Disappointing Maid of Honour
September 21, 2015 8:28 AM Subscribe
My MoH has been disappointing, not out of spite, but that's just who she is. My head understands this, but my heart is sad. Please help me accept it emotionally. This is sort of a "My husband forgot our anniversary or did not buy me a nice present. How do I accept this" type of question and not DTMFA.
It'll be three weeks to my wedding, hooray! I recently saw another question on the Green about nice things one can do for her friend on her hen night. It made me sad as my MoH has made about 5% of the effort of what some of the other posters have made/ suggested. I decided to have only one MoH and no bridesmaid as it'll be a small wedding. But maybe this was a mistake.
While in spirit, she has been excited for me and has come to two dress fittings, she hasn't been in any way organize-y or has made my wedidng in any way a priority.
She's been busy (although I have been busy too, planning two wedding receptions, honeymoon, started new job, got new apartment, etc) with work, and is in somewhat of a transition period. She just broke up with a long-term boyfriend, and their relationship has been on the rocks for a while. She is currently living in our flat for the moment.
Trying to get her to plan the hen party (this was before she broke up) was an effort, so I took on the role of planning all our activities. With some help from some of the other women. Which is fine. But I can't plan "nice, sentimental" things, so I didn't get any.
I know all this, and I know she's not doing this out of spite or malice or jealousy. That's just who she is and her particular situation - not particularly organized and just kinda socially helpless/ limp rag in situations.
But I can't help but be disappointed when I see other MoHs planning nice thoughtful things for their bride.
My question is: How can I accept this, emotionally, that my MoH is not the MoH whom I want her to be? Please feed me some advice on mediation or managing expectations.
p.s. I know this seems like it's all about my MoH. I KNOW I will have a nice wedding and people who love me and a very wonderful husband who is a wonderful social organizer. But.
It'll be three weeks to my wedding, hooray! I recently saw another question on the Green about nice things one can do for her friend on her hen night. It made me sad as my MoH has made about 5% of the effort of what some of the other posters have made/ suggested. I decided to have only one MoH and no bridesmaid as it'll be a small wedding. But maybe this was a mistake.
While in spirit, she has been excited for me and has come to two dress fittings, she hasn't been in any way organize-y or has made my wedidng in any way a priority.
She's been busy (although I have been busy too, planning two wedding receptions, honeymoon, started new job, got new apartment, etc) with work, and is in somewhat of a transition period. She just broke up with a long-term boyfriend, and their relationship has been on the rocks for a while. She is currently living in our flat for the moment.
Trying to get her to plan the hen party (this was before she broke up) was an effort, so I took on the role of planning all our activities. With some help from some of the other women. Which is fine. But I can't plan "nice, sentimental" things, so I didn't get any.
I know all this, and I know she's not doing this out of spite or malice or jealousy. That's just who she is and her particular situation - not particularly organized and just kinda socially helpless/ limp rag in situations.
But I can't help but be disappointed when I see other MoHs planning nice thoughtful things for their bride.
My question is: How can I accept this, emotionally, that my MoH is not the MoH whom I want her to be? Please feed me some advice on mediation or managing expectations.
p.s. I know this seems like it's all about my MoH. I KNOW I will have a nice wedding and people who love me and a very wonderful husband who is a wonderful social organizer. But.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- LobsterMitten
TBH, this seems like a little Bridezilla to me. Your friend recently broke up with her boyfriend, doesn't have a permanent place to live, and you are criticizing her planning of a hen party? I think you should accept that your wedding/pre-wedding activities aren't anyone's priorities except your own.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:39 AM on September 21, 2015 [97 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:39 AM on September 21, 2015 [97 favorites]
I agree with the other answers and also wonder if this isn't a bit expected? You mentioned "this is just who she is", so maybe you know she isn't cut out to be a great MOH but you hoped she'd be up to the task for you? Some people just aren't into weddings (me included). I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in a cousin's wedding and once I learned how much she expected, I declined. I'm happy for people getting married, sure, I just don't care that much. Maybe your friend is like me?
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:42 AM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:42 AM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Remember the reasons you're friends with her. If she's important enough to you that you've chosen her as your maid of honor, you obviously love her enough in your regular life to let her lack of sentimentality/etc fall by the wayside. Remind yourself of the things she brings to your friendship that are good and focus only on those.
Personally I would be a terrible maid of honor because weddings and sentimentality is shit I just do. not. care. about. I would try to be as supportive as possible to my friend but fall short in many ways simply because I don't spend much time thinking about stuff I don't care about. This is one of those things just entirely missing from my emotional labor bucket.
If this is really something that you need and that you'd resent your friend for, something that would help me tremendously in your friend's position would be you using words and asking directly for the things you want. I can't speak for your friend, but I personally would be grateful for a little bit of direction and a nudge to make sure you were happy. If your friendship dynamic can work like that, that's what I think you should do.
posted by phunniemee at 8:42 AM on September 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
Personally I would be a terrible maid of honor because weddings and sentimentality is shit I just do. not. care. about. I would try to be as supportive as possible to my friend but fall short in many ways simply because I don't spend much time thinking about stuff I don't care about. This is one of those things just entirely missing from my emotional labor bucket.
If this is really something that you need and that you'd resent your friend for, something that would help me tremendously in your friend's position would be you using words and asking directly for the things you want. I can't speak for your friend, but I personally would be grateful for a little bit of direction and a nudge to make sure you were happy. If your friendship dynamic can work like that, that's what I think you should do.
posted by phunniemee at 8:42 AM on September 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
I was the MOH to my sister while I was pregnant with my first child. I live in a different state. I planned her bridal shower with my aunt who kindly hosted it, but I was in no shape to attend, let alone plan, a bachelorette party. I think one of her other friends did. Then I went up a few days before the wedding and helped with set up stuff and all that other basic stuff. But I wasn't all super organize-y, either. Nor did I feel it my responsibility to organize everything and all on my own.
Nothings says the MOH has to do everything. Get some other friends involved -- bridesmaids or not.
posted by zizzle at 8:43 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Nothings says the MOH has to do everything. Get some other friends involved -- bridesmaids or not.
posted by zizzle at 8:43 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Think about what is really important to you, and communicate that directly to her. "I would love it if you would sit with me right before the wedding and talk to me about something silly." "Can you spend some time thinking of fun party games?" "Would you have a drink with me and help me come up with ideas for my vows?"
I got really mad at my Person of Honor because they weren't planning to come to the wedding until the day before (it was a destination wedding and most of us were there for five days) for what I saw as a petty reason. I told them that it was really important to me that they be there the whole time and I realized that I had not actually expressed that out loud previously. I had assumed it was obvious.
Any direct communication you can do with your MoH might help. She may be totally unaware of some of your expectations--some of them seem kind of strange to me, especially considering her situation.
Additionally, you picked this person as your MoH, knowing that she isn't really good at organizing or planning. What do you love about her? Why is she important to you? These are important things to think about when you start thinking "why didn't she make customized cupcakes for my hen party?" Focus on the good.
posted by chaiminda at 8:43 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I got really mad at my Person of Honor because they weren't planning to come to the wedding until the day before (it was a destination wedding and most of us were there for five days) for what I saw as a petty reason. I told them that it was really important to me that they be there the whole time and I realized that I had not actually expressed that out loud previously. I had assumed it was obvious.
Any direct communication you can do with your MoH might help. She may be totally unaware of some of your expectations--some of them seem kind of strange to me, especially considering her situation.
Additionally, you picked this person as your MoH, knowing that she isn't really good at organizing or planning. What do you love about her? Why is she important to you? These are important things to think about when you start thinking "why didn't she make customized cupcakes for my hen party?" Focus on the good.
posted by chaiminda at 8:43 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Does your MOH understand that you care about "nice, sentimental things"? If you're planning a small wedding and only have one bridesmaid, she may (reasonably) have assumed that you actually don't want a lot of fuss and bother. This is ESPECIALLY true if you have ever said how happy you are to have a simple wedding, or criticized the Wedding Industrial Complex.
As everyone has said above, you need to be honest with yourself about what you were expecting from her, and then communicate clearly with her about what you would like from her here (while being understanding about the fact that her life is going pretty badly for her right now, and she may not be up for everything you want).
posted by pie ninja at 8:45 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
As everyone has said above, you need to be honest with yourself about what you were expecting from her, and then communicate clearly with her about what you would like from her here (while being understanding about the fact that her life is going pretty badly for her right now, and she may not be up for everything you want).
posted by pie ninja at 8:45 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I like silly metaphors. So, right, imagine instead of having a wedding, you are fighting big monsters. You chose her and just her to fight them with you, cause you love her and trust her to do an awesome and comprehensive job of smacking them down with you. However, during your journey through Monsters Valley, she has sustained a serious body-blow which has rendered her incapable of fighting really at all, due to her ongoing suffering and lack of time to properly heal. Plus, she is on your journey at the moment, not hers, and she's using all her energy to keep going at your pace.
So, it's up to you. Either you get better at dodging the monsters, by which I mean you decide that on balance, next to the wellbeing of your friend, you don't care so much about your hen do and other stuff. Maybe you can have a post-wedding hen do, when your friend is back on her feet. Why not?
Or, you call in the reinforcements. If you're worried it would upset her, ask her. "Friend, you have so much on your plate right now. Shall I ask a #friend1 and #friend2 to join in with planning stuff for the next few weeks?"
Also, try and think what you-in-a-year will think of how you-now is reacting to this. Will you be prouder of yourself if you throw your toys out of the pram about this? Or if you put your friend's needs ahead of your own during this tough time for her?
posted by greenish at 8:47 AM on September 21, 2015 [49 favorites]
So, it's up to you. Either you get better at dodging the monsters, by which I mean you decide that on balance, next to the wellbeing of your friend, you don't care so much about your hen do and other stuff. Maybe you can have a post-wedding hen do, when your friend is back on her feet. Why not?
Or, you call in the reinforcements. If you're worried it would upset her, ask her. "Friend, you have so much on your plate right now. Shall I ask a #friend1 and #friend2 to join in with planning stuff for the next few weeks?"
