What's it gonna be?
October 8, 2015 9:39 AM Subscribe
Do I get back together with my long time friend and ex and "see how it goes" despite him being at a crossroads in his life and not knowing what he wants or when he'll be emotionally available?
I'm at a bit of crossroads and not sure what to do next. I started dating a good friend, let's call him X, that I've known for nearly decade in the spring. While there had always been something between us, we had never dated because he had been in a relationship for more or less the entire time I knew him. Early this year they broke up. It was a very difficult, yet amicable breakup. They are still friends and she is still very much in the picture, but she is a very nice person who I like a lot. They basically broke up because she wanted to get married and he had never could get past his reservations about their relationship. I think they would both likely say they stayed together too long, partly because he was supporting her financially for a good deal of their relationship after she lost her job and then had long period of unemployment and underemployment.
We started dating pretty quickly after they broke up, admittedly way too quickly but sometimes that's how life works. Out of respect for his ex he didn't want it to be public that we were dating. I was fine with this at first, especially since I assumed this just meant not telling any of their mutual friends or posting things on facebook. However, after two months I found out that he didn't want anyone to know. Including one of our very close and trustworthy friends. This really hurt me and we ended up having a talk where I found out the respectful period of time was indefinite and he could not give me any type of timeline for when he would be prepared to tell people. I was really hurt by this and not interested in having a secret relationship so I ended it.
We stayed on friendly terms and saw each other around, but I largely put a stop to hanging out one on one and went back to internet dating. However, that's not to say the breakup wasn't really hard on me and the month following our breakup I was in a pretty bad depression. I have been single for a very long time and had very high hopes for the relationship and was pretty devastated. While he strongly denied I had just been a rebound relationship, that is pretty much how I felt.
About two months later we are out with the same close friend who I hadn't been allowed to tell about us. In front of X, my friend starts asking me about the guy I've been dating, which is obviously pretty awkward. Later that evening, after way too many drinks, X says some pretty inappropriate jokes to me about our former sex life that I felt were very disrespectful (although X is known for trying to use inappropriate jokes to diffuse uncomfortable situations). This leads to a huge fight where we basically have it out about everything and I tell him how used I felt, etc. He gets extremely upset and storms out, mad that I could think those things about him and that I know how he feels about me.
Oddly this sort of clears the air between us and over the next month we start spending a lot of time together. He keeps doing romantic things like cooking me dinner and getting me things he knows I like. After a few weeks of this, we end up getting pretty drunk and he walks me home and starts telling me how hard this is because of how much he likes me and that it's hard for him to explain but he's just so sad right now and doesn't know what is wrong with him.
A week after that we end up having this really romantic night and end up sleeping together. He tells me how much he missed me and a bunch of other really sweet things. He also ask me if I'm still dating the other guy, which I am (but nothing serious yet or exclusive or anything) which I tell him. He tells me that of course I have the right to do whatever I want and sort of makes an off handed comment about wanting to know if I'm dating someone else and whether this (us sleeping together) means anything.
The next day we go to lunch and end up talking. He tells me he's trying to figure out why it bothered him so much that I was dating someone else. He says he's not the type to get jealous, which I will say is pretty true in my experience. Although, I think most people get jealous sometimes to some extent even if they are not a "jealous person."He told me he thinks it's because he's worried the first time we dated he wasn't really clear about what kind of head space he was in and that he has been really struggling with basically being depressed and unsure what he wants in life, which is a place he's never been in before. He also said he has really strong feelings for me and wants to spend lots of time with me, but that as happy as he is to be with me he can't shake this general sadness he's had since the break up and he worries that he will not be able to give me what I want in a relationship. He also said that he worries that he would be wasting my time when I could be meeting someone else that could give me what I want and he thinks that is why he is so caught up on the fact I'm dating someone else and that maybe I'll forgo that opportunity while I'm wasting my time with him.
It was a very weird conversation because on the one hand it was pretty awful to hear that a guy I wanted to be with, who I thought was making grand romantic gestures (and granted he was) to get me back because he was finally ready to date again, wasn't jealous I was dating other guys, but rather wanted me to be dating other guys so that it would basically assuage any guilt he would have for "wasting my time."
Then again I feel like I a lot of this is him trying to rationalize and make sense of a lot of feelings he is struggling with right now and that he is basically flailing about because his world has been turned upside down. He is dealing with issues and feelings he didn't for years while he was basically in a relationship that allowed him to put his life on pause. Now he finds himself dating for the first time in nearly a decade, but now he's in his early 30s instead of his 20s and he can't put off making decisions or commitments like he could in his 20s.
