Resources for a fluid-bonded, closed triad.

September 17, 2015 9:11 AM

Where can my husband, my girlfriend and myself (female) find polyamory resources specifically for and by FMF closed triads who are fluid bonded?

After much discussion and contemplation, we are all now ready to begin a group marriage, in one household. This will just be the three of us, we will not be bringing others in. We are trying to find blogs, articles, sites that address the specific needs and concerns of this type of relationship. What has worked? What has failed? Sleeping arrangements? Division of household duties? Long-term planning? Perils, Promise, Pitfalls?

We are finding lots of articles about open triads and quads, those OK with member(s) dating outside of the relationship, but very little about committed closed triads. We cant possibly be the first! :-)

Specific links would be super-helpful. So would first-hand experiences.

Thanks so much!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (6 answers total)

If you want closed, you might want to search for "polyfidelity" or "polyfi". Not everybody who uses the term is an exact Kerista clone.

Specifically FMF, specifically triads, specifically fluid bonded, etc? I don't think what you have is rare, but you may not find much aimed really closely at that exact combination, because at least some parts of that are going to be irrelevant to any particular concern somebody might be writing about. How is "closed" related to dividing household chores?

Sleeping arrangements, on the other hand, are very individual, even though they are related to the fixed elements you give. Based on no actual "closed" experience, I'd suggest some kind of set schedule, but with significant flexibility. But some people don't do well with any structure, and some people need absolute structure. It depends on who wants to sleep with who in what combinations, too.

If you want advice from somebody who's been "doing poly" for about 30 years, I'd say that you're going to find that just about everything remotely sane has "worked" for some people and "failed" for others. And people have different ideas of what "working" and "failing" are. You have an opportunity to tailor what you're doing to your own needs, and each of you may have different needs. Working it out for yourselves is part of the fun. :-)

Danger areas to watch for:

• Agreeing to things because you think you "should" feel they're all right, even though you really don't feel that way. Including kidding yourself about how you feel.
• Letting a desire for absolute, unambiguous, ironclad rules get in the way of taking care of everybody's well being, and especially turning into rules lawyers. This does not mean you can't have rules, and it definitely isn't against communicating about what you do and do not expect. It's just that you should be sane about thinking you can provide for every case in advance in an ironclad way. Getting into technicalities and loopholes is almost always a sign of impending doom.
• Treating everybody alike on subjects where they're not alike.
• Turning one person into an arbiter between the other two. Sometimes being a mediator can work, but even that has to be done very carefully.
• Day to day power imbalances. Something like one person having much more or less disposable spending money might be a bigger problem than one person having a lot bigger or smaller income.
• Anything that might be a problem in monogamy. See every article ever written about monogamy. How do you all feel about kids, say? Or moving for jobs? Or where you want to live generally? Or assigning different areas of responsibility, versus everybody doing some of everything?

posted by Hizonner at 11:08 AM on September 17, 2015 [7 favorites]

Head on over to Fetlife and join one or more of the many polyamory discussion groups. It is all pretty civilized, with many people giving their own personal experiance input. There are also Triad groups. Try the search box when you have signed up. It's free but it would be supportive to make a donation.
posted by adamvasco at 3:42 PM on September 17, 2015

I recommend Franklin Veaux's writing. He has a web site, a book, and answers polyamory questions on Quora.
posted by orchidfox at 7:13 PM on September 17, 2015

It also matters a great deal whether all three of you met at once and developed the relationships simultaneously, or whether two of you have a longer history. I have quite a bit of personal experience with the latter (from both directions); none with the former.
posted by orchidfox at 7:17 PM on September 17, 2015

This looks like polygamy in every way but name. The way polygamy works traditionally is that each wife has her own bedroom, and the husband takes turn visiting them at night. Now adapt this to your particular circumstances, with you taking turns to visit your husband and girlfriend.
posted by Kwadeng at 10:26 PM on September 17, 2015

it sounds from the OP's question like they're all together (i.e. her husband is also dating the girlfriend), so... honestly, the sleeping situation will depend on how you all are about personal space and how compatible you are as sleepers, just as it would in a two-person relationship — I know people who sleep in separate rooms because one of them snores. I'm not sure there's a good universal answer.
posted by you're a kitty! at 11:14 PM on September 17, 2015