How to cope with working for a narcissist?
September 18, 2015 7:38 AM Subscribe
I love my job, but my boss' narcissistic personality is causing me a great deal of personal stress. I don't want to leave my job. Looking for resources to help me cope!
I love my job. Love my company, love where I work, love what I do, mostly love the people I work with - except that I have discovered over the years that my boss has a variety of mental health issues. Some of boss' behaviors that effect me include:
- Very high levels of anxiety with occasional paranoia. Needs constant reassurance, wants me to make decisions they should be making, over-analyzes interactions to death trying to discern secret meanings, sometimes assumes people are being malicious for no reason. This also manifests as hypochondria / health anxiety, which I can be forced to spend a great deal of time discussing at work.
- Believes they are special, that their life and work challenges are more unique / difficult / extraordinary than everyone else's.
- Highly manipulative and exploitative when it suits them. Has no qualms with inconveniencing someone else if it means they get what they want. Also enjoys guilt tripping the other person about it.
- Blows up at anything perceived as criticism or disagreement, and absolutely CAN NOT ever admit they are wrong, even with hard evidence. When presented with the evidence, I am told I am the one who is mistaken. This usually manifests as them changing their mind about a work project and then behaving as if I'm the one who was mistaken all along. Occasionally this has led to having to re-work entire projects - sometimes more than once. Sometimes a benign question such as "Do you have any plans for this weekend?" can trigger an outburst.
- Complains about everything, constantly. Any attempts to engage the complaining, by offering helpful suggestions and/or sympathizing, just leads to more aggressive complaining.
On top of these many pleasant characteristics, boss is also prone to chronic lying, mood swings, and generally has the emotional maturity of a teenager despite being much older.
(I should add that despite these issues, it has not effected my performance or reviews at work, which are always good.)
Perhaps the biggest problem: our relationship has not always been strictly work-related. I once had some level of friendship with this person. We are connected via social media, so that I am forced to interact with boss on a personal level, even when I am not at work. Blocking boss is not an option because of other friends we have in common and other complications.
But enough about them. This is about me. (See what I did there? Ha.) I really don't want to leave my job, but this relationship is causing me a great deal of personal stress and anxiety, and I am not typically an anxious person. How can I cope with this person better? I have no illusions of fixing them and I am aware that if I decide to stay in this job, I have to deal with the consequences. But are there resources on how to deal with people like this? I have already erected as many personal boundaries as I can - I avoid spending time with them outside of work when possible, I do not discuss my health or other life issues with them unless absolutely necessary (this leads to a kind of sick one-upping with health problems that I find repulsive). I have stopped responding to the constant complaining with any sort of help, and instead respond with a non-committal "that sucks" or "oh, i see". I have pretty much given up ever trying to claim they are wrong about anything. But this is relationship is still creeping into my personal life much more than I am comfortable with. I complain about boss to my close friends and spouse constantly. Even when not at work, something will remind me of something boss said or did, and I will get angry about it all over again. I get anxious about going to work or even interacting with them whenever I perceive boss may be having a "bad" day that will lead to outbursts and/or erratic behavior. Basically, this one person is constantly invading my mental space, 24/7. I have been tolerating this to some degree for years, but this has been an extraordinarily stressful year for me personally and I feel like I am reaching a breaking point of some sort.
TL;DR: I am not looking for a diagnosis for my boss or advice to find a new job. I am looking specifically for ways I can personally cope with having this person in my life, create healthier boundaries, and stop spending so much mental energy on this relationship.
I love my job. Love my company, love where I work, love what I do, mostly love the people I work with - except that I have discovered over the years that my boss has a variety of mental health issues. Some of boss' behaviors that effect me include:
- Very high levels of anxiety with occasional paranoia. Needs constant reassurance, wants me to make decisions they should be making, over-analyzes interactions to death trying to discern secret meanings, sometimes assumes people are being malicious for no reason. This also manifests as hypochondria / health anxiety, which I can be forced to spend a great deal of time discussing at work.
- Believes they are special, that their life and work challenges are more unique / difficult / extraordinary than everyone else's.
- Highly manipulative and exploitative when it suits them. Has no qualms with inconveniencing someone else if it means they get what they want. Also enjoys guilt tripping the other person about it.
- Blows up at anything perceived as criticism or disagreement, and absolutely CAN NOT ever admit they are wrong, even with hard evidence. When presented with the evidence, I am told I am the one who is mistaken. This usually manifests as them changing their mind about a work project and then behaving as if I'm the one who was mistaken all along. Occasionally this has led to having to re-work entire projects - sometimes more than once. Sometimes a benign question such as "Do you have any plans for this weekend?" can trigger an outburst.
