Break-up + small town; do I have to move?
October 7, 2015 8:33 AM Subscribe
I moved to a small town and started dating a guy pretty much right away. He had already been living there for a couple years at that point. Fast-forward three years: I broke up with him. We both still love our small town. Do I have to move?
Our break-up was pretty one-sided. He thought this relationship was It for him; I felt increasingly pressured and trapped. (He's 40, I'm 8 years younger, which I think contributed to the dynamic somewhat.) I tried to break up with him one year before, but he convinced me to give it another chance. I went into therapy and over time came to the conclusion that the relationship really wasn't working for me. I tried to end things as respectfully and kindly as possible, but you know how these things go -- he feels hurt and betrayed and abandoned. He had a tendency to idealize our life together, so I think the break-up feels like the loss of something big and glorious to him.
That was 4 months ago. We have successfully avoided each other pretty well in the intervening time. I left town for a month, and will be heading back in a week.
The problem I'm facing right now is, we live in a VERY small town. We both love living there; neither of us wants to leave. I am more mobile -- I work freelance, so I could theoretically be anywhere. (That's why I've been able to be away for this past month.) He has a good 9-5 job that he really likes. He also doesn't have much money. Even when the relationship was good, he was pretty jealous of my ability to work remotely and travel. Now he thinks that my greater level of freedom, plus the fact that I broke up with him, plus the fact that he's lived in town longer, means that I should leave.
He does have more friends in town, but I have plenty of strong ties -- a couple deep friendships, volunteer commitments, favorite walks, a meditation group, a (rental) house I love, routines, memories-- in short, three years worth of living. I have other places I could go, but I'm really happy living in this town. It's been incredibly good for me. I love being here, and I feel like I've actually deepened my relationships to my friends and this place since the break-up. I had gotten kind of isolated inside the relationship. That said, for various reasons I don't think this is my Forever Place. I can imagine myself being here for another 3-5 years, maybe. (FWIW, my ex had a similar timeline in mind the last time we talked about this, when we were still together.)
Since the break-up, I've tried to be pretty deferential, socially speaking -- if I know he's going to an event, I avoid it. We have a few mutual friends he's been leaning on, and I've stepped back from them because I don't want to put anyone in a weird position. He's gotten involved in one of my volunteer gigs, and so I've stepped back from that, too. It's hard for me to share the town with him, but we're both fundamentally good and respectful people, and I think we can do it. There are people here who have gone through miserable, acrimonious divorces! There are people who were publicly cheated on! And they all manage to co-exist. So I guess my hope is that with time, with kindness and respect, we could be that way, too.
Yesterday he sent me a bunch of angry emails about how he wishes I would leave town, how I'm ruining this home he's built over the past several years, how my continued existence here is humiliating for him, how the town is home, but it's just a way-station for me. It hurt a lot and I feel incredibly guilty. There was also a bad (for me) dynamic in the relationship where I felt like I was taking care of him a lot -- the relationship revolved around his needs & his drama, with not a lot of space for me. I'm sure that's contributing to the conflict we're having now.
He's right in that it would be much easier for me to leave. But I don't want to leave. But am I just being selfish? If I stay, how can I justify the decision to myself? Also - if you've ever shared a small town or community with an ex, I'd love to hear about how you managed it.
Our break-up was pretty one-sided. He thought this relationship was It for him; I felt increasingly pressured and trapped. (He's 40, I'm 8 years younger, which I think contributed to the dynamic somewhat.) I tried to break up with him one year before, but he convinced me to give it another chance. I went into therapy and over time came to the conclusion that the relationship really wasn't working for me. I tried to end things as respectfully and kindly as possible, but you know how these things go -- he feels hurt and betrayed and abandoned. He had a tendency to idealize our life together, so I think the break-up feels like the loss of something big and glorious to him.
That was 4 months ago. We have successfully avoided each other pretty well in the intervening time. I left town for a month, and will be heading back in a week.
The problem I'm facing right now is, we live in a VERY small town. We both love living there; neither of us wants to leave. I am more mobile -- I work freelance, so I could theoretically be anywhere. (That's why I've been able to be away for this past month.) He has a good 9-5 job that he really likes. He also doesn't have much money. Even when the relationship was good, he was pretty jealous of my ability to work remotely and travel. Now he thinks that my greater level of freedom, plus the fact that I broke up with him, plus the fact that he's lived in town longer, means that I should leave.
He does have more friends in town, but I have plenty of strong ties -- a couple deep friendships, volunteer commitments, favorite walks, a meditation group, a (rental) house I love, routines, memories-- in short, three years worth of living. I have other places I could go, but I'm really happy living in this town. It's been incredibly good for me. I love being here, and I feel like I've actually deepened my relationships to my friends and this place since the break-up. I had gotten kind of isolated inside the relationship. That said, for various reasons I don't think this is my Forever Place. I can imagine myself being here for another 3-5 years, maybe. (FWIW, my ex had a similar timeline in mind the last time we talked about this, when we were still together.)
