Should I inform her I will be on viagra?
October 3, 2015 1:01 AM Subscribe
During my first intercourse, I experienced what I suppose is performance anxiety. We've arranged to have another private encounter in a couple of days. I have access to viagra. Should I disclose to her I am on the pill? Or is that information a man can keep to himself? Both female and male opinions are much welcome
I recently had my first intercourse with a person I've been dating for around 2 months. We are both young, healthy, athletic people in their 20s. There were, however, a number of factors which made this encounter rather stressful (at least for me). In the days prior to our last date, there had been a fair amount of teasing via text messaging. She would jockingly present herself as having extremely high standards and being uncertain whether I could meet them.
I am a couple of years older than her, and have a full-time job, she is still in college. This, for some reason, made me sense that I was expected to be the more experienced one sexually (which I am not). After some foreplay and my giving her oral sex, she tried to give me a hand job on my flaccid penis and commented on my being very nervous. She giggled and asked me if that was my first time, which really increased my already high level of anxiety. I felt really exposed and somehow humiliated. I lied and said it wasn't my first time.
She tried for a while to get me aroused. At the end I could get an erection, she gave me oral sex, I penetrated her, but lost my erection soon after. As yet another factor adding more stress to the situation, before we moved into the bedroom, while we were making out on the couch, she said we had to be fast because she had to catch a train home in an hour or so.
The day after the event she told me she too was very nervous, and that she wanted me to be honest with her (about it being my first time, I assume). She also said she appreciated my nice gestures towards her in bed (my fingering and licking her, I suppose).
I do not want to underperform next time. I've heard that viagra might help the first few times till you gain some more confidence and can act more relaxed. If I choose to take the pill and she asks about my unexpected virility (I'd rather not discuss it with her, but I want to be prepared) is there some sort of etiquette for dealing with the question?
I recently had my first intercourse with a person I've been dating for around 2 months. We are both young, healthy, athletic people in their 20s. There were, however, a number of factors which made this encounter rather stressful (at least for me). In the days prior to our last date, there had been a fair amount of teasing via text messaging. She would jockingly present herself as having extremely high standards and being uncertain whether I could meet them.
I am a couple of years older than her, and have a full-time job, she is still in college. This, for some reason, made me sense that I was expected to be the more experienced one sexually (which I am not). After some foreplay and my giving her oral sex, she tried to give me a hand job on my flaccid penis and commented on my being very nervous. She giggled and asked me if that was my first time, which really increased my already high level of anxiety. I felt really exposed and somehow humiliated. I lied and said it wasn't my first time.
She tried for a while to get me aroused. At the end I could get an erection, she gave me oral sex, I penetrated her, but lost my erection soon after. As yet another factor adding more stress to the situation, before we moved into the bedroom, while we were making out on the couch, she said we had to be fast because she had to catch a train home in an hour or so.
The day after the event she told me she too was very nervous, and that she wanted me to be honest with her (about it being my first time, I assume). She also said she appreciated my nice gestures towards her in bed (my fingering and licking her, I suppose).
I do not want to underperform next time. I've heard that viagra might help the first few times till you gain some more confidence and can act more relaxed. If I choose to take the pill and she asks about my unexpected virility (I'd rather not discuss it with her, but I want to be prepared) is there some sort of etiquette for dealing with the question?
You should tell her. It is important to tell someone you plan to sleep with that you are on drugs that will affect your confidence or performance.
posted by parmanparman at 1:41 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by parmanparman at 1:41 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
You cant' fix your performance anxiety with viagra. Please try to not put so many expectations on your sexual encounters and try to set aside an evening just to fool around with no expectations so you both can relax.
posted by sukeban at 1:49 AM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by sukeban at 1:49 AM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I do not think you are under any obligation to tell her that you've taken a pill. I am not an MD or pharmacist, but I've known a number of folks who use it. I think it will give you more confidence, relieve some stress, and help make these initial encounters more relaxed/enjoyable.
