How do I know if this engagement ring is good enough?
October 8, 2015 10:27 AM   Subscribe

On the weekend my mother gave me her engagement ring to propose to my Girlfriend with. What worries me is that the diamond isn't large enough.

A jeweler I talked to said that the diamond is 0.06 carats in size - that seems rather small to me. Her parents already think I am the antichrist as it is. A 0.06 carat diamond? Is that too small?

The problem is that I'm not even employed right now - I am a college student - and she hasn't been able to find full-time employment. Clearly we don't have a lot of money to work with right now, and I'd really like to propose, but not with a subpar ring :(
posted by 8LeggedFriend to Human Relations (66 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
If your girlfriend loves you, the size of the diamond doesn't matter. If the size of the diamond matters to her parents, then her parents are loathsome, terrible people.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:29 AM on October 8, 2015 [105 favorites]


This makes me very sad. The size of the diamond does not matter. I have my grandmother's wedding rings and I can't even SEE the diamond, it's so small. They were married for decades.
posted by harrietthespy at 10:30 AM on October 8, 2015 [45 favorites]


There's nothing here that MeFi can answer without knowing what matters to your girlfriend. Speak to her about what her expectations are instead.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 10:31 AM on October 8, 2015 [24 favorites]


There is no such thing as a subpar ring. Don't be a tool of the diamond industry.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:31 AM on October 8, 2015 [50 favorites]


Has your girlfriend herself given you any reason to think she wants a particular size of diamond? I mean if her parents hate you, they'll hate you regardless of the size of the stone so it's really what makes her happy.
posted by griphus at 10:31 AM on October 8, 2015 [10 favorites]


If you'll forgive me being blunt - any woman who is upset about the size of the ring (and an heirloom ring at that!) isn't really worth pledging your life to. There are so many more important things in the world to spend your money on than a shiny rock.

There is no standard size for an engagement ring (and bear in mind also that the whole "diamonds are forever" thing is a wildly successful marketing ploy foisted on us by the diamond industry, to sell us diamonds). Many, many people don't even have diamonds.

If she loves you, she'll love the ring. If she doesn't love the ring because of the size of the stone, then you and she need to have a long talk about what your shared values are.
posted by anastasiav at 10:32 AM on October 8, 2015 [38 favorites]


Her parents already think I am the antichrist as it is.

Trust me, if you gave her the Hope Diamond they would not magically change their minds about this.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:38 AM on October 8, 2015 [62 favorites]


Her parents already think I am the antichrist as it is.

Sounds like you could drop 50k on a ring and this wouldn't change.

Agreeing with those who say you should already have a good idea what the person you want to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with would want. If you asked my partner about this, he'd know right away that I don't like diamonds, don't wear rings, and would prefer a deposit in our house downpayment fund instead. However, if he gave me his mother's ring, I would be honoured to wear it.

Neither of you is employed full time and you're still in school? Sounds like it might not be a great time to be spending tons of cash anyway.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:41 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Honestly, screw the parents.
You're not marrying them, you are marrying their daughter.
SHE is the person you are going to be forming a bond with and spending your life with.
If she's cool with it, then you should be cool with it.
If she's NOT cool with it, then you better have a Come to Jesus with yourself about whether or not she is the person you should be marrying.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:41 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


maybe hold off proposing for a while?

- with more time you'll understand what your girlfriend wants (and what her parents want, if that's important to her).

- a bit later down the line you'll have more money.

- the whole question makes me thing that maybe it would be better to live a while more before making such a big decision.
posted by andrewcooke at 10:41 AM on October 8, 2015 [25 favorites]


Also, if the parents' approval of the ring is a Big Deal, keep in kind they can spin "large(r) diamond" as "spends what little money he has frivolously" just as easily as they can spin "small diamond" as "not a good provider" (or whatever it is the size of the diamond is supposed to signify about you as a husband, I'm honestly not entirely clear on that part.)
posted by griphus at 10:43 AM on October 8, 2015 [8 favorites]


Your decision would convey to me, as a woman
- that you understand the emotional value of heirloom things - very romantic!
- that you are thrifty and don't blow bucks on dumb things
posted by Omnomnom at 10:45 AM on October 8, 2015 [24 favorites]


Your girlfriend can love you and want to marry you and not love the ring (and there are lots of reasons someone might not like a ring other than the diamond, not to add new things for you to worry about). If you are on the same page about getting married, propose with the ring, but sometime well after your proposal let her know that if it's not the ring she wants to wear everyday for life, that down the road when you two are more financially stable you can pick a new one together.

