How can I deal with this cat who hates me?

September 24, 2015 7:35 AM

I'm staying in the same apartment as a cat this week and so far, things have gone terribly. Help me make it not terrible.

I'm staying with friends this week in their apartment. They have a kitty. I grew up with cats, so I'm not sure why my fear is so huge. The car and I started off on the wrong foot when I came into the apartment after my flight. She immediately hissed at me. I've met this cat once before, about 2.5 years ago. I went to use the bathroom, and she waited outside, hissing and scratching angrily at the door. I spent half an hour in there, just freaking out. I eventually wrapped my legs in a towel and waddled to the kitchen to find her treats to toss in her direction. That worked temporarily, and we just spent the next hour or two existing together in this tiny apartment until my friends got home.

She's been hissing and swiping at me since. She rubbed against my legs once, in the presence of my friends. She hides under the bed and hisses uncontrollably when I walk by. Today was exceptionally bad because I made a big deal of walking by (kept starting to walk by, got too scared, probably freaked her out, dropped my towel by her, scared her.). Once I finally walked by, she lunged at me a few times, growled, wailed, hissed, got her claws stuck on my leggings. Once I got her off me and got to the other side of the room, I actually burst into tears. I feel like we've established a really bad habit of interaction and I've got four more nights to stay. (This morning, I woke up to her sitting on the floor and just staring at me.)

I'm terrified and I'm sure she is too. I know I'm being a baby but I guess I'm freaked out by animals jumping on me / scratching me.

Any tips on how to make nice with this cat?

posted by sucre to Pets & Animals (31 answers total)

Keep up with the treats. Toss them away (but not too far away) from you, so the cat has a distinct choice between "Hiss at strange human" and "Get yummy treat". Odds are it'll go for the latter. You can do it for four days without screwing up the cat too much, and she might eventually figure out "Strange human gives me yummy treats -- strange human can't be that bad."
posted by Etrigan at 7:40 AM on September 24, 2015

Keep feeding her. Don't wear hats. Don't approach her directly. If you see her standing somewhere, stop and turn slightly away until she moves in a different direction. Essentially, act like she's the dominant cat in the house. I've personally only seen cats act like this with other cats, so maybe someone else has more suggestions.
posted by fiercekitten at 7:42 AM on September 24, 2015

Best answer: I would ignore her completely. Keep feeding her, obviously, but otherwise act like she's not there. I think things will likely improve as she comes to realize you are not threatening.
posted by something something at 7:45 AM on September 24, 2015 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Cats like strangers who leave them alone.
posted by y2karl at 7:50 AM on September 24, 2015 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I've been there TWICE. I love cats but many cats get very scared and stressed out by new people in their space.

Things that worked with me:

1) Both times, the cat wasn't allowed into the room I was sleeping in. This was good. If ever I got too freaked out I could retire to that room, close the door and know I would be safe and the cat, too, would not have to deal with the stress of my presence.

2) Don't look at the cat. Direct eye-contact can be threatening to a cat. Just pretend it isn't there.

3) Don't give the cat treats after it hisses at you - that's positively reinforcing its bad behaviour. When she is being calm, then you can feed her if you want to. But I would recommend just ignoring her.

4) Feliway or similar, if the cat's owners are okay with that.

5) Jeans and shoes on all the time in case she scratches you again.

6) I tried to do a lot of cat-calming behaviours - angling my body away, blinking slowly, yawning.
posted by Ziggy500 at 7:51 AM on September 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Man, no. HELL to the NO. Cat is not dominant, you are. (I mean, unless this is one of those once-in-a-blue-moon tigercat scenarios like when the family were locked in their bedroom by their pissed-off Maine coon or whatever it was--it made the national news. It made the national news because a cat really capable of kicking ass is very very rare--and this cat is not that cat. This cat is overwhelmingly likely to be just a garden variety A-hole. They're everywhere and they do not get to rule the roost. Only the superhero tigercats willing to throw down against their much larger much louder much scarier owners have earned the right to do that.) Do not cower in a corner and cry, find your inner topcat and go with it. If the little snot hisses at you, make a very loud very angry noise back and advance, don't retreat. Don't throw food at it when it acts like an absolute tool, that's insane! Do not physically harm the cat but feel free to terrify it out of its wits with noise and threat displays. You wanna be a meanie cat? Fine, good luck with that: meet your new roomie, enraged chimpanzee.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:52 AM on September 24, 2015 [10 favorites]

I would ignore her completely.