Also, try and think what you-in-a-year will think of how you-now is reacting to this. Will you be prouder of yourself if you throw your toys out of the pram about this? Or if you put your friend's needs ahead of your own during this tough time for her?
posted by greenish at 8:47 AM on September 21, 2015 [49 favorites]
Best answer: Since you chose her, I bet she's an awesome person. Trust that she's doing the most she can. If I were in her position, I'd spend a lot of my energy trying to not burden you with my grief because I'd want you to have an amazing wedding. People express love and adoration in different ways.
posted by JackBurden at 8:50 AM on September 21, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by JackBurden at 8:50 AM on September 21, 2015 [20 favorites]
The problem with unspoken expectations is that they are precisely that: unspoken.
It sounds like your maid of honor is dealing with plenty of her own serious issues. If you think she needs to do more, you need to actively, explicitly say it. Otherwise she will never know that she didn't do her job to your satisfaction, and you'll both just become resentful and possibly grow to dislike one another.
This is already festering--you need to say something to her or just take over the planning so that you get the experience you want.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:56 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
It sounds like your maid of honor is dealing with plenty of her own serious issues. If you think she needs to do more, you need to actively, explicitly say it. Otherwise she will never know that she didn't do her job to your satisfaction, and you'll both just become resentful and possibly grow to dislike one another.
This is already festering--you need to say something to her or just take over the planning so that you get the experience you want.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:56 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Guys, of course my wedding is my own. Geez. (like Bridezilla?? sheesh, way to shame women when they do stereotypically women-planning things).
Of course I ask for things, but it doesn't get done at all, and so I end up doing it. Short of reminding her every day or sending reminder emails (and even that doesn't work!), it ain't happening. It's not a problem of unspoken communication, it's that she's not doing it and she's not the person who does stuff like this.
As I said, I have asked other friends to help out. But that doesn't make me any less sad.
I guess I expected for once in my life (once!), I get to be the person that other people support, instead of being continually supporting others, in particular, my friend. I have seen my other friends plan their friends hen nights and they put in so much thought and effort into it (and I have been part of the hen nights too). It's not just "pinterest" or facebook pictures.
And cakebatter: NO, there is no other "nice things" that are being planned one week before the wedding. Hen Nights in the UK are usually planned a long time before the wedding (and mine has already passed).
posted by moiraine at 8:56 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Of course I ask for things, but it doesn't get done at all, and so I end up doing it. Short of reminding her every day or sending reminder emails (and even that doesn't work!), it ain't happening. It's not a problem of unspoken communication, it's that she's not doing it and she's not the person who does stuff like this.
As I said, I have asked other friends to help out. But that doesn't make me any less sad.
I guess I expected for once in my life (once!), I get to be the person that other people support, instead of being continually supporting others, in particular, my friend. I have seen my other friends plan their friends hen nights and they put in so much thought and effort into it (and I have been part of the hen nights too). It's not just "pinterest" or facebook pictures.
And cakebatter: NO, there is no other "nice things" that are being planned one week before the wedding. Hen Nights in the UK are usually planned a long time before the wedding (and mine has already passed).
posted by moiraine at 8:56 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Personally speaking, you'll get over this. When you read about other people's amazing MoH's buying puppies as party favors for the bridal shower yeah you'll still be a little wistful, but honestly being married, having a life, just generally getting on with things has made this really not a big deal.
I think what you can do to salvage it somewhat, is to tell her upfront what you need/expect from her on the day of the wedding. I don't think it's much to ask that on that particular day that she leaves her shit at the door and help you out. Things I would recommend you task her with:
- Wake you up in time
- Ferry some cute messages between yourself and your husband to be, if possible
- Make sure you are hydrated
- Keep your make up handy for touch ups between pictures
- Make sure your dress train and veil are always On Point
- Help the photographer grab people for the group pictures
posted by like_neon at 8:57 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think what you can do to salvage it somewhat, is to tell her upfront what you need/expect from her on the day of the wedding. I don't think it's much to ask that on that particular day that she leaves her shit at the door and help you out. Things I would recommend you task her with:
- Wake you up in time
- Ferry some cute messages between yourself and your husband to be, if possible
- Make sure you are hydrated
- Keep your make up handy for touch ups between pictures
- Make sure your dress train and veil are always On Point
- Help the photographer grab people for the group pictures
posted by like_neon at 8:57 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I always thank god that no one ever asked me to be a maid of honor because I'd be absolutely horrendous at it. I'm not organized at all, and that's an understatement; I'm totally introverted so don't care that much for big parties, never mind organizing one; I don't really like large weddings and all the trappings that surround them in general (I got married at City Hall, myself) -- in sum, I'd be the worst maid of honor you ever saw and anyone who asked me would probably have been appalled at the bad job I did. But that certainly doesn't mean I don't love and care about my friends or relatives, or that I begrudge them a lovely wedding day; it just means that shepherding that sort of thing is really beyond me. It would be like choosing someone with zero military experience to lead an army into battle against the forces of darkness -- guaranteed to be a disaster but not a sign that I don't believe in the cause.
So maybe she's like that. It doesn't mean she's uncaring, but this just isn't where her skills lie, especially right now when she just broke off a long-term relationship. I know it sounds a little weird to say "Don't take it personally," but I think that actually does work here. It's not reflection of her feelings about you; it's just who she is and where she is.
posted by holborne at 8:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
So maybe she's like that. It doesn't mean she's uncaring, but this just isn't where her skills lie, especially right now when she just broke off a long-term relationship. I know it sounds a little weird to say "Don't take it personally," but I think that actually does work here. It's not reflection of her feelings about you; it's just who she is and where she is.
posted by holborne at 8:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
That's just who she is and her particular situation - not particularly organized and just kinda socially helpless/ limp rag in situations.
You picked her to be your MoH, and you knew this stuff when you picked her.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:00 AM on September 21, 2015 [30 favorites]
You picked her to be your MoH, and you knew this stuff when you picked her.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:00 AM on September 21, 2015 [30 favorites]
Best answer: I hope this doesn't sound judgmental - I definitely feel where you're coming from and sympathize with how it must ache for you. But I think you are asking How do I not feel let down when MoH is so completely letting me down? - when I think a better question would be How do I not feel let down that I made a bad choice in MoH and I don't like the consequences?
It sounds like you had a very real set of expectations of what a MoH does, and that your friend doesn't share those expectations (or can't rise to them because of her circumstances or temperament). When you asked her to be your Maid of Honor, did you tell her what you were expecting and ask in such a way that if she felt she couldn't do those things, she could back out? Or did you ask her as a "we're best friends so of course I'm asking you and you should consider it an honor that I picked you", with the assumption that she'd then meet all your expectations out of some osmosis that comes from friendship?
You say that you chose not to have bridesmaids because it was a small wedding. But it sounds like you want the lead-up to be the same as if it were a large wedding. That's fine, and there's nothing wrong with wanting it, but because those sorts of activities are all about the group, they almost require a bunch of bridesmaids - or at least close friends - to run smoothly.
I think maybe you're mistaking the role that the MoH and bridesmaids generally play at a ceremony with the emotional role that having your closest friends around you actually serves for a bride. I suspect that you knew you didn't want to have the matching dresses and the line of ladies marching and all the other big-wedding trappings for an intimate ceremony, but forgot that part of what designating MoH and bridesmaids is all about, is saying my relationship status is changing, and I want my friends around me because I value the close relationship we have now.
If it's not too late, I would call up some of your girlfriends and ask them to be unofficial / symbolic bridesmaids. Let them know they would be in that role if you were having a larger wedding, but since you aren't they don't have to buy a dress or walk down the aisle or anything. And then let them know what you're facing in the next few days / weeks and ask for their help.
This shouldn't be on your Maid of Honor's shoulders if it's not something she's good at or emotionally ready to bear. But that doesn't mean that you have to shoulder it all yourself, or blame her for not following through if you weren't clear at the outset about what you needed and whether she could do it. You have other friends. Be honest with them and I think they'll rise to the occaion because they're your friends. Don't risk damaging a great relationship with your MoH over resentment for something that really isn't her fault.
Congratulations on the wedding - I hope it all goes beautifully
posted by Mchelly at 9:02 AM on September 21, 2015 [28 favorites]
It sounds like you had a very real set of expectations of what a MoH does, and that your friend doesn't share those expectations (or can't rise to them because of her circumstances or temperament). When you asked her to be your Maid of Honor, did you tell her what you were expecting and ask in such a way that if she felt she couldn't do those things, she could back out? Or did you ask her as a "we're best friends so of course I'm asking you and you should consider it an honor that I picked you", with the assumption that she'd then meet all your expectations out of some osmosis that comes from friendship?
You say that you chose not to have bridesmaids because it was a small wedding. But it sounds like you want the lead-up to be the same as if it were a large wedding. That's fine, and there's nothing wrong with wanting it, but because those sorts of activities are all about the group, they almost require a bunch of bridesmaids - or at least close friends - to run smoothly.
I think maybe you're mistaking the role that the MoH and bridesmaids generally play at a ceremony with the emotional role that having your closest friends around you actually serves for a bride. I suspect that you knew you didn't want to have the matching dresses and the line of ladies marching and all the other big-wedding trappings for an intimate ceremony, but forgot that part of what designating MoH and bridesmaids is all about, is saying my relationship status is changing, and I want my friends around me because I value the close relationship we have now.
If it's not too late, I would call up some of your girlfriends and ask them to be unofficial / symbolic bridesmaids. Let them know they would be in that role if you were having a larger wedding, but since you aren't they don't have to buy a dress or walk down the aisle or anything. And then let them know what you're facing in the next few days / weeks and ask for their help.
This shouldn't be on your Maid of Honor's shoulders if it's not something she's good at or emotionally ready to bear. But that doesn't mean that you have to shoulder it all yourself, or blame her for not following through if you weren't clear at the outset about what you needed and whether she could do it. You have other friends. Be honest with them and I think they'll rise to the occaion because they're your friends. Don't risk damaging a great relationship with your MoH over resentment for something that really isn't her fault.
Congratulations on the wedding - I hope it all goes beautifully
posted by Mchelly at 9:02 AM on September 21, 2015 [28 favorites]
This has nothing to do with stereotypically women planned things, and all to do with you expecting something of your friend that she doesn't have the capacity or desire to do.
