Divorcing woman survival guide
October 9, 2015 7:10 AM Subscribe
I know the first and best answer is LAWYER, but I would like all the tips, tricks, advice, resources, and help yall can give to women who know the divorce should happen, but kids and money are issues. Maybe a step by step divorce and post divorce survival guide?
Lets assume 2 or 3 kids, all under 16, and an unreliable husband with mild/moderate abuse and or substance abuse issues. Child support and such may not be forthcoming, because husband is obviously not so good. Also lets assume a decent education, but 10-20 years out of the workforce due to children raising.
I know metafilter continually says getting out of the bad situations, no matter how hard, is entirely worth it and priceless, but how do things like food, shelter, and children's education work, during and after a rough divorce? (I'm aware that some of it will be "Well, after you've talked to your lawyer, you'll have a better plan...)
Thank you!
Lets assume 2 or 3 kids, all under 16, and an unreliable husband with mild/moderate abuse and or substance abuse issues. Child support and such may not be forthcoming, because husband is obviously not so good. Also lets assume a decent education, but 10-20 years out of the workforce due to children raising.
I know metafilter continually says getting out of the bad situations, no matter how hard, is entirely worth it and priceless, but how do things like food, shelter, and children's education work, during and after a rough divorce? (I'm aware that some of it will be "Well, after you've talked to your lawyer, you'll have a better plan...)
Thank you!
You have my condolences about a difficult situation. I'm glad to see that from this point forward, you're making sure that your kids will grow up in a healthy and peaceful house.
Don't worry about kids' post-secondary education; there's plenty of ways for them to take care of it themselves: enlisting in military, work p-t + study p-t, etc.
The domestic violence center has a wealth of resources for people in your situation, including job hunting resources.
The child support will take care of itself. They'll either garnish his wages directly from the employer or if he's too sick to work, they'll garnish his disability pension. If he's retired, they'll garnish his pension. A catch is that if he owns his own small business.
Don't move out of state or far from the kids' dad, if it all possible. Although you don't need the bum any more, they do. If he's no good to them too, the kids will figure that out. If he's been abusive to them/molesting them, there's supervised visitation for the bum. The supervised visitation cost comes out of his pocket, not yours.
posted by dlwr300 at 7:44 AM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't worry about kids' post-secondary education; there's plenty of ways for them to take care of it themselves: enlisting in military, work p-t + study p-t, etc.
The domestic violence center has a wealth of resources for people in your situation, including job hunting resources.
The child support will take care of itself. They'll either garnish his wages directly from the employer or if he's too sick to work, they'll garnish his disability pension. If he's retired, they'll garnish his pension. A catch is that if he owns his own small business.
Don't move out of state or far from the kids' dad, if it all possible. Although you don't need the bum any more, they do. If he's no good to them too, the kids will figure that out. If he's been abusive to them/molesting them, there's supervised visitation for the bum. The supervised visitation cost comes out of his pocket, not yours.
posted by dlwr300 at 7:44 AM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can't tell why you're asking. Is this for someone who you think should get a divorce and you're trying to help them with some type of guide?
If they're living with a person who's abusive, the best thing you can do is offer to take them in until they can be safe and help them find a lawyer.
A lawyer will help with everything else.
posted by kinetic at 7:49 AM on October 9, 2015
If they're living with a person who's abusive, the best thing you can do is offer to take them in until they can be safe and help them find a lawyer.
A lawyer will help with everything else.
posted by kinetic at 7:49 AM on October 9, 2015
Document, document, document...EVERYTHING!
posted by pearlybob at 8:00 AM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pearlybob at 8:00 AM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Here's an exit action plan for how to leave.
For guidance on what to do next, reach out to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or online chat). NCADV has a detailed set of checklists and questions that will help with planning ahead, and NDVH can help with putting together a safety plan for leaving the relationship.
For assistance with finding a lawyer, this site has a state-by-state list of low-income legal aid clinics and this site has a list of organizations that provide low- or no-cost legal aid to victims of abuse. This site has a list of domestic shelters and a state-by-state list of domestic violence coalitions; depending on the state, you should be able to drill down from there for community-based resources. Many shelters offer cash or other material assistance with food, clothing, shelter, and childcare to help ease the financial burden of leaving.
Start by protecting your assets and finances. HUD will be able to help you find low-income/subsidized housing. Benefits.gov has a list of some of the living assistance benefits you might be able to receive from the state and/or federal government, particularly as a single parent, and you can find out which specific benefits you would qualify for here.
posted by divined by radio at 8:07 AM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
For guidance on what to do next, reach out to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or online chat). NCADV has a detailed set of checklists and questions that will help with planning ahead, and NDVH can help with putting together a safety plan for leaving the relationship.
For assistance with finding a lawyer, this site has a state-by-state list of low-income legal aid clinics and this site has a list of organizations that provide low- or no-cost legal aid to victims of abuse. This site has a list of domestic shelters and a state-by-state list of domestic violence coalitions; depending on the state, you should be able to drill down from there for community-based resources. Many shelters offer cash or other material assistance with food, clothing, shelter, and childcare to help ease the financial burden of leaving.
Start by protecting your assets and finances. HUD will be able to help you find low-income/subsidized housing. Benefits.gov has a list of some of the living assistance benefits you might be able to receive from the state and/or federal government, particularly as a single parent, and you can find out which specific benefits you would qualify for here.
posted by divined by radio at 8:07 AM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just to add to what was said above about if he owns a small business- it's more complicated and here in Canada you can't use the standard tables, but there are most definitely structures in place to calculate and enforce support, so don't worry about that either if that's your situation.
