Why do my friends want to remain group-text only?
October 3, 2015 5:04 PM   Subscribe

I have a group text with some friends from work, and we used to hang out regularly. Now, they seem to only want to be my friend over text and won't ever hang out.

About a year ago, I started a group text with some women that I work with as a way for us to chat about random things. The number of girls in the group has ranged from 7-9. More often than not, it's a way for us to blow off steam by venting about things that happened to us, tell funny stories (because of the nature of our job, most of the things we find hilarious in a work day would probably not be funny to "outsiders" but we love hearing them from each other) and sometimes to share mostly-harmless gossip about other people. I know this statement sounds shallow, but this group text it has genuinely brought me so much happiness and laughter. The messages aren't so frequent to be intrusive or anything, but it's rare that a day goes by without people sharing some stories and it's just nice to have an outlet for these things. Shortly after it started, one of the girls jokingly remarked "I feel like every time I see one of you girls now that we are part of an underground secret society!"

Some background: we're all in our late 20s to early 30s and grad school educated professionals. All the other girls in the group are married except for me (I'm engaged but my fiancé lives in another state) and one other girl who is single. Only one of them has a child.

During the first 6 months or so of the group text being in existence, we would periodically use it to plan get-togethers. Usually they were wine nights or happy hours after work. They would happen on average maybe 1-2 times per month. Our schedules can get pretty hectic, so usually not every single person could make it, but we usually had a pretty good turnout with at least 5-6 people and we would have a blast. Like, it would often start out as a happy hour and I'd look down and realize it was 9pm and we had lost track of time. I genuinely like and respect all of these girls and I felt like we were becoming close friends.

Over time, the outside of work hangouts have gotten less frequent. Some of this is understandable; two of the girls recently changed jobs and are a lot busier now. Our chats, however, are still nearly as frequent as they always were. Even the ones who no longer work directly with us are still pretty active and love hearing the ridiculous stories about their former coworkers. But there's been one distinct change: if I (or very rarely, someone else) suggest getting together, the request is almost always met with complete silence. It's happened too many times to just be coincidence.

Today is a Saturday, and tonight there's a large event going on in the city where we live. Several days ago, multiple people in our chat were excitedly talking about going to it. I have a rare Saturday night free (I'm often working) and I was so excited to get to go and hang out with at least a couple of these people. So this afternoon, right after a discussion about a funny work story, which everyone had been replying to, I asked: "who's going to ____?" It completely killed the conversation. It's been several hours and no one has responded. Similar things have happened over the past couple months as well; someone will mention a new restaurant that is supposed to be good, for example, and often people will make a general statement like "we need a girls night soon!" But as soon as I make a suggestion that narrows it down to a certain time frame, no one will say anything and it never ends up happening!

I know this probably seems petty. But the truth is that I don't have a core group of friends here, and I love these girls and they used to be it! The times that we have hung out as a group, we've all had a fantastic time. I'm generally very easy to get along with; I have a ton of casual acquaintances at work, people generally seem to like me, I have a fiance who I love. I have plenty of out of town friends that I've stayed in touch with throughout the years and that I consider myself to be pretty close with. But last year, I was so excited to finally have a "group" of people who I could call up if I wanted to get a drink or coffee, and it seems to have completely fizzled out.

Is there any point in trying to resurrect what we used to have? Should I give up? Should I back off from group text for awhile? I almost feel betrayed in a way, like they love talking to me at work and over text but when even the idea of hanging out with me outside of work is repulsive to them, or something. I realize this line of thought is pretty absurd. The more likely explanation is that we're all so busy that they're choosing to focus all their free time on their husbands and families. Maybe this is the problem with trying to have friendships revolving around technology -- I falsely think I'm closer to these people than I am just because we share life updates and laugh at each others' jokes several times per day.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer some advice?
posted by pimmscup to Human Relations (23 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I expect your friends are busy, and you may have to change the types of events or timing of events you do to re-appeal to them. I would strongly recommend you contact one of them directly - whoever seems most approachable to you - and ask for her help. Ask if she would help you arrange a happy hour, perhaps, or if a non-drinking event would be better. Say you were thinking how nice it would be to get together and hoping she could help you figure out a time/event that might be a success.

One thing to keep in mind is that when you have 'blast' type communications, it's easy to have a sort of 'bystander effect' in responses. People figure that, 'oh, this invitation isn't aimed at me specificaly, it's aimed at the whole group' and don't feel any responsibility to respond. But in smaller group or 1:1 conversation people are more open and forthcoming with explanations and ideas.
posted by Lady Li at 5:31 PM on October 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


I'm in a similar situation, only I'm on the receiving end. I've stopped replying to invites for a couple of reasons:

1) I just don't enjoy the get-togethers that much, in comparison to other things I have going on in my life. I prefer smaller outings with people I know better. I work at maintaining a "this is awesome girly hangout time!" face, so others may not realize this about me.

