Age, language barrier and feelings
October 13, 2015 6:25 PM Subscribe
Hi everyone. There is a 20 year old German exchange student in my class (I'm pursuing a professional degree). I'm 26. I admire him a great deal and I miss our conversations. He's who I aspire to be as a human being: someone who radiates goodness and spends his time buried in books when he's not training for an upcoming triathlon. We were friends and then because of my stupid feelings, we slept together.
He hasn't reached out to me since. Before things got out of control, he asked me if I could see myself being in a long term relationship with him. I said "But you're so young." He said "Yes and I'm going back to Germany next year." Even though I could see myself growing old with this person and moving for him (I've searched high and low for someone like him) it's undeniable that the age difference is too big a risk. Plus I hardly know him, really.
I don't want to ruin this friendship, but how does one turn back time on something like sleeping together, especially when he seems inexperienced (he seemed very inexperienced and I don't think it's likely he'd brush off the encounter)? I don't want to pressure him into being friends if he doesn't want to speak to me because he's confused or guilty, especially because I'm much more socially integrated in our program, older and he knows I'm married but separated. At the same time, I think I'm more invested and I'm a little angry that he ruined our friendship because I too am an outsider in this city and I could have used the companionship.
Do I sit him down and ask him can we be friends all over again and forget it ever happened, or remain civil and distant when I see him once a week because my ego is a little bruised?
Thank you for your input.
He hasn't reached out to me since. Before things got out of control, he asked me if I could see myself being in a long term relationship with him. I said "But you're so young." He said "Yes and I'm going back to Germany next year." Even though I could see myself growing old with this person and moving for him (I've searched high and low for someone like him) it's undeniable that the age difference is too big a risk. Plus I hardly know him, really.
I don't want to ruin this friendship, but how does one turn back time on something like sleeping together, especially when he seems inexperienced (he seemed very inexperienced and I don't think it's likely he'd brush off the encounter)? I don't want to pressure him into being friends if he doesn't want to speak to me because he's confused or guilty, especially because I'm much more socially integrated in our program, older and he knows I'm married but separated. At the same time, I think I'm more invested and I'm a little angry that he ruined our friendship because I too am an outsider in this city and I could have used the companionship.
Do I sit him down and ask him can we be friends all over again and forget it ever happened, or remain civil and distant when I see him once a week because my ego is a little bruised?
Thank you for your input.
Best answer: Oh boy.
I think you actually need to have two conversations; one with him, and one with yourself. And I think the one with yourself is the one you should have first.
It sounds like you are in a stew about what you want with this guy - which makes total sense, by the way, because you're going through a whole mess of "I really like him" and "I'm older" and "but I don't know him", on top of 'here's what I want for my life" and "HORMONES YAY". That's a lot of conflicting stuff piling on top of each other, and you need to first sort out what you do and don't want out of this situation; and you need to sort that out when he's not sitting in front of you.
Then you have a conversation with him about "so, uh....about that thing we did." And there is where you present what you want and listen to he wants and see what kind of common ground there is. Maybe he's already decided he just wants a fuckbuddy before he goes back to Germany. Maybe if he's decided that, but you've decided you can't do that, then you downshift to just friends. Maybe you both decide "yeah, maybe friends is best". Maybe you decide to try dating and discover it works.
But you have to know what you want yourself first.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:39 PM on October 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think you actually need to have two conversations; one with him, and one with yourself. And I think the one with yourself is the one you should have first.
It sounds like you are in a stew about what you want with this guy - which makes total sense, by the way, because you're going through a whole mess of "I really like him" and "I'm older" and "but I don't know him", on top of 'here's what I want for my life" and "HORMONES YAY". That's a lot of conflicting stuff piling on top of each other, and you need to first sort out what you do and don't want out of this situation; and you need to sort that out when he's not sitting in front of you.
Then you have a conversation with him about "so, uh....about that thing we did." And there is where you present what you want and listen to he wants and see what kind of common ground there is. Maybe he's already decided he just wants a fuckbuddy before he goes back to Germany. Maybe if he's decided that, but you've decided you can't do that, then you downshift to just friends. Maybe you both decide "yeah, maybe friends is best". Maybe you decide to try dating and discover it works.
