Physician heal thyself? My 12 year old is bullied on the bus.
October 8, 2015 9:13 AM Subscribe
Ok, so I have a psychology degree, 20yrs early care and education experience, and am currently in grad school studying school psychology. I should have this, right? I do not have this. Little kids - I totally know what to do. Use your words, tell an adult, yada yada..... My smart, introverted 12 year old vs. douchebag 14 year old? Stymied. I came home from work today and he was in a terrible mood - after a few stabs at trying to get him to talk - I chalked it up to homework fussing and let it lay..... 20 minutes before bedtime - he admits to an 8th grader sticking gum in his hair and throwing a deodorant can at his head on the bus ride home. He just started middle school this year and for the most part - 6th graders are isolated from 7th and 8th graders.
however, the bus is a different story. I asked him what he did on the bus, and he said he told the bigger kid to stop. (using your words, yay!) of course gum throwing 14 year old escalated.(using words unsuccessfully, boo) But can throwing? The fierce parent animal in me wants to hunt this kid down and eat him. I recognize that this is not appropriate. (my forebrain knows that this kid has issues, my hind brain, however.........has no such empathy) Part of me wants to show my kid that scene in St. Vincent where Bill Murray shows the kid how to punch the bully kid in the nose. I recognize, this also, is inappropriate. Help me walk that delicate line between fostering independence in my laid back geeky kiddo and taking all comers on my kid's behalf. (I am planning on calling the school tomorrow to alert the bus driver to at least be on the lookout for projectiles - I do not expect the bus driver to see everything, after all he is driving the bus)
however, the bus is a different story. I asked him what he did on the bus, and he said he told the bigger kid to stop. (using your words, yay!) of course gum throwing 14 year old escalated.(using words unsuccessfully, boo) But can throwing? The fierce parent animal in me wants to hunt this kid down and eat him. I recognize that this is not appropriate. (my forebrain knows that this kid has issues, my hind brain, however.........has no such empathy) Part of me wants to show my kid that scene in St. Vincent where Bill Murray shows the kid how to punch the bully kid in the nose. I recognize, this also, is inappropriate. Help me walk that delicate line between fostering independence in my laid back geeky kiddo and taking all comers on my kid's behalf. (I am planning on calling the school tomorrow to alert the bus driver to at least be on the lookout for projectiles - I do not expect the bus driver to see everything, after all he is driving the bus)
This would not go well at our middle school. Principal, guidance counselor, bus driver would crack down hard on 8th grader. That has been my experience so far. Zero tolerance for bullying. Cross the line further into physical? Bully is done. And? No way this is the first offense for Bully; guidance counselor already has him on radar. Call it in with no apologies.
Ask your 6th grader to sit at the front of the bus.
(Sadly I've heard differently at high school level.)
posted by RoadScholar at 9:26 AM on October 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
Ask your 6th grader to sit at the front of the bus.
(Sadly I've heard differently at high school level.)
posted by RoadScholar at 9:26 AM on October 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
Help me walk that delicate line between fostering independence in my laid back geeky kiddo and taking all comers on my kid's behalf.
Your child was physically assaulted. Escalating up the relevant chain of command right now is absolutely appropriate, and I wouldn't phrase it as "asking the bus driver to look out for projectiles" (though he should) but "Asking what is going to be done about the particular 8th grader physically assaulting my child."
posted by jaguar at 9:30 AM on October 8, 2015 [26 favorites]
Your child was physically assaulted. Escalating up the relevant chain of command right now is absolutely appropriate, and I wouldn't phrase it as "asking the bus driver to look out for projectiles" (though he should) but "Asking what is going to be done about the particular 8th grader physically assaulting my child."
posted by jaguar at 9:30 AM on October 8, 2015 [26 favorites]
Report to the school immediately, and possibly the police if they do nothing.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:40 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:40 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'd say it would be valuable to include your 12 yr old in conversations with school officials about this, if only so that he can hear you model how to report and advocate for what's right in this kind of situation. Eventually, you want him to know how to do this kind of thing for himself, so he'll need to see how it's done.
posted by cubby at 9:50 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by cubby at 9:50 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
The biggest let down I felt at that age was knowing that ultimately the adults didn't have my back. When bullying happened, as it does to almost everyone, I did report it the first few times. Aside from a few polite words, nothing happened and the bullying continued. Finally, in panic, I broke the gang leader's nose with my lunchbox, and I got in trouble. Lesson learned: authority figures are hollow shirts.