Apps like 2houses are very useful for communication and documentation.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 8:07 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Apps like 2houses are very useful for communication and documentation.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 8:07 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
An amazing divorced single-mom friend of mine made a trip to a financial adviser early in the process, got real about her options and made a budget and plan to live within it. Years later she still emphasizes how important this was to helping her keep life manageable (and set her own expectations). Lots of great advice above, so that's all I have to add. Not a step 1, but perhaps step 3 or 4.
posted by meinvt at 8:14 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by meinvt at 8:14 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
A friend of mine runs moxielifecoach.com, which originally focused on helping divorced women.
posted by brujita at 8:36 AM on October 9, 2015
posted by brujita at 8:36 AM on October 9, 2015
how do things like food, shelter, and children's education work, during and after a rough divorce?
Beyond getting a lawyer [MeFi Wiki], there is help [MeFi Wiki] for emotional support, as well as food, housing and health care [MeFi Wiki].
posted by Little Dawn at 8:51 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Beyond getting a lawyer [MeFi Wiki], there is help [MeFi Wiki] for emotional support, as well as food, housing and health care [MeFi Wiki].
posted by Little Dawn at 8:51 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not a divorcée, but I'm the child of a Very Messy Divorce.
If he's moving out, get the locks changes ASAP. No matter who's moving out, get security cameras on all doors. If you have a storage unit, get that lock changed, too. (Let's just say we lost a lot of heirlooms and family pictures to massive amounts of bodily fluids.)
If you suspect he's been hiding assets, look into that. Monitor any joint accounts extra closely.
The younger your kids are, the better chance they stand of getting into programs that will assist them. after the divorce.
Forget about pride. As soon as your lawyer lets you know where you stand, let all your friends and family know what they can do to help.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:52 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
If he's moving out, get the locks changes ASAP. No matter who's moving out, get security cameras on all doors. If you have a storage unit, get that lock changed, too. (Let's just say we lost a lot of heirlooms and family pictures to massive amounts of bodily fluids.)
If you suspect he's been hiding assets, look into that. Monitor any joint accounts extra closely.
The younger your kids are, the better chance they stand of getting into programs that will assist them. after the divorce.
Forget about pride. As soon as your lawyer lets you know where you stand, let all your friends and family know what they can do to help.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:52 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Please get in touch with your local domestic violence organization, even if you're not planning to use them for shelter. They know the ins and outs of your states legal system and will often have lawyer recommendations as well.
posted by a hat out of hell at 9:25 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by a hat out of hell at 9:25 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
You can pay bills ahead to consume some cash, if he's likely to swipe it. Ask for child support, ask for contribution to college. See if the absence of child support or college fund contribution might get you more equity. If the house has to be sold, see if equity can be placed in trust towards child support.
Absolutely get in touch with the family shelter nearest you.
Wishing you the very best.
posted by theora55 at 12:25 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Absolutely get in touch with the family shelter nearest you.
Wishing you the very best.
posted by theora55 at 12:25 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Bedrockdivorce.com has two books and a workbook that are worth reading before you see a lawyer. His Forbes column is free online.
Look into consulting a divorce coach who can help you choose your legal team.
posted by Sophont at 12:40 PM on October 9, 2015
Look into consulting a divorce coach who can help you choose your legal team.
posted by Sophont at 12:40 PM on October 9, 2015
Document any abuse and substance abuse. Write down incidents in a notebook. This may help you establish custody of kids. Think about physical custody (where they live) and legal custody (who gets to make decisions) and what you want.
Go to a program that focuses on the kids. A divorce attorney or therapist may be able to recommend one.
If at all possible, treat your spouse with respect during the process. You have a lot ahead of you, and keeping things civil will make it (slightly) easier. But also realize that the abuse may get worse as you try to get out.
Call the cops if you need to. They are there to help if a situation gets out of hand (he shows up drunk to take the kids and refuses to leave). It can also show him that you are going to enforce boundaries.
Find a confidant or two who will listen to you and help you retain your sense of self.
Good luck. It's a really hard process.
posted by Sukey Says at 2:22 AM on October 10, 2015
Go to a program that focuses on the kids. A divorce attorney or therapist may be able to recommend one.
If at all possible, treat your spouse with respect during the process. You have a lot ahead of you, and keeping things civil will make it (slightly) easier. But also realize that the abuse may get worse as you try to get out.
Call the cops if you need to. They are there to help if a situation gets out of hand (he shows up drunk to take the kids and refuses to leave). It can also show him that you are going to enforce boundaries.
Find a confidant or two who will listen to you and help you retain your sense of self.
Good luck. It's a really hard process.
posted by Sukey Says at 2:22 AM on October 10, 2015
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Trust your gut about custody if you think he's being wobbly and threatening the kids. If he makes physical threats to the kids, even if he doesn't actually hit them - CALL THE COPS. It will escalate. Don't be nice, be firm and clear on custody time. You must talk to a lawyer about the house before pushing someone, you or him, out of the house because different jurisdictions look at that very differently.
I got a lawyer by asking recently divorced friends and trusted friends with divorced family members for recommendations, going to three initial meetings and picking the one I felt reasonably comfortable with, who was organised and not a therapist but a lawyer. Take lots of notes and go with questions written down ahead of the meeting.
Get as much money stashed up as fast as possible and cut your expenses to the bone because your ex may spiral into addiction, or deny you money before the legal ruling to try and control you, and you want to try and keep things calm and steady for the kids without having to panic about money. Keep the kid things going modestly and keep one nourishing treat for yourself (a gym membership you thrive on, brunch with friends once a week - something that fills up your soul) but cut everything. Go vegetarian mostly, cancel the cable whatever. Stash cash for the rough months ahead.
A therapist to work out parenting issues once a week - not marriage counselling but co-parenting counselling - can be super helpful as a neutral place.
Have you got childcare sorted so you can work parttime or full-time? Going back to work could be a huge help for you now emotionally and financially.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:37 AM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]