But you have to know what you want yourself first.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:39 PM on October 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: German men are more used to women being the aggressor than North American men are. He is looking to you to set the tone, and you probably indicated to him that it was a one night stand thing for you. If you like him and want to pursue him, you should reach out to him and tell him directly.
posted by stowaway at 6:41 PM on October 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by stowaway at 6:41 PM on October 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Your previous askmefi question follows a very similar pattern to this one. After very limited interactions with someone, you decide you're head over heels for that person, but it can't work because of various logistical things, some more valid than others. For example, what do you mean by:
it's undeniable that the age difference is too big a risk.
It's not undeniable. Plenty of people would say it's not too big a risk. And yet you had a similar line in your other question about how it wouldn't work because that guy had "qualities" that made him seem like too much of a cheating risk.
Also, how long have you been separated from your (ex?) husband? Did that marriage happen between this question and the last question (2 years ago)?
There just seems like there's a lot to unpack here, and regardless of what happens with this guy, I think you need to take a big step back and examine your approach to relationships. This question itself comes off as rather confused. You say you slept together because of your "stupid feelings" and that at the same time you're angry at him for "ruining your friendship"? Because he slept with you? Also, you say you think you're more invested, but at the same time, it sounds like he's the one who broached the topic of long term potential, and you were the one who shot it down.
I hate to go to the old askmefi standby, but I do think a therapist could really help you examine some of this stuff.
In the meantime, I don't think you should pursue something with him. The age thing in and of itself isn't a dealbreaker necessarily, but things are already pretty messy and you don't seem to know what you want out of this, so I feel like pursuing something more serious probably won't be in either of your best interests, and that's not even getting into the cross cultural stuff.
If you think you can handle being platonic friends and if that's something that you want, then I think you should talk to him and say you want to stick with just being friends, and then see how he feels about it, and go from there.
posted by litera scripta manet at 6:55 PM on October 13, 2015 [22 favorites]
it's undeniable that the age difference is too big a risk.
It's not undeniable. Plenty of people would say it's not too big a risk. And yet you had a similar line in your other question about how it wouldn't work because that guy had "qualities" that made him seem like too much of a cheating risk.
Also, how long have you been separated from your (ex?) husband? Did that marriage happen between this question and the last question (2 years ago)?
There just seems like there's a lot to unpack here, and regardless of what happens with this guy, I think you need to take a big step back and examine your approach to relationships. This question itself comes off as rather confused. You say you slept together because of your "stupid feelings" and that at the same time you're angry at him for "ruining your friendship"? Because he slept with you? Also, you say you think you're more invested, but at the same time, it sounds like he's the one who broached the topic of long term potential, and you were the one who shot it down.
I hate to go to the old askmefi standby, but I do think a therapist could really help you examine some of this stuff.
In the meantime, I don't think you should pursue something with him. The age thing in and of itself isn't a dealbreaker necessarily, but things are already pretty messy and you don't seem to know what you want out of this, so I feel like pursuing something more serious probably won't be in either of your best interests, and that's not even getting into the cross cultural stuff.
If you think you can handle being platonic friends and if that's something that you want, then I think you should talk to him and say you want to stick with just being friends, and then see how he feels about it, and go from there.
posted by litera scripta manet at 6:55 PM on October 13, 2015 [22 favorites]
Best answer: Why exactly are you unwilling to give a relationship a try (if he's interested)? You appear to have written that off for no reason other than that he's a little younger than you, which doesn't make any sense.
posted by mister pointy at 6:58 PM on October 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by mister pointy at 6:58 PM on October 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You say he didn't reach out to you after you slept together. Did you reach out to him? What do you want at this point- to date him, or just to be friends? Just be honest with him. It doesn't really sound like you're in a good place for a relationship—you're still married, for one thing—and yes, he's only in town temporarily. The way you've explained things here it sounds like sleeping together was your idea. And it seems like you owe *him* an apology for messing up the friendship (I don't understand why you'd be angry with him). It also seems like it might be difficult to revert to a platonic relationship, and like this would be a great time to concentrate on strengthening friendships with other people (girls, ideally, if you are straight).