It is also ok to communicate with her, let her know that you are not used to sex being such a casual thing, and that you'd like to move gently through the process, as opposed to quickies before leaving for the train station.
posted by elf27 at 2:31 AM on October 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
It is also ok to communicate with her, let her know that you are not used to sex being such a casual thing, and that you'd like to move gently through the process, as opposed to quickies before leaving for the train station.
posted by elf27 at 2:31 AM on October 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think she doesn't need to know that you're on Viagra. It's not something that will affect her in any way, therefore it's not her business. If you were using some kind of cream that you applied to your penis which would actually be coming into contact with her body, then yes, she needs to know. She might be allergic to one of the ingredients, for example.
I also think that someone who humiliates you by laughing at you during sex is someone who needs to grow the fuck up and deal with the fact that bodies don't always work in the way we want them to. That kind of behaviour is straight up wrong and nasty. If you tell her you're on Viagra, is she going to shame you for that too?
You might find taking penis in vagina sex off the table to be helpful, too. You seem to have figured out that there's other fun ways to have sex, so do some of those instead. When you're more relaxed around her, then consider PIV as an option. It's sometimes seen as the end point of the race, but there are other, equally as fun things to do.
posted by Solomon at 3:01 AM on October 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
I also think that someone who humiliates you by laughing at you during sex is someone who needs to grow the fuck up and deal with the fact that bodies don't always work in the way we want them to. That kind of behaviour is straight up wrong and nasty. If you tell her you're on Viagra, is she going to shame you for that too?
You might find taking penis in vagina sex off the table to be helpful, too. You seem to have figured out that there's other fun ways to have sex, so do some of those instead. When you're more relaxed around her, then consider PIV as an option. It's sometimes seen as the end point of the race, but there are other, equally as fun things to do.
posted by Solomon at 3:01 AM on October 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
I think instead of taking viagra, you should talk to her a bit more. It sounds like you were a virgin, and it also sounds like she guessed that at some point. I'm still not clear on whether you admitted that to her in your later conversation or not.
At any rate, my advice is: instead of trying to cover this up with more bluster and by using viagra, I think you two should talk some more. Tell her you don't have a lot of sexual experience and tell her you felt a bit nervous and vulnerable last time. Ask her if there are things you can for her to help her feel less nervous too. Tell her that having a time-limit sort of stressed you out. Tell her that next time you'd like to slow down a bit and ask if it's okay if next time the two of you just plan on getting together and fooling around without assuming that it will lead to PIV sex.
And then do that a couple of times. Make sure she gets off and has fun, don't put pressure on yourself to perform a certain way, and just spend some time enjoying being naked with her and touching her and having her touch you. I'm pretty sure after doing that for a little while, you'll get over your nervousness and your equipment will work just fine.
posted by colfax at 3:27 AM on October 3, 2015 [10 favorites]
At any rate, my advice is: instead of trying to cover this up with more bluster and by using viagra, I think you two should talk some more. Tell her you don't have a lot of sexual experience and tell her you felt a bit nervous and vulnerable last time. Ask her if there are things you can for her to help her feel less nervous too. Tell her that having a time-limit sort of stressed you out. Tell her that next time you'd like to slow down a bit and ask if it's okay if next time the two of you just plan on getting together and fooling around without assuming that it will lead to PIV sex.
And then do that a couple of times. Make sure she gets off and has fun, don't put pressure on yourself to perform a certain way, and just spend some time enjoying being naked with her and touching her and having her touch you. I'm pretty sure after doing that for a little while, you'll get over your nervousness and your equipment will work just fine.
posted by colfax at 3:27 AM on October 3, 2015 [10 favorites]
People giggle for all sorts of reasons; I wouldn't necessarily read it as mockery. She could have been expressing her own nervousness, or simply wanting to bring humour into an awkward situation.
