As a young adult should I cut all financial ties with my parents now?
September 17, 2015 10:12 AM Subscribe
My well-intentioned mother keeps trying to help me financially and it's causing problems.
From my perspective, this is about control with my mother and her needing to feel as though I still need her (which obviously I do, but I'd rather not need her financially). From her perspective, she just wants to make sure I'm set up well for my future now.
I have been living abroad for a year and have recently returned. Despite having a job (albeit that didn't pay all that well but was very rewarding in other aspects), she would sometimes send me money in the post. Now that I've recently moved back home I'm living with her until I get a good job and can afford to move into the nearby city (she lives in a town which is fine, but nothing happens here and all of my friends live in the city). She'll say things like "I think we should sit down and discuss your future" and I get really defensive and tell her that my future is my business and I'm figuring it out. I am still working part time, cook meals and do housework in return for living at home for a few months. I'm applying for jobs daily.
Now, she wants to pay for driving lessons. I have passed my test already but using an automatic car because my left foot was injured. She thinks it would be better for me to be able to drive in a manual car long-term (cheaper) and has offered to pay for lessons for a few months. Once I have done this, she would give me her car. Initially, I resent this kind offer as it again puts me at the mercy of her financial help which I do not feel good about. Also - do I even want the responsibility of a car while living in a city full of other transport methods right now? On the other hand, it's slightly temping because I probably won't have as much time to do this once I'm working full time again, but it keeps coming back to not being completely financially independent.
From my perspective, this is about control with my mother and her needing to feel as though I still need her (which obviously I do, but I'd rather not need her financially). From her perspective, she just wants to make sure I'm set up well for my future now.
I have been living abroad for a year and have recently returned. Despite having a job (albeit that didn't pay all that well but was very rewarding in other aspects), she would sometimes send me money in the post. Now that I've recently moved back home I'm living with her until I get a good job and can afford to move into the nearby city (she lives in a town which is fine, but nothing happens here and all of my friends live in the city). She'll say things like "I think we should sit down and discuss your future" and I get really defensive and tell her that my future is my business and I'm figuring it out. I am still working part time, cook meals and do housework in return for living at home for a few months. I'm applying for jobs daily.
Now, she wants to pay for driving lessons. I have passed my test already but using an automatic car because my left foot was injured. She thinks it would be better for me to be able to drive in a manual car long-term (cheaper) and has offered to pay for lessons for a few months. Once I have done this, she would give me her car. Initially, I resent this kind offer as it again puts me at the mercy of her financial help which I do not feel good about. Also - do I even want the responsibility of a car while living in a city full of other transport methods right now? On the other hand, it's slightly temping because I probably won't have as much time to do this once I'm working full time again, but it keeps coming back to not being completely financially independent.
It sounds like you're frustrated at not being financially independent quite yet, and your mother's generosity keeps reminding you of it. That makes sense, but it doesn't sound like your mother's generosity is causing your lack of dependence in any direct way, and I don't see how it amounts to control either. Her rationale for why you should learn to drive stick is iffy, but nevertheless it would be a good thing to know how to do, even if you were to decline her offer of a free car.
You're dependent on her because you live with her and don't have an income sufficient to live on. You're already working to change that, right? The driving lessons are irrelevant.
posted by jon1270 at 10:23 AM on September 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
You're dependent on her because you live with her and don't have an income sufficient to live on. You're already working to change that, right? The driving lessons are irrelevant.
posted by jon1270 at 10:23 AM on September 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
I am your mother. Please just humor me. I want to know - I *need* to know - that I have done all I can for you. I respect you enough to know that you will make good choices in the end. But I have to throw my own life-lessons into the mix so you have that knowledge too, when you choose.
I believe in you more than you do, trust me. But right now, you don't have money or what you consider a good job and you are living with me. So as a consequence of living with me you're just going to have to listen to me talk. That's your rent payment.
So please listen with patience and respect. Ask questions, even. (How did you come to believe that, mom?) In good faith. Don't challenge me, this isn't the time. I am imparting some hard-earned wisdom here. You're welcome.
And here's the irony. You'll appreciate this irony later, with some maturity and distance. But for now, I'll tell you: Once I am satisfied that you have heard me, really listened to me, I'll stop offering advice. As long as you continue to push back against my my attempts to play my role (I am your mother after all), I will continue to believe that you need me to play that role! Listen to your mother and she'll stop talking. It's counter-intuitive, I know, but trust me on this.
posted by headnsouth at 10:23 AM on September 17, 2015 [55 favorites]
I believe in you more than you do, trust me. But right now, you don't have money or what you consider a good job and you are living with me. So as a consequence of living with me you're just going to have to listen to me talk. That's your rent payment.
So please listen with patience and respect. Ask questions, even. (How did you come to believe that, mom?) In good faith. Don't challenge me, this isn't the time. I am imparting some hard-earned wisdom here. You're welcome.