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:10 PM on October 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:10 PM on October 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: It doesn't sound like this relationship is on an equal footing. He's several years younger (at a time in life when that matters), an exchange student, very inexperienced, you are married, things "got out of control"... I think you need to take a little more responsibility for what happened. You can't go back in time, no, but you can resolve to treat him with respect and maturity and make better decisions going forward. Don't pressure him to move on or give him the silent treatment. Give him space and time.
posted by thetortoise at 7:19 PM on October 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by thetortoise at 7:19 PM on October 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: A few details:
-I got married 3 years ago, and that was my first everything.
-When I mention age, it's because I don't think you're a fully fledged person until you're in your mid-20's. I want to settle down in 2 years.
-You're right - I could use more stability in my life and I fall into codependent patterns early on. I love hanging out with my older girl friends (I generally get along with them better) but they seem to not have the space for close friendships. I've been in therapy since I was 18.
-I've had a few close friendships tank because feelings cropped up and such. That's why I really don't want this to be another version of that and risk this friendship for something that could go sour.
-As to what happened, I started avoiding him because I felt he was sending mixed signals and acting really nervous around me. I told him online that I was acting strangely (avoiding him) because I liked him, and it would go away in a few weeks as it happens a lot. Could he please be patient with the awkwardness and we could get right on to doing serious work once I had gotten over things. He reciprocated but I felt he only said it because he felt like he had to? And then I told him, forget about what I said, because I felt there was a weird power dynamic. He said, that's a shame. And he started getting touchy feely (is this a European thing?) and asked to hang out really late. Which made me more nervous! Because he's really young and that's inappropriate and I felt I was reading into things too much. And then after we had coffee, he asked me to get dinner and then to come up to his room. I don't know, I feel I've put in way more effort into maintaining the status quo than he has.
-The tortoise: I respectfully disagree about giving him time. This happened last week, and I'm done being in emotional turmoil (yes, I don't have the best grip over my feelings) and being distracted from my work because of this. If he doesn't want to be friends, all I need is him to say that.
Thanks for your input! I think I'll just -she- man up and ask him straight out what he wants.
posted by kinoeye at 7:46 PM on October 13, 2015
-I got married 3 years ago, and that was my first everything.
-When I mention age, it's because I don't think you're a fully fledged person until you're in your mid-20's. I want to settle down in 2 years.
-You're right - I could use more stability in my life and I fall into codependent patterns early on. I love hanging out with my older girl friends (I generally get along with them better) but they seem to not have the space for close friendships. I've been in therapy since I was 18.
-I've had a few close friendships tank because feelings cropped up and such. That's why I really don't want this to be another version of that and risk this friendship for something that could go sour.
-As to what happened, I started avoiding him because I felt he was sending mixed signals and acting really nervous around me. I told him online that I was acting strangely (avoiding him) because I liked him, and it would go away in a few weeks as it happens a lot. Could he please be patient with the awkwardness and we could get right on to doing serious work once I had gotten over things. He reciprocated but I felt he only said it because he felt like he had to? And then I told him, forget about what I said, because I felt there was a weird power dynamic. He said, that's a shame. And he started getting touchy feely (is this a European thing?) and asked to hang out really late. Which made me more nervous! Because he's really young and that's inappropriate and I felt I was reading into things too much. And then after we had coffee, he asked me to get dinner and then to come up to his room. I don't know, I feel I've put in way more effort into maintaining the status quo than he has.
-The tortoise: I respectfully disagree about giving him time. This happened last week, and I'm done being in emotional turmoil (yes, I don't have the best grip over my feelings) and being distracted from my work because of this. If he doesn't want to be friends, all I need is him to say that.
Thanks for your input! I think I'll just -she- man up and ask him straight out what he wants.
posted by kinoeye at 7:46 PM on October 13, 2015
Best answer: It sounds like you are indeed much more invested than he is (and is even able to be) at this point. You don't sound like you're in an emotional position to be "just friends" with him, without prolonging this turmoil.
