Can/should I avoid visiting my hometown indefinitely?
September 9, 2015 5:11 AM Subscribe
About five years ago, shortly after my 21st birthday, I was drugged and sexually assaulted by a prominent, beloved person from the rural community where I grew up. My parents still live in the same town, and desperately want me to visit. Potentially running into my rapist is... not a can of worms I want to open. Neither is explaining the situation to my parents. How should I handle this? (trigger warning -description of sexual assault under the cut)
My parents do know that I was sexually assaulted in my apartment (I had initially planned not to tell anyone other than my therapist, but I was acting "weird"/depressed for months after the assault, and I eventually broke down and told them a condensed version of what happened). What they DON'T know is that the person who assaulted me is someone they know fairly well and hold in very high regard; he was my favorite teacher in high school (and remained something of a professional mentor to me while I was in college), was a well-liked local politician for a long time, and is active in some of the same charities/clubs as my mother.
Here's the (true, but incomplete) version my parents know: I invited an acquaintance to my house for dinner, to catch up. We had a bottle of wine with dinner. He drugged my drink, waited a while for it to kick in, raped me, and then left before I regained consciousness.
It took me days to piece together what happened, and I spent months obsessing over the "how" and "why" of it. After years of working through it, I've been able to (mostly) let go of the self-blame. Given my rapist's MO, I think it's extremely unlikely that I'm the only person he has done this to.
I currently live in a city about 4 hours away from this choice human being; I was expecting that visiting my parents would get easier as time passed, but it has been the opposite: I haven't visited in a year or so. The longer I go without running into, or hearing about, the person who assaulted me, the more adamant I am about my desire never to see or speak to him again. Every time my parents ask me to visit, I tell them that I'm busy with work or that my car isn't reliable. It hurts their feelings that I've gone so long without visiting, as they love having me around. I miss them too (they're getting older and it will soon start getting harder for them to come visit me), and I miss being able to visit my childhood home, which is on an idyllic property that would (in an ideal world) be a lovely little retreat from my currently-very-stressful life. But the mere thought of running into my rapist (again, VERY small town, and he's in my parents' social circle) and having to acknowledge him or make small talk with him makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Why can't I just tell my parents that their friend is my rapist? Because they'd be devastated to know that they encouraged me to spend time with someone who went on to hurt me, and because my dad has a personality where he can't let injustices go... he would, if not outright beat the shit out of the guy, confront him and cause some kind of scene. Gossip about me -- what I did to "provoke" the attack, and whether or not it even happened -- would almost certainly follow. I know my rapist did some "damage control" right after the assault, confiding in his wife and others that he had a consensual fling with me. I HAVE run into his wife on a visit, and I will never forget the glare of disgust and hatred she gave me.
tl;dr I would LIKE to visit my parents and hometown. But not as much as I would DISLIKE having to relive or rehash any aspect of my rape.
I have seen a therapist to help me deal with the aftermath of the rape, and I found her very helpful, but it's not impacting my life enough these days for me to need weekly therapy sessions. I'm open to the idea of seeking therapy again if it seems necessary.
I would love to hear advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation (AND advice from other wise, compassionate MeFites).
My parents do know that I was sexually assaulted in my apartment (I had initially planned not to tell anyone other than my therapist, but I was acting "weird"/depressed for months after the assault, and I eventually broke down and told them a condensed version of what happened). What they DON'T know is that the person who assaulted me is someone they know fairly well and hold in very high regard; he was my favorite teacher in high school (and remained something of a professional mentor to me while I was in college), was a well-liked local politician for a long time, and is active in some of the same charities/clubs as my mother.
Here's the (true, but incomplete) version my parents know: I invited an acquaintance to my house for dinner, to catch up. We had a bottle of wine with dinner. He drugged my drink, waited a while for it to kick in, raped me, and then left before I regained consciousness.
It took me days to piece together what happened, and I spent months obsessing over the "how" and "why" of it. After years of working through it, I've been able to (mostly) let go of the self-blame. Given my rapist's MO, I think it's extremely unlikely that I'm the only person he has done this to.