Since the break-up, I've tried to be pretty deferential, socially speaking -- if I know he's going to an event, I avoid it. We have a few mutual friends he's been leaning on, and I've stepped back from them because I don't want to put anyone in a weird position. He's gotten involved in one of my volunteer gigs, and so I've stepped back from that, too. It's hard for me to share the town with him, but we're both fundamentally good and respectful people, and I think we can do it. There are people here who have gone through miserable, acrimonious divorces! There are people who were publicly cheated on! And they all manage to co-exist. So I guess my hope is that with time, with kindness and respect, we could be that way, too.
Yesterday he sent me a bunch of angry emails about how he wishes I would leave town, how I'm ruining this home he's built over the past several years, how my continued existence here is humiliating for him, how the town is home, but it's just a way-station for me. It hurt a lot and I feel incredibly guilty. There was also a bad (for me) dynamic in the relationship where I felt like I was taking care of him a lot -- the relationship revolved around his needs & his drama, with not a lot of space for me. I'm sure that's contributing to the conflict we're having now.
He's right in that it would be much easier for me to leave. But I don't want to leave. But am I just being selfish? If I stay, how can I justify the decision to myself? Also - if you've ever shared a small town or community with an ex, I'd love to hear about how you managed it.
If anything, HE'S the selfish one for playing "the town isn't big enough for the both of us" with you. What is this, Dodge City? He's not the mayor, he doesn't make rules about who gets to live there.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:40 AM on October 7, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:40 AM on October 7, 2015 [20 favorites]
It's absolutely crazy for him to expect you to leave this town because you dated and then broke up. That's not the way things work. That's why people avoid dating at work even if it's ok with company policy- because both parties have the right to stay after things get ugly.
Tell him that if he feels like that, he needs to make sure to only have long-distance relationships from then on, and to never shorten the distance by living together. That's the only way to avoid being in the same town as someone who you are no longer in a partnership with.
He'll move on, especially if you don't give him a choice.
posted by cacao at 8:41 AM on October 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
Tell him that if he feels like that, he needs to make sure to only have long-distance relationships from then on, and to never shorten the distance by living together. That's the only way to avoid being in the same town as someone who you are no longer in a partnership with.
He'll move on, especially if you don't give him a choice.
posted by cacao at 8:41 AM on October 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
oh gosh no... you don't have to leave! He's being a big baby and needs to grow up.
You don't need to justify the decision to yourself, it's your home too and you have every right to continue living there. Just because you guys dated and you broke up with him, does not give him the right to dictate how you live your life moving forward.
posted by JenThePro at 8:41 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
You don't need to justify the decision to yourself, it's your home too and you have every right to continue living there. Just because you guys dated and you broke up with him, does not give him the right to dictate how you live your life moving forward.
posted by JenThePro at 8:41 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
No, of course you don't have to leave. Regardless of how he feels, he doesn't own the town and you aren't actually ruining the place for him.
Not only do you not need to move, I'd suggest you stop deferentially staying out of his way, as you're only enabling his disinclination to behave like a grown up.
posted by jon1270 at 8:42 AM on October 7, 2015 [22 favorites]
Not only do you not need to move, I'd suggest you stop deferentially staying out of his way, as you're only enabling his disinclination to behave like a grown up.
posted by jon1270 at 8:42 AM on October 7, 2015 [22 favorites]
This doesn't speak to your obligation or rights, but before I opened the full question I thought: "If he outright asked her to leave, she's at risk of him becoming violent." Your full description of the situation doesn't make me feel any better.
posted by kelseyq at 8:42 AM on October 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by kelseyq at 8:42 AM on October 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
He's right in that it would be much easier for me to leave.
I will admit that small-town life isn't exactly my wheelhouse, but I can't imagine that moving to a different place -- something it doesn't seem like you have any kind of imminent plans for -- because your ex-boyfriend is throwing a tantrum and decided this town is the ball which is is taking and going home with is genuinely easier.
He does not own the town, he does not own your mutual friends, he does not own your volunteer location, he does not own your mutual social occasions and he can't run you out of town because he feels bad.
Now that you have broken up with him, you deserve to no longer have your life revolve around taking care of his needs and the new drama is is making.
posted by griphus at 8:43 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
I will admit that small-town life isn't exactly my wheelhouse, but I can't imagine that moving to a different place -- something it doesn't seem like you have any kind of imminent plans for -- because your ex-boyfriend is throwing a tantrum and decided this town is the ball which is is taking and going home with is genuinely easier.