And here's the irony. You'll appreciate this irony later, with some maturity and distance. But for now, I'll tell you: Once I am satisfied that you have heard me, really listened to me, I'll stop offering advice. As long as you continue to push back against my my attempts to play my role (I am your mother after all), I will continue to believe that you need me to play that role! Listen to your mother and she'll stop talking. It's counter-intuitive, I know, but trust me on this.
posted by headnsouth at 10:23 AM on September 17, 2015 [55 favorites]
There's in my opinion two sorts of parents who offer financial gifts like this to their kids: the ones who do it out of the goodness of their heart and desire to see their child thrive and give the gifts no strings attached, and the ones who attach enough strings to it to run a fucking marionette show. I grew up in an environment where every "favor" or "gift" from particular family members would be remembered forever and summoned up as a reason for me to later give to them what they want because of this "gift" they gave me prior. So from that family member I would never accept an offer like this, or any other offer to put me back on my feet or whatever because I knew I'd have to pay it back tenfold, emotionally and it was never, ever worth it.
So it's up to you to be honest with yourself regarding the relationship between you, your mom, and money. Is she doing this for a "thanks mom" or is she putting money in the favor/guilt bank?
posted by griphus at 10:24 AM on September 17, 2015 [42 favorites]
So it's up to you to be honest with yourself regarding the relationship between you, your mom, and money. Is she doing this for a "thanks mom" or is she putting money in the favor/guilt bank?
posted by griphus at 10:24 AM on September 17, 2015 [42 favorites]
Are you asking if you should immediately move out of your parents house with no income just so you don't have to put up with your mother occasionally, in a low pressure way, treating you like a financially dependant child? That sounds like an excellent way to convince her that you're not that grown up.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 10:26 AM on September 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 10:26 AM on September 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
My family was the second type griphus describes; my read on this, colored by my background, is that she wants to give you the car so you have no excuse not to come see her frequently once you move out to the city.
posted by stellaluna at 10:39 AM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by stellaluna at 10:39 AM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do I feel that while you live with her you pretty much are in fact dependent on her: yes. It sucks, but if I were in your shoes I would attempt to swallow my pride and accept her help with the goal of getting out of there faster.
Do I think that this well intentioned breathing down your neck will stop once you're no longer financially dependent, as is suggested above: no. But the real value, to me, of being financially independent is I can ignore it as much as I want. That is worth putting up with a ton of nonsense until you get there, and getting driving lessons instead of being hassled about driving lessons is not that bad, in the grand scheme of things. She could be demanding to go over your job applications!
posted by Xany at 10:40 AM on September 17, 2015
Do I think that this well intentioned breathing down your neck will stop once you're no longer financially dependent, as is suggested above: no. But the real value, to me, of being financially independent is I can ignore it as much as I want. That is worth putting up with a ton of nonsense until you get there, and getting driving lessons instead of being hassled about driving lessons is not that bad, in the grand scheme of things. She could be demanding to go over your job applications!
posted by Xany at 10:40 AM on September 17, 2015
Disclaimer: I am a Mom; I am not your Mom. My Mom often used money as an incentive or to outright control her kids, but sometimes she was genuinely generous. She was also a Holy Terror and pretty smart. So, accept actual gifts while you are clear about making your own way in the world. And try to listen to her. You are in control of your life, but she may have useful information.
posted by theora55 at 10:43 AM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 10:43 AM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's in my opinion two sorts of parents who offer financial gifts like this to their kids: the ones who do it out of the goodness of their heart and desire to see their child thrive and give the gifts no strings attached, and the ones who attach enough strings to it to run a fucking marionette show.
I grew up in a house where such help was absolutely no strings attached, but I have talked to a lot of people from marionette households, and I really do think that's the main crux of the issue here. From the no-strings perspective, it sounds like your mother's actually trying to help you become more independent (learning new skills, having transportation, helping you with job-planning); from the marionette perspective, she's trying to get you endebted to her. I think you should think about whether the strings are really there because your mother wants you to be dependent, or if you're projecting the strings because you feel dependent and don't want to feel dependent.
From the info you've given, I think either version could be the reality, and as none of us know you or your mother, most of our answers are going to be projections.
posted by jaguar at 10:46 AM on September 17, 2015 [20 favorites]
I grew up in a house where such help was absolutely no strings attached, but I have talked to a lot of people from marionette households, and I really do think that's the main crux of the issue here. From the no-strings perspective, it sounds like your mother's actually trying to help you become more independent (learning new skills, having transportation, helping you with job-planning); from the marionette perspective, she's trying to get you endebted to her. I think you should think about whether the strings are really there because your mother wants you to be dependent, or if you're projecting the strings because you feel dependent and don't want to feel dependent.
From the info you've given, I think either version could be the reality, and as none of us know you or your mother, most of our answers are going to be projections.
posted by jaguar at 10:46 AM on September 17, 2015 [20 favorites]
She'll say things like "I think we should sit down and discuss your future" and I get really defensive and tell her that my future is my business and I'm figuring it out.