I currently live in a city about 4 hours away from this choice human being; I was expecting that visiting my parents would get easier as time passed, but it has been the opposite: I haven't visited in a year or so. The longer I go without running into, or hearing about, the person who assaulted me, the more adamant I am about my desire never to see or speak to him again. Every time my parents ask me to visit, I tell them that I'm busy with work or that my car isn't reliable. It hurts their feelings that I've gone so long without visiting, as they love having me around. I miss them too (they're getting older and it will soon start getting harder for them to come visit me), and I miss being able to visit my childhood home, which is on an idyllic property that would (in an ideal world) be a lovely little retreat from my currently-very-stressful life. But the mere thought of running into my rapist (again, VERY small town, and he's in my parents' social circle) and having to acknowledge him or make small talk with him makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Why can't I just tell my parents that their friend is my rapist? Because they'd be devastated to know that they encouraged me to spend time with someone who went on to hurt me, and because my dad has a personality where he can't let injustices go... he would, if not outright beat the shit out of the guy, confront him and cause some kind of scene. Gossip about me -- what I did to "provoke" the attack, and whether or not it even happened -- would almost certainly follow. I know my rapist did some "damage control" right after the assault, confiding in his wife and others that he had a consensual fling with me. I HAVE run into his wife on a visit, and I will never forget the glare of disgust and hatred she gave me.
tl;dr I would LIKE to visit my parents and hometown. But not as much as I would DISLIKE having to relive or rehash any aspect of my rape.
I have seen a therapist to help me deal with the aftermath of the rape, and I found her very helpful, but it's not impacting my life enough these days for me to need weekly therapy sessions. I'm open to the idea of seeking therapy again if it seems necessary.
I would love to hear advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation (AND advice from other wise, compassionate MeFites).
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I feel, to a possibly lesser extent, the horror and disgust that the idea of seeing that person again must stir up.
Here are some options I thought of for you. Firstly, could you stay a little out of town, perhaps at an actual retreat of some kind, or with someone you know who still lives nearish, and just come into town to pick up your parents to go on day trips to other places?
Secondly, could you, instead of spending time with your parents at their home, go on holiday together? Even if its somewhere that's not far from where they live - maybe to a nearby place of beauty or the coast.
Lastly - even if you can't tell them who it is, you could still tell them that coming back to that town gives you flashbacks to the trauma you experienced. If you help them to understand why it's so hard for you, without mentioning any more detail (which is yours to keep to yourself), perhaps they'll be more amiable to other options.
Again I'm so sorry and please memail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by greenish at 5:48 AM on September 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
Here are some options I thought of for you. Firstly, could you stay a little out of town, perhaps at an actual retreat of some kind, or with someone you know who still lives nearish, and just come into town to pick up your parents to go on day trips to other places?
Secondly, could you, instead of spending time with your parents at their home, go on holiday together? Even if its somewhere that's not far from where they live - maybe to a nearby place of beauty or the coast.
Lastly - even if you can't tell them who it is, you could still tell them that coming back to that town gives you flashbacks to the trauma you experienced. If you help them to understand why it's so hard for you, without mentioning any more detail (which is yours to keep to yourself), perhaps they'll be more amiable to other options.
Again I'm so sorry and please memail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by greenish at 5:48 AM on September 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
Mod note: A couple of comments deleted. Folks, I will officially ask that everyone concentrate on the specific question here, which is "Can/should I avoid visiting my hometown indefinitely," and suggestions that will help with that problem. Please don't make arguments that OP should do things that they've said they do not want to do, and please also note that they have said they're especially interested in hearing from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 7:17 AM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 7:17 AM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it would seem reasonable to tell your parents you don't want to be in town in case you run into that acquaintance again, without having to point out specifically that it's Mr. Friendly, everyone's beloved English teacher. I think you have to indicate some reason why you don't want to go home eventually, but I think you could maybe get away without saying who it is, especially if they already know something bad happened.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:30 AM on September 9, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:30 AM on September 9, 2015 [15 favorites]
It would be difficult, but worthwhile, to tell your parents that the reason you're uncomfortable with visiting is because of the rape. They probably feel bad as if you were avoiding them, and a little bit of explanation would be uncomfortable in the short term but helpful in the big picture.