- Complains about everything, constantly. Any attempts to engage the complaining, by offering helpful suggestions and/or sympathizing, just leads to more aggressive complaining.
On top of these many pleasant characteristics, boss is also prone to chronic lying, mood swings, and generally has the emotional maturity of a teenager despite being much older.
(I should add that despite these issues, it has not effected my performance or reviews at work, which are always good.)
Perhaps the biggest problem: our relationship has not always been strictly work-related. I once had some level of friendship with this person. We are connected via social media, so that I am forced to interact with boss on a personal level, even when I am not at work. Blocking boss is not an option because of other friends we have in common and other complications.
But enough about them. This is about me. (See what I did there? Ha.) I really don't want to leave my job, but this relationship is causing me a great deal of personal stress and anxiety, and I am not typically an anxious person. How can I cope with this person better? I have no illusions of fixing them and I am aware that if I decide to stay in this job, I have to deal with the consequences. But are there resources on how to deal with people like this? I have already erected as many personal boundaries as I can - I avoid spending time with them outside of work when possible, I do not discuss my health or other life issues with them unless absolutely necessary (this leads to a kind of sick one-upping with health problems that I find repulsive). I have stopped responding to the constant complaining with any sort of help, and instead respond with a non-committal "that sucks" or "oh, i see". I have pretty much given up ever trying to claim they are wrong about anything. But this is relationship is still creeping into my personal life much more than I am comfortable with. I complain about boss to my close friends and spouse constantly. Even when not at work, something will remind me of something boss said or did, and I will get angry about it all over again. I get anxious about going to work or even interacting with them whenever I perceive boss may be having a "bad" day that will lead to outbursts and/or erratic behavior. Basically, this one person is constantly invading my mental space, 24/7. I have been tolerating this to some degree for years, but this has been an extraordinarily stressful year for me personally and I feel like I am reaching a breaking point of some sort.
TL;DR: I am not looking for a diagnosis for my boss or advice to find a new job. I am looking specifically for ways I can personally cope with having this person in my life, create healthier boundaries, and stop spending so much mental energy on this relationship.
Best answer: As the child of a narcissist, my first thought is "Run! Run far! Run fast!" But to actually answer you question:
-- Fully and truly take in that you cannot change your boss. In fact, it is likely that they are incapable of change. They will not mellow. They will never wake up one day and actually see you. They won't acknowledge you've been right all this time. This is it. This is what you will always have with them.
-- Decide what your goals are and stay laser focussed on them. That means you will have to swallow your pride over and over again. Figure out how to convince them that they thought of the amazing new plan/product/strategy that is, in fact, all your work. You've got a broken leg and a migraine and need a major organ transplant? Too bad. If you want to achieve your goals, you are going to have to agree with them that their minor cold is much much worse.
-- I would recommend that you make rules for yourself about how much you think and talk about this person outside of work. Don't give them more of your time. When you get angry and frustrated, repeat whatever mantra you need to keep them out of your brain. "My boss is mentally ill and incapable of acting in a way I find acceptable. I will not give them any more of my time and attention."
If this all sounds hard, it's because it is. Narcissists are really awful people to be around. I wish you luck.
posted by mcduff at 8:14 AM on September 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
-- Fully and truly take in that you cannot change your boss. In fact, it is likely that they are incapable of change. They will not mellow. They will never wake up one day and actually see you. They won't acknowledge you've been right all this time. This is it. This is what you will always have with them.
-- Decide what your goals are and stay laser focussed on them. That means you will have to swallow your pride over and over again. Figure out how to convince them that they thought of the amazing new plan/product/strategy that is, in fact, all your work. You've got a broken leg and a migraine and need a major organ transplant? Too bad. If you want to achieve your goals, you are going to have to agree with them that their minor cold is much much worse.
-- I would recommend that you make rules for yourself about how much you think and talk about this person outside of work. Don't give them more of your time. When you get angry and frustrated, repeat whatever mantra you need to keep them out of your brain. "My boss is mentally ill and incapable of acting in a way I find acceptable. I will not give them any more of my time and attention."
If this all sounds hard, it's because it is. Narcissists are really awful people to be around. I wish you luck.
posted by mcduff at 8:14 AM on September 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah, I mean - you've sort of set up an impossible shot here. You say I am looking specifically for ways I can personally cope with having this person in my life, create healthier boundaries, and stop spending so much mental energy on this relationship. I am not sure this is possible within the constraints you've given.