PS - her parents' opinion is not important.
posted by cecic at 10:48 AM on October 8, 2015 [27 favorites]


My diamond is not big. I love everything about it and what it symbolizes. I love that my (now) husband (!) had to go to a diamond store on his own and learnt about carats and clarity.
I love that even though he doesn't make that much money, he picked a ring that he thought I would love, something that suited my tastes.

In the great scheme of things, rings that are handed down are less showy than rings of today.

The gesture is the thing that matters, if she loves you, she will love the ring.
posted by JenThePro at 10:49 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


You're unemployed. If you got your girlfriend a big damn ring you'd look like a fucking idiot to her parents anyway.

BUT. What does your girlfriend want? Does she have thoughts about this, what kind of jewelry does she like, does this kind of symbolism have positive or negative associations for her? Does she want to be engaged now?

Those are the important questions and we, in our internet magnificence, cannot answer any of them.
posted by French Fry at 10:51 AM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


Also, the third thing your choice of ring would convey to me is that my future mother in law fully accepts me.
All three things bode well for a marriage!
posted by Omnomnom at 10:52 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


The fact that it's your mother's ring will overcome any lack in the ring itself.

Don't worry -- it'll be beautiful.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:52 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


You know what, I'm going to disagree with a lot of people here. That ring may not be good enough to your girlfriend. You will know if this engagement ring is good enough by asking your girlfriend what kind of ring she wants. It's as simple as that. Some women DO want larger diamonds or modern styles of rings, and that's okay - but you need to know what your girlfriend wants before you can decide if this particular ring is the right one.
posted by joan_holloway at 10:53 AM on October 8, 2015 [42 favorites]


BUT. What does your girlfriend want? Does she have thoughts about this, what kind of jewelry does she like, does this kind of symbolism have positive or negative associations for her?

This. I personally would be creeped out at being offered my mother-in-law's engagement ring, even though I know it's a time-honoured tradition. Personally, I'd rather go with no engagement ring.
posted by Amy NM at 10:53 AM on October 8, 2015 [18 favorites]


Don't worry that you are not sure exactly what her preferences might be. A lot of people don't like diamonds at all. If she does have traditional sentiments about this kind of thing, then being proposed to with your mother's ring is a really big honor.

As to the size of the diamond, don't waste any time on that. Those high numbers you see on engagement rings for sale are often for "total carat weight" which includes a number of little pieces. A diamond the size you have can be very pretty.
posted by BibiRose at 10:55 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


A family ring - if you have one to give - is much suitable than a new-bought one, and people who don't know that are vulgarians.

Give her the family ring now. When you get to your ten year anniversary or some other point where you're significantly better off and can throw money around on jewelry, give her a really nice anniversary ring (or a bracelet or necklace if that's what she'd prefer) chosen to her taste. Or - and this is another possibility - when you're better off, have a jeweler take the gold and the stone from this ring and incorporate them into a fancier one. If your wife is really into having nice wedding-related jewelry, this is what I'd do.

It's....I don't know, more comme il faut to do things modestly now than to splash out on something silly just to splash out.
posted by Frowner at 10:57 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


[Er, I meant "culturally suitable", like it's an appropriate thing to do, not "more suitable as a ring to every bride". A family ring that your fiancee hates would be a bad idea even if it came over on the Mayflower!]
posted by Frowner at 10:58 AM on October 8, 2015


This is my engagement ring. White gold, sapphire in the middle with diamonds on the sides.

I love it. It's small, and it's perfect.

I think your mother giving you her ring is beautiful. I wear a wedding ring on my right hand that my mother-in-law gave to my husband for me. It's been in my father-in-law's family for three or four generations. I enjoy having it, even though it's not my wedding ring. If it had been given to me before we were married (and my husband did have it for three years before we were married but put it somewhere so safe he forgot where), it might have been.

I honestly think she will be focused more on your question than she will be on the ring.
posted by zizzle at 11:02 AM on October 8, 2015


A woman could love you and be devoted to you forever and still rather choose her own engagement ring rather than want to wear her mother in law's ring. I agree with the folks who've said you should ask her.

Note that it is perfectly ok to propose with a modest ring if that's what your finances dictate, and if you know she'd prefer something fancy, decide together that you'll upgrade when it makes sense for your new family's finances. It's not the modesty of the ring you've got that I think could be the problem. It's that it is not a ring she's chosen; and it's a loaded situation, because to admit she doesn't like it (if she doesn't) is going to offend your mom. I think you should keep your mom's ring out of it, honestly. If, once you've discussed it, you find out your gf is set on a giant diamond that you can't afford, that's a whole different problem.