In answer to your question, I would say no, don't cut all financial ties with your mother. It's my observation that many people - and probably most people whose families can afford it - accept a great deal of help from their parents not only in their twenties, but throughout their entire lives. In many ways, it's what families are set up to do: help ensure the survival and thriving of the people within them. If your parents have these extra resources to lend, it is likely they view this as your job. Where did your idea that you need to be totally financially independent from them come from?
I am coming from somewhat the opposite view. My parents were very good and have helped me a lot, assisting me with paying for college expenses and sending pocket money and bailing me out of a bad spot here and there with a big vet bill or car repair. At the same time, I did not receive a car - I had to earn the money to buy my first car at age 26 - and I did not receive large regular gifts or funds to buy furniture for my first apartment or assistance with regular expenses. And I know that many people did. I am more than thrilled with what my parents were generously able to share with me, but I also know, because I have heard them say it, that they wish they were in a position to have given more. And had they been, it would have been far easier for me to get onto my own, stronger financial footing eventually, because gifts like a car are real investments in your ability to choose the work you want and in allowing the money that would otherwise go toward this important purchase (in most places) to instead form a rainy-day fund or help secure an apartment or many other useful places. When you are starting out without this kind of early investment and assistance, everything afterward becomes a more uphill climb.
So I'd say take the help. And stay open to taking help - and giving help - for the rest of your life, when you need it, or she needs it. If it makes you uncomfortable, or makes you feel like a child or immature, I think you could explore that and why you feel that way. As others have said, I can't read in the behavior you have described here an inappropriate degree of enmeshment or support-with-strings. But I also think that many, many people view this kind of help, gratefully, as their parents trying to give them the best possible start in adult life - and many of us who didn't have it wish we did.
posted by Miko at 10:46 AM on September 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
In answer to your question, I would say no, don't cut all financial ties with your mother. It's my observation that many people - and probably most people whose families can afford it - accept a great deal of help from their parents not only in their twenties, but throughout their entire lives. In many ways, it's what families are set up to do: help ensure the survival and thriving of the people within them. If your parents have these extra resources to lend, it is likely they view this as your job. Where did your idea that you need to be totally financially independent from them come from?
I am coming from somewhat the opposite view. My parents were very good and have helped me a lot, assisting me with paying for college expenses and sending pocket money and bailing me out of a bad spot here and there with a big vet bill or car repair. At the same time, I did not receive a car - I had to earn the money to buy my first car at age 26 - and I did not receive large regular gifts or funds to buy furniture for my first apartment or assistance with regular expenses. And I know that many people did. I am more than thrilled with what my parents were generously able to share with me, but I also know, because I have heard them say it, that they wish they were in a position to have given more. And had they been, it would have been far easier for me to get onto my own, stronger financial footing eventually, because gifts like a car are real investments in your ability to choose the work you want and in allowing the money that would otherwise go toward this important purchase (in most places) to instead form a rainy-day fund or help secure an apartment or many other useful places. When you are starting out without this kind of early investment and assistance, everything afterward becomes a more uphill climb.
So I'd say take the help. And stay open to taking help - and giving help - for the rest of your life, when you need it, or she needs it. If it makes you uncomfortable, or makes you feel like a child or immature, I think you could explore that and why you feel that way. As others have said, I can't read in the behavior you have described here an inappropriate degree of enmeshment or support-with-strings. But I also think that many, many people view this kind of help, gratefully, as their parents trying to give them the best possible start in adult life - and many of us who didn't have it wish we did.
posted by Miko at 10:46 AM on September 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
When she offers something that you don't want, refuse it but suggest something that you do want/need. This way, you get the benefit of whatever thing it is that you want/need and she gets to feel like she's helping.
If she's trying to force you into accepting something that you don't want/need and actually isn't that helpful, then that's different. For example, if she's got it into her head that you're going to accept her paying for driving lessons and then going to get her car, whether or not you want that, then just refuse it. It's always OK to say no. If your mom can't deal with the fact that you're an adult and have the right to say no and set boundaries, that's her problem.
On the other hand, if you do actually want driving lessons, then say yes please when she offers.
I learned my lesson with my mom doing stuff like this. I was in a supermarket with her, and happened to pick up a tube of toothpaste. I don't even recall why, now. Perhaps the packaging was pretty or something? Anyway, I put it back and wandered off. She noticed, and started buying that specific toothpaste just for me, even though I don't actually care for the flavour or the fact it foams so much. I had to say several times that I was nearly vomiting when I used it before she stopped buying it. Mom's don't always know best.