2) I've had some weirdness with another person in the group that I don't really know how to resolve, and it's easier just to avoid them.

Another point to consider (which I learned the hard way): work friends are often friends of convenience. This doesn't mean that work friends aren't genuine friends, but often once you don't work with them anymore you don't really see each other much, if at all. That's okay.

It sounds like you are relying on this one group to fulfill your social needs - I understand, I've had some close-knit groups and it is very hard when they fall apart. It's okay to try to revive it, but you might also put out some feelers in other directions and try to make friends through hobbies or interests.

Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 5:48 PM on October 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


They don't have to think you're annoying, but sometimes in these types of group dynamics there's favoritism/two or three friends might be closer where A is like "oh is B and C not going to the thing? Then I probably won't go." (See the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine and George realize they can't really hang out together without Jerry). They might be worried that they'll respond like, "yeah, sure!" and then everyone else flakes out and they realize maybe they want to try and flake too. They also might figure in the group text SOMEONE will respond so there is probably some bystander effect happening as well.

I wouldn't take it personally but if you want to hang with the group you probably want to one-off text the person you're closest with, make a plan, THEN hit the group chat like "hey all, me and Diane are going to this thing. Anyone else in?" Watch it have a way higher success rate.
posted by windbox at 5:55 PM on October 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


Response by poster: @bunderful -- You're right, I kind of am trying to rely on this group to fulfill my social needs. I guess it's a byproduct of the unfortunate combination of a crazy unpredictable work schedule where I often have to work weekends, and the fact that I am an introvert so I am quite often perfectly content sitting on my couch. So it's not like 4 nights a week I'm begging them to hang out with me or anything. It's more like, a couple times a month I find myself getting REALLY lonely and wishing I had local friends to call up, and this is kind of the default "group" that I pick --- although they each have their own default group of husband/family/non work friends/etc and the work people are their secondary group.

My fiancé, bless his heart, is very kind and supportive but his response to this situation was "I don't understand girls, but those girls ALL SOUND LIKE BITCHES AND I DON'T LIKE THEM BEING MEAN TO YOU." Male friendships are different, I guess... Also, he happens to be the type who can sit next to a random stranger at a bar and end up becoming lifetime friends with them so a lot of aspects of my introverted-ness tend to puzzle him sometimes. :)
posted by pimmscup at 5:59 PM on October 3, 2015


Echoing internet fraud detective and windsong, when you have a large group like this, all it takes is one or two Queen Bees who haven't matured past middle school to create a Mean Girls situation. Queen Bees need to make somebody the outsider to reinforce their own sense of worth and inclusion. They will force others to choose them over their target, and if they have some social currency, people will make that choice just because it's easy and they'll go along with the rest of the group. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, necessarily, just that somebody has identified something about you over which you can be ostracized, thus reinforcing their collective insiderness.

I also second the suggestion that you approach the person you feel the most sympatico with and put her on the spot.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 6:01 PM on October 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


I had a similar situation with a large group of friends living in the same city, I (and I think most of the others) started to shy away from these messages because nobody wanted to commit until they knew who was going and how many. There was no one I really disliked, but I didn't want to go if there were too many people, and I also didn't want to go unless there were 2-3 of my favorite people, otherwise I'd feel like a fifth wheel.
posted by skewed at 6:04 PM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


This is really stereotypical but maybe ask the single one first to get together. She may have a more open schedule and be more open to flexible hangouts. Then once you do that, invite the others.

It's a weird thing- sometimes when you text a lot or talk on the phone a lot (the olden days!) then it's almost like you've already caught up and there isn't the need to meet in person which involves scheduling, arrangements, babysitters for one, discussions with partners etc. Sadly, as you get older, it's so much harder to have 'fun'! So, don't take it too personally but like some others have said, their needs are being met through the chat laughs etc. If you still all worked together you may have kept up the outings but things have changed.

Honestly, it's cliched advice for a reason (because it works on a number of levels)- you should probably start volunteering somewhere to take your mind off things and meet some new people.
posted by bquarters at 6:21 PM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Definitely ask who ever it is you get along best with to hang out singly and invite others later if you both feel like that's the thing to do. Keep it light- think of a new person or two to invite too!
There easily could be a queen bee scenario going on, given the age and number of you. If you want to analyze it, look at the patterns of who responds to who's texts favorably. It's usually more obvious in retrospect, and why I shy away from these groups.
posted by TenaciousB at 7:10 PM on October 3, 2015


they each have their own default group of husband/family/non work friends/etc and the work people are their secondary group.