I would just relax about all of this. It is a weird thing, after all, suddenly getting intimate with another person. You'll soon start to feel more comfortable with what you're doing and it'll come together. You don't need to take a pill for this.
posted by Flashman at 3:32 AM on October 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
I would just relax about all of this. It is a weird thing, after all, suddenly getting intimate with another person. You'll soon start to feel more comfortable with what you're doing and it'll come together. You don't need to take a pill for this.
posted by Flashman at 3:32 AM on October 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
The first time I took Viagra I was barely out of my twenties (taking it for non-ED but still sex-related reasons), had a legit prescription from a specialist no less, and had no cardiac or vascular health issues (nor have developed any since then), and it still caused me to faint while showering in preparation for my date (I have never fainted before nor since), tearing down the shower curtain and bar and throwing up all over the floor, water everywhere, and left me so out-of-breath and dizzy afterwards I had to reschedule.
When I related all of this to her she just thought it was funny, and later on we had a good time.
So if you decide to use it not only should you go through legit medical channels for safety's sake but as hal_c_on says you should definitely take a dose a couple days or so ahead of time just to make sure you know how you'll react to it.
posted by Sockpuppet Liberation Front at 3:36 AM on October 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
When I related all of this to her she just thought it was funny, and later on we had a good time.
So if you decide to use it not only should you go through legit medical channels for safety's sake but as hal_c_on says you should definitely take a dose a couple days or so ahead of time just to make sure you know how you'll react to it.
posted by Sockpuppet Liberation Front at 3:36 AM on October 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
Medicine is meant to fix something that is not working correctly in your body.
There is nothing wrong with your body though. Bodies and minds and feelings are not separate. Your body was doing its job correctly, expressing your response to being teased and pressured.
You don't have to medicate your way out of a personal and visceral response to someone, to effectively shout over your own subjective experience.
You can try again with her if you like and see if you feel comfortable enough with this young woman to respond physically. If not, don't assume your body is wrong, assume the connection between the two of you is wrong and move on.
posted by flourpot at 5:40 AM on October 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
There is nothing wrong with your body though. Bodies and minds and feelings are not separate. Your body was doing its job correctly, expressing your response to being teased and pressured.
You don't have to medicate your way out of a personal and visceral response to someone, to effectively shout over your own subjective experience.
You can try again with her if you like and see if you feel comfortable enough with this young woman to respond physically. If not, don't assume your body is wrong, assume the connection between the two of you is wrong and move on.
posted by flourpot at 5:40 AM on October 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
First times are always stressful (both the very first time, and every first time with someone new). Be kind to yourself, what you describe is totally normal, both your own stress and hers.
Just tell her that you were totally nervous and excited to be with her for the first time, and that you want to keep seeing her to get over the nervousness (especially in less time-pressured situations).
Viagra as a crutch to get over anxiety isn't at all unusual (and gets suggested in answers here all the time), and personally I think I'd either not say anything or I would tell her in person (not in text!), and definitely not phrased as a shameful confession. I could easily imagine saying something like "hey, my doctor gave me these, I've never tried them but it could be fun, what do you think?"
posted by Dip Flash at 6:22 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just tell her that you were totally nervous and excited to be with her for the first time, and that you want to keep seeing her to get over the nervousness (especially in less time-pressured situations).
Viagra as a crutch to get over anxiety isn't at all unusual (and gets suggested in answers here all the time), and personally I think I'd either not say anything or I would tell her in person (not in text!), and definitely not phrased as a shameful confession. I could easily imagine saying something like "hey, my doctor gave me these, I've never tried them but it could be fun, what do you think?"
posted by Dip Flash at 6:22 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
She's just awful. Seriously. If you do continue with her, don't tell her about the pill. It will just give her more ammunition to tease you about. Women like that can scar you for life so, if you hope to have a medication free boner in your next relationship, you may want to end this one asap.
