Mid-life crisis: existential or situational?
October 9, 2015 6:24 AM Subscribe
I just turned 40 and am deeply conflicted about where I am in life. Is this something I should just sit out or do I need to make changes?
Acting on an earlier, quarter-life crisis, I moved to London primarily for my career but also to try and make sense of myself. 9 years later it feels like I’ve achieved nothing and I don't know if it's the inevitable mid-life lag or whether I should switch things up again.
Although my career has soared, it’s been at a massive cost to my personal life. I don’t socialise anymore because I don’t have anything to talk about apart from work. My job is so stressful I can’t sleep sometimes, I’m overwhelmed all the time, my role is ambiguous with enormous responsibility and little support, I work long days and am constantly on edge. I’m very naturally introverted and my job involves intense interaction which completely wears me out, but it’s a great position that many would kill for and I worked so hard to get to this point I’m afraid to give it up now.
It’s made worse by having no life outside of work. When I came here I was questioning my approach to relationships, looking for community, exploring creative pursuits in music and theatre, and working stuff out. All the personal exploration I began got knocked on the head by moving into a live-in relationship too soon (due to housing costs) and a kind of dampening of myself that was needed to just get through the day in a massive, expensive city.
My partner and I are harmonious but I find living together a constant low-level stressor. He’s kind and thoughtful and we talk about stuff all the time but I feel like I’m constantly pushing him away because I crave solitude, yet I also feel terribly isolated. The rest of my cohort are elsewhere, having kids, serving networks, dealing with mortgages but I didn’t prioritise any of those things when I might have and those ships have since sailed. We rent, and having failed to buy when I actually wanted to (3 years ago – he wasn’t ready then) I cannot face the massively inflated costs of the market now (and therefore commitment to highly paid work) against what would have been more manageable back then.
Now I'm 40 it feels like I should be more settled but I’m just not. My partner recently proposed but although I love him very much I feel so intensely ambiguous about everything I couldn’t make any commitment either way. I feel like there’s just nothing worth aiming for. I had clear plans that got derailed and I’ll never get back on track now. I’ve become really bitter and resentful and I find it painful to be around people who actually saw their ambitions through. I feel tired and defeated all the time and I don’t know what to do. I’ve had counselling on and off over the years and although it helps me feel a bit less isolated it doesn’t help me actually make changes.
Has anyone been through this kind of thing and if so what helped? Downsizing to a less stressful job? Leaving the city? Making a commitment to buy a house/marry/pursue a hobby? Anecdotes would be great to hear.
Acting on an earlier, quarter-life crisis, I moved to London primarily for my career but also to try and make sense of myself. 9 years later it feels like I’ve achieved nothing and I don't know if it's the inevitable mid-life lag or whether I should switch things up again.
Although my career has soared, it’s been at a massive cost to my personal life. I don’t socialise anymore because I don’t have anything to talk about apart from work. My job is so stressful I can’t sleep sometimes, I’m overwhelmed all the time, my role is ambiguous with enormous responsibility and little support, I work long days and am constantly on edge. I’m very naturally introverted and my job involves intense interaction which completely wears me out, but it’s a great position that many would kill for and I worked so hard to get to this point I’m afraid to give it up now.
It’s made worse by having no life outside of work. When I came here I was questioning my approach to relationships, looking for community, exploring creative pursuits in music and theatre, and working stuff out. All the personal exploration I began got knocked on the head by moving into a live-in relationship too soon (due to housing costs) and a kind of dampening of myself that was needed to just get through the day in a massive, expensive city.
My partner and I are harmonious but I find living together a constant low-level stressor. He’s kind and thoughtful and we talk about stuff all the time but I feel like I’m constantly pushing him away because I crave solitude, yet I also feel terribly isolated. The rest of my cohort are elsewhere, having kids, serving networks, dealing with mortgages but I didn’t prioritise any of those things when I might have and those ships have since sailed. We rent, and having failed to buy when I actually wanted to (3 years ago – he wasn’t ready then) I cannot face the massively inflated costs of the market now (and therefore commitment to highly paid work) against what would have been more manageable back then.
