Should we get married anyway and figure it out later?
September 16, 2015 4:10 AM   Subscribe

My partner leaves home from May-October every year for work. I can't join him due to the nature of my own work. This might change in the future, but we want to get married and I'm increasingly unsure I (or our marriage) can cope with this kind of situation long-term. Details inside.

Dating for three years and living together for two, technically only one given the circumstances. We're in our late 20s. He is dedicated to his work as a long-term career. I met him as he was starting this career and have supported him, both of us saying we would just figure out how to make it work, and we have so far. Well, here we are in the early stages of planning a wedding, and I keep waffling between convinced we can make it work, and convinced the incompatibilities between our jobs is going to be our downfall.

To set the scene: I have some attachment issues within romantic relationships that I've been seeing a therapist for. I am not medicated. I've become aware through therapy that I don't actually handle long-distance relationships well - I have a history of long-distance LTRs which were universally negative and harmful to me emotionally. Due to this, the longer my partner and I are separated, the more I lose my ability to connect emotionally with them when and begin to forget about or even dehumanize them.

I cheated on my current partner once last year while he was gone due to these same feelings, compounded with depression (mine is always existential-flavored) and a feeling of lack of control. I didn't realize what was driving those feelings until afterwards, when I entered therapy. I'm a lot more aware than I was last year, and have been working on this because I want to be a better human being and a partner for us. He has forgiven me, we continue on together.

Our history with being apart: Year 1 was pretty tough, we didn't see each other for 5 months in a row, and I was kicking myself for falling in love with someone that I had to be long-distance with yet again. Year 2 was rough, depression and some of the worst poverty I've been in as an adult, but I got to see him a fair amount. Year 3 is proving to be worse emotionally than last year with all this sudden wedding-and-kids talk, which had been made possible due to a massive (+$60,000) increase in both pay and work responsibilities for me. Total game changer.

Suddenly we can have the kind of life together I was never sure we'd ever achieve, but now I'm tied down to living in the city to do the work I do for the pay I pull. I have only been able to see him three times during this current work season. I have been nothing short of begging him to propose to me, and I'm pretty sure it's anxiety talking. I have so much fun with him when we're together and being around him is really freeing, it allows me to take off the weight of being me for a while. The most recent time he came to visit me, instead of being stressed out or numb (both totally normal for me), I fell right back in love with him. Hard. He's been driving all the 7-hour way back just to try to keep things ok at home.

And there's the rub: his work takes him deep out into national forests, oftentimes with no reception, and based out of different towns each year. When we can talk, he is exhausted and I am frequently still working. I thought this would be great for us when things started, since I like my space and my independence, but it turns out I just feel dumb and useless not being able to support him from here, aside from texting all day and hoping it gets through (snail mail is spotty at best).

I want kids, but I don't want an absent father, and he doesn't want to be one. And should we have any, really? The circumstances sound terrible, but I fought tooth and nail for years to get to where my career is now, and the idea of giving it up feels like entertaining suicide.

I'm up at night losing my mind over this, my anxiety is off the charts and I've been having to get stoned before bed in order to sleep. It's difficult to have serious conversations about topics like this over the phone because of the reception issues, so it's just an awful sadtown holding pattern for now.

He's being eternally optimistic about us, one of his charming qualities, but seriously: If I can't live with him during the season, and he can't live with me either, how the fuck are we supposed to make this work?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Truly, and I hate to say this, but it's not.
This isn't a DTMF moment, but it's a "It isn't supposed to be this hard" moment.

I believe that when you're doing the right thing, right things happen, and it's almost like you're trying to bang a square peg into a round hole when it comes to logistics, your depression and anxiety, prior infidelity, communications issues, and just plain overwhelming odds against you.

I wish you the best, but it may be time to start coming to terms that this may not be the best for either of you.
This might help "Reason, Season, Lifetime".
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 4:38 AM on September 16, 2015 [10 favorites]


Oh dear, you sound really depressed and having to get stoned every night to sleep is not going to be sustainable.

