Know-it-all at my new job.
September 18, 2015 6:27 AM Subscribe
I have issues with controlling my emotions/frustrations and I need your help keeping my cool.
After a lot of searching, I finally made my switch into the film industry and I'm working as a receptionist at a post-production house with a path to becoming a producer. The company is fantastic and all my coworkers are incredibly kind, helpful people. The president is the nicest boss I've ever had and I feel really excited to have such a great opportunity to succeed.
One small issue. A woman here has just transitioned from receptionist to assistant producer. The first day she seemed incredibly friendly and was constantly telling me to ask her questions, let her know if I need help, constantly all day telling me to come to her for anything, no matter how small.
It became very clear the second day, she's incredibly overbearing. She isn't trying to be a bitch, but she's being a bitch. Whenever I ask her for help, she speaks to me like I'm an idiot and as though my question is dumb. She will ask me if I know something, and as I start to tell her I do, she talks over me and spends a LONG time explaining it to me all over again. She actually asked me a question today, and as I started answering she said "Let me finish my sentence!". She is a know-it-all but not in helpful way, more of a boastful, controlling way. She's not my boss but she's acting like it. She was even rude to a higher up in a training session on my second day and made the atmosphere uncomfortable. He did at one point tell her I'm bright and I can pick this stuff up very easily on my own, but when no one is around she's incessant. Anyone can do this job. I'm a receptionist. I've done this before and I'm very good at it. She made me come in early today because she said we needed to have a meeting about a client coming in today. All she did was tell me I have to be nice to them, ask them to take a seat and get the editor. ??? I do that every day, that's my job. She had me come in early simply to say that to me.
I am pretty sure she's acting this way because she isn't at the bottom rung of the ladder anymore and I'm sure it's exciting to be promoted and to be starting your career as a producer. I was very much like this when I was younger so I'm definitely familiar with her behavior. I just haven't been on the receiving end of it before. Now I know how insufferable I was.
I am 30 and starting at the bottom as a receptionist in this industry didn't bother me, but now I have someone much younger than me making me very frustrated. To complicate matters, I have borderline personality disorder and I really struggle with controlling my emotions when I'm frustrated. I am on mood stabilizers and I am fine most of the time but in situations like this I struggle. It may be stupid of me, but being spoken to like this by someone much younger than me seems to be my issue here. If any of the producers/editors/president spoke to me this way I would accept it as part of paying my dues and I would take it on the chin. But someone who was just promoted from doing this position being so obnoxious is making me really stressed out. It's like a never ending power trip and I'm so impatient.
I am so grateful to have this opportunity. I know that this is something that happens and I have to deal with it. I don't need to be informed of that. My illness makes that hard but I've managed to improve all my other issues with perseverance and effort, please help me with this one.
After a lot of searching, I finally made my switch into the film industry and I'm working as a receptionist at a post-production house with a path to becoming a producer. The company is fantastic and all my coworkers are incredibly kind, helpful people. The president is the nicest boss I've ever had and I feel really excited to have such a great opportunity to succeed.
One small issue. A woman here has just transitioned from receptionist to assistant producer. The first day she seemed incredibly friendly and was constantly telling me to ask her questions, let her know if I need help, constantly all day telling me to come to her for anything, no matter how small.
It became very clear the second day, she's incredibly overbearing. She isn't trying to be a bitch, but she's being a bitch. Whenever I ask her for help, she speaks to me like I'm an idiot and as though my question is dumb. She will ask me if I know something, and as I start to tell her I do, she talks over me and spends a LONG time explaining it to me all over again. She actually asked me a question today, and as I started answering she said "Let me finish my sentence!". She is a know-it-all but not in helpful way, more of a boastful, controlling way. She's not my boss but she's acting like it. She was even rude to a higher up in a training session on my second day and made the atmosphere uncomfortable. He did at one point tell her I'm bright and I can pick this stuff up very easily on my own, but when no one is around she's incessant. Anyone can do this job. I'm a receptionist. I've done this before and I'm very good at it. She made me come in early today because she said we needed to have a meeting about a client coming in today. All she did was tell me I have to be nice to them, ask them to take a seat and get the editor. ??? I do that every day, that's my job. She had me come in early simply to say that to me.