What her parents think about her choice of ring doesn't come into it at all.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:03 AM on October 8, 2015 [14 favorites]


Talk to your girlfriend about the kind of ring she wants. If you haven't already talked to her about the possibility of you proposing, this is a good way to bring it up!
posted by chaiminda at 11:03 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Well, here's the thing. Yes, it shouldn't matter what size the stone is on the ring. But to some people it really DOES matter. I mean, if a woman has had an idea of her perfect ring - and this presumably would be a ring she would own her whole life and would treasure and wear - it is best to find that out now. I have friends who are quite happily married and are great together. The bride of the couple did have a specific stipulation on what kind of engagement ring she wanted. Luckily, she and the groom talked about it and he knew to save up for the perfect ring.

So, I would ask her what she is looking for in an engagement ring, if she has had any built-up expectations already. Do this before you mention your mother's ring.
posted by jillithd at 11:09 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


What kind of ring does she want? If she wants your mother's ring, fantastic. If she doesn't, then don't propose with it. The kind of ring won't determine whether she wants to marry you so why not try to get her a ring that she will love and enjoy?
posted by Stynxno at 11:10 AM on October 8, 2015


My dad proposed to my mom with a Cracker Jack box ring. They invested in better bands later. Total non-issue. Unless you know your lady is gonna care about the diamond size, I think that if you're pretty sure she'll say yes, go with love and may you have a wonderful proposal experience.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:13 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


I have a big flashy engagement ring and a big flashy wedding band - they are gorgeous. This $16 Silicone Wedding Band is what I wear everyday.

I'm just as married and just as cherished as a wife wearing a $16 dollar ring - or no ring at all.

The diamond in your mom's ring is small, but it's fine. If your fiancée doesn't like it, then you have a lifetime together to pick another ring.
posted by 26.2 at 11:19 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Yeah, please just ask her what she wants. If you can't have a discussion about this sort of thing, that's a much bigger issue than her ring preference. Are you worried that tipping her off that you're asking will ruin the surprise? Maybe consider if engagement really -should- be a surprise.

Can we please lay off the "any woman who has any ring preferences is a slave to marketing and not worth marrying"? Not everyone has a great relationship with their in-laws. If my fiancé had presented me his mother's ring, I would still have said yes, but I would have resented the ring and what it represented in our particular situation.
posted by almostmanda at 11:21 AM on October 8, 2015 [33 favorites]


Have you spoken to your girlfriend about what kind of ring she wants? Do you know how she feels about diamonds, engagement rings, heirloom jewelry, or jewelry in general? Does she want to be involved in the ring buying process or would she rather be surprised?

No one on the Internet is going to give you the right answer, as you can see.

I proposed with my grandmother's ring (white gold, teeny tiny diamond). My now-wife and I are not fans of the diamond industry but I liked the idea of proposing with a family heirloom. She loved it, my parents loved it, everyone wins.

One of our other friends wanted an engagement ring with tons of huge diamonds. This was important to her. She got her wish and she's now happily engaged.

Someone else we know proposed with a ring that they both designed over the course of many months. The ring is beautiful. They wanted to create their own heirloom ring since neither family had one to pass down to them.

Three different stories with a common thread: everyone communicated what they wanted and worked together to make it happen.
posted by Diskeater at 11:22 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm going against the tide - that is a really small diamond.

Unless she loves the setting / sentiment, go to a used place and you can get a larger one for not so expensive, depending on the quality of the diamond. Or upgrade later as others have said.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:23 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


Okay, I am going to go against the grain here. This is anecdata, but my ex husband, who was a student at the time, proposed to me with a ring his mother bought (not her own). The diamond was smaller than the ring you are describing - around .05 of a carat. I loved him, but I hated that ring. If he had paid for it himself, I don't think I would have blinked an eye over wearing it, but the fact that it came from his mother, and the stone was small, made it seem like that's how much she valued me (not how much he did). And it didn't help that she would often remind me - especially among other people - that she had picked out the ring. And trust me, she didn't wear any half-carat stones. I would rather have had a pretty ring he had chosen with a non-gemstone or no stone than that ring that (again, to me) announced to the world that his family didn't think I merited a bigger diamond. It wasn't his fault - he didn't know any better.

