop waking up absurdly early until he was 18 months old, which is also when he started to sleep through the night for the first time. So it absolutely can take a while for a child to reach that point.
posted by Cygnet at 2:48 AM on November 6, 2015
I think another way in which the books are not 100% helpful on this is that lots of them give the impression baby sleep is generally linear - they start off terrible, get better and better, and then start sleeping through the night. This is undoubtedly the case for some babies, but others, hell no. My daughter's sleep went like this:
- 0-1 week - awake most of the night, feed feed feed
- 1-13 weeks - slept longer and longer chunks, up to 9/10 hours
- 13-16 weeks - woke every 45 minutes all night (this is when we started cosleeping, otherwise I think I would actually have died)
- 16-20 weeks - woke 4-ish times a night
- 20-24 weeks - woke once or twice a night
- 6-7 months - woke every hour
- 7-9 months - woke once or twice a night
- 9-10 months - woke every hour with bonus 2-hour 2am FUN PLAYTIME WOO!
- 10-13 months - woke once or twice a night
- 13-14 months - also woke every hour with bonus 2-hour 2am FUN PLAYTIME WOO!
- 14-17 months - woke once or twice a night
- 17-18 months - awake every hour with bonus 2-hour 2am playtime once again, oh the joy
- 18-19 months (present) - wakes once or twice a night
So I am convinced that whatever you do during a bad sleeping phase, they will change it up in a couple of months anyway, and I am dubious of narratives around baby sleep that identify changing sleep patterns as "the baby has developed a fault and must be fixed" rather than "well this is exhausting for all of us, how can we best get through it" (and getting through it can involve actively working on the baby's sleep if that works for all of you! - I'm just saying, don't put too much pressure on yourself as having a parental duty to make your baby's sleep progress in a linear fashion, just focus on what all of you as a family need).
What worked for us was the aforementioned cosleeping (although it sounds like your baby is less amenable to that? In our case it didn't really affect the number of times she woke, but improved the amount of sleep I got because I could pat/cuddle/feed her back to sleep without having to get up or fully wake up), plus me and husband taking shifts with her, so we knew we would be guaranteed at least X hours of sleep while the other one dealt with the baby.
posted by Catseye at 3:29 AM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
- 0-1 week - awake most of the night, feed feed feed
- 1-13 weeks - slept longer and longer chunks, up to 9/10 hours
- 13-16 weeks - woke every 45 minutes all night (this is when we started cosleeping, otherwise I think I would actually have died)
- 16-20 weeks - woke 4-ish times a night
- 20-24 weeks - woke once or twice a night
- 6-7 months - woke every hour
- 7-9 months - woke once or twice a night
- 9-10 months - woke every hour with bonus 2-hour 2am FUN PLAYTIME WOO!
- 10-13 months - woke once or twice a night
- 13-14 months - also woke every hour with bonus 2-hour 2am FUN PLAYTIME WOO!
- 14-17 months - woke once or twice a night
- 17-18 months - awake every hour with bonus 2-hour 2am playtime once again, oh the joy
- 18-19 months (present) - wakes once or twice a night
So I am convinced that whatever you do during a bad sleeping phase, they will change it up in a couple of months anyway, and I am dubious of narratives around baby sleep that identify changing sleep patterns as "the baby has developed a fault and must be fixed" rather than "well this is exhausting for all of us, how can we best get through it" (and getting through it can involve actively working on the baby's sleep if that works for all of you! - I'm just saying, don't put too much pressure on yourself as having a parental duty to make your baby's sleep progress in a linear fashion, just focus on what all of you as a family need).
What worked for us was the aforementioned cosleeping (although it sounds like your baby is less amenable to that? In our case it didn't really affect the number of times she woke, but improved the amount of sleep I got because I could pat/cuddle/feed her back to sleep without having to get up or fully wake up), plus me and husband taking shifts with her, so we knew we would be guaranteed at least X hours of sleep while the other one dealt with the baby.
posted by Catseye at 3:29 AM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
If supplementing with formula helps keep your little guy satisfied and sleeping well, do it with no guilt or shame. There's so much breastfeeding propaganda that's like "if you supplement even once your milk supply will go into a death spiral and your baby will grow up fat and never get into Harvard, besides everyone can produce enough milk and you're just not trying hard enough" and oh my god fuck all of that. Formula is totally fine! Your priorities, right now, are to keep the baby fed and to keep yourself sane.