I am pretty sure she's acting this way because she isn't at the bottom rung of the ladder anymore and I'm sure it's exciting to be promoted and to be starting your career as a producer. I was very much like this when I was younger so I'm definitely familiar with her behavior. I just haven't been on the receiving end of it before. Now I know how insufferable I was.
I am 30 and starting at the bottom as a receptionist in this industry didn't bother me, but now I have someone much younger than me making me very frustrated. To complicate matters, I have borderline personality disorder and I really struggle with controlling my emotions when I'm frustrated. I am on mood stabilizers and I am fine most of the time but in situations like this I struggle. It may be stupid of me, but being spoken to like this by someone much younger than me seems to be my issue here. If any of the producers/editors/president spoke to me this way I would accept it as part of paying my dues and I would take it on the chin. But someone who was just promoted from doing this position being so obnoxious is making me really stressed out. It's like a never ending power trip and I'm so impatient.
I am so grateful to have this opportunity. I know that this is something that happens and I have to deal with it. I don't need to be informed of that. My illness makes that hard but I've managed to improve all my other issues with perseverance and effort, please help me with this one.
Best answer: It's a difficult one. You have every right to be angry with her behaviour, but to show it would probably be playing into her hands and making an enemy out of her. Blotting out the anger by distracting yourself with a trivial, repetitive task can help. Agreeing with everything she says in a smarmy way can be rather satisfying (I have a annoying coworker who is always trying to start a fight and it stops her in her tracks, because she can't argue with someone who is agreeing with her). Make sure you have a good rant to a friend when you get home. Don't rule out the option of complaining to her superior if you feel she is bullying you or otherwise breaking the rules. Try to minimise contact with her as much as possible.
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:51 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:51 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Seconding intensitymultiply that I take real pleasure in sitting back and letting blowhards be blowhards. When people around you are acting badly, it's usually a really great opportunity for you to grab a lot of righteous high ground. It's nice to have bad behavior make your good behavior look even better, if you know what I mean.
Also, when people are like this, they really aren't thinking about you. You may be a target for her, but you're not the center of her world. She's thinking about how you're an opportunity for her to get on with whatever agenda she has.
So by all means, let her finish her d*** sentences, let her meet with you early to give you unnecessary advice - because although it's frustrating and inconvenient, none of it really has anything to do with you, or your core person, or your professional self; it's no real skin off your back when she does what she does. You're grateful for this opportunity. You're confident in your capacities. You've got her number. More often than not, too, these kinds of personalities dig their own graves eventually (see the training session). Your job is not to get dragged down in the muck while they're doing it.
Meanwhile, recognize and accept that she's got seniority over you, tune out when she's blowharding, and tune back in occasionally to see if you can pick up any useful insights that might accidentally fall out in the bargain.
posted by pinkacademic at 7:00 AM on September 18, 2015 [13 favorites]
Also, when people are like this, they really aren't thinking about you. You may be a target for her, but you're not the center of her world. She's thinking about how you're an opportunity for her to get on with whatever agenda she has.
So by all means, let her finish her d*** sentences, let her meet with you early to give you unnecessary advice - because although it's frustrating and inconvenient, none of it really has anything to do with you, or your core person, or your professional self; it's no real skin off your back when she does what she does. You're grateful for this opportunity. You're confident in your capacities. You've got her number. More often than not, too, these kinds of personalities dig their own graves eventually (see the training session). Your job is not to get dragged down in the muck while they're doing it.
Meanwhile, recognize and accept that she's got seniority over you, tune out when she's blowharding, and tune back in occasionally to see if you can pick up any useful insights that might accidentally fall out in the bargain.
posted by pinkacademic at 7:00 AM on September 18, 2015 [13 favorites]
Right now, nobody knows more about how to get promoted from receptionist to assistant producer at your workplace than she does. Until she does something to actively sabotage you, I'd frame her actions as trying to help.