To answer your question- don't tell her but, yes, do tell anyone that you are having a healthy relationship with. Part of intimacy is being intimate and safely sharing things with the other person, something that you simply cannot do with this woman but should do with future partners.
posted by myselfasme at 8:10 AM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
To answer your question- don't tell her but, yes, do tell anyone that you are having a healthy relationship with. Part of intimacy is being intimate and safely sharing things with the other person, something that you simply cannot do with this woman but should do with future partners.
posted by myselfasme at 8:10 AM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think you should tell her that you're a virgin and were a little bit nervous. If she's worth being with, she'll try to make you comfortable.
Viagra doesn't seem like the answer. But also, not, you don't have to disclose it if you take it, it's not an STI.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:40 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Viagra doesn't seem like the answer. But also, not, you don't have to disclose it if you take it, it's not an STI.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:40 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
The first time with anyone is not representative of the rest of the times. She doesn't sound particularly awful, it is a delicate thing for women to deal with (although it's not a big deal and happens to everyone for various reasons, she's also in bed with YOU for the first time and has her own emotions and anxieties about that.). It's not easy to then say exactly the right thing for you in particular to make you feel okay. I would assume a mistake instead of malice, here, if things with her otherwise feel good.
If I were her, I would totally appreciate you mentioning it was your first time and you were totally nervous and maybe now you are a little anxious about the next time. If she isn't cool with that, maybe you don't want to continue with her. But use your words. I'm sure it will be fine. Part of getting comfortable with your body and someone else's is being able to power through an awkward conversation from time to time.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 9:05 AM on October 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
If I were her, I would totally appreciate you mentioning it was your first time and you were totally nervous and maybe now you are a little anxious about the next time. If she isn't cool with that, maybe you don't want to continue with her. But use your words. I'm sure it will be fine. Part of getting comfortable with your body and someone else's is being able to power through an awkward conversation from time to time.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 9:05 AM on October 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
She's not awful; you're not awful. The situation is inherently awkward. It's understandable that you didn't tell her it was your first time and then got freaked out by her flirtationstyles that were--also completely understandable because she didn't know because she wasn't told--not geared to a first timer and pretty much guaranteed to cause dickwilting performance anxiety in anybody, not just you. I chalk all this up not to either of you being awful but both of you being crazy young and not having a lot of experience with this stuff and the manifold ways it can go wrong. What's encouraging about this is that your communication has gotten a lot better. You've been honest with her, which probably wasn't easy, and now she understands better and you're actually talking.
So nobody's awful; everybody's been behaving pretty decently; and nobody's got permanent broken junk just because this recent entanglement didn't result in movieperfect sex.
Give this another drug-free shot now that some of the psyche-out pressure is off. Make sure next time there's no time pressure. Also, I suggest you declare the sex you had an early draft--not the final draft, not your real first time. You're still a virgin, that was just some heavier-than-usual petting. Set up your real first time with some more intention and planning and good communication and plenty of time. You can always keep a blue pill in your back pocket just in case. But I don't think you'll need it.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:02 AM on October 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
So nobody's awful; everybody's been behaving pretty decently; and nobody's got permanent broken junk just because this recent entanglement didn't result in movieperfect sex.
Give this another drug-free shot now that some of the psyche-out pressure is off. Make sure next time there's no time pressure. Also, I suggest you declare the sex you had an early draft--not the final draft, not your real first time. You're still a virgin, that was just some heavier-than-usual petting. Set up your real first time with some more intention and planning and good communication and plenty of time. You can always keep a blue pill in your back pocket just in case. But I don't think you'll need it.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:02 AM on October 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
She's not awful YET. If you tell her WHY you're nervous -- i.e. that it's your first time -- and she keeps teasing you about performance, that would be kinda awful. I suspect that if you come clean and she's a kind person, she'll be extremely understanding and give you as much time to get over your nervousness as you need.