When you say " This might change in the future," what does that mean? To me, that sounds like the situation is indefinite or at least fairly long-term. If that's the case, don't put the both of you through this, with kids on top! Things have gotten worse since you decided to get married; that tells you something, no? Sure, getting engaged is a major life change and beings stress in that sense, but it usually feels like good stress. This sounds like the kind of stress that says, "This is too much; something's got to give."

Your account sounds really honest to me and like you've got a good grasp on what is happening. Honor how you feel!
posted by BibiRose at 4:46 AM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


With my previous relationships, I wish someone had told me "you should be, and could be, happy now"

I mean, I spent a lot of years waiting for things to be great, while they oscillated between good/ok and bad, with occasional moments of awful. I've since learnt that relationships don't have to be like that. They can just be great, as a default setting.

Your question reads complicated but is actually simple. You can't see things changing for a while yet, and you're seriously unhappy right now. Don't get married yet, that's a red herring. Change something big (where you live, whether you're together), and see what happens.
posted by greenish at 5:09 AM on September 16, 2015 [43 favorites]


You sound sad, and I would be sad too, in these circumstances.

It sounds like your heart is telling you that he's a great guy, and you love him, but for your own mental, physical and spiritual health, you need to be with someone who is with you most days, not gone and practically out of reach for 6 months out of the year. If that is what you need to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship, then that's what you need. You are trying to make it work, but it is not working, and I don't see that changing if for the next 'n' years, your guy has to be gone half the year.

I think you know what you need to do.
posted by tuesdayschild at 5:15 AM on September 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


I think the marriage question is a bit of a red herring because once you get married, really, what's going to be different?

The situation is that this relationship as it is, does not work for you and is not compatible with the life you want to have. Your partner has not come back with any sort of concrete plan as to why, how, and when things will change and I'm sorry "eternally optimistic" is not good enough for something this important.

Sometimes loving someone isn't enough - you need to be able to share your life with them as well.
posted by like_neon at 5:19 AM on September 16, 2015 [26 favorites]


I can very much relate as my partner was away on (consultancy) business for weeks and months at a time through some parts of our relationship. Time differences as well as patchy cell phone reception made it a pain to really talk and sometimes I was ready to give up. But here we are, 10 years into our relationship, finally moved together, very happy and getting married this Saturday :)

My point is: if you truly love each other and if both of you are willing to make compromises, you can make this work. I would try to sit this episode (of him being away) out and then have a deep, deep discussion of where you want to be going as a couple and what options there are for you to build a life together. Work on that first and then later on you can still get married.

My personal tips for you: start writing a journal with all your questions and ideas of where you want to be heading. Start brainstorming scenarios. When you start discussing this with your partner, do NOT overwhelm him. Some men tend to take a bit to really let these discussions sink in. But stay firm on finding a resolution, not in a day but maybe after a few weeks. Do not waste your years away waiting for something that is not going to happen.
posted by Fallbala at 5:26 AM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


With my previous relationships, I wish someone had told me "you should be, and could be, happy now"

This is fantastic advice and should be front and center in many of these questions.

And there's the rub: his work takes him deep out into national forests, oftentimes with no reception, and based out of different towns each year. When we can talk, he is exhausted and I am frequently still working.

My field is similar -- those are the months when field work and project implementation can happen, so that is when people are out in the field, often with no cell service. Even when there is cell service, there isn't time during the day to talk or even text. If you are lucky, the crappy motel you are staying in has internet and cell service, so you try to catch up late at night and at five in the morning.

In my experience, this is a work pattern that works for some people, but most people do it for a few years and then move to jobs (agency work, consulting, or up to a project manager level, usually) with much less field time. If he is still in the early stages of getting field experience and paying his dues this may feel like a long way away, but the reality is that the only people who work that schedule for an entire career are the people who like it -- there are other paths for the people who aren't happy. Everyone does it for two or three years, but after that only a very few people do it every season.