Her social skills might need work, but bitches get stuff done.
posted by kimberussell at 7:02 AM on September 18, 2015 [12 favorites]
Her social skills might need work, but bitches get stuff done.
posted by kimberussell at 7:02 AM on September 18, 2015 [12 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds to me like this producer is incredibly insecure and anxious about the job. That thing about telling you to come in early for no good reason may be out of line as phatkitten suggests. Don't get into a pattern where you are doing tasks outside of work or unpaid and she starts to count on that! But it also suggests she was very nervous about the meeting and felt the need to bring in extra reinforcement. She asked you to be there; she had already come to rely on you and in that sense you have some power.
As far as the emotional stuff, I think first of all, don't wear yourself out wondering if it's OK to feel like this about her behavior. ("It may be stupid of me...") In my experience, this reinforces any sort of triggery qualities these interactions have. This kind of behavior in the workplace can bring up all kinds of crap you may have from growing up in an abusive home or as the child of an alcoholic or, as you suggest, from your diagnosed illness. I'm not suggesting these people are being abusive, just that the dynamic at work feels out of control in this one respect. So be good to yourself and don't pile a lot of self-criticism on top of all this. In the moment, whenever a stressful interaction happens, just try to manage your stress, whether it be with conscious breathing or repeating some pre-planned phrase. ("I am grateful for this job and I do it extremely well.") Or wear a bracelet that has some meaning to you and look at it to calm yourself. There's a reason why so many men and women are walking around wearing mala beads!
Long term, I think this person is feeling vulnerable and if you can bring yourself to be her ally as RockSteady suggests, she will be very helpful to you in the future.
posted by BibiRose at 7:16 AM on September 18, 2015 [10 favorites]
As far as the emotional stuff, I think first of all, don't wear yourself out wondering if it's OK to feel like this about her behavior. ("It may be stupid of me...") In my experience, this reinforces any sort of triggery qualities these interactions have. This kind of behavior in the workplace can bring up all kinds of crap you may have from growing up in an abusive home or as the child of an alcoholic or, as you suggest, from your diagnosed illness. I'm not suggesting these people are being abusive, just that the dynamic at work feels out of control in this one respect. So be good to yourself and don't pile a lot of self-criticism on top of all this. In the moment, whenever a stressful interaction happens, just try to manage your stress, whether it be with conscious breathing or repeating some pre-planned phrase. ("I am grateful for this job and I do it extremely well.") Or wear a bracelet that has some meaning to you and look at it to calm yourself. There's a reason why so many men and women are walking around wearing mala beads!
Long term, I think this person is feeling vulnerable and if you can bring yourself to be her ally as RockSteady suggests, she will be very helpful to you in the future.
posted by BibiRose at 7:16 AM on September 18, 2015 [10 favorites]
Others have given good advice on handling her. To handle the situation emotionally I think you need to reframe the problem. You said you were OK with paying your dues, she's your dues. She is your dues. The film industry is going to be full of blow hards & also a hell of a lot of people higher up than you that are younger than you. She is your learning experience to handle these people I imagine a receptionist isn't going to have a lot of direct contact with the super high bosses, she's the person you want promoted so you can get her job.
I also get the impression you also haven't been there very long, you say you know how to do your job, that's great, but no one there knows this if you haven't had much of a chance to show them. If she got promoted recently from your position to where she is, you job & how to do it is the only thing she is probably sure she knows how to do right now. I'm also sure she knows you want her job. Give her time to find her feet in her new position, show her you've got her back & do your job as well as you can. If she's a blowhard she'll hang herself out to dry & the higher ups will notice your people handling skills & your professionalism.
posted by wwax at 7:32 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I also get the impression you also haven't been there very long, you say you know how to do your job, that's great, but no one there knows this if you haven't had much of a chance to show them. If she got promoted recently from your position to where she is, you job & how to do it is the only thing she is probably sure she knows how to do right now. I'm also sure she knows you want her job. Give her time to find her feet in her new position, show her you've got her back & do your job as well as you can. If she's a blowhard she'll hang herself out to dry & the higher ups will notice your people handling skills & your professionalism.
posted by wwax at 7:32 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You might try to intellectualize it. Label her eagerness, insecurity, and desire for control as irritating "young pup" ignorance, and try to be patient and detached. When you find her most irritating, picture her as an eight-year-old girl standing there wearing grown-up clothes and trying to feel VERY NECESSARY AND IMPORTANT, while she is obnoxiously telling you to be nice to clients and giving you "tips" that you have known for years.
