What does a healthy team member-supervisor relationship look like?

October 9, 2015 7:01 AM

After several years working for a boss who's also a friend, I've made a move to a new career and and a much more impersonal manager. I'm struggling with what to expect from my new boss and in building a professional relationship with him. What level of engagement/communication from your boss is reasonable to expect and how do you get more engagement if it's not meeting what you need?

My previous role required close teamwork and daily communication about ongoing issues with my boss, who I worked with as a peer prior to reporting to him. He's a guy that's very comfortable and willing to do emotional labor, so I had lots of feedback from him (good and bad), was able to share my frustrations easily and was very comfortable going to him for guidance. In my new role, my supervisor is much more withdrawn. He's less available in general, less communicative and his style is more "just figure it out on your own" vs. "let's figure it out together" when dealing with big issues. I'm finding this really tough to get used to.

People are different and I can learn how to work with this, but some general understanding of how people work with less communicative managers would be helpful. Complicating factor: My new role is in IT. I'm the only woman and the least tenured by several years on my team of 10. So trying to find the balance between just acclimating to the new environment vs. pushing for more/different communication and expectations feels a little trickier.

posted by thatquietgirl to Work & Money (6 answers total)

In your old job, your supervisor was the person with whom you talked things through. Your new supervisor doesn't want to be that person, which is (if he's not a jerk) not saying that he believes you shouldn't have or be such a person (that your work style isn't valid), just saying it's not his work style and he's not going to be that person to you. Is there anyone else in your group who seems to work in a more discussion-based style? Maybe you could partner up with that person. Right now it's your habit that when you have a question, you take it up the ladder; it's just as valid to take it sideways or down the ladder. "So, intern, given this situation, what would you say are the strengths and weaknesses of this plan?" is as valid of a discussion as "Say, boss, here's my proposed solution, what do you think?" and for me fills a lot of the same needs: when I spell out the problem and explain my solution, my comfort level and certainty with my conclusions rises (or I change my mind and realize there's an issue) no matter what the other person says.
posted by aimedwander at 8:05 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm a woman and an engineer and I've worked in male dominated environments my whole career. I suggest you observe how your colleagues interact with your boss. If there is one of your co-workers who seems more approachable, you might want to talk with him about the general expectations in your workplace. You might also benefit from linking with other women in technology -- e.g. the systers mailing list or perhaps a meetup in your local area.

While I'm familiar with the term "emotional labor" from ask.metafilter, I would advise against using terms like that with your new colleagues -- they probably won't understand what you're talking about and might find it squicky. You want them to feel comfortable with you.

I can imagine this is a big adjustment -- hang in there. I think you will eventually find the kind of support and collegial environment you're looking for but it may not be with your direct supervisor.
posted by elmay at 8:06 AM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

personally, i actually welcome this. just let me get on with my job.

BUT the risk is that you waste time on problems that can be easily solved by your boss, or you drift away from what is expected of you (i have a problem with both the above, which leads to me writing code more complex than needed, just to work around problems that could be better addressed by the boss talking to someone).

so i guess my advice would be to try embrace the chance to do what you want, and what you feel is right. but to also make sure that there's a good route for feedback (and maybe a cya paper trail) - an email each day saying what you did, what you will do next, what problems you have, for example (with a short summary at the top, if it's long, and the expectation that the long part will only be read if the summary indicates that it's necessary).

another thing that i've found useful, but which depends more on the exact structure of where you work, is a back-up / emergency boss. someone more emotionally available who can intervene in (rare) emergencies, or who is open to chatting if needed. this may seem an odd thing to cultivate or request, but such a person will likely, knowing the "hands off" boss, already be aware that some people have issues with that, and so anticipating such a role. or maybe i was lucky...
posted by andrewcooke at 8:06 AM on October 9, 2015

You need to learn to adjust to your manager's style and coopt elements of it to help you get what you need. Does he prefer face-to-face communication or email? Does he want detailed status reports or just to know when things are complete? If he tends to be more hands-off, is it because he really doesn't like getting involved or is it because he thinks that is what motivates employees more? Once you know that, try to work within his preferred communication schemes to get what you need. At a bare minimum you need to get him engaged enough to communicate how to prioritize conflicting tasks and to ensure that he is up-to-speed with decisions that you make that he has delegated to you. Sometimes you find that a boss who "doesn't communicate" just prefers a different style than you are used to. I've had managers who hated email, but would engage in detail in personal conversation. I tend to prefer to resolve things via email so I have a record of it and try to discourage long conversations and endless meetings.