We ended up sleeping together again and it was really romantic and intense, but afterwards I felt pretty empty because despite how many times he told me he missed me or how strong his feelings are for me it all just seems kind of meaningless.
I'm not sure where I go from here. I know I have to talk to him, but I think I need to figure out what I want first.
I know I don't want continue to date/sleep with him and date other people. I'm just not really built that way and I think it would just end up making me more upset that I was settling for less than the relationship I want.
I see a couple options.
1) I could see if he would be up for dating exclusively, which I'm pretty sure he would be, but that we would just see where it went with no pressure and I would continue to respect the fact he doesn't want people to know for now. Then I could reassess in a few months and see if I was happy and whether anything had changed.
Given how little things have changed since we broke up 3 months ago, I'm not inclined to do this, but I don't want to potentially throw away what I think could be a really good relationship because I'm impatient and not understanding of where he is emotionally.
2) I could continue to hang out like we have been, but no sex or anything like that. Basically sort of platonic dating. I would continue to date other people and basically leave the door open to reconcile down the road.
3) End it once and for all. Tell him I need to move on and that he needs to stop acting in a flirty/romantic way towards me. Remain on friendly terms, but stop all one on one time together. Limit or eliminate texting/chatting throughout the day. Basically only see each other a few times a month at events for mutual friends.
Right now 3 is looking like the most realistic and healthy option. However, I worry that I am being too hasty in walking away from this. I don't meet many men that I like and am compatible with on so many levels. And even fewer that return my interest. I would really like to get married and have children in the next few years and he is someone I could see myself doing that with. I know how deeply he genuinely cares for me and he has been a good friend for a very long time. I will miss having him as a good friend if I have to walk away from this. At the same time, I'm not looking to get into a dead end quasi relationship. Any advice would be welcome. I'm having a hard time viewing this objectively.
I'm at a bit of crossroads and not sure what to do next. I started dating a good friend, let's call him X, that I've known for nearly decade in the spring. While there had always been something between us, we had never dated because he had been in a relationship for more or less the entire time I knew him. Early this year they broke up. It was a very difficult, yet amicable breakup. They are still friends and she is still very much in the picture, but she is a very nice person who I like a lot. They basically broke up because she wanted to get married and he had never could get past his reservations about their relationship. I think they would both likely say they stayed together too long, partly because he was supporting her financially for a good deal of their relationship after she lost her job and then had long period of unemployment and underemployment.
We started dating pretty quickly after they broke up, admittedly way too quickly but sometimes that's how life works. Out of respect for his ex he didn't want it to be public that we were dating. I was fine with this at first, especially since I assumed this just meant not telling any of their mutual friends or posting things on facebook. However, after two months I found out that he didn't want anyone to know. Including one of our very close and trustworthy friends. This really hurt me and we ended up having a talk where I found out the respectful period of time was indefinite and he could not give me any type of timeline for when he would be prepared to tell people. I was really hurt by this and not interested in having a secret relationship so I ended it.
We stayed on friendly terms and saw each other around, but I largely put a stop to hanging out one on one and went back to internet dating. However, that's not to say the breakup wasn't really hard on me and the month following our breakup I was in a pretty bad depression. I have been single for a very long time and had very high hopes for the relationship and was pretty devastated. While he strongly denied I had just been a rebound relationship, that is pretty much how I felt.
About two months later we are out with the same close friend who I hadn't been allowed to tell about us. In front of X, my friend starts asking me about the guy I've been dating, which is obviously pretty awkward. Later that evening, after way too many drinks, X says some pretty inappropriate jokes to me about our former sex life that I felt were very disrespectful (although X is known for trying to use inappropriate jokes to diffuse uncomfortable situations). This leads to a huge fight where we basically have it out about everything and I tell him how used I felt, etc. He gets extremely upset and storms out, mad that I could think those things about him and that I know how he feels about me.
Oddly this sort of clears the air between us and over the next month we start spending a lot of time together. He keeps doing romantic things like cooking me dinner and getting me things he knows I like. After a few weeks of this, we end up getting pretty drunk and he walks me home and starts telling me how hard this is because of how much he likes me and that it's hard for him to explain but he's just so sad right now and doesn't know what is wrong with him.
A week after that we end up having this really romantic night and end up sleeping together. He tells me how much he missed me and a bunch of other really sweet things. He also ask me if I'm still dating the other guy, which I am (but nothing serious yet or exclusive or anything) which I tell him. He tells me that of course I have the right to do whatever I want and sort of makes an off handed comment about wanting to know if I'm dating someone else and whether this (us sleeping together) means anything.