Kids go through those phases where they are the most horrible know-it-alls. Adults understand it's a phase and kids are delicate growing things that can be hurt, so we try to humor them and abide/ignore their bossiness, correct them gently when they get it all wrong in important ways, and then bite our tongues to bleeding to avoid crowing "I told you so!" when they spew rainbow-colored vomit all over the backseat of the car.
I think those phases come and go well into adulthood for most of us, as you acknowledged for yourself. Some people get stuck there. Maybe this coworker is a permanent know-it-all, or maybe she is just waiting for the next big wave of "you don't know jack" to help her mature past it.
You will likely see her get bowled over by that wave, so there's another image to keep in mind while your patience is being tested. When it happens, you might even feel a little sympathy along with some (well-earned) smug satisfaction.
(Also, forgive yourself if you are peevish despite your best efforts. I wouldn't be surprised to learn the Dalai Lama gets annoyed with know-it-all monks.)
posted by hiker U. at 7:41 AM on September 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
Kids go through those phases where they are the most horrible know-it-alls. Adults understand it's a phase and kids are delicate growing things that can be hurt, so we try to humor them and abide/ignore their bossiness, correct them gently when they get it all wrong in important ways, and then bite our tongues to bleeding to avoid crowing "I told you so!" when they spew rainbow-colored vomit all over the backseat of the car.
I think those phases come and go well into adulthood for most of us, as you acknowledged for yourself. Some people get stuck there. Maybe this coworker is a permanent know-it-all, or maybe she is just waiting for the next big wave of "you don't know jack" to help her mature past it.
You will likely see her get bowled over by that wave, so there's another image to keep in mind while your patience is being tested. When it happens, you might even feel a little sympathy along with some (well-earned) smug satisfaction.
(Also, forgive yourself if you are peevish despite your best efforts. I wouldn't be surprised to learn the Dalai Lama gets annoyed with know-it-all monks.)
posted by hiker U. at 7:41 AM on September 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: See if it helps to see her playing a role. Her role is "newly promoted producer who's trying to find her feet and feeling very insecure." You have a role, too: it's "recent transplant to the industry, who's getting the number of all the characters in this weird new business."
Also, because of her career path, everything she does is a learning opportunity for you: some of the stuff you will want to copy; some of it you will want to actively avoid. See if it's easier to handle when you think of it as free training for you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:43 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also, because of her career path, everything she does is a learning opportunity for you: some of the stuff you will want to copy; some of it you will want to actively avoid. See if it's easier to handle when you think of it as free training for you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:43 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: When someone really rubs me the wrong way, I find it helpful to remember that everyone around me almost certainly finds the person just as annoying as I do. You've already seen her being rude to a higher up. You can be pretty sure her behavior is being noticed and it isn't helping her. Think of her as the annoying person that no one likes, because that's probably the reality. You, on the other hand, have the opportunity to be the bright new person who learns fast and takes everything in stride, even this hard-to-deal with person. Every time she acts like a bitch to you around other people, remember that she's making herself look bad, while you, if you hold your temper, will be making yourself look good. When other people aren't around, just think of your interactions with her as practice for the times when you'll have the chance to impress others with the way you stay calm in the face of annoyance.
posted by Redstart at 7:43 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 7:43 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: This sounds so frustrating and I'm sorry you're facing this stress. As in most things, unfortunately, you're probably not going to be able to change her behavior. You do have the power, though, to give yourself some tools to change your reaction. You mention you have a BPD diagnosis, and that you are on medication. You might find that some of the techniques in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy would be really helpful as well. They focus on building mindfulness and also building some space to think of situations like this as being shades of grey rather than all black and white. So for example, if she asks you to come in early for a meeting, yes frustrating, but it might not be only that she's doing it as a power play. Maybe she's nervous that she can't handle her new role and is doing everything in her power to make sure she's not messing up.