Ultimately, you need to get your own place. Parents get a bit weird about their children becoming independent adults - they spend so many years training their child to be an adult they can't switch off when the child actually grows up. If you're living with her, you're still in the role of child in her eyes. She's unlikely to snap out of this state while you're living with her, and will likely find it difficult even after that. Learning to say no will save you many years of stress. She'll still push, but you'll be able to push back.
posted by Solomon at 10:47 AM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
If she's trying to force you into accepting something that you don't want/need and actually isn't that helpful, then that's different. For example, if she's got it into her head that you're going to accept her paying for driving lessons and then going to get her car, whether or not you want that, then just refuse it. It's always OK to say no. If your mom can't deal with the fact that you're an adult and have the right to say no and set boundaries, that's her problem.
On the other hand, if you do actually want driving lessons, then say yes please when she offers.
I learned my lesson with my mom doing stuff like this. I was in a supermarket with her, and happened to pick up a tube of toothpaste. I don't even recall why, now. Perhaps the packaging was pretty or something? Anyway, I put it back and wandered off. She noticed, and started buying that specific toothpaste just for me, even though I don't actually care for the flavour or the fact it foams so much. I had to say several times that I was nearly vomiting when I used it before she stopped buying it. Mom's don't always know best.
Ultimately, you need to get your own place. Parents get a bit weird about their children becoming independent adults - they spend so many years training their child to be an adult they can't switch off when the child actually grows up. If you're living with her, you're still in the role of child in her eyes. She's unlikely to snap out of this state while you're living with her, and will likely find it difficult even after that. Learning to say no will save you many years of stress. She'll still push, but you'll be able to push back.
posted by Solomon at 10:47 AM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
My relationship with my parents, although not perfect, improved immeasurably once I was able to be financially independent. One of the major reasons I am happy to be in my thirties rather than my early twenties is this independence.
I don't think that will be easy to do until you move out, but you're making a plan for that. Keep applying for jobs, be sure you're adequately assessing the range of jobs you apply for (you don't need the perfect job; you do need one that pays money and won't make you so miserable you quit). Consider if you'd rather compromise on housing (roommates?) in order to move up your move-out date.
I don't know your mom, so I can't tell you what she wants to talk about re:your future- but it could even be that she too wants you to move out and wants to help with you doing that. Or it could be that she wants to define your life her way.
Personally, I think you should make a plan for your short-term future- now until you move out. What will you do if you don't have a job by December?
Make the plan for yourself first. Then, if you want, you can say "hey mom I have a plan" the next time she asks about your future. And you can tell her as much of the detail as you want, or as little. You can even say nothing at all and just privately know that you have a plan for independence and you are working towards it. I think having the plan in your own mind will help you handle her inquiries better, however you choose to do so. (And whatever the plan is).
posted by nat at 10:47 AM on September 17, 2015
I don't think that will be easy to do until you move out, but you're making a plan for that. Keep applying for jobs, be sure you're adequately assessing the range of jobs you apply for (you don't need the perfect job; you do need one that pays money and won't make you so miserable you quit). Consider if you'd rather compromise on housing (roommates?) in order to move up your move-out date.
I don't know your mom, so I can't tell you what she wants to talk about re:your future- but it could even be that she too wants you to move out and wants to help with you doing that. Or it could be that she wants to define your life her way.
Personally, I think you should make a plan for your short-term future- now until you move out. What will you do if you don't have a job by December?
Make the plan for yourself first. Then, if you want, you can say "hey mom I have a plan" the next time she asks about your future. And you can tell her as much of the detail as you want, or as little. You can even say nothing at all and just privately know that you have a plan for independence and you are working towards it. I think having the plan in your own mind will help you handle her inquiries better, however you choose to do so. (And whatever the plan is).
posted by nat at 10:47 AM on September 17, 2015
So there is what griphus brought up above. If the guilt debt is a consideration, you might want to be very careful about which gifts you accept. I have one such parent whose "gifts" (not just monetary) I began to refuse for my own sanity, when I was in high school. He eventually told me that I was "too independent"-- I was in my 30s!
But... you've said nothing that contributes to that impression. Instead you kinda sound petulant. Maybe if you sat down and discussed your plans, your mom would understand why you won't need her manual car in the city, and you can come up with some other way she can contribute? Being able to drive a stick would be pretty awesome though... it's the kind of thing I would have accepted (as paid lessons from a professional), even from the parent mentioned above.
posted by zennie at 10:52 AM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
But... you've said nothing that contributes to that impression. Instead you kinda sound petulant. Maybe if you sat down and discussed your plans, your mom would understand why you won't need her manual car in the city, and you can come up with some other way she can contribute? Being able to drive a stick would be pretty awesome though... it's the kind of thing I would have accepted (as paid lessons from a professional), even from the parent mentioned above.
posted by zennie at 10:52 AM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
My parents have been very generous with the limited money they have, for my entire life. They do it because they desperately want me to be happy and they want to help me. They don't hold it over my head and I always refuse initially and then accept very gratefully after they insist.