The next day we go to lunch and end up talking. He tells me he's trying to figure out why it bothered him so much that I was dating someone else. He says he's not the type to get jealous, which I will say is pretty true in my experience. Although, I think most people get jealous sometimes to some extent even if they are not a "jealous person."He told me he thinks it's because he's worried the first time we dated he wasn't really clear about what kind of head space he was in and that he has been really struggling with basically being depressed and unsure what he wants in life, which is a place he's never been in before. He also said he has really strong feelings for me and wants to spend lots of time with me, but that as happy as he is to be with me he can't shake this general sadness he's had since the break up and he worries that he will not be able to give me what I want in a relationship. He also said that he worries that he would be wasting my time when I could be meeting someone else that could give me what I want and he thinks that is why he is so caught up on the fact I'm dating someone else and that maybe I'll forgo that opportunity while I'm wasting my time with him.
It was a very weird conversation because on the one hand it was pretty awful to hear that a guy I wanted to be with, who I thought was making grand romantic gestures (and granted he was) to get me back because he was finally ready to date again, wasn't jealous I was dating other guys, but rather wanted me to be dating other guys so that it would basically assuage any guilt he would have for "wasting my time."
Then again I feel like I a lot of this is him trying to rationalize and make sense of a lot of feelings he is struggling with right now and that he is basically flailing about because his world has been turned upside down. He is dealing with issues and feelings he didn't for years while he was basically in a relationship that allowed him to put his life on pause. Now he finds himself dating for the first time in nearly a decade, but now he's in his early 30s instead of his 20s and he can't put off making decisions or commitments like he could in his 20s.
We ended up sleeping together again and it was really romantic and intense, but afterwards I felt pretty empty because despite how many times he told me he missed me or how strong his feelings are for me it all just seems kind of meaningless.
I'm not sure where I go from here. I know I have to talk to him, but I think I need to figure out what I want first.
I know I don't want continue to date/sleep with him and date other people. I'm just not really built that way and I think it would just end up making me more upset that I was settling for less than the relationship I want.
I see a couple options.
1) I could see if he would be up for dating exclusively, which I'm pretty sure he would be, but that we would just see where it went with no pressure and I would continue to respect the fact he doesn't want people to know for now. Then I could reassess in a few months and see if I was happy and whether anything had changed.
Given how little things have changed since we broke up 3 months ago, I'm not inclined to do this, but I don't want to potentially throw away what I think could be a really good relationship because I'm impatient and not understanding of where he is emotionally.
2) I could continue to hang out like we have been, but no sex or anything like that. Basically sort of platonic dating. I would continue to date other people and basically leave the door open to reconcile down the road.
3) End it once and for all. Tell him I need to move on and that he needs to stop acting in a flirty/romantic way towards me. Remain on friendly terms, but stop all one on one time together. Limit or eliminate texting/chatting throughout the day. Basically only see each other a few times a month at events for mutual friends.
Right now 3 is looking like the most realistic and healthy option. However, I worry that I am being too hasty in walking away from this. I don't meet many men that I like and am compatible with on so many levels. And even fewer that return my interest. I would really like to get married and have children in the next few years and he is someone I could see myself doing that with. I know how deeply he genuinely cares for me and he has been a good friend for a very long time. I will miss having him as a good friend if I have to walk away from this. At the same time, I'm not looking to get into a dead end quasi relationship. Any advice would be welcome. I'm having a hard time viewing this objectively.
3. *Only* 3. Move on with your head held high.
despite how many times he told me he missed me or how strong his feelings are for me it all just seems kind of meaningless.
This is your gut talking. Listen to your gut.
The only person who deserves to be with you is the person who is proud to walk into a crowded room with you on his arm. You are not something to be kept secret. Nothing about you should be kept secret. Nobody puts anon in the corner.
posted by headnsouth at 9:49 AM on October 8, 2015 [17 favorites]
despite how many times he told me he missed me or how strong his feelings are for me it all just seems kind of meaningless.
This is your gut talking. Listen to your gut.
The only person who deserves to be with you is the person who is proud to walk into a crowded room with you on his arm. You are not something to be kept secret. Nothing about you should be kept secret. Nobody puts anon in the corner.
posted by headnsouth at 9:49 AM on October 8, 2015 [17 favorites]
At the very least, get your head clear and be your own person. To do that break your habit of him by going no contact for a minimum of 30 days, 3 months would be better.
posted by waterandrock at 9:52 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by waterandrock at 9:52 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
You deserve better than the way he is treating you, Secret relationship? Being glad you're dating other people? He is stringing you along. You want marriage and children. He wouldn't marry his last long term girlfriend, and from his behavior it looks like he'll never marry you. Go for #3. I'd keep him at an arm's length at best.