Answer you want: Yes, see a therapist, discuss your frustrations, use them as an outlet for all your emotional stuff and all the emotional stuff your boss is dumping on you daily. This may work...okay, kind of, depending on a variety of factors.
Answer you don't want: The only thing that is going to fix this, I mean really fix it forever, is getting a new job. I know, you like your current job. Can you do your current job somewhere else? There's a reason why the common wisdom is that people don't leave jobs, they leave managers.
You won't change your boss. Maybe you'll find that therapy helps you to let go of your workday when you leave it. If it doesn't, please reconsider removing yourself from the situation entirely.
posted by superfluousm at 8:18 AM on September 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
Answer you want: Yes, see a therapist, discuss your frustrations, use them as an outlet for all your emotional stuff and all the emotional stuff your boss is dumping on you daily. This may work...okay, kind of, depending on a variety of factors.
Answer you don't want: The only thing that is going to fix this, I mean really fix it forever, is getting a new job. I know, you like your current job. Can you do your current job somewhere else? There's a reason why the common wisdom is that people don't leave jobs, they leave managers.
You won't change your boss. Maybe you'll find that therapy helps you to let go of your workday when you leave it. If it doesn't, please reconsider removing yourself from the situation entirely.
posted by superfluousm at 8:18 AM on September 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
(I should add that despite these issues, it has not effected my performance or reviews at work, which are always good.)
You should be preparing yourself for the day when this changes. Reclaiming your own mental space may be enough to flip the boss's opinion of you from ally to enemy. Start keeping a written journal.
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:41 AM on September 18, 2015 [9 favorites]
You should be preparing yourself for the day when this changes. Reclaiming your own mental space may be enough to flip the boss's opinion of you from ally to enemy. Start keeping a written journal.
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:41 AM on September 18, 2015 [9 favorites]
-- Fully and truly take in that you cannot change your boss. In fact, it is likely that they are incapable of change. They will not mellow. They will never wake up one day and actually see you. They won't acknowledge you've been right all this time. This is it. This is what you will always have with them.
Yes, definitely agree with this. I guess if you are really set on staying on this job you just have to accept that this person's behaviour is something that comes with it. Like a horrible commute or an early start. It's not something you can change. What worries me about what you've written - at the moment your boss is a mere nuisance, but what if they start throwing disciplinaries for you for fun, bullying you or hampering your career progress? I think you should be prepared to take this higher - keep written records of incidents especially if there is written proof or witnesses. Is a sideways move within your organisation a possibility? I had a similar relationship with a manager where I work and the problems got much better when she was moved to a different team, even though I still have to work with her fairly regularly.
The only other thing I can say (which is easier said than done) is that this isn't personal. Your boss has a personality disorder and is basically not a nice person. There is nothing you can do to help them and even if there was, it wouldn't be your job to do it.
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:56 AM on September 18, 2015
Yes, definitely agree with this. I guess if you are really set on staying on this job you just have to accept that this person's behaviour is something that comes with it. Like a horrible commute or an early start. It's not something you can change. What worries me about what you've written - at the moment your boss is a mere nuisance, but what if they start throwing disciplinaries for you for fun, bullying you or hampering your career progress? I think you should be prepared to take this higher - keep written records of incidents especially if there is written proof or witnesses. Is a sideways move within your organisation a possibility? I had a similar relationship with a manager where I work and the problems got much better when she was moved to a different team, even though I still have to work with her fairly regularly.
The only other thing I can say (which is easier said than done) is that this isn't personal. Your boss has a personality disorder and is basically not a nice person. There is nothing you can do to help them and even if there was, it wouldn't be your job to do it.
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:56 AM on September 18, 2015
Best answer: We are connected via social media, so that I am forced to interact with boss on a personal level, even when I am not at work. Blocking boss is not an option because of other friends we have in common and other complications.
If you aren't able/willing to change jobs and you aren't able/willing to change your non-work socializing, I'm really not sure what options you have here. The usual advice for work stress invading your personal life is to find ways to leave work at work (a counselor once suggested I image walking through a shower when leaving the building so as to wash all the work off of me). Is interacting on social media a part of your job? If not, I'd start working on untangling yourself from your boss there. If it isn't your job, it isn't compulsory no matter how much it might feel like it is. If you aren't required to participate in social media for your job, stay off it. You don't have to block anyone, just stay off FB or Twitter or whatever. Or just turned the damned computer off.