Nthing other suggestions that you meet the family somewhere other than in their hometown, or that you drive directly to their house with the condition that you won't leave the house all weekend and they don't tell anyone that you'll be there. This kind of stipulation would be confusing or hurtful out of the blue, but when paired with your explanation of why you haven't been coming home, I bet they will be happy to help make this as easy a trip as possible for you IF that's what you want. OR, you don't have to want to come back to hometown at all, you can tell them that's why you'll never go to that town again. It's really your decision.
posted by aimedwander at 7:55 AM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Nthing other suggestions that you meet the family somewhere other than in their hometown, or that you drive directly to their house with the condition that you won't leave the house all weekend and they don't tell anyone that you'll be there. This kind of stipulation would be confusing or hurtful out of the blue, but when paired with your explanation of why you haven't been coming home, I bet they will be happy to help make this as easy a trip as possible for you IF that's what you want. OR, you don't have to want to come back to hometown at all, you can tell them that's why you'll never go to that town again. It's really your decision.
posted by aimedwander at 7:55 AM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yes, how do you feel about a weekend in at your parents' house? Like, you show up Friday night, you order in or cook at home, Saturday you keep on eating and watch some Netflix and/or go through old family photos and/or help them out with a home improvement project, Sunday morning cook a big fancy brunch and then you head home?
Obviously this depends on your family and what they do/who they hang out with. Like, I can generally go stay with my dad and be pretty certain I'm not going to see anyone who's not in my immediate family. Also my family likes to do things where there's a very low chance of accidentally running into people you know - going hiking, or something like that. If your family spends the weekends hanging out at the diner or gossiping at Walmart or having a steady stream of friends over, this might not be possible, at least not without a lot of negotiating and explaining.
If you don't want to go back to your hometown, I think that is totally fine, but it's probably going to be hard on your parents and you need to balance those outcomes and maybe get creative about finding ways about spending time with them (and explaining as much as you can to them so that they understand better, if it is safe for you to do so).
posted by mskyle at 8:06 AM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Obviously this depends on your family and what they do/who they hang out with. Like, I can generally go stay with my dad and be pretty certain I'm not going to see anyone who's not in my immediate family. Also my family likes to do things where there's a very low chance of accidentally running into people you know - going hiking, or something like that. If your family spends the weekends hanging out at the diner or gossiping at Walmart or having a steady stream of friends over, this might not be possible, at least not without a lot of negotiating and explaining.
If you don't want to go back to your hometown, I think that is totally fine, but it's probably going to be hard on your parents and you need to balance those outcomes and maybe get creative about finding ways about spending time with them (and explaining as much as you can to them so that they understand better, if it is safe for you to do so).
posted by mskyle at 8:06 AM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seconding aimedwander. I am a rape survivor whose rapist who was held in high esteem and had tons of social clout. I knew that if I had formally accused him, he and his well-connected friends would have destroyed me and I probably would've dropped out of university (it happened there).
I understand why you don't want to name your rapist to your parents; the gossip aspect certainly stopped me in my tracks too, although eventually I named him to very close friends so that they could help me avoid him. But I wouldn't avoid your hometown. It sounds like your parents' home really is a place where you can get away from your normal life's stresses, and that's so much more valuable than you think it is. If you can negotiate an avoidance plan with your parents (without naming him unless you eventually want to), try to hold onto that for as long as you can.
posted by Ashen at 8:07 AM on September 9, 2015
I understand why you don't want to name your rapist to your parents; the gossip aspect certainly stopped me in my tracks too, although eventually I named him to very close friends so that they could help me avoid him. But I wouldn't avoid your hometown. It sounds like your parents' home really is a place where you can get away from your normal life's stresses, and that's so much more valuable than you think it is. If you can negotiate an avoidance plan with your parents (without naming him unless you eventually want to), try to hold onto that for as long as you can.
posted by Ashen at 8:07 AM on September 9, 2015
I had a similar reluctance to visit the borough my rape happened in. I found PTSD therapy extremely helpful - I'm never going to hang out there for fun, but I can go there on my own if I need to without having a panic attack, whereas before I couldn't even get on a train that was due to go through the area (even with other people, and even if I was actually getting off at an earlier stop). My rapist was actually in prison but I still became hysterical at the thought of revisiting.
My therapy involved visualisation and eventually visiting the area with my therapist. We built up to walking along the road I was abducted from, and finally visiting the site of the actual rape. It wasn't great, but nothing actually happened. Just a normal road, not the terrifying place in my head. I've driven through a few times since and it was ok. Still not much fun, but ok. If you actually do want to go back, you can use therapy to get you to that stage (if you don't want to that is fine - in my case it was limiting my life and I wanted to get past it).