You are sounding very frustrated and trapped, and the only solution you are offering (marriage) won't change any of the underlying parameters. Something has to give -- his job, your job, or the relationship, unless you can magically become someone who is happy in a long distance situation, which does not sound likely. He should be hitting the end of his field season soon, and that is when you can talk with him about what options are possible.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:46 AM on September 16, 2015 [9 favorites]


If I can't live with him during the season, and he can't live with me either, how the fuck are we supposed to make this work?

The answer is: You may not be able to.

This might change in the future,

Assume it isn't going to, because unless one of you deliberately takes the step to change it, there's no certainty that it will, so pretend it's not in the cards at all. How is your life different with a ring on your finger and a piece of paper in a bank box? He's still gone, you still have a big job, anxiety, depression, and possibly kids. Why is this a choice you're looking at now?
posted by rtha at 5:50 AM on September 16, 2015 [11 favorites]


Suddenly we can have the kind of life together I was never sure we'd ever achieve,

Actually, suddenly you can have the kind of life you have earned. Not saying he shouldn't be part of it, but with his work taking him away half the year and you living in poverty - his work is a net negative for you and this career success is all yours.

being around him is really freeing, it allows me to take off the weight of being me for a while.

This is the big red flag you need to see - your primary relationship isn't supposed to take you away from you. It's supposed to complement/enrich you. Even if he were there 24/7/365 that would be unsustainable. In fact, his not being there 24/7/365 keeps the newness from wearing off and keeps you believing that being with him will fix you. It won't.
posted by headnsouth at 5:50 AM on September 16, 2015 [40 favorites]


Even before I got to that point in your question, I was thinking "I hope they aren't planning on having kids under these circumstances." You sound so unhappy, and no wonder. You recognize that you don't handle LDRs well. You say that this is all making you anxious, that you're self-medicating with pot just to get by, that it's exacerbating your depression ... this is not a good life, or a healthy one. Adding a kid to the equation - how do you see that working? Will the two of you be splitting the responsibility of caring for the child while you're apart, or will one of you be the primary caregiver? If that primary caregiver would be you, how would you manage a child on top of the pain you're already struggling to manage?

You say things might change, but then you say your partner is dedicated to his career long-term - of these two statements, which is the one that you wish were true, and which is the one that is true? By the same token, your partner is optimistic that things will work out, but what plan do the two of you have in mind? It is far too easy to push aside very difficult conversations and gloss over deep-rooted problems with an earnest assurance that things will work out, but wanting it won't make it so.

This isn't a problem that will resolve itself if you just hang in there long enough. The fact that some people can be happy in a life like this doesn't mean that you will be, and I think you need to recognize that. The next time he drives back home the two of you need to have a very serious, very honest discussion. I would suggest that your starting point needs to be that you cannot live like Persephone - you can't live with a 6 months together/6 months alone relationship because that isn't healthy for you. This being the case, how are the two of you to proceed? I think it really comes down to if he will live full-time where you are, and I think both of you need to come to an agreement on if this is reasonable (you don't need a partner who resents you for keeping him from working the job he loves), and if so, under what specific timeframe will this happen. Don't accept "we'll work things out" as an answer because that's obviously not helping you to feel secure, and it's only prolonging the pain.

This absolutely sucks, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be true to yourself: ask for what you need, and do what you must to be healthy.
posted by DingoMutt at 5:56 AM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


I think you need to have a real, honest conversation with your partner about the practicalities of where things are going. While certainly there are families (such as military families) that make long absences of one partner work, it's not easy at all and many of these groups have built in support (such as military families living on bases that provide community and support during deployments). You wouldn't have any of that. It sounds like you'd like to have kids, but do you really want to be essentially a single parent for half of each year? Again, there are absolutely families that make this type of arrangement work, but my sense from reading your question is that the prospect of that doesn't make YOU happy.

The reality is, there can be people in our lives who we love dearly, but who for practical reasons can't be our spouse/significant other for life. I work in a career where in order to find a job, I have to be really flexible on location/willing to move. When we decided to get engaged, my husband and I had a long talk about this. We ended up deciding that he would be willing to move and find a new job, but also that if I didn't find something stable/permanent within a few years, I would be willing to transition into a new career that wasn't so location-crazy. We've both made compromises to be together, because ultimately being together is our priority, over and above our careers.