Otherwise, maybe do some reading on the physiology of personality disorders. Mental health issues sometimes come down to simple chemical imbalances. Sometimes bodies just don't quite work the way they should. Think of it as a chemistry experiment where the mix is off. So maybe seeing your boss' issues in a more clinical light will help you depersonalize it?
But also sometimes chemistry experiments explode and blow your face off so start thinking about your options for a new job in your field. The situation with your boss will probably get worse before it gets better. Good luck!
posted by Beti at 9:19 AM on September 18, 2015
If you aren't able/willing to change jobs and you aren't able/willing to change your non-work socializing, I'm really not sure what options you have here. The usual advice for work stress invading your personal life is to find ways to leave work at work (a counselor once suggested I image walking through a shower when leaving the building so as to wash all the work off of me). Is interacting on social media a part of your job? If not, I'd start working on untangling yourself from your boss there. If it isn't your job, it isn't compulsory no matter how much it might feel like it is. If you aren't required to participate in social media for your job, stay off it. You don't have to block anyone, just stay off FB or Twitter or whatever. Or just turned the damned computer off.
Otherwise, maybe do some reading on the physiology of personality disorders. Mental health issues sometimes come down to simple chemical imbalances. Sometimes bodies just don't quite work the way they should. Think of it as a chemistry experiment where the mix is off. So maybe seeing your boss' issues in a more clinical light will help you depersonalize it?
But also sometimes chemistry experiments explode and blow your face off so start thinking about your options for a new job in your field. The situation with your boss will probably get worse before it gets better. Good luck!
posted by Beti at 9:19 AM on September 18, 2015
Response by poster: Maybe I didn't make this clear initially - I am fully aware that leaving this job for a new one is the easiest way out. I have chosen to keep this job (for now) for a number of reasons, not just because I "like" it. This is literally my dream job in every way, except for this one person. I have amazing benefits, flexibility, and job security at a time when those things are hard to come by and very much needed. I am not ruling out leaving this job EVER. Rather, I have consciously weighed the pros and cons and decided to stay, for now. I realize I am asking a difficult question for which there are no easy answers. I promise I am not just being stubborn and difficult for no reason.
If you have tips for how to disengage on social media I would love to hear them. Boss follows my public accounts that I use for my hobbies. I use FB to keep in touch with friends and family far from home and would hate to have boss be a factor in losing that connection to important people in my life. I think I can maybe filter FB better, but in practice I have found ignoring boss' posts on social media just results in having them brought up later at work instead. "Did you see my post about
I accept that I cannot change my boss and that they are mentally ill. What I'm looking for is ways to let that shit go at the end of the work day and not have it spill over into my personal time so much. Like mcduff's advice with rules and a mantra, and Beti's suggestion of picturing a shower on the way out of the building.
Lastly, I should mention that I have been in this job for over a decade. I have gotten fairly good at playing nice with boss and I don't see this impacting my reviews anytime soon. That said, I do keep documentation of everything and am willing to jump ship if things should turn south in that regard.
posted by youdontknowme at 10:14 AM on September 18, 2015
If you have tips for how to disengage on social media I would love to hear them. Boss follows my public accounts that I use for my hobbies. I use FB to keep in touch with friends and family far from home and would hate to have boss be a factor in losing that connection to important people in my life. I think I can maybe filter FB better, but in practice I have found ignoring boss' posts on social media just results in having them brought up later at work instead. "Did you see my post about
<whatever>? No? Well now I will tell you all about it in person, at work, where you can't escape." Sudden unfriending or blocking or closing accounts would definitely lead to a "why did you do that?" confrontation later at work. I accept that I cannot change my boss and that they are mentally ill. What I'm looking for is ways to let that shit go at the end of the work day and not have it spill over into my personal time so much. Like mcduff's advice with rules and a mantra, and Beti's suggestion of picturing a shower on the way out of the building.
Lastly, I should mention that I have been in this job for over a decade. I have gotten fairly good at playing nice with boss and I don't see this impacting my reviews anytime soon. That said, I do keep documentation of everything and am willing to jump ship if things should turn south in that regard.
posted by youdontknowme at 10:14 AM on September 18, 2015
Best answer: OK, so, even knowing that your boss is not going to change, you do not want to leave your job: that's a reasonable choice to make. I recommend that you remind yourself of that ALL THE TIME.