One of the first skills is learning to recognize when you are judging an experience rather than just mindfully observing the experience. The judging component, attaching a negative or even positive meaning to the experience, leaves you open for having some intense emotions around it. Just neutrally observing it gives you a little more control over the emotional response. This book may be a helpful resource.
posted by goggie at 7:49 AM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
One of the first skills is learning to recognize when you are judging an experience rather than just mindfully observing the experience. The judging component, attaching a negative or even positive meaning to the experience, leaves you open for having some intense emotions around it. Just neutrally observing it gives you a little more control over the emotional response. This book may be a helpful resource.
posted by goggie at 7:49 AM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much everyone for such practical advice.
She isn't my superior no. And you're absolutely right that I'm hourly and should be careful about her influencing my hours. Any overtime has to be tied to a job/client and must be approved by a producer.
I'm lucky that I'm not in a big office and I have a lot of contact with the president who is an amazing woman. I'm actually meeting with her today to see how things are going. In the two weeks before I started my job here I went back to England to visit my family. My mother has cancer and we were told she was dying (too long a story to tell but she has had successful life saving surgery). My boss knows all this and has been incredible so I know she's definitely looking out for my best interests and is there for me if I have concerns. I don't want to go to anyone about this because I think it's best to only be seen in a positive light.
Thinking of her as a know it all little girl for some reason is really working in my mind. I am so grateful for the suggestion!
goggie, I haven't been able to see a DBT therapist for my BPD as I can't afford it and the cheaper options I've found just don't fit into my work schedule.
But I have done a lot of work myself on recognizing and changing negative behaviors and I'm vastly different to the person I used to be. I just need help sometimes finding the right angle. I just need to make sense of things in my head.
But I have been meaning to start studying my mindfulness/DBT books. I was in an all out toxic work environment up until recently and I wanted to wait for a more emotionally stable time to start working hard on those skills. I will look into that book once I've delved into my other books.
I really appreciate your kindness and it does to help to be told I shouldn't beat myself up about it. I'm not good at that so thanks for the reminder. It has been a really rough few weeks and I'm trying to be positive.
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:06 AM on September 18, 2015
She isn't my superior no. And you're absolutely right that I'm hourly and should be careful about her influencing my hours. Any overtime has to be tied to a job/client and must be approved by a producer.
I'm lucky that I'm not in a big office and I have a lot of contact with the president who is an amazing woman. I'm actually meeting with her today to see how things are going. In the two weeks before I started my job here I went back to England to visit my family. My mother has cancer and we were told she was dying (too long a story to tell but she has had successful life saving surgery). My boss knows all this and has been incredible so I know she's definitely looking out for my best interests and is there for me if I have concerns. I don't want to go to anyone about this because I think it's best to only be seen in a positive light.
Thinking of her as a know it all little girl for some reason is really working in my mind. I am so grateful for the suggestion!
goggie, I haven't been able to see a DBT therapist for my BPD as I can't afford it and the cheaper options I've found just don't fit into my work schedule.
But I have done a lot of work myself on recognizing and changing negative behaviors and I'm vastly different to the person I used to be. I just need help sometimes finding the right angle. I just need to make sense of things in my head.
But I have been meaning to start studying my mindfulness/DBT books. I was in an all out toxic work environment up until recently and I wanted to wait for a more emotionally stable time to start working hard on those skills. I will look into that book once I've delved into my other books.
I really appreciate your kindness and it does to help to be told I shouldn't beat myself up about it. I'm not good at that so thanks for the reminder. It has been a really rough few weeks and I'm trying to be positive.
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:06 AM on September 18, 2015
Best answer: The other people at the company are probably aware of how she is. Don't take it personally. Do what you can to treat her with respect, and don't get defensive or indignant or argue when she treats you like an idiot. Just let her say her thing and calmly say "Thanks," or "Okay, I'll do that" or some other appropriate response that doesn't make her think she needs to explain things even further.
For whatever reason, she doesn't feel like she can trust you yet, and she wants to know she has the right support while she does her job. Hopefully, as you get to know each other better, this will smooth out.
There are some people who seem to think they need to boss everyone around or nothing will get done. Just do your best, try to grow a thicker skin, and hopefully she'll come to understand that you are competent and don't need your hand held through everything. If she seems to be getting out of control with asking you to come in early for no good reason, you might as well ask your boss how to deal with that.
posted by wondermouse at 8:10 AM on September 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
For whatever reason, she doesn't feel like she can trust you yet, and she wants to know she has the right support while she does her job. Hopefully, as you get to know each other better, this will smooth out.
