Is he a liar or am I just crazy? Should I break it off?
September 5, 2015 2:07 PM Subscribe
I am starting to think my boyfriend has been lying to me for a long time. Not sure what to do about this relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We have lived together for about 7 months now. I understand we moved in together way too fast and I do regret that now.
I've always had uneasy feelings about him and I never really knew why. I now think maybe my body has been trying to tell me there is something not right about this guy.
Everything started going downhill last month. I went out of town from Aug 4 to Aug 7 because my grandma passed away. While I was gone, I let my boyfriend use my car so he could get to work (I usually drive him to work and pick him up). On Aug 8, I picked him up from work late and while he was in the shower, I decided to look at the notifications on his phone. I really don't know why I did that. I guess I have always had some trust issues with him. I saw that he received a text message from a random number. He has received messages from this number before and I have asked him who it was. He told me it was some girl that he hasn't talked to in years. She always texts him but he never replies. This sounded weird to me because why would someone keep texting you if you don't reply to them?
I knew the passcode to his phone so I decided to open it because I really wanted to know what she sent him. When I looked at his phone, I saw that he had already deleted the text. So I was looking at the last few text messages and saw that the 5th one down (he has an iPhone) was from a random number. I opened it and saw that a girl sent him a picture of herself along with a text message that said "I think I adopted your shirt." He texted her back saying where is my naked picture. She replied I don't think that's a good idea. He said why not and the messages ended there. I was extremely shocked and upset and just started crying. When he came out of the shower he asked me what was wrong and I told him I'm sorry but I went through your phone and I saw the text messages from the girl. He quickly deleted the messages and said there is nothing here. I told him you deleted them and he denied it. He became extremely upset with me. He said I can't believe you went through my phone. He changed his passcode right away and then left to go sleep in his room.
The next day he told me the text messages were old. I said how can they be old when they were the 5th message in your phone? I know you talk to more than 5 people. He said he didn't know and maybe she had texted him or something and that's why they appeared recent. He said he just freaked out because I was upset and that's why he deleted them. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. But then we were doing laundry a week ago and I saw him texting a girl he used to work with. I saw that he deleted all their previous texts. I asked him why and first he said because next time you go through my phone, you won't have anything else to yell at me about. That got me thinking he is probably cheating on me or at least hiding something. Then he said sorry, that was rude. It's because I wasn't planning on talking to her anymore but now I gotta ask her something.
Then we finally get to today. I drove him to work and he wanted me to stop at the gas station first. I said sure. We have been stopping at the gas station pretty much every other day because he has been buying an iced tea. I have always just waited in the car. Well we went to a different gas station today and I could see through the window where the cash register was. I thought I saw him buy cigarettes. As far as I know, he doesn't smoke. I know that he used to. I told him if he ever starts smoking again, we are breaking up. So he gets in the car and I said did you buy cigarettes? He gets angry at me and says no of course not. Why would I buy them? I said, what is in your right pocket? He said nothing, just stuff. I said can I see what is in it? He said no. I said why not? He said because it's stupid you don't trust me. He became really angry and said he is just going to take a taxi home. If he didn't buy cigarettes why wouldn't he just show me?
Am I being crazy here? He keeps telling me I am crazy and it really bothers him that I don't trust him. But he keeps doing things that makes me think he's lying to me. I don't know what to do. I am always really anxious, especially when he gets text messages. I always wonder who he is talking to. I am thinking he is lying about the cigarettes and the text messages being old. I don't want to be with someone who constantly lies to me. But he lives with me. How do I go about kicking him out? He told me before I can't kick him out because he's on the lease. But he never signed anything. The landlord does know he lives here and has his social security number and name. But my boyfriend never signed a lease when he moved in. I also am the only person who gave the landlord a security deposit.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We have lived together for about 7 months now. I understand we moved in together way too fast and I do regret that now.
I've always had uneasy feelings about him and I never really knew why. I now think maybe my body has been trying to tell me there is something not right about this guy.
Everything started going downhill last month. I went out of town from Aug 4 to Aug 7 because my grandma passed away. While I was gone, I let my boyfriend use my car so he could get to work (I usually drive him to work and pick him up). On Aug 8, I picked him up from work late and while he was in the shower, I decided to look at the notifications on his phone. I really don't know why I did that. I guess I have always had some trust issues with him. I saw that he received a text message from a random number. He has received messages from this number before and I have asked him who it was. He told me it was some girl that he hasn't talked to in years. She always texts him but he never replies. This sounded weird to me because why would someone keep texting you if you don't reply to them?