Boss blows up about crazy thing that makes no sense? Make concliatory noises at her and remind yourself, "Dealing with this craziness allows me to work at My Dream Job."
Boss asks you if you saw the thing she posted on FB on Saturday? Say, "No, I must have missed it!" and while she tells you all about it, just think about how glad you were you didn't look at her FB over the weekend.
When boss tries to manipulate you into doing something for her, remind yourself that you get to decide what to do - maybe it's easier to do the thing and avoid the guilt trip, and maybe it's easier to listen to the guilt trip and push back on doing the thing, but ultimately that is also your choice.
And don't argue with her, ever - it doesn't get her to change her mind and it sounds very frustrating for you. SO WHAT if she lies? SO WHAT if she's wrong? SO WHAT if she's paranoid? Ultimately those are her problems, not your problems. Or rather they're problems, but in the same way any other thing completely out of your control is your problem. You have decided that you would rather put up with these things than find another job. You can change your mind at any time. Don't forget that!
posted by mskyle at 12:05 PM on September 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Boss blows up about crazy thing that makes no sense? Make concliatory noises at her and remind yourself, "Dealing with this craziness allows me to work at My Dream Job."
Boss asks you if you saw the thing she posted on FB on Saturday? Say, "No, I must have missed it!" and while she tells you all about it, just think about how glad you were you didn't look at her FB over the weekend.
When boss tries to manipulate you into doing something for her, remind yourself that you get to decide what to do - maybe it's easier to do the thing and avoid the guilt trip, and maybe it's easier to listen to the guilt trip and push back on doing the thing, but ultimately that is also your choice.
And don't argue with her, ever - it doesn't get her to change her mind and it sounds very frustrating for you. SO WHAT if she lies? SO WHAT if she's wrong? SO WHAT if she's paranoid? Ultimately those are her problems, not your problems. Or rather they're problems, but in the same way any other thing completely out of your control is your problem. You have decided that you would rather put up with these things than find another job. You can change your mind at any time. Don't forget that!
posted by mskyle at 12:05 PM on September 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
All of the solutions to this problem involve you disengaging with your boss in some way, but it seems like you've considered and rejected most of those solutions. If you don't want to quit, don't want to block or unfriend your boss on social media, I think what you're left with is disengaging with her emotionally. Keep your entire relationship focused on work. When she talks to you about personal matters, respond briefly and then redirect the conversation to work matters. Don't tell her anything about your own life. Don't engage with her on social media (no liking her posts or responding to her comments on yours or commenting on hers) If she asks how your weekend was, respond "great!" and then move along. It's possible to be both civil and emotionally unavailable to her.
Now for some conjecture. From an outside perspective, there seem to be some fairly straightforward things you could do to address this situation and yet you are pretty hesitant to do any of those things. My totally uninformed guess is that you have some co-dependency with your boss and it's preventing you from taking the obvious steps to distance yourself from her. If I was in your situation, I would probably try and figure out why I was avoiding doing the obvious. Is her approval, not just in work but in life as well, of particular importance to you? Did you once have a good relationship that has more recently soured? Examining your own behavior and emotional ties to your boss might free you to implement the obvious fixes to your problem.
posted by scantee at 12:16 PM on September 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Now for some conjecture. From an outside perspective, there seem to be some fairly straightforward things you could do to address this situation and yet you are pretty hesitant to do any of those things. My totally uninformed guess is that you have some co-dependency with your boss and it's preventing you from taking the obvious steps to distance yourself from her. If I was in your situation, I would probably try and figure out why I was avoiding doing the obvious. Is her approval, not just in work but in life as well, of particular importance to you? Did you once have a good relationship that has more recently soured? Examining your own behavior and emotional ties to your boss might free you to implement the obvious fixes to your problem.
posted by scantee at 12:16 PM on September 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have lots and lots of experience with working under the authority of narcissists. And I'm answering the TL;DR version.
It's easy, really: simply adopt (while at work) his world view that he's real and you're marginal and insubstantial.
This is how all hierarchies of authority work, no? The underling agrees, for pay, to buy into the boss' intrinsic superiority. Occasionally, it's even true....though not usually. Either way, your job is to pretend to believe it, and to relinquish volition to his supposedly superior wisdom/perspective/say-so. The more you buy into his worldview - that it's all about him - the smoother everything will go.
If such an arrangement is intolerable for you, your issue may be more with authority than with narcissism.
posted by Quisp Lover at 12:54 PM on September 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's easy, really: simply adopt (while at work) his world view that he's real and you're marginal and insubstantial.
