How can people help me as a caregiver for my spouse?
October 18, 2015 8:40 AM   Subscribe

How can people help me as a caregiver for my spouse who is in hospice care?

My spouse is in hospice care at home after a year-long course of treatment for a brain tumor. I work full time though I'll also be taking time off and working some from home.

I've had dozens of offers of support and assistance from friends and family and I know that I need help but I'm overwhelmed with the idea of figuring out what and how. Here are a few things that I can think of to slot people into but are there other ones?

Meal preparation and delivery
Dog walking
A regular once-a week babysitter for our elementary school aged daughter
2-3 hour slots to hang out with my spouse so I can do other things/go out
grocery shopping
help with house cleaning
yard maintenance

What other tasks are easily handed off to others and are things that others would want to do?
posted by otherwordlyglow to Human Relations (16 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Laundry/drycleaning

This site is designed to help coordinate support tasks in situations like yours.
posted by desjardins at 8:46 AM on October 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


Laundry and bed-making would be big ones for me -- they can be time-consuming if you're the caregiver, and they are easy things for others to help with that require no major skills.

Can you get some of your groceries, dog food, etc. delivered to cut down on shopping runs?
posted by vickyverky at 8:46 AM on October 18, 2015


I'm sorry about your husband. My suggestion is assuming his condition is terminal but I would want to do this for my child although I am healthy since life is so unpredictable.

Maybe someone could go and interview your husband and record in a little book (or on video).
Questions like "what was your favorite subject in school", "when was your first date?' and "what do you remember about the day [daughter] was born?".

I am sure there are terrific posts online about interviewing questions.

It could be a gift for your daughter's 18 birthday or just viewed over the years.

Also buy birthday cards for your daughter for the next 15 years and have someone facilitate him signing them and leaving a note in them.

I wish you all the best.
posted by ReluctantViking at 8:51 AM on October 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Is there someone close enough to you/familiar enough with your life whom you would trust handling your correspondence? Responding to emails/Facebook messages from casual acquaintances will quickly get draining and sending thank you notes for things may overwhelm you. If there's someone you're close enough to who can respond to these messages with something like "This is otherworldlyglow's cousin and I'll pass your good wishes along. Here's fact A B & C. Thanks for caring.", it could be quite useful to you.

Additionally, someone can keep track of who did what, maybe even get card and address envelopes, if you are a person for whom having sent a proper thank you will be important.

Kind thoughts to you.
posted by crush-onastick at 8:55 AM on October 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry to hear about your husband. This site rates caregiving apps, that you can download and use to coordinate caregiving tasks. Lotsa Helping Hands is a caregiving calendar you can use to help people coordinate who is doing what tasks. This way you don't wind up with a dozen casseroles or offers to walk your dog when what you really need is a babysitter or someone to grocery shop.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:59 AM on October 18, 2015


Pick the most earnest and available person and ask THEM to organise this.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:59 AM on October 18, 2015 [31 favorites]


People to have your daughter over, for playdates or sleepovers or dinner or even just to go escape to for a while. It's easy for a little kid to feel overwhelmed by stressed-out and sad grownups, especially when there isn't much that she can do to help you.

Actually, if you have someone willing to help her work on ways of helping, that would be excellent.
posted by SMPA at 9:03 AM on October 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Sort mail (either sort unopened by best guess, or someone you trust to open everything and file or log the important stuff).

Keep your grocery list (let them worry about figuring out if you're out of toilet paper or dish soap) and assign grocery runs.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:04 AM on October 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


I am so sorry you are going through this.

"Gatekeeping." At some point you may want people to help you co-ordinate, limit and serve as a buffer with visitors. When my mom was on hospice, people would come around and see her and then hang out and it got very loud and exhausting and we needed someone to almost always be trying to keep the noise and activity down. And also to be watching out for visitors who were particularly tiring and ride herd on them.
posted by BibiRose at 9:05 AM on October 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


You've got your list - now prioritise - and decide who you think is best for each task.

So sorry that you're going through this and I really hope your friends/family mean it when they say they want to help.
posted by Flowerpower at 9:16 AM on October 18, 2015


Dog walking? How about dog grooming, dog nail clipping, taking dog to the vet. Those were the hardest things for me when I was caregiving full time.

But I think it would be great to have someone record him reading a chapter book - a family favorite - that anyone could listen to when they can't sleep.
posted by cda at 9:45 AM on October 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Maybe some one who can do errands that your child needs? Picking up birthday presents for classmates, going to a town event, rehearsals for school stuff?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:01 AM on October 18, 2015


Also perhaps you could arrange a regular "you time" thing with a friend doing something distracting that could lift your spirits? I know at times I have needed a defined escape when I am not going to think about *sad situation* if I can help it.
posted by TenaciousB at 10:04 AM on October 18, 2015


Also think about how people without time can help you out - like money for a housecleaner or a laundry service. Good thoughts for you all.
posted by k8t at 10:55 AM on October 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


My father died when I was in elementary school and, boy, could my sister and I have used someone safe and warm and smart (who wasn't also grieving) to help us make our way through all of our feelings. Perhaps a wise friend can do the legwork to research therapists who specialize in helping children with loss? Or bereavement groups for children?
posted by mcduff at 10:57 AM on October 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


I am so sorry you, your spouse and daughter are going through this, otherwordlyglow.

DarlingBri's idea of designating one person to handle all the organization, delegation of tasks, and communications is a very good one. This activity in itself (organization and delegation) is exhausting and it will take an enormous load off you, allowing you to conserve your energy for the stuff no one else will be able to do for you--spending time with your spouse and child, and, well, grieving.

Re: children's bereavement groups, there are organizations like this one that help children process loss and grief in a group setting. They may be able to direct you towards resources for yourself and your family as well.

Take care, and again, I'm so sorry.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:54 PM on October 18, 2015


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