"I am poor, but not for long, ok?"
September 10, 2015 10:48 PM Subscribe
I am dating a young woman with whom I have shared several hours of stimulating conversation. I found her thoughtful and considerate, and apparently there is mutual interest in getting to know each other better. The problem is that if things keep progressing, soon I'll invite her to my place, and I am not proud of where I currently live. Is there anything I can say or do to avoid being negatively judged by my temporarily poor housing conditions?
This woman does not seem specially concerned about material possessions. Actually, most of our common interests seem to lie in the area of public service, personal growth, and intellectual development. Yet I feel she could be put off by my somehow low class apartment (beat-up couch, cheap table with old chairs, etc.).
Her family seems to have grown out of poverty through hard work (they could even afford to send her to college), which I really respect. My family story is quite the reverse. My grandparents used to have some social standing and financial security, but a series of misfortunes including my parents' bad business choices and health problems brought us down to near bankrupcy. My economic situation (full-time working poor) is likely to improve significantly in the next few months as a result of receiving a family inheritance (something which survived my parents' bankrupcy). Should I somehow casually mention this incoming change before she visits my apartment? I do not think of her as a shallow and superficial person, but I fear that she might get a wrong impression of me based on my temporarily precarious situation.
PS: She lives with her parents, so when/if we decide we want some privacy, we have no other house available but mine.
This woman does not seem specially concerned about material possessions. Actually, most of our common interests seem to lie in the area of public service, personal growth, and intellectual development. Yet I feel she could be put off by my somehow low class apartment (beat-up couch, cheap table with old chairs, etc.).
Her family seems to have grown out of poverty through hard work (they could even afford to send her to college), which I really respect. My family story is quite the reverse. My grandparents used to have some social standing and financial security, but a series of misfortunes including my parents' bad business choices and health problems brought us down to near bankrupcy. My economic situation (full-time working poor) is likely to improve significantly in the next few months as a result of receiving a family inheritance (something which survived my parents' bankrupcy). Should I somehow casually mention this incoming change before she visits my apartment? I do not think of her as a shallow and superficial person, but I fear that she might get a wrong impression of me based on my temporarily precarious situation.
PS: She lives with her parents, so when/if we decide we want some privacy, we have no other house available but mine.
While I wouldn't mention the inheritance, you could mention a few of the plans that you have for your home.
"I'm excited that I'll be able to upgrade my couch and table in the next few months...I've been thinking of ..."
She might enjoy helping you figure out how to do that.
Otherwise, keep your place clean and maybe upgrade a few pieces as k8t is suggesting.
posted by calgirl at 11:23 PM on September 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
"I'm excited that I'll be able to upgrade my couch and table in the next few months...I've been thinking of ..."
She might enjoy helping you figure out how to do that.
Otherwise, keep your place clean and maybe upgrade a few pieces as k8t is suggesting.
posted by calgirl at 11:23 PM on September 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
If she's not a materialistic person, then beat up furniture might be fine. After all, you guys are young. But I would make an effort to be somewhat clean. That makes a world of difference.
posted by gt2 at 11:27 PM on September 10, 2015 [43 favorites]
posted by gt2 at 11:27 PM on September 10, 2015 [43 favorites]
Is your place clean? That was the thing noticed. (Nice sheets and towels - also good!)
It's fine that your place is not a Pottery Barn catalog. You're young and starting out - that's not a source of shame.
posted by 26.2 at 11:28 PM on September 10, 2015 [21 favorites]
It's fine that your place is not a Pottery Barn catalog. You're young and starting out - that's not a source of shame.
posted by 26.2 at 11:28 PM on September 10, 2015 [21 favorites]
I realize this sounds trite and cliche, but if she's put off by your furniture, she's probably not the right person for you to be dating anyway.
Telling her that you're about to get an inheritance seems especially odd to me. It's not like telling someone that you're working on a college degree or looking for a better job (things that are actually about you/related to your actions) - this is literally only about money you will have due to no action on your part. Do you want someone who values you more for the knowledge that you're going to inherit money?
I am writing all of this with the assumption that you are in the US and are not dating within an immigrant ethnic group. If that's the case I'm not sure that generic metafilter advice will be entirely on target.
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:35 PM on September 10, 2015 [49 favorites]
Telling her that you're about to get an inheritance seems especially odd to me. It's not like telling someone that you're working on a college degree or looking for a better job (things that are actually about you/related to your actions) - this is literally only about money you will have due to no action on your part. Do you want someone who values you more for the knowledge that you're going to inherit money?
I am writing all of this with the assumption that you are in the US and are not dating within an immigrant ethnic group. If that's the case I'm not sure that generic metafilter advice will be entirely on target.
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:35 PM on September 10, 2015 [49 favorites]
Make sure your place is clean, tidy , and smells pleasant. Try not to be too self-conscious about your stuff, it's not a big deal.
posted by misfish at 11:36 PM on September 10, 2015 [39 favorites]
posted by misfish at 11:36 PM on September 10, 2015 [39 favorites]
I do think there's a way to have a certain sense of pride about your surroundings without those items costing a lot. I'd clean up and try to generally give a sense of brightness and care to the place (e.g., open and dust off those blinds). Then, I'd think about your guest's comfort and what kind of amenities you might want to offer. Make sure you have two pillows and a clean towel to offer.
posted by salvia at 11:44 PM on September 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by salvia at 11:44 PM on September 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
Don't mention the inheritage; that comes off as bragging or insecurity or worse, you assuming that she is that shallow.