I also think this might be a case of you believing your expectations to be universal when in fact they are not. My maid of honor didn't do anything except get the dress and show up, nor did I expect her to.
posted by something something at 9:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [68 favorites]
I also think this might be a case of you believing your expectations to be universal when in fact they are not. My maid of honor didn't do anything except get the dress and show up, nor did I expect her to.
posted by something something at 9:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [68 favorites]
Is it too late to rope in another friend/family member as MOH understudy? Someone with more of the personality required to do these things/like doing these things/is emotionally available to do do these things? You can word it as trying to help your friend as you know she has a lot on her plate.
I was MOH for a close friend & am a huge introvert, her sister ended up being the one to organize all the extra circular events because she just loved doing all that stuff, knew all the friends to invite & bride & everyone had a good time. I did the emotional support on the day stuff, made sure she had everything she needed for the big day, and was also the only person to know my very Christian (daughter of a pastor) friend was 4 months pregnant on the day. I stood by her when no one else would have & helped her through the day. Parties weren't my strength I bought other things to her wedding. Concentrate on the things your friend does bring to your event, on the reasons why you chose her, anyone can organize a party.
posted by wwax at 9:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I was MOH for a close friend & am a huge introvert, her sister ended up being the one to organize all the extra circular events because she just loved doing all that stuff, knew all the friends to invite & bride & everyone had a good time. I did the emotional support on the day stuff, made sure she had everything she needed for the big day, and was also the only person to know my very Christian (daughter of a pastor) friend was 4 months pregnant on the day. I stood by her when no one else would have & helped her through the day. Parties weren't my strength I bought other things to her wedding. Concentrate on the things your friend does bring to your event, on the reasons why you chose her, anyone can organize a party.
posted by wwax at 9:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I have seen my other friends plan their friends hen nights and they put in so much thought and effort into it
So why didn't you ask one of those friends to be your MOH or in your bridal party? This is not rhetorical. I think whatever the answer to that question is will remind you of why you picked your friend and why she's more important to you than how she plans (or doesn't plan) a hen party.
And just to reemphasize, planning happy happy wedding events for a friend when you've just gone through the ending of your own relationship is HARD. Even if she were the planingest planner that ever planned she would probably be struggling. It's so hard to direct your emotional labor toward others when you're in a situation where it feels like you need all your compassion for yourself.
posted by MsMolly at 9:09 AM on September 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
So why didn't you ask one of those friends to be your MOH or in your bridal party? This is not rhetorical. I think whatever the answer to that question is will remind you of why you picked your friend and why she's more important to you than how she plans (or doesn't plan) a hen party.
And just to reemphasize, planning happy happy wedding events for a friend when you've just gone through the ending of your own relationship is HARD. Even if she were the planingest planner that ever planned she would probably be struggling. It's so hard to direct your emotional labor toward others when you're in a situation where it feels like you need all your compassion for yourself.
posted by MsMolly at 9:09 AM on September 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: So, one option -- even though it is just a few weeks until the wedding! -- is to ask some other friends to stand up with you as well. I have a friend who ended up adding two bridesmaids at the last minute because they had ended up doing so much planning/helping her with DIY stuff that she really wanted to honor them in that way. Yeah, it made the "numbers"/sides uneven and they didn't have matching dresses, but there are no rules that say you can add some extra people at the last minute if that is what will make you happy! I think that's a whole lot more important that perfect matching photos or whatever.
I would also suggest that you invite some girlfriends (and/or awesome female relatives of various generations) to come hang out and help with day-of activities even if they are not official "bridesmaids." I had a small bridal party, but my "getting ready" time included several other female friends/female relatives of various generations, and it was honestly one of my favorite parts of the wedding day. I felt so supported and loved and surrounded, and I get the feeling that that piece is what you're missing more than anything. So -- you don't have to have people as part of the wedding party to ask for that and receive that.
It seems like part of the problem here is that you really want support from this specific friend, and she is really, really not in a place to provide it -- she is grieving the end of a long term relationship and essentially homeless (not on-the-streets homeless, but certainly not-having-a-semipermanent-place-to-stay homeless). Plus her personality is not very organize-y. She can be a wonderful friend and still have this be a terrible time to support you in the way you want to be supported. I would take some time to feel that and grieve that the stars did not align in multiple ways for this particular person to support you in the way you want. But then also open your heart to the other ways that both she and other friends/family can support you. And, after the wedding is over, if you feel like this is a broader problem in your relationship -- that she is always taking and you are always giving, and things feel very imbalanced -- you can address that then on a broader level.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:10 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
I would also suggest that you invite some girlfriends (and/or awesome female relatives of various generations) to come hang out and help with day-of activities even if they are not official "bridesmaids." I had a small bridal party, but my "getting ready" time included several other female friends/female relatives of various generations, and it was honestly one of my favorite parts of the wedding day. I felt so supported and loved and surrounded, and I get the feeling that that piece is what you're missing more than anything. So -- you don't have to have people as part of the wedding party to ask for that and receive that.
It seems like part of the problem here is that you really want support from this specific friend, and she is really, really not in a place to provide it -- she is grieving the end of a long term relationship and essentially homeless (not on-the-streets homeless, but certainly not-having-a-semipermanent-place-to-stay homeless). Plus her personality is not very organize-y. She can be a wonderful friend and still have this be a terrible time to support you in the way you want to be supported. I would take some time to feel that and grieve that the stars did not align in multiple ways for this particular person to support you in the way you want. But then also open your heart to the other ways that both she and other friends/family can support you. And, after the wedding is over, if you feel like this is a broader problem in your relationship -- that she is always taking and you are always giving, and things feel very imbalanced -- you can address that then on a broader level.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:10 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think you get over that stuff by being married, honestly. I came down with a terrible cold in the week before my wedding and missed out on anything resembling a pre-wedding social time with the many people who came to town--and this was with a wedding party that we expected nothing of but showing up dressed like humans, and signing documents at the end. We had no planned activities. I missed visiting, but the point of the weekend was the be married at the end of it, and I saved all my energy to manage that.
Your friend is having what sounds like a truly terrible year, and you can be disappointed at the circumstances just as I was disappointed at my illness. But you don't need her to be married. And if this is just one more piece in a long-standing pattern that you are noticing because you are stressed, you don't have to stay friends with her either.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:16 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your friend is having what sounds like a truly terrible year, and you can be disappointed at the circumstances just as I was disappointed at my illness. But you don't need her to be married. And if this is just one more piece in a long-standing pattern that you are noticing because you are stressed, you don't have to stay friends with her either.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:16 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is a choice you made when you picked her.
Becoming Maid of Honor is not a wizard spell that changes the personality of the person.
And people have vastly different feelings about the fuss level required for weddings, and they are deep-seated highly-emotional often entirely-unarticulated feelings, so where you might be It's My Pretty Princess Day!!! about weddings, she might be Ugh Everyone Will Be Looking At Me (I know multiple people who have eloped specifically for that reason, a wedding is just a really horrible naked-on-stage nightmare to them, and they've only ever done bridal party duties because saying no on practical grounds would have hurt the bride's feelings or created a family uproar).
Do you really want to say to her face: "Friend, you're just not doing enough for me and my big special day and I'm super disappointed in you. I didn't ask you to stand up for me because of our friendship, I wanted you to throw me parties. You're doing it wrong." That, to me, is Bridezilla behavior, especially if you wouldn't treat her like that about anything else.
If she's not good enough for you, fire her and end the friendship. If that feels too drastic to you, have a good hard sit-down with your expectations and figure out what's going on underneath, because in all likelihood this feeling is actually anxiety about something manifesting as unreasonable expectations and if you can identify and relieve that anxiety you will stop having the uncomfortable feeling.
And yeah, it stops mattering real fast. Hopefully, the best days of your life are well ahead of you, in the marriage and family you're creating and the deeper bonds you have with your closest friends as life and shit happens over time. It's just some parties. You can have another Big Day anytime you want.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:24 AM on September 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
Becoming Maid of Honor is not a wizard spell that changes the personality of the person.
And people have vastly different feelings about the fuss level required for weddings, and they are deep-seated highly-emotional often entirely-unarticulated feelings, so where you might be It's My Pretty Princess Day!!! about weddings, she might be Ugh Everyone Will Be Looking At Me (I know multiple people who have eloped specifically for that reason, a wedding is just a really horrible naked-on-stage nightmare to them, and they've only ever done bridal party duties because saying no on practical grounds would have hurt the bride's feelings or created a family uproar).
Do you really want to say to her face: "Friend, you're just not doing enough for me and my big special day and I'm super disappointed in you. I didn't ask you to stand up for me because of our friendship, I wanted you to throw me parties. You're doing it wrong." That, to me, is Bridezilla behavior, especially if you wouldn't treat her like that about anything else.
If she's not good enough for you, fire her and end the friendship. If that feels too drastic to you, have a good hard sit-down with your expectations and figure out what's going on underneath, because in all likelihood this feeling is actually anxiety about something manifesting as unreasonable expectations and if you can identify and relieve that anxiety you will stop having the uncomfortable feeling.
And yeah, it stops mattering real fast. Hopefully, the best days of your life are well ahead of you, in the marriage and family you're creating and the deeper bonds you have with your closest friends as life and shit happens over time. It's just some parties. You can have another Big Day anytime you want.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:24 AM on September 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
way to shame women when they do stereotypically women-planning things).
I would like to gently point out that there is more than one instance of that in this thread.
There's great advice here on mitigating your hurt. As someone who is also terrible at the sorts of things that a woman is often expected to do and has lost friends because of it, I'm glad you picked your friend to stand by you at your wedding. I hope that kindness is what you remember later, rather than any disappointment.
posted by gnomeloaf at 9:24 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would like to gently point out that there is more than one instance of that in this thread.
There's great advice here on mitigating your hurt. As someone who is also terrible at the sorts of things that a woman is often expected to do and has lost friends because of it, I'm glad you picked your friend to stand by you at your wedding. I hope that kindness is what you remember later, rather than any disappointment.
posted by gnomeloaf at 9:24 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: How versed in weddings is she? There are some friend circles with lots of big weddings and nearly everyone's been a bridesmaid once or twice, and those people are used to all the extra parties and weird details that go into weddings. Some friend circles are smaller, or have fewer big weddings or fewer weddings in general. If wedding planning and wedding chatter haven't been on her radar before, she might just not know what all's expected of a maid of honor.