I knew the passcode to his phone so I decided to open it because I really wanted to know what she sent him. When I looked at his phone, I saw that he had already deleted the text. So I was looking at the last few text messages and saw that the 5th one down (he has an iPhone) was from a random number. I opened it and saw that a girl sent him a picture of herself along with a text message that said "I think I adopted your shirt." He texted her back saying where is my naked picture. She replied I don't think that's a good idea. He said why not and the messages ended there. I was extremely shocked and upset and just started crying. When he came out of the shower he asked me what was wrong and I told him I'm sorry but I went through your phone and I saw the text messages from the girl. He quickly deleted the messages and said there is nothing here. I told him you deleted them and he denied it. He became extremely upset with me. He said I can't believe you went through my phone. He changed his passcode right away and then left to go sleep in his room.
The next day he told me the text messages were old. I said how can they be old when they were the 5th message in your phone? I know you talk to more than 5 people. He said he didn't know and maybe she had texted him or something and that's why they appeared recent. He said he just freaked out because I was upset and that's why he deleted them. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. But then we were doing laundry a week ago and I saw him texting a girl he used to work with. I saw that he deleted all their previous texts. I asked him why and first he said because next time you go through my phone, you won't have anything else to yell at me about. That got me thinking he is probably cheating on me or at least hiding something. Then he said sorry, that was rude. It's because I wasn't planning on talking to her anymore but now I gotta ask her something.
Then we finally get to today. I drove him to work and he wanted me to stop at the gas station first. I said sure. We have been stopping at the gas station pretty much every other day because he has been buying an iced tea. I have always just waited in the car. Well we went to a different gas station today and I could see through the window where the cash register was. I thought I saw him buy cigarettes. As far as I know, he doesn't smoke. I know that he used to. I told him if he ever starts smoking again, we are breaking up. So he gets in the car and I said did you buy cigarettes? He gets angry at me and says no of course not. Why would I buy them? I said, what is in your right pocket? He said nothing, just stuff. I said can I see what is in it? He said no. I said why not? He said because it's stupid you don't trust me. He became really angry and said he is just going to take a taxi home. If he didn't buy cigarettes why wouldn't he just show me?
Am I being crazy here? He keeps telling me I am crazy and it really bothers him that I don't trust him. But he keeps doing things that makes me think he's lying to me. I don't know what to do. I am always really anxious, especially when he gets text messages. I always wonder who he is talking to. I am thinking he is lying about the cigarettes and the text messages being old. I don't want to be with someone who constantly lies to me. But he lives with me. How do I go about kicking him out? He told me before I can't kick him out because he's on the lease. But he never signed anything. The landlord does know he lives here and has his social security number and name. But my boyfriend never signed a lease when he moved in. I also am the only person who gave the landlord a security deposit.
seriously get out of this relationship. you know deep down that he is cheating, and it's eroding your self esteem. You are NOT crazy, he isn't the right guy. don't waste another day of your life on him. shrugs...or just let him cheat and stay with him...I'm sorry you are going through this. love is insane.
posted by gypseefire at 2:16 PM on September 5, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by gypseefire at 2:16 PM on September 5, 2015 [14 favorites]
Girl, run.
posted by k8t at 2:17 PM on September 5, 2015 [64 favorites]
posted by k8t at 2:17 PM on September 5, 2015 [64 favorites]
You're not crazy. Not at all. He's a liar. Break up with him and don't look back.
posted by Lingasol at 2:18 PM on September 5, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by Lingasol at 2:18 PM on September 5, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Look, you know he's lying. Even if he weren't lying, though, you don't trust him. It's hard to see how you could ever transition this situation into a truly happy and healthy relationship given your lack of trust and his confrontational defensiveness. Do you really want to share your life with this guy?
He's not on the lease. Stand up for yourself and tell him to move out. Get your landlord involved if you have to. Being on your own will be better than living with a guy like this.
posted by something something at 2:19 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
He's not on the lease. Stand up for yourself and tell him to move out. Get your landlord involved if you have to. Being on your own will be better than living with a guy like this.
posted by something something at 2:19 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
I think he is lying to you, that he is also acting disrespectfully when you confront him, and you should not be with him. You could try to work it out, but I don't think you can or should even try. It's up to you, but my advice is kick him out, then get tested for STDs, then do what you need to in terms of taking care of yourself for a while.