This is how all hierarchies of authority work, no? The underling agrees, for pay, to buy into the boss' intrinsic superiority. Occasionally, it's even true....though not usually. Either way, your job is to pretend to believe it, and to relinquish volition to his supposedly superior wisdom/perspective/say-so. The more you buy into his worldview - that it's all about him - the smoother everything will go.
If such an arrangement is intolerable for you, your issue may be more with authority than with narcissism.
posted by Quisp Lover at 12:54 PM on September 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I can only recommend the book Working with Difficult People for specific strategic advice to possibly improve some aspects of your relationship with the boss. Awesome book with great strategies depending on the behavior going on and whether it;s a peer, support or management doing it.
Given that you are there ten years- any hope for a transfer, for EITHER of you? That would give me hope. My last nutter boss, I emotionally disengaged as many recommended and the more I tried to "not let her get to me" the more she doubled down to get a reaction. I had to take anxiety meds to cope with because the social thing got weird and slowly but surely, everything else did. She needed her staff to love her and I just could not fake it. YMMV.
Good luck!
posted by TenaciousB at 2:54 PM on September 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Given that you are there ten years- any hope for a transfer, for EITHER of you? That would give me hope. My last nutter boss, I emotionally disengaged as many recommended and the more I tried to "not let her get to me" the more she doubled down to get a reaction. I had to take anxiety meds to cope with because the social thing got weird and slowly but surely, everything else did. She needed her staff to love her and I just could not fake it. YMMV.
Good luck!
posted by TenaciousB at 2:54 PM on September 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you for the advice. I will definitely try some of these mental tricks. Reminding myself that I always have a choice and that I can leave any time I want is important, I think. I have to say this thread didn't go quite how I expected. I just wanted some advice on how to cope with / handle a difficult person in my life.
I would love to block/unfriend boss on social media, but I literally have no idea *how* to make that work with someone who thinks we are great friends, is also my boss, and cannot handle criticism without blowing up. I work in a very small office (<5 people) and have direct contact with boss all day, all week long. I really can't think of a way to pull that off that doesn't end with boss getting insulted and making my work days even worse. I'm just picturing: Blocking --> "What do you mean we aren't friends!?" --> Life Turns Into Living Hell. What I could possibly pull off is hiding boss from my feed and interacting with their posts at a select time and as little as absolutely necessary to keep the peace, so that I limit my constant exposure to the insanity. If anyone has any practical advice on how to defuse this unfriending bomb without it blowing up in my face, please do share.
I really don't believe there is any co-dependency here. As noted previously, we had a friendship at one point before I realized the extent of the mental issues. I have since pulled WAY back while still trying to appear civil. I don't really give two shits about their opinion of me (outside of a work capacity). What is important to me is that my work days are as pleasant and conflict/stress free as possible.
I do not think there is any chance of boss leaving any time soon. If one of us goes, it will have to be me. That will probably happen eventually, when the timing is better for my family. Believe me, I have been keeping my eyes open for opportunities that might be worth abandoning Dream Job for.
posted by youdontknowme at 5:33 PM on September 18, 2015
I would love to block/unfriend boss on social media, but I literally have no idea *how* to make that work with someone who thinks we are great friends, is also my boss, and cannot handle criticism without blowing up. I work in a very small office (<5 people) and have direct contact with boss all day, all week long. I really can't think of a way to pull that off that doesn't end with boss getting insulted and making my work days even worse. I'm just picturing: Blocking --> "What do you mean we aren't friends!?" --> Life Turns Into Living Hell. What I could possibly pull off is hiding boss from my feed and interacting with their posts at a select time and as little as absolutely necessary to keep the peace, so that I limit my constant exposure to the insanity. If anyone has any practical advice on how to defuse this unfriending bomb without it blowing up in my face, please do share.
I really don't believe there is any co-dependency here. As noted previously, we had a friendship at one point before I realized the extent of the mental issues. I have since pulled WAY back while still trying to appear civil. I don't really give two shits about their opinion of me (outside of a work capacity). What is important to me is that my work days are as pleasant and conflict/stress free as possible.