I suspect that he's enjoying time with you, but thinks that his leaving in a year is a natural boundary for whatever happens. To the extent that he knows how strong your feelings are, and feels free to play at a relationship, that's unfair. But he's only 20. He can't know much yet about what he really wants, or what's fair.
I think, given the situation, expectations for more than a short-term relationship might be misplaced, and I think you'd do better to protect yourself from a losing bet. Keep your distance, be civil, carry on.
I'm a little angry that he ruined our friendship because I too am an outsider in this city and I could have used the companionship.
I can understand feeling upset, rejected (and maybe a bit angry about that), but really, how did he ruin your friendship? It sounds like things just unfolded, and both of you are confused. Why do you blame him, and why does he owe you friendship, if you hardly know him?
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:16 PM on October 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
I suspect that he's enjoying time with you, but thinks that his leaving in a year is a natural boundary for whatever happens. To the extent that he knows how strong your feelings are, and feels free to play at a relationship, that's unfair. But he's only 20. He can't know much yet about what he really wants, or what's fair.
I think, given the situation, expectations for more than a short-term relationship might be misplaced, and I think you'd do better to protect yourself from a losing bet. Keep your distance, be civil, carry on.
I'm a little angry that he ruined our friendship because I too am an outsider in this city and I could have used the companionship.
I can understand feeling upset, rejected (and maybe a bit angry about that), but really, how did he ruin your friendship? It sounds like things just unfolded, and both of you are confused. Why do you blame him, and why does he owe you friendship, if you hardly know him?
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:16 PM on October 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Wha? Hah? Huh???
He sounds all in and very much likes you. You sound like you really dig him, but are putting up all sorts of artificial barriers, which makes you seem like a mess.
You've ruined it for yourself as far as I can tell. You should have just dated him when you had the chance. You could still date him, the problem is YOU are not stable enough and you will change your mind flip flop style and put this poor boy through the ringer...
Anyway. No one is as perfect as you describe. So you're not entirely out of luck, but yeah, it's not nice all this confusion you're putting out there. Just back off and let this one go. When you're ready to be emotionally stationary, the right one will come along.
Tread lightly in the meantime. Focus on yourself. Breathe. Breathe.
posted by jbenben at 8:44 PM on October 13, 2015 [15 favorites]
He sounds all in and very much likes you. You sound like you really dig him, but are putting up all sorts of artificial barriers, which makes you seem like a mess.
You've ruined it for yourself as far as I can tell. You should have just dated him when you had the chance. You could still date him, the problem is YOU are not stable enough and you will change your mind flip flop style and put this poor boy through the ringer...
Anyway. No one is as perfect as you describe. So you're not entirely out of luck, but yeah, it's not nice all this confusion you're putting out there. Just back off and let this one go. When you're ready to be emotionally stationary, the right one will come along.
Tread lightly in the meantime. Focus on yourself. Breathe. Breathe.
posted by jbenben at 8:44 PM on October 13, 2015 [15 favorites]
Best answer: Given your update, I agree that having an honest, low-expectations conversation is a good idea, but be prepared that going back to the friendship as it was may not be a possibility. A friendly but distant work relationship is probably the ideal outcome for both of you here. Going forward, please do cultivate those friendships without a romantic component (like the ones with your older female friends), because they are invaluable for feeling grounded and secure.
posted by thetortoise at 8:51 PM on October 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by thetortoise at 8:51 PM on October 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Wait, it's inappropriate to hang out late at night?
I would argue that you missed the boat on that one when you boned him.
posted by mister pointy at 8:58 PM on October 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would argue that you missed the boat on that one when you boned him.
posted by mister pointy at 8:58 PM on October 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, I think you're the one who ruined the friendship, or the both of you did by boning. If you're not willing to date him for age and international reasons (the latter of which I actually think is somewhat reasonable, as per various green card threads), you shouldn't have gone there, and now that you did, there may just be no going back from there. Especially if he has feelings for you, which it sounds like he does.