This can be a very effective method, because cats typically believe themselves to be the masters of the "I'm not paying any attention to you so you have to pay attention to me" game and if you have the gall to try to play the same game against them by say, reading a book instead, they will come over for the purposes of showing you/proving to you how you're playing that game wrong and that they're so much better at it.
posted by radwolf76 at 7:55 AM on September 24, 2015 [7 favorites]

That, too--you only talk to the cat when it's talking to you. Otherwise you pretend it isn't there--that's basic good catiquette. If it's talking nice, you talk nice back. If it's talking like a jerk, you go off like an M80 and it stops talking that way to you that instant forever.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:00 AM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I agree with the responses that say to ignore the cat as much as possible, be non-threatening, and provide food during the calm moments. The cat is afraid, and you want to make it less afraid by being non-scary.
posted by isthmus at 8:01 AM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Please do not try to dominate the cat by scaring it. Fear is difficult to unlearn, particularly if it is caused by a traumatic event -- and a giant hairless monkey yelling and stomping near you, especially if the monkey is looking directly at you while doing this, is likely to be very traumatic.

The cat is already scared of you, as you mentioned. This is probably not linked to a traumatic event, though, so the cat could work its way past it. However, you can't discount the possibility that someone who looks like you scared the cat in the past.

Since it's just for a week, I'd try

1) avoid eye contact; just be a random large thing in the environment who is non-threatening;

2) avoid surprising the cat -- announce yourself in a calm voice if you enter a room where the cat may be secluded.

Other ideas:

- Make comfortable cat places in every room which feel safe and removed from your usual traffic pattern. Under the couch is obvious, but on the other hand, if you are sitting on the couch that's fairly close to the cat. If the cat cat get to a high place where she can see the area, and see where you are, she'll be happier.

Maybe on top of the refrigerator, for instance, or on top of a high dresser -- make sure there are easy paths for her to climb up and down. If she has a cat tower, move it to a corner of the room where she can sit on top and see what's going on but not be near where you'll walk.

- Put the things she needs together in a safe room where you never go (like her owners' bedroom, or an office) so she can avoid crossing paths with you. I wouldn't necessarily _move_ her current food dishes and litter box, but, for example, put supplementary food dishes down in a safe place.

Sorry you both are going through this!
posted by amtho at 8:06 AM on September 24, 2015 [13 favorites]

To emphasize: I was raised to believe that dominating animals into submission was the thing to do. I've since learned that this has a lot of drawbacks, and is not necessary. If you scare the cat further, the behavior you list is likely to worsen.

Also, it will upset your friends a lot.
posted by amtho at 8:08 AM on September 24, 2015 [8 favorites]

Yeah, I would think about the space. If you're in a small space, are you (inadvertently) looming over her? Are you cutting off access to one of her favored spots (hiding spot, litter, feeding area, sleeping area)? I'd try to think about those and where you can position yourself to be as clearly not-threatening as possible. Then yeah, act like you don't see her, yawn, blink, do the equivalent of "I'm just grooming my paw here, definitely not worried about any other cats nearby" body-language.

If she actually scratches you, in that moment I think it's ok to hiss loudly at her, but otherwise I wouldn't escalate the conflict - I think it will make her behavior worse. Do her owners do squirt-bottle at all?
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:13 AM on September 24, 2015

Please do not respond to this cat's fear by making it more afraid of you than it already is. Please don't subscribe to a dominance model of animal interaction. Work on being calm around the cat and not reacting to its aggression, yes - but don't make things worse by exacerbating this cat's fear of you.

Are there specific places that you tend to be that are in the cat's 'territory'? Could you get one of those Feliway diffusers to put there? I know they're a little pricey, but supposedly they do help a cat to chillax.

Otherwise, consider perusing Jackson Galaxy's website - he's got a whole section of aggression advice that should help you both understand the problem from the cat's point of view, and give you ideas on how to address it. Yes, this is the My Cat from Hell guy - I feel a little silly recommending this, but he's got a very humane and cat-oriented approach that seems to be quite effective.

Good luck, this has got to be really upsetting.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:20 AM on September 24, 2015 [4 favorites]

First of all, skip the towel and just wear pants. The towel makes you nervous, and the cat probably thinks you're a scary crazy monster because it's never seen a human do that with a towel.

Second, continue using treats to distract her.

Third, keep a squirt/spray bottle with water handy and spritz her if she starts acting aggressive.

Fourth, she isn't being aggressive by staring at you; she's just trying to figure you out. (And also maybe secretly burning with hatred, but it's still not aggressive.)

Fifth, in my experience, cats express their disgust by peeing on your stuff. If she's not doing that, I'd guess she's just wigged out by you, not trying to dominate you.
posted by samthemander at 8:21 AM on September 24, 2015 [5 favorites]

"The cat is afraid, and you want to make it less afraid"
Nope.