It sounds like your mother is just trying to be a loving mother, but obviously I don't know you or her so I may be wrong. It's possibly your guilt and desperation for independence that is making you so anxious. If you self reflect and find that is the case, it's ok to accept her help.
posted by shesbenevolent at 10:54 AM on September 17, 2015
It sounds like your mother is just trying to be a loving mother, but obviously I don't know you or her so I may be wrong. It's possibly your guilt and desperation for independence that is making you so anxious. If you self reflect and find that is the case, it's ok to accept her help.
posted by shesbenevolent at 10:54 AM on September 17, 2015
I forgot to add, my other parent asked me to pay rent. So there's that end of the spectrum to consider as well.
posted by zennie at 10:56 AM on September 17, 2015
posted by zennie at 10:56 AM on September 17, 2015
I was once in this exact same situation (returned home from abroad, living with parents, couldn't find a job, parents offered a car). Honestly, you should graciously accept the car. It may surprise you how much a boost of independence can help you when you're trying to get yourself out of a rut. And yes, a hand-me-down car will increase your *independence*, physically, despite the symbolic/emotional sense of being even more dependent on your mom.
It sounds like the only strings attached to this offer are "please do your best to find a job and move out". Which sounds like a good idea to me.
posted by acidic at 11:07 AM on September 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
It sounds like the only strings attached to this offer are "please do your best to find a job and move out". Which sounds like a good idea to me.
posted by acidic at 11:07 AM on September 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Unless there are strings attached, take all the financial help you can get! One of the biggest regrets of my youth is giving up on driving lessons. My parents would have paid for lessons for as long as it took but I gave up after failing twice (the first time was on such a minor thing and the second time I just wasn't having a good day, the driving wasn't flowing for me that day). Now I'm an adult and have to pay for lessons myself, I'm finding it hard to prioritise that (rather large) cost (I don't need to be able to drive but it would be very useful if I could.
I was very keen to cut financial ties with my family as a teen/young adult because it came with strings. So long as I was financially dependant on them I had to live by their rules.
posted by missmagenta at 11:08 AM on September 17, 2015
I was very keen to cut financial ties with my family as a teen/young adult because it came with strings. So long as I was financially dependant on them I had to live by their rules.
posted by missmagenta at 11:08 AM on September 17, 2015
I also come from a household where there were never any strings attached to the financial or material help my parents offered me. I lived with them after law school while I saved a down payment for my home. When my car gave up the ghost in law school, they gave me my mother's old car. Countless other small gifts (meals, couches, suits) have come from them over the years--they see it as the least they can do to make sure their children are thriving and I accept it with gratitude that my parents are generous and able to be generous. Now I'm older, with more financial stability of my own, I buy them dinner or pay for the theatre tickets or whatever. So from that perspective, I find no reason in your question to refuse your mother's offer of help, especially since the downsides you list are all your feelings, and not your mother's demands.
It's frustrating to be an adult at home. It can feel invasive if your mother wants to check up on your job search or your plan for moving out eventually. But I think it's reasonable for her to want to know--both because she's your mom and cares and because she probably would not mind having her own space back for herself. Having conversations about your plan and being able to refuse gifts that don't help (like take the offer to learn how to drive the car, so you can use it while you stay with her, but don't accept the gift of the car because it will complicate your life plan to move into a city with good transit) are good ways to keep the balance between dependence and assistance.
I think having a plan to live with your mom until you can afford to live on your own is reasonable. I think that if the situation is basically emotionally healthy, it's fine to stay there until you can afford to leave (whether that's you've got a good job, or you've got good savings and roommate). I think the part you need to focus on is not letting yourself regress into feeling like a teenager. Hopefully your mom is not treating you like one (that's a fine line to walk when you're offering assistance, too!) and hopefully, you're not acting like one.
posted by crush-onastick at 11:09 AM on September 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's frustrating to be an adult at home. It can feel invasive if your mother wants to check up on your job search or your plan for moving out eventually. But I think it's reasonable for her to want to know--both because she's your mom and cares and because she probably would not mind having her own space back for herself. Having conversations about your plan and being able to refuse gifts that don't help (like take the offer to learn how to drive the car, so you can use it while you stay with her, but don't accept the gift of the car because it will complicate your life plan to move into a city with good transit) are good ways to keep the balance between dependence and assistance.
I think having a plan to live with your mom until you can afford to live on your own is reasonable. I think that if the situation is basically emotionally healthy, it's fine to stay there until you can afford to leave (whether that's you've got a good job, or you've got good savings and roommate). I think the part you need to focus on is not letting yourself regress into feeling like a teenager. Hopefully your mom is not treating you like one (that's a fine line to walk when you're offering assistance, too!) and hopefully, you're not acting like one.
posted by crush-onastick at 11:09 AM on September 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Be a gracious receiver.
posted by Flood at 11:25 AM on September 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Flood at 11:25 AM on September 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am a marionette child. My mum has helped me HUGELY along the way (she bought me a flat to live in!) and in any argument we had, she'd bring it up as proof that I am incapable of adulting and only still alive cuz she's spun this safety net under me. It was (one part of) a huge issue for a long time.