Is this an heirloom ring, or is it meaningful to you and your mom in some way that seeing your girlfriend wearing it would be important to you? If so, then the stone size probably doesn't matter, as others have said. But if not, then I would propose without a ring and pick something together with your girlfriend that you can afford and that suits her taste.

I'm seeing a lot of pushback in this thread about the diamond industry and how true love means never having to say "wow, is that an iceberg!". And that's definitely true. Assuming you love each other, the diamond size shouldn't matter all that much. But it's also true that a lot of people do believe that the size of the stone matters culturally, or is important to them. And if your girlfriend is one of those people, making her feel ashamed because she's not supposed to care isn't a great way to propose. I'm not advocating spending more than you can afford to get a huge rock. But if you look over previous questions here about surprising girlfriends with a ring, you'll see how often the prevailing answers are along the lines of "use a placeholder ring or no ring, then let her pick something out that she likes later."

I don't know what sort of stone, if any, your girlfriend is expecting. But if you're worried, the best person (if not the only person) to ask, is her.
posted by my left sock at 11:23 AM on October 8, 2015 [19 favorites]


As a possibility, you can absolutely present her with this ring and suggest at some point in the future, you can get her another one. People do that.

Also, it's better for the world to use an existing ring than to buy a new one.
posted by zizzle at 11:25 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


I was delighted with my hand-me-down engagement ring where diamonds are so tiny you can barely see them. They're also cut the old-fashioned way so they aren't nearly as shiny as modern ones the same size. Mr. Machine and I were both white collar professionals making comfortably into the six digits.

In contrast, my cousin and her fiance were working as tellers in a bank, and she got a brand new $20,000 ring.

My cousin and I are both happy with our rings.

Side note: size ain't everything on diamonds. Color, clarity, and cut all make a huuuuuuuge difference in how a diamond looks. Your fiancee may find certain other aspects of the traditional evaluation criteria for diamonds more important -- my mother, for example, delights in jewelry. She'll take a gorgeously cut colorless VVS1 half-carat over a shoddily-cut, unattractively colored VS2 that is four times bigger any day of the week.
posted by joyceanmachine at 11:38 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


What her parents think of you is a separate issue entirely. You'll need to address it at some point, but it's got nothing to do with rings.

If your girlfriend is disappointed at the size of the diamond, it doesn't automatically make her shallow or a golddigger. There's a lot of cultural baggage around engagement rings, and it's entirely possible for someone to hate the concept of engagement rings/the diamond industry/etc. yet still want a big rock. Engagements and weddings and all their trappings can bring out a lot of irrational and sometimes conflicting feelings.

That said, if she's worth the engagement, she'll handle any disappointment with grace, because she'll know the ring is not what's important. Because she'd rather have you than the ring of her dreams.

I'm personally not a fan of proposing with family members' rings. It feels like someone else is reaching into your relationship. And if the ring isn't a style she likes (styles change, and a ring that looked elegant a generation ago may look dated now), she'll have to make the choice between wearing a ring she dislikes or upsetting your mother. Note that disliking a ring isn't necessarily about carat weight or expense; it's often things like a swirly, ornate design versus a clean, straightforward one, or a stone with a high sticky-outy setting versus a low-profile one.

I am a hundred percent in favor of proposing with a cheap, obviously-a-placeholder ring and letting her pick out her "real" ring, within your budget of course. You maintain the element of surprise, and she gets a ring she loves. She might not want an expensive ring or any ring at all.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:39 AM on October 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


Well, Duchess Catherine has Wills' mother Diana's ring and is happy with it. Plus, it's a gorgeous ring. Personally, I'd say wait until you can get her a ring of her own. Offer the ring as a promise ring that she means something to you, as a promise that when you can, you will get her an engagement ring she'll love.
posted by lunastellasol at 11:55 AM on October 8, 2015


Q: How do I know if this engagement ring is good enough?
A: Ask your future wife what she values in an engagement ring. Maybe even show it to her (or show her pictures of similar rings) if she would like that. Here are some starter questions:

How involved does she want to be in the decision: Some women prefer that their fiance choose their engagement ring and surprise them. Others prefer to provide ideas/direction/suggestions. Finally, others prefer to make the choice together with their future husbands (that was me!). This is the most important question for choosing a ring, and will continue to be important for every other big decision you will make for the rest of your life.

Usage: Does she imagine wearing her engagement ring every day, or does she imagine wearing just her wedding band after you get married? If she wants to wear her engagement ring daily, it makes sense to get a smaller stone/simpler band. If not, you may prefer a more ornate ring.