Use your energy on someone more promising.
posted by Requiax at 9:53 AM on October 8, 2015 [16 favorites]
I just want to say that this guy is not treating you respectfully. I mean, he does sometimes, but a bunch of "sometimes" don't and will never add up to "respectful partner."
posted by griphus at 9:58 AM on October 8, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by griphus at 9:58 AM on October 8, 2015 [10 favorites]
#4 - End it and cut him off until you can stop thinking about him. He's wasting your time. Being friends with any communication will complicate the matter and keep you hung up on him.
posted by alusru at 10:04 AM on October 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by alusru at 10:04 AM on October 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would really like to get married and have children in the next few years and he is someone I could see myself doing that with.
This is understandable. But does he see himself doing that with you? If he's not even willing to go public with the fact that you're dating... prospects do not look good. (You can ask him if he could see your relationship going there, btw. I suspect his answer -- or non-answer -- might clarify some things for you.)
You deserve someone who WANTS to be with you and who is excited to plan a future with you. From how you describe the situation, it does not sound like this guy is the guy for that. Doesn't make him a bad person. But it does make him a bad person for you.
posted by pie ninja at 10:08 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is understandable. But does he see himself doing that with you? If he's not even willing to go public with the fact that you're dating... prospects do not look good. (You can ask him if he could see your relationship going there, btw. I suspect his answer -- or non-answer -- might clarify some things for you.)
You deserve someone who WANTS to be with you and who is excited to plan a future with you. From how you describe the situation, it does not sound like this guy is the guy for that. Doesn't make him a bad person. But it does make him a bad person for you.
posted by pie ninja at 10:08 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
i.e., time is a precious commodity, especially if you're looking to have children. He's already taken up the better part of a year of yours. Would you really want to be in limbo another year? Start a new chapter in your life. You'll be more likely to find a partner with the same goals as you sooner without him in the picture. The longer you have him around, the longer it will take to get the life you want started. The next person you meet will be far more likely to want to start it with you sooner too.
posted by alusru at 10:13 AM on October 8, 2015
posted by alusru at 10:13 AM on October 8, 2015
The short answer to your question is: No.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 10:17 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by whimsicalnymph at 10:17 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
I prefer my partners to be emotionally available and respectful right off the bat. I will never again date somebody unless they're fully on board. Life is way too short for that shit.
End it.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:18 AM on October 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
End it.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:18 AM on October 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
My decision on this would completely depend on how much time I had to waste in my life. If I wasn't doing much, had nothing going on in my life, and wanted to have some fun, I'd casually date X. But if I wanted to move forward with anything in my life, like career/social activities/marriage/kids, I would steer clear, because this guy sounds like he will keep you in place, life-journey speaking.
Since you say you want to get married/have kids in the next few years, it sounds like you don't have time to waste. Move on.
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:18 AM on October 8, 2015
Since you say you want to get married/have kids in the next few years, it sounds like you don't have time to waste. Move on.
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:18 AM on October 8, 2015
Has enough time really passed that he has his stuff together enough to be a reasonable partner? It really sounds like the answer is no, and that he's still embroiled in the fallout from the breakup of his long-time partner. No way he's going to be a good boyfriend until all of that is thoroughly past.
posted by zug at 10:21 AM on October 8, 2015
posted by zug at 10:21 AM on October 8, 2015
It sounds as if this has all been on his emotional terms so far.
That doesn't set up a good dynamic, even if a long-term relationship did ultimately develop from this situation.
Just something to consider.
posted by chicainthecity at 10:22 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
That doesn't set up a good dynamic, even if a long-term relationship did ultimately develop from this situation.
Just something to consider.
posted by chicainthecity at 10:22 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Aw, honey. After the last time you slept with him, you felt empty. That is the ultimate bad sign. You want to get married. You want to have children. And he is not even ready to tell people that you are dating. Please, please don't waste any more time on this. It's done. #3 and then some -- disconnect from him as much as you possibly can.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:23 AM on October 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:23 AM on October 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would really like to get married and have children in the next few years
Then I would suggest you not date this man.
posted by jaguar at 10:23 AM on October 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Then I would suggest you not date this man.
posted by jaguar at 10:23 AM on October 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Sorry I think it has to be #3, or even #4 as proposed above.