Nothing wrong with being poor, but if you worry about how your place looks, there are some ways to make beat up furniture look better. A cheap table looks much better with a table cloth and some flowers on it, a beat up couch can be improved with a nice blanket over it, any place improves when it's clean and tidy, undsoweiter. If you're a twentysomething bloke, the stereotypical worry she'll have is whether you're a slob, not so much whether you're poor. She's probably not a Vanderbilt herself after all.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:47 PM on September 10, 2015 [28 favorites]
Nothing wrong with being poor, but if you worry about how your place looks, there are some ways to make beat up furniture look better. A cheap table looks much better with a table cloth and some flowers on it, a beat up couch can be improved with a nice blanket over it, any place improves when it's clean and tidy, undsoweiter. If you're a twentysomething bloke, the stereotypical worry she'll have is whether you're a slob, not so much whether you're poor. She's probably not a Vanderbilt herself after all.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:47 PM on September 10, 2015 [28 favorites]
Definitely don't mention the inheritance. The money will give you some comfort temporarily, but it doesn't speak for you, by itself - and if it does, 2nd needs more cowbell, she's not the one for you. (If you could use it to upgrade your skills and find a job you like better, or one that pays enough for you to like it, that'd be excellent, but the inheritance isn't worth mentioning until after the fact, in passing, if at all.)
2nd just making the place feel clean, ordered, and comfortable, which will give the impression that you can take care of yourself (more important than $$). Focus on:
- a clean bathroom (especially sink!) and kitchen. Clean towels, a bath mat, hand soap, bin with a lid
- a cozy living area. Throw a few pillows on the couch, get a couple of table lamps, and put something on the wall. Get a bookcase so things have a place to live, if they don't at the moment. Play with layout until it feels balanced. Use a colour wheel if you're unsure about new colours you're introducing.
- the entryway - get a shelf for keys and mail, a doormat, shoe rack, and hat rack
- clean sheets on the bed; bedspread if you like
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:57 PM on September 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
2nd just making the place feel clean, ordered, and comfortable, which will give the impression that you can take care of yourself (more important than $$). Focus on:
- a clean bathroom (especially sink!) and kitchen. Clean towels, a bath mat, hand soap, bin with a lid
- a cozy living area. Throw a few pillows on the couch, get a couple of table lamps, and put something on the wall. Get a bookcase so things have a place to live, if they don't at the moment. Play with layout until it feels balanced. Use a colour wheel if you're unsure about new colours you're introducing.
- the entryway - get a shelf for keys and mail, a doormat, shoe rack, and hat rack
- clean sheets on the bed; bedspread if you like
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:57 PM on September 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
You can imply you're in a transitional phase in your life without saying you'll be getting a bunch of money soon. And you can just own up to knowing your place isn't what you'd like it to be yet. Like "okay I totally know my apartment looks kind of lame right now, but I haven't wanted to commit to any furniture until I've found an apartment I really like". Honestly she'll probably just be stoked to hang with you in a private non-parental situation.
posted by thebots at 12:26 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by thebots at 12:26 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm 40, so take this with a grain of salt, but the most important part of a guy's apartment, apart from bathroom, is his couch. A couch needs to be super clean, comfy and inviting.
If it's beat up, buy some kind of soft looking spread that has bright colors, or whatever else color is your style. Drape it over your couch. Wash it first so it smells nice and not plasticky. Add some nice cushions.
Your couch should say for you "sit down and let's cuddle!"
posted by Omnomnom at 1:56 AM on September 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
If it's beat up, buy some kind of soft looking spread that has bright colors, or whatever else color is your style. Drape it over your couch. Wash it first so it smells nice and not plasticky. Add some nice cushions.
Your couch should say for you "sit down and let's cuddle!"
posted by Omnomnom at 1:56 AM on September 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
I think you're 50% overthinking this, and really don't need to do that much.
Having a sparse but clean place will get you 90% of the way to where you want to go. Is the actual place itself janky, or is it just a bit of a mess with janky furniture?
I moved into a place when i was 19 with a mattress, a dresser, and some boxes. I furnished/decorated/stocked it from alleys, apartment dumpsters, and craigslist(including the free section). Within a couple months i had a nice couch, some speakers and a turntable, a couple bookshelves(with books! interesting ones!), a chair, some little shelves to put the speakers on, a couple big boxes of records i happened upon that included quirky weird stuff.
Keeping it clean mattered more than anything else though. I always kinda prodded friends and lady-guests about what they thought and what they thought of our other friends places, and my friend who literally just had a comfy couch and a bed but kept his place spotlessly clean got some snark about minimalism but everyone didn't mind. Similarly, my place got compliments for the sparse but quirky decor(i had a HUGE vintage halloween owl sign on my door, for example, and colored lightbulbs in a lamp).
In contrast, i've known people on both sides of them breaking off a thing with someone or losing a lot of interest because the place was messy. Even if it wasn't a super swanky or kind of janky apartment, clean always beat a nice building that was a complete mess inside the unit.
If i had to make a TL;DR it would be clean up, organize things so it's uncluttered, and then buy a couple weird quirky eye catchers/conversation starting silly room items at a thrift store for $5.99. Sparse and messy is collegey. Sparse and clean with a few silly things is a stylistic decision.
And really, look at the paintings/art section of your local large thrift store. Cool and hilarious stuff shows up in there. Put a couple things on your walls.
On preview, i think omnomnom is on to something. Everyone liked my place more including lady-guests when i got a cushy couch. It didn't look super nice, but it was pretty clean and tweed in a hipstery way. And comfortable enough that i passed out on it more than a few times even though my bed was six feet away. I just went for a stroll, saw someone failing at fitting in to a moving truck, and went "so uh... you gonna take that?". $0.00, which fit my budget well at the time.
posted by emptythought at 2:20 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Having a sparse but clean place will get you 90% of the way to where you want to go. Is the actual place itself janky, or is it just a bit of a mess with janky furniture?
I moved into a place when i was 19 with a mattress, a dresser, and some boxes. I furnished/decorated/stocked it from alleys, apartment dumpsters, and craigslist(including the free section). Within a couple months i had a nice couch, some speakers and a turntable, a couple bookshelves(with books! interesting ones!), a chair, some little shelves to put the speakers on, a couple big boxes of records i happened upon that included quirky weird stuff.