There are some people who seem to think they need to boss everyone around or nothing will get done. Just do your best, try to grow a thicker skin, and hopefully she'll come to understand that you are competent and don't need your hand held through everything. If she seems to be getting out of control with asking you to come in early for no good reason, you might as well ask your boss how to deal with that.
posted by wondermouse at 8:10 AM on September 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If this kid is so over-the-top condescending towards you that higher-ups not only notice this, but feel compelled to comment on it during a meeting, I think it might be worth discussing with your boss. I'm not sure about talking about your feelings about it, but an oblique way of getting at it might be to mention the fact that you were asked to come in early, and you'd like to know how to respond to that kind of request in future, re billing for hours. If your boss is kind and intuitive (sounds like it?), and has witnessed any of the overbearing behaviour, she'll get the message and will hopefully take some kind of action on your behalf, or at least offer advice.
I don't think the kid will ever assume you're competent, not because of anything to do with you, but because of her aching ambition/insecurity.
Help her out with reasonable requests; be firm about others. Avoid asking her for help if there's another way to get the answer. If you have to ask her for anything, be very precise about the thing you need information on, and frame the request in an authoritative way ("I need to know Specific Thing X" vs. "What is x?".) This might not have any effect on her behaviour, but it might help you feel more in control of interactions.
Otherwise, yeah, think of her as an annoying puppy/person in your professional network. (Although she doesn't sound like someone who'll help you out in future, she might be into it if it makes her look good.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:58 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't think the kid will ever assume you're competent, not because of anything to do with you, but because of her aching ambition/insecurity.
Help her out with reasonable requests; be firm about others. Avoid asking her for help if there's another way to get the answer. If you have to ask her for anything, be very precise about the thing you need information on, and frame the request in an authoritative way ("I need to know Specific Thing X" vs. "What is x?".) This might not have any effect on her behaviour, but it might help you feel more in control of interactions.
Otherwise, yeah, think of her as an annoying puppy/person in your professional network. (Although she doesn't sound like someone who'll help you out in future, she might be into it if it makes her look good.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:58 AM on September 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I wonder how different your response would be if this person was a man. I find the suggestions to view her as a 'know it all little girl' and 'annoying puppy' to be sexist and infantalizing. I would view her as a person who is committed to moving up the ladder, and sometimes for women that can be viewed as abrasive and controlling and 'above her station' in ways that would never apply to a man who was expressing the same vibe and acting in the same way.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 9:38 AM on September 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 9:38 AM on September 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
You mentioned that she's much younger. Maybe this was her first job, at least in the industry. When she's trying to tell you things, those are probably things that no one told her and she had to figure out the hard way. She probably really does think she's doing you some sort of favor.
It might be helpful to invite her to lunch (or just a coffee break), and find a way to nicely give her your verbal resume. All about those couple of receptionist jobs you've already had, and how you worked your way up. And how comfortable you are in your new position, and you're looking forward to paying your dues and working your way up again. Who knows, once she gets a little more time under her belt and her insecurity dies down, she may become one of your biggest allies as you work your way up.
posted by vignettist at 10:05 AM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
It might be helpful to invite her to lunch (or just a coffee break), and find a way to nicely give her your verbal resume. All about those couple of receptionist jobs you've already had, and how you worked your way up. And how comfortable you are in your new position, and you're looking forward to paying your dues and working your way up again. Who knows, once she gets a little more time under her belt and her insecurity dies down, she may become one of your biggest allies as you work your way up.
posted by vignettist at 10:05 AM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
One of my favorite pieces of advice, ever, on how do deal with someone with whom you have a rocky or fraught relationship is from Ben Franklin. He had an anecdote that went along with it by way of illustration but the jist is that there's no better way to make an enemy into an ally than by indebting yourself to them. Franklin asked the gentleman if he could borrow a book, and made much of what a favor it would be. Thereafter the relationship was much smoother, less prickly and less in the way of what Franklin himself wanted to be able to accomplish.
So: consider ways in which you can arrange to have her do you a favor. Make it easy for her, but be clear that it's kind of a big deal for you. Thank her. Offer to return the favor at some later date.