Neither of those choices would preclude you and X getting together in a year or two, if that's how things work out. But I think you are doing yourself a disservice if you agree to be somebody's secret girlfriend/boyfriend. That's never a good idea. It means that he is (in some way) ashamed of what he's doing. You deserve a partner who is excited about being with you and wants the whole world to know. You are worthwhile and the right person will not only know that but also show that with their actions.
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:29 AM on October 8, 2015
Neither of those choices would preclude you and X getting together in a year or two, if that's how things work out. But I think you are doing yourself a disservice if you agree to be somebody's secret girlfriend/boyfriend. That's never a good idea. It means that he is (in some way) ashamed of what he's doing. You deserve a partner who is excited about being with you and wants the whole world to know. You are worthwhile and the right person will not only know that but also show that with their actions.
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:29 AM on October 8, 2015
I would tell him you like him too but the only circumstances that you would date him again is if:
1. You are dating with the intention to get married and have children
2. You both tell all your friends
3. Its exclusive and committed.
See what he says, but at least you have put everything YOU want on the table. No hanging around and hoping.
posted by zia at 10:30 AM on October 8, 2015 [13 favorites]
1. You are dating with the intention to get married and have children
2. You both tell all your friends
3. Its exclusive and committed.
See what he says, but at least you have put everything YOU want on the table. No hanging around and hoping.
posted by zia at 10:30 AM on October 8, 2015 [13 favorites]
Just to add, I find this whole emotionally availability thing to be utter bullshit and think you should focus on what you want, which you were very clear about in your post. If he is on board great. If not, fine, move on. The how and why of not being on board is not very interesting.
posted by zia at 10:31 AM on October 8, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by zia at 10:31 AM on October 8, 2015 [13 favorites]
This stranger's opinion: you need to let him go, for your and his sake. If he is indeed a good friend, he will understand even if it means potentially sacrificing the friendship, because he would want you to do what's best for you. It sounds like his heart is in the right place, but he is just not equipped to give you what you need right now (or ever, only time will tell). You've given it a fair chance and you have a right to move on, in good faith, until you find what you seek and deserve. Good luck.
posted by tackypink at 10:42 AM on October 8, 2015
posted by tackypink at 10:42 AM on October 8, 2015
Move on. There's a better match out there for you. You may be a alone and lonely for a while and it may be hard, and if so, use that time to get yourself as whole and complete and put together and ready for that time when a person enters your life who lights you up like never before. When your heart has left all your old loves in the past, it makes room for the right people to enter.
posted by Annika Cicada at 11:09 AM on October 8, 2015
posted by Annika Cicada at 11:09 AM on October 8, 2015
(and that goes for "him" as well)
posted by Annika Cicada at 11:12 AM on October 8, 2015
posted by Annika Cicada at 11:12 AM on October 8, 2015
My life got a lot better once I learned to disengage from self-absorbed men no matter how strong of a connection I might have felt in the moment.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 11:14 AM on October 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 11:14 AM on October 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
Hello, past me!
SNAP OUT OF IT.
This guy is a complete ass who will happily string you along as long as you are willing to exchange sex for the occasional scrap of affection. Everything he has said or done has told you that if you will only listen.
He's not a tortured soul who doesn't know what he wants, he's a coward who is afraid he won't get what he wants if he tells you the truth. (I'm not bashing NSA sex, but all parties MUST be on the same page or else it's bullshit.)
You want a relationship. There's not a damn thing wrong with wanting that, but he's made it clear he can't (or won't! ) give you that.
Go find someone who values you for who you are and doesn't devalue what you want. (That person might even be you!)
Good luck! You can do it!
posted by Space Kitty at 11:49 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
SNAP OUT OF IT.
This guy is a complete ass who will happily string you along as long as you are willing to exchange sex for the occasional scrap of affection. Everything he has said or done has told you that if you will only listen.
He's not a tortured soul who doesn't know what he wants, he's a coward who is afraid he won't get what he wants if he tells you the truth. (I'm not bashing NSA sex, but all parties MUST be on the same page or else it's bullshit.)
You want a relationship. There's not a damn thing wrong with wanting that, but he's made it clear he can't (or won't! ) give you that.
Go find someone who values you for who you are and doesn't devalue what you want. (That person might even be you!)
Good luck! You can do it!
posted by Space Kitty at 11:49 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
It is a strange law of relationship physics (but a legit law!) that if you walk away from an unsatisfying relationship you are more likely, not less likely, to find what you'll like in the future. It is almost as if there is a chemical change in the air around the outlines of the absence of the Unsatisfying One (or the Narcissistic One, or the Emotionally Unavailable One, ...or the Married One) that will attract One Who Is A Better Match (maybe more than one!)