I think at this point it's gonna end up being all or nothing. Either you go all in and date him even if it's temporary, or you end all contact with him. Mushball middle platonic friendship as an option has gone flying out the window.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:23 PM on October 13, 2015
I think at this point it's gonna end up being all or nothing. Either you go all in and date him even if it's temporary, or you end all contact with him. Mushball middle platonic friendship as an option has gone flying out the window.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:23 PM on October 13, 2015
Best answer: To be honest, you sound a lot younger than him despite being 6 years older and married. I'm 12 years older than you and I don't think 26 year old me was super mature compared to 20 year old me. Had more work experience and life experience but in retrospect I felt really young at both ages.
6 years isn't a big deal really but neither of you have your lives together yet. For starters, German students often end up finishing university much later than people in other countries so if you want to settle down soonish, he may well not be in a position to do so for years. I don't think the age gap should stop a relationship if you're both wanting that but if you want to settle down and have kids etc, he's probably not up for that for a while yet.
You mention the touchyfeely ness. Obviously I can't speak for everyone but yeah, my german friends are a lot more affectionate and huggy than my British/Aussie friends. But hanging out really late? It's not remotely inappropriate. He's 20! He's not 6 years old or your 85 year old grandpa who eats dinner at 5pm. 20 year old students hang out at night and they are legal adults who get to chose how they spend their time.
posted by kitten magic at 11:14 PM on October 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
6 years isn't a big deal really but neither of you have your lives together yet. For starters, German students often end up finishing university much later than people in other countries so if you want to settle down soonish, he may well not be in a position to do so for years. I don't think the age gap should stop a relationship if you're both wanting that but if you want to settle down and have kids etc, he's probably not up for that for a while yet.
You mention the touchyfeely ness. Obviously I can't speak for everyone but yeah, my german friends are a lot more affectionate and huggy than my British/Aussie friends. But hanging out really late? It's not remotely inappropriate. He's 20! He's not 6 years old or your 85 year old grandpa who eats dinner at 5pm. 20 year old students hang out at night and they are legal adults who get to chose how they spend their time.
posted by kitten magic at 11:14 PM on October 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I think you should stay away from this guy because you are likely hurting him quite a bit. He asks you if you see him as a long-term relationship prospect, you say no, then sleep with him, then get mad at him for being nervous and awkward around you, then tell him you like him, then tell him to forget that you said that. He must be absolutely baffled by your behavior. HIS behavior seems pretty straightforward: he likes you and wants to date you but is not exactly sure how to make that happen, partly because he is young and partly because you are sending him every mixed signal there is. I don't think that age differences have to be that big of a deal, but in this case I think a guy who had more dating experience would have already gotten fed up and moved on from this messy situation. In that way you are taking advantage of his age.
The nicest thing you can do for him now is a) figure out what will work for you and b) communicate that to him as directly as you can. If you keep jerking him around of course he's not going to want to be friends.
posted by chaiminda at 4:12 AM on October 14, 2015 [17 favorites]
The nicest thing you can do for him now is a) figure out what will work for you and b) communicate that to him as directly as you can. If you keep jerking him around of course he's not going to want to be friends.
posted by chaiminda at 4:12 AM on October 14, 2015 [17 favorites]
Best answer: You're angry at him?
You admire him but don't think of him as a fully fledged person? You want to settle down with someone in two years, but not someone who has said they are interested in a long term relationship?
You're wondering what he wants?
Woah, this is pretty hard, but if this was me writing these things, I would think that:
I'm angry not at him, but at myself.
I am mistaking my own immaturity for his. 'In two years' is a date in the future, the truth is I am NOT interested in a long term relationship at the moment.
He has been pretty clear about what he wants, but am not clear about what I want and/or suspect it doesn't match up with what he wants, so I what I want is for that to not be true.
If I was giving advice to him as well, I would suggest that you shouldn't try to be friends at the moment, because there are feelings (on both sides!), and it would likely lead to an emotionally codependent quasi-relationship, so the best thing to do would be to give each other space and not talk.
posted by Elysum at 4:21 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
You admire him but don't think of him as a fully fledged person? You want to settle down with someone in two years, but not someone who has said they are interested in a long term relationship?