In regards to the lease, if he didn't sign it and you did, he is your guest. In many jurisdictions if the landlord knows he lives there and continues to take your rent, he's legally a tenant, but you may be able to kick him out anyway, but it would be difficult and I'm not sure how to tell you to go about that. Your landlord might be able to help you with that?
I would actually call a domestic violence hotline or center because this situation could escalate poorly-- it could be fine, but given how much of a dick he's being about the lease, I'm wary--and you need the help in getting away.
posted by blnkfrnk at 2:20 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
In regards to the lease, if he didn't sign it and you did, he is your guest. In many jurisdictions if the landlord knows he lives there and continues to take your rent, he's legally a tenant, but you may be able to kick him out anyway, but it would be difficult and I'm not sure how to tell you to go about that. Your landlord might be able to help you with that?
I would actually call a domestic violence hotline or center because this situation could escalate poorly-- it could be fine, but given how much of a dick he's being about the lease, I'm wary--and you need the help in getting away.
posted by blnkfrnk at 2:20 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
You are being gaslighted, big time. Like, blatantly, transparently and breathtakingly.
Consult with your landlord re what the lease situation is exactly, look up tenants rights organizations in your city or county, and get ready to change the locks if you have the legal right to bar him from the premises. Preferably when he is at work. He can then come home to collect his stuff, while you have another person there, because this guy does not sound stable or trustworthy.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:20 PM on September 5, 2015 [17 favorites]
Consult with your landlord re what the lease situation is exactly, look up tenants rights organizations in your city or county, and get ready to change the locks if you have the legal right to bar him from the premises. Preferably when he is at work. He can then come home to collect his stuff, while you have another person there, because this guy does not sound stable or trustworthy.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:20 PM on September 5, 2015 [17 favorites]
Best answer: It's not a good sign when your significant other tells you you're crazy. People don't stay in relationships with people they truly believe are crazy. When he says "you're crazy," what he means is "you caught me but I think I can convince you to stay anyway by undermining your self confidence."
posted by telegraph at 2:21 PM on September 5, 2015 [58 favorites]
posted by telegraph at 2:21 PM on September 5, 2015 [58 favorites]
Absolutely, this guy is a lying, cheating, using asshole.
Change your locks. Worry about the legal angle later, if and when you need to, but get this guy out of your home.
posted by rpfields at 2:25 PM on September 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
Change your locks. Worry about the legal angle later, if and when you need to, but get this guy out of your home.
posted by rpfields at 2:25 PM on September 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
yea, all the signs are there that he is lying to you. I mean, he blatantly lied about texts that you had just looked at. You are not crazy, and this will only get worse if you stay. I know this because I spent 3 crappy years in a relationship like that. Just get out, there are decent people out there, and you can't connect with them if this guy is in your life.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:33 PM on September 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:33 PM on September 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
I'm 100% sure he's lying and cheating. Even if he wasn't (in the VERY unlikely best case scenario), the defensive, outraged, childish way he's dealing with this is not the basis for a healthy relationship. You can do better than this guy. He's not even competent enough to take basic steps to hide his cheating, which says to me that he can't even begin to care about how it affects you.
posted by naju at 2:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by naju at 2:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [12 favorites]
Wait, he deleted the texts right after you confronted him and then tried to convince you they never existed? That's the shittiest attempt at gaslighting I've ever heard of
Yea, really.This is literally something that would happen in a Kimmy Schmidt type sitcom. It's that bad. It would be played up as how much of a doofus that guy was for thinking that would seriously work.
You deserve better than a low quality sitcom plot point that most people would say was too lame to be very funny.
posted by emptythought at 2:42 PM on September 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
Yea, really.This is literally something that would happen in a Kimmy Schmidt type sitcom. It's that bad. It would be played up as how much of a doofus that guy was for thinking that would seriously work.
You deserve better than a low quality sitcom plot point that most people would say was too lame to be very funny.
posted by emptythought at 2:42 PM on September 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
And by the way I am fairly certain its a standard...if they aren't on the lease/didn't sign it he has no rights.
posted by gypseefire at 2:45 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by gypseefire at 2:45 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
My brother used to do something like this. You'd catch him with his hand in the biscuit tin and he'd snatch it out of there and go "I WASN'T DOING THAT! YOU'RE LYING!"