I can't explain it - but it seems to work even better than if there hadn't ever been an Unsatisfying One at all.
The physics formula needed to convert The Unsatisfying One into a Better Match is far more complex and not in your wheelhouse - it's success rate is smaller than chance, and requires a far greater Alchemist than you.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:55 PM on October 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
I can't explain it - but it seems to work even better than if there hadn't ever been an Unsatisfying One at all.
The physics formula needed to convert The Unsatisfying One into a Better Match is far more complex and not in your wheelhouse - it's success rate is smaller than chance, and requires a far greater Alchemist than you.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:55 PM on October 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Hi anon
I feel for you, it seems life loves to throw these emotional curveballs at us, and we’re left standing at a juncture with no clue as to what the ‘right’ thing is to do.
So the first thing to realise is – there is no perfectly ‘right’ thing to do. There is clearly a more emotionally healthy and productive option for you, but that doesn’t mean that if you disregard your own advice (and that of most of the mefites answering), that you instantly stray on to the Dark Path and you’ve ruined your life. But again, I suspect your gut is shouting at you with a good reason....
That’s assuming my reading of the situation is right which is :
• You started dating a good friend that you’ve known for nearly decade in the spring (6 months ago approx).
• Early this year they ended a 10-year relationship...so you and he started dating nigh on immediately after a serious relationship breakup I’m going to assume
• He and ex basically broke up because she wanted to get married....it says further down that you want to get married..to him? Even though he must have some serious concerns about marriage if he didn’t do it to his committed partner of 10 years? My food for thought here is, it’s always nice to think somebody will make us their exception to their rule, but my general experience shows me that rarely, if ever, happens.
• After two months I found out that he didn't want anyone to know. So I ended it...i.e., you had boundaries, he crossed them, you stood by them in a brave way, even though it hurt you. Way to bloody go!
• While he strongly denied I had just been a rebound relationship, that is pretty much how I felt. ....This is your gut talking to you – and speaking the blinding truth at that! I’ m not psychic, you guys could end up partnering-up for life and happier than larry in a year’s time but for right now? When somebody is weeks out of a 10-year life partnership and they want to have sex with you/draw emotional strength from you? That’s the dictionary definition of a rebound. You felt like this because you were this.
• After a period of (3? months) he engages you on a sexual level to draw you back in – which works. Then he throws in some romance. Then sex happens....
• We ended up sleeping together again and it was really romantic and intense, but afterwards I felt pretty empty ... it all just seems kind of meaningless. This is your mind and soul screaming at you. Emptiness after intimacy is your gut screaming this is making you unhappy and that you know you’re not being true to yourself.
• He's just so sad right now and doesn't know what is wrong with him..... He tells me he's trying to figure out why it bothered him so much that I was dating someone else. I don’t know this chap – and to be fair – plenty of nice people have done what he’s done (immediate rebounding which hurts others) and worse and they’re still good people, but this worries me particularly because it shows either a staggering lack of common sense and insight (“I have no idea why I’m emotionally all over the shop and don’t know what I want! It’s almost like the most significant relationship of my life ended mere months ago, the sort of thing it takes people YEARS to heal from!”) ..or...it’s manipulation. He knows exactly where he is (all over the shop and in no position to commit to anything) but wants the lovely fringe benefits of you (because of all the amazingness you know doubt have to offer) and so is pulling the injured puppy routine. Either way – that’s not good – but the latter is preferable to the former – you could at least talk to him about that and he might start to develop insight into his feelings.
• A lot of this is him trying to rationalize and make sense of a lot of feelings he is struggling with right now...if you don’t mind me saying, it sounds like you do a lot of rationalising for him, too. Who is holding him to account, I wonder?
So with that in mind – the answers to your options -
1) You are so right to think twice, thrice! before going back and doing the very thing you ended it for first time around? I believe you ended it (correctly) for a reason; that you wouldn’t accept being someone’s secret partner when there wasn’t (and even less so now) a good reason for it?
2). FWIW I believe this is one of those deceptively easy plans which leads to a shit-ton of heartache and pain (ask me how I know). You clearly have feelings for this person (potentially whilst they were still in the relationship with their ex?) and I’m going to imagine it would be tough for you to fake platonic friendship, with or without your side-dating.
3) You’re right, it’s 3.
Final word – you can only have a steady, loving, secure happy romantic life with somebody who is steady loving and secure enough to cope with romantic life. Only you know if your chap fits this bill.
posted by mrmulliner at 1:08 PM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel for you, it seems life loves to throw these emotional curveballs at us, and we’re left standing at a juncture with no clue as to what the ‘right’ thing is to do.