Our baby slept a lot better when we started giving him a bigass tank of formula before bedtime. I continued to breastfeed (in some capacity, at least) until about a week before his first birthday. It was absolutely the right thing for us to do. If you think it might work for your little one, do it.
Good luck. You're still kind of in the shitty early phase, but it will get better.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:33 AM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Our baby slept a lot better when we started giving him a bigass tank of formula before bedtime. I continued to breastfeed (in some capacity, at least) until about a week before his first birthday. It was absolutely the right thing for us to do. If you think it might work for your little one, do it.
Good luck. You're still kind of in the shitty early phase, but it will get better.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:33 AM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nthing the "nothing unusual" comments. Our first kid did everything by the book sleep-wise. The second did not have a regular sleeping routine before he was 1 year old, did happy somersaults on his bed at ungodly hours, played with his toys in the dark etc. At 3 he still occasionally wakes up way too early and asks for milk. Not much solution except taking shifts to prevent parental exhaustion, and wait until the problem fixes itself.
posted by elgilito at 4:11 AM on November 6, 2015
posted by elgilito at 4:11 AM on November 6, 2015
My kid is now a great sleeper and took to post 6 months old sleep training like a duck to water, but even for him 3-6 months just sucked so bad. There's a noted sleep regression right around 4 months, give or take a couple weeks, and even previously great sleepers will turn into unsleepers.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:16 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:16 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Another thought is to cut out caffeine since it makes its way into breast milk and young babies can take days to metabolize it. Not a silver bullet but desperate times...
One other thing I've heard of but never tried is the breast milk protein shake - mix powdered formula in breast milk. To really fill him up.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:31 AM on November 6, 2015
One other thing I've heard of but never tried is the breast milk protein shake - mix powdered formula in breast milk. To really fill him up.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:31 AM on November 6, 2015
Sounds like reverse cycling.
How are his feeds at daycare looking?
Good luck mama (mom of a 6-month-old here)!
posted by xiaolongbao at 5:36 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
How are his feeds at daycare looking?
Good luck mama (mom of a 6-month-old here)!
posted by xiaolongbao at 5:36 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh and how about temperature? It's getting cold outside and if the insulation isn't great the room could be too cool. We bought a sleep sack to keep our kid cozy at night. Its sort of helped - it's never one solution but many small ones.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:01 AM on November 6, 2015
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:01 AM on November 6, 2015
Your baby's frequency of awakenings sound really typical to me. As brutal as not sleeping well is I suggest not giving this particular issue too much brain space in an attempt to "fix" it. My personal philosophy on baby feeding/sleeping has always been not to stress too much about it. Babies are constantly changing their patterns and how a 4 month old behaves will be completely different within a month or two. In other words, this too shall pass.
posted by teamnap at 6:06 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by teamnap at 6:06 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am so sorry to say this, but that sounds perfectly normal. It might change tomorrow, in a week, or when he's a toddler. Babies are little bastards about sleep and consistency.
I would make it as easy on yourself as possible: it's the only thing you can control. Use that 7-11pm block to sleep (alas, I know!). Go to all formula for one or more of the night feeds so your partner can feed him. Don't expect linear progress, you'll be disappointed.
posted by lydhre at 6:28 AM on November 6, 2015
I would make it as easy on yourself as possible: it's the only thing you can control. Use that 7-11pm block to sleep (alas, I know!). Go to all formula for one or more of the night feeds so your partner can feed him. Don't expect linear progress, you'll be disappointed.
posted by lydhre at 6:28 AM on November 6, 2015
That sounds normal. However, I noticed you said he naps less at daycare and sleeps better those nights. It seems like he takes too many/too long naps on the days he's home. Try shorter and/or fewer naps.
posted by amro at 7:05 AM on November 6, 2015
posted by amro at 7:05 AM on November 6, 2015
One other thing I've heard of but never tried is the breast milk protein shake - mix powdered formula in breast milk. To really fill him up.
Please do not do this unless your pediatrician directs you to do so. Formula should only be mixed with water unless your doctor tells you otherwise.