He realised this was ridiculous by the time he was maybe four?
I mean even if your actual argument was about something as stupid as biscuits, this is hardly an approach to conflict suitable for two adults trying to build a life together.
posted by emilyw at 2:49 PM on September 5, 2015 [12 favorites]
He realised this was ridiculous by the time he was maybe four?
I mean even if your actual argument was about something as stupid as biscuits, this is hardly an approach to conflict suitable for two adults trying to build a life together.
posted by emilyw at 2:49 PM on September 5, 2015 [12 favorites]
He keeps telling me I am crazy
Even that alone is a great big red flag. Loving, trustworthy people don't tell their partners that they are crazy. That's just not on.
He's hiding stuff from you, and he doesn't even respect you enough to bother with doing a halfway decent job of it.
Move on.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:50 PM on September 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
Even that alone is a great big red flag. Loving, trustworthy people don't tell their partners that they are crazy. That's just not on.
He's hiding stuff from you, and he doesn't even respect you enough to bother with doing a halfway decent job of it.
Move on.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:50 PM on September 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
To be honest I could tell he was lying by your username and the title of the question. There are hundreds of questions just like this one on here. Women dating pieces of shit who know they're dating pieces of shit and can't believe themselves, they need someone else to tell them. It doesn't matter what we say, just trust yourself.
posted by bleep at 2:50 PM on September 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by bleep at 2:50 PM on September 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
He is a liar and you are not crazy.
I don't want to tell you to break up with him, because that is your decision to make, not mine (but you should totally break up with him).
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:50 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't want to tell you to break up with him, because that is your decision to make, not mine (but you should totally break up with him).
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:50 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Get some friends and/or family to come over before you tell him to pack up and leave. Then insist he leave RIGHT THEN.
posted by Specklet at 2:51 PM on September 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Specklet at 2:51 PM on September 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
Please do not waste another second - or another year - on this guy. Be grateful you discovered his secrecy sooner than later and tell him it's over and tell him to pack. None of this is a good sign, follow your gut now, and be good to yourself. Don't waste another moment wondering if your gut\body was right or wrong, it's not worth it. Assume your feeling is - and has been - right and do right by you and make him prove otherwise if he chooses. But allow him no leeway. He goes. Now.
posted by danapiper at 3:01 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by danapiper at 3:01 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yes, I think you are right that this man has been lying to you and this relationship is basically over. However, I think there are certain things in your behaviour that are also a bit unhealthy, which you might want to look at before you begin another relationship.
1) Spying. It is generally not OK to go through someone's phone unless they've given you permission.
2) Paranoia. Every man you're with will get text messages-- from friends, from family, from whoever. Asking "Who were you texting just now? Who was that message from?? How about that one???" is a very efficient way to torture yourself and your partner.
Yes, this man is a liar. But your next one might not be. Please don't let this guy's awfulness ruin your next relationship by falling back into the unhealthy patterns you've established here. It's completely understandable that this man has given you some trust issues; but if you're not seeing a therapist at the moment, then it might be a good idea to do so, in order to get back your ability to trust in yourself and others.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:04 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
1) Spying. It is generally not OK to go through someone's phone unless they've given you permission.
2) Paranoia. Every man you're with will get text messages-- from friends, from family, from whoever. Asking "Who were you texting just now? Who was that message from?? How about that one???" is a very efficient way to torture yourself and your partner.
Yes, this man is a liar. But your next one might not be. Please don't let this guy's awfulness ruin your next relationship by falling back into the unhealthy patterns you've established here. It's completely understandable that this man has given you some trust issues; but if you're not seeing a therapist at the moment, then it might be a good idea to do so, in order to get back your ability to trust in yourself and others.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:04 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
None of this makes any sense.
It's not he said/she said, you SAW the messages and SAW him delete them. What exactly is left to figure out?
posted by Cosine at 3:04 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's not he said/she said, you SAW the messages and SAW him delete them. What exactly is left to figure out?
posted by Cosine at 3:04 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
The only controversial question here seems to be HOW to get him out. I agree with the suggestion to ask your landlord. Also, does he pay rent? To you or to your landlord?