I'd definitely explain to your parents why you don't want to visit - my mum is hardly the most sensitive person to mental health issues but she did understand that I had PTSD and wasn't doing certain things for good reason. She certainly would never have expected me to risk bumping into my rapist. Your parents do know you were raped, so they should understand that too. Can they visit you instead? They are probably worried that either a) you're annoyed with them for some reason, or b) you're avoiding socialising in general because you're properly depressed, rather than just avoiding seeing your rapist.
posted by tinkletown at 8:16 AM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
My therapy involved visualisation and eventually visiting the area with my therapist. We built up to walking along the road I was abducted from, and finally visiting the site of the actual rape. It wasn't great, but nothing actually happened. Just a normal road, not the terrifying place in my head. I've driven through a few times since and it was ok. Still not much fun, but ok. If you actually do want to go back, you can use therapy to get you to that stage (if you don't want to that is fine - in my case it was limiting my life and I wanted to get past it).
I'd definitely explain to your parents why you don't want to visit - my mum is hardly the most sensitive person to mental health issues but she did understand that I had PTSD and wasn't doing certain things for good reason. She certainly would never have expected me to risk bumping into my rapist. Your parents do know you were raped, so they should understand that too. Can they visit you instead? They are probably worried that either a) you're annoyed with them for some reason, or b) you're avoiding socialising in general because you're properly depressed, rather than just avoiding seeing your rapist.
posted by tinkletown at 8:16 AM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
If the above suggestions would work with your parents, and it sounds like it may for a time, since they have not probed further about the identity of the assailant, I think you could go for that as long as you need to and can.
I do think it may be difficult to do that for very long, though. Since it's such a small place, I think it may be difficult to prevent them from trying to figure out who it was, on their own, once they know your assailant is based in your town. (It's possible they may piece it together, from the timing of your assailant's visit, and his behaviour, including his "damage control" efforts, if they've heard about them.)
I can't even imagine the pain of seeing your assailant, and certainly can't weigh it against other factors. With regard to some of your concerns, though:
Because they'd be devastated to know that they encouraged me to spend time with someone who went on to hurt me,
They may, for a time. But the truth is that they're no more to blame than you are - your rapist is extremely skilled at manipulation. They may be positioned to recognize this.
Gossip about me -- what I did to "provoke" the attack, and whether or not it even happened -- would almost certainly follow. I know my rapist did some "damage control" right after the assault, confiding in his wife and others that he had a consensual fling with me. I HAVE run into his wife on a visit, and I will never forget the glare of disgust and hatred she gave me.
Sadly, I think you're not wrong that some people may question you if the truth comes out. On the other hand, in such a small place, it is possible that stories may already be circulating about you, based on his lies. One way of looking at it might be that if you're going to be exposed to gossip one way or another, it might as well be about the truth. Some people will believe you; some may have reason to.
my dad has a personality where he can't let injustices go... he would, if not outright beat the shit out of the guy, confront him and cause some kind of scene.
Maybe he deserves to have the shit beaten out of him. I can understand wanting to avoid a public scene, though, of course.
I am so sorry that the anguish of this decision is another cost you are having to pay for his crime.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:20 AM on September 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
I do think it may be difficult to do that for very long, though. Since it's such a small place, I think it may be difficult to prevent them from trying to figure out who it was, on their own, once they know your assailant is based in your town. (It's possible they may piece it together, from the timing of your assailant's visit, and his behaviour, including his "damage control" efforts, if they've heard about them.)
I can't even imagine the pain of seeing your assailant, and certainly can't weigh it against other factors. With regard to some of your concerns, though:
Because they'd be devastated to know that they encouraged me to spend time with someone who went on to hurt me,
They may, for a time. But the truth is that they're no more to blame than you are - your rapist is extremely skilled at manipulation. They may be positioned to recognize this.
Gossip about me -- what I did to "provoke" the attack, and whether or not it even happened -- would almost certainly follow. I know my rapist did some "damage control" right after the assault, confiding in his wife and others that he had a consensual fling with me. I HAVE run into his wife on a visit, and I will never forget the glare of disgust and hatred she gave me.
Sadly, I think you're not wrong that some people may question you if the truth comes out. On the other hand, in such a small place, it is possible that stories may already be circulating about you, based on his lies. One way of looking at it might be that if you're going to be exposed to gossip one way or another, it might as well be about the truth. Some people will believe you; some may have reason to.
my dad has a personality where he can't let injustices go... he would, if not outright beat the shit out of the guy, confront him and cause some kind of scene.
Maybe he deserves to have the shit beaten out of him. I can understand wanting to avoid a public scene, though, of course.
I am so sorry that the anguish of this decision is another cost you are having to pay for his crime.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:20 AM on September 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
I did go home, sparingly. My rapist did his best to give me my space and make amends. Even with that, I have spent most of my life as far away as I could arrange.