History: Brand new, symbolizing your new union? Or antique, symbolizing that your relationship is taking its place in history? Or a middle ground - maybe a brand new ring made by a classic designer/in a classic design?

Stone: Does she want a diamond at any cost, an ethical diamond, a manufactured diamond that removes cost/ethical concerns, or another stone with meaning to her?

Metal: Does she prefer gold, platinum, white gold, rose gold, sterling silver, titanium?

Cost: Since you're getting married soon and will likely share finances, you're basically spending HER money on a new ring. How comfortable is she spending money on a ring?

What other people think: An engagement ring is inherently a public, visible way of stating "I'm coupled off!" (It often has other meanings, but that's the #1.) People will look for it when they find out she's engaged. Does she want something sparkly & obvious, or more understated & organic? (Please don't judge her for considering this. There are lots of times that we make decisions based on the opinions of family and friends, and that's not a bad thing. It shouldn't be the deciding factor, but this is a valid factor to consider if it's important to her.)
posted by samthemander at 12:03 PM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


I don't particularly care for my MIL (ok, I can't stand her) and would have been repulsed by being proposed to with her ring. That is just one data point for you. I actually never did get an engagement ring and didn't get a wedding ring for about 15 years. Not everyone cares about what you think they care about. In retrospect, I was much happier not having any ring at all than I would have been being proposed to with my MIL's ring. Brrr. Ugh. I have chills right now thinking about it. Gah. No.

So.....another thing to consider, even if you do decide the size of the stone is ok, is what kind of relationship your mother and your gf have. I would cherish anything my bf picked out for me but would not cherish something given to him by someone else to give to me.
posted by the webmistress at 12:11 PM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


Mod note: Couple of comments deleted, typo about ring size fixed.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:24 PM on October 8, 2015


Just an anecdote.

My parents got engaged when they were both still broke college students, and married shortly after college when they were both broke adults with no money and no credit because it was the 70s and this was before companies threw credit at you just for being alive. The diamond in my mom's ring was very, very, VERY small.

For their 25th wedding anniversary my dad was like, hey, why we buy you a nice big ring, the ring I wanted to give you when we were kids, now that we can afford it. And my mom was initially pretty upset, because even though it was small it was hers, theirs, and had done a perfectly fine job of being a ring for the last quarter of a century. But she eventually got over it. The original ring lives in a very nice box on the only uncluttered part of her dresser and the ridiculously showy one lives on her finger. That was 13 years ago.

My point is, the small ring is wonderful and fine. But the small ring also doesn't have to be the one true ring to end all rings. You'll have years and years and years together where, when you're in a better financial situation, if you want to, you can upgrade.
posted by phunniemee at 12:38 PM on October 8, 2015


My amazing wife (then girlfriend) and I went shopping for a ring together. I wanted to spend more on the ring than she expected. She flat out told me - "I'd rather spend less on a ring and more on a house together in a better neighborhood!"

You are moving to a point where you share finances. The two of you should ask yourselves what you intend to spend on a host of items (tuition/loans/credit cards/car/house) and see if it all makes sense to spend more on a large ring.

I agree with so many posts above. Do this kind of shopping together, and as part of a larger, joint, financial plan.
posted by Colonel Sun at 12:43 PM on October 8, 2015


I agree with everyone who says the ring is not important. Don't shop for it together if you have your mother's ring.

The fact that her parents think you are the anti-Christ, though, is a red flag that maybe you should not be giving a ring to anyone right yet.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:51 PM on October 8, 2015


Faint of Butt nailed it with the first comment. And besides, there's more to a diamond's value than just the size.

As it happens, the diamond I bought my then-bride-to-be was not the largest, but that's in part because it was a marquis cut, which she likes, and accompanied by sapphires, which she likes.

Your mother's ring has great personal and sentimental value and your giving it to her strikes me as a powerful symbol of your commitment to make her part of your family for good and all. Your fianceé should be thrilled with it, and if her parents aren't, they are not nice people.
posted by Gelatin at 1:05 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Look, just because the ring is not important to most of the commenters here doesn't mean it's not important to your girlfriend. And she's the one who's important. I'm anti-big-diamond myself (even kind of anti-diamond in general), and if my boyfriend proposed to me with a ring that cost thousands of dollars I would be furious. But it's also hard for me to imagine him doing that because we're just generally on the same page about this kind of stuff.