Now I'm 40 it feels like I should be more settled but I’m just not. My partner recently proposed but although I love him very much I feel so intensely ambiguous about everything I couldn’t make any commitment either way. I feel like there’s just nothing worth aiming for. I had clear plans that got derailed and I’ll never get back on track now. I’ve become really bitter and resentful and I find it painful to be around people who actually saw their ambitions through. I feel tired and defeated all the time and I don’t know what to do. I’ve had counselling on and off over the years and although it helps me feel a bit less isolated it doesn’t help me actually make changes.
Has anyone been through this kind of thing and if so what helped? Downsizing to a less stressful job? Leaving the city? Making a commitment to buy a house/marry/pursue a hobby? Anecdotes would be great to hear.
Your career seems to be the major source of stress and dissatisfaction. Have you thought seriously about making a lateral move to the same role at a different company, or a new role at a different company?
posted by DarlingBri at 6:47 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 6:47 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
but it’s a great position that many would kill for and I worked so hard to get to this point I’m afraid to give it up now.
This is the perfect time. There are few things as liberating to the spirit as learning to scorn the prize you wanted so badly and worked hard for. You have the accomplishment under your belt. Declare victory and move on to something else - somewhere else - that provides a better life balance.
posted by three blind mice at 6:54 AM on October 9, 2015 [27 favorites]
This is the perfect time. There are few things as liberating to the spirit as learning to scorn the prize you wanted so badly and worked hard for. You have the accomplishment under your belt. Declare victory and move on to something else - somewhere else - that provides a better life balance.
posted by three blind mice at 6:54 AM on October 9, 2015 [27 favorites]
I don't see how you can make plans or do things with that particular job in the mix. Unless there is spare time you are not using....?
My other suggestion is that you should live alone for maybe two months. Just get away, make space.
Ideally, you could go away every weekend alone for a long period. Take a series of trips. Clear your mind. Make space. Alternatively, stay in town but sublet or similar so that you can be entirely alone for huge chunks of time.
What do you want when everything else quiets down?
I'm wondering if your partner still seems like more circumstance than choice when everything is drained away?
But yeah. That job. I don't know how to parse this without something in that area easing up.
posted by jbenben at 6:59 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
My other suggestion is that you should live alone for maybe two months. Just get away, make space.
Ideally, you could go away every weekend alone for a long period. Take a series of trips. Clear your mind. Make space. Alternatively, stay in town but sublet or similar so that you can be entirely alone for huge chunks of time.
What do you want when everything else quiets down?
I'm wondering if your partner still seems like more circumstance than choice when everything is drained away?
But yeah. That job. I don't know how to parse this without something in that area easing up.
posted by jbenben at 6:59 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you feel chained to your job, but that (because of the wise choice to not have a mortgage in London!) you actually aren't?
Are you making piles of money? Do you have some saved? Quit. The job is making you miserable. Just leave. Travel for a few months. Relax, give yourself a nice, long break.
If you reevaluate after that, I am certain things won't look as dismal.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 7:24 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Are you making piles of money? Do you have some saved? Quit. The job is making you miserable. Just leave. Travel for a few months. Relax, give yourself a nice, long break.
If you reevaluate after that, I am certain things won't look as dismal.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 7:24 AM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree with the others here. Your job is making you miserable. I really believe that you can enjoy any job, no matter what the duties are, if you like and respect the people and the culture. I have seen so many posts here and elsewhere where people landed their dream job (great money! opportunities to advance! looks great on paper! uses my degree!) and are disheartened to find out that the people they're working for (and with) aren't all they were cracked up to be.