Also, agreed with everyone else that this sounds pretty normal. Also, there's this thing called the "four month sleep regression" that can actually happen before (or after) four months of age. This regression isn't really a regression, per se; instead, it's the time when your baby's circadian rhythm begins to mature. Before this point, your baby could probably sleep almost anywhere and not be all that disturbed by light or noise. But as the baby's circadian rhythm matures, that changes, and you'll need to be more aware of his sleep cycles, particularly the timing. Try to keep his wake and sleep times within a half hour of the same time every day (e.g., if bedtime is 7 pm, shoot for getting him down between 6:45 and 7:15 each night); try to make sure he's not going too long between naps (at this age, probably no more than 2.5 hours); and try to make his sleep environment as conducive to sleep as possible (cool, dark, maybe white noise). That's about all you can do.
As for the feeding, I wouldn't worry about a nursing-sleep association right now. I also wouldn't necessarily assume the wake ups are because of hunger -- for a physically active breastfed baby, it's not uncommon to slip down the percentiles. When my (similarly active) baby had a similar weight gain pattern (and started to take good feeds only in the middle of the night), I started offering the breast, no kidding, every two hours during the day. It helped, a little, in that I did not worry that he was actually hungry at night. It did not, unfortunately, make him sleep more than a 5 or 6 hour stretch. Alas. That only came with time and, I am sad to say, we still (at 8.5 months) have weeks where he'll be up three times a night. They are balanced out by weeks where he will regularly sleep a 10 hour stretch, though. You take the good, you take the bad.
Finally, as with many things with small babies, once you've done what you can to encourage good sleep habits, all you can do is repeat the parents' mantra, "This too shall pass."
posted by devinemissk at 7:35 AM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Please do not do this unless your pediatrician directs you to do so. Formula should only be mixed with water unless your doctor tells you otherwise.
Also, agreed with everyone else that this sounds pretty normal. Also, there's this thing called the "four month sleep regression" that can actually happen before (or after) four months of age. This regression isn't really a regression, per se; instead, it's the time when your baby's circadian rhythm begins to mature. Before this point, your baby could probably sleep almost anywhere and not be all that disturbed by light or noise. But as the baby's circadian rhythm matures, that changes, and you'll need to be more aware of his sleep cycles, particularly the timing. Try to keep his wake and sleep times within a half hour of the same time every day (e.g., if bedtime is 7 pm, shoot for getting him down between 6:45 and 7:15 each night); try to make sure he's not going too long between naps (at this age, probably no more than 2.5 hours); and try to make his sleep environment as conducive to sleep as possible (cool, dark, maybe white noise). That's about all you can do.
As for the feeding, I wouldn't worry about a nursing-sleep association right now. I also wouldn't necessarily assume the wake ups are because of hunger -- for a physically active breastfed baby, it's not uncommon to slip down the percentiles. When my (similarly active) baby had a similar weight gain pattern (and started to take good feeds only in the middle of the night), I started offering the breast, no kidding, every two hours during the day. It helped, a little, in that I did not worry that he was actually hungry at night. It did not, unfortunately, make him sleep more than a 5 or 6 hour stretch. Alas. That only came with time and, I am sad to say, we still (at 8.5 months) have weeks where he'll be up three times a night. They are balanced out by weeks where he will regularly sleep a 10 hour stretch, though. You take the good, you take the bad.
Finally, as with many things with small babies, once you've done what you can to encourage good sleep habits, all you can do is repeat the parents' mantra, "This too shall pass."
posted by devinemissk at 7:35 AM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm starting to think we were misled by the books and spoiled by his older brother, who was sleeping easily six hours at a stretch by this point
Yeah the pattern you described to start your question is what I think of as Normal. My daughter didn't start regular sleep until she was entirely weened around 18 months. And we diligently followed many suggestions and programs with no real impact.
posted by French Fry at 8:07 AM on November 6, 2015
Yeah the pattern you described to start your question is what I think of as Normal. My daughter didn't start regular sleep until she was entirely weened around 18 months. And we diligently followed many suggestions and programs with no real impact.
posted by French Fry at 8:07 AM on November 6, 2015
I am a few months ahead of you here and while this might seem like a pattern, don't worry, you will have better (and sadly much worse) nights ahead of you.
We had 3 hour wakeup cycles at 3 mo then 12 perfect nights of 9-10 hour sleep spans. You should have seen how cocky I was in those good 2 weeks. Oh I thought that my twins had learned sleeping and would just be good. I read about other moms online having sleep probs and felt so good about being over that stage. So naive.