You're wondering what he wants?
Woah, this is pretty hard, but if this was me writing these things, I would think that:
I'm angry not at him, but at myself.
I am mistaking my own immaturity for his. 'In two years' is a date in the future, the truth is I am NOT interested in a long term relationship at the moment.
He has been pretty clear about what he wants, but am not clear about what I want and/or suspect it doesn't match up with what he wants, so I what I want is for that to not be true.
If I was giving advice to him as well, I would suggest that you shouldn't try to be friends at the moment, because there are feelings (on both sides!), and it would likely lead to an emotionally codependent quasi-relationship, so the best thing to do would be to give each other space and not talk.
posted by Elysum at 4:21 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I lived in Berlin for a couple of years and am dating a northern European myself. I have learned that most Europeans don't date the way Americans do. In the northern European countries I've lived in, it usually goes like this: you get to know someone through mutual friends or classes, etc, and you hang out a lot together (sometimes with your mutual friends, sometimes alone) without ever using the word "date" and then if you both like each other, sometimes you end up sleeping together. If the sex is good and/or you wake up in the morning feeling good about each other, then you keep hanging out and keep sleeping together until one of you gets tired of the relationship or it gets more serious and you move in together, etc.
So, basically, it sounds to me like you went on the European equivalent of a date with him (i.e. no mention of the word "Date" but hanging out just the two of you late at night and sleeping together), and like it sometimes happens, he decided afterwards that he didn't want to go out with you again. So I don't think he's avoiding you because he feels angry or guilty or confused. I think he's avoiding you the way most people avoid someone they don't want to go on a second date with.
posted by colfax at 5:29 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
So, basically, it sounds to me like you went on the European equivalent of a date with him (i.e. no mention of the word "Date" but hanging out just the two of you late at night and sleeping together), and like it sometimes happens, he decided afterwards that he didn't want to go out with you again. So I don't think he's avoiding you because he feels angry or guilty or confused. I think he's avoiding you the way most people avoid someone they don't want to go on a second date with.
posted by colfax at 5:29 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you want to be friends, then start acting like a friend and dial the drama and the blame game way down. Your account of the events here reads really confused and inconsistent -- can you see that?
He's shown loads of signs of romantic interest in you, but it's as though you have some insecure attachment issues and defense mechanisms going on wherein you keep projecting your own negative feelings (sending mixed signals, acting really nervous, having issues around power and inexperience) on to him. You're "angry" at him but you haven't shared anything he's done wrong, which makes me think this is actually all about you needing to face your own issues and accept yourself.
You began with: "we slept together... He hasn't reached out to me since."
Then in your follow-up you listed a bunch of ways he unambiguously reached out to you (in bold below), but where you chose to mind-read and come up with your own alternate motivations for his behaviors: "As to what happened, I started avoiding him because I felt he was sending mixed signals and acting really nervous around me... He reciprocated but I felt he only said it because he felt like he had to? And then I told him, forget about what I said, because I felt there was a weird power dynamic. He said, that's a shame. And he started getting touchy feely (is this a European thing?) and asked to hang out really late. Which made me more nervous! Because he's really young and that's inappropriate and I felt I was reading into things too much. And then after we had coffee, he asked me to get dinner and then to come up to his room."
Oy vey, just look at all of those clear signs of interest he was giving you that you bent over backwards to actively misinterpret. So. Stop blaming this guy for your choices. Work on yourself. Complete your divorce process, and get closure there. Chronological ages aside, you're a 26-year-old separated woman who is just not ready to be in an adult relationship yet, and that's ok. This must be really hard for you, getting in your own way repeatedly but not quite realizing it. Good for you for doing therapy.
posted by hush at 5:59 AM on October 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
He's shown loads of signs of romantic interest in you, but it's as though you have some insecure attachment issues and defense mechanisms going on wherein you keep projecting your own negative feelings (sending mixed signals, acting really nervous, having issues around power and inexperience) on to him. You're "angry" at him but you haven't shared anything he's done wrong, which makes me think this is actually all about you needing to face your own issues and accept yourself.
