Looking for advice on being more comfortable when put on the spot
September 16, 2015 1:31 PM Subscribe
Tips/Techniques/Advice on how to reduce avoidant behavior?
I’ve found I often have trouble switching gears/changing plans/doing much of anything when I’m put on the spot. I’m a naturally skittish person so I assume it’s related to that in some way. When I’m in the middle of something and someone suggests something else I flounder and often it takes me a bit to readjust and process things.
For example, this evening a coworker invited me to drinks with a couple other people. I genuinely like this person and I’m sure I would have had a great time. We’ve done it before and I have. But she just happened to catch me when I was planning to take off for the evening and my brain couldn’t process the question/the situation/etc. and I blurted out some form of “I’m about to head home.” Ideally I would have followed that up with “but that sounds nice. Sure. Let’s do that.” but by then it was too late.
Similar things happen all the time. And so I miss out on a lot. Things that I would rather be doing than sitting at home again. But that short term panic that comes over me gets in the way. Does anyone have any advice on how to think on my feet better and deal with this?
I’ve found I often have trouble switching gears/changing plans/doing much of anything when I’m put on the spot. I’m a naturally skittish person so I assume it’s related to that in some way. When I’m in the middle of something and someone suggests something else I flounder and often it takes me a bit to readjust and process things.
For example, this evening a coworker invited me to drinks with a couple other people. I genuinely like this person and I’m sure I would have had a great time. We’ve done it before and I have. But she just happened to catch me when I was planning to take off for the evening and my brain couldn’t process the question/the situation/etc. and I blurted out some form of “I’m about to head home.” Ideally I would have followed that up with “but that sounds nice. Sure. Let’s do that.” but by then it was too late.
Similar things happen all the time. And so I miss out on a lot. Things that I would rather be doing than sitting at home again. But that short term panic that comes over me gets in the way. Does anyone have any advice on how to think on my feet better and deal with this?
I'm a big fan of "hang on, let me check!" and I pull out my phone and poke my finger at it randomly, maybe open up my calendar, but it's all just a cover for me to think for a second about what they just asked me, and whether I want to go, and whether I'll wish tomorrow that I'd gone out or stayed in. I have the additional cover of being married, so I can say things like "Oh, let me check with $partner, can I get back to you in a minute?"
posted by aimedwander at 1:45 PM on September 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 1:45 PM on September 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
Try repeating back what was said as a question. It's a low-involvement response, but it does two things: it checks that you've heard the person properly and, more importantly, it give you time to get your mental feet back under you.
You can train yourself into this, even if it feels a bit unnatural at first. Rehearse it with a friend even, until it becomes more natural---it's a lot harder to do cold the first time. It's one one the techniques we were taught in media training.
posted by bonehead at 1:48 PM on September 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can train yourself into this, even if it feels a bit unnatural at first. Rehearse it with a friend even, until it becomes more natural---it's a lot harder to do cold the first time. It's one one the techniques we were taught in media training.
posted by bonehead at 1:48 PM on September 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Scripts! I have scripts: I write them down in my to do list (which is 57 pages long and has a contents page and reference material - like scripts). Think of the occasions you feel like you fucked up with, write it out like this:
Person: come to the pub!
Me: I'd love to next time / going to need notice because my cat / great idea but only on Sunday's.
Most of the time considering what I should say embeds it, but I review this section whenever I reorganise my list so it remains fresh.
(Yes, I know. But a 57 page to do list means I'm exactly the sort of person who needs scripts for normal human interaction)
posted by b33j at 2:45 PM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Person: come to the pub!
Me: I'd love to next time / going to need notice because my cat / great idea but only on Sunday's.
Most of the time considering what I should say embeds it, but I review this section whenever I reorganise my list so it remains fresh.
(Yes, I know. But a 57 page to do list means I'm exactly the sort of person who needs scripts for normal human interaction)
posted by b33j at 2:45 PM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
If it's on your mind enough and you practice, eventually you'll do it! You'll just do it one day and be like "whoa" and then you'll be able to do it. If you're anything like me.