Keeping it clean mattered more than anything else though. I always kinda prodded friends and lady-guests about what they thought and what they thought of our other friends places, and my friend who literally just had a comfy couch and a bed but kept his place spotlessly clean got some snark about minimalism but everyone didn't mind. Similarly, my place got compliments for the sparse but quirky decor(i had a HUGE vintage halloween owl sign on my door, for example, and colored lightbulbs in a lamp).
In contrast, i've known people on both sides of them breaking off a thing with someone or losing a lot of interest because the place was messy. Even if it wasn't a super swanky or kind of janky apartment, clean always beat a nice building that was a complete mess inside the unit.
If i had to make a TL;DR it would be clean up, organize things so it's uncluttered, and then buy a couple weird quirky eye catchers/conversation starting silly room items at a thrift store for $5.99. Sparse and messy is collegey. Sparse and clean with a few silly things is a stylistic decision.
And really, look at the paintings/art section of your local large thrift store. Cool and hilarious stuff shows up in there. Put a couple things on your walls.
On preview, i think omnomnom is on to something. Everyone liked my place more including lady-guests when i got a cushy couch. It didn't look super nice, but it was pretty clean and tweed in a hipstery way. And comfortable enough that i passed out on it more than a few times even though my bed was six feet away. I just went for a stroll, saw someone failing at fitting in to a moving truck, and went "so uh... you gonna take that?". $0.00, which fit my budget well at the time.
posted by emptythought at 2:20 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
If the place is dirty or cluttered, or smells, or there's no mirror in the whole place, or I have to put my glasses on the floor because you don't own a bedside table: That's offputting.
If your couch is uncomfortable or your place is freezing or your towels are all like cardboard and have mystery stains, that's offputting.
If there is lots of stuff that's broken, like the kitchen cupboard won't close and the curtains are hanging off (or there are no curtains!), that's offputting.
If it looks like you might not have laundered your bedding recently, ugggggh.
If your place just looks like it is owned by someone who doesn't have a ton of cash, well, welcome to the world! That's pretty normal for people in their twenties. Lots of people don't have financial support from their parents. This is normal and fine. If it looked expensive, I'd worry you had a credit card habit or were generally financially irresponsible.
posted by emilyw at 2:32 AM on September 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
If your couch is uncomfortable or your place is freezing or your towels are all like cardboard and have mystery stains, that's offputting.
If there is lots of stuff that's broken, like the kitchen cupboard won't close and the curtains are hanging off (or there are no curtains!), that's offputting.
If it looks like you might not have laundered your bedding recently, ugggggh.
If your place just looks like it is owned by someone who doesn't have a ton of cash, well, welcome to the world! That's pretty normal for people in their twenties. Lots of people don't have financial support from their parents. This is normal and fine. If it looked expensive, I'd worry you had a credit card habit or were generally financially irresponsible.
posted by emilyw at 2:32 AM on September 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
The problem is that if things keep progressing, soon I'll invite her to my place, and I am not proud of where I currently live.
As a woman, I'd find very obvious insecurity about how you live a bit offputting. It's not the end of the world and could even be endearing.
But try to avoid apologizing for or explaining the state of your apartment. There's nothing wrong with mentioning that you're planning to get a new couch when you can afford it. But don't be all, "yeah, this is my apartment. Sorry."
Self assurance is attractive!
posted by Omnomnom at 3:16 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
As a woman, I'd find very obvious insecurity about how you live a bit offputting. It's not the end of the world and could even be endearing.
But try to avoid apologizing for or explaining the state of your apartment. There's nothing wrong with mentioning that you're planning to get a new couch when you can afford it. But don't be all, "yeah, this is my apartment. Sorry."
Self assurance is attractive!
posted by Omnomnom at 3:16 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
Just make sure it's clean. If you're worried, clean as best you can, then watch a few episodes of Hoarders. Makes your place look 100% better with no effort in 45 minutes.
Your 20s is when you're supposed to live in a dump with shitty second-hand furniture.
I'm in my 30s and I'm still carting around beat up crap I had from grad school. The only reason it's not from undergrad was because at that time, I could fit my life in one suitcase.
If she's into you and you're into her, your decor could be the perfect conversation starter for the economic changes young people must endure these days.
I also got a lot of mileage out of having a ton of books as conversation starters and welcoming people to my hovel in a slightly self-deprecating way, then moving right along to hosting whatever the person was there for.
Just have clean floors and surfaces, laundered towels and sheets, something to offer to drink (a little nice - glass of wine or something). Mutual attraction can make a dank cave seem like a honeymoon suite.
Also, don't mention the inheritance. That's an odd thing to interject at this point in a relationship - at any point, really, until finances are mingled *and* the inheritance is actually received.
posted by mibo at 3:26 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your 20s is when you're supposed to live in a dump with shitty second-hand furniture.
I'm in my 30s and I'm still carting around beat up crap I had from grad school. The only reason it's not from undergrad was because at that time, I could fit my life in one suitcase.
If she's into you and you're into her, your decor could be the perfect conversation starter for the economic changes young people must endure these days.
I also got a lot of mileage out of having a ton of books as conversation starters and welcoming people to my hovel in a slightly self-deprecating way, then moving right along to hosting whatever the person was there for.
Just have clean floors and surfaces, laundered towels and sheets, something to offer to drink (a little nice - glass of wine or something). Mutual attraction can make a dank cave seem like a honeymoon suite.