Don't take the Viagra. Have a conversation about the source of your anxiety. If she makes you feel bad about it, please don't sleep with her; there will be other opportunities, honest. A worthy partner will work with you to address and ease nervousness, not expect you to drug yourself to perform to her satisfaction.
posted by babelfish at 10:36 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't take the Viagra. Have a conversation about the source of your anxiety. If she makes you feel bad about it, please don't sleep with her; there will be other opportunities, honest. A worthy partner will work with you to address and ease nervousness, not expect you to drug yourself to perform to her satisfaction.
posted by babelfish at 10:36 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
You know, even when it is not a man's first sexual experience- erections can come and go. It's especially common when it's a new partner. So even if you have like 50 other partners before her- it just happens some times. And the best lovers don't make a big deal about it because they understand that it just really, really isn't a big deal. Sex is more than intercourse.
Don't take the Viagra. She sounds like maybe she doesn't have a lot of experience herself - so you might need to explain how dicks work to her. Tell her that sometimes, dicks can get shy when man are *over excited* and the best thing to do is just chill out and focus on what feels good- not the shy erection. Women don't have penises and don't really have a good understanding of the mechanics most of the time.
Make sure she understands (and that means you need to understand this first) that your dick being a little shy does not indicate a problem. You're still totally turned on, you're having a good time, that it would be fun to just do other stuff.
Seriously- there is nothing wrong and you don't need medicine to fix it. Take it from a lady who had dozens of oversharing friends- it's so normal that when I read your question I was surprised that no one told you to expect it.
posted by Blisterlips at 11:11 AM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't take the Viagra. She sounds like maybe she doesn't have a lot of experience herself - so you might need to explain how dicks work to her. Tell her that sometimes, dicks can get shy when man are *over excited* and the best thing to do is just chill out and focus on what feels good- not the shy erection. Women don't have penises and don't really have a good understanding of the mechanics most of the time.
Make sure she understands (and that means you need to understand this first) that your dick being a little shy does not indicate a problem. You're still totally turned on, you're having a good time, that it would be fun to just do other stuff.
Seriously- there is nothing wrong and you don't need medicine to fix it. Take it from a lady who had dozens of oversharing friends- it's so normal that when I read your question I was surprised that no one told you to expect it.
posted by Blisterlips at 11:11 AM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
TLDR: you'll get a lot more confidence and a less shy erection from having sex more- and understanding that you don't always need an erection to have satisfying sex.
posted by Blisterlips at 11:16 AM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Blisterlips at 11:16 AM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
About her request to "be honest with her"--I interpret this to mean that she is wondering if your flagging erection was because you aren't really attracted to her.
Do you know how much sexual experience she had, before you started dating? It sounds to me like she was also feeling super vulnerable about having sex with you because she perceives you as older and more experienced. The teasing about having high standards, etc, reads to me like an immature way to present herself as more worldly, in comparison to you who she perceived as more experienced.
I agree with the folks who think it's a bad idea for you to take a potent medication to address the anxiety in this situation. My advice is to really think about whether you want to be physically intimate with someone you don't seem to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable (honest) with. If that teasing stuff is part of a larger personality trait of being mean, then consider that she may not be the girl for you. If it's not--if it really was puffery because she was nervous too--then be brave, be kind to yourself and her, share that you were anxious and inexperienced, reassure her that she is appealing, and try again!
No matter how you address your upcoming date, I also think you have some personal work to do here about accepting who you are. It's totally normal to be anxious, it's totally ok to be inexperienced, it's perfectly human to have fickle erections. Be kind to yourself...
posted by Sublimity at 1:02 PM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Do you know how much sexual experience she had, before you started dating? It sounds to me like she was also feeling super vulnerable about having sex with you because she perceives you as older and more experienced. The teasing about having high standards, etc, reads to me like an immature way to present herself as more worldly, in comparison to you who she perceived as more experienced.