I thought about cutting all ties and ultimately decided against it cuz I decided I valued my little comforts more than some elusive sense of independence or whatever. Sure I could make it on my own, but life would be a hell of a lot less fun, and a lot more tedious work.
I did have a talk with my mother where I told her I was very grateful for everything she gave me, but that I had never asked for anything and never would, and if her gifts came with strings attached she could keep them. Surprisingly, she has respected that. (I was also in therapy and dealt with my own guilt & feelings of inadequacy etc. yada yada.)
So um, my point is... IMO "making it on your own" is overrated. Of course YMMV.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:30 AM on September 17, 2015
I thought about cutting all ties and ultimately decided against it cuz I decided I valued my little comforts more than some elusive sense of independence or whatever. Sure I could make it on my own, but life would be a hell of a lot less fun, and a lot more tedious work.
I did have a talk with my mother where I told her I was very grateful for everything she gave me, but that I had never asked for anything and never would, and if her gifts came with strings attached she could keep them. Surprisingly, she has respected that. (I was also in therapy and dealt with my own guilt & feelings of inadequacy etc. yada yada.)
So um, my point is... IMO "making it on your own" is overrated. Of course YMMV.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:30 AM on September 17, 2015
Not having a car payment is pretty damn amazing. I'm financially independent and in my thirties and yet I just got a hand-me-down car from my mother, and I am so, so grateful. However, my parents are the no-strings-attached sorts, so keep that in mind.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:48 AM on September 17, 2015
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:48 AM on September 17, 2015
She'll say things like "I think we should sit down and discuss your future" and I get really defensive and tell her that my future is my business and I'm figuring it out. I am still working part time, cook meals and do housework in return for living at home for a few months. I'm applying for jobs daily.
I think this is an excellent boundary to set and maintain. If anything, try to let go of the defensiveness you feel. Your mom has the right to her opinion as to how you should structure your life, but your opinion as to actually how to run things trumps hers, and you don't need to defend that.
posted by disconnect at 12:14 PM on September 17, 2015
I think this is an excellent boundary to set and maintain. If anything, try to let go of the defensiveness you feel. Your mom has the right to her opinion as to how you should structure your life, but your opinion as to actually how to run things trumps hers, and you don't need to defend that.
posted by disconnect at 12:14 PM on September 17, 2015
My gut reaction is "cut all financial dependency on mom ASAP". I also have a mother who attaches strings to everything
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:18 PM on September 17, 2015
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:18 PM on September 17, 2015
Are you asking your mom for rides to places, or spending a lot of time at home because you don't have transportation? Maybe she's trying to get a bit of her own time and/or space back, by pushing you to be more independent?
posted by une_heure_pleine at 12:49 PM on September 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by une_heure_pleine at 12:49 PM on September 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
In general it sounds to me like she's being a caring parent, however the part that bothers me is it seems that she is deciding the pace of your life. She decides it's time to talk about your future. She decides that it's time for you to take driving lessons. That is what would bother me, not the offers of help and support. So what you can do is redirect her efforts. Tell her you would appreciate her support, and then tell her where you need support and let her help you in areas that you have chosen for yourself. Otherwise yes absolutely hold onto the reins of your own life and don't let them go.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:51 PM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:51 PM on September 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
She'll say things like "I think we should sit down and discuss your future" and I get really defensive and tell her that my future is my business and I'm figuring it out. I am still working part time, cook meals and do housework in return for living at home for a few months. I'm applying for jobs daily.
It may also be that she's asking this (a reasonable enough question) because she can't read your mind and doesn't know if you're figuring it out or not. If you were to lay out your thinking, or tell her some of your ideas for where things are headed, or even just say something like "I think I need about six months to formulate a plan, so can we plan to talk about this again in the New Year?", you might find that she's more at ease because, rather than stonewalling her,you're letting her into the process a little more.
I lived at home for a year when I was 25-26. I had left a seasonal educator job and was applying for teaching jobs. I thought I'd be home for about a month transition, but it turned out to be a year. I actually enjoyed it, despite feeling a lot of anxiety that my career wasn't getting off the ground. I applied for jobs daily, and kept my folks up to date on some of the highlights of that process. I spent time every week at the library researching jobs (that was how it was done in the stone ages) and so they could see I was putting in some hours. I volunteered and I worked full time as a waitress so I wasn't in their hair all the time. At their recommendation I did some informational interviewing and the like. I think it helped a lot that they could see I was on a trajectory, and just waiting for a break, instead of hanging around in a dead-end sort of way with no clear path ahead. That sort of openness might really help them relax. They may actually be worried you aren't going to move on, ever, and you're worried about it too, and everyone's anxious. But openness about your process can help reduce that.
posted by Miko at 12:58 PM on September 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
It may also be that she's asking this (a reasonable enough question) because she can't read your mind and doesn't know if you're figuring it out or not. If you were to lay out your thinking, or tell her some of your ideas for where things are headed, or even just say something like "I think I need about six months to formulate a plan, so can we plan to talk about this again in the New Year?", you might find that she's more at ease because, rather than stonewalling her,you're letting her into the process a little more.