This is not the behavior of a cat suffering from fear:
"Once I finally walked by, she lunged at me a few times, growled, wailed, hissed, got her claws stuck on my leggings. Once I got her off me and got to the other side of the room, I actually burst into tears. ...This morning, I woke up to her sitting on the floor and just staring at me." Not to mention you were in the bathroom with the door closed and the cat's out there hissing and clawing the door down, all, "oh no you don't, that is MY room. In fact, ALL OF THIS IS MINE GET OUT." If it were afraid it would be running and hiding and being quiet. It would not be menacing and hissing and staring and invading personal space and in general being a dick. It's not a frightened animal, it's an animal unwilling to share territory. The poor thing thinks "O dag, my people are gone and now there's some new person I don't much like. Must drive her awaaaay!" Well, that's understandable and we can have sympathy for it, but no: that's not going to be a workable solution.

You are afraid of the cat, not the other way around, and that is not a healthy situation for the cat because you are its temporary guardian, making the important decisions, responsible for its welfare. If it finds you irritating, it can go be in another part of the house. There is no reason it needs to be near you other than it wants to show you who's boss or entertain itself. Well, no. You are not its catnip mouse. It does not run the show.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:24 AM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Wear some pants, ignore it, and get on with your life.
posted by metasarah at 8:52 AM on September 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

It occurs to me, maybe you came in with a smell on your clothes that the cat is freaked out by? If it's easy, might consider running your clothes (or just your pants?) in the laundry with your friends' laundry detergent -- might help you to smell more familiar.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:54 AM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm not seeing the #1 solution that is found in every angsty-cat thread: Feliway. I know you don't live with this cat regularly, but in the future if you have to stay in this apartment, I'd come bearing a feliway plug-in. It chills cats out almost without fail.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 9:17 AM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Have you spoken to your friends about this? What do they think? Is this common behavior for their cat? Would they be open to enclosing her in one room while you're in the house?

It seems strange to me that this cat is terrorizing you but you don't mention what the cat's owners are doing to help you at all.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:28 AM on September 24, 2015 [4 favorites]

Treats, soft voice, ignore. Quit using a towel to defend your legs and just give her as much space as she needs from you.

You're in HER home and cats can be funny about strangers coming into their home. Please don't fight fire with fire, it will only escalate the tense situation and give the cat more reason to distrust visitors. If I were the owner of the cat, you being mean to her would be a big problem. I'd probably already be a little embarrassed that my cat was being rotten to you, but if you come back w/aggression--to a cat for goodness sake!--I'd be angry at my guest.

My old cat once bit my cousin's toe while she was sleeping over on the sofa. We laughed insanely over that, but cousin didn't retaliate at the cat, because that is a ridiculous reaction. It's also cruel to threaten, scare or harm a defenseless animal for defending it's territory, whether or not that instinct is proper according to us humans.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 9:30 AM on September 24, 2015 [5 favorites]

I would ignore her completely. Keep feeding her, obviously, but otherwise act like she's not there.

This, ftw.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:34 AM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

She is absolutely reacting from fear. Think of it this way: some people, when frightened, will act terrified - they'll respond to the "flight" response and disengage, and some people, when frightened, will response to the "fight" response and engage. The cat is terrified and engaging with you defensively. Please ignore the "dominance" suggestions, as dominance bull-puckey has been discredited for about a decade now in dogs... I have no idea how it's sticking around for cats.

If you want to make friends, offer treats and toys to form positive connotations with your presence. If you don't, just throw toys to redirect her stressed, frustrated reactions: the animal feels fear -> engages a defensive response... instead, you will redirect her stress and over-stimulation into hunting and play behaviour. I would try grabbing a cheap laser pointer from the dollar store or pet store (five bucks, max) and playing with her for five or ten minutes, twice a day to help drain off some of the nervous energy as well. Not many cats can resist laser pointers!

If the defensive reaction is getting serious, keep keys or a can with coins in it and shake it loudly when she pounces, as a deterrent - but positive reinforcement will work better and won't run the risk of having a long-term negative effect on her interaction with people.

And try framing this inside your head in more charitable ways. I understand it's unpleasant to be scratched and bitten, but the animal doesn't 'hate' you. She's scared and you're effectively an intruder into her safe space; I imagine most people would react the same way! I find that if I'm dealing with a difficult animal, it's easier for me to react calmly when I frame it as a fear reaction (so my brain goes "aww, poor animal, how can I make this easier on you?") rather than a malicious reaction (which makes the human brain aggressive and reactive).
posted by Nyx at 9:34 AM on September 24, 2015 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you all for the tips. To clarify, I'm staying with my friends, not taking care of the cat. My friends had already gone to work this morning when the cat and I were interacting. I think she is calmer when they are around, and she can see that I'm not threatening, that I'm their friend, etc, although she has hissed and batted at me while they are home.

The apartment is very small, without real doors, though there is a sliding door. Kitty goes through the crack in the sliding door to get to her litter box in the office (at night) and she passes by my couch bed while doing this. It sounds like this kitty has gotten more aggressive recently; apparently another person house-sat for a bit, and he ended up sleeping on the couch because kitty "wouldn't let" him sleep on the bed. So I'm not the first person the cat has acted this way toward. My friends know about her behavior, and they kind of tsk-tsk her when she hisses at me. I hate to make a big deal of it. I'm out and about today, going to museums, and all I can think about is the next cat attack.