He does not own the town, he does not own your mutual friends, he does not own your volunteer location, he does not own your mutual social occasions and he can't run you out of town because he feels bad.
Now that you have broken up with him, you deserve to no longer have your life revolve around taking care of his needs and the new drama is is making.
posted by griphus at 8:43 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't want to leave. But am I just being selfish? If I stay, how can I justify the decision to myself?
Because when people break up -- even married people! -- the one who breaks up doesn't move away from the town for the sake of the other one. It doesn't matter who lived there first. You move out of a shared house. Not a shared town. The hurt person has to find a way to heal, and both people have to find a way to gracefully bump into each other. It takes time.
We all wish we wouldn't have to run into the person who rejected us. Again, it gets easier in time. Don't mistake an emotional expression of the break up moment for an ethical or practical imperative.
posted by flourpot at 8:43 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Because when people break up -- even married people! -- the one who breaks up doesn't move away from the town for the sake of the other one. It doesn't matter who lived there first. You move out of a shared house. Not a shared town. The hurt person has to find a way to heal, and both people have to find a way to gracefully bump into each other. It takes time.
We all wish we wouldn't have to run into the person who rejected us. Again, it gets easier in time. Don't mistake an emotional expression of the break up moment for an ethical or practical imperative.
posted by flourpot at 8:43 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh god, don't leave. This town is your home! You put a lot of work into making it your home! You have no obligation to leave just because you have a job with more flexibility. He'll calm down eventually if you're willing to deal with some unpleasantness for a year or so. Stand tall. He's hurt and lashing out at you right now, pushing your emotional buttons because he doesn't know what else to do. It would be best for both of you if you stop communicating until the breakup is not so fresh. Tell him you're done talking to him while the two of you heal. Archive his emails without reading them.
posted by rhythm and booze at 8:46 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by rhythm and booze at 8:46 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ignoring his selfish, self-pitying demands for the moment...
Forget it. You're happy there, you like it there, and that's all that matters. Being born and raised in a small town, I'd say that avoiding him directly can be surprisingly easy. There will be lots of indirect contact and talk, but that's how small towns are. That indirect contact is pretty manageable, and even more so after time. I would have no hesitation on staying going by your own needs.
As for his needs -- he can get bent.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:47 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Forget it. You're happy there, you like it there, and that's all that matters. Being born and raised in a small town, I'd say that avoiding him directly can be surprisingly easy. There will be lots of indirect contact and talk, but that's how small towns are. That indirect contact is pretty manageable, and even more so after time. I would have no hesitation on staying going by your own needs.
As for his needs -- he can get bent.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:47 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh for god's sake, tell him to put on his big-boy pants or just ignore him. Good riddance to that asshole. You don't get to tell your ex that they should leave town. He doesn't own the town just because he's lived there longer.
posted by xingcat at 8:49 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 8:49 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
A Jane Austen solution would be for you to use and expand your network of friends to try to find him someone more like himself to love. This is not your legal obligation, of course, but you are in a genuinely difficult situation.
Even if his happiness isn't your responsibility, in a certain small sense we are responsible for our community, and he is part of your community. Just as you are part of his community. Him asking you to leave is at least impolite. He's being a bit emotional; fine. If his behavior becomes more extreme, keep an eye on it, save his communications with you, etc., just in case.
However, when we form relationships with people, we learn about them. When you know enough about someone, you are in a unique position to know what will do them good. What you do with that ability requires a great deal of judgment and discretion, and is completely up to you -- often, the best thing is to do nothing. Sometimes, though, there is a small action which costs next to nothing which can help, like maybe encouraging mutual friends to be extra kind to the person in question.
posted by amtho at 8:51 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Even if his happiness isn't your responsibility, in a certain small sense we are responsible for our community, and he is part of your community. Just as you are part of his community. Him asking you to leave is at least impolite. He's being a bit emotional; fine. If his behavior becomes more extreme, keep an eye on it, save his communications with you, etc., just in case.
However, when we form relationships with people, we learn about them. When you know enough about someone, you are in a unique position to know what will do them good. What you do with that ability requires a great deal of judgment and discretion, and is completely up to you -- often, the best thing is to do nothing. Sometimes, though, there is a small action which costs next to nothing which can help, like maybe encouraging mutual friends to be extra kind to the person in question.
posted by amtho at 8:51 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Small towns would empty out pretty quickly if someone had to leave town every time there was a breakup. Perhaps he needs to move to a larger town if he ever hopes to date again. If his next girlfriend has a longer residency than he does, he's risking his home!
posted by rocketpup at 8:52 AM on October 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by rocketpup at 8:52 AM on October 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
You have no moral obligation to move. Take that out of the equation. Don't move for him. Only move for yourself. That means, move if
- being in the same town as this guy causes you discomfort
- the discomfort outweighs all the regrets you will have about moving/losing friends/giving in to this guy
- if you sense that he might harass you or endanger you.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:55 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
- being in the same town as this guy causes you discomfort
- the discomfort outweighs all the regrets you will have about moving/losing friends/giving in to this guy
- if you sense that he might harass you or endanger you.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:55 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
You don't have to leave. That's the easy part of the answer.