So the first thing to realise is – there is no perfectly ‘right’ thing to do. There is clearly a more emotionally healthy and productive option for you, but that doesn’t mean that if you disregard your own advice (and that of most of the mefites answering), that you instantly stray on to the Dark Path and you’ve ruined your life. But again, I suspect your gut is shouting at you with a good reason....
That’s assuming my reading of the situation is right which is :
• You started dating a good friend that you’ve known for nearly decade in the spring (6 months ago approx).
• Early this year they ended a 10-year relationship...so you and he started dating nigh on immediately after a serious relationship breakup I’m going to assume
• He and ex basically broke up because she wanted to get married....it says further down that you want to get married..to him? Even though he must have some serious concerns about marriage if he didn’t do it to his committed partner of 10 years? My food for thought here is, it’s always nice to think somebody will make us their exception to their rule, but my general experience shows me that rarely, if ever, happens.
• After two months I found out that he didn't want anyone to know. So I ended it...i.e., you had boundaries, he crossed them, you stood by them in a brave way, even though it hurt you. Way to bloody go!
• While he strongly denied I had just been a rebound relationship, that is pretty much how I felt. ....This is your gut talking to you – and speaking the blinding truth at that! I’ m not psychic, you guys could end up partnering-up for life and happier than larry in a year’s time but for right now? When somebody is weeks out of a 10-year life partnership and they want to have sex with you/draw emotional strength from you? That’s the dictionary definition of a rebound. You felt like this because you were this.
• After a period of (3? months) he engages you on a sexual level to draw you back in – which works. Then he throws in some romance. Then sex happens....
• We ended up sleeping together again and it was really romantic and intense, but afterwards I felt pretty empty ... it all just seems kind of meaningless. This is your mind and soul screaming at you. Emptiness after intimacy is your gut screaming this is making you unhappy and that you know you’re not being true to yourself.
• He's just so sad right now and doesn't know what is wrong with him..... He tells me he's trying to figure out why it bothered him so much that I was dating someone else. I don’t know this chap – and to be fair – plenty of nice people have done what he’s done (immediate rebounding which hurts others) and worse and they’re still good people, but this worries me particularly because it shows either a staggering lack of common sense and insight (“I have no idea why I’m emotionally all over the shop and don’t know what I want! It’s almost like the most significant relationship of my life ended mere months ago, the sort of thing it takes people YEARS to heal from!”) ..or...it’s manipulation. He knows exactly where he is (all over the shop and in no position to commit to anything) but wants the lovely fringe benefits of you (because of all the amazingness you know doubt have to offer) and so is pulling the injured puppy routine. Either way – that’s not good – but the latter is preferable to the former – you could at least talk to him about that and he might start to develop insight into his feelings.
• A lot of this is him trying to rationalize and make sense of a lot of feelings he is struggling with right now...if you don’t mind me saying, it sounds like you do a lot of rationalising for him, too. Who is holding him to account, I wonder?
So with that in mind – the answers to your options -
1) You are so right to think twice, thrice! before going back and doing the very thing you ended it for first time around? I believe you ended it (correctly) for a reason; that you wouldn’t accept being someone’s secret partner when there wasn’t (and even less so now) a good reason for it?
2). FWIW I believe this is one of those deceptively easy plans which leads to a shit-ton of heartache and pain (ask me how I know). You clearly have feelings for this person (potentially whilst they were still in the relationship with their ex?) and I’m going to imagine it would be tough for you to fake platonic friendship, with or without your side-dating.
3) You’re right, it’s 3.
Final word – you can only have a steady, loving, secure happy romantic life with somebody who is steady loving and secure enough to cope with romantic life. Only you know if your chap fits this bill.
posted by mrmulliner at 1:08 PM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to be so harsh but it sounds to me like he's trying to sleep with you without feeling guilty. If he cares about you, and isn't ready to date, he needs to leave you alone. He's being an asshole and you deserve much better.
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:37 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:37 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Out of respect for his ex he didn't want it to be public that we were dating. I was fine with this at first, especially since I assumed this just meant not telling any of their mutual friends or posting things on facebook. However, after two months I found out that he didn't want anyone to know. Including one of our very close and trustworthy friends. This really hurt me and we ended up having a talk where I found out the respectful period of time was indefinite and he could not give me any type of timeline for when he would be prepared to tell people."