Technically, it might not be legally appropriate for you to just lock him out. (Would he go to the trouble of actually suing you for that, though?) Think about what would cause him to actually leave willingly. Or put in your notice and move in 30 days yourself.
posted by salvia at 3:10 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Technically, it might not be legally appropriate for you to just lock him out. (Would he go to the trouble of actually suing you for that, though?) Think about what would cause him to actually leave willingly. Or put in your notice and move in 30 days yourself.
posted by salvia at 3:10 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
It can be hard to think through these events when you've got so much stress built up -- that's totally natural. It may help to frame it in this way: what would you tell your best friend if she was in this relationship.
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:11 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:11 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Honestly, trusting your instincts enough to check his phone and ask him about his text messages seems like reasonable self-protective behavior in this kind of crazy-making situation. I bet you'll act totally differently in a relationship with somebody who isn't a total gas lighting liar. In the meantime, run.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 3:13 PM on September 5, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by pretentious illiterate at 3:13 PM on September 5, 2015 [32 favorites]
i bet if you stopped driving him to work he'd break up with you and leave. he's using you.
posted by nadawi at 3:14 PM on September 5, 2015 [49 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 3:14 PM on September 5, 2015 [49 favorites]
He told me before I can't kick him out because he's on the lease.
This right here is reason enough to dump him. (As if you didn't have enough other reasons!)
Is he saying that if you break up with him, you have to move out, even though your name is definitely on the lease? Only a selfish jerk would insist on that.
Or is he saying that if you break up with him, he plans to stay there in the apartment, living with someone who doesn't want him around any more? Only a complete idiot would insist on that.
Or is he saying that you can never break up with him? Only a selfish jerk who is also a complete idiot would try to get away with that.
I agree that the only question here is how to get him out. But it sounds like there's a good chance there's someone else out there that might be willing to share a bed with him.
posted by Redstart at 3:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
This right here is reason enough to dump him. (As if you didn't have enough other reasons!)
Is he saying that if you break up with him, you have to move out, even though your name is definitely on the lease? Only a selfish jerk would insist on that.
Or is he saying that if you break up with him, he plans to stay there in the apartment, living with someone who doesn't want him around any more? Only a complete idiot would insist on that.
Or is he saying that you can never break up with him? Only a selfish jerk who is also a complete idiot would try to get away with that.
I agree that the only question here is how to get him out. But it sounds like there's a good chance there's someone else out there that might be willing to share a bed with him.
posted by Redstart at 3:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
You were not being paranoid and you didn't check his phone for no reason - everything about the situation was screaming red flags. Don't worry about your own behavior for even a second.
posted by naju at 3:16 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by naju at 3:16 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
How do I go about kicking him out? He told me before I can't kick him out because he's on the lease. But he never signed anything. The landlord does know he lives here and has his social security number and name. But my boyfriend never signed a lease when he moved in. I also am the only person who gave the landlord a security deposit.
Okay, gross. That's the worst argument for the continuance of a relationship ever, except maybe 'I'm an object at rest and I tend to stay at rest so good luck trying to move me out'.
But what you have here is a legal question of how you disentangle yourself and that varies from state to state, depends on what you signed, and depends on your resources (can you bail and move in with mom and dad/friends? )
I don't think this is a question about whether he's a jag, I think it's determined he's a jag. I think it's the logistics of this that you're questioning, which, if you're 21, could be a lot more bewildering than they would be at 25, 30, 35, 40, 45. Needless to say, it starts with housing then goes to food. Then you go from there.
Hope you're okay and I'm sorry your boyfriend's a dope.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:22 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Okay, gross. That's the worst argument for the continuance of a relationship ever, except maybe 'I'm an object at rest and I tend to stay at rest so good luck trying to move me out'.
But what you have here is a legal question of how you disentangle yourself and that varies from state to state, depends on what you signed, and depends on your resources (can you bail and move in with mom and dad/friends? )
I don't think this is a question about whether he's a jag, I think it's determined he's a jag. I think it's the logistics of this that you're questioning, which, if you're 21, could be a lot more bewildering than they would be at 25, 30, 35, 40, 45. Needless to say, it starts with housing then goes to food. Then you go from there.
Hope you're okay and I'm sorry your boyfriend's a dope.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:22 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
My guess is that when you break up with him, he'll have someone else to live with and take advantage of in short order. Don't let that worry you at all. I would give a heads up to the landlord so he knows that D. Bag isn't welcome there anymore.
posted by desjardins at 3:22 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 3:22 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
If you're looking for permission from an Internet stranger to tell him to go, you have mine.
