I've maybe depended too much on the kindness of strangers...

September 6, 2015 9:43 PM

How can I become a kinder and more trusting person?

I'd like to become a kinder, open and more trusting person. Obviously there must be some self help books out there that talk about this, and maybe even a blog or two. Certainly one of them must not be totally full of crap. Recommendations?

posted by Toddles to Human Relations (8 answers total)

This is a super easy thing to do to help with kindness. Every day make an effort to compliment strangers. It doesn't have to be big - something as simple as, "you have a great smile!" or "that color is great on you." This exercise may also help with trusting people because it will open your eyes to how people react to the positive thing you've just said. Most people really are pretty okay. Doubly so if you've opened the metaphorical door for them.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 10:40 PM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think kinder and more trusting are two different things. I would start with being kinder/more compassionate/more generous in both thought and deed and see what happened. I would also suggest paying attention (perhaps keeping a journal) to people around who do kind, generious things themselves - not only do they serve as role models but these are people most likely to be worthy of your trust. Noticing trustworthy people not only helps you see who you can trust but also help you gradually realize that there might be more of them around than you thought.

In terms of books, I like Everyday Holiness. It is focused on a general system of self-improvement based on Jewish teachings called Mussar but it outlines has a sound system for self improvement that you can adapt to your own needs.
posted by metahawk at 10:43 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

You might look into the meditation practice of metta, in which you offer loving kindness first to yourself, then to others. You can google metta or loving kindness meditation and find the phrases that are used. Note that the practice doesn't say much about your actions and feelings, but the idea is that repeating the phrases softens the heart and makes kinder actions more likely.

Sharon Salzberg's book, Lovingkindness, is a well-written explantion of how and why to do the practice. http://www.amazon.com/Lovingkindness-Revolutionary-Happiness-Shambhala-Classics/dp/157062903X/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
posted by tuesdayschild at 9:57 AM on September 7, 2015

A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson is a good one. I absolutely loved Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed; it doesn't focus on how to be kinder or trusting per se but a lot of the advice she doles out refer to these topics. Brene Brown often talks about trust (and vulnerability), I can't point you to a particular book by her but these are underlying topics in most of her work, so a quick search about her could provide you with helpful tips.

I've personally become kinder by realizing that EVERYONE has individual struggles; I never know what someone might be going through, so I always always try to be kind. It takes time and I find that I actively have to remind myself to "Be Kind", in fact my friends and I remind each other. If I'm about to go on a rant and talk shit about someone I just think, "be kind". Like fluffy battle kitten said, complimenting strangers goes a long way or just helping people do everyday things. I once helped an elderly woman cross the street and honestly, till today it's one of my proudest moments- that tiny little act of kindness. On a random day when I was feeling completely terrible, a stranger complemented me and I cried from happiness because it was so unexpected and sincere.
posted by newthirdworld at 11:31 AM on September 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yes, it's amazing how good it feels being kind, which sounds like a pretty dumb thing to say :)

Anyhow, you might find The Compassionate Mind Foundation helpful. Their training materials and list of books. I've read Gilbert's "Compassionate Mind" on the neurological basis and benefits of compassion and it is well worth it.
posted by storybored at 6:28 PM on September 7, 2015

Start with etiquette books. It's full of things like every-day manners about holding open doors and sending flowers. Start with behavior and the mindset may follow when you start getting more and more positive feedback to your stellar manners! :)
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:56 AM on September 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think developing compassion for yourself helps with developing compassion for others, and the book Just One Thing has some really good practices for that.
posted by kristi at 9:59 AM on September 9, 2015

I really like P.M Forni's book Choosing Civility. It has a lot of practical habits you can work on cultivating to become a kinder person on an everyday basis.
posted by Jess the Mess at 10:48 AM on September 9, 2015