Then back to 2 wakeups, then 4 wakeups, then 1, and now last night I was up with them every 5 min from 3:30am.
I keep having to remind myself that THIS IS NOT FOREVER, nor is it a pattern, nor is it an evolution.
If you think of them getting older and learning to sleep better, that is just not correct. It's a weird non-linear thing that is pretty much going to be in constant flux for a while.
This week does not predict next week, there is no gradual improvement. The more I read about it and hear people's experiences, the more I understand that sleeping is just an unpredictable shitshow and not to trust that your kid has the hang of it or will never get the hang of it.
posted by rmless at 10:23 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
We had 3 hour wakeup cycles at 3 mo then 12 perfect nights of 9-10 hour sleep spans. You should have seen how cocky I was in those good 2 weeks. Oh I thought that my twins had learned sleeping and would just be good. I read about other moms online having sleep probs and felt so good about being over that stage. So naive.
Then back to 2 wakeups, then 4 wakeups, then 1, and now last night I was up with them every 5 min from 3:30am.
I keep having to remind myself that THIS IS NOT FOREVER, nor is it a pattern, nor is it an evolution.
If you think of them getting older and learning to sleep better, that is just not correct. It's a weird non-linear thing that is pretty much going to be in constant flux for a while.
This week does not predict next week, there is no gradual improvement. The more I read about it and hear people's experiences, the more I understand that sleeping is just an unpredictable shitshow and not to trust that your kid has the hang of it or will never get the hang of it.
posted by rmless at 10:23 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
This sounds like my daughter, who's around 4 months old, although most days she will sleep in until 7am. How are you dressing your baby for bedtime? My baby was keeping herself awake with rolling in her crib, so I broke down and got her a Baby Merlin's Magic Sleepsuit. She goes to sleep easily and sleeps for longer stretches, but still wakes up 2 times a night for feeding, so it's not been a cure-all but she definitely sleeps better.
posted by cabingirl at 11:00 AM on November 6, 2015
posted by cabingirl at 11:00 AM on November 6, 2015
My first thought is that the little Forzling has reached that stage of neurological maturity where he has learned to fully recognize you - with the result that he needs you now, where before he could sleep alone woken only by his hunger, not by the desire to check in and make sure you were still available. The sleeping pattern that is causing you trouble might just be a sign that he is developing healthily and well and that he has bonded with you.
If he is growing taller, not heavier that means he is preparing to become long legged so he can keep up with you when he becomes a walking baby. If he is still at the 50% of height for his age and still growing, I don't think you need to worry at all. Remember, they grow in spurts so it is not unusual for a kid to practically stop growing for a month or two and then suddenly burst out of everything and go up two sizes in the next month and a half.
Another counter intuitive approach could be to arrange for more noise while he is sleeping. It is possible that the silence is triggering his danger of abandonment instinct. He might sleep better if there is a TV on in the next room, or if you put his crib against the wall that you share with the apartment building lobby, or put the vacuum cleaner under his crib and turn it on at bedtime.
4:30 to 5:30 A.M. is a natural waking time for critters that do their hunting and foraging in the dusk including people. It is a very normal waking time for many, many infants and some adults. If the problem is that you just can't wake up at 4:30 and everything hurts and you can't brain, then you could try setting an alarm clock for 4:00 A.M. and getting up a half hour earlier, which might hit in the right part of your sleep cycle so that it is easier than getting up at 4:30. Instead of thinking, "I don't wanna wake up at 4:30!" as you fall asleep, trying reminding yourself that "I need to wake up at 4:30 so I can look after the little Forzaling!" This can make a big difference to the quality of sleep and your ability to wake up. If you have to get up at four-thirty and stay up until seven, then you would be much happier if you could enjoy this as a quiet spiritual time when you watch the first light come into the sky, and listen to the dawn birds together and enjoy a time with your little one that will be soon gone and never come again. Sorry if this last suggestion is infuriating. I'm not saying it necessarily will work, just that it would be awfully nice if it could be made to work.
If the problem is not that 4:30 is a hard time to wake up, but that you are being zombie like with fatigue at all times, my suggestion to you is that you don't get out of your pajamas and take to going back to bed around seven a.m. until around nine or ten, whenever he wakes up. The problem here is not that he is not getting enough sleep, but that you are not getting enough sleep. So you need to figure out where you can start getting it. Either that or you could go to bed at seven p.m. and sleep until the eleven p.m. feeding. Of course, if you are not staying home with the little guy and have to hurtle around looking after all manner of responsibilities or go to work, getting extra sleep may be very hard to arrange.