Also, don't mention the inheritance. That's an odd thing to interject at this point in a relationship - at any point, really, until finances are mingled *and* the inheritance is actually received.
posted by mibo at 3:26 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Came back to say: If she lives with her parents and is really into you, she's just going to be thrilled that you have your own place. Also, in the hierarchy of early adulthood independence, living in a "low class" apartment > living with parents by about a million. Don't overthink it.
posted by mibo at 3:28 AM on September 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by mibo at 3:28 AM on September 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
N'thing many of the above comments. Skip discussing your financial status. As to the state of your apartment, there is a world of difference between a decent thrifted couch and a grimy, smelly, stuffing falling out wreck. If you have the latter, GET RID OF IT NOW. Thrift something nice, then CLEAN IT THOROUGHLY. Vacuum, spray it with fabric freshener, thrift a nice sheet to cover. Do the same with table, chairs, whatever. The goal is to be proud of your living space, which you obviously aren't now. Get rid of clutter. Make it pleasant, bright and inviting.
(I have a feeling that the idea of telling her about your inheritance is a workaround so you don't have to make the effort to clean your place...my apologies if that is not the case. ) No one is going to fault you for having old furniture, if you are clean, tidy and organized.
posted by LaBellaStella at 3:43 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
(I have a feeling that the idea of telling her about your inheritance is a workaround so you don't have to make the effort to clean your place...my apologies if that is not the case. ) No one is going to fault you for having old furniture, if you are clean, tidy and organized.
posted by LaBellaStella at 3:43 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
When I was about your age what put me off about guys apartments were things like:
You turned your trash can into a giant bong. There is nowhere to put anything down because everything is covered in beer bottles. Your roommates ex-boss is living on the couch. There's no toilet paper. The only thing to "eat" is a bottle of vodka in the feezer.
Clean. Let in some fresh air. Wash your sheets, and have a spare clean towel and toilet paper. Buy food - enough to make pasta for dinner and something for snacks and breakfast. Buy something you know she likes - her favourite tea or something. You'll be fine!
Do not mention the inheritance - it hasn't happened yet and it's kinda weird.
posted by jrobin276 at 3:53 AM on September 11, 2015 [10 favorites]
You turned your trash can into a giant bong. There is nowhere to put anything down because everything is covered in beer bottles. Your roommates ex-boss is living on the couch. There's no toilet paper. The only thing to "eat" is a bottle of vodka in the feezer.
Clean. Let in some fresh air. Wash your sheets, and have a spare clean towel and toilet paper. Buy food - enough to make pasta for dinner and something for snacks and breakfast. Buy something you know she likes - her favourite tea or something. You'll be fine!
Do not mention the inheritance - it hasn't happened yet and it's kinda weird.
posted by jrobin276 at 3:53 AM on September 11, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think k8t (riiiight up the top) was right that the main concern is you seem like you are still in the college lifestyle stage. Others have good advice about making the place clean and inviting. If you invite her over to your clean but simple apartment, cook her a meal that involves vegetables (and does not involve ramen) and drink some wine out of real wine glasses. None of this has to be expensive but I think it communicates that you are an adult who does adult things, and not a college stage man-child.
posted by Cheese Monster at 4:24 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Cheese Monster at 4:24 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Speaking as a woman in her 30s with two kids, a spouse, a cat, and only old beat up furniture:
Furniture is totally overrated.
What is not overrated is cleanliness and lighting.
Keep your bathroom squeaky clean. Wash your floors and windows. Keep your bed made. Spic and span your kitchen and eating area and get as much natural light and fresh air in the apartment as you can. And some throw pillows and a couch slip can make a couch look a lot nicer than it may be.
If you feel it necessary, "I'm sorry if my couch is a bit beat up. I'm hoping to get a better one in a few months. This was left over from my last apartment."
A lot of really good people have low incomes. Many work hard. Many are kind. I really hope someday we really can move past judging people by what they have and focus more on who they are. If your new girlfriend does the latter already, then you have nothing to worry about. And if she does more of the former, well.......best you find out now. But I think you're going to be fine.
posted by zizzle at 4:25 AM on September 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Furniture is totally overrated.
What is not overrated is cleanliness and lighting.
Keep your bathroom squeaky clean. Wash your floors and windows. Keep your bed made. Spic and span your kitchen and eating area and get as much natural light and fresh air in the apartment as you can. And some throw pillows and a couch slip can make a couch look a lot nicer than it may be.
If you feel it necessary, "I'm sorry if my couch is a bit beat up. I'm hoping to get a better one in a few months. This was left over from my last apartment."
A lot of really good people have low incomes. Many work hard. Many are kind. I really hope someday we really can move past judging people by what they have and focus more on who they are. If your new girlfriend does the latter already, then you have nothing to worry about. And if she does more of the former, well.......best you find out now. But I think you're going to be fine.
posted by zizzle at 4:25 AM on September 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Nthing above advice that clean is more important than new/stylish. I don't care if a bed doesn't have a fancy headboard. I do care that the sheets don't smell like they haven't been washed in weeks. I don't care if the bathroom has a jacuzzi tub, I care if the bathroom is clean and stain-free and smells as such. No grody dishes in the sink or messes on the counter, that'd make me think of bugs.
Clutter in general creates a crowded look- try and tuck things in cabinets or closets if possible, to create cleaner lines. As for the furniture itself, if you have a shabby couch, drape a nice blanket over it. If you have old wood furniture, maybe spend a couple bucks on some polish or stain and make it look nicer. None of this is really a big deal, though.
When dating guys in the beginning stages, and seeing their living spaces for the first time, my senses were definitely more honed in on general care and attention they gave to keeping their place clean and livable, rather than the general value of their possessions.
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:32 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Clutter in general creates a crowded look- try and tuck things in cabinets or closets if possible, to create cleaner lines. As for the furniture itself, if you have a shabby couch, drape a nice blanket over it. If you have old wood furniture, maybe spend a couple bucks on some polish or stain and make it look nicer. None of this is really a big deal, though.
When dating guys in the beginning stages, and seeing their living spaces for the first time, my senses were definitely more honed in on general care and attention they gave to keeping their place clean and livable, rather than the general value of their possessions.
