How to send condolences to a coworker

October 8, 2015 9:13 AM

My co-worker's sibling died. What's the best way to send my condolences?

I am a junior faculty member and my co-worker is a senior faculty member. I do not know her well. I gather that she and her sibling were close. We were notified through an email sent to everyone from the Chair.

I would like to send condolences but am not sure how. Email feels inappropriate. A note in her departmental mailbox also feels inappropriate. There isn't a death notice so I don't think I can send a card or anything that way (nor do I know if that can even be done). Asking a colleague for her address seems invasive.

How do I send my condolences appropriately?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Wait a few days. Your department will likely get her a card and you can sign it.
posted by Rob Rockets at 9:18 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]

A card in her departmental mailbox is what I would do. I got similar condolences from colleagues when my father died - even cards sent through interoffice mail in those big yellow envelopes! The delivery method doesn't really matter; it's the sentiment that's important.
posted by something something at 9:18 AM on October 8, 2015 [7 favorites]

Some workplaces do group cards or floral deliveries. Maybe ask the chair or other admin person if there is anything being done that you can be included in?

On preview, what Rob Rockets said.
posted by BibiRose at 9:20 AM on October 8, 2015

Also, in my opinion, if you run into her it's good to say you've been thinking of her, ask how she is doing. It's weird to come back to work and not have people say something to you.
posted by BibiRose at 9:23 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]

Whatever you do, don't overthink it so much that you end up doing nothing. I would put a card in her departmental mailbox, unless I saw her before I had a chance to get a card in which case I would say something. "I heard about your sibling - I'm sorry" is sufficient.
posted by lyssabee at 9:45 AM on October 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

Ask your departmental administrative assistant if there's a card going around. They know everything.
posted by sciencegeek at 10:13 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

Card in her mailbox is a very good idea. Or, if there is actually an obituary forthcoming, perhaps they will list a charity you can donate to in the deceased person's memory.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:21 AM on October 8, 2015

I agree with above posters saying your department will likely circulate a card for everyone to sign, and that when you see her next in person, you should say something to acknowledge her loss. BibiRose and lyssabee's suggestions of what to say are good.

Please don't worry that sending condolences by email or a card in her work mailbox is inappropriate. I've received both, and my only thought at the time was how much better it made me feel to know someone cared enough to send me a message. I've also sent condolences via email and work mailbox, and they were well received.

When it comes to acknowledging loss, the existence of the message is more important than how it's sent.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:22 AM on October 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

If it's appropriate for your position, an emailed offer to help cover some of the coworker's job duties while they deal with the funeral etc. Not having to worry about work while I was out for family deaths meant more to me than a card.
posted by Candleman at 10:42 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think anything is better than nothing, and if you can get yourself to do it, more is much better than less (i.e. don't just wait for the department card and sign it, also drop in her mailbox a [simple. not covered with lilies and flowery mopery if that's not your relationship] one of your own). She mostly needs to feel not abandoned by everyone/pariahed in the workplace because everybody knows she's suffered this devastating loss. She won't think you're being presumptuous if you send a separate acknowledgment because other people will do the same thing. You'll add to the comforting pile.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:23 AM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

I was surprisingly touched by the flowers I received from my team when my father died.
posted by smoke at 3:27 PM on October 8, 2015

Just the other day, a woman I worked with in 1999 told me how much what I wrote in a card when her brother died has meant to her all these years. I don't remember this at all, honestly, but it reminded me how much a tiny gesture can be just what someone needs. We all have those moments - the time a stranger in a store was unusually kind or something - and this is an opportunity for you to make a very small effort that may be the thing that brightens her day.
posted by judith at 5:31 PM on October 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

When my father died, I realised how much simple words like, "Thinking of you at this difficult time" actually mean a lot. Just use the usual formulas and don't over think it. It's not the time to be original, clever or show off. And ask about it kindly but preferably matter-of-factly when they return.
posted by JeanDupont at 6:16 AM on October 9, 2015

Flowers or cards, yes. Bringing it up in discussion in person? No. Everythime anybody brings it up, it will remind her that her siblilng and (perhaps) best friend just died, probably right when she was managing to forget about it and have some respite from the pain for a second.

I cannot tell you how much I hated that when my bf died. Even though it is well intentioned and shows kindness, it has the potential to bring back the flood of grief when she is trying to control it and be professional in the workplace.
posted by bluesky78987 at 11:01 AM on October 10, 2015

I lost my brother as a young adult, and I would say absolutely no to a group card, though group flowers would be fine - but you should still a personal card. You can put it in her mailbox, but it would be better to get her real address, and no, it's not invasive. A group card is just not enough effort for something this terrible. The best thing to do would be to buy a blank card or use real stationery and write a few words. There is no need to be clever or original. Any of the following would be fine: I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. I know his is very hard. I hope that the love of your friends and family brings you peace. If you cannot bear to write your own words, a sympathy card would be second best. When you see her, tell her you were sorry to hear of her loss. That doesn't need to be long or drawn out - just a brief statement - and if she wants to say more, let her take the lead. When my brother died, the second worst thing was when people didn't acknowledge it. (The worst was when, six weeks after, someone asked if I was "pretty much over it" - the answer is a resounding no. You never get over it.) There is no danger of "reminding" her - she will be thinking of it almost constantly for at least a year. A small kindness means the world to someone who is going through this. Thank you for thinking seriously about what you can do.
posted by FencingGal at 11:56 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]