Not to mention that if you have a small wedding, and it's otherwise low-key and you're not making much fuss about it, and especially if you're generally not a party person, she might think you're not really interested in all those extra things.
And it is so, so hard not to feel jealous when you're planning a small wedding and you hear stories of brides with, like, eight bridesmaids and their matching designer handbags and their awesome bachelorette weekend in Vegas. Once anyone else's wedding enters your peripheral vision, you can't help but compare and feel disappointed.
It's tricky. We generally choose our maids of honor based on how close the friendship is, and not how organized/proactive/party-savvy they are, and sometimes wonderful friends who are supportive in all the everyday ways aren't so good at being supportive in the event-planning sense. Is she a good friend? Do you want her there with you when you get married? Focus on those, and outsource the wedding stuff you want to your less-flaky, less-stressed friends.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:25 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Not to mention that if you have a small wedding, and it's otherwise low-key and you're not making much fuss about it, and especially if you're generally not a party person, she might think you're not really interested in all those extra things.
And it is so, so hard not to feel jealous when you're planning a small wedding and you hear stories of brides with, like, eight bridesmaids and their matching designer handbags and their awesome bachelorette weekend in Vegas. Once anyone else's wedding enters your peripheral vision, you can't help but compare and feel disappointed.
It's tricky. We generally choose our maids of honor based on how close the friendship is, and not how organized/proactive/party-savvy they are, and sometimes wonderful friends who are supportive in all the everyday ways aren't so good at being supportive in the event-planning sense. Is she a good friend? Do you want her there with you when you get married? Focus on those, and outsource the wedding stuff you want to your less-flaky, less-stressed friends.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:25 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I was a de facto MOH for a friend whose actual MOH lived in another state. I went wedding jewelry shopping with her, fielded late night phone calls about technical aspects, put together lots of battery powered paper lanterns, and so on.
Maids of honor can be chosen for functionality and/or for emotional reasons. My friend's MOH was one of her oldest friends, I was one of her more practical friends. You chose her because she's your friend and you really care about her.
As suggested above, perhaps enlisting a more practical friend to help out might make sense at this point. Then you can relax and be excited that this wonderful friend of yours who you care for a great amount will be by your side when you stand up and get married.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
posted by sciencegeek at 9:25 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maids of honor can be chosen for functionality and/or for emotional reasons. My friend's MOH was one of her oldest friends, I was one of her more practical friends. You chose her because she's your friend and you really care about her.
As suggested above, perhaps enlisting a more practical friend to help out might make sense at this point. Then you can relax and be excited that this wonderful friend of yours who you care for a great amount will be by your side when you stand up and get married.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
posted by sciencegeek at 9:25 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I guess I expected for once in my life (once!), I get to be the person that other people support, instead of being continually supporting others, in particular, my friend.
I suspect that working on changing this pattern in your life in general will be much more fruitful, and yield much more meaningful results, than focusing on this one instance of it.
posted by jaguar at 9:31 AM on September 21, 2015 [35 favorites]
I suspect that working on changing this pattern in your life in general will be much more fruitful, and yield much more meaningful results, than focusing on this one instance of it.
posted by jaguar at 9:31 AM on September 21, 2015 [35 favorites]
You talk about 'stereotypically woman-planning things;' do you envision the MOH duties you're describing in this way, too? I ask because I as a woman would definitely not know to do the things you're describing. I've been a MOH before and would be mortified to know that the bride had been harboring all these expectations that I failed because I'm not an inherently Pinterest-y type of person. Knowing how to do this stuff - or being interested in doing this stuff, or even knowing that some people think you SHOULD do this stuff - is definitely not something all women are inherently born with. It sounds like you are aware that this isn't your friend's kind of thing, but maybe you think she knows she's supposed to do it and just doesn't care; I'd say that even if she didn't have so many problems going on in her own life she still might not do what you're wanting because she doesn't know it's what you want.
All of which is a lot of words to say "nthing the suggestion that you ask her for what you want" - while balancing this, of course, against your understanding that her life is hard right now and she may not be a Pinterest-y person. As an aside, it might also be worth remembering that people generally share their most extraordinary work on Pinterest (and in threads like the one you linked to), so you're seeing a very small subset of what MOHs do, not really "the things every woman naturally gets (or even wants!) from their MOH".
Crazy thought: you say that your fiance is a wonderful social organizer; can he help you get what you're wanting here?
posted by DingoMutt at 9:54 AM on September 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
All of which is a lot of words to say "nthing the suggestion that you ask her for what you want" - while balancing this, of course, against your understanding that her life is hard right now and she may not be a Pinterest-y person. As an aside, it might also be worth remembering that people generally share their most extraordinary work on Pinterest (and in threads like the one you linked to), so you're seeing a very small subset of what MOHs do, not really "the things every woman naturally gets (or even wants!) from their MOH".
Crazy thought: you say that your fiance is a wonderful social organizer; can he help you get what you're wanting here?
posted by DingoMutt at 9:54 AM on September 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I got married on Sept 7th this year and the exact same thing happened to us, except with our Best Man, not the MOH.
We went through a wide range of emotions, from understanding, to anger, to concern for his well-being, to just WISHING he would talk to us......
Eventually both he and my Groom mutually decided it wasn't working out, and we drafted in my Groom's brother to be the Best Man instead.
New Best Man did a TERRIFIC job at organizing the Bachelor party, organizing nice things for the Groom, being extremely reliable and organized - all things we desperately needed and wanted from the Best Man. His speech at the wedding however, will likely go down in history as one of the WORST best man speeches of all time.
All I'm getting at, I guess - having very recently been through all of this myself is the following:
1 - It's NOT bridezilla of you to expect someone to come through for you on your special day. Not at all. I'm sorry someone said that to you because I don't think your expectations are unrealistic
2 - People ARE only human though, and even though you really want her to step up, she might not know HOW to step up or even if you WANT her to step up
3 - Given that you've chosen to have a smaller wedding, maybe she thinks you'd like to bypass all of the typical MOH surprises
4 - Even when you have someone perfect for the role, they may not meet your expectations in other ways that you had perceived as a "given".
5 - Once the wedding is all over, it won't matter what went wrong, you'll look back fondly and remember it as a FANTASTIC day anyway
Good luck, (and what you're feeling is completely normal)
posted by JenThePro at 9:54 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
We went through a wide range of emotions, from understanding, to anger, to concern for his well-being, to just WISHING he would talk to us......
Eventually both he and my Groom mutually decided it wasn't working out, and we drafted in my Groom's brother to be the Best Man instead.
New Best Man did a TERRIFIC job at organizing the Bachelor party, organizing nice things for the Groom, being extremely reliable and organized - all things we desperately needed and wanted from the Best Man. His speech at the wedding however, will likely go down in history as one of the WORST best man speeches of all time.
All I'm getting at, I guess - having very recently been through all of this myself is the following:
1 - It's NOT bridezilla of you to expect someone to come through for you on your special day. Not at all. I'm sorry someone said that to you because I don't think your expectations are unrealistic
2 - People ARE only human though, and even though you really want her to step up, she might not know HOW to step up or even if you WANT her to step up
3 - Given that you've chosen to have a smaller wedding, maybe she thinks you'd like to bypass all of the typical MOH surprises
4 - Even when you have someone perfect for the role, they may not meet your expectations in other ways that you had perceived as a "given".
5 - Once the wedding is all over, it won't matter what went wrong, you'll look back fondly and remember it as a FANTASTIC day anyway
Good luck, (and what you're feeling is completely normal)
posted by JenThePro at 9:54 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
What jaguar said. If this is a deeply entrenched dynamic that goes across so many of your relationships, it's...well, exactly that. Deeply entrenched. A wedding isn't going to change that. If it wasn't a wedding, it might have been an illness or a dying parent--at some point, a stressful situation was going to reveal that imbalance.
It may be that once you're out from under the heightened stress of the wedding, you realize that you don't actually feel that things are so imbalanced. As Metroid Baby pointed out above, the atmosphere around weddings is almost unavoidably competitive and even people who rationally wouldn't want to feel that way, end up dealing with it. But maybe when all of the stress simmers down you will instead realize that you do not have the support system you want and need; then, you'll have to start doing the work of cultivating that system and changing the dynamic you dislike.
So as far as "how to accept" this situation, you just remind yourself that it has taught you things you needed to know. You've learned some important things about your friends and about yourself and your needs and priorities. We should ALL be so lucky to learn this much valuable information from something as transient as a wedding!
Finally, hugs. It's rough stuff, weddings. I've had a rough time with them this year and I was just a guest! Please try to give your MOH a hug too. Jesus god, I cannot imagine being essentially homeless and having to play third wheel couch-crasher with my wedding-planning friend after a horrible breakup. And then knowing on some level that she was mad at me but not quite being sure why? It wouldn't matter how much I loved my friend, I would probably start each day praying for literal death. PLEASE try to give your MOH a hug.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:55 AM on September 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
It may be that once you're out from under the heightened stress of the wedding, you realize that you don't actually feel that things are so imbalanced. As Metroid Baby pointed out above, the atmosphere around weddings is almost unavoidably competitive and even people who rationally wouldn't want to feel that way, end up dealing with it. But maybe when all of the stress simmers down you will instead realize that you do not have the support system you want and need; then, you'll have to start doing the work of cultivating that system and changing the dynamic you dislike.
So as far as "how to accept" this situation, you just remind yourself that it has taught you things you needed to know. You've learned some important things about your friends and about yourself and your needs and priorities. We should ALL be so lucky to learn this much valuable information from something as transient as a wedding!
Finally, hugs. It's rough stuff, weddings. I've had a rough time with them this year and I was just a guest! Please try to give your MOH a hug too. Jesus god, I cannot imagine being essentially homeless and having to play third wheel couch-crasher with my wedding-planning friend after a horrible breakup. And then knowing on some level that she was mad at me but not quite being sure why? It wouldn't matter how much I loved my friend, I would probably start each day praying for literal death. PLEASE try to give your MOH a hug.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:55 AM on September 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
"... is in somewhat of a transition period. She just broke up with a long-term boyfriend, and their relationship has been on the rocks for a while. She is currently living in our flat for the moment."