The harder part: Would you be happier if you did?
posted by clawsoon at 8:55 AM on October 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
The harder part: Would you be happier if you did?
posted by clawsoon at 8:55 AM on October 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Enabling his poor behaviour is not helping him. It would do him a kindness to stop being deferential and act like a adult in this situation with the expectation he will also act like an adult. Just as giving into a toddler's tantrums sets them up for poor coping skills, so does leaving town for a month, backing away from friends and giving up your volunteer commitment also does him a disservice.
Personally, I would not respond to his email except to ask that he not contact you. If he continues to contact you I would give your local police a head's up; his attitude of entitlement, combined with his anger, and unreasonable demands from a break up that was FOUR months ago also worries me, as others have pointed out.
It was a three year relationship, not even a marriage or common-law!, and his continued obsession from a breakup that occurred at the beginning of the summer speaks to a larger problem you will not be able to solve not matter how you bonsai your life to meet his expectations.
posted by saucysault at 9:00 AM on October 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
Personally, I would not respond to his email except to ask that he not contact you. If he continues to contact you I would give your local police a head's up; his attitude of entitlement, combined with his anger, and unreasonable demands from a break up that was FOUR months ago also worries me, as others have pointed out.
It was a three year relationship, not even a marriage or common-law!, and his continued obsession from a breakup that occurred at the beginning of the summer speaks to a larger problem you will not be able to solve not matter how you bonsai your life to meet his expectations.
posted by saucysault at 9:00 AM on October 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
You absolutely do not have to leave! Ever, if you so choose. Your advantage of greater resources and mobility has nothing whatsoever to do with where you decide to make your life. He doesn't own the town. No reasonable person thinks that when you date someone, the place you live will be an item up for "custody" in the event that you break up.
But, if at any point, you don't like being there or you're uncomfortable or it's just plain not good for you there anymore - it's not a "victory" for him if you leave. Don't feel like you need to go for his sake now, don't feel like you need to stay to prove a point later.
posted by superfluousm at 9:01 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
But, if at any point, you don't like being there or you're uncomfortable or it's just plain not good for you there anymore - it's not a "victory" for him if you leave. Don't feel like you need to go for his sake now, don't feel like you need to stay to prove a point later.
posted by superfluousm at 9:01 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I came in to say exactly what EmpressCallipygos said, complete with Wild West metaphor.
I would say stop tiptoeing around this guy and life your life the way that works best for you, and in the place that works best for you. I'm over forty and I promise you, it is not an emotional disability that needs to be accommodated. People over forty are perfectly capable of acting like rational adults, which includes sharing small towns with people who don't want to marry them.
posted by kythuen at 9:04 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would say stop tiptoeing around this guy and life your life the way that works best for you, and in the place that works best for you. I'm over forty and I promise you, it is not an emotional disability that needs to be accommodated. People over forty are perfectly capable of acting like rational adults, which includes sharing small towns with people who don't want to marry them.
posted by kythuen at 9:04 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
I live in one of those towns where everyone dates everyone else and you can't go anywhere without running into an old paramour, who is probably on the arm of someone who dated yet another person you did. It's small! And you know what, we all deal. 'Tis the nature of small towns. You stay there, if you want to, and you hang out with whom you want to, and the babyman can lump it.
posted by thebrokedown at 9:04 AM on October 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by thebrokedown at 9:04 AM on October 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
I'm a bad person because I was thinking that if you're not going to stay indefinitely, why not just leave now? Then I got to this part:
Yesterday he sent me a bunch of angry emails about how he wishes I would leave town
And was like, F that. No reason to be inconveniently nice to that.
posted by supercres at 9:08 AM on October 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yesterday he sent me a bunch of angry emails about how he wishes I would leave town
And was like, F that. No reason to be inconveniently nice to that.
posted by supercres at 9:08 AM on October 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
No. If he has such a problem with you both sharing the same space, HE can leave.
posted by Tamanna at 9:09 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Tamanna at 9:09 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
One more thing I wanted to add -- sorry, I'm getting angrier the more I think about this!
You may have disappointed this guy -- but you have not broken him. Disappointment in love saddens people, but it should not and does not ruin their lives. You're not responsible for protecting him from the terrifying spectre of your EXISTENCE. He's just manipulating you by suggesting you are.