That sounds like you've diagnosed the problem, there.

It's more like, a couple times a month I find myself getting REALLY lonely and wishing I had local friends to call up, and this is kind of the default "group" that I pick

As an introvert who has struggled with this often, it has helped me to find repeating group outings or events that align with my interests. Regular social items on my calendar help to keep that intense loneliness at bay.

Good luck. It's tough out there for an introvert!
posted by bunderful at 7:28 PM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


For group hangouts, you tend to meet some sort of collective inertia, where if you can get some number of people going (cricital mass) then more people will join in. This is especially true in groups where few people do the inviting.

My advice is to send one-on-one texts or arrange something in person at work, and then send out the "Anna and I are going to do X at Y date/time - anyone else want to come? Feel free to just show up!" notification to everyone else.

Try to find a group of core people who are always willing to do things - it makes this sort of event arrangement much easier.
posted by bookdragoness at 7:28 PM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'd stop with the invites, maybe enthusiastically respond to the rare person who does send invites. A lot of people seem to have honeymoon periods with new friends that end when proximity ends, or when they feel like they've met people who are more exciting or whatever, or find it easiest to stick with the work/college network they've already established. I'm sorry, this does suck, but I'd mentally downgrade these people to acquaintances and start looking for other social outlets.
posted by ziggly at 7:37 PM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Update: one of the girls just sent a group message with a photo of the big event tonight. She remarked on what a good sized crowd is there. (This is the first message in hours, since my last message asking if anyone was going.)

I was initially shocked when i saw her send it, but now that I've thought about it, strangely this is kind of comforting to me... Because it confirms that at least on her part, it must be more self centeredness or bystander effect instead of active dislike of me. Because to purposely send that picture, if she had really realized that I've been sitting home alone wishing I had someone who wanted to go with me, that would have been a SUPREMELY bitchy thing to do.

Thanks everyone. I was steeling myself for a bunch of replies telling me there must be something wrong with me to make people dislike me, etc and you all have been very reassuring!
posted by pimmscup at 7:47 PM on October 3, 2015


These are your work acquaintances, not close friends.

Why is it your coworkers fault you were at home? You sent out a very passive feeler to see if anyone was going to go to an event - not, IMO, the same thing as making a real plan.

If you want to actually make friends, make friends. A group chat at work is a good start, but it's just a start. And you will always hurt yourself socially if you take someone else's actions as an attack. I doubt that the other members of this group dislike you, but I suspect they see this group chat thing much more casually than you do.

I agree with everyone saying to set up plans one on one. If you and one other person are doing something, suddenly it's a lot easier to get a group together.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 8:16 PM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Update: one of the girls just sent a group message with a photo of the big event tonight. She remarked on what a good sized crowd is there.

That wasn't nice. She wouldn't be the one I invite out!
Anyway, doubtful if you are getting responses to other stuff, but sometimes those iPhone group messages don;t work well. Something with the settings of I-meassge I think? Anyway it's another good excuse to text people individually.
posted by TenaciousB at 8:38 PM on October 3, 2015


I'd definitely reach out individually to the woman you like best and are the most simpatico with and see if she wants to do stuff one-on-one. I am a pretty social person, and I sometimes find the group stuff exhausting, just because it requires so much more finagling than choosing to grab a drink with one other person, and you have to be so "on" the whole time. The group as a whole may have run its course, but that doesn't mean you can't transition to being more one-on-one friends with some of the women! It's really hard to maintain the same level of friendship with 7-9 people, as you get older (and people transition into the marriage/kids/more work/home ownership thing), but it's possible you could transition into being better friends with fewer of these people, you know? Good luck! Friend transitions are hard.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 9:48 PM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also, not sure where you work, but I would be VERY leery of continuing to participate in texts that bash other coworkers/people involved in your work life. You cannot undo those texts and you don't know who may see them, where allegiances may end up lying, etc. Not to make you paranoid or anxious, and I totally empathize w the desire to blow off steam but if you have to, for the love of god, do it with your fiancé, other friends, or w these friends either in an actual phone call or over an intimate, non-group drink--NOT in print. NOT.IN.PRINT.
posted by bookworm4125 at 1:39 AM on October 4, 2015 [4 favorites]


Why were you sitting at home instead of going to an event you want to go to? Just go and do things when you're lonely. I was informed that there was a film festival in my city and asked to see a film on Friday. But that's totally the kind of thing I'd happily go to alone as well and the screening was not sold out and there were several people sitting alone. So don't let these people determine if you get to go out of the house or not.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:07 AM on October 4, 2015 [7 favorites]