I'm going to be blunt: this is some bullshit. I would never consider being in a relationship with someone who once treated me this way.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:02 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm going to be blunt: this is some bullshit. I would never consider being in a relationship with someone who once treated me this way.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:02 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would tell him you like him too but the only circumstances that you would date him again is if:
1. You are dating with the intention to get married and have children
2. You both tell all your friends
3. Its exclusive and committed.
This will have the fun side effect of making him run for the hills and do the no-contact for you, probably after he spews some tiresome rant about you being too demanding/controlling/pushy/etc.
This is basically the more satisfying version of #3.
I wouldn't bother with it though, because anything he says positively to this will be a lie and you'll end up exactly where you started unless you're willing to cut him loose either way.
posted by emptythought at 2:40 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
1. You are dating with the intention to get married and have children
2. You both tell all your friends
3. Its exclusive and committed.
This will have the fun side effect of making him run for the hills and do the no-contact for you, probably after he spews some tiresome rant about you being too demanding/controlling/pushy/etc.
This is basically the more satisfying version of #3.
I wouldn't bother with it though, because anything he says positively to this will be a lie and you'll end up exactly where you started unless you're willing to cut him loose either way.
posted by emptythought at 2:40 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
A wise Mefite named Etrigan said in another relationship thread that when the question is a long, detailed one, the last thing that you (the OP) say is what you really want to do, and you're just looking for permission to do it.
Using that as a guideline, the last thing you say above is: "At the same time, I don't want to get into another dead end quasi relationship."
I know what it's like to be alone for a long time, and I totally empathize -- but this guy will not be the source of the companionship, love and admiration that you deserve. Cut him loose before any more of your one and only life goes by.
posted by virago at 5:58 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Using that as a guideline, the last thing you say above is: "At the same time, I don't want to get into another dead end quasi relationship."
I know what it's like to be alone for a long time, and I totally empathize -- but this guy will not be the source of the companionship, love and admiration that you deserve. Cut him loose before any more of your one and only life goes by.
posted by virago at 5:58 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was in a totally similar situation a few years ago. And because I knew he was a really good guy (we'd been friends for years!) and because I really craved being with a decent guy (I'd been single so long!) - I couldn't square the way he was treating me (i.e. like trash, including the "let's keep it secret so as not to hurt longtime ex-gf") with what I knew to be true about him objectively. I thought maybe, if I just waited... but it never got better, and it was a humiliating way to end our friendship.
So I know what I'm talking about when I say just LET THIS GO. #4, all the way. He has had the chance to treat you well. He hasn't done it. If he wanted to be your one true man, he would have done it already! He didn't. He doesn't want to. The wisps of jealousy that flare (regardless of how he rationalizes them) when you see other people -- that's just a reflex. Don't read anything into it. He isn't right for you. He might be right for some other woman, and if you date him now, you'll just be the one he dumps when he finds her. Please, I've been there, and I'm telling you: leave it alone.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:01 PM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
So I know what I'm talking about when I say just LET THIS GO. #4, all the way. He has had the chance to treat you well. He hasn't done it. If he wanted to be your one true man, he would have done it already! He didn't. He doesn't want to. The wisps of jealousy that flare (regardless of how he rationalizes them) when you see other people -- that's just a reflex. Don't read anything into it. He isn't right for you. He might be right for some other woman, and if you date him now, you'll just be the one he dumps when he finds her. Please, I've been there, and I'm telling you: leave it alone.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:01 PM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
I was in this exact boat last year. Walking away from him (which I only accomplished because he walked away from me also) was the hardest, saddest thing I have ever done and I'm still not convinced I will ever love or be loved to that degree again, but the requirement of secrecy so as not to hurt the ex (a former good friend of mine who I essentially betrayed), the sporadic but super romantic and intense sex, the sadness (with the added dash of way too much coping through alcohol), etc all added up, in my mind, to him either not being ready or not being right for me. You can't make someone feel what you deserve. When someone is depressed or working through difficult life issues, you can't love them out of it. I just kept (well, keep) telling myself that I deserve someone who will openly and without regrets or hestiancy love me the way I loved him. If he can't, it doesn't really matter why. And I'm being honest when I tell you that it feels better to be alone than to linger in that waiting space, where every time he gets drunk you don't know whether he'll kiss you or pretend you don't exist. I see him from time to time in group settings, but i'm no longer the one he calls at 3 AM to rhapsodize about gumbo. It fucking sucks, but at least this is real.
posted by sallybrown at 2:05 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by sallybrown at 2:05 PM on October 9, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
In these specific circumstances, I think it would be ok for you to tell him that you are interested in dating him, not in being his friend or his fuckbuddy, and that if he is also interested in dating you, you're up for it; but if he isn't, he needs to let you know, so that you can move on.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:49 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]