If having you around is so difficult for him, it's on him to get over it or get out. It's absolutely not on you.
posted by kythuen at 9:45 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
You may have disappointed this guy -- but you have not broken him. Disappointment in love saddens people, but it should not and does not ruin their lives. You're not responsible for protecting him from the terrifying spectre of your EXISTENCE. He's just manipulating you by suggesting you are.
If having you around is so difficult for him, it's on him to get over it or get out. It's absolutely not on you.
posted by kythuen at 9:45 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is an insanely unreasonable thing for him to demand. You are entitled to live wherever you want without taking his spoiled, selfish whining into consideration. #!!!!!!!
posted by prefpara at 9:45 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 9:45 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
This should be your response to his emails:
Since the break-up, I've tried to be pretty deferential, socially speaking -- if I know he's going to an event, I avoid it. We have a few mutual friends he's been leaning on, and I've stepped back from them because I don't want to put anyone in a weird position. He's gotten involved in one of my volunteer gigs, and so I've stepped back from that, too. It's hard for me to share the town with him, but we're both fundamentally good and respectful people, and I think we can do it. There are people here who have gone through miserable, acrimonious divorces! There are people who were publicly cheated on! And they all manage to co-exist. So I guess my hope is that with time, with kindness and respect, we could be that way, too.
And add:
I do not plan to move any time soon and don't appreciate being pressured by you to do so. If you have any practical requests on how to manage this, I will be happy to consider them. In the meantime, I'm sure we can both deal with this situation as adults.
posted by raisingsand at 10:00 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Since the break-up, I've tried to be pretty deferential, socially speaking -- if I know he's going to an event, I avoid it. We have a few mutual friends he's been leaning on, and I've stepped back from them because I don't want to put anyone in a weird position. He's gotten involved in one of my volunteer gigs, and so I've stepped back from that, too. It's hard for me to share the town with him, but we're both fundamentally good and respectful people, and I think we can do it. There are people here who have gone through miserable, acrimonious divorces! There are people who were publicly cheated on! And they all manage to co-exist. So I guess my hope is that with time, with kindness and respect, we could be that way, too.
And add:
I do not plan to move any time soon and don't appreciate being pressured by you to do so. If you have any practical requests on how to manage this, I will be happy to consider them. In the meantime, I'm sure we can both deal with this situation as adults.
posted by raisingsand at 10:00 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I guess my hope is that with time, with kindness and respect, we could be that way, too.
I think this is a completely reasonable assumption. It may be, however, this isn't how he wants to or can move forward and then you will need to be kind and respectful on your own and sort of in a vacuum. Which is fine! I live in a small town of about 4500 people and people do this all the time. It's part of being in a small town. I'm sorry he's not dealing with it well, I would agree with other people that maybe it's time for you to stop being quite as deferential to his feelings. If you were enjoying your volunteer work and he started in on it, I think it's completely reasonable of you to continue doing the things you care about. I would also maybe bend the ear of some of your friends to get a little bit of you-centered perspective.
I'd also be clear with him, but he's knocking to be able to harass you out of town, and that you're not going to make this into a thing. I would basically respond to his angry emails by asking him to stop contacting you, And then if he escalates beyond that point, You can move forward assuming there's a problem. One of the things about small towns, is that sometimes people don't grow out of bad behavior patterns because everybody deals with the fact that everybody else is a little bit broken. It's totally okay for you to tell him to knock off the angry emails and to just decide you're going to try and make the best of it in the town that you care about. It's not at all selfish to want to remain living where you like to live.
posted by jessamyn at 10:01 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think this is a completely reasonable assumption. It may be, however, this isn't how he wants to or can move forward and then you will need to be kind and respectful on your own and sort of in a vacuum. Which is fine! I live in a small town of about 4500 people and people do this all the time. It's part of being in a small town. I'm sorry he's not dealing with it well, I would agree with other people that maybe it's time for you to stop being quite as deferential to his feelings. If you were enjoying your volunteer work and he started in on it, I think it's completely reasonable of you to continue doing the things you care about. I would also maybe bend the ear of some of your friends to get a little bit of you-centered perspective.
I'd also be clear with him, but he's knocking to be able to harass you out of town, and that you're not going to make this into a thing. I would basically respond to his angry emails by asking him to stop contacting you, And then if he escalates beyond that point, You can move forward assuming there's a problem. One of the things about small towns, is that sometimes people don't grow out of bad behavior patterns because everybody deals with the fact that everybody else is a little bit broken. It's totally okay for you to tell him to knock off the angry emails and to just decide you're going to try and make the best of it in the town that you care about. It's not at all selfish to want to remain living where you like to live.
posted by jessamyn at 10:01 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
You are absolutely in the right, and you should not have to leave if you don't want to. You are not being selfish by staying.