I'll try to borrow jeans from my friend. I'll try to ignore the cat more and not stare directly at it. There's just a teeny gap by the bed where I have to walk in order to get to the bathroom / main door, and she just perches under the bed and attacks when I walk past.

Thanks for all the advice. I hate this. Hopefully she and I can be more friendly these next few days!
posted by sucre at 10:19 AM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

If your friends, the cat's owners, are present and living there while you stay over then they should be taking measures to protect you from their cat.

If my cat acted out like that, it would find itself temporarily locked in the bathroom until I could sort out a Feliway diffuser for the apartment.

This is exactly what your friends should do. Why are you here on ASkMe? If they won't fix this, stay elsewhere. Then downgrade these folks to acquaintances.
posted by jbenben at 10:36 AM on September 24, 2015 [6 favorites]

Seriously, redirect her with thrown toys when you walk by her stalking spots. Or block them off. She's overstimulated.

If you can't do anything else, put a big piece of cardboard there and use it to shield her view. She may still strike the cardboard - she can't cope with you in any other way. Like a baby that cries because it has no other way to communicate frustration, the cat is afraid and trying to drive out strange and frightening stimuli.

The owners REALLY need to work on socialization, not "tsk tsk". This is the downside of small animals - their stress and frustration is "cute", or just seen as a mild issue - I promise it isn't a mild issue for the CAT and doesn't seem like it's one for their guests either.
posted by Nyx at 12:00 PM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Can she stay in the office with some food and water (and her litter box) (and a radio playing, and a window I hope) while your friends are not there?
posted by amtho at 1:04 PM on September 24, 2015

Good lord, in that case, bail immediately. I was assuming you had to be there, but if you're not responsible for this cat, there's no reason to put yourself through this. Fleeeee!
posted by Don Pepino at 1:23 PM on September 24, 2015

It sounds like the cat needs more territory so that she'll feel less threatened by strangers invading what little space she has. The owners probably need to do some 'catifying' of the apartment (expanding the vertical space with cat trees, shelving, etc), and they should put out an extra litter box somewhere where she doesn't have to walk past the invading guest. But if they're not taking it seriously that their cat is attacking people, I don't know what you can get accomplished in a week.

Getting a Feliway plug-in can't hurt though. And I agree with everyone else about not engaging in direct eye contact, and walking with purpose but not running or making sudden movements. Sometimes the safest thing to do around an angry cat is to just sit still with your eyes closed. It communicates to them that you are not an aggressor (since the predator stares down the prey it is stalking) and that you are not their prey either (since you are showing by ignoring them that you don't believe they are any threat to you).
posted by oh yeah! at 1:31 PM on September 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Now I'm worried about this kitten. It sounds like maybe it's only recently become a psychokitty when before now it was fine with visitors? Maybe there's a logical explanation, like maybe it was fine with visitors in the old apartment that had doors and 500 additional square feet but since the move it has been a different story. (Or maybe it's always been like this and they're remembering a sweetnatured cat who never was.) But if its personality is changed and nobody can think why, then the owners should think about taking kitty to see the vet, just to be on the safe side. Suddenly it has a hair-trigger temper and is aggressive? Maybe it's in pain.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:42 PM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

There's just a teeny gap by the bed where I have to walk in order to get to the bathroom / main door, and she just perches under the bed and attacks when I walk past.

Can you get your friends to eliminate that ambush zone while you're there? Maybe not block it off entirely, since she probably needs the security of her hiding places, but just stuff some pillows/shoeboxes/whatever into the gap, so that she can't see your feet passing by.
posted by oh yeah! at 4:48 PM on September 24, 2015

Response by poster: Thank you all for the amazing advice! Things have gotten a lot better. I described the situation to my pals and they helped me and the cat get more comfortable with each other. We knelt down on the floor with her and she rubbed up against us, and I got the courage to pet her once. I've been wearing jeans / tights and boots around her when possible, and just trying to exist calmly in her presence versus intense interacting. So far, she had left me alone. Hooray! (Though I haven't been alone with her again since the incident).

I definitely did not want to scare her / act aggressive back toward her. I think she got freaked because I entered her home without warning, and hid in the bathroom for far too long, and then just acted crazy nervous around her. Like I'd hesitate before walking by and just build up the anticipation of being scratched, and I bet she could sense my nervous energy.

Thank you again for all the help. I'm definitely still a little jumpy around her, but she has gotten used to me, it seems, and I found that wearing leg and foot protection really helps my mental state too.
posted by sucre at 9:46 AM on September 25, 2015 [4 favorites]