I've had pretty good luck with this. It makes you look gracious, it makes them feel gracious, and you're the locus of that feeling.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 11:26 AM on September 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
So: consider ways in which you can arrange to have her do you a favor. Make it easy for her, but be clear that it's kind of a big deal for you. Thank her. Offer to return the favor at some later date.
I've had pretty good luck with this. It makes you look gracious, it makes them feel gracious, and you're the locus of that feeling.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 11:26 AM on September 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
We have someone like this where I work. She is incredibly condescending, saying things like "do... you... under... stand?", even when it's something you just explained to her. She has alienated everyone and no one wants to deal with her. I figure that when her consultant buddies who are helping her out leave she will be left high and dry. Until that day, I stay far, far away, and get help when I need it from anyone else.
posted by jenh526 at 12:07 PM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jenh526 at 12:07 PM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's possible to be driven and thorough and not act like a total dick to the people who support you. This person is acting like a total dick, regardless of her gender or age (although it does often correlate with ambition + youth). Out of insecurity, probably, maybe for other reasons, who knows. Framing her as an annoying puppy will make it possible to tolerate her & approach her with an attitude of generosity.
Consistently having her back will probably help some, agree with that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:29 PM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Consistently having her back will probably help some, agree with that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:29 PM on September 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: thegreatfleecircus if you had read my question thoroughly you would see I clearly understand why she is being the way she is. And as a woman myself, I'm very well aware of misogyny. I'm not sure why you're making this about gender rather than her behavior but it's not helpful. I find it really unhelpful to have my legitimate feelings swept aside because you want to see this as sexism.
Thanks so much for more helpful answers. You've really made me see her less as an annoying non-entity, and more as a person. I have real issues with that when I'm getting angry at someone. Like I said above, I just need to find an angle and I kind of snap out of being overwhelmed by my feelings and start feeling more calm. I feel so much better today and I'm trying to put your help into practice. You've really made me feel better.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:57 PM on September 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Thanks so much for more helpful answers. You've really made me see her less as an annoying non-entity, and more as a person. I have real issues with that when I'm getting angry at someone. Like I said above, I just need to find an angle and I kind of snap out of being overwhelmed by my feelings and start feeling more calm. I feel so much better today and I'm trying to put your help into practice. You've really made me feel better.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:57 PM on September 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah, don't worry, you don't seem sexist. I imagine if this were a male, you'd refer to him as a little boy instead and that would be the difference. The person who does this to me at my own job is male and I feel very much the same way you do. (Luckily everyone hates him, so it's not completely okay if I interrupt his unhelpful condescension with a dismissive "THANK YOU, JAY," and then go back to whatever I was doing. Eventually this may be able to happen for you if you learn you'll never get in trouble for it. It feels great.)
Anyway, definitely let your boss know and frame it as a question about billable hours. This lady may not have the authority to ask you to come in to work early and this sort of overstepping needs to be nipped in the bud. I've paid my dues and all, but I've learned to draw the line at kowtowing to random people who aren't my supervisors because they usually take it as a sign that you are so submissive you'll do anything for approval and will go insane with power.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 10:14 AM on September 19, 2015
Anyway, definitely let your boss know and frame it as a question about billable hours. This lady may not have the authority to ask you to come in to work early and this sort of overstepping needs to be nipped in the bud. I've paid my dues and all, but I've learned to draw the line at kowtowing to random people who aren't my supervisors because they usually take it as a sign that you are so submissive you'll do anything for approval and will go insane with power.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 10:14 AM on September 19, 2015
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shesbenevolent: "It may be stupid of me, but being spoken to like this by someone much younger than me seems to be my issue here. If any of the producers/editors/president spoke to me this way I would accept it as part of paying my dues and I would take it on the chin."
She may not be your boss, but she is senior to you, and it seems to me you owe her the same patience you would accord to any senior coworker. Personally, I've found the best way to get people to quit this kind of behavior is to go out of your way to make them look good to their bosses. Once they realize you are on their side and are not looking to throw them under the bus, they stop being so condescending and controlling.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:37 AM on September 18, 2015 [12 favorites]