In contrast, at a different point in my life, with a different guy, I chose the grad school I really wanted to go to over moving to live near him and attend an almost-as-good-but-not-quite grad school. We had talked about long term committments too, but at that point and with that person, I really wasn't ready or willing to sacrifice my career at all for our relationship, and we parted ways.

Now, for some couples living in the same city isn't their priority, even after marriage. I know bicoastal couples who somehow make that work because their careers are really that important to them, and while it would drive me nuts, that's something they can do. I know other couples who lived in different cities for a couple of years after getting married because school/work didn't line up yet to be in the same place, but they knew there was a definite end point to that. Other couples (think: military, oil rig workers, etc.) make the part-time LDR work as well. Only you guys can decide together what sort of arrangement will really make you happy and fulfilled, especially once children are added to the mix. For myself and my husband, we decided that doing a LDR after we were married and giving up that time together simply wasn't worth it, and we were more willing to make career compromises. Whatever you guys decide, this is a serious discussion that should be had before you set a date and get married. And, it's about more than love -- it's about all the practicals of day-to-day life and what will make you guys happy as a long-term couple/family (or finding those things with other people if it's not going to work out with each other).
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:13 AM on September 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm very sorry, but "get married now and figure it out later" sounds like a recipe for disaster --- this kind of fundamental lifestyle/location difference is just one of the reasons that most churches insist on some sort of pre-marital counseling, to make sure both parties have the same realistic goals and understandings.
posted by easily confused at 6:15 AM on September 16, 2015 [7 favorites]


There has to be some kind of bargain here. You don't say what he is contributing to the relationship that makes it worth it--for you and for your future imagined kids--that he can be gone for five months in a row. If it is that he makes enough money to support you in the lifestyle you want, that would be one arrangement that might work here. But you mention poverty, so it sounds like it's not that.

Yes, people can make this work, but it is not supposed to be this hard. Reread your question and pretend that someone else had written it. Would you advise that person to get married to this man?
posted by luckdragon at 6:23 AM on September 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Another thought: why ARE you wanting to get married now, when you know there are some very serious problems here? What, specifically, do you envision marriage doing to alter this situation or how you feel about it?

Maybe it would help to very clearly articulate to yourself just what you want marriage to bring about. I suspect that if you laid this out in front of you, you'd be better able to see a) what you want for your life/relationship, and b) ways that, realistically, getting married to this person, in these circumstances, now, will not get you those things.

I think you'd be so much better off if you concentrated on working out these problems first, if it's possible to do so. Marriage before you figure all this out is only going to make things harder.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:31 AM on September 16, 2015


Marriage doesn't magically change anything or make things easier, it just means that you're legally entangled if it comes down to splitting up. If you're not happy now (and you sound miserable), getting married won't make you happy.
posted by Candleman at 6:35 AM on September 16, 2015 [7 favorites]


but seriously: If I can't live with him during the season, and he can't live with me either, how the fuck are we supposed to make this work?

Maybe I am missing this in your post but where is the part where he can't deal with it?

I am surprised by the "you shouldn't marry this person and I hope you're not planning to have kids!" responses here. Were this true, nobody would marry an oil rig worker, an armed services person, or a seasonal firefighter. The problem is not the scenario, it's your ability to cope with the scenario.

If you can't, you can't, and sadly that is that because indeed, this will not be easier with children. These setups do best with someone who is emotionally independent, and with paid or family support to supplement loan parenting or even just household management. If your anxiety (medicated or unmedicated) isn't going to let you be that person or it just isn't who you are, there's not a lot you can do to be happy under the circumstances you describe.

Having said all of that:

He's in a remote profession, whatever it is. "Not being able to support him from here" is par for the course. He needs to be the sort of person who doesn't need home support to do his job when that support is literally unobtainable. Is he asking for this or are you just throwing darts at a board and desperately hoping they will stick?

He is driving 7 hours each way? Can you use some of your 60K to drive / fly / train / whatever to a halfway point whenever that is possible?