Plenty of other women see a big ring as an important indicator that you are serious about the relationship and your ability to support a family going forward. If your girlfriend is looking for that kind of indicator, and wants to be in the kind of relationship where a big ring is part of the deal, then she might be disappointed.

TL;DR - don't listen to us, think about your relationship with your girlfriend and what her expectations are around rings and relationships and whether those line up with your expectations.
posted by mskyle at 1:08 PM on October 8, 2015 [7 favorites]


So, I have two comments on this.

1. For me, receiving a small heirloom ring would be meaningful and perfect. Too me, large diamonds look gaudy and showy and I like delicate, subtle looking jewelry. It would mean a lot to me to receive something with this history.

2. Not all women share this preference. It may well be that (almost) all mefites share this preference, and it may even be that it's the morally, ethically and aesthetically correct preference. Have a low pressure conversation with your girlfriend about what her preferences are. (Please, do this!) If her preferences are to have something new, that's fine. If she wants a bigger diamond and that's important to her, I think that's fine too - Talk about what's important to you and feasible for you financially. If she cares about it particularly, can you give her this or another modest ring and then when you are employed, out of college, and financially comfortable, buy a ring she likes at that point?

Anyway, it sounds lovely.
posted by mermily at 1:14 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


The ring may be incredibly important to your girlfriend. She's the one who you want to please, not us here commenting on Metafilter. You should ask her how she feels about small diamonds, heirloom rings, however you want to put it. Do what SHE wants.
posted by all about eevee at 1:31 PM on October 8, 2015


I'm sure the ring is beautiful but I'll just offer that you can propose with that ring and then go ring shopping together and pick out something that really suits her. It's a piece of jewelry that she will probably wear everyday until you get married and possibly longer (I still wear my engagement ring and I've been married for six years). I think you should aim to get something that she loves without spending a ton of money. Maybe that means a ring that doesn't scream engagement ring. Maybe that doesn't mean a ring. But if you want her to wear it everyday and love wearing it, she should probably have some say in picking it out, unless she absolutely loves the ring you have.

And obviously, not loving the ring you have doesn't mean she's a bad person. Some people also act like this regarding wedding dresses. I loved my mother but I would not have wanted to wear her wedding dress. It's not me. I'm not saying that her dress was ugly and my dress was gorgeous but her dress was right for her and my dress was right for me. Same thing applies to rings, in my opinion.
posted by kat518 at 2:17 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


If she loves you, she'll love the ring.

This is kind of hefty baggage to put on someone. I know this is a topic where people have a lot of strong opinions and judgments, but it's also a thing where once again, women are doing something wrong (and are held up for derision) no matter what they do.

As others have wisely noted, there could be any number of reasons the ring doesn't suit your girlfriend having nothing to do with whether and how much she loves you. It may well be a very sweet gesture by your mother, and your girlfriend may love it, or she may prefer to pick her own ring or forego a ring entirely. This is a discussion you both should have together.
posted by JenMarie at 3:06 PM on October 8, 2015 [20 favorites]


Would it be possible for you to post a picture of this ring? I love jewelry and stones myself but will tell you sincerely that a little diamond in a beautiful vintage setting may work just wonderfully for now. I'd also watch your beloved's face when she gets the ring and if you have any misgivings, talk to her about something more modern/big later.

I have smiled at a lot of the diamond snark here but I see no reason why a woman can't long for a larger stone without being morally dubious. Engagement rings are meaningful to a lot of people, not least because of the value of the stone. (I have a friend who was able to flee her country using her jewelry.) But I am sure she will understand if this ring is small, just as I'm sure that later, if it matters to her, you will be able to give her something more substantial. Maybe as an anniversary ring, for example.
posted by bearwife at 3:15 PM on October 8, 2015


Another vote for discuss it with her. There are as many opinions about wedding rings as there are brides and grooms. You're going to need to get good at taking each other's opinions and wishes into account when you make decisions, now is a great time to start.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 3:17 PM on October 8, 2015


This is not the same situation, but... When my grandmother heard we were looking for an engagement ring, she gave me her engagement ring from her ex-husband, my mother's father. It was a sweet gesture, but it was a souvenir of a failed marriage and the ring wasn't what I wanted. The setting was quite ugly, made to give the appearance of a larger than an 0.08 carat diamond but didn't. She said i could have the diamond reset, but it was really way too small as I knew I wanted a solitaire. I did choose my ring, a modest .33 carat, which was within our budget. I've been wearing it for over 40 years.
posted by Linnee at 3:42 PM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Getting engaged is weird, in that if you're not ready to talk about stuff like ring expectations, you're probably not ready to get engaged, and yet our culture has this weird thing about surprise proposals.