What you describe is far beyond "oops, we got drunk and bad things happened and I feel wronged but I also can see that maybe he didn't mean to take advantage" which happens a fair amount in date rape situations. This man is a clear predator, not someone who made a mistake. And your mother has social contact with him.
Since your parents know about the rape, it sounds like it is time to tell them that is the reason you haven't been visiting. I might also express concern that mom is not safe either, perhaps saying something like "It is such a small town, this man is clearly a predator and I worry for your welfare. I wish you would move. The reason I haven't visited is my fear of running into this man. I would love to visit you and I miss you terribly, but Hometown feels very unsafe to me. I am not avoiding you. I am avoiding him. I would be thrilled to see you under other circumstances. I am sorry I was not more up front about this, it is just such an icky topic and I didn't want to bring it up."
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
posted by Michele in California at 10:56 AM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
What you describe is far beyond "oops, we got drunk and bad things happened and I feel wronged but I also can see that maybe he didn't mean to take advantage" which happens a fair amount in date rape situations. This man is a clear predator, not someone who made a mistake. And your mother has social contact with him.
Since your parents know about the rape, it sounds like it is time to tell them that is the reason you haven't been visiting. I might also express concern that mom is not safe either, perhaps saying something like "It is such a small town, this man is clearly a predator and I worry for your welfare. I wish you would move. The reason I haven't visited is my fear of running into this man. I would love to visit you and I miss you terribly, but Hometown feels very unsafe to me. I am not avoiding you. I am avoiding him. I would be thrilled to see you under other circumstances. I am sorry I was not more up front about this, it is just such an icky topic and I didn't want to bring it up."
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
posted by Michele in California at 10:56 AM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm a therapist who works often with survivors of sexual assault. What I tell them is that if they decide they want to avoid X [whatever or wherever or whomever that might be] forever, that can be a totally healthy choice, but if they're avoiding X due to fear or anxiety -- especially if it's keeping them from doing things they'd otherwise want to do -- then that's a trigger we should work on defusing.
As you've noted, avoiding triggers longterm can often make them stronger: Someone feels anxious about doing X --> They avoid X --> They feel better --> Their brain learns that avoiding X makes them feel better. Every instance of avoidance reinforces the pathways in the brain saying "X is too scary and I couldn't handle it!" Which also reinforces a narrative about the survivor being weak or helpless or powerless. Working with a therapist skilled in PTSD treatment (even if you don't have a formal PTSD diagnosis) may help you work toward taking some of the power away from that home=scary pathway and reclaim some power for yourself.
Also, many survivors of assault go through healing in stages, generally dealing first with survival/crisis issues and secondly with "getting back to normal," which often involves kind of "walling off" all memories of the trauma and "moving on," which is a good coping mechanism at the time but may not work longterm. A great deal of the time, often many years or decades later, the opportunity for the next stage of healing comes along, in which the trauma can be integrated into the survivor's life -- not a huge scary ball of pain sitting in a back corner waiting to pounce if triggered, but instead a horrible-but-survivable event that happened that doesn't have to dictate the survivor's identity or behaviors. By working through this stage of healing, survivors often find that they're much less triggered and much more able to speak about the trauma when they need or want to, and so they're much less controlled by trying to avoid any mention or memory of the traumatic event. When that stage starts, survivors can feel like they're moving backwards, like "Why is this coming up again?", but it can be a great time to make a lot of progress forward.
posted by jaguar at 1:40 PM on September 9, 2015 [16 favorites]
As you've noted, avoiding triggers longterm can often make them stronger: Someone feels anxious about doing X --> They avoid X --> They feel better --> Their brain learns that avoiding X makes them feel better. Every instance of avoidance reinforces the pathways in the brain saying "X is too scary and I couldn't handle it!" Which also reinforces a narrative about the survivor being weak or helpless or powerless. Working with a therapist skilled in PTSD treatment (even if you don't have a formal PTSD diagnosis) may help you work toward taking some of the power away from that home=scary pathway and reclaim some power for yourself.