Oh, gosh. It sounds like she is probably in a lot of real, raw pain right now, coming out of a wrenching change in life circumstances. Candidly: I can't imagine how bad I would probably feel being a Maid of Honor at a wedding after a messy breakup, and living with my friend who is in the midst of wedding planning. It would all be a reminder of my current circumstances, and what maybe could have been with my ex. I might feel even meta-worse if I were feeling guilty for having complicated feelings about one of my very best friends getting married—who is also nice enough to host me after the break up! What kind of person am I to feel bad about my awesome best friend being happy?... and so on.
I am wondering if it might be time to have a kind check-in with your friend regarding how she is doing right now, and how this is all making her feel, genuinely giving her the space to express whatever she needs. I would try to come into this conversation with the understanding that the ways in which she is not meeting your needs right now may be in large part because of her own situation, and not about her relationship with you and how much she cares about you as a friend. I wouldn't be surprised if this were all an emotional struggle for her.
If there are certain things that you want to make this experience the way you want it to be, I would follow folks' advice about drafting other friends into the effort.
posted by Keter at 10:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
Oh, gosh. It sounds like she is probably in a lot of real, raw pain right now, coming out of a wrenching change in life circumstances. Candidly: I can't imagine how bad I would probably feel being a Maid of Honor at a wedding after a messy breakup, and living with my friend who is in the midst of wedding planning. It would all be a reminder of my current circumstances, and what maybe could have been with my ex. I might feel even meta-worse if I were feeling guilty for having complicated feelings about one of my very best friends getting married—who is also nice enough to host me after the break up! What kind of person am I to feel bad about my awesome best friend being happy?... and so on.
I am wondering if it might be time to have a kind check-in with your friend regarding how she is doing right now, and how this is all making her feel, genuinely giving her the space to express whatever she needs. I would try to come into this conversation with the understanding that the ways in which she is not meeting your needs right now may be in large part because of her own situation, and not about her relationship with you and how much she cares about you as a friend. I wouldn't be surprised if this were all an emotional struggle for her.
If there are certain things that you want to make this experience the way you want it to be, I would follow folks' advice about drafting other friends into the effort.
posted by Keter at 10:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: moiraine,
I don't really have any advice to offer, but I did want to express my feelings about your post and your situation. Personally, I feel you're being dumped on a bit by the majority of the responses. I don't think you're a bridezilla (and having been in a couple of wedding parties with some really first-class bridezillas, I'm speaking from experience). I'm also very sympathetic to your desire (for once) to be the person who gets the support rather than be the person offering the support and making the effort. Been there, done that, got the whole T-shirt store.
I understand your MoH's life is far from ideal at the moment (as an understatement) but I still don't think that provides her with a blanket excuse for slacking on her MoH duties. People who accept commitments have an obligation to live up to them, and agreeing to stand up for somebody is a commitment. I'm not saying she has to do it all alone, or should shoulder all of the cost (money, time or effort) by herself, but she should be at least be talking to you about things and about what you want and taking some sort of initiative.
I know a significant percentage of MeFi members tend to identify as introspective or shy or quiet or not-outgoing, or pick your favourite description, and a lot (see the emotional labour thread) don't find it natural to keep up with all of the societal demands for social niceties (see sending cards) but there are situations in life where those type of things are expected of you, and I really hate the attitude that "I'm just not good at it/conditioned to think that way/etc. so I should get a pass" because then the emotional labour falls onto the back of somebody else.
I'm sure your MoH has all sorts of wonderful qualities that make her a (normally) excellent friend, and I'm sure you cherish those individual traits and her as a whole person. But that doesn't mean you can't be disappointed that she isn't stepping up her normal game for you, especially because you know you'd go above and beyond for her. It's natural that you're hurt. Don't let anybody tell you you're wrong to experience those feelings. And when you add into it all the messages that society has been pumping into our psyches about how occasions such as weddings are supposed to happen, I find it really hard to fault you. And I applaud you for recognizing this is your issue, and that you want to feel better and get past your wounded emotional state so it doesn't affect your friendship or your wedding celebration.
So just know that there is at least one person out there who can see things from your point of view, and who doesn't think you're behaving badly. I think, actually, you sound like a really, nice and decent person, and I wish you all the best for your upcoming wedding, and (more importantly) for a wonderful new life together with your partner.
posted by sardonyx at 10:07 AM on September 21, 2015 [16 favorites]
I don't really have any advice to offer, but I did want to express my feelings about your post and your situation. Personally, I feel you're being dumped on a bit by the majority of the responses. I don't think you're a bridezilla (and having been in a couple of wedding parties with some really first-class bridezillas, I'm speaking from experience). I'm also very sympathetic to your desire (for once) to be the person who gets the support rather than be the person offering the support and making the effort. Been there, done that, got the whole T-shirt store.
I understand your MoH's life is far from ideal at the moment (as an understatement) but I still don't think that provides her with a blanket excuse for slacking on her MoH duties. People who accept commitments have an obligation to live up to them, and agreeing to stand up for somebody is a commitment. I'm not saying she has to do it all alone, or should shoulder all of the cost (money, time or effort) by herself, but she should be at least be talking to you about things and about what you want and taking some sort of initiative.
I know a significant percentage of MeFi members tend to identify as introspective or shy or quiet or not-outgoing, or pick your favourite description, and a lot (see the emotional labour thread) don't find it natural to keep up with all of the societal demands for social niceties (see sending cards) but there are situations in life where those type of things are expected of you, and I really hate the attitude that "I'm just not good at it/conditioned to think that way/etc. so I should get a pass" because then the emotional labour falls onto the back of somebody else.
I'm sure your MoH has all sorts of wonderful qualities that make her a (normally) excellent friend, and I'm sure you cherish those individual traits and her as a whole person. But that doesn't mean you can't be disappointed that she isn't stepping up her normal game for you, especially because you know you'd go above and beyond for her. It's natural that you're hurt. Don't let anybody tell you you're wrong to experience those feelings. And when you add into it all the messages that society has been pumping into our psyches about how occasions such as weddings are supposed to happen, I find it really hard to fault you. And I applaud you for recognizing this is your issue, and that you want to feel better and get past your wounded emotional state so it doesn't affect your friendship or your wedding celebration.
So just know that there is at least one person out there who can see things from your point of view, and who doesn't think you're behaving badly. I think, actually, you sound like a really, nice and decent person, and I wish you all the best for your upcoming wedding, and (more importantly) for a wonderful new life together with your partner.
posted by sardonyx at 10:07 AM on September 21, 2015 [16 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think this seems Bridezilla at all. Everyone has a right to their feelings. OP feels a little bummed about this. That's human. The distance between "Bridezilla" and "a nice person who feels disappointed" is in how people manage those natural feelings, and here, OP is owning and asking for help dealing with those feelings in a kind and responsible way (instead of, say, yelling at her MoH in public).
While I was writing this, I see people already said what I was thinking, so I'll just quickly echo a few things. I'd look for opportunities to invite in more day-of / week-of companions (inviting people to go get nails done together, get hair and makeup done on the day itself, have a "[gift bag assembly or whatever needs done] - with wine!" evening a week or two in advance...). Sometimes people who have not been as closely involved can better bring the "yayyyyyy" while the MoH's role evolves into something like the keeper of your sanity, the bringer of quiet sarcastic jokes about your weird uncle, that sort of thing. Her long presence lets her understand what nobody else notices. Formally including other bridesmaids could be good. And if you have family from out of town, they could be your other support crew, so that she sits by your side, while other people drop off the lunch snacks the day of the wedding.
I also want to go back to this idea of asking for what you want. I can see why you bristled at that, because it could be seen as (maybe unintentionally) implying it was your fault. But what I've found is that some of those super-sentimental feelings come in special moments that can be entirely scripted in advance. Maybe the night before the wedding, you want to meet with her after the rehearsal dinner and have a cup of tea or just exchange one last hug before bedtime. That's just one idea, but you might better know those few specific moments you have in mind and who you want to be there for them. Some of those might take minimal planning, and identifying them can make sure you get some of the special moments you imagined.
posted by salvia at 10:16 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
While I was writing this, I see people already said what I was thinking, so I'll just quickly echo a few things. I'd look for opportunities to invite in more day-of / week-of companions (inviting people to go get nails done together, get hair and makeup done on the day itself, have a "[gift bag assembly or whatever needs done] - with wine!" evening a week or two in advance...). Sometimes people who have not been as closely involved can better bring the "yayyyyyy" while the MoH's role evolves into something like the keeper of your sanity, the bringer of quiet sarcastic jokes about your weird uncle, that sort of thing. Her long presence lets her understand what nobody else notices. Formally including other bridesmaids could be good. And if you have family from out of town, they could be your other support crew, so that she sits by your side, while other people drop off the lunch snacks the day of the wedding.
I also want to go back to this idea of asking for what you want. I can see why you bristled at that, because it could be seen as (maybe unintentionally) implying it was your fault. But what I've found is that some of those super-sentimental feelings come in special moments that can be entirely scripted in advance. Maybe the night before the wedding, you want to meet with her after the rehearsal dinner and have a cup of tea or just exchange one last hug before bedtime. That's just one idea, but you might better know those few specific moments you have in mind and who you want to be there for them. Some of those might take minimal planning, and identifying them can make sure you get some of the special moments you imagined.
posted by salvia at 10:16 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ok, do you think that as your good friend, who cares about you probably the same way you care about her, she felt she could have refused your request for her to be MOH, if she even understood the work it involved? She's a hot mess at the moment. That's it. Of course you deserve more reciprocity or firmer boundaries, but you are looking for that in the 100% completely wrong place right now.
2nd that your best bet is to proactively (don't even ask her) relieve her of MOH duties ASAP - demote her to bridesmaid with love ("you're having a tough time right now, this all seems to be a little much for you - please stand with me with less on your shoulders") - and give them to someone who is in a position to deliver.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:19 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
2nd that your best bet is to proactively (don't even ask her) relieve her of MOH duties ASAP - demote her to bridesmaid with love ("you're having a tough time right now, this all seems to be a little much for you - please stand with me with less on your shoulders") - and give them to someone who is in a position to deliver.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:19 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
I also want to go back to this idea of asking for what you want. I can see why you bristled at that, because it could be seen as (maybe unintentionally) implying it was your fault. But what I've found is that some of those super-sentimental feelings come in special moments that can be entirely scripted in advance.