Support your kid. See it though. Officialdom is designed now to deflect blame and wiggle out of responsibility. Do not expect an easy ride or support from the school. Don't let them off the hook.
It's either that, or buy him a high-impact plastic lunch bucket and ensure that the thermos weighs a good couple of pounds full. That stops bullying pretty effectively too, but may not be the lesson you want you kid to learn.
posted by bonehead at 10:15 AM on October 8, 2015 [20 favorites]
Support your kid. See it though. Officialdom is designed now to deflect blame and wiggle out of responsibility. Do not expect an easy ride or support from the school. Don't let them off the hook.
It's either that, or buy him a high-impact plastic lunch bucket and ensure that the thermos weighs a good couple of pounds full. That stops bullying pretty effectively too, but may not be the lesson you want you kid to learn.
posted by bonehead at 10:15 AM on October 8, 2015 [20 favorites]
As a kid I suffered bullying for years and it didn't relent until I stood up for myself physically. I didn't have to beat anyone up, and I don't really know how it would've gone if I'd tried, but I did back a bully into a corner and keep him there a while with a lot of people watching until he found a way to escape. I don't know that I'd encourage a child to try that, though.
As an adult, I wouldn't go after my kid's bully directly, because I think that could make the bullying worse, but I might very well go after the bus driver via his employer. Keeping kids safe is fundamental to his job, and he isn't doing it.
posted by jon1270 at 10:31 AM on October 8, 2015
As an adult, I wouldn't go after my kid's bully directly, because I think that could make the bullying worse, but I might very well go after the bus driver via his employer. Keeping kids safe is fundamental to his job, and he isn't doing it.
posted by jon1270 at 10:31 AM on October 8, 2015
We had to report bullying on the bus to my son's school, back when he was in elementary school. They dealt with it swiftly and effectively. I know that's not always the case with these things, but until you try working with the school, you won't know for sure. Call the principal or assistant principal and tell them you want this kid shut down.
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:34 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:34 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
If I was riding a bus and someone grabbed my hair or threw something at me, I would call the police. That's assault, and it's illegal.
There's no reason that it should be permitted on a school bus. The authorities - the school, not the police - should be involved.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 10:58 AM on October 8, 2015
There's no reason that it should be permitted on a school bus. The authorities - the school, not the police - should be involved.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 10:58 AM on October 8, 2015
The school is still legally responsible for what happens on the bus. Call the principle right away and tell him what is going on. Let him know that if he doesn't stop it immediately, you will be getting the police involved. Assault is assault, doesn't matter how young the bully is.
posted by myselfasme at 11:18 AM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 11:18 AM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm a former teacher, and we were always told that the school was responsible for anything that happened to the kids on the way to or from school. So I would place the burden of responsibility on your school's principal. I would report the eighth grader and see what guarantees the principal will make that the eighth grader will be held accountable and that this won't happen again to your child.
However, I suspect that this incident might be symptomatic of a more systematic failure by your district to adequately address student safety, since it's not likely that the eighth grader decided all of a sudden to do something so brazen, but rather got there by seeing that there were no consequences to a pattern of behavior that started out small and escalated.
So, you should be prepared to ask your school's principal for documentation of the policies that he'll be enforcing, and make it clear that if there aren't any, or if the policies are vague, or if the principal tries to pawn responsibility off on someone else, that it's going to be his ass.
Have an escalation path in mind when you go in there, which probably means going to your district's superintendent, contacting members of your school board, and/or showing up at a board meeting and speaking during the part that's open to members of the public after having contacted a member or two of your local media.
After the meeting, send him an email summarizing the key results of the meeting, including agreements that were made about follow-up. That way, he can't try to squirm out of what he agreed to, and he will know that you are prepared to hold him accountable.
posted by alphanerd at 11:52 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
However, I suspect that this incident might be symptomatic of a more systematic failure by your district to adequately address student safety, since it's not likely that the eighth grader decided all of a sudden to do something so brazen, but rather got there by seeing that there were no consequences to a pattern of behavior that started out small and escalated.
So, you should be prepared to ask your school's principal for documentation of the policies that he'll be enforcing, and make it clear that if there aren't any, or if the policies are vague, or if the principal tries to pawn responsibility off on someone else, that it's going to be his ass.
Have an escalation path in mind when you go in there, which probably means going to your district's superintendent, contacting members of your school board, and/or showing up at a board meeting and speaking during the part that's open to members of the public after having contacted a member or two of your local media.