However.
I spent half my life in towns like this, and it sounds like he's both willing and able to make your life a living hell if he chooses to. Now, I'm not there with you in real life, so it's hard for me to say if he's definitely made that choice or not. But, if I was in your shoes and faced with the choice to either be right and have my life turned into a nightmare or take the opportunity to relocate now instead of in a couple of years as planned, I would think long and hard about which option was less of a hassle.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:16 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
However.
I spent half my life in towns like this, and it sounds like he's both willing and able to make your life a living hell if he chooses to. Now, I'm not there with you in real life, so it's hard for me to say if he's definitely made that choice or not. But, if I was in your shoes and faced with the choice to either be right and have my life turned into a nightmare or take the opportunity to relocate now instead of in a couple of years as planned, I would think long and hard about which option was less of a hassle.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:16 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Since the break-up, I've tried to be pretty deferential, socially speaking -- if I know he's going to an event, I avoid it. We have a few mutual friends he's been leaning on, and I've stepped back from them because I don't want to put anyone in a weird position. He's gotten involved in one of my volunteer gigs, and so I've stepped back from that, too.
I know from experience that it's good to have space apart after two people have broken up, but it sounds like you're doing more than enough in that regard. Even before the angry emails, he got involved in something you were already doing, the volunteer work, and you quite generously stepped back from it.
If he has a problem sharing the town with you, that's his problem. He does not get to try to chase you off. I hope you have a support network beyond the mutual friends you mentioned, because goodness knows what he's been telling them. You absolutely are allowed to live where you please, and to tell him not to contact you at all if he can't keep a civil tongue.
posted by Gelatin at 10:43 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I know from experience that it's good to have space apart after two people have broken up, but it sounds like you're doing more than enough in that regard. Even before the angry emails, he got involved in something you were already doing, the volunteer work, and you quite generously stepped back from it.
If he has a problem sharing the town with you, that's his problem. He does not get to try to chase you off. I hope you have a support network beyond the mutual friends you mentioned, because goodness knows what he's been telling them. You absolutely are allowed to live where you please, and to tell him not to contact you at all if he can't keep a civil tongue.
posted by Gelatin at 10:43 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I really have nothing new to add, but in case seeing lots of similar responses is encouraging to you -- your ex is acting in a totally crazy manner that is not justified in any sort of reality. If we were talking about moving out of a shared house or apartment, I would agree with him, but some sort of "Don't show your face around these here parts again" nonsense is just that -- nonsense. I would ask him to stop contacting you, and go back about your normal life however you like with no specific deference to him -- he's shown you that he really doesn't deserve this. It is nice to be considerate of an ex's feelings, but there is some statute of limitations (at this point MONTHS have gone by) and it's contingent on both people acting in good faith, which he is really, really not. Add this to the list of "reasons it's good I broke up with this total douchebag."
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:01 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:01 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's possible that your deference will be interpreted by some people in town as a silent admission of guilt. If he's making loud noises about how you wronged him, that may become the accepted narrative in town.
So if you do stay in town, that's just one more reason (in addition to what everybody else said) to stop being deferential.
posted by clawsoon at 11:03 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
So if you do stay in town, that's just one more reason (in addition to what everybody else said) to stop being deferential.
posted by clawsoon at 11:03 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
My inclination to think is that any town large enough for you to have a meditation group is almost certainly not small enough to indicate that you should move. If it was, like, 50 people and he was related to most of them, then I might think it was a better idea. Are both of you from larger cities or something? If this place has more than one gas station, it's big enough for both of you, or how do you think the natives of these towns survived there for the last century?
I used to work in a town small enough that everybody I knew there lived in the same houses their grandparents had built and where I had to drive 20+ minutes to fill the car up. (I was commuting an hour to get there and it became clear very quickly that it wasn't the lifestyle I wanted.) In a place like that, if only one party had put down roots, I'd say it might be fair to expect that the other party would at least make a plan for moving. But it sounds like you're both thinking of this place like it's the middle of nowhere, when your lives continue to intersect mostly because of similar tastes. Not, say, because there are only six people in town in your age bracket and neither of you has other social options.
posted by Sequence at 11:27 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I used to work in a town small enough that everybody I knew there lived in the same houses their grandparents had built and where I had to drive 20+ minutes to fill the car up. (I was commuting an hour to get there and it became clear very quickly that it wasn't the lifestyle I wanted.) In a place like that, if only one party had put down roots, I'd say it might be fair to expect that the other party would at least make a plan for moving. But it sounds like you're both thinking of this place like it's the middle of nowhere, when your lives continue to intersect mostly because of similar tastes. Not, say, because there are only six people in town in your age bracket and neither of you has other social options.
posted by Sequence at 11:27 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I second the comments that he may be dangerous. His demands are unreasonable and he should know that -- yet he persists in manipulating and blaming you.