So, yeah, all of this is something you're going to want to talk to your girlfriend about, even if it seems not in the spirit of the thing. Proposing out of the clear blue sky is a myth.
posted by Sara C. at 3:54 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


What does your girlfriend think? That's all that counts. Really. You can still surprise her with a proposal but don't spring a family gift on her with no notice.

As a counterpoint to the "aww, family heirloom" crowd, I would argue that a ring belonging to one's future mother-in-law is not necessarily a beloved antique. If you are in your early/mid 20s, if this ring was new to your mother at the time of her engagement it's probably not as charmingly old-fashioned as some might imagine it to be.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you feel obliged to take this "gift" from your mother but when you look at it you know it's not right for your fiancé. You don't want to be churlish about a diamond but it's not sitting right with you. It's not just about size and I think you know it.
posted by stowaway at 4:22 PM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


Even if you aren't particularly materialistic, you could have a lot of issues with a mother in law's 0.06 carat diamond ring:

- You could think it's weird to reuse a ring that was given so recently (and potentially for a failed marriage or a starter ring?) It's not like the ring has been in the family for generations.
- You could think it's morbid to receive a hand me down ring.
- You could be only into really really modern jewelry and totally hate the style of this ring.
- You could feel embarrassed because you work in an overachieving type of field with a lot of very well-heeled people who gossip a lot.
- You could feel that diamonds are a horrible and demeaning tradition made up by DeBeers and best left in the past.
- You could think a tiny diamond looks ridiculous on your big fat fingers.
- You could find a reused gift to be a little bit thoughtless, considering your favorite stone is a sapphire and all your jewelry is in another color gold.

Etc.

I think the best thing is to ask a female friend of hers what she would like or expect (assuming you are not asking your girlfriend herself because you would like to maintain the element of surprise). There are also tons of reasons (stated above for the most part) that your intended would find it to be the most perfect and romantic thing in the entire world.
posted by shownomercy at 7:01 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Whether or not the ring is "good" enough is not the question to focus on. The ring really does not matter. The wedding really does not matter. It's the marriage that matters.

I'm going to go against what a lot of people upthread said - her parents' feelings absolutely matter. These are people that you are going to be either spending a lot of your time with in the future, or a lot of time and emotional energy feuding with in the future. These are the people you will be visiting on holidays. These are the people who will be watching your kids, or wishing would acknowledge your kids, or wish would stop comparing your kids to their other grandchildren.

This is their daughter. They love her. They want the best for her. They do not want her marrying some broke college student. They want her marrying a guy a few years down the road, with an established and promising career ahead of him. Someone who will be able to buy a house for their daughter and their grandchildren to live in, not someone who will hole them up in some crappy one bedroom apartment in a neighborhood where the car gets broken into on the regular. Someone who can afford a vacation once in a while. Someone who can afford to put the kids into soccer, and ballet lessons, and summer camp.

You've loved her for, what, a year or two? They've loved her since before she was even conceived. So, in that context, yes, the ring matters, because it is a symbol and an indication of the life you intend to provide for their daughter and her children.

Money is not what matters, but your intentions for your life, and your ability to achieve those goals does matter. That's what you need to think about, and show your girlfriend and her parents. If you have a good plan for your future, and they are on board, you can absolutely give your girlfriend a lovely heirloom piece of jewelry and explain that it belonged to your favorite grandmother. But don't give it to her because you're broke and the only thing you could afford was something that your mom gave you. If that's really your only option, you really need to think about waiting to propose. Maybe you can give it to her as a promise ring.
posted by vignettist at 9:50 PM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


What worries me is that the diamond isn't large enough.

It's not the ring, it's the sentiment. Don't worry about the cost of the ring. It's a symbol, that's all. A more expensive ring would not be a better symbol.

Plus, it's a family heirloom with sentimental value. That's worth something. A lot. More than a big diamond.

A jeweler I talked to said that the diamond is 0.06 carats in size - that seems rather small to me. Her parents already think I am the antichrist as it is. A 0.06 carat diamond? Is that too small?

If they hate you, the cost of the ring is not going to change that. This isn't about them. It's about you and your gf.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:48 PM on October 8, 2015


I hope parents will judge potential spouses on how they treat their child, not on how big the ring is. That said, does your girlfriend value big diamonds, maybe as a way to show you can provide for her? Is that what her parents worry about? Do they think it's too soon for you to marry considering your age, income, level of maturity etc.?