I agree with the folks who think it's a bad idea for you to take a potent medication to address the anxiety in this situation. My advice is to really think about whether you want to be physically intimate with someone you don't seem to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable (honest) with. If that teasing stuff is part of a larger personality trait of being mean, then consider that she may not be the girl for you. If it's not--if it really was puffery because she was nervous too--then be brave, be kind to yourself and her, share that you were anxious and inexperienced, reassure her that she is appealing, and try again!
No matter how you address your upcoming date, I also think you have some personal work to do here about accepting who you are. It's totally normal to be anxious, it's totally ok to be inexperienced, it's perfectly human to have fickle erections. Be kind to yourself...
posted by Sublimity at 1:02 PM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
There's giggling WITH someone, and there's giggling AT someone. This sounds like the second version. Sure, sex is awkward and giggling happens in awkward situations but it sounds more like giggling then questioning you which made you more uncomfortable. A "be honest" and "is it your first time" conversation is great! Outside of the bedroom!
I don't think you should have sex with this person. They don't sound supportive or encouraging. I mean, they put a limit on the first time you're together when you both seemed nervous which would only make people MORE nervous. Talk about watching the clock, uhg. I mean that's fine for a quickie when you're already in a relationship - but not at this point when you're just trying to get to know each other.
You don't need viagra. You need a better sexual partner or to talk to this partner outside of the bedroom before sexy stuff to get things straight and be on the same page. And definitely don't just pop a pill and head over there. They can have tons of side effects - though I don't think you'd need to tell her if you did take one (and again, I think you just shouldn't have sex with this person.)
As anecdata - my husband had similar issues within the first few weeks of us dating. When it wasn't working out, I asked "Is everything okay?" because I wanted to make sure he wasn't hurt or something and then when he said "It's just not working." I said "Okay" and we snuggled and giggled together at the situation. Turns out he had bronchitis and that's why. Either way though, I didn't shame him or giggle at him or ask him to "be honest" I just checked to make sure everything was cool (he didn't pull a muscle or I didn't hurt him or whatever) and then we moved on.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:17 PM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think you should have sex with this person. They don't sound supportive or encouraging. I mean, they put a limit on the first time you're together when you both seemed nervous which would only make people MORE nervous. Talk about watching the clock, uhg. I mean that's fine for a quickie when you're already in a relationship - but not at this point when you're just trying to get to know each other.
You don't need viagra. You need a better sexual partner or to talk to this partner outside of the bedroom before sexy stuff to get things straight and be on the same page. And definitely don't just pop a pill and head over there. They can have tons of side effects - though I don't think you'd need to tell her if you did take one (and again, I think you just shouldn't have sex with this person.)
As anecdata - my husband had similar issues within the first few weeks of us dating. When it wasn't working out, I asked "Is everything okay?" because I wanted to make sure he wasn't hurt or something and then when he said "It's just not working." I said "Okay" and we snuggled and giggled together at the situation. Turns out he had bronchitis and that's why. Either way though, I didn't shame him or giggle at him or ask him to "be honest" I just checked to make sure everything was cool (he didn't pull a muscle or I didn't hurt him or whatever) and then we moved on.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:17 PM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
i would be pretty insulted if my partner lied about their level of experience and then tried to cover up that lie with drugs. if you can't be honest with her about being a virgin, about your insecurities, you shouldn't be having sex with her. on top of that, it sounds like your flirtation styles don't match, but it seems to me you haven't actually given her a fair chance to be supportive because you've been covering how you feel with bravado.
posted by nadawi at 6:44 AM on October 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 6:44 AM on October 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Viagra is for a physical condition, which you don't have.
Nervousness is totally and completely normal. We have this weird notion that men must be under control of their penises at all times. Take a moment to think about how many random erections you get through the day and ponder about how ridiculous the idea of being able to have an iron-bar hardon on-demand is.
It sounds to me like what you need is a partner who is caring and supportive, not demanding. (It's entirely possible that her nervousness comes out as being demanding/etc!)