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:32 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
As long as the place is clean, doesn't smell. Do you have any beer themed decorations, or could your place be mistaken for a college students? Poor is usually fine for most women I know, but clean is not optional. Also it's stuff in good repair, it's ok to have cheap furniture, but has done attempt been made to keep it in good condition
posted by wwax at 5:51 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by wwax at 5:51 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
At one point in my early twenties, I dated an artist who lived in a pretty terrible apartment. I'm not really very materialistic, and I didn't care that he didn't have money when it came to things like going out to dinner. But his apartment was depressing to be inside. I actually think it doesn't necessarily take a lot of money to fix a place up. Most of my furniture, even now that I have a decent job, is high-quality stuff I got free or very cheap on Craigslist. If you're in a reasonably large city you could probably look on CL today and find an almost-new (or cool vintage) couch free. Same with a table, chairs, etc. If your walls are dingy, buy some paint--it makes a *huge* difference. In one apartment I went a little overboard and tore out the disgusting carpet (with the landlord's permission) and replaced it with laminate flooring I also got free on CL. And yes, obviously keep the place clean.
If she comes over, I don't see anything wrong with saying something like "Sorry, my place isn't in the greatest shape right now, but I'm looking forward to getting some new furniture in the next couple of months." With the ex I mentioned above, it bothered me a little that he didn't seem to care about the environment he lived in. But again, this isn't really about money (at least for me), it's about putting in some effort. Honestly, if it was me getting an inheritance, I'd still buy furniture on CL and invest the money wisely elsewhere.
posted by three_red_balloons at 5:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
If she comes over, I don't see anything wrong with saying something like "Sorry, my place isn't in the greatest shape right now, but I'm looking forward to getting some new furniture in the next couple of months." With the ex I mentioned above, it bothered me a little that he didn't seem to care about the environment he lived in. But again, this isn't really about money (at least for me), it's about putting in some effort. Honestly, if it was me getting an inheritance, I'd still buy furniture on CL and invest the money wisely elsewhere.
posted by three_red_balloons at 5:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Is there a cultural component I am missing? The talk about social status and inheritances and "precarious situation" is wildly out of my cultural context. It is generally understood that lower to middle class Americans will have a not-so-good apartment/job/financial situation in their 20s.
She would have to be outside this cultural context to find your apartment strange in any way, although I agree with previous posters that cleaning up and adding colorful throw blankets is likely to make your home seem more comfortable. But the fact that you are concerned at all about this makes me wonder if you guys are from another culture or something, making our advice kinda useless.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:18 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
She would have to be outside this cultural context to find your apartment strange in any way, although I agree with previous posters that cleaning up and adding colorful throw blankets is likely to make your home seem more comfortable. But the fact that you are concerned at all about this makes me wonder if you guys are from another culture or something, making our advice kinda useless.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:18 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
N'thing cleanliness is by far the biggest factor. I am still surprised at how many men (including men well into their 40s and 50s), live in more-or-less squalor. I've known guys who have lived in nice places with sinks/toilets/bathtubs that I wouldn't want to touch with a ten foot pole. And I don't think I have unrealistic ideas of how clean things should be. When that stuff is gross, it makes me wonder how clean the stuff that is less visible (like bedding) might be. Scrub all the kitchen/bathroom things, dust all the surfaces to make sure there isn't a layer of dirt covering everything, sweep the floor, vacuum any carpet so it's not gritty, air it out and tidy up everything else and you should be fine. If I'm dating a guy, I will probably have a general idea of whatever his financial situation is and am fine with it, otherwise I wouldn't be dating him. Not having money in itself would never bother me, but not noticing or taking care of your surroundings does.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:00 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by triggerfinger at 7:00 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Make sure it's clean. There's an AskMe from a few days ago about how to make your apartment presentable in an hour, so take that advice.
Hit the thrift stores for some accessories that you like, including some nice wine glasses and serving bowls for the dinner you will cook. Go to your hardware store and find the shelf of paint that's been returned and drop five bucks on it. Paint your crappy coffee table and end tables. Put a soft throw from the thrift store over your couch. You will be amazed at what $20 will do for your apartment.
Then stop worrying about it. And THEN get your new lady friend to help you. "I'm hopeless at decorating, what do you think I should do about X?" Hitting those thrift stores together would make a fun and inexpensive date!
posted by raisingsand at 7:04 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hit the thrift stores for some accessories that you like, including some nice wine glasses and serving bowls for the dinner you will cook. Go to your hardware store and find the shelf of paint that's been returned and drop five bucks on it. Paint your crappy coffee table and end tables. Put a soft throw from the thrift store over your couch. You will be amazed at what $20 will do for your apartment.
Then stop worrying about it. And THEN get your new lady friend to help you. "I'm hopeless at decorating, what do you think I should do about X?" Hitting those thrift stores together would make a fun and inexpensive date!
posted by raisingsand at 7:04 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing the cleanliness.
Thinking back, the only times I was put off by a guy's flat was if
a) he had big posters of nude/near-nude ladies on the walls
b) he had big posters of near-nude ladies on motorbikes
c) he hadn't put away the racy magazines in the bathroom
d) he had drug paraphernalia on the coffee table.
I think you are a step above that, aren't you? It'll be fine. And if it's not fine, she's not the one for you.
posted by kariebookish at 7:09 AM on September 11, 2015
Thinking back, the only times I was put off by a guy's flat was if
a) he had big posters of nude/near-nude ladies on the walls
b) he had big posters of near-nude ladies on motorbikes
c) he hadn't put away the racy magazines in the bathroom
d) he had drug paraphernalia on the coffee table.
I think you are a step above that, aren't you? It'll be fine. And if it's not fine, she's not the one for you.
posted by kariebookish at 7:09 AM on September 11, 2015
Own it. Don't feel the need to explain yourself unless she questions you. And if she does, just mention you're in a transitional phase.