Almost everyone in this culture is short of sleep and gets through the day on some mixture of adrenaline, coffee, cola, red bull, glazing out at the computer and stoic fortitude. It might be possible to make taking naps a short term project, just for the months of November, December and January.
Anyway, from the sound of it there is nothing wrong or unusual or bad about your little guy, it's just that you need more or better sleep. He's growing. He's not inconsolable. He's happy. He feeds well. So think about things you can change in your own behaviour so that you can get your needs met to get you back to being happy too.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:32 AM on November 6, 2015
If he is growing taller, not heavier that means he is preparing to become long legged so he can keep up with you when he becomes a walking baby. If he is still at the 50% of height for his age and still growing, I don't think you need to worry at all. Remember, they grow in spurts so it is not unusual for a kid to practically stop growing for a month or two and then suddenly burst out of everything and go up two sizes in the next month and a half.
Another counter intuitive approach could be to arrange for more noise while he is sleeping. It is possible that the silence is triggering his danger of abandonment instinct. He might sleep better if there is a TV on in the next room, or if you put his crib against the wall that you share with the apartment building lobby, or put the vacuum cleaner under his crib and turn it on at bedtime.
4:30 to 5:30 A.M. is a natural waking time for critters that do their hunting and foraging in the dusk including people. It is a very normal waking time for many, many infants and some adults. If the problem is that you just can't wake up at 4:30 and everything hurts and you can't brain, then you could try setting an alarm clock for 4:00 A.M. and getting up a half hour earlier, which might hit in the right part of your sleep cycle so that it is easier than getting up at 4:30. Instead of thinking, "I don't wanna wake up at 4:30!" as you fall asleep, trying reminding yourself that "I need to wake up at 4:30 so I can look after the little Forzaling!" This can make a big difference to the quality of sleep and your ability to wake up. If you have to get up at four-thirty and stay up until seven, then you would be much happier if you could enjoy this as a quiet spiritual time when you watch the first light come into the sky, and listen to the dawn birds together and enjoy a time with your little one that will be soon gone and never come again. Sorry if this last suggestion is infuriating. I'm not saying it necessarily will work, just that it would be awfully nice if it could be made to work.
If the problem is not that 4:30 is a hard time to wake up, but that you are being zombie like with fatigue at all times, my suggestion to you is that you don't get out of your pajamas and take to going back to bed around seven a.m. until around nine or ten, whenever he wakes up. The problem here is not that he is not getting enough sleep, but that you are not getting enough sleep. So you need to figure out where you can start getting it. Either that or you could go to bed at seven p.m. and sleep until the eleven p.m. feeding. Of course, if you are not staying home with the little guy and have to hurtle around looking after all manner of responsibilities or go to work, getting extra sleep may be very hard to arrange.
Almost everyone in this culture is short of sleep and gets through the day on some mixture of adrenaline, coffee, cola, red bull, glazing out at the computer and stoic fortitude. It might be possible to make taking naps a short term project, just for the months of November, December and January.
Anyway, from the sound of it there is nothing wrong or unusual or bad about your little guy, it's just that you need more or better sleep. He's growing. He's not inconsolable. He's happy. He feeds well. So think about things you can change in your own behaviour so that you can get your needs met to get you back to being happy too.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:32 AM on November 6, 2015
FOUR MONTH SLEEP REGRESSION FOUR MONTH SLEEP REGRESSION FOUR MONTH SLEEP REGRESSION
Seriously, it is a thing, and babies who previously slept fine (or fine enough) can drive their parents off the deep end with this. A common hypothesis is that it has something to do with all the rapid development that occurs when a baby transitions from larva to Baby!.
Our solution was to do whatever we had to do to stay alive during this time, and worry about sleep at six months. For us, that meant I moved into baby's room at 11pm wakeup and slept together with her on a queen mattress on the floor, nursing as needed. It was a hellish couple of months, but we tried sleep training for a couple of days and she clearly wasn't ready; and she just seemed to need that physical contact. Mattress was free of bedding, pillows, and most importantly, my husband, so I felt it was safe enough to share.