I might well wait for someone else to commit to a "who wants to go to X", not because I dislike you, but because I would prefer to hang out in a larger group than one-on-one. If everyone is waiting for it to be a group thing and dont want to "risk" it just being you two then you never get the critical mass required for a bunch of people to jump in. You totally need a consigner, "myself and Ndine are hitting up blabla on Friday at eight and we are grabbing a bite first at five. So fancies joining us for either or both? If you're eating with I need to book the table by lunch tomorrow, so hit me up".
posted by Iteki at 4:27 AM on October 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


A text group seems very low effort to keep in general touch with friends. In our busy lives, low effort can be really nice. Maybe they somehow want to keep it compartmentalized so it will remain low effort. They subconsciously like the ease of the group and taking it into the physical world would make it one more high effort activity in their lives.
posted by Vaike at 7:58 AM on October 4, 2015


Response by poster: @ablazingsaddle Maybe I'm being too sensitive here, but "if you want to make friends, make friends" seemed kind of harsh to me! A year ago, even 4-6 months ago, I was hanging out in person regularly enough with these girls that I did consider them pretty good friends, and I think they would have said the same about me. I don't think this is a situation where I'm delusional about how much we liked each other in the first place. Obviously I am at the point where I'm realizing there is a transition happening, and that I should probably figure out a way to make some new friends to fill that void. I'm also not sure where I implied I was taking these gestures as "an attack," either. It can be tempting to default to "they must all hate me!" when something like this occurs, but I've been conscious about not assuming malicious intent on any of their parts.

@bookworm4125 -- Maybe I gave the wrong impression about the nature of our conversations. I'm not going to tell you that we've NEVER said anything negative about anyone, but it's not a place for vindictive or malicious gossip about people. We work 60-80 hours a week in a specialized field. The type of work stories we share and the advice we give each other are the type of thing that wouldn't translate well to our spouses, outside friends, or anyone who doesn't do what we do. Yes, we do sometimes vent, but it's more situational venting rather than "I can't stand this person" etc.

@bookdragoness -- I love the phrase "collective inertia." It's so true. The last time we did all hang out as a group, a couple months ago, it went like this: I remarked on group chat that I had impulse-bought a bag of avocados at Costco, so now I had 6 avocados that I didn't know what to do with. Another girl said "sounds like the perfect opportunity for us to have a Mexican food party with guacamole." The next day, I suggested a specific date and time. One girl said she could have us over to her house. For the next 3 days or so, she and I both continued to make plans but there was little response on the group message. We ended up individually texting everyone the day before, and every single group member was able to make it and we had a BLAST, eating tacos and drinking margaritas for several hours and laughing the whole time. But it definitely took some prodding.
posted by pimmscup at 12:43 PM on October 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


I just think you're putting a lot of effort into a very ineffective, casual form of communication. I would not consider work friends automatically real or close friends, but that doesn't mean that you can't get closer with some of these women. Reach out one on one and move from there.

It could also just be that this group has run its course. It happens - don't take it personally. People just get caught up in their own stuff and grow apart. Honestly, getting a group of adults together can get pretty impossible.

Maybe they're trying to exclude you, but I like to assume everyone's intentions are good. Let's just say they're busy and flakey, and it's got nothing to do with how much they like you.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:42 PM on October 4, 2015


I was initially shocked when i saw her send it, but now that I've thought about it, strangely this is kind of comforting to me... Because it confirms that at least on her part, it must be more self centeredness or bystander effect instead of active dislike of me. Because to purposely send that picture, if she had really realized that I've been sitting home alone wishing I had someone who wanted to go with me, that would have been a SUPREMELY bitchy thing to do.

Um...seriously? To me it sounds exactly like she's giving you a giant hint of "nobody wants you or at least I sure don't." I know you categorically don't want to hear or believe this, but.... Well, I've been dropped out of the blue, with no idea what I did wrong and racking my brains for years to figure out what I did to offend, so many times that to me it just sounds like the same thing again. At which point, there's nothing else to do but to move on without them.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:31 PM on October 4, 2015


My impression is that they’re still going out together, but they’re not including you in their plans. Only you can look back and determine if you’ve done something, anything, to alienate one or some of them. If you are really sure that nothing of the sort happened, how about calling (as in on the telephone) one of the women to invite her to coffee? Then see how it goes from there.

Also, there are some people – and I am one of them – who have extremely compartmentalized social lives. I have professional acquaintances all the time wanting to take the business relationship to a more personal one, and It’s just not how I operate, seeing that I already have more friends than I can handle.
posted by Kwadeng at 5:35 AM on October 5, 2015


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