Well great. What do I do now?

September 28, 2015 10:46 AM

I never thought I'd be posting a relationship question, but here we are. I don't want an LDR and I don't like talking on the phone. That's the least of it.

About a week and a half ago I went to dinner with two longtime friends and the brother, visiting from the opposite coast, of one of those friends. I had known sister and brother since we were small children. Sister and I grew up together and were in the same class, and we have recently rekindled our friendship. I haven't seen the brother for many, many years. I remembered him as charming and funny. Brother still is very charming, smart, and hilariously funny. The four of us had a wonderful time at dinner. But I don't want him for a boyfriend for several reasons. First, He's not my type. At all. I'm not attracted to him physically. This is important to me. I do understand that attraction can grow, but at the moment it's a no-go. Second, although he's sold his house and may eventually land back here, that won't be for quite some time and I'm absolutely not open to a long-distance relationship.

Ms. Dolley is assuming a lot, you say? Well, you'd be right except that today I got this e-mail:

Dolley-
Has it really been over one week since we had dinner together…would love to hear your voice again and talk about everything and nothing….alas, I do not have your phone number…
-B(rother)

What do I do? Adding to the list of negatives, I do not enjoy talking on the phone. HALP!

Can I reply to his e-mail like this:
Hi B,

Time does fly, doesn't it? Will you be back in ~ourcity~ any time soon? It would be nice to get together again.

Dolley

I like him, he's sweet and smart and fun to hang around with, but not my type for a relationship. We are in our 60s, if that colors it at all. I don't want to lead him on, I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with his sister, and I don't want to be his girlfriend.

posted by Dolley to Human Relations (12 answers total)

I'm missing the part where he says he wants to date you or is interested in a relationship.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:50 AM on September 28, 2015 [8 favorites]

Best answer: I think your reply just needs one thing to make your intentions more clear (but in a polite way):

Time does fly, doesn't it? Will you be back in ~ourcity~ any time soon? It would be nice to get together with you and your sister again.

Voila. :)
posted by Halo in reverse at 10:51 AM on September 28, 2015 [21 favorites]

Best answer: How about "Hi B, I enjoyed dinner the other night with you and Rita and Kate. It was fun to be together with old friends. Unfortunately I'm one of those people who really does not like talking on the phone. I do hope that the next time you are here visiting with Rita we can all get together again. Cheers, Dolley."
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 10:53 AM on September 28, 2015 [20 favorites]

Best answer: roomthreeseventeen, I pick up a certain vibe from "would love to hear your voice again and talk about everything and nothing…. He also uses the word "alas." Totally has the hots for Dolley.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 10:57 AM on September 28, 2015 [33 favorites]

we do not know his intentions. tell him you are more of a texter type. Then give him your number and barely text back. He will get the point.

Unless you really are attracted to him.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:06 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I agree with your assessment that this is a flirty email testing the waters for some sort of romantic something. I would say something to the effect of:

Hi B,

It was great to see you and your sister last week and I hope we can all have dinner together again next time you are in town -- it was such a fun group! I must admit I am one of those people who does very badly with phone calls, but please do let me know next time you are the area -- I don't see your sister often enough as it is and it is always good to reconnect with friends!

Best, Dolley

Basically, an emphasis on friendship, group interactions, and his sister, and a flat out NO on the phone situation.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:08 AM on September 28, 2015 [25 favorites]

Best answer: To me, your response makes it sound like there's still a chance you're interested, so I would definitely go with something more like what ThatCanadianGirl or rainbowbrite are suggesting (and I wouldn't open any doors for texting - easier to just shut him down once, now). My version would be something like Time does fly, doesn't it? I really enjoyed the chance to get together with old friends. I'm afraid I'm not much of a phone person, but I hope you, Sister, and I can get together again the next time you're in town.
posted by DingoMutt at 11:09 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Also - for those saying that we don't know for sure that he's hitting on Dolley -- who cares? She hates talking on the phone regardless, and also doesn't want to start up some platonic phone friendship. A response that focuses on friends, groups, and not liking the phone has plausible deniability for everyone, and if it turns out his intentions were 100% platonic, it will still accomplish what it needs to.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:10 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

Best answer: You can reply and say "It was such a blast seeing you and (sister)! Let me know next time you're in (X city) together so we can all hang out again." That makes it clear that you're just friends who see each other when you're in town, and that the sister is the foundation of your relationship and you aren't interested in a one-on-one relationship with just him -- but it's still nice. You don't need to directly respond to the phone thing because he should get the message when you don't send him your phone number. Or, honestly, just ignore the email. I do think your email reply makes it sound like you're interested if interpreted in a hopeful way.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:40 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks everyone!
posted by Dolley at 3:04 PM on September 28, 2015

As a person who passionately hates the phone, but is actively involved in an LDR- well, you don't want an LDR, but skype/google hangouts/facetime really is different from the phone.

I can't understand people well over the phone, and I can't read tone/emotion from audio alone. So I was pretty worried about starting an LDR, because @#$^@ phone. But being able to see the person makes a huge difference in the way I feel about long distance communication, as it turns out.
On the other hand if your dislike of the phone is that it ties you to a device, that's only more true with video chat (the other person will see if you pick up your knitting/juggling/whatever).

So- first, figure out what would be your ideal. If you would actually be interested in conversing with this person if you didn't have to do it by phone, I'd encourage you to give one of the video chat services a try. If you'd rather just meet with him when he's in town, and it's not going to go further, then say that. If you'd rahter only meet with him with his sister around, say that. But if you'd like to see him alone-- well, if you don't want an LDR, you don't, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun chatting with this guy when he's around or via your preferred method-- if that's what you want, of course.

Then respond to him accordingly.
posted by nat at 3:05 PM on September 28, 2015

Best answer: I think continuing to talk with him will kinda be "leading him on." Which is to say that (a) he would not be fishing like this if he wasn't interested romantically, (b) giving him easy phone contact access is going to get him calling you when you don't want him to, and (c) if I were you, I would dissuade him from further contact with you unless he's in town in person. I would go with That Canadian Girl's suggestion--don't give him a number even for texting.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:30 PM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]