By six months sleep was better for all of us, and we didn't even need to sleep train. We did need to sleep train around nine months and again around 18 (and again last week, though that was pretty quick). Sleep got a lot more ordered, with Habits and things, around 9 months.
posted by telepanda at 11:43 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seriously, it is a thing, and babies who previously slept fine (or fine enough) can drive their parents off the deep end with this. A common hypothesis is that it has something to do with all the rapid development that occurs when a baby transitions from larva to Baby!.
Our solution was to do whatever we had to do to stay alive during this time, and worry about sleep at six months. For us, that meant I moved into baby's room at 11pm wakeup and slept together with her on a queen mattress on the floor, nursing as needed. It was a hellish couple of months, but we tried sleep training for a couple of days and she clearly wasn't ready; and she just seemed to need that physical contact. Mattress was free of bedding, pillows, and most importantly, my husband, so I felt it was safe enough to share.
By six months sleep was better for all of us, and we didn't even need to sleep train. We did need to sleep train around nine months and again around 18 (and again last week, though that was pretty quick). Sleep got a lot more ordered, with Habits and things, around 9 months.
posted by telepanda at 11:43 AM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Two things I'm not sure were mentioned: white noise (as loud "as a shower" is how Harvey Karp/Happiest Baby on the Block describes it). You can wean them off the white noise when they're older, but at that age it really helps. Also, maybe making the room even darker will help move the early wake-up time a bit. And fwiw, my youngest hit his sleep regression at 3 months and actually slowly started to improve at 4 months. So maybe yours is also "advanced" at sleep regression!
posted by areaperson at 5:56 PM on November 6, 2015
posted by areaperson at 5:56 PM on November 6, 2015
Oh! And is it possible to try an even earlier bedtime? I'd shoot for closer to 6 pm. I know it sounds nuts and he'll probably still have wake-ups, but maybe he'll sleep later in the morning. Sleep begets sleep (I know you know that!) Hang in there.
posted by areaperson at 6:00 PM on November 6, 2015
posted by areaperson at 6:00 PM on November 6, 2015
I would have killed for a baby that only woke up a few times during the night! Mine woke up every 45 minutes - for seven months. I wish I had advice (or I could have addressed my own situation...) but all I can tell you is that his pattern right now is within the realm of normal.
posted by Jubey at 6:24 PM on November 6, 2015
posted by Jubey at 6:24 PM on November 6, 2015
Response by poster: As if to reinforce the moral of this AskMe, which is "it could be a lot worse", my little darling decided to wake up four times last night (every two hours, on the dot) and then be up for good at the lovely hour of 4am. I do appreciate all the voices of support and sanity. I know intellectually it will pass at some point, but hearing it from lots of people is helpful anyway.
The more I think about it, I think a huge part of the problem is that he is so active and engaged he can't bear to turn off to go to sleep (or eat - the supply problem was caused by a lack of interest in the first place). He'll get the bare minimum of either and then it's back to hands flailing enthusiastically, grabbing at everything, chortling and babbling with glee and move move moving as much as his little body can.
Unfortunately some of your (very good) suggestions won't work for us, but hopefully will help other beleaguered parents who might read it. He's already in a sleepsuit or else the aforementioned hands would mean he would never ever fall asleep ever. I can't nap (at least many days) because I'm working, and he really won't snuggle and is so excited to be around me that co-sleeping actually makes him sleep worse. I'll make a concerted effort to increase supply (again) because at least if I can feed him from the boob all night, even if there are more feeds, I won't have to wake up in order to do it. But regardless, I'll just buckle in and concentrate on surviving the ride, knowing that at some point (probably many points) it will change again.
posted by forza at 6:53 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
The more I think about it, I think a huge part of the problem is that he is so active and engaged he can't bear to turn off to go to sleep (or eat - the supply problem was caused by a lack of interest in the first place). He'll get the bare minimum of either and then it's back to hands flailing enthusiastically, grabbing at everything, chortling and babbling with glee and move move moving as much as his little body can.
Unfortunately some of your (very good) suggestions won't work for us, but hopefully will help other beleaguered parents who might read it. He's already in a sleepsuit or else the aforementioned hands would mean he would never ever fall asleep ever. I can't nap (at least many days) because I'm working, and he really won't snuggle and is so excited to be around me that co-sleeping actually makes him sleep worse. I'll make a concerted effort to increase supply (again) because at least if I can feed him from the boob all night, even if there are more feeds, I won't have to wake up in order to do it. But regardless, I'll just buckle in and concentrate on surviving the ride, knowing that at some point (probably many points) it will change again.
posted by forza at 6:53 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Just wanted to give a little update for posterity, now that he's five months old and we seem to have cracked it (at least for a while). Maybe it will help other parents in the same situation.