Finally, you are describing ongoing depression and anxiety that seems like a longterm pattern and not just a result of this relationship. I'd be discussing meds with my care provider, personally, because relationship or no relationship, this does not sound like a good place to be.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:39 AM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


There are people who would thrive in this situation. Not many, but there is a particular kind of extremely independent personality for whom this works. They tend to be the kind of person who doesn't ever want to live with someone.

You aren't one of them, and it's not a thing you can force. You feel bad because you're trying to force it.

He seems nice enough, but you can know nice people and not have a relationship or marry them. That's really not good enough, that he's not horrible.

I agree with the other people that you need to figure out what you actually think getting married would do. Unless it entitles you to live at his work location (which you've said you can't really do anyway, so what good is that?), it doesn't change anything.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:43 AM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


In addition to what others have been saying about you, it sounds like your partner needs someone who is compatible with the choices he has made about his career. It's not fair to ask him to give up what he chose as a career path before you were even in the picture, it's not fair for him to ask you to give up your chosen career path to follow him, and you obviously can't deal with the resulting absences. It's probably time to face that your choices are incompatible.

What about both of your job situations do you think will change in the future? Do you imagine that if you wait around long enough he'll eventually abandon his career to solve this situation? Do you imagine you'll eventually quit your job to do it? Which one do you think is the fairer out of the two?
posted by FakeFreyja at 6:43 AM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I also thought it was interesting that you don't mention any of the normal strategies I see people doing all field season. The people I know and work with all do at least some of the following:

-- Scheduled phone/text/skype check-ins: even if there is a critical meeting in the evening, about half of the room will step outside between 8 and 9 pm for their nightly phone call home. This has precedence over everything and no one ever gets friction for it.

-- Weekends home: he packs his car on Friday morning and leaves the minute things are done that afternoon. With a 4pm start and a seven hour drive, he is home before midnight. He drives back either Sunday afternoon or at one am on Monday. Some people do this every weekend, others every two weekends. It's tiring and boring, but it's also a chance to do laundry and eat food that isn't from a gas station convenience store.

-- Vacation weekends: the home person flies or drives to a nice destination within a closer drive to the work site, and the two of you have a vacation weekend at a hotel or B&B.

-- Time off: no one I know works 24/7 all season. There are always shutdowns due to weather or permitting, plus federal holidays, and everyone heads home.

My point is that while none of us know his specific work situation, it's actually a common thing to deal with and there are a bunch of normal strategies that stop it from being five months of no contact, and instead five months worth of one- and two-week separations, plus lots of calls and checkins. The question I would ask is which of these you have already tried, and which might work for the two of you as a stopgap measure while you figure out a better long term situation?
posted by Dip Flash at 6:52 AM on September 16, 2015 [15 favorites]


One more thing I wanted to add: please don't beat yourself up or feel that you are somehow failing if you decide that you don't want a relationship where you don't see or hear from your partner for such long stretches of time. Yes, some people thrive in such circumstances, and some find a way of bearing it, but that doesn't mean you have to, or that not doing so is a weakness on your part. Maybe this is a dealbreaker for you, just like wanting/not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for some - and if so, that's okay.

Honestly I would be pretty sad if my wife and I lived apart for long stretches at a time on an indefinite basis, and that has nothing to do with how independent I am - I could 'make it work,' but I would not find it fulfilling. I think that's something to ask yourself: even if you weren't suffering from anxiety and depression, would you find your current circumstances fulfilling? What do you need to enjoy a happy and enriching life?
posted by DingoMutt at 7:18 AM on September 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


I used to be this guy in some ways, constantly on the road, moving to cities for months at a time for work. My wife said I had to choose and I chose her. So intensely happy I did.

She was brave as hell to confront me and make it clear how this had to be. She could have quietly suffered until we were both miserable or she cheated or left etc.

