Putting things into perspective.
October 16, 2015 2:00 PM Subscribe
Occasionally, I get a glimpse of exactly how (un)important my first world problems are. How can I hold onto that in everyday life?
I've had a stressful week at work. To top it off, somebody or bodies went on a crime spree along our street the other night, and thoughtfully removed all four door handles from my (sadly uninsured) car. (Yes they went to the trouble of trying rope to each handle, and then to their car, and driving!) Last night I went out with friends and felt much better, talking and laughing about the week, but I have to admit that I was genuinely disappointed when the ice coffee I ordered came without wafers.
Coming home, looking for something to watch, I found this . As I watched women in Sierra Leone be delivered of babies, some no longer living, and children in Cambodia scavenge to make money, I thought: Work! Wafers! Door handles! Take the whole car! Why am I worried?
I don't want to adopt the attitude that "nothing matters either way because it's always worse elsewhere". My life does matter, and I want to enjoy all the little little things as well as the large. But watching that documentary (which was fantastic and yet heartbreaking) somehow expanded my spirit. How do you keep a sense of that perspective?
I've had a stressful week at work. To top it off, somebody or bodies went on a crime spree along our street the other night, and thoughtfully removed all four door handles from my (sadly uninsured) car. (Yes they went to the trouble of trying rope to each handle, and then to their car, and driving!) Last night I went out with friends and felt much better, talking and laughing about the week, but I have to admit that I was genuinely disappointed when the ice coffee I ordered came without wafers.
Coming home, looking for something to watch, I found this . As I watched women in Sierra Leone be delivered of babies, some no longer living, and children in Cambodia scavenge to make money, I thought: Work! Wafers! Door handles! Take the whole car! Why am I worried?
I don't want to adopt the attitude that "nothing matters either way because it's always worse elsewhere". My life does matter, and I want to enjoy all the little little things as well as the large. But watching that documentary (which was fantastic and yet heartbreaking) somehow expanded my spirit. How do you keep a sense of that perspective?
"Perspective" in this sense is kind of bullshit, I think.
Everyone has problems. Bill Gates has problems. It's completely natural and human to worry about the problems you yourself have. I find telling people their problems aren't "real" because someone else somewhere has it worse to be profoundly unhelpful. It just leaves you with the same problems you already had, and slaps a sense of guilt on top of everything else.
That said, volunteering can indeed be a good way to get your mind off your own issues by helping others with theirs. Many people will also probably recommend consciously keeping a list of things you are grateful for.
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:22 PM on October 16, 2015 [17 favorites]
Everyone has problems. Bill Gates has problems. It's completely natural and human to worry about the problems you yourself have. I find telling people their problems aren't "real" because someone else somewhere has it worse to be profoundly unhelpful. It just leaves you with the same problems you already had, and slaps a sense of guilt on top of everything else.
That said, volunteering can indeed be a good way to get your mind off your own issues by helping others with theirs. Many people will also probably recommend consciously keeping a list of things you are grateful for.
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:22 PM on October 16, 2015 [17 favorites]
Your head is big enough to (rightfully) gripe about your damaged car and (understandably) worry about how people have it in other parts of the world. Violations against your property and person do count. Compassion does, too.
What perhaps counts less is the wafers and the ice coffee. There will be more coffee and wafers. And there's always a way to silence the instant-gratification-or-else three-year-old that lives within a grown up person.
posted by Namlit at 2:34 PM on October 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
What perhaps counts less is the wafers and the ice coffee. There will be more coffee and wafers. And there's always a way to silence the instant-gratification-or-else three-year-old that lives within a grown up person.
posted by Namlit at 2:34 PM on October 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Perspective is by its very nature ephemeral. You live your own life, and you deal with the ups and downs of that existence. For example: I'm a firefighter and paramedic. One morning, I was driving home after a shift in which I saw the very worst that the world deals out, and found myself mad at another driver for some annoying but inconsequential infraction. My lack of perspective was suddenly, breathtaking laid out before me. Did it make the other driver any less inconsiderate? No. Were their actions worth losing my mind over? Absolutely not.
I have perspective-altering moments almost every shift, but I still have to live my own life, overcome my own challenges, and hope that I remain informed by those moments and made better by them.
I think we have a duty to seek out a broader context in which to understand our own problems; if you come from a place of privilege, it may be the only way to pay attention to the greater issues affecting those around us. Everything that takes you out of the comfortable boundaries has the opportunity to give you perspective. Volunteering, going places you don't normally go, listening to people who aren't your usual crowd.
posted by itstheclamsname at 2:49 PM on October 16, 2015 [16 favorites]
I have perspective-altering moments almost every shift, but I still have to live my own life, overcome my own challenges, and hope that I remain informed by those moments and made better by them.
I think we have a duty to seek out a broader context in which to understand our own problems; if you come from a place of privilege, it may be the only way to pay attention to the greater issues affecting those around us. Everything that takes you out of the comfortable boundaries has the opportunity to give you perspective. Volunteering, going places you don't normally go, listening to people who aren't your usual crowd.
posted by itstheclamsname at 2:49 PM on October 16, 2015 [16 favorites]
Tonglen meditation.
"Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us. Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings."
posted by divined by radio at 3:14 PM on October 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
"Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us. Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings."
posted by divined by radio at 3:14 PM on October 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
sell everything you have and give the proceeds to the poor.
if that doesn't work for you (it doesn't, quite, for me), figure out what half-measure you actually can do and do it.
whatever you choose to do to pay back the world for the good fortune that you've received by being one of the people who wear clothes stitched by children working 16 hours a day instead of being one of those children, always remember that no one outside your immediate circle cares about whether or not you feel bad about your good luck. your angst or lack of angst is completely irrelevant to actual sufferers.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:00 PM on October 16, 2015
if that doesn't work for you (it doesn't, quite, for me), figure out what half-measure you actually can do and do it.
whatever you choose to do to pay back the world for the good fortune that you've received by being one of the people who wear clothes stitched by children working 16 hours a day instead of being one of those children, always remember that no one outside your immediate circle cares about whether or not you feel bad about your good luck. your angst or lack of angst is completely irrelevant to actual sufferers.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:00 PM on October 16, 2015
I use these moments of perspective to feel Gratitude . I have problems, pain and difficulties too. More than some, less then many. But thinking of myself in a ranking of who has what, who's life is harder and do I even deserve to feel disappointed when faced with my first-world or even California-problems* gets me nowhere.
Feeling gratitude for my circumstances is a feeling I can hold through happy times, frustrations and even when comparing myself to others like those in your documentary.
The feeling of gratitude will also grow if you let it and can lead you to find little (maybe even big) ways you can help others everyday. It also keeps the little things in perspective.
*California problems = so beyond first world problems that I can't even say them out-loud. For example, the snack parent brought conventional strawberries instead of organic to school, it's December and the pool heater is broken so it's too cold to swim outside, the avocado that the grocery service delivered wasn't ripe, my pedicure spa is fully booked this week and I have to wait until Monday...
posted by saradarlin at 5:20 PM on October 16, 2015
Feeling gratitude for my circumstances is a feeling I can hold through happy times, frustrations and even when comparing myself to others like those in your documentary.
The feeling of gratitude will also grow if you let it and can lead you to find little (maybe even big) ways you can help others everyday. It also keeps the little things in perspective.
*California problems = so beyond first world problems that I can't even say them out-loud. For example, the snack parent brought conventional strawberries instead of organic to school, it's December and the pool heater is broken so it's too cold to swim outside, the avocado that the grocery service delivered wasn't ripe, my pedicure spa is fully booked this week and I have to wait until Monday...
posted by saradarlin at 5:20 PM on October 16, 2015
more usefully, now that I'm not typing with my thumbs: one problem with volunteering at homeless shelters or whatever is the sense of impotence - you know for a fact that whatever help you're giving is just a drop in the bucket, and the bucket has a hole in the bottom and will never be filled.
obviously what is needed to heal the world is systematic change (dare I say it, revolutionary system change), not scattered individual acts of gracious service from the privileged.
Here in Oakland, there are organizations setting up community self-help and self-defense programs modeled after some of the programs set up by the Black Panthers back in the day. I believe there are similar efforts under way in many other major cities. Many of these groups admit white allies and accomplices who are willing to take on behind-the-scenes roles while submitting to Black leadership. If you volunteered with one of these programs, you could have the satisfaction of (for example) helping prepare food for disadvantaged children, while also knowing that these children are being taught the vital skills and the vital self-worth that they will need to revolutionize their lives and their communities.
If you're interested in this sort of thing, drop me a memail and I'll see if there's anyone in your town I can get you in touch with.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:30 PM on October 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
obviously what is needed to heal the world is systematic change (dare I say it, revolutionary system change), not scattered individual acts of gracious service from the privileged.
Here in Oakland, there are organizations setting up community self-help and self-defense programs modeled after some of the programs set up by the Black Panthers back in the day. I believe there are similar efforts under way in many other major cities. Many of these groups admit white allies and accomplices who are willing to take on behind-the-scenes roles while submitting to Black leadership. If you volunteered with one of these programs, you could have the satisfaction of (for example) helping prepare food for disadvantaged children, while also knowing that these children are being taught the vital skills and the vital self-worth that they will need to revolutionize their lives and their communities.
If you're interested in this sort of thing, drop me a memail and I'll see if there's anyone in your town I can get you in touch with.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:30 PM on October 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Self-compassion, understanding that your suffering also matters, is a much better perspective. I feel that 'they have it worse' is a way of ignoring pain or distracting yourself. Someone in a Buddhist class I was at said 'my problems are so miniscule compared to theirs' but the teacher intervened and suggested he be kinder to himself. Comparison is unkind to both. It may also be untrue because they may have a greater capacity for happiness and small joys at times.
I agree with the Tonglen suggestion or Metta Bhavana (try ignoring the flute).
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 7:30 AM on October 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree with the Tonglen suggestion or Metta Bhavana (try ignoring the flute).
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 7:30 AM on October 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think most people would be pissed if they had a shitty work week and then had their door handles ripped off. I don't think you need to remember starving children to handle stress affably. Actually, the suggestion that poor people in the third world can function as a source of our psychological well-being is a bit disturbing, though I know you didn't mean it that way.
You might consider a philosophy like stoicism which teaches us to remove our attachments to comforts. A stoic might say that you shouldn't complain about the car because it's just a hunk of metal and it was inevitably going to rust and decay anyway. Same with your health, relationships, your favorite shoes, and your appearance. These are all great things to have but they are not ours to keep. So why get upset when we lose them?
One mental trick I learned: when I lose something or it gets stolen or breaks or I am somehow made uncomfortable, I ask myself – can I easily fix this problem with money? If the answer is yes, then I know it's not very important.
posted by deathpanels at 11:53 AM on October 17, 2015
You might consider a philosophy like stoicism which teaches us to remove our attachments to comforts. A stoic might say that you shouldn't complain about the car because it's just a hunk of metal and it was inevitably going to rust and decay anyway. Same with your health, relationships, your favorite shoes, and your appearance. These are all great things to have but they are not ours to keep. So why get upset when we lose them?
One mental trick I learned: when I lose something or it gets stolen or breaks or I am somehow made uncomfortable, I ask myself – can I easily fix this problem with money? If the answer is yes, then I know it's not very important.
posted by deathpanels at 11:53 AM on October 17, 2015
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posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 2:14 PM on October 16, 2015