Help me not live in a garbage can.
September 8, 2015 4:23 AM   Subscribe

My apartment is very messy and I need a one time deep cleaning thing. Help?

I became unemployed and went into a depressive episode that lasted several months. Cleaning went by the wayside. I became employed again, but worked a lot of hours. I'd come home and just do the bare minimum because I was tired and wanted to spend what little time I had doing other things.

My apartment is now gross. I don't want people to visit. Looking at my apartment makes me tired and sad. It's getting worse.

I want someone to come in with supplies and do a one time deep clean with me without a lot of judgement, pulling faces, calling services, etc. I just want to clean up, takes a breath, and start over.

How do I find that person at a reasonable price in central NJ? My anon gmail is: amaskandacape@gmail.com
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (13 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
I want someone to come in with supplies and do a one time deep clean with me without a lot of judgement, pulling faces, calling services, etc. I just want to clean up, takes a breath, and start over.

I am not in NJ, but around here there are a lot of cleaning services. Some of them are larger companies, and most are one-person operations that often work under the table for cash. You can find the first in the phone book or online, and you find the second by asking around -- the choice between the two is really a matter of preference. Either will do exactly what you want, a one-time deep cleaning. I'm guessing that you probably want someone who will bring their own supplies and will haul off any trash after.

This is routine work for them and shouldn't be complicated to arrange or come with any attitude or judgement.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:11 AM on September 8, 2015


Call a cleaning service and explain your situation. They can tell you if it's possible. I'm thinking large cleaning companies are in the business of maintenance. A smaller, more informal service may have someone who can get down and dirty with you, and you may be able to use your own cleaning supplies. Be willing to pay a premium for this type of service. I have heard that cleaning services have deep cleaning rates. Be honest and let the service know exactly what they will be dealing with. If you have a lot of clutter you may be able to hire a professional organizer after your place is clean and hygenic. She can come up with a plan and keep you on track.

If neither of those work out and you want to start on your own you can employ a little motivation by watching Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners on YouTube. I'm only slightly messy and listening/watching this show on headphones while I clean is highly motivating. It makes me want to get everything really shiny and sanitized.

You need garbage bags, an arsenal of cleaning products and time. Start with the bathroom. It's a small room, won't take as long and will motivate you to keep going. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 5:16 AM on September 8, 2015


Call a cleaning service and explain your situation. They can tell you if it's possible.

Yes, this. Look on Yelp at cleaning services in your area that have excellent special customer service reviews (people on yelp will get chatty and overshare--this works in your favor), and call those places. Explain what you need, acknowledge that you're a special case and it wouldn't be one of their typical cleaning calls, and see what they can do for you.

Be willing to pay a lot (at least 2x their standard rate) and tip very, very well.
posted by phunniemee at 5:29 AM on September 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Lie. Call a cleaning service and tell them that you just returned from a 3 month business trip to find that your nephew has trashed the place. You need them to give you a price for a deep clean. While you are waiting for your appointment, buy black lawn bags. Start filling them up.
posted by myselfasme at 5:46 AM on September 8, 2015 [20 favorites]


I know how good this feels and it really improves your life to have your living space livable. See what it would cost to have the folks who do the deep clean to come in once a month or even every two months to keep things up. It may surprise you how affordable it can be and they may give you a deal on the first clean if they know they will get further work out of it. I hate to clean and I'm willing to give up several things to work a monthly clean into my budget. Just helps my life work better and keeps my mood even. Ymmv.
posted by pearlybob at 6:40 AM on September 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I would suggest that you hire someone to help clean. It will go much faster and you will end up with a much better organized space if you roll up your sleeves and participate. Because only you can declutter, box up for storage, figure out what's trash and what's treasure, etc. You do the pick-up part, helper vacuums, diusts, cleans windows and baseboards, all surfaces.

So, start with one room and get that one ready to be cleaned before your help arrives. Say, the bathroom, because it's usually easier to declutter and takes a while to clean. When your help arrives, start them on a deep clean of the bathroom while you start on the next room. Knowing that your PAID help is one step behind you will be great incentive to get each room straightened up and ready for cleaning. I would save the kitchen for last, because it takes the longest to straighten and clean.