You mention hobbies. While I like my job and coworkers, I still need hobbies. I need things to work for, to enjoy, and to advance in that are completely unrelated to my job (or my relationship for that matter). I can get through a hard day of work much easier when I know there's a hooping or dance class waiting for me at the end of it. Having a social life is critical for me too, and the hobbies definitely enhance that.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:34 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
You mention hobbies. While I like my job and coworkers, I still need hobbies. I need things to work for, to enjoy, and to advance in that are completely unrelated to my job (or my relationship for that matter). I can get through a hard day of work much easier when I know there's a hooping or dance class waiting for me at the end of it. Having a social life is critical for me too, and the hobbies definitely enhance that.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:34 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't have specific advice, but I can share an anecdotal observation. Starting in my mid to late thirties, I noticed that my friends who were successful in their careers felt like they were failing because they weren't married with kids -- and my friends who had kids and happy marriages felt like they were failing because they weren't sufficiently successful in their careers.
This seems like a common pattern. In our twenties, we think we can have it all. In our thirties, we decide what to prioritize. In our forties, we start noticing the costs of that decision.
I'm only 43, but looking at my older friends, it seems like the fifties and onward are about making peace with your life choices. This is born out by statistics -- all the surveys I've shown indicate that happiness hits a nadir around age 40, and then steadily increases with every following decade.
I am NOT saying you shouldn't take action to fix the parts of your life that are making you unhappy. I AM saying that you haven't screwed things up as much as you think; that all those friends who seem to be way ahead of you are probably beating themselves up as much as you are; and that the odds are very high that you will be much happier at age 50 than you are now.
Earlier this year, I read a great article on this subject. I posted it to MeFi and there was a terrific thread, with lots of people being very honest about their own experiences. You might find it comforting to read through.
posted by yankeefog at 7:40 AM on October 9, 2015 [22 favorites]
This seems like a common pattern. In our twenties, we think we can have it all. In our thirties, we decide what to prioritize. In our forties, we start noticing the costs of that decision.
I'm only 43, but looking at my older friends, it seems like the fifties and onward are about making peace with your life choices. This is born out by statistics -- all the surveys I've shown indicate that happiness hits a nadir around age 40, and then steadily increases with every following decade.
I am NOT saying you shouldn't take action to fix the parts of your life that are making you unhappy. I AM saying that you haven't screwed things up as much as you think; that all those friends who seem to be way ahead of you are probably beating themselves up as much as you are; and that the odds are very high that you will be much happier at age 50 than you are now.
Earlier this year, I read a great article on this subject. I posted it to MeFi and there was a terrific thread, with lots of people being very honest about their own experiences. You might find it comforting to read through.
posted by yankeefog at 7:40 AM on October 9, 2015 [22 favorites]
Best answer: i felt a bit like that, but later (48). i switched to working half time. it was a very good idea. but obviously, you need to have the savings or the partner (or both, in my case) to make it possible.
(incidentally, you might be surprised at how accommodating your employer is when faced with half-time or losing someone they rely on).
posted by andrewcooke at 8:17 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
(incidentally, you might be surprised at how accommodating your employer is when faced with half-time or losing someone they rely on).
posted by andrewcooke at 8:17 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You say this:
I had clear plans that got derailed and I’ll never get back on track now.
But your post actually sounds very ambiguous, and you haven't mentioned to us at all what those clear plans are. No judgment about that--just that maybe all is not lost as you think.
Do you mean the not buying a place three years ago? That's only something you can say you think was a bad choice in hindsight. You can't know. Maybe the market would have crashed instead, or something else could have come along to necessitate you moving, or you would have broken up. Don't beat yourself up about that if that's the source of your regrets.
I have a friend who once said this to me (at a time when I'd broken up with someone I was sure was the love of my life, but who had been treating me badly; when I was not in graduate school when I really wanted to be and was sure my life would be a failure without it; when the economy was at the worst and everything was poor and hard): "You have to start from where you are, not where you think you should be."