I was there a year ago, and I am in my 30s. Had an extremely tiny apartment with NOTHING in it because I was in a transitional phase/trying out the whole minimalist, tiny house living thing/was determined that I was going to move cross country soon/was trying to eradicate distractions so that I could focus on my creative output rather than entertainment/THINGS. Turns out certain people do put a lot of stock in your possessions and your living space/possessions. Some don't. I think, for whatever reason, it gives people a surface level sense of your ability to be responsible/stable/etc.
But at least clean up and organize a bit.
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:13 AM on September 11, 2015
I was there a year ago, and I am in my 30s. Had an extremely tiny apartment with NOTHING in it because I was in a transitional phase/trying out the whole minimalist, tiny house living thing/was determined that I was going to move cross country soon/was trying to eradicate distractions so that I could focus on my creative output rather than entertainment/THINGS. Turns out certain people do put a lot of stock in your possessions and your living space/possessions. Some don't. I think, for whatever reason, it gives people a surface level sense of your ability to be responsible/stable/etc.
But at least clean up and organize a bit.
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:13 AM on September 11, 2015
I'm going to Nth the sentiment that "Clean" with "an adult lives here" vibe is what you want to aim for. Conversation about what you'd like to do to make the place nicer is totally normal and can be fun but there is no need to bring it up or talk about an inheritance. The latter could be off-putting (it might not be, but it's also not necessary to talk about)
For "clean": declutter (shove everything into a rubbermaid tub in the closet if you have to), dust, wipe clean high traffic areas of the wall (notice how paint around a lightswitch gets discolored), open the windows for fresh air. You might need a cover for your couch if it's stained.
For "an adult lives here": enough glasses and utensils for two adults to eat two consecutive meals without having to wash between the meals (they don't need to match, but my personal belief is that adults don't eat off or drink from plastic); bedside tables and coffee tables (so you can set your drinks down, or put your watch/eyeglasses/phone somewhere accessible); window coverings that are not sheets/blankets; basic foodstuff in the kitchen (eggs, butter, coffee with milk, bread, bowl of fruit, salt/pepper/some spices, pasta and a jar of sauce &c); basic cleaning stuff in the kitchen (sponge, dish soap, hand soap, paper towels, rag for spills); maybe a bottle of wine or whiskey, if you're drinking folks. Some wall decoration that is not random handbills from shows (unless they look curated and intentional, maybe framed?)
Bathrooms are a special category for both "clean" and "adult" and when I was in my 20s. I saw a lot of budding relationships crash & burn when the woman saw the man's bathroom. Scrub everything, including where the base of the toilet meets the floor. Have a shower curtain and a shower curtain liner. Soap in the shower and on the sink. Extra towels (bonus for having one for her body and one for her hair) for the shower, hand towels by the sink (not the same ones you use for the shower). Some low scent hand lotion by the sink. First aid supplies, including ibuprofen. A decent bathmat.
If you have only one bathroom, depersonalize it a little before hand because bathrooms can feel weirdly intimate to some people. For instance, some people are grossed out by reading material in the bathroom, so maybe take that out or put it under the sink. Put your prescription medications in the cabinet.
There are differing opinions as to whether you should stock feminine hygiene products--I am of the opinion you should not. However, I think keeping a basket of sample size toiletries around in case of guests (shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrushes) is always thoughtful.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:14 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
For "clean": declutter (shove everything into a rubbermaid tub in the closet if you have to), dust, wipe clean high traffic areas of the wall (notice how paint around a lightswitch gets discolored), open the windows for fresh air. You might need a cover for your couch if it's stained.
For "an adult lives here": enough glasses and utensils for two adults to eat two consecutive meals without having to wash between the meals (they don't need to match, but my personal belief is that adults don't eat off or drink from plastic); bedside tables and coffee tables (so you can set your drinks down, or put your watch/eyeglasses/phone somewhere accessible); window coverings that are not sheets/blankets; basic foodstuff in the kitchen (eggs, butter, coffee with milk, bread, bowl of fruit, salt/pepper/some spices, pasta and a jar of sauce &c); basic cleaning stuff in the kitchen (sponge, dish soap, hand soap, paper towels, rag for spills); maybe a bottle of wine or whiskey, if you're drinking folks. Some wall decoration that is not random handbills from shows (unless they look curated and intentional, maybe framed?)
Bathrooms are a special category for both "clean" and "adult" and when I was in my 20s. I saw a lot of budding relationships crash & burn when the woman saw the man's bathroom. Scrub everything, including where the base of the toilet meets the floor. Have a shower curtain and a shower curtain liner. Soap in the shower and on the sink. Extra towels (bonus for having one for her body and one for her hair) for the shower, hand towels by the sink (not the same ones you use for the shower). Some low scent hand lotion by the sink. First aid supplies, including ibuprofen. A decent bathmat.
If you have only one bathroom, depersonalize it a little before hand because bathrooms can feel weirdly intimate to some people. For instance, some people are grossed out by reading material in the bathroom, so maybe take that out or put it under the sink. Put your prescription medications in the cabinet.
There are differing opinions as to whether you should stock feminine hygiene products--I am of the opinion you should not. However, I think keeping a basket of sample size toiletries around in case of guests (shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrushes) is always thoughtful.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:14 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Should I somehow casually mention this incoming change before she visits my apartment?
Fine: You can say to her once that you live in a really humble place and you're insecure about it and that you'll be moving soon, but that's it.
Not fine: "Oh dahling, please do excuuuuse my living like one of those poor people, I'll be remedying THAT situation soon enough! You'll like me better when I'm rich."
I fear that she might get a wrong impression of me based on my temporarily precarious situation.
I mean...who do you want to be in this world? Who do you want to keep company with? Address the situation based on your answers to those questions. If you want to be with someone who loathes poor people, be that. If you don't, don't continue to be with someone who thinks that way.