For us the solution involved many steps back before getting there, and involved solving a succession of problems -- but it's pretty clear, in hindsight, that there were actual reasons for all his night wakings (which, also in hindsight, waking twice a night to feed was the least of it; I was so sleep deprived when I wrote the question I wasn't even thinking of the once-an-hour tiny wakings to be patted or have a pacifier inserted or whatever, which were actually what was killing me). Anyway, here are the factors we pinpointed:
1. By far the biggest is that our little guy prefers to sleep on his front. This made a huge difference - he loves it and goes right down and usually stays right down for a long time when he is on his front or even his side. But of course we couldn't do that until he learned to roll over, because of SIDS dangers, and also until we solved the swaddling issue, which leads to...
2. The hands / swaddling problem was a doozy. This got a lot worse before it got better, but eventually we used Merlin's magic sleepsuit (suggested above) to deal with the interim month where he was too energetic to stay in any swaddle we could devise, but couldn't stop his flailing hands from waking him. It truly was magic. We only used it for a month because sleeping on his front was so much better for him (and it's hard to roll in the sleepsuit), but it was really really helpful for that month.
3. It turns out that sleeping in the same room with me was keeping him awake. We only discovered this because one day I decided to nap in the same room as him, and his naps -- which have always been pretty good -- suddenly sucked. So I started sleeping in a separate room, and that also was a huge factor. I guess he needs it to be very quiet, and I am rather noisy.
Anyway, he is now has been on a good, consistent schedule for about a week and it looks like it's sticking. Goes to sleep at 7pm, sleeps through!, wakes at ~1am for a feed, continues to sleep through, and wakes up at about 5-5:30am. Two naps, one from about 8am-10am, and one from about 1pm-3pm. All good, until it goes pear-shaped again at the next developmental transition or whatever.
Thank you to all you good people for helping me through a really rough time. I'm still sleep-deprived but improving steadily and feeling saner day by day.
posted by forza at 2:12 PM on January 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
For us the solution involved many steps back before getting there, and involved solving a succession of problems -- but it's pretty clear, in hindsight, that there were actual reasons for all his night wakings (which, also in hindsight, waking twice a night to feed was the least of it; I was so sleep deprived when I wrote the question I wasn't even thinking of the once-an-hour tiny wakings to be patted or have a pacifier inserted or whatever, which were actually what was killing me). Anyway, here are the factors we pinpointed:
1. By far the biggest is that our little guy prefers to sleep on his front. This made a huge difference - he loves it and goes right down and usually stays right down for a long time when he is on his front or even his side. But of course we couldn't do that until he learned to roll over, because of SIDS dangers, and also until we solved the swaddling issue, which leads to...
2. The hands / swaddling problem was a doozy. This got a lot worse before it got better, but eventually we used Merlin's magic sleepsuit (suggested above) to deal with the interim month where he was too energetic to stay in any swaddle we could devise, but couldn't stop his flailing hands from waking him. It truly was magic. We only used it for a month because sleeping on his front was so much better for him (and it's hard to roll in the sleepsuit), but it was really really helpful for that month.
3. It turns out that sleeping in the same room with me was keeping him awake. We only discovered this because one day I decided to nap in the same room as him, and his naps -- which have always been pretty good -- suddenly sucked. So I started sleeping in a separate room, and that also was a huge factor. I guess he needs it to be very quiet, and I am rather noisy.
Anyway, he is now has been on a good, consistent schedule for about a week and it looks like it's sticking. Goes to sleep at 7pm, sleeps through!, wakes at ~1am for a feed, continues to sleep through, and wakes up at about 5-5:30am. Two naps, one from about 8am-10am, and one from about 1pm-3pm. All good, until it goes pear-shaped again at the next developmental transition or whatever.
Thank you to all you good people for helping me through a really rough time. I'm still sleep-deprived but improving steadily and feeling saner day by day.
posted by forza at 2:12 PM on January 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
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posted by forza at 10:11 PM on November 5, 2015