I've held onto that throughout strife and it has been a comfort. The only way to move forward is from where you are now, and that's OK. Don't compare yourself to others, don't compare yourself to some imaginary alternate-universe you who made all of what you now think should have been the right choices. You did the best you could with the imformation and situation you had at the time, which means you made the best choices you could have possibly made. Do not let that looking back to the past keep you from gradually doing the right things for yourself now (whatever those may be), or you'll be doing something that actually is preventable and something you can actually have some cause for regret over. On the other hand, don't beat yourself up over not doing it all right away, or not having done it already. You have time. It's OK, it really is.
posted by spelunkingplato at 10:10 AM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
I had clear plans that got derailed and I’ll never get back on track now.
But your post actually sounds very ambiguous, and you haven't mentioned to us at all what those clear plans are. No judgment about that--just that maybe all is not lost as you think.
Do you mean the not buying a place three years ago? That's only something you can say you think was a bad choice in hindsight. You can't know. Maybe the market would have crashed instead, or something else could have come along to necessitate you moving, or you would have broken up. Don't beat yourself up about that if that's the source of your regrets.
I have a friend who once said this to me (at a time when I'd broken up with someone I was sure was the love of my life, but who had been treating me badly; when I was not in graduate school when I really wanted to be and was sure my life would be a failure without it; when the economy was at the worst and everything was poor and hard): "You have to start from where you are, not where you think you should be."
I've held onto that throughout strife and it has been a comfort. The only way to move forward is from where you are now, and that's OK. Don't compare yourself to others, don't compare yourself to some imaginary alternate-universe you who made all of what you now think should have been the right choices. You did the best you could with the imformation and situation you had at the time, which means you made the best choices you could have possibly made. Do not let that looking back to the past keep you from gradually doing the right things for yourself now (whatever those may be), or you'll be doing something that actually is preventable and something you can actually have some cause for regret over. On the other hand, don't beat yourself up over not doing it all right away, or not having done it already. You have time. It's OK, it really is.
posted by spelunkingplato at 10:10 AM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: You have the accomplishment under your belt. Declare victory and move on to something else - somewhere else - that provides a better life balance.
Seconding this: I moved from a stressful career-y job to a less stressful, less status job (in my eyes, at least). I still feel the same pride and self-esteem from having achieved that position in life, but now I don't have to live the stressful side of it every day.
I had clear plans that got derailed and I’ll never get back on track now.
I'm not clear from your post what your plans were, what derailed them, or why you think you'll never get back on track, which makes me wonder if this is more a general feeling of malaise than a true series of facts about your life. Have you been screened for depression?
I feel for you - I turned 40 last year and it was really shit. Therapy helped (if your want your therapy to help you make changes, be clear about that with your therapist when you first meet) as did antidepressants (YMMV - I've a history of depression so this wasn't a massive step for me), and talking to friends and finding out how many of them were surprised because they thought I really had my shit together and was doing well in life.
posted by penguin pie at 10:47 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seconding this: I moved from a stressful career-y job to a less stressful, less status job (in my eyes, at least). I still feel the same pride and self-esteem from having achieved that position in life, but now I don't have to live the stressful side of it every day.
I had clear plans that got derailed and I’ll never get back on track now.
I'm not clear from your post what your plans were, what derailed them, or why you think you'll never get back on track, which makes me wonder if this is more a general feeling of malaise than a true series of facts about your life. Have you been screened for depression?
I feel for you - I turned 40 last year and it was really shit. Therapy helped (if your want your therapy to help you make changes, be clear about that with your therapist when you first meet) as did antidepressants (YMMV - I've a history of depression so this wasn't a massive step for me), and talking to friends and finding out how many of them were surprised because they thought I really had my shit together and was doing well in life.
posted by penguin pie at 10:47 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Reading a couple of books in particular helped me to ask some very powerful questions of myself and make some life changes, and I recommend them to you: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, and A Life Complete by Sallirae Henderson (this is not a religious book, but it does talk in part about spirituality in a general sense).