After the meeting, send him an email summarizing the key results of the meeting, including agreements that were made about follow-up. That way, he can't try to squirm out of what he agreed to, and he will know that you are prepared to hold him accountable.
posted by alphanerd at 11:52 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
(To clarify, in that last paragraph, I mean after the conversation you have with him, which may or may not be a meeting. I don't mean to send him an email like that after it gets to the point where you've shown up at a board meeting. It should happen after your first discussion.)
posted by alphanerd at 11:54 AM on October 8, 2015
posted by alphanerd at 11:54 AM on October 8, 2015
I am a middle school teacher. In my school, any misbehavior on the bus is dealt with swiftly and effectively; this kid would probably not be able to ride the bus for a while, greatly inconveniencing him/his family, and depending on his record might also get a couple days of in-school suspension. Please please report it to the school Name names. This is not in any way okay in today's school climate, at least where I live.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:41 PM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by charmedimsure at 12:41 PM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Part of me wants to show my kid that scene in St. Vincent where Bill Murray shows the kid how to punch the bully kid in the nose.
I'm with the other commenters here that, in a similar situation in middle school, this is what -and only what- actually worked.
I would suggest something along those lines, but also saying something to the effect of "if you get suspended or in trouble, you will not be in trouble with me, you can just bum around the house and do whatever you want".
My parents pretty much went "good for you" and "don't make a habit of it", and after a few weeks the consequences blew over but i wasn't getting harassed anymore.
If you get nowhere with the school(Or worse, if they pull the bully in and say "this is specifically why we brought you in" causing them to just target your kid more, which i also saw happen) i'd just say, yea, deck him in the face. And be prepared to hit him again if he hits back.
Support your kid. See it though. Officialdom is designed now to deflect blame and wiggle out of responsibility. Do not expect an easy ride or support from the school. Don't let them off the hook.
This was my experience all the way through high school. Either ask for help and eventually give up and accept things as they are, deal with it yourself and accept the consequences, or leave.
posted by emptythought at 2:49 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm with the other commenters here that, in a similar situation in middle school, this is what -and only what- actually worked.
I would suggest something along those lines, but also saying something to the effect of "if you get suspended or in trouble, you will not be in trouble with me, you can just bum around the house and do whatever you want".
My parents pretty much went "good for you" and "don't make a habit of it", and after a few weeks the consequences blew over but i wasn't getting harassed anymore.
If you get nowhere with the school(Or worse, if they pull the bully in and say "this is specifically why we brought you in" causing them to just target your kid more, which i also saw happen) i'd just say, yea, deck him in the face. And be prepared to hit him again if he hits back.
Support your kid. See it though. Officialdom is designed now to deflect blame and wiggle out of responsibility. Do not expect an easy ride or support from the school. Don't let them off the hook.
This was my experience all the way through high school. Either ask for help and eventually give up and accept things as they are, deal with it yourself and accept the consequences, or leave.
posted by emptythought at 2:49 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Talk the issue through with your child to help him develop an empowerment strategy on his terms. Help him to see the dynamic by analyzing the dynamic. Bullies want social recognition and power; "bystanders" often admire them and they gain social standing. So think it through with your child, how would you empower him without resorting to physical violence? Understanding bullying as a control dynamic is an opportunity to teach him valuable psychological and verbal defense strategies that will serve him well throughout his life and create an alliance between you and him.
posted by effluvia at 4:26 PM on October 8, 2015
posted by effluvia at 4:26 PM on October 8, 2015
This bully escalated past anything words could solve and you should let your son know that when someone touches him and throws things at him, he will not be in trouble with you for physically defending himself.
posted by WeekendJen at 5:56 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by WeekendJen at 5:56 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
This bully escalated past anything words could solve and you should let your son know that when someone touches him and throws things at him, he will not be in trouble with you for physically defending himself.
I agree with this advice. Violence cannot be reasoned with, and when you run to the school or bus driver, you are just using their violence by proxy. Learn from bonehead's experience. Your son should meet the bully's force with force of his own, and he has no obligation to fight fairly.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:28 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree with this advice. Violence cannot be reasoned with, and when you run to the school or bus driver, you are just using their violence by proxy. Learn from bonehead's experience. Your son should meet the bully's force with force of his own, and he has no obligation to fight fairly.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:28 AM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by bepe at 9:22 AM on October 8, 2015