I lived at home for a year when I was 25-26. I had left a seasonal educator job and was applying for teaching jobs. I thought I'd be home for about a month transition, but it turned out to be a year. I actually enjoyed it, despite feeling a lot of anxiety that my career wasn't getting off the ground. I applied for jobs daily, and kept my folks up to date on some of the highlights of that process. I spent time every week at the library researching jobs (that was how it was done in the stone ages) and so they could see I was putting in some hours. I volunteered and I worked full time as a waitress so I wasn't in their hair all the time. At their recommendation I did some informational interviewing and the like. I think it helped a lot that they could see I was on a trajectory, and just waiting for a break, instead of hanging around in a dead-end sort of way with no clear path ahead. That sort of openness might really help them relax. They may actually be worried you aren't going to move on, ever, and you're worried about it too, and everyone's anxious. But openness about your process can help reduce that.
posted by Miko at 12:58 PM on September 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
She'll say things like "I think we should sit down and discuss your future" and I get really defensive and tell her that my future is my business and I'm figuring it out.
Coming from a family where my younger brother refuses to tell any of us ANYTHING and then is furious when we don't know the intimate details of his work schedule: I'm not sure that responding to this request with MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS is really a proportionate response.
I mean, if you know that she plans to sit you down with a five year plan where she dictates the rest of your life, then sure, avoid that. But it sounds like she just wants to know more about how you are doing in your situation, not that she wants to boss you around.
It is hard to make the mental switch from "my parent wants to ask me about my life in order to tell me what I am doing wrong" to "my parent wants to ask me about my life because my parent wants to know more about my life," but it is often worth it.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 1:09 PM on September 17, 2015
Coming from a family where my younger brother refuses to tell any of us ANYTHING and then is furious when we don't know the intimate details of his work schedule: I'm not sure that responding to this request with MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS is really a proportionate response.
I mean, if you know that she plans to sit you down with a five year plan where she dictates the rest of your life, then sure, avoid that. But it sounds like she just wants to know more about how you are doing in your situation, not that she wants to boss you around.
It is hard to make the mental switch from "my parent wants to ask me about my life in order to tell me what I am doing wrong" to "my parent wants to ask me about my life because my parent wants to know more about my life," but it is often worth it.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 1:09 PM on September 17, 2015
The thing is that your (plans for the) future are your mother's business - they directly affect her since you're living in her home, eating her food etc. So stop responding to this like the teenager you used to be and try to engage in an adult conversation with her. That may include saying I haven't got it fully mapped out atm. This is my dream/ideal. This is what I'm doing towards making it happen. These are the problems I'm currently running into. And then you listen. She may have some helpful advice. She may also just want to be able to say thanks for sharing. I am willing to support you for the time being so take your time to figure out/overcome whatever it may be. I just want to know you're working towards your goals and that there is nothing else obvious I can do to help.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:22 PM on September 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:22 PM on September 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think it might be helpful for you to have a talk with your mother.
Ask her what she needs from you in order to feel confident about this situation. Tell her what you need from her in order to improve your job finding chances.
If she really wants to help, tell her how she can best help (don't say "do nothing", though). Sometimes parents just want to DO something. Give her something to do.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 PM on September 17, 2015
Ask her what she needs from you in order to feel confident about this situation. Tell her what you need from her in order to improve your job finding chances.
If she really wants to help, tell her how she can best help (don't say "do nothing", though). Sometimes parents just want to DO something. Give her something to do.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 PM on September 17, 2015
There's lots of good advice in this thread but I just wanted to add one little detail. Driving a stick is a useful life skill and I totally recommend learning how to do it, but it almost certainly won't save you any money. Modern automatic transmissions are just as good if not better for the average driver in the average car in terms of gas mileage.
I am absolutely not saying you should go embarrass your mom by challenging her understanding of how cars work, but just in case it figures in your own financial calculations.
posted by Wretch729 at 4:35 PM on September 17, 2015
I am absolutely not saying you should go embarrass your mom by challenging her understanding of how cars work, but just in case it figures in your own financial calculations.
posted by Wretch729 at 4:35 PM on September 17, 2015
When she says "lets discuss your future" perhaps she is trying to say something like "honey, we're thinking of selling the house next year, will you still be here?"
posted by the agents of KAOS at 8:22 PM on September 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 8:22 PM on September 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
...she just wants to make sure I'm set up well for my future now...she would sometimes send me money in the post...I'm living with her until I get a good job and can afford to move into the nearby city...she wants to pay for driving lessons...she would give me her car...