Beyond that, I would suggest you really focus on meaning-making, which is going to take extra effort at the start, but will be hugely rewarding as you put the time and energy into it. To do this, ask yourself what you value, enjoy and want to nurture in your life as "supreme concerns." (I ended up with 8: people - primarily my husband and daughter, but also some extended family and friends; wellness of mind and body; creativity; senses mindfulness; exploring; stories; personal space and relaxation; and our business.) When you've chosen your supreme concerns, choose and integrate related activities and behaviors. Do them with mindfulness of both the task and yourself. Do them with energy and focus and faith (you can reevaluate further down the road if you need to). If there's no room in your life for these things, it's time to make room.
I haven't read the other answers here, so I don't know if somebody else addressed this: as an introvert, I find that the more stressed and overwhelmed I feel, the more space I need and the more I withdraw. During these times, it's nearly impossible to nurture my relationships. When I have my life in balance, I find myself able and willing to connect with people more.
Don't waste time on "supposed to" directed at the world or at yourself. Things aren't supposed to go as you like, though sometimes they do. You're not supposed to succeed at the task you set your mind to, though sometimes you will. It's not a script you write, it's an improv. Shucking off expectations can be so freeing. Find what's really important to you, and use that as your guide.
posted by moira at 11:10 AM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Beyond that, I would suggest you really focus on meaning-making, which is going to take extra effort at the start, but will be hugely rewarding as you put the time and energy into it. To do this, ask yourself what you value, enjoy and want to nurture in your life as "supreme concerns." (I ended up with 8: people - primarily my husband and daughter, but also some extended family and friends; wellness of mind and body; creativity; senses mindfulness; exploring; stories; personal space and relaxation; and our business.) When you've chosen your supreme concerns, choose and integrate related activities and behaviors. Do them with mindfulness of both the task and yourself. Do them with energy and focus and faith (you can reevaluate further down the road if you need to). If there's no room in your life for these things, it's time to make room.
I haven't read the other answers here, so I don't know if somebody else addressed this: as an introvert, I find that the more stressed and overwhelmed I feel, the more space I need and the more I withdraw. During these times, it's nearly impossible to nurture my relationships. When I have my life in balance, I find myself able and willing to connect with people more.
Don't waste time on "supposed to" directed at the world or at yourself. Things aren't supposed to go as you like, though sometimes they do. You're not supposed to succeed at the task you set your mind to, though sometimes you will. It's not a script you write, it's an improv. Shucking off expectations can be so freeing. Find what's really important to you, and use that as your guide.
posted by moira at 11:10 AM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Are you able to take a vacation from both your boyfriend, your home, and your job? Could you negotiate this without any negativity creeping in to the conversations with each one? Because if you can do this - for longer than just a couple of weeks, mind you - this needs to be a soul search. Do it for yourself. You may find that this is exactly the life that you want to return to and you will be much better able to embrace it, or alternatively, you will realize what changes you need to make in your life that will help you feel more at peace with yourself and life in general.
posted by itsflyable at 5:13 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by itsflyable at 5:13 PM on October 9, 2015
I've been here and it sucks. So I will acknowledge right off the bat, yeah you're in a rough spot mentally. I said almost the exact same stuff word for word in my head and it feels awful. Unpacking it a bit:
I feel like there’s just nothing worth aiming for.
Ok, and that might be ok for now. I know we're used to push, push, pushing all the time to reach ever higher peaks, but for real - it is ok to take a break and look around for a minute. You don't have to have a next peak you're looking to climb just yet. It's not a race.
I had clear plans that got derailed and I’ll never get back on track now.
Ok. Are those plans still relevant?
In which, I mean: are they actually, really things you'd still want to achieve if you could? I realized when I was going through this that some of the dreams were old dreams - dreams from another version of me, not the current version of me, and ones that wouldn't actually fit me if I achieved them now.
I’ve become really bitter and resentful and I find it painful to be around people who actually saw their ambitions through.
Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides. For real. I have a friend who envies my career. I envy the fact that she has the flexibility to care for her father in ways that I can't care for my own father. It's all tradeoffs (similar to what yankeefog mentioned above).
I feel tired and defeated all the time and I don’t know what to do.
Definitely time to take a step back, as others have mentioned. You don't have to quit your job and sit in silent meditation for hours on end. Just a long weekend alone would probably do you some good - you need some time to focus on yourself and your inner voice. What is it telling you?
If you could do anything - ANYTHING in the world, what would you do?
What are the things preventing you from doing that?
If they are truly insurmountable, what is the closest you can come to doing that thing?
Just play with these questions in your mind and see where they take you.
posted by RogueTech at 1:39 AM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I feel like there’s just nothing worth aiming for.
Ok, and that might be ok for now. I know we're used to push, push, pushing all the time to reach ever higher peaks, but for real - it is ok to take a break and look around for a minute. You don't have to have a next peak you're looking to climb just yet. It's not a race.
I had clear plans that got derailed and I’ll never get back on track now.
Ok. Are those plans still relevant?
In which, I mean: are they actually, really things you'd still want to achieve if you could? I realized when I was going through this that some of the dreams were old dreams - dreams from another version of me, not the current version of me, and ones that wouldn't actually fit me if I achieved them now.
I’ve become really bitter and resentful and I find it painful to be around people who actually saw their ambitions through.
Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides. For real. I have a friend who envies my career. I envy the fact that she has the flexibility to care for her father in ways that I can't care for my own father. It's all tradeoffs (similar to what yankeefog mentioned above).
I feel tired and defeated all the time and I don’t know what to do.
Definitely time to take a step back, as others have mentioned. You don't have to quit your job and sit in silent meditation for hours on end. Just a long weekend alone would probably do you some good - you need some time to focus on yourself and your inner voice. What is it telling you?
If you could do anything - ANYTHING in the world, what would you do?
What are the things preventing you from doing that?
If they are truly insurmountable, what is the closest you can come to doing that thing?
Just play with these questions in your mind and see where they take you.
posted by RogueTech at 1:39 AM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm roughly your age, and from speaking with friends, this is a relatively common experience. I think it's just a combination of our age and the way most careers inevitably slow down at this time; I can't cite a specific source but I'm sure Derren Brown said he uses this feeling in his "mind-reading" act - i.e. everyone feels like this in their forties, but everyone thinks it's something specific to them and so is amazed when he highlights it ;)
As for riding it out or making a change - I don't know, but certainly give both decent consideration, and don't dismiss any options out of hand. You'll undoubtedly be pleasantly surprised at what you're capable of, or what you can let go of, in order to change your circumstances for the better.
posted by DancingYear at 4:33 PM on October 10, 2015
As for riding it out or making a change - I don't know, but certainly give both decent consideration, and don't dismiss any options out of hand. You'll undoubtedly be pleasantly surprised at what you're capable of, or what you can let go of, in order to change your circumstances for the better.
posted by DancingYear at 4:33 PM on October 10, 2015
Best answer: I'm turning 40 in February and have found myself in a similar situation professionally. At first , I started looking for a new position in my field and then I realized that I needed to dig a lot deeper to find what the root cause of my dissatisfaction really was. I realized it was more than my current position - it was my profession. I made a conscious decision to listen more to my gut rather than my head (which was long on shoulds and really short on cans). I figured out that what would make me most happy from here on out was a job that allowed me to do what I enjoyed and gave me time to pursue other things on the side. Still a work in progress, but it's made a big difference already.
Also, this article gave me a lot of insight.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 9:13 PM on October 10, 2015
Also, this article gave me a lot of insight.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 9:13 PM on October 10, 2015
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You may find it's too much, and then you might have to make some downsizing career choices, but it may give you a few things: 1. Something other than work to focus on. 2. Time away from your partner (if he's the only person you interact with regularly in person, having some other people to see all the time would be good).
posted by xingcat at 6:44 AM on October 9, 2015