Your best bet is to have an honest conversation. "So... yes it was actually my first time and I was really nervous because of that and the time constraint. Next time can we keep things more chill?" (One of the bonuses of open and honest communication is that it shows vulnerability, which increases intimacy, which makes sex way better.)
One of the other weird notions we have--reinforced by movies and porn, I think--is that there's this set Order of Operations For Sex. Kiss, lick appropriate parts, insert tab A into slot B. Sex really doesn't have to work like that! You can totally go from making out to fucking to oral sex to more fucking to giggling and tickling each other. (Subject to how you are both feeling about the current/next item on the menu).
I feel, though, that your best first step really is an open, adult conversation about both of your feelings regarding sex. This is a discussion that needs to be had in person (not phone or text or email), with clothes on.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:35 AM on October 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nervousness is totally and completely normal. We have this weird notion that men must be under control of their penises at all times. Take a moment to think about how many random erections you get through the day and ponder about how ridiculous the idea of being able to have an iron-bar hardon on-demand is.
It sounds to me like what you need is a partner who is caring and supportive, not demanding. (It's entirely possible that her nervousness comes out as being demanding/etc!)
Your best bet is to have an honest conversation. "So... yes it was actually my first time and I was really nervous because of that and the time constraint. Next time can we keep things more chill?" (One of the bonuses of open and honest communication is that it shows vulnerability, which increases intimacy, which makes sex way better.)
One of the other weird notions we have--reinforced by movies and porn, I think--is that there's this set Order of Operations For Sex. Kiss, lick appropriate parts, insert tab A into slot B. Sex really doesn't have to work like that! You can totally go from making out to fucking to oral sex to more fucking to giggling and tickling each other. (Subject to how you are both feeling about the current/next item on the menu).
I feel, though, that your best first step really is an open, adult conversation about both of your feelings regarding sex. This is a discussion that needs to be had in person (not phone or text or email), with clothes on.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:35 AM on October 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've been thinking about this question since you posted it and it's making me sad still. I'm going to do a little self-disclosure in the interests of normalizing your experience.
I can count on one hand the number of dudes I've had sex with who didn't have the occasional Troubles. That's out of a lifetime sample north of N=60.
This is just not something to medicate. It's a normal and healthy part of life. Neither you nor your GF should be the least bit worried about it.
This question is an excellent example of how The Patriarchy Hurts Men Too.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 2:56 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I can count on one hand the number of dudes I've had sex with who didn't have the occasional Troubles. That's out of a lifetime sample north of N=60.
This is just not something to medicate. It's a normal and healthy part of life. Neither you nor your GF should be the least bit worried about it.
This question is an excellent example of how The Patriarchy Hurts Men Too.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 2:56 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've also had recent experiences with performance anxiety as a 30s male with my first time and want to echo others in that you are perfectly normal. I tried Viagra and my mindset more than the pill helped move things along. Make sure to take the pressure off the next time. In my last relationship we were unable to remove this type of pressure in a constructive manner and it eventually ended. Just be comfortable with yourself and her.
Things that have helped me include yoga, sexual therapy, and the book Come as You Are which describes anxieties that may arise. I know that this is frustrating and hard, but you and your GF should not be worried about it. If you are comfortable enough you shouldn't need Viagra.
posted by eeep at 11:43 AM on October 6, 2015
Things that have helped me include yoga, sexual therapy, and the book Come as You Are which describes anxieties that may arise. I know that this is frustrating and hard, but you and your GF should not be worried about it. If you are comfortable enough you shouldn't need Viagra.
posted by eeep at 11:43 AM on October 6, 2015
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Viagra is a prescription medication and not without medical side effects and risks. It is not your prescription (unless you have a very unethical MD friend) and it is absolutely not what is called for in this situation.
You shouldn't have sex with someone who treats you poorly and with whom you feel uncomfortable. Don't try to medicate your way out of that, it's risky and potentially emotionally damaging.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 1:34 AM on October 3, 2015 [42 favorites]