Unless he is completely incompetant, he has got to provide some basic level of supervision once you figure out his style. It can be scary when someone leaves you adrift to figure things out on your own and delegates decisions that you don't have all the tools to make, but it can also lead to big periods of professional growth. I hope it works out well for you.
posted by Lame_username at 8:07 AM on October 9, 2015

In no particular order:
- make sure you know what your manager's priorities are for you to work on. If that's unclear you can go off in completely the wrong direction.
- try to set up a regular point to check in. A face to face (or at least phone) meeting is best, but ask what his preference is - he may just want a regular status update.
- also ask your colleagues how they work with this manager, they may have good advice about what to do and not do that you won't get directly.
- take initiative, but don't surprise your manager. If you're planning something that you think he needs to know about in advance, make a case to him either at your regular check in, or in a mail. Over time you will get more sense of what he is leaving to your discretion, so be more cautious early on and build up trust.
posted by crocomancer at 8:08 AM on October 9, 2015

Best answer: Unsurprisingly, the shape of this interaction is driven by personality. I've listened to the Manager-Tools podcast now for several years, and they have a a personality tool they use called DISC: Dominance, Influence, Stability, Conscience.

It sounds like your work personality leans towards Influence; I's talk to people to solve problems, generate and evaluate new ideas, and generally value people and relationships. Your new boss sounds like a typical Conscience. C's focus on the technology, quality, and efficiency. C's are pretty common in engineering and IT, and we tend to hire similar to ourselves, so your coworkers may not be much different than your boss. Generally speaking these two personalities are presented as polar opposites, and given your manager has far more say over how this disagreement is resolved, it's not surprising that you're left in the lurch.

However, it's not like this is a doomed thing. Manager Tools has a 'Trinity' of tools they recommend to new managers: one-on-one meetings, feedback, coaching, and delegation (nobody ever said management consultants were good at math ;)) One on ones are 30 minute weekly meetings managers have with all their directs; it's intended to build up relationships, and give people a chance to talk, even when their boss's calendar is quite full. Feedback is designed to help employees get better at their existing skills, and rewarding good behavior. Coaching is intended for building new skills, and delegation is intended to build new skills towards your next promotion within the firm.

It sounds like your old boss was good with feedback, kinda sorta had 1-on-1 meetings with you, but maybe didn't do a good job of coaching and a terrible job of delegation. Part of goals coaching and delegation is to build up your skills to where you can function more independently. This is important, because it's extremely rare for managers or directors to have free calendars to closely supervise directs. Managers need to focus on the things only they can do, even if they're more efficient than their directs at things.

Even high C's, who prefer impersonal communications, can adopt this framework. In fact, I sort of suspect they need it the most, as it's all about people and they're personality is simply not about people. I have no clue how you introduce your boss to these tools, other than saying 'Hey, I've been listening to this podcast, do you think their advice is good?' It's difficult to ask for change in your boss, as it's easy to interpret as a declaration of incompetence, but you might be able to request a standing 30 minute meeting to talk about what you've been doing, what your boss wants from you, and the future (aka a weekly 1-on-1). I recommend you start with an email explaining that you'd like to schedule that meeting with them, and lay out why. Keep the key point towards the top, but for a high C feel free to include some reasoning for why you feel it's a good idea.

Otherwise, as others suggested, I recommend building your network. People in and outside of the company you can turn to for support. My boss is rightfully busy most of the time, and so when I have a stumper, I turn to coworkers, IRC channels, to StackOverflow / ServerFault, and to Google. The great thing about having a professional network larger than your boss and coworkers is that you don't lose them when you change jobs.
posted by pwnguin at 9:22 AM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]