You began with: "we slept together... He hasn't reached out to me since."
Then in your follow-up you listed a bunch of ways he unambiguously reached out to you (in bold below), but where you chose to mind-read and come up with your own alternate motivations for his behaviors: "As to what happened, I started avoiding him because I felt he was sending mixed signals and acting really nervous around me... He reciprocated but I felt he only said it because he felt like he had to? And then I told him, forget about what I said, because I felt there was a weird power dynamic. He said, that's a shame. And he started getting touchy feely (is this a European thing?) and asked to hang out really late. Which made me more nervous! Because he's really young and that's inappropriate and I felt I was reading into things too much. And then after we had coffee, he asked me to get dinner and then to come up to his room."
Oy vey, just look at all of those clear signs of interest he was giving you that you bent over backwards to actively misinterpret. So. Stop blaming this guy for your choices. Work on yourself. Complete your divorce process, and get closure there. Chronological ages aside, you're a 26-year-old separated woman who is just not ready to be in an adult relationship yet, and that's ok. This must be really hard for you, getting in your own way repeatedly but not quite realizing it. Good for you for doing therapy.
posted by hush at 5:59 AM on October 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I told him online that I was acting strangely (avoiding him) because I liked him, and it would go away in a few weeks as it happens a lot.
This is really strange and I have a feeling it probably puts him off. To say "I like you so I'm avoiding you" is too cute by half, and suggests more than a bit of immaturity on your part, honestly. And, I dunno, it may have made you seem really flaky ... you're just out of a marriage with a divorce not even finalized, and you're telling him "this happens a lot"? How COULD it happen a lot under your circumstances, unless you're leading a pretty messy/crazy love life that he may want to stay far away from?
Serious question: Do you consider yourself "fully fledged"? Because you don't come across that way in the account you've given of your behavior here.
asked to hang out really late. Which made me more nervous! Because he's really young and that's inappropriate and I felt I was reading into things too much.
Like others have said, this is bewildering.
posted by jayder at 8:16 AM on October 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is really strange and I have a feeling it probably puts him off. To say "I like you so I'm avoiding you" is too cute by half, and suggests more than a bit of immaturity on your part, honestly. And, I dunno, it may have made you seem really flaky ... you're just out of a marriage with a divorce not even finalized, and you're telling him "this happens a lot"? How COULD it happen a lot under your circumstances, unless you're leading a pretty messy/crazy love life that he may want to stay far away from?
Serious question: Do you consider yourself "fully fledged"? Because you don't come across that way in the account you've given of your behavior here.
asked to hang out really late. Which made me more nervous! Because he's really young and that's inappropriate and I felt I was reading into things too much.
Like others have said, this is bewildering.
posted by jayder at 8:16 AM on October 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the input! I didn't realize that I seem that emotionally mature, and will definitely be working on myself.
I just spoke to my classmate and we will be remaining non-awkward friends :) he seems less invested than I am and I've realized I don't want a relationship, something that would not have occurred to me but for this thread, so thank you.
posted by kinoeye at 11:21 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I just spoke to my classmate and we will be remaining non-awkward friends :) he seems less invested than I am and I've realized I don't want a relationship, something that would not have occurred to me but for this thread, so thank you.
posted by kinoeye at 11:21 AM on October 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, it's not clear to me whether he has feelings for you and you don't have feelings back (him asking about relationship stuff) or the other way around.
Also, if you're going to be in a program together you need to come to some kind of terms or it will be a weird year.
And also, it seems a shame that two people of good will who like each other shouldn't at least take a shot at fixing things up between them, and it seems like a lot is unsaid between you unless you've left out many details.
I had a fairly serious relationship with a 26 year old when I was 19/20. I was a bit old for my age and he was a bit young, and obviously we are not still together, but we went out for a couple of years and I think we were reasonably good for each other.
posted by Frowner at 6:35 PM on October 13, 2015 [4 favorites]