Also, many survivors of assault go through healing in stages, generally dealing first with survival/crisis issues and secondly with "getting back to normal," which often involves kind of "walling off" all memories of the trauma and "moving on," which is a good coping mechanism at the time but may not work longterm. A great deal of the time, often many years or decades later, the opportunity for the next stage of healing comes along, in which the trauma can be integrated into the survivor's life -- not a huge scary ball of pain sitting in a back corner waiting to pounce if triggered, but instead a horrible-but-survivable event that happened that doesn't have to dictate the survivor's identity or behaviors. By working through this stage of healing, survivors often find that they're much less triggered and much more able to speak about the trauma when they need or want to, and so they're much less controlled by trying to avoid any mention or memory of the traumatic event. When that stage starts, survivors can feel like they're moving backwards, like "Why is this coming up again?", but it can be a great time to make a lot of progress forward.
posted by jaguar at 1:40 PM on September 9, 2015 [16 favorites]
But the mere thought of running into my rapist (again, VERY small town, and he's in my parents' social circle) and having to acknowledge him or make small talk with him makes me feel sick to my stomach.
tl;dr I would LIKE to visit my parents and hometown. But not as much as I would DISLIKE having to relive or rehash any aspect of my rape.
I think you need to figure out if your avoidance is about "Oh, ick, nasty feelings and I don't want to face them" or if those nasty feelings are rooted in a sense of on-going danger. My advice -- to just not go back and let your parents know why -- is posited on the idea that this man is one nasty piece of work and you are not safe around him in the here and now and into the future. Even if there is no reason to believe he would assault you again, it sounds like he would not hesitate to intentionally cause you problems pro-actively just to cover himself.
That is a separate issue from working through your feelings therapeutically. The best answer for you will come from making a clear distinction between those two issues and figuring out which one is at play in your current desire to not go back.
posted by Michele in California at 1:58 PM on September 9, 2015
tl;dr I would LIKE to visit my parents and hometown. But not as much as I would DISLIKE having to relive or rehash any aspect of my rape.
I think you need to figure out if your avoidance is about "Oh, ick, nasty feelings and I don't want to face them" or if those nasty feelings are rooted in a sense of on-going danger. My advice -- to just not go back and let your parents know why -- is posited on the idea that this man is one nasty piece of work and you are not safe around him in the here and now and into the future. Even if there is no reason to believe he would assault you again, it sounds like he would not hesitate to intentionally cause you problems pro-actively just to cover himself.
That is a separate issue from working through your feelings therapeutically. The best answer for you will come from making a clear distinction between those two issues and figuring out which one is at play in your current desire to not go back.
posted by Michele in California at 1:58 PM on September 9, 2015
I live in the same city as my rapist. I occasionally visit the university campus on which he works. Last year he contacted my husband.
These are all things that cause me distress on a fairly perpetual basis and no amount of 'home' or 'family' has made a difference to that distress. No amount of exposure has helped either - the key to exposure therapy is small controlled exposures and 'running into your rapist while you have coffee' is the opposite of exposure therapy.
In your case I would say "being home reminds me of when I was assaulted. I don't like to be in the area." and if necessary, something along the lines of "that asshole lied about me and told his wife we had a fling - I don't want to hear about him or see him." - it does mean your parents may make the connection, but it does damage control on both of those things and hopefully allows them to support you when you do visit and to not retraumatise you.
Personally I've come to the conclusion that to live here I live with a level of distress. When I leave here the distress lifts. I am unable to change that, although I am able to change how I deal with distress (yay mindfulness! boo drinking!).
(memail me if you want)
posted by geek anachronism at 4:43 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
These are all things that cause me distress on a fairly perpetual basis and no amount of 'home' or 'family' has made a difference to that distress. No amount of exposure has helped either - the key to exposure therapy is small controlled exposures and 'running into your rapist while you have coffee' is the opposite of exposure therapy.
In your case I would say "being home reminds me of when I was assaulted. I don't like to be in the area." and if necessary, something along the lines of "that asshole lied about me and told his wife we had a fling - I don't want to hear about him or see him." - it does mean your parents may make the connection, but it does damage control on both of those things and hopefully allows them to support you when you do visit and to not retraumatise you.
Personally I've come to the conclusion that to live here I live with a level of distress. When I leave here the distress lifts. I am unable to change that, although I am able to change how I deal with distress (yay mindfulness! boo drinking!).
(memail me if you want)
posted by geek anachronism at 4:43 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm so sorry this happened, and that you're in this situation. To address a tiny, tiny part of what you wrote: it's perfectly fine to contact your therapist and just go for one or two sessions, to work though something. Therapy can (should!) be on an as-needed basis, not a lifelong commitment to weekly sessions. I've found it very helpful in the past to talk to a neutral, trusted person for an hur or so when working out an issue.
posted by third word on a random page at 5:25 AM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]