I definitely do the "oooh, sounds fun, let me check on something real quick" *derp derp phone* "OK! Sounds great!" Then on the way out I can be like, "just had to check with Partner, he's heading to blah blah tonight and wanted to make sure he was all good," or whatever, truth or lies, does not matter.
posted by easter queen at 8:18 PM on September 16, 2015
I definitely do the "oooh, sounds fun, let me check on something real quick" *derp derp phone* "OK! Sounds great!" Then on the way out I can be like, "just had to check with Partner, he's heading to blah blah tonight and wanted to make sure he was all good," or whatever, truth or lies, does not matter.
posted by easter queen at 8:18 PM on September 16, 2015
It's funny, I'm the opposite--I say yes too quickly and often regret it. I've found success with "Sounds great, thanks for thinking of me! I'm still figuring tonight out, give me a few minutes to see what's going on and I'll let you know if I can."
OR
"Sounds great, thanks for thinking of me! I'm not sure yet, but don't let me hold you up. Can you give me your number, and I'll text you if I can make it?"
Then you can go to the bathroom or the drinking fountain, and weigh the invitation in the privacy of your own head. I think acknowledging how nice they are to think of you goes a long way to keep the invitations coming, even if you can't or don't feel like making it sometimes.
posted by tk at 8:37 PM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
OR
"Sounds great, thanks for thinking of me! I'm not sure yet, but don't let me hold you up. Can you give me your number, and I'll text you if I can make it?"
Then you can go to the bathroom or the drinking fountain, and weigh the invitation in the privacy of your own head. I think acknowledging how nice they are to think of you goes a long way to keep the invitations coming, even if you can't or don't feel like making it sometimes.
posted by tk at 8:37 PM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh god, are you me?
I've only very recently started "let me check with my partner" trick, and so far it's working well. Oh, and when I get an invitation via text, I feel like replying immediately with "No, I'd really love to but I can't" but I don't. I take an hour or two to really know how I feel about it and then answer. Sometimes it's still "No, I can't" even after all that thinking. I don't like changing my plans from nothing to something, apparently.
I hate how I NEVER get the compulsive "YES" people talk about. But thank you for asking this question, I'll keep checking back on the answers.
posted by SkinsOfCoconut at 10:54 PM on September 16, 2015
I've only very recently started "let me check with my partner" trick, and so far it's working well. Oh, and when I get an invitation via text, I feel like replying immediately with "No, I'd really love to but I can't" but I don't. I take an hour or two to really know how I feel about it and then answer. Sometimes it's still "No, I can't" even after all that thinking. I don't like changing my plans from nothing to something, apparently.
I hate how I NEVER get the compulsive "YES" people talk about. But thank you for asking this question, I'll keep checking back on the answers.
posted by SkinsOfCoconut at 10:54 PM on September 16, 2015
Remember you can always take them up on their offer even after you've already declined.
Just be like "Actually, nevermind, I'd love to come hang out with you guys! Seems a lot more fun than the laundry I was about to go do." Depending on your relationship with them this can even be after they left. Shoot them a text and be like "Hey, my plans just changed for tonight and chilling would be cool - where you be at?"
I do this all the time and never have an issue, as I often decline initially for various reasons.
posted by mayonnaises at 7:33 AM on September 17, 2015
Just be like "Actually, nevermind, I'd love to come hang out with you guys! Seems a lot more fun than the laundry I was about to go do." Depending on your relationship with them this can even be after they left. Shoot them a text and be like "Hey, my plans just changed for tonight and chilling would be cool - where you be at?"
I do this all the time and never have an issue, as I often decline initially for various reasons.
posted by mayonnaises at 7:33 AM on September 17, 2015
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Of course, there are also times when I get caught off guard and need a socially unacceptable amount of time to process the question (often, when I'm asked by somebody I don't like and need to make up an excuse) and for those I totally lie my ass off and make a face and then pass it off as feeling like I was about to sneeze, then saying "sorry, what did you say?" People seem to buy it. Everybody has experienced the temporary disorientation of an aborted sneeze and no one really seems to question it.
posted by phunniemee at 1:38 PM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]