And real talk, this is a lesson that will serve you WELL throughout your marriage.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:21 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
And real talk, this is a lesson that will serve you WELL throughout your marriage.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:21 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for your answers so far, especially for the less-snarky ones. And for the ones that did not assume some gendered stereotypes (or react to them).
Just to clarify:
Rest assured that the groom does at least 50% (if not more) of the wedding duties, including making pink pom poms and crafts work.
I should have made the question less about "women" duties and more about "best friend" type duties.
In contrast, the Best Man planned all of the stag party and my future husband only had to turn up with packed clothes. (and yes, I did ask this of the MoH)
Also, the term "Bridezilla" is demeaning term, and extremely sexist. My needs and emotions are not any less valid than a man/ groom, just because I am a Bride.
posted by moiraine at 10:31 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just to clarify:
Rest assured that the groom does at least 50% (if not more) of the wedding duties, including making pink pom poms and crafts work.
I should have made the question less about "women" duties and more about "best friend" type duties.
In contrast, the Best Man planned all of the stag party and my future husband only had to turn up with packed clothes. (and yes, I did ask this of the MoH)
Also, the term "Bridezilla" is demeaning term, and extremely sexist. My needs and emotions are not any less valid than a man/ groom, just because I am a Bride.
posted by moiraine at 10:31 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'd also like to point out, because I don't think it has been mentioned, that MOH duties and all the little sentimental things cost MONEY, and if she's living with you, she probably doesn't have much to spare. Standing up next to a friend on her wedding day doesn't cost anything, but buying a dress, shoes, bag, getting hair and nails done, buying a gift (or two or three!), making party reservations, hell, even buying craft supplies to make little sentimental trinkets all adds up. You've asked her to take on not only an emotional load, but a financial load. I would think on that for a while before you decide what to do.
posted by Liesl at 10:32 AM on September 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Liesl at 10:32 AM on September 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
I don't think you are being a Bridezilla. I re-read your question and you specifically said you are asking for ways to help you reframe or put this in perspective, or manage your expectations--that's not Bridezilla behaviour!
I think you probably realize your friend doesn't have the emotional resources to be the MOH you wish she would be. But that doesn't make your feelings bad or wrong. You're not demanding she lavish tons of money on you or throw you extravagant parties; you just want to feel like someone's making a fuss over you at a special time in your life.
But I can only imagine what it must be like for her--she probably feels a ton of guilt on top of feeling jealous and sad and just not particularly functional.
I have two suggestions that might achieve at least part of what you want in a way that honours your relationship with your MOH.
1) Can you ask her to get together with you, just the two of you, shortly before your wedding and spend a best friends evening together? I know that puts the burden of planning on you, but it doesn't have to be fancy, just maybe dinner out and then drinks in a hotel lounge or something where you can just sit on plushy couches and reminisce.
2) I really like the suggestions above of enlisting some other friends to help her out. It's likely you have at least one friend you've invited to the wedding who likes planning things. They will understand, especially if you quietly let them know the circumstances--that your MOH is having a hard time (break up, etc.) and needs some help planning for a pre-wedding hen party. Maybe you could get one of them to contact her and ask if she has anything planned (without her knowing you spoke to them first). If she says she hasn't got anything planned, or seems vague about it, they could offer their help.
Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:48 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you probably realize your friend doesn't have the emotional resources to be the MOH you wish she would be. But that doesn't make your feelings bad or wrong. You're not demanding she lavish tons of money on you or throw you extravagant parties; you just want to feel like someone's making a fuss over you at a special time in your life.
But I can only imagine what it must be like for her--she probably feels a ton of guilt on top of feeling jealous and sad and just not particularly functional.
I have two suggestions that might achieve at least part of what you want in a way that honours your relationship with your MOH.
1) Can you ask her to get together with you, just the two of you, shortly before your wedding and spend a best friends evening together? I know that puts the burden of planning on you, but it doesn't have to be fancy, just maybe dinner out and then drinks in a hotel lounge or something where you can just sit on plushy couches and reminisce.
2) I really like the suggestions above of enlisting some other friends to help her out. It's likely you have at least one friend you've invited to the wedding who likes planning things. They will understand, especially if you quietly let them know the circumstances--that your MOH is having a hard time (break up, etc.) and needs some help planning for a pre-wedding hen party. Maybe you could get one of them to contact her and ask if she has anything planned (without her knowing you spoke to them first). If she says she hasn't got anything planned, or seems vague about it, they could offer their help.
Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:48 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Let it go. It's three weeks until your wedding so you don't have any option other than that. Focus on what is great and wonderful in your life: that you get to marry the person you love most of all and that you have people who care about you that will be there to celebrate.
The longer-term issue is improving your friendship with your MoH. You know this is "they way she is" but there is still room (there always is) for the two of you to get better at communicating your expectations with each other. After the wedding, talk to your friend about your disappointment in a respectful way. Ask her if there is anything she needs from you that you're not giving.
Also, calling someone a Bridezilla is sexist, but it is also sexist to assume that all women are planners by nature who love to throw parties and know how to do so without guidance. Not all women make good MoH's, and it sounds like your friend is one such woman.
posted by scantee at 10:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
The longer-term issue is improving your friendship with your MoH. You know this is "they way she is" but there is still room (there always is) for the two of you to get better at communicating your expectations with each other. After the wedding, talk to your friend about your disappointment in a respectful way. Ask her if there is anything she needs from you that you're not giving.
Also, calling someone a Bridezilla is sexist, but it is also sexist to assume that all women are planners by nature who love to throw parties and know how to do so without guidance. Not all women make good MoH's, and it sounds like your friend is one such woman.
posted by scantee at 10:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
I am with sardonyx...I think people are way too harsh on you here. You are owning your feelings and those feelings are valid. You have some really great advice from some commenters here and I would suggest keeping that advice in a handy place because it may come up again.
There have been times that I have been deeply disappointed because my husband hadn't done something as well as other husbands I know had. And despite having chosen him happily as my husband, I do sometimes get disappointed that he didn't do something in a way that I had hoped he would have. Doesn't make me an ingrate or wifezilla (ugh) or any other bullshit like that.
Same thing for you. It just means someone you chose, someone you care for deeply, someone you would choose all over again didn't do something as you hoped they would for whatever reason and you have to find your way beyond the disappointment in a self and other honoring way. Good for you for reaching out for help in a way that preserves your love and friendship with the person you chose for many great reasons as your MOH. Good for you for not making things more difficult for your MOH and handling your fair disappointment in a way that does not further burdern her. And good for you for honoring your feelings of wanting and being worthy of special treatment as a friend and bride. I wish you every happiness.
posted by murrey at 11:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
There have been times that I have been deeply disappointed because my husband hadn't done something as well as other husbands I know had. And despite having chosen him happily as my husband, I do sometimes get disappointed that he didn't do something in a way that I had hoped he would have. Doesn't make me an ingrate or wifezilla (ugh) or any other bullshit like that.
Same thing for you. It just means someone you chose, someone you care for deeply, someone you would choose all over again didn't do something as you hoped they would for whatever reason and you have to find your way beyond the disappointment in a self and other honoring way. Good for you for reaching out for help in a way that preserves your love and friendship with the person you chose for many great reasons as your MOH. Good for you for not making things more difficult for your MOH and handling your fair disappointment in a way that does not further burdern her. And good for you for honoring your feelings of wanting and being worthy of special treatment as a friend and bride. I wish you every happiness.
posted by murrey at 11:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I guess I expected for once in my life (once!), I get to be the person that other people support, instead of being continually supporting others, in particular, my friend.
Just pulling this line out in general, because I am a person who often talks like this, and I think it reveals something problematic about myself that I've been working on. I will share with you what I know. I am often someone who thinks of herself as incredibly helpful. I am supportive of friends. I return phone calls and email. I often "go the extra mile" if somebody needs a ride or something that is not particularly convenient for me sometimes. If I look at it a bit more objectively, I am often putting in more effort than is actually always comfortable for me, because I feel that not only is it a good thing but at some level it goes into the cosmic karma bank. But the thing about the cosmic karma bank, is that you can't always make a withdrawal when you want to. And other people maybe at different places in their cycle than you are and your needs and wants may not lineup.
So on the downside: I can sometimes be a bit of a mental scorekeeper. I keep track of which friends are available to me to get rides to the airport or to help lift the heavy thing up a flight of stairs. I don't want to be anybody doormat, so if I have friends that aren't helpful for me I think sometimes I can withdraw and try to be less helpful for them. It's not really a personality trait I'm fond of to tell you the truth, it's just sort of how I grew up and I'm gradually trying to stop being that way.
So you chose your friend a help you with the wedding, and there may be a lot of variables here but one of them that sort of undeniable as she's in a rough patch when you are needing her and maybe you were feeling like not only is she not helpful for you, but she is actively needing your support. That's just bad timing, though tiring, and there's really not that much you can do about it. That said I would caution you about getting any sort of feedback from "the Internet" because I think a lot of the stuff is very variable and has lots of backstory that you don't know. You know your own backstory but you probably don't know the ones that are being represented two dimensional to you.
So my best advice would be to come clean with your friend and just tell her that some of these things are disappointing not in an "I'm disappointed in you" way but just in a "hey we're both having kind of a down time when we'd rather be having an uptime but let's celebrate our friendship as best we can try to do the best weekend together." I know it can seem weird to actually try to help your friend more as a way of dealing with the fact that you think she's helping you less, but it might help you get your head in a space where you're feeling better about the whole situation, since it does seem like you can realize there's not much you can do about it to make your friends different or make your friend feel better in the immediate future
posted by jessamyn at 11:17 AM on September 21, 2015 [32 favorites]
Just pulling this line out in general, because I am a person who often talks like this, and I think it reveals something problematic about myself that I've been working on. I will share with you what I know. I am often someone who thinks of herself as incredibly helpful. I am supportive of friends. I return phone calls and email. I often "go the extra mile" if somebody needs a ride or something that is not particularly convenient for me sometimes. If I look at it a bit more objectively, I am often putting in more effort than is actually always comfortable for me, because I feel that not only is it a good thing but at some level it goes into the cosmic karma bank. But the thing about the cosmic karma bank, is that you can't always make a withdrawal when you want to. And other people maybe at different places in their cycle than you are and your needs and wants may not lineup.