Depending on how large your place is, you can end up with a clean and fresh living space in under four hours with this method.
posted by raisingsand at 7:47 AM on September 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


If you are wavering between hiring a single person or hiring a company based upon cost per hour, I can tell you that I just had emergency post-disaster cleaning people in my home to clean literally every surface in the house, and I (by myself) then went back over their work on my own after the construction was finished. The difference between time they took (~90min) compared to the time I took (~7h) to do the exact same job is really, really significant. So if a service charges $150/hr (this is a made up figure, I have no idea how much they cost) and an individual charges $50/h, you may not actually save money with the individual.

There are definitely cleaning services that specifically work with cases of unsanitary living conditions due to hoarding, which is not precisely your situation but since you mention "taking a lot of trash away" it seems like it might be close enough.

I agree with the above suggestion that it is totally okay to lie and blame it on an fictitious sloppy relative who was staying in your home while you were blamelessly abroad.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:01 AM on September 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I would check Task Rabbit too to see if there is someone local who is sort of a cleaning/organizing hybrid personal assistant, and indicates their non-judginess in their profile, or get a feel for them by dropping them a line explaining your situation. Good luck! You're not alone - this is a common thing.
posted by NikitaNikita at 8:27 AM on September 8, 2015


Hi! So I totally had this happen once. Everything was awful and I was really scared of the judgment I was worried I would face from the cleaning lady. Here's the thing: they get paid more the longer they work, and they don't get paid at all if you throw them out. Thus, it's not in their best interest to malign you, especially as they are hoping you will choose them for regular biweekly or monthly services (which if you are depressed and can afford it, is WELL WORTH the money.

My cleaning lady was super professional. What you have to do is look on Craigslist and be as honest as you can without using self judgy language.

IE

"I will need you for de cluttering" NOT "I have stuff all over the place"
"I will need a thorough and full deep clean" NOT "oh god I am so sorry the place is trashed"

I would actually caution against using the "my nephew trashed it" excuse - because the cleaning people want to get on your good side, and while they are normally not judgmental, if they think you are angry they might try to "agree" with you which will make you feel worse.

If you want to you can pick up a few things while they're doing it but it is not required.

My thorough clean took 8 hours and cost $200, which I considered very reasonable. If you want to me mail me we can compare notes and figure out if yours is likely to take longer. It's important to remember also that just because something looks terrible doesn't mean it's THAT much more work to get it done. For example: my cleaning lady has taken the exact same amount of time to clean counters with a giant spaghetti sauce spill as counters with a few splotches.

Don't freak out. This is totally doable.
posted by corb at 8:56 AM on September 8, 2015 [10 favorites]


You can do this. Lie if you need to, or just be honest. If you're like me, you'll need two people to actually clean while you just sit about and anxiously review their progress. They won't judge you, and neither do we.
posted by samthemander at 9:48 AM on September 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Cleaning services do this all the time. You are not the first (or last) person to have housekeeping get away from them. It happens and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it. For a one-time cleaning, services will charge you by the hour. They usually send two people, but maybe more. Pick a cleaning service that has good reviews on Yelp or Angie's list and give them a call. Give them the square footage, the number of bathrooms and a general estimate of the condition. They will give you an estimate.

When they service leaves you will likely have stacks of things to deal with on your own - they can't sort your mail or put away items that don't have obvious places. (My husband used to call our old service "the Stackers.") If it's within your means, then ask about routine cleaning. It doesn't need to be super often to make a big impact. Biweekly or monthly cleans make a huge difference.
posted by 26.2 at 11:42 AM on September 8, 2015


Also, consider scheduling regular maintenance visits after the deep clean. Not because you can't/won't clean but because it really helps to know that my cleaner is coming every fortnight because I am forced to pick up after myself - she can only clean what she can get to...and after initially spending a couple of hrs the morning before she was due to come running round picking up stuff and putting it away I am now starting to pick up after myself much more regularly. Still not reliably but moving in the right direction.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:58 PM on September 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


You will feel so much better once you get someone from yelp who can give your place a good deep clean. You have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact you may find a cleaner for whom this assignment will make them feel as good as you. It will be easy for them, and at the end of the session they will see a clean home and a happy person.
posted by salishsea at 6:03 PM on September 8, 2015


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