She already knows you and has formed an impression of you. I guarantee that your place being filthy or overly juvenile will be a way bigger deal than what you pay in rent or what part of town you live in (which surely she knows by now?).
Class anxiety sucks. You will live a happier life if you get a grip on it, and getting rich isn't going to make it go away. In the meantime, be very careful about assuming that other people share your feelings because it is easy to offend that way.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:03 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Fine: You can say to her once that you live in a really humble place and you're insecure about it and that you'll be moving soon, but that's it.
Not fine: "Oh dahling, please do excuuuuse my living like one of those poor people, I'll be remedying THAT situation soon enough! You'll like me better when I'm rich."
I fear that she might get a wrong impression of me based on my temporarily precarious situation.
I mean...who do you want to be in this world? Who do you want to keep company with? Address the situation based on your answers to those questions. If you want to be with someone who loathes poor people, be that. If you don't, don't continue to be with someone who thinks that way.
She already knows you and has formed an impression of you. I guarantee that your place being filthy or overly juvenile will be a way bigger deal than what you pay in rent or what part of town you live in (which surely she knows by now?).
Class anxiety sucks. You will live a happier life if you get a grip on it, and getting rich isn't going to make it go away. In the meantime, be very careful about assuming that other people share your feelings because it is easy to offend that way.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:03 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Young women are incredibly forgiving and understanding when dating men, (oftentimes to their own detriment; you can see what they put up with right here on the green).
You really don't have to insecure about it. Just tidy up. I'd bet you anything she's going to be very kind about it, because that's how we're socialized.
posted by discopolo at 8:37 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
You really don't have to insecure about it. Just tidy up. I'd bet you anything she's going to be very kind about it, because that's how we're socialized.
posted by discopolo at 8:37 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Be tidy.
If she came from poverty and her family worked their way up, she's much less likely to be put off by slightly tattered possessions. If you came from money (sort of) and have fallen to this point, it's probably much more embarassing to you than it would be to her.
I came from poverty (a family that got gradually more middle-class as I grew up, though never really comfortable) and I am always a little comforted when someone I date has a little experience with not having all new things, all perfect things, etc. It's a big hurdle for a lot of middle/upper-middle class people to get over! So better if they understand a bit what it's like to live on a shoestring, instead of shuddering every time you visit your family, etc.
I think it's fine to mention that you're at a transitional point, or that you're being frugal for the moment because you're working toward a goal, but don't talk about inherentances please. To me, that would be weirdly compensatory and alien and offputting. Anyone who would go "OH GOOD" is not really a person you want to hang with.
posted by easter queen at 8:51 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
If she came from poverty and her family worked their way up, she's much less likely to be put off by slightly tattered possessions. If you came from money (sort of) and have fallen to this point, it's probably much more embarassing to you than it would be to her.
I came from poverty (a family that got gradually more middle-class as I grew up, though never really comfortable) and I am always a little comforted when someone I date has a little experience with not having all new things, all perfect things, etc. It's a big hurdle for a lot of middle/upper-middle class people to get over! So better if they understand a bit what it's like to live on a shoestring, instead of shuddering every time you visit your family, etc.
I think it's fine to mention that you're at a transitional point, or that you're being frugal for the moment because you're working toward a goal, but don't talk about inherentances please. To me, that would be weirdly compensatory and alien and offputting. Anyone who would go "OH GOOD" is not really a person you want to hang with.
posted by easter queen at 8:51 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
The things that make an apartment seem nice & livable to me are that it's clean, not too cluttered, has plenty of light (natural light is nice but not necessary - sufficient light is necessary), and doesn't smell musty. Battered / old / mismatched furniture is a total non-issue. A dark, cluttered, and dirty apartment is offputting, even if it's big and has nice furniture.
If you clean your apartment, put whatever clutter you have out of sight, open the windows (if possible - fans are good if not), and have both soap and clean towels in the bathroom, and have clean sheets on the bed, you're way, way ahead of many men in their 20s.
posted by insectosaurus at 9:34 AM on September 11, 2015
If you clean your apartment, put whatever clutter you have out of sight, open the windows (if possible - fans are good if not), and have both soap and clean towels in the bathroom, and have clean sheets on the bed, you're way, way ahead of many men in their 20s.
posted by insectosaurus at 9:34 AM on September 11, 2015
Early 20s? It would be more noteworthy if you DIDN'T live in a somewhat shabby place. It sounds like you've inherited some anxieties from your parents around being ~shamefully low class~ when really you're just in your early 20s and therefore have no money because, hello, early 20s!
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:39 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:39 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
A bit of armchair psychologizing. You may have some internalized shame about the family fall from prosperity and social standing. You sound like you hate and are ashamed of where you live. You can recognize that social standing is another way of saying class, and that it's not necessarily a positive social construct. Be grateful for any benefits of your upbringing, but abandon the sense of class; it's not helping you. For the most part, children of the wealthy migrate back to middle incomes.
You can have beat up used furniture, but you can still make it a home. Is the paint decent? Do you have any artwork, even posters or postcards, up? Window coverings? is it really clean, and does it smell okay? You could post some pictures of the place, and we could help you make it a bit better, maybe in a fresh ask.me.
You are who you are, and you sound like a nice person. So does she. Make the place as pleasant as possible, and then move on. I wouldn't mention the impending inheritance, as it could easily come off as pretentious. And I would recommend putting as much as possible of it into savings, and probably into your education.
posted by theora55 at 10:42 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can have beat up used furniture, but you can still make it a home. Is the paint decent? Do you have any artwork, even posters or postcards, up? Window coverings? is it really clean, and does it smell okay? You could post some pictures of the place, and we could help you make it a bit better, maybe in a fresh ask.me.