My mother never even had an engagement ring, and mine is 22$ with with fake stones because I don't want or need any jewels with blood on them. My boyfriend said once he makes more money, he'd get me a better ring, but I love with one. My parents don't care. His probably care more and worry about me not being satisfied, but I love their son and value taking vacations with him over a ring I might lose. Plus, I feel like I'd have to get him something in return and he already has a watch.

Talk to your girlfriend. Talk to her parents if you can. If you cannot talk to her about this, how will you talk about bigger things during the marriage?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:54 AM on October 9, 2015


Most parents love their daughters and are reasonable toward future sons (or daughters) in law. Some aren't. Some parents hate their child's partner for being of the "wrong" sex, religion, race, ethnicity, et cetera. Some parents disagree with their children about what is important in a spouse. Some parents just don't get along with their in-law children for reasons that are nobody's fault, like personality or political clashes. On the other hand, sometimes parents hate their child's partner for good reasons. Why her parents hate you matters here.
posted by Anne Neville at 4:50 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


As for the ring, ask her. She's going to be the one wearing it, her opinion is the only one that really counts here.

Worst case, she is a terrible person and conforms to all the stereotypes about women who want a "big rock". Next worst case, she's not a terrible person, but you and she have such different values, tastes, and such, that you really aren't compatible long-term. Before you get married or invest time and money in planning a wedding is the best time to find this out, if it's true. Money you spend on wedding planning may or may not be refunded to you if the wedding is called off, and of course your time can't be refunded. And, of course, getting a divorce is unpleasant and expensive, much more so than breaking up.
posted by Anne Neville at 5:42 AM on October 9, 2015


Hey apparently I have a lot of opinions about this! So I am coming back to say that I also think it's OK if *you* feel uncomfortable proposing when you're not in a financial position to pay for a ring. I mean, I don't think rings ought to be important to a marriage, but financial stability is pretty important to most people, and it's not unreasonable to want to be in a place where you *could* afford to drop a few hundred/a few thousand dollars on a piece of jewelry before you tie your life to someone else's, even if you don't actually spend that money on a ring.

I don't know your social group or family and what sorts of internal and external pressures you and your relationship with your girlfriend are under, and maybe getting engaged and/or married as poor broke college students is right for you, but it's not the only way to go. (I'm sure some people see me - unmarried and childless at 37! - as an object lesson in what not to do, and others probably think my life is pretty sweet.)
posted by mskyle at 6:53 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm not saying that she is a terrible person if she doesn't like the ring, or even that it means you're incompatible if she doesn't like it. People dislike pieces of jewelry for all sorts of reasons. But if she is a terrible person or you are incompatible, you're better off knowing that now than finding out later.

Personally, I think the whole surprise ring thing is overrated. I'd rather pick out a ring I like (as I did when I got engaged). I also think big diamonds, and diamonds in general, are overrated. But that's me, and you're not marrying me. Your girlfriend could be a perfectly decent person and disagree with me about those things.
posted by Anne Neville at 7:04 AM on October 9, 2015


FWIW when my wife and I bought our wedding ring, we affectionately called the 'diamond' in the ring, 'the chip'. My wife claims it wasn't even big enough to register on the carat scale. Regardless, I'm pretty sure it was a lot smaller than 0.06 carats. It was basically a small bit of diamond dust in a gold-colored ring. It did sort of glitter and stuff, especially if you had a magnifying glass handy.

Really, it makes no difference. We looked at an expensive wedding ring as something we would have to worry about and keep track of--and then would eventually be lost anyway at the cost of great anguish.

Nobody worries much about losing 'the chip' . . .
posted by flug at 10:19 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Mod note: A couple of comments deleted. Ask Metafilter isn't for debating other commenters; just offer your own helpful advice, please.
posted by taz (staff) at 10:48 PM on October 11, 2015


My husband proposed to me with his great aunt's wedding ring. He said if I liked it, i could have it as my engagement ring, or we could get something else together later on. We got a different ring for me, but it was still really nice to have an interim ring.
posted by lizbunny at 9:37 AM on October 12, 2015


Give it to her with the promise that if she doesn't like it, you two can pass it on to one of your kids/some other kid in the family. For now it can act as a placeholder ring until you have enough money saved for her to pick out a ring she adores. Most women don't care about diamonds that much, in my experience, that's just what the diamond industry wants you to think.
posted by SassHat at 11:27 AM on October 15, 2015


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