So on the downside: I can sometimes be a bit of a mental scorekeeper. I keep track of which friends are available to me to get rides to the airport or to help lift the heavy thing up a flight of stairs. I don't want to be anybody doormat, so if I have friends that aren't helpful for me I think sometimes I can withdraw and try to be less helpful for them. It's not really a personality trait I'm fond of to tell you the truth, it's just sort of how I grew up and I'm gradually trying to stop being that way.
So you chose your friend a help you with the wedding, and there may be a lot of variables here but one of them that sort of undeniable as she's in a rough patch when you are needing her and maybe you were feeling like not only is she not helpful for you, but she is actively needing your support. That's just bad timing, though tiring, and there's really not that much you can do about it. That said I would caution you about getting any sort of feedback from "the Internet" because I think a lot of the stuff is very variable and has lots of backstory that you don't know. You know your own backstory but you probably don't know the ones that are being represented two dimensional to you.
So my best advice would be to come clean with your friend and just tell her that some of these things are disappointing not in an "I'm disappointed in you" way but just in a "hey we're both having kind of a down time when we'd rather be having an uptime but let's celebrate our friendship as best we can try to do the best weekend together." I know it can seem weird to actually try to help your friend more as a way of dealing with the fact that you think she's helping you less, but it might help you get your head in a space where you're feeling better about the whole situation, since it does seem like you can realize there's not much you can do about it to make your friends different or make your friend feel better in the immediate future
posted by jessamyn at 11:17 AM on September 21, 2015 [32 favorites]
So, I was in a wedding party recently as a bridesmaid. I said yes to doing this because the bride is a good friend of mine, NOT because I have any interest in weddings or the planning of them. I care about her a lot, I did my best, but at some point it is SO EXHAUSTING for someone who does not naturally care about these things to help nitpick over the number of flowers in a centerpiece, or dress changes, or EXPECTATIONS about social things (that I never even knew about, I have a pinterest for things that interest me I.E. no wedding things whatsoever!). I faked it and really exerted myself but still ended up looking bad compared to people that LOVE thinking about these details and the customs and traditions that I, personally, find useless and eyeroll at on the inside. I don't find Bridezilla to be a sexist term. What I find sexist is how often women live up to it, and how it seems to give them a pass on behavior that I, as a feminist and a person who generally loves a lot of stereotypically female things, find completely unreasonable. I think that much of the emotional labor of weddings is OPTIONAL on the bride's part and it doesn't give people a right to make others feel bad for not thinking these things are super important. Just my perspective as someone who thank goodness was only a bridesmaid and did not have to be a maid of honor that was expected to do all these things!
posted by hummingbird at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by hummingbird at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
She is currently living in our flat for the moment.
This seems like it could be a huge, huge thing to me. Having someone else living in your space is not easy. Living with someone can exacerbate small frictions and magnify bad habits.
She is in a rough spot right now and, I would imagine, is not really great company. You are in a very busy place right now celebrating life goals that have just slipped out of her reach. And you are stuck together in the same apartment. There is no getting away from each other.
I am not saying your feelings about the Maid of Honor duties are wrong, but it might be worthwhile to think about how living together is affecting how you (and she!) feel about what's going on.
posted by maryr at 12:26 PM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
This seems like it could be a huge, huge thing to me. Having someone else living in your space is not easy. Living with someone can exacerbate small frictions and magnify bad habits.
She is in a rough spot right now and, I would imagine, is not really great company. You are in a very busy place right now celebrating life goals that have just slipped out of her reach. And you are stuck together in the same apartment. There is no getting away from each other.
I am not saying your feelings about the Maid of Honor duties are wrong, but it might be worthwhile to think about how living together is affecting how you (and she!) feel about what's going on.
posted by maryr at 12:26 PM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
My sister was my MOH and I guess could have been disappointing if I had had any expectations of her. I told her what I wanted to do for my hen.. Full on "I'd like you to invite these people, we should eat here around this time, then go to here, and then we could go to here after." and then she just called or emailed around for resos. Then I checked constantly to make sure she did it. Or at least designated it to another friend.
Planning a wedding can be overwhelming and it feels like a lot of work and it kind of sucks sometimes. Adding planning my own stagette onto it wasn't really what I wanted to do, but when it came down to walking down the aisle and marrying my husband, who I really wanted to get ready with and stand beside me was my disorganized, busy, spontaneous, non-planner, loveable sister. All the other stuff is fluff, really.
posted by euphoria066 at 12:28 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Planning a wedding can be overwhelming and it feels like a lot of work and it kind of sucks sometimes. Adding planning my own stagette onto it wasn't really what I wanted to do, but when it came down to walking down the aisle and marrying my husband, who I really wanted to get ready with and stand beside me was my disorganized, busy, spontaneous, non-planner, loveable sister. All the other stuff is fluff, really.
posted by euphoria066 at 12:28 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: This happened to me! I asked my dearest, most supportive friend to be my MOH and her life promptly went to shit - her business started failing, as a result major financial problems, she was couch surfing for a little while there. Etc etc etc. She wasn't really able to take charge of any role in the pre-wedding events, she dropped the ball on the few tasks I gave her, but couldn't really admit that my low-key wedding was too much for her. She did pull it together the day of the wedding.
Here's the deal ... at the time I was a bit frustrated and hurt, and I do wish that I had had the same sort of awesome stag weekend my husband got from his friends, but ... the important thing was that my best friend, who had supported me during my toughest times and always pulled me up, was by my side on my happiest day. When I think back on the actual wedding, I just think about how awesome it was and how much I love my husband and what a nice party it was. The less awesome parts faded very, very quickly. The happy memories remain. We are still great friends and I love her to bits.
posted by stowaway at 1:44 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Here's the deal ... at the time I was a bit frustrated and hurt, and I do wish that I had had the same sort of awesome stag weekend my husband got from his friends, but ... the important thing was that my best friend, who had supported me during my toughest times and always pulled me up, was by my side on my happiest day. When I think back on the actual wedding, I just think about how awesome it was and how much I love my husband and what a nice party it was. The less awesome parts faded very, very quickly. The happy memories remain. We are still great friends and I love her to bits.
posted by stowaway at 1:44 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
When you went with one bridesmaid, you made a choice. Clearly you believe that bridesmaids are working your event. If you wanted showers and hen parties, then you should have recruited enough staff members to have sufficient workforce capacity.
You want a crafty, pink pom pom wedding. You also picked someone who you describe as "socially helpless/ limp rag" to be your only staff member. Why did you ask this person - who it sounds like you don't like - to be your MoH? Seriously, a limp rag? There is not a single one of my friends I would refer to in that way.
She doesn't have a place to live, do you really think she has the money to plan the hen party of your dreams?
posted by 26.2 at 1:46 PM on September 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
You want a crafty, pink pom pom wedding. You also picked someone who you describe as "socially helpless/ limp rag" to be your only staff member. Why did you ask this person - who it sounds like you don't like - to be your MoH? Seriously, a limp rag? There is not a single one of my friends I would refer to in that way.
She doesn't have a place to live, do you really think she has the money to plan the hen party of your dreams?
posted by 26.2 at 1:46 PM on September 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
My MoH has been disappointing, not out of spite, but that's just who she is.
and
That's just who she is and her particular situation - not particularly organized and just kinda socially helpless/ limp rag in situations.
This is not how I would describe someone who I respected, loved, and valued as a friend, and you're catching heat about it for a very good reason. If a friend said that "disappointing" was one of my personal character assets, I would've cut them off with a devastating quickness. How certain are you that your disdain for her isn't leaking into your interactions with her? How certain are you that she isn't acutely aware that you see her that way, as she crashes on your couch?
While you're 100% right to expect that your MoH is able to get the job done, have a care in how you frame this when actually speaking to her. Delegate the role to someone who enjoys planning parties, is service-minded, whose life hasn't been recently destabilized, and isn't presently dependent on your goodwill for shelter. Also reconsider whether having one person acting in what's usually a multi-person capacity is actually an efficient way to get what you want out of the wedding experience. Either way, do not (indirectly or otherwise) make her staying with you contingent on her participation in your wedding, and most certainly do not frame this discussion with her in the same way that you framed this question.
posted by Ashen at 2:01 PM on September 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
and
That's just who she is and her particular situation - not particularly organized and just kinda socially helpless/ limp rag in situations.
This is not how I would describe someone who I respected, loved, and valued as a friend, and you're catching heat about it for a very good reason. If a friend said that "disappointing" was one of my personal character assets, I would've cut them off with a devastating quickness. How certain are you that your disdain for her isn't leaking into your interactions with her? How certain are you that she isn't acutely aware that you see her that way, as she crashes on your couch?
While you're 100% right to expect that your MoH is able to get the job done, have a care in how you frame this when actually speaking to her. Delegate the role to someone who enjoys planning parties, is service-minded, whose life hasn't been recently destabilized, and isn't presently dependent on your goodwill for shelter. Also reconsider whether having one person acting in what's usually a multi-person capacity is actually an efficient way to get what you want out of the wedding experience. Either way, do not (indirectly or otherwise) make her staying with you contingent on her participation in your wedding, and most certainly do not frame this discussion with her in the same way that you framed this question.
posted by Ashen at 2:01 PM on September 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
Best answer: This is a tough one. You are completely right to want your friend to share in your experience as a bride! But you're also right to recognize that she's really struggling right now. And it's hard to - as a bride especially, because this is the one big right of passage we get these days - set emotions and expectations aside. Some of the best advice I've ever received was that 'the worst thing someone can do to you is not live up to your expectations of them'. All I can suggest to help you here is to release your MoH from your expectations of an MoH. She's still your friend, still the same friend you chose to support you in your wedding. But clearly she's not the MoH you need. I have seen many people choose wedding parties based on relationships, but not taking into account how well that person will fill the obligations of the role. Reconcile yourself to having a good friend who is a crappy MoH, and ask another friend who is maybe less dear a friend but much better a planner/organizer to step up as your wedding support - then honor them in some other way than by making them an "attendant". I wish you felicitations on your wedding, and many happy years of marriage (and friendship).
posted by AliceBlue at 2:19 PM on September 21, 2015
posted by AliceBlue at 2:19 PM on September 21, 2015
Everything Ashen said.
posted by jessca84 at 2:42 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jessca84 at 2:42 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Wow, you're getting some really mean responses telling you what you should've done months ago, when your question is what you can be doing now to feel better about this. You don't deserve the internet being mean-girl at you in addition.