You are who you are, and you sound like a nice person. So does she. Make the place as pleasant as possible, and then move on. I wouldn't mention the impending inheritance, as it could easily come off as pretentious. And I would recommend putting as much as possible of it into savings, and probably into your education.
posted by theora55 at 10:42 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
My husband lived in a sparse grad-school apartment when I met him. There wasn't any couch at all! Just a chair and a thrifted table. It was super tidy, though, and I remember being dead impressed that he had two thriving houseplants -- it implied that while he wasn't the kind of person to "decorate", he did have the capacity to care for & nurture things.
posted by apparently at 10:59 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by apparently at 10:59 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think apparently is right on the money.
I also think that you should go out and buy two hale and hearty looking houseplants right now. It will impress your date, and if you end up sticking together or getting married down the road, you can tell the cute story of how you got that advice and went out to get houseplants to impress her. Thumbs up.
posted by easter queen at 11:21 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also think that you should go out and buy two hale and hearty looking houseplants right now. It will impress your date, and if you end up sticking together or getting married down the road, you can tell the cute story of how you got that advice and went out to get houseplants to impress her. Thumbs up.
posted by easter queen at 11:21 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm 29 and the apartment you describe wouldn't make me or anyone else I know think twice.
What would seriously concern me would be:
1. A guy thinking that his income level is super important to women in general or me in particular (suggesting misogyny or massively misreading me, respectively)
2. A guy showing that he cares a lot about status symbols/showing off his money/keeping up appearances (suggesting that he's insecure and/or not very interested in or capable of saving money)
3. A guy mentioning income or inheritance in a defensive and/or enticing way, as if he thinks the amount of money he has would change my level of interest in dating him. (see #1 for why this would be both offensive and very concerning for me)
*I should clarify that shared financial goals and regular income (enough to survive without support from anyone) are both extremely important to me, but those are very different from just having and/or displaying evidence of large amounts of money.
posted by randomnity at 1:26 PM on September 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
What would seriously concern me would be:
1. A guy thinking that his income level is super important to women in general or me in particular (suggesting misogyny or massively misreading me, respectively)
2. A guy showing that he cares a lot about status symbols/showing off his money/keeping up appearances (suggesting that he's insecure and/or not very interested in or capable of saving money)
3. A guy mentioning income or inheritance in a defensive and/or enticing way, as if he thinks the amount of money he has would change my level of interest in dating him. (see #1 for why this would be both offensive and very concerning for me)
*I should clarify that shared financial goals and regular income (enough to survive without support from anyone) are both extremely important to me, but those are very different from just having and/or displaying evidence of large amounts of money.
posted by randomnity at 1:26 PM on September 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
I think I came off a little harsh - I'd like to add the caveat that as long as it's clear that misogyny isn't the cause, a little insecurity isn't a huge deal. Everyone's insecure about some things, it's human. And realistically, the sexist idea that women care a lot about money is awfully pervasive around the world, and it doesn't make you a bad person if you haven't really examined that idea critically before.
Plus another caveat that some people (male or female) do care about income and status symbols like new furniture and a fancy home. I tend to think that weeding those people out is a net win, but you are certainly free to disagree. Happily, from your description it really doesn't sound like your girlfriend is in that category anyway.
posted by randomnity at 1:37 PM on September 11, 2015
Plus another caveat that some people (male or female) do care about income and status symbols like new furniture and a fancy home. I tend to think that weeding those people out is a net win, but you are certainly free to disagree. Happily, from your description it really doesn't sound like your girlfriend is in that category anyway.
posted by randomnity at 1:37 PM on September 11, 2015
When and if she starts to think about a future with you, she should care about your prospects a lot more than your current bank account or apartment.
If you're on your way to great things, your present poverty will remind her of her family's own story, which (if she's decent) she will regard as honorable and admirable.
I wouldn't mention an inheritance. Unless it's a HUGE amount of money it won't make a long-term difference -- the focus should be on what you are going to be doing for you.
posted by MattD at 2:34 PM on September 11, 2015
If you're on your way to great things, your present poverty will remind her of her family's own story, which (if she's decent) she will regard as honorable and admirable.
I wouldn't mention an inheritance. Unless it's a HUGE amount of money it won't make a long-term difference -- the focus should be on what you are going to be doing for you.
posted by MattD at 2:34 PM on September 11, 2015
When I was just out of high school, I craved my own car. I coveted the cars of my friends, even though they were broken down beaters. I even coveted my brother's shitty Suzuki Vitara. (When I later inherited it, I was still thrilled, and continued to be thrilled, because I had a car).
You have your own apartment, with all the independence and privacy that it entails. She lives with her parents. There's a lot to like about your apartment, even if you think it's a bit cheap or run down. As everyone above as said, stop worrying, and just clean your place. If she's worth dating, she likes you for you, and not your stuff.
And for dog's sake, don't talk up your impending cash as a reason for dating you. That will not make you seem like a nice person. It will make you sound very shallow indeed, and make it seem like you think that she's only interested in money - that will likely be very insulting.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:46 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
You have your own apartment, with all the independence and privacy that it entails. She lives with her parents. There's a lot to like about your apartment, even if you think it's a bit cheap or run down. As everyone above as said, stop worrying, and just clean your place. If she's worth dating, she likes you for you, and not your stuff.
And for dog's sake, don't talk up your impending cash as a reason for dating you. That will not make you seem like a nice person. It will make you sound very shallow indeed, and make it seem like you think that she's only interested in money - that will likely be very insulting.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:46 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
« Older I need me some (nugget) ice, ice baby! | What are some cool interactive websites I've... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Yet the inheritance thing seems a little strange. Is this going to be so much money that you're going to go out and buy a bunch of furniture?
If it matters to you and making your home look nicer is a potential solution to this problem, it is pretty easy to get decent looking furniture at Goodwill or garage sales. You could probably get a less beat up couch and table and chairs for under $100 total at Goodwill tomorrow. And heck, even if you're inheriting a ton, decent furniture from Goodwill is totally fine.
posted by k8t at 11:07 PM on September 10, 2015 [10 favorites]