You have to be brave enough to tell him what you need.
posted by French Fry at 8:16 AM on September 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


Reposting this advice that another user posted five years ago:
If you remember nothing else, please remember this: Marriage Does Not Solve Problems.
You get married because you, as a couple, have gotten a handle on the little issues and big problems and know how to go through life as a team.
Any problems you two had before this grand gesture
will still be there. All that will have changed is the level of desperation.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 8:37 AM on October 5, 2010 [11 favorites −] [!]

posted by hhc5 at 9:14 AM on September 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


I don't think you should get married unless you figure out some concrete ways to make the relationship work. Maybe you will be able to, maybe you won't be able to. Stop planning the wedding for now.

That said, it sounds like if you want to stay in this relationship you will need to learn to be comfortable living your life without your partner... and if you break up you will *still* need to learn to be comfortable living your life without your partner. So, seems like it's worth trying to stay together? But you're clearly unhappy with the way things are now, and just being optimistic is not good enough; you need to sit down and have some hard conversations about what your future together would be like (in addition to the work you're doing in therapy, which is also really important).

Some sample topics for discussion:
1) Will your partner be keeping this six-months-away schedule for his entire career? For two more years? For ten more years?
2) Kids. Is there a decision you can make that makes both of you happy? (You don't have to have kids at all, but if it's important to you, you need to figure out, realistically, how that's going to work.)
3) What are you doing to manage your anxiety and learn to cope with being away from your partner?
4) What strategies can the two of you agree upon to reduce the distance you feel from each other while he is away?
posted by mskyle at 9:24 AM on September 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


This sounds like such a tough situation, and I'm sorry that it's causing you so much (understandable) pain.

To answer the question posed in your title, no, you shouldn't get married and figure things out after that. As other wise mefites have said upthread, getting married will not solve any of the problems that you guys are currently dealing with.

You mention not wanting to quit your job, which makes complete sense, especially since it doesn't sound like quitting your job would do anything to fix this. If he's going to be spending six months in different places, often out in national forests, then what how could your employment fix anything, short of you following him around from place to place?

Both of you need to sit down, separately and then together, and figure out your priorities, and what sacrifices you are willing to make. For example, is this relationship worth so much to you that you're willing to be miserable for 6 months out of the year? (Hint: No relationship is worth that.) Are you willing to either functionally be a single parent for half the year or give up on having kids? It sounds like you really want kids, and that you don't want to have kids who have an absent father. Both of those things are understandable and valid.

The thing is, at the end of the day, you can't change your emotions. You can change thought processes, work on ways of coping, but you can't fundamentally change how you feel, and I don't think you should make decisions that are predicated on you changing how you feel. It is worth working on being okay with yourself so that you can be happy in a relationship or not in one, but I think that's different from being comfortable doing a LDR for half the year. I think most people wouldn't be satisfied with that, especially when kids come into the equation.

An important factor is how long this will be the status quo. Is he planning on keeping this schedule for the rest of his career? Is this something that he expects to only do for another 2 years? Or 5 years?

If you can't be happy with the way things currently are, which it sounds like you can't be, he needs to decide whether and how much he's willing to compromise. Is it worth it to him to find a different job so that you guys can get married and have a family? Or maybe he's willing to say that he'll keep doing this for a shorter period (like, say, 2 years), and then he'll find something with more location stability.

It might also be the case that he wants to prioritize his career over having kids and/or being in this relationship. If that's the case, then that's his decision to make, and you have to decide how to respond to this.

Whatever else you decide, please don't get married and absolutely don't have kids until you guys can both come up with a scenario where your needs are met. You may even find it helpful to have a few joint sessions with a couples counsellor so that you can have a neutral third party there to help guide you as you deal with all these fraught issues.

You both deserve to be happy, and you sound miserable right now. Please don't settle with things the way they are right now.
posted by litera scripta manet at 10:51 AM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


Coming in to second what Dip Flash said, and to add the recommendation that partner get a satellite phone (satphone) for better communication possibilities when he is in remote areas.
posted by gudrun at 12:13 PM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I just want to second a few things:

Marriage doesn't solve problems. It just makes one of the possible solutions (people deciding to go their own ways) much more legally and financially complicated, and much more public.

Some people (very few) would be fine in this situation, but you're not, and you have to be honest about that. You can see if the coping suggestions above are helpful, but they may not be sufficient. I couldn't handle this.