It can be incredibly tough to realize that your friends can't fulfill basic expectations (and yes, a hen party is the Primary expectation of a MoH), and it can be even rougher when you beat yourself up for feeling being disappointed. So while I favorited a few of the answers above (Jessamyn's especially, I recognize my giving-too-much-sometimes self in there), I'd also encourage you to own that it's Totally OK to feel the way you feel. Heck, it's so normal you even had a short-hand for it in your question! I'm betting you dollars to donuts that Many of the people being snarky about this have been disappointed in a lame birthday celebration or any number of other social disappointments themselves.
So, mostly, spend some time meditating not only on the things you love about your MOH, but also the things you love about yourself. They can be totally different things! They can even be informed by this disappointment! Just keep coming back to the love.
posted by ldthomps at 2:59 PM on September 21, 2015
It can be incredibly tough to realize that your friends can't fulfill basic expectations (and yes, a hen party is the Primary expectation of a MoH), and it can be even rougher when you beat yourself up for feeling being disappointed. So while I favorited a few of the answers above (Jessamyn's especially, I recognize my giving-too-much-sometimes self in there), I'd also encourage you to own that it's Totally OK to feel the way you feel. Heck, it's so normal you even had a short-hand for it in your question! I'm betting you dollars to donuts that Many of the people being snarky about this have been disappointed in a lame birthday celebration or any number of other social disappointments themselves.
So, mostly, spend some time meditating not only on the things you love about your MOH, but also the things you love about yourself. They can be totally different things! They can even be informed by this disappointment! Just keep coming back to the love.
posted by ldthomps at 2:59 PM on September 21, 2015
If I were in your friend's shoes, your living room rug would be drenched with my salty tears.
OP, I agree the term "Bridezilla" is stupid sexist bullshit. You're entitled to feel disappointed in your MoH during this stressful time in your life.
HOWEVER. Your best friend's entire world just collapsed, and your tone reads more resentful than compassionate. Why don't you ask if she'd like to handle a couple specific, manageable things and delegate the rest? Life's too short to spend it hoping circumstances are different than they actually are.
posted by jessca84 at 3:13 PM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
OP, I agree the term "Bridezilla" is stupid sexist bullshit. You're entitled to feel disappointed in your MoH during this stressful time in your life.
HOWEVER. Your best friend's entire world just collapsed, and your tone reads more resentful than compassionate. Why don't you ask if she'd like to handle a couple specific, manageable things and delegate the rest? Life's too short to spend it hoping circumstances are different than they actually are.
posted by jessca84 at 3:13 PM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm reading this carefully because I think I've been an underperforming maid of honor. But one of the things I learned about weddings from being a bride is that if something is important, it *will* get done and if it doesn't get done, it wasn't important. That might not be comforting now but I recently celebrated my sixth anniversary and I consider myself no less married than anyone else despite my lack of bachelorette party. Best wishes and congratulations in advance!
posted by kat518 at 4:19 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kat518 at 4:19 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
This reminds me of feelings I had about my wedding, which for immigration reasons I had to plan nearly alone and with minimal input from anyone else. And I carried a bunch of sadness about not having "nice, sentimental" things, as you say, until I realized that there were sort of two prongs to my feelings:
1) I'd been doing a huge amount of supporting others the two years leading up to this, because of people close to me having major life crises; and
2) I wanted some kind of token or proof that they loved me back, and I was projecting that on the whole wedding situation.
And once I'd really thought it through in those terms, it lost some of its awfulness. No, I didn't get a hen party or a bachelorette party or toasts or a registry or any of those things. But I did, actually, know that my friends and family loved me. They showed me that in other ways. It didn't have to be part of the wedding pageantry to qualify.
So I don't know if anything similar applies to you, but in my case it really helped to sit with this unhappiness and try to understand what it meant to me.
posted by shattersock at 6:27 PM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
1) I'd been doing a huge amount of supporting others the two years leading up to this, because of people close to me having major life crises; and
2) I wanted some kind of token or proof that they loved me back, and I was projecting that on the whole wedding situation.
And once I'd really thought it through in those terms, it lost some of its awfulness. No, I didn't get a hen party or a bachelorette party or toasts or a registry or any of those things. But I did, actually, know that my friends and family loved me. They showed me that in other ways. It didn't have to be part of the wedding pageantry to qualify.
So I don't know if anything similar applies to you, but in my case it really helped to sit with this unhappiness and try to understand what it meant to me.
posted by shattersock at 6:27 PM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
It literally would never have occurred to me if my best friend asked me to be her Maid of Honor that I would be expected to do crafts, or plan parties, or do anything other than show up the weekend of the wedding ready to walk down the aisle. I mean, I guess I understand from the internet that people do those things for weddings, but I've never been friends with someone who expected that of me. And so I'd say yes without any understanding that my friend would want or expect any of those things. I certainly wouldn't seriously consider whether or not I was able to do all of those things before saying yes, because it wouldn't occur to me that she'd be expecting it.
And to be honest, unless I had been asked in advance (like, at the time I was asked to be in the wedding) whether I'd be willing to do all the things you've described, I'd be a little put out if a friend all of a sudden started sending me reminder emails about things she was expecting me to do. Did your friend know when you asked her to be Maid of Honor that you expected that of her? Did you tell her that when you were asking her to be in your wedding, you were also asking her to plan parties and help with planning and do crafts and whatever else you're now asking her to do? Because while I think most of us are aware that Pinterest and hen nights and whatnot are a thing, I think there are a lot of us who have no idea that being Maid of Honor in a wedding necessarily comes with an expectation that we would do those things.
posted by decathecting at 7:01 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
And to be honest, unless I had been asked in advance (like, at the time I was asked to be in the wedding) whether I'd be willing to do all the things you've described, I'd be a little put out if a friend all of a sudden started sending me reminder emails about things she was expecting me to do. Did your friend know when you asked her to be Maid of Honor that you expected that of her? Did you tell her that when you were asking her to be in your wedding, you were also asking her to plan parties and help with planning and do crafts and whatever else you're now asking her to do? Because while I think most of us are aware that Pinterest and hen nights and whatnot are a thing, I think there are a lot of us who have no idea that being Maid of Honor in a wedding necessarily comes with an expectation that we would do those things.
posted by decathecting at 7:01 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
decathecting, if I wasn't already married you could be my MoH. Someone up-thread said that a hen party is the primary expectation of a MoH. It was not in any way my expectation. I expected my MoH to come to wedding and stand beside me when I said my vows. I do have treasured, sentimental memories of my MoH, but they are all specific to the wedding itself.
This may be partly an expectations clarity issue.
posted by 26.2 at 8:34 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
This may be partly an expectations clarity issue.
posted by 26.2 at 8:34 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I guess I expected for once in my life (once!), I get to be the person that other people support, instead of being continually supporting others, in particular, my friend. I have seen my other friends plan their friends hen nights and they put in so much thought and effort into it (and I have been part of the hen nights too).
This is indeed a big and very emotional story that you're telling yourself about your whole life, which is understandable because your wedding is a big moment. However. In addition to following Jessamyn's and others' advice about addressing the content of those beliefs, try to snap out of this story/feeling and look at the reality of what's happened so far.
The friends you're comparing yourself against probably had more bridesmaids, and a more distributed division of labour (including, probably, one or more planny people, others ok with taking directions, some there to fill a dress, whatever). Reality point 1 (I assume).
Reality point 2: You went for a small wedding, and chose a single MOH/bridesmaid, who you say isn't a huge planner under ideal conditions, and is currently in a moment of serious life upheaval. (Also, remember that things were probably awful for her before the breakup, too.)
Reality point 3: you have other friends who are happy to help with stuff! They're just not in your bridal party, because you're having a small wedding.
You're not, actually, friendless or unspecial. This hen party business is messy now as a result of the planning choices you made and bad timing (friend's troubles). It isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. Or of your friend's worth as a person. It is just the stuff that happened to happen. Disappointing, sure. Life rarely works out exactly the way you think it will. Try to roll with it and make the best of it anyway.
Ask less of this friend (and tell her you're going to because she's got a lot on her plate), ask your other friends to do more. If you need people to be hand-gluing pom-poms, change that idea to something simpler. Talk about the hen night, and do something easy/small scale. Be glad for the friends who are there.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:22 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is indeed a big and very emotional story that you're telling yourself about your whole life, which is understandable because your wedding is a big moment. However. In addition to following Jessamyn's and others' advice about addressing the content of those beliefs, try to snap out of this story/feeling and look at the reality of what's happened so far.
The friends you're comparing yourself against probably had more bridesmaids, and a more distributed division of labour (including, probably, one or more planny people, others ok with taking directions, some there to fill a dress, whatever). Reality point 1 (I assume).
Reality point 2: You went for a small wedding, and chose a single MOH/bridesmaid, who you say isn't a huge planner under ideal conditions, and is currently in a moment of serious life upheaval. (Also, remember that things were probably awful for her before the breakup, too.)
Reality point 3: you have other friends who are happy to help with stuff! They're just not in your bridal party, because you're having a small wedding.
You're not, actually, friendless or unspecial. This hen party business is messy now as a result of the planning choices you made and bad timing (friend's troubles). It isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. Or of your friend's worth as a person. It is just the stuff that happened to happen. Disappointing, sure. Life rarely works out exactly the way you think it will. Try to roll with it and make the best of it anyway.
Ask less of this friend (and tell her you're going to because she's got a lot on her plate), ask your other friends to do more. If you need people to be hand-gluing pom-poms, change that idea to something simpler. Talk about the hen night, and do something easy/small scale. Be glad for the friends who are there.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:22 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also I cannot imagine the emotional effort she is probably already going through to be peppy and participate in your wedding when she just broke up with a LTR... especially when you put the entire burden on her by making her the sole bridesmaid/MOH. Cut her some slack.
posted by cakebatter at 8:35 AM on September 21, 2015 [31 favorites]