I do not think there is any chance of boss leaving any time soon. If one of us goes, it will have to be me. That will probably happen eventually, when the timing is better for my family. Believe me, I have been keeping my eyes open for opportunities that might be worth abandoning Dream Job for.
posted by youdontknowme at 5:33 PM on September 18, 2015
What I have done in similar situation on FB is make some kind of generic statement on FB that I'm narrowing down my FB to just family members for REASONS or going on a FB fast, and then unfriend the ones I wanted gone.
posted by tamitang at 5:47 PM on September 18, 2015
posted by tamitang at 5:47 PM on September 18, 2015
What I could possibly pull off is hiding boss from my feed and interacting with their posts at a select time and as little as absolutely necessary to keep the peace, so that I limit my constant exposure to the insanity. If anyone has any practical advice on how to defuse this unfriending bomb without it blowing up in my face, please do share.
Hide, yes. There should not be any reason you need to then interact with their posts; if you consider it necessary for work, doing it during work time so you're not doing it at home. Set privacy controls on most of your future posts so that your boss can't see them. "Oh, I'm not on Facebook quite as much as I used to be -- it was getting too consuming," if asked. You may then also need to stop commenting so much on mutual friends' posts, depending on their privacy settings.
posted by jaguar at 6:43 PM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hide, yes. There should not be any reason you need to then interact with their posts; if you consider it necessary for work, doing it during work time so you're not doing it at home. Set privacy controls on most of your future posts so that your boss can't see them. "Oh, I'm not on Facebook quite as much as I used to be -- it was getting too consuming," if asked. You may then also need to stop commenting so much on mutual friends' posts, depending on their privacy settings.
posted by jaguar at 6:43 PM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Quisp Lover: It's easy, really: simply adopt (while at work) his world view that he's real and you're marginal and insubstantial.
Yep. If you want to live with this situation you have to embrace the narcissism. Just remember:
1. Boss is a perfect god-like creature and you are a mere mortal worm.
2. Everything you do should be considered in terms of how it affects Boss. Your feelings, including your health and safety, don't count. You want a day off because you're sick? How would Boss feel about that? If you spend the day in the ER, Boss gets to be upset about how their day was affected.
3. You should defer to Boss's perfect knowledge of All Things even when you already know the answer to the question. And Boss's answer is always right, even if it's wrong.
4. Accept that Boss will not change, and that any suggestion that they *should* change is wildly inappropriate because they are Perfect and it is you that has the problem.
5. On Facebook, it's your job to make sure nothing you say could ever offend them.
If you can live with that, or pretend to, then you're fine. Basically you need to play a character at work. Your character worships Boss and cares more about their needs than your own.
If you can pull off that level of deception every day without it draining you, then go for it.
I know you don't want this advice, but personally, I'd run for the hills.
posted by mmoncur at 9:56 PM on September 18, 2015
Yep. If you want to live with this situation you have to embrace the narcissism. Just remember:
1. Boss is a perfect god-like creature and you are a mere mortal worm.
2. Everything you do should be considered in terms of how it affects Boss. Your feelings, including your health and safety, don't count. You want a day off because you're sick? How would Boss feel about that? If you spend the day in the ER, Boss gets to be upset about how their day was affected.
3. You should defer to Boss's perfect knowledge of All Things even when you already know the answer to the question. And Boss's answer is always right, even if it's wrong.
4. Accept that Boss will not change, and that any suggestion that they *should* change is wildly inappropriate because they are Perfect and it is you that has the problem.
5. On Facebook, it's your job to make sure nothing you say could ever offend them.
If you can live with that, or pretend to, then you're fine. Basically you need to play a character at work. Your character worships Boss and cares more about their needs than your own.
If you can pull off that level of deception every day without it draining you, then go for it.
I know you don't want this advice, but personally, I'd run for the hills.
posted by mmoncur at 9:56 PM on September 18, 2015
I once worked for a narcissistic boss. I stayed for years because he promised me the moon, career wise. In the end, he tried to have me fired for missing work around my hysterectomy. HR had to get involved and make him back down.
This was after years of believing that, yes, he is Satan, but he will never turn on ME. He did so fast my head spun. I had no hint it was coming. Feeling secure is a mistake with people like this.
It was my first job in my field and I have no reference from him. He is a well known pain in the ass in a very small part of the field, but the rest of it is too big to have ever heard anything negative about him at all. Having no reference is terrifying, having no authorship is embarrassing and both consequences severely impacted my job searches for nearly a decade.
You may enjoy where you work now, but you are seriously risking your future. This isn't even to mention all the risks you're taking with your mental health and your daily quality of life.
I would beg you to start looking now for a position where you will be supported and safe. Life is very short, please don't settle for being bullied.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:33 AM on September 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
This was after years of believing that, yes, he is Satan, but he will never turn on ME. He did so fast my head spun. I had no hint it was coming. Feeling secure is a mistake with people like this.