My mom is your mom. (I guess that makes me your sister....hi, sis!) The most recent deal was when we were clothes shopping. I'd asked her to come with, since I value and trust her opinion on whether things look good on me. Long story short, she wanted to buy me a shirt that wasn't in my budget. My immediate response was "No, ma'am!" It was (and remains) important to me that I earned the money I was spending; I'd saved it, I'd budgeted carefully for it, it was MY money. MINE. My parents are very well off; I'm very not. They recently bought a $650k house. I'd be homeless if not for a good friend with whose family I'm living.
I've come to realize, though, that my mom's love language is receiving gifts. Since that's her love language, that's how she shows love: through giving gifts. She knows that she can afford things, and I can't, so her giving them to me is an act of love. I'd imagine that's kind of where your mom's coming from. It's not "Oh, you irresponsible creature, sit down and let me tell you what your future shall be MUAHAHAHAHA." Instead, it's "Honey, I love you, I want to be part of your life, let me give you things to make life a little easier, and let's talk so I know what you're doing."
I recently lost my beloved "other mother," an older woman who had a mom-like place in my life. I miss her fiercely and desperately. I wish to high heaven I could have one more day with her. I've got one grandmother left; she's my rock. We celebrated her 90th birthday last month with a big to-do at the civic center. 100+ people there. I got to spend hours talking with her in the days leading up to the party. I cherished every second, because I know I'm not going to have her much longer. My mother and I don't see eye-to-eye on too much, but I love her, and I know she loves and only wants the best for me. Your mom loves you, probably more than she even has the words to express. (I keep trying to express it to my kids, but I get giggles and eye rolls and told how silly I am.) Your mom loves you. Let her love you.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 8:08 PM on September 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
My mom is your mom. (I guess that makes me your sister....hi, sis!) The most recent deal was when we were clothes shopping. I'd asked her to come with, since I value and trust her opinion on whether things look good on me. Long story short, she wanted to buy me a shirt that wasn't in my budget. My immediate response was "No, ma'am!" It was (and remains) important to me that I earned the money I was spending; I'd saved it, I'd budgeted carefully for it, it was MY money. MINE. My parents are very well off; I'm very not. They recently bought a $650k house. I'd be homeless if not for a good friend with whose family I'm living.
I've come to realize, though, that my mom's love language is receiving gifts. Since that's her love language, that's how she shows love: through giving gifts. She knows that she can afford things, and I can't, so her giving them to me is an act of love. I'd imagine that's kind of where your mom's coming from. It's not "Oh, you irresponsible creature, sit down and let me tell you what your future shall be MUAHAHAHAHA." Instead, it's "Honey, I love you, I want to be part of your life, let me give you things to make life a little easier, and let's talk so I know what you're doing."
I recently lost my beloved "other mother," an older woman who had a mom-like place in my life. I miss her fiercely and desperately. I wish to high heaven I could have one more day with her. I've got one grandmother left; she's my rock. We celebrated her 90th birthday last month with a big to-do at the civic center. 100+ people there. I got to spend hours talking with her in the days leading up to the party. I cherished every second, because I know I'm not going to have her much longer. My mother and I don't see eye-to-eye on too much, but I love her, and I know she loves and only wants the best for me. Your mom loves you, probably more than she even has the words to express. (I keep trying to express it to my kids, but I get giggles and eye rolls and told how silly I am.) Your mom loves you. Let her love you.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 8:08 PM on September 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
She thinks it would be better for me to be able to drive in a manual car long-term (cheaper) and has offered to pay for lessons for a few months. Once I have done this, she would give me her car.
I think she is offering to pay for driving lessons in a manual car so that you can legally (and properly) drive her car, for either or both of the following reasons :
1. To help you in your job search (getting to job interviews and so forth)
2. Giving you some mobility so you're not moping around in her place so much.
Take the driving lessons, and the car. If you find yourself with a job and in your own place such that you don't need or want the car anymore, give it back. If neither of you want the car, sell it, and offer the proceeds to her.
posted by Diag at 11:09 PM on September 19, 2015
I think she is offering to pay for driving lessons in a manual car so that you can legally (and properly) drive her car, for either or both of the following reasons :
1. To help you in your job search (getting to job interviews and so forth)
2. Giving you some mobility so you're not moping around in her place so much.
Take the driving lessons, and the car. If you find yourself with a job and in your own place such that you don't need or want the car anymore, give it back. If neither of you want the car, sell it, and offer the proceeds to her.
posted by Diag at 11:09 PM on September 19, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Unless you can't afford to keep the car (and keep it insured), then you're not really at her mercy here. If she stops paying for the lessons, you're out zero money and a little time spent in the pursuit of a skill that isn't a bad one to have. If she reneges on giving you the car, same thing.
Yeah, you're kind of leaning on her. But she's asking you to, and if it isn't hurting her, then go ahead and lean. That's what parents are for.
posted by Etrigan at 10:20 AM on September 17, 2015 [6 favorites]