I'd tell him to stop contacting you and then go about your business as if he didn't exist.
posted by 3491again at 12:01 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'd tell him to stop contacting you and then go about your business as if he didn't exist.
posted by 3491again at 12:01 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
So.... talking to your mutual friends hurts his feelings, so you've backed away from your friends.
Doing your volunteer thing that he came to later hurts his feelings, so you've backed away from that too.
Seeing you hurts his feelings, so you left your own home for a month?!?
You having the temerity to walk around in public on the streets of "his" town hurts his itsy-bitsy feelings, so he is sending you angry emails insisting you should just go away forever....
What's next? You're in the same state, so leave. You're in the same country, so leave. You're on the same continent, so leave. You're daring to breathe his oxygen on his planet, so leave.
Fuck that shit. If you want to stay, stay --- leave if and only if that's what you want, not what this jerk demands. It's just as much your home as his; those are your friends, your volunteer gig, your life. He has no right to say who does and doesn't live there, just because they (you) moved to that town after he did. And drop the deferential stuff: live your life as you please, not as it makes him happy.
posted by easily confused at 12:10 PM on October 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
Doing your volunteer thing that he came to later hurts his feelings, so you've backed away from that too.
Seeing you hurts his feelings, so you left your own home for a month?!?
You having the temerity to walk around in public on the streets of "his" town hurts his itsy-bitsy feelings, so he is sending you angry emails insisting you should just go away forever....
What's next? You're in the same state, so leave. You're in the same country, so leave. You're on the same continent, so leave. You're daring to breathe his oxygen on his planet, so leave.
Fuck that shit. If you want to stay, stay --- leave if and only if that's what you want, not what this jerk demands. It's just as much your home as his; those are your friends, your volunteer gig, your life. He has no right to say who does and doesn't live there, just because they (you) moved to that town after he did. And drop the deferential stuff: live your life as you please, not as it makes him happy.
posted by easily confused at 12:10 PM on October 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
He's being neurotic and self-centered. No, you shouldn't move if you don't want to. I live in a BIG town (4.5 million people) and I have run into an ex more than once. We said hello, inquired into each other's well being, and went about our day.
posted by Diag at 1:27 PM on October 7, 2015
posted by Diag at 1:27 PM on October 7, 2015
Just so you're aware, this man who did not want to break up with you is now demanding that you continue to:
a) Take emotional responsibility for his feelings;
b) Put his needs before your own;
c) Make significant life changes around him.
This is all bullshit. Live your life. His inability to live peaceably in a small town with you like all the other split-up grown-ups is his issue, not yours. I'm not saying be mean to him, but you need to draw some boundaries and hold to them. He's going to have to suck it up, even if the process is painful.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:36 PM on October 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
a) Take emotional responsibility for his feelings;
b) Put his needs before your own;
c) Make significant life changes around him.
This is all bullshit. Live your life. His inability to live peaceably in a small town with you like all the other split-up grown-ups is his issue, not yours. I'm not saying be mean to him, but you need to draw some boundaries and hold to them. He's going to have to suck it up, even if the process is painful.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:36 PM on October 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Others have addressed the moving issue really well, but reading this, I'm wondering if his series of angry emails was less about wanting you to move, and more about (subconsciously?) wanting to engage with you, get your attention, rehash the breakup, cast you as the villain, vent his anger and resentment on you, etc.
You mention you've pretty successfully avoided each other, but you didn't say you went no-contact. Might be about time to enact that policy so that he's not shooting you off upsetting emails, or if he does, you won't give him the engagement he craves. Hopefully he will eventually stop if you're not taking the bait.
posted by kapers at 2:39 PM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
You mention you've pretty successfully avoided each other, but you didn't say you went no-contact. Might be about time to enact that policy so that he's not shooting you off upsetting emails, or if he does, you won't give him the engagement he craves. Hopefully he will eventually stop if you're not taking the bait.
posted by kapers at 2:39 PM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
He thinks he can drive you away and so far it's worked, you've given up friends, a hobby group you loved and moved out of your own home (seriously?!) so now he's trying for the final push to get you to leave town altogether. And why wouldn't he, you've capitulated on everything else. Well, fuck that shit. Not only would I not leave town, I'd take back everything you've given up and more. Rejoin your group. Hang out at your local bar and if it's his too, oh well. Take your friends back and make some more! Be at the local festival and any other town events and shop wherever you want to. In short, take your life and town back.
Basically, let him know you're not leaving, and then best way for him to get over you is to see you around and realise it's not going to kill him. Block his emails but if you see him in public, nod in acknowledgment (don't engage though) and go about your day.