The fact that he rescues you from yourself is a red flag, if that's literally what you meant. That said, I could see someone having a really hard time with an LDR and relationship anxiety, so I believe it could be possible that you're having trouble simply because you're trying to do something that for some people is really emotionally hard.

Working with your therapist could mitigate the challenges. In LDRs, I think a lot of people go through a mild sense of disconnection from their partners and some "what does that sense of disconnection mean??" anxiety. Your attachment stuff might magnify that, so maybe you could reduce the degree of magnification, to done extent, with a lot of work and practice. But it will still likely be there in some form.
posted by salvia at 2:47 PM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hi, Anon.

Forgive the presumption, but I think your partner and I are in the same line of work. Unfortunately, if it's true, being able to 'check in' by phone or e-mail on an incident is exceedingly rare. Personal satellite phones and other devices are not practical for most people to carry on this job. The culture also tends to be strongly against it.

This profession is, indeed, hell on marriage. Your misery and the fundamental mismatch between your lifestyles will only be amplified by tying the knot. Your partner's attitude is typical among my coworkers. Blind optimism is easy when you're immersed in the work you love - and it is intense, all-encompassing work with not a lot of downtime or solitude. Not a lot of time to feel the impact of a loved one's absence, or to brood. It is almost always the 'left behind' partner who makes the compromises and shoulders the burden of loneliness, family duties, etc. during the summer. And I get the distinct sense that sacrificing your job, your hope of raising children, and your happiness to a life of months-on-end separation, will be disastrous for you.

You are as entitled to a full and satisfying life as he is. I'm sorry to be so pessimistic, but I've seen marriages full of optimism and faith crumble before the realities of the seasonal lifestyle. At the very least, it might be time to sit down and hash things out with him in an honest, brutal compatibility check. I wish you all the best of luck.
posted by Lycaon_pictus at 6:12 PM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


I can relate.

My now-husband was in the Canadian military. When I first met him, he was just about to leave for tryouts to become a SARTech, which is like a US Navy Seal but they do all rescues, not just marine rescues. It had been his dream for a very long time. He didn't make it in on his first try, hence why we ended up dating. I fell deeply in love with this man like no one ever before.

He got posted elsewhere, we did long-distance for a while, and he was unhappy with his then-job in the military but he wanted me to quit my lucrative engineering career (I have an M.Sc. in engineering so am really invested) and move out to be with him. His next plan was to try out for SARTech again and finally get into a career he really likes. And he wanted me to be on board with that.

I looked into what a SARTech's career/life was like, because i was worried about the first year of training creating a rift between us if we didn't see each other much... ha. I found a blog from a guy who went through the training and got the job, and I realized that as long as he had this job, I would only ever see him 1/3 of the time, at random - the other 2/3 he would be on missions or doing upkeep training. I had to think hard about what kind of life that meant for me, and I didn't like the prospectus. If we had kids I'd effectively be a single mom with a chastity belt. I knew I'd end up feeling resentful and lonely and probably fall for the first man that gave me attention or help in his absence. And I'd never be able to count on him when I need him. So I told him I couldn't stay with him if he chose that life, and explained why.

He had to think about it long and hard. He talked with a lot of people, and did a pros/cons analysis with a counsellor to weigh staying with me vs. doing SARTech. He decided that having a life with me was the better choice. We found him a different career outside the military, in a city new to both of us so we both gave up something to be together. I have my career still, and he's a firefighter now. He loves it.
posted by lizbunny at 8:09 PM on September 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


As many others have mentioned before, many folks thrive in these kind of situations. I also wanted to mention that there are studies showing that wives of husbands with these kind of jobs actually have HIGHER marriage satisfaction. The one exception is military, because of the high potential of loss of life.

But these statistics don't mean anything unless you have considered the options that all the other folks here recommend- scheduled visits at halfway points, satellite phones, etc.

And yes, it isn't a moral failing if you ultimately decide that you can't deal with that kind of situation.

Just don't get married until you figure this stuff out.
posted by leemleem at 5:48 AM on September 17, 2015


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