It was my first job in my field and I have no reference from him. He is a well known pain in the ass in a very small part of the field, but the rest of it is too big to have ever heard anything negative about him at all. Having no reference is terrifying, having no authorship is embarrassing and both consequences severely impacted my job searches for nearly a decade.
You may enjoy where you work now, but you are seriously risking your future. This isn't even to mention all the risks you're taking with your mental health and your daily quality of life.
I would beg you to start looking now for a position where you will be supported and safe. Life is very short, please don't settle for being bullied.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:33 AM on September 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
Ugh. I haven't had a narcissist boss but I did have a narcissist friend and she was so successfully manipulative that it took me a long time to see that pattern of behavior. The only way I've found to deal with it is to completely cut her out of my life, which involved awkward conversations with many mutual friends about that friendship ending, but was absolutely worth it. Part of the problem is that depending on how adept the narcissist is at lying and deception, it may be difficult for others to believe you if you try to explain why that person is an asshole, so I think it's best not to try.
This is all to say I never found any good coping mechanisms. The only thing that helped even a little bit was reminding myself that I am the better person because I have true empathy and honesty and I've never felt compelled to lie about who I am to try to get people's approval. If you are capable of genuinely caring about others and being true to yourself then you are automatically 1000x better than someone like that. I also tried to remind myself that narcissism develops from a place of extreme pain — it's thought to be related to childhood neglect and a deep-seated fear of inadequacy.
I agree with previous commenters that you must assume you cannot change your boss. I spent a lot of wasted emotional effort trying to explain to my narcissist why she was wrong and it was pointless and aggravating.
posted by a strong female character at 8:57 AM on September 19, 2015
This is all to say I never found any good coping mechanisms. The only thing that helped even a little bit was reminding myself that I am the better person because I have true empathy and honesty and I've never felt compelled to lie about who I am to try to get people's approval. If you are capable of genuinely caring about others and being true to yourself then you are automatically 1000x better than someone like that. I also tried to remind myself that narcissism develops from a place of extreme pain — it's thought to be related to childhood neglect and a deep-seated fear of inadequacy.
I agree with previous commenters that you must assume you cannot change your boss. I spent a lot of wasted emotional effort trying to explain to my narcissist why she was wrong and it was pointless and aggravating.
posted by a strong female character at 8:57 AM on September 19, 2015
Youtube is a good resource for this kind of thing. Melanie Tonie Evans and SpartanLifeCoach deal with narcissists and narcissistic abuse. And they both have a list of other youtubers that deal with this subject.
For books I recommend Controlling People by Patricia Evans and in reference to your online friendship I recommend Eyes Wide Open: Avoiding the Heart Break of Emotional Promiscuity by Brienne Murk (although the later is more about Christianity and virginity it contains the best advice for dealing with online communication I've read yet).
However I would ask myself if I were you, am I really doing this for the work, or am I only working to play sociopathic games with a narcissist?
posted by ksaklingon at 11:31 AM on September 19, 2015
For books I recommend Controlling People by Patricia Evans and in reference to your online friendship I recommend Eyes Wide Open: Avoiding the Heart Break of Emotional Promiscuity by Brienne Murk (although the later is more about Christianity and virginity it contains the best advice for dealing with online communication I've read yet).
However I would ask myself if I were you, am I really doing this for the work, or am I only working to play sociopathic games with a narcissist?
posted by ksaklingon at 11:31 AM on September 19, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Honestly, though, you're preemptively shutting down the advice that will help the most. Namely, get a new job at a work environment that is not toxic. Find a boss who isn't a narcissist, or whatever.
If you can't do that, set more boundaries. I know you said you can't do that, but you also said you're forced to interact with this person on social media, but why is that true? Hide them from your news feed on Facebook. Don't respond to their tweets. Even if you don't want to unfriend them, why do you have to interact?
It sounds like you don't want to change anything. If so, okay, but your job won't change. So I guess you could try to just accept the fact that your boss sucks (which means your job sucks, too), and be at peace with that. It's really fucking hard to just accept that shit sucks and continue to have it suck for you and not try to change it, but you can certainly try to keep telling yourself that this is just how things are, this is just work, etc., and keep trying to shrug it off. If you're going to do that, I suggest not complaining to anyone, because you actually need to make yourself not care.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:00 AM on September 18, 2015 [12 favorites]