You shouldn't have to make yourself smaller to please him, you've already done enough of that. He's a man child, I'd pity him (after all, you left him for a reason, he's just confirming that you made the right decision!) and go live your own fabulous life.
posted by Jubey at 8:21 PM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Basically, let him know you're not leaving, and then best way for him to get over you is to see you around and realise it's not going to kill him. Block his emails but if you see him in public, nod in acknowledgment (don't engage though) and go about your day.
You shouldn't have to make yourself smaller to please him, you've already done enough of that. He's a man child, I'd pity him (after all, you left him for a reason, he's just confirming that you made the right decision!) and go live your own fabulous life.
posted by Jubey at 8:21 PM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
You do not have to leave - he's acting like an abusive asshole. (And please recognize that sending you a bunch of angry emails after the breakup is a form of emotional abuse and bullying).
I guess my main question is: Do you (really?) "love" your small town with him acting like this in it?
If his antics don't stress you out, and if you have a strong enough community around you to protect you and shield you from his insanity, then I don't see why you should leave. If, however, you are sort of there on your own and/or dealing with his harassment without any local support, I would suggest leaving for your own peace of mind. Not because you have to, but because .. why would you stay in a hostile environment?
posted by Gray Skies at 9:16 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I guess my main question is: Do you (really?) "love" your small town with him acting like this in it?
If his antics don't stress you out, and if you have a strong enough community around you to protect you and shield you from his insanity, then I don't see why you should leave. If, however, you are sort of there on your own and/or dealing with his harassment without any local support, I would suggest leaving for your own peace of mind. Not because you have to, but because .. why would you stay in a hostile environment?
posted by Gray Skies at 9:16 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Dear Ex,posted by blueberry at 9:57 AM on October 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
Your demands that I "get out of town" are not how the reality of breakups work.
You are forty years old; as such, I know you have the ability to cope with a breakup without resorting to harassing people via email. There are professionals you can talk to if you are having trouble.
I would like to remain on good terms with you—saying quick hellos to each other if we pass on the street—but understand that I will tolerate NO further harassment, email or otherwise.
Best,
Anon."
I'm in the minority apparently but I have sympathy for him because he's hurting, and every time he sees you or hears your name that hurt comes flooding back and he has to deal with it all over again. I think if it's much easier for you to move away then you should consider doing so. It really, really sucks being the breakup-ee and then still having to face your ex on a constant basis before you've had time to move on.
( I say this because I was recently in a position where I was forced to see my husband's girlfriend every damn day, and it was absolute agony.) Obviously your situation is different, and I theoretically agree with others that you owe him nothing, but it strikes me as unnecessarily cruel.
posted by a strong female character at 6:00 PM on October 8, 2015
( I say this because I was recently in a position where I was forced to see my husband's girlfriend every damn day, and it was absolute agony.) Obviously your situation is different, and I theoretically agree with others that you owe him nothing, but it strikes me as unnecessarily cruel.
posted by a strong female character at 6:00 PM on October 8, 2015
Yes, it may be sad for him, but he is forty god-damned years old; unless he needs to wrap himself in bubble wrap to go to the grocery store, he can handle it--and if he can't, that's what a therapist's for.
He lost any sympathy the moment he started typing up the first of his multiple harassing emails making stressful, life-changing demands of his ex who's just trying to live her life.
The world is helio-centric, not 40-year-old man-baby-centric.
posted by blueberry at 11:34 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
He lost any sympathy the moment he started typing up the first of his multiple harassing emails making stressful, life-changing demands of his ex who's just trying to live her life.
The world is helio-centric, not 40-year-old man-baby-centric.
posted by blueberry at 11:34 PM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm in the minority apparently but I have sympathy for him because he's hurting, and every time he sees you or hears your name that hurt comes flooding back and he has to deal with it all over again.
I think we can all sympathize with his pain, because I'm sure most of us have endured painful breakups. But dealing with the hurt that comes with being reminded of one's ex is simply something grownups do, and it's on him to deal with it, not her to upend her entire life to ensure he isn't reminded of her.
posted by Gelatin at 4:39 AM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think we can all sympathize with his pain, because I'm sure most of us have endured painful breakups. But dealing with the hurt that comes with being reminded of one's ex is simply something grownups do, and it's on him to deal with it, not her to upend her entire life to ensure he isn't reminded of her.
posted by Gelatin at 4:39 AM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You have a home there. He does not get a vote in what you want to do with your life any more because YOU ARE NOT DATING ANY MORE.
Do not for a second consider moving just for his sake. If you end up deciding to move for other reasons, then fine - but don't move just because you want to be nice to him, because FUCK THAT GUY.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:39 AM on October 7, 2015 [85 favorites]