Seriously, though, start by asking him to move out. If that doesn't work then you need to talk to your landlord or an attorney. There are state & local laws that determine whether he can be considered a tenant, so anything we tell you about that may be wrong.
posted by tuesdayschild at 3:39 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Seriously, though, start by asking him to move out. If that doesn't work then you need to talk to your landlord or an attorney. There are state & local laws that determine whether he can be considered a tenant, so anything we tell you about that may be wrong.
posted by tuesdayschild at 3:39 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ugh, dumb him now. Leave that jerk, I don't care if he's amazing 90% of the time, nothing is worth that.
posted by Marinara at 3:45 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Marinara at 3:45 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
i would figure out local laws and what your landlord says before you tell him to leave. be secure in the facts before he tries to lie to you about them for his own benefit.
posted by nadawi at 3:52 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 3:52 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks so much for all the replies. This was the first time I ever went through his phone so it was a big shock to me and I really couldn't sleep for days after it happened. I have never felt this way in any other relationship I've been in. I really thought I was being crazy for questioning him but I see now that he has to go. My mom and brother could definitely be here when I tell him he has to leave. I am just afraid he won't leave because he really has no place to go. He doesn't have a car. He doesn't even have a bed or laptop.
I will contact the landlord first and see what he has to say. I have been doing some research. Since I live in Pennsylvania, it looks like I need to give him 30 days written notice first and then go to court to file for eviction if he still doesn't leave. I really hope he will just leave peacefully.
posted by Nicole21 at 4:09 PM on September 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
I will contact the landlord first and see what he has to say. I have been doing some research. Since I live in Pennsylvania, it looks like I need to give him 30 days written notice first and then go to court to file for eviction if he still doesn't leave. I really hope he will just leave peacefully.
posted by Nicole21 at 4:09 PM on September 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
He doesn't have a car, bed or laptop? Not your problem. Let that be this other woman's problem because I guarantee you that's where he's going to go. And please, yes do have your mom and brother there. Who knows what he's capable of if he's this much of a sleaze. And he IS. Take it from me and the mistakes I made with a guy like this. II wish I'd had the collective wisdom of Metafilter at my back when I'd been making them! Be safe and good luck. You deserve better.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 4:24 PM on September 5, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by bitter-girl.com at 4:24 PM on September 5, 2015 [24 favorites]
Don't worry yourself a single minute about what he doesn't have; that's his problem and that's why we have Ye Olde Craigslist! He can find a cheap room to rent and probably furnish it entirely for free with Craigslist. If he won't do it himself, it's not your problem, but he can surely crash with a friend or coworker until he can find his own place. I agree that it's more likely that he will beeline to this chick's place, but that's her problem, not yours.
Good luck, and I hope you are able to remove his presence from your home as quickly and safely as possible! You have a good head on your shoulders and you knew in your gut that this situation was starting to stink like old fish. Many of us have been in your shoes...you will feel such a great sense of relief when it is over and you have your home back, I promise. *e-hugs* if you want them.
posted by cardinality at 4:43 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Good luck, and I hope you are able to remove his presence from your home as quickly and safely as possible! You have a good head on your shoulders and you knew in your gut that this situation was starting to stink like old fish. Many of us have been in your shoes...you will feel such a great sense of relief when it is over and you have your home back, I promise. *e-hugs* if you want them.
posted by cardinality at 4:43 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
My last comment was removed, not sure why, will rephrase.
Don't worry about him having a place to go, the fact that he can go to her place was the start of your problems.
Get him out of there.
posted by Cosine at 4:47 PM on September 5, 2015
Don't worry about him having a place to go, the fact that he can go to her place was the start of your problems.
Get him out of there.
posted by Cosine at 4:47 PM on September 5, 2015
Could your mom or brother stay with you for awhile after you ask him to move out? I'm worried that he might not move out or try to hurt you when he does. Will you feel safe at your place? Would it be better or you to live with your mom and brother for awhile or even find a new place to live? Your safety is really important!
Is he on the lease as a fellow renter or is he officially subletting? Even if he is, break-ups kind of have their own rules and people understand that. You can ask him to move out on-spot, and your mom and brother can help him move out so you can stay safe. I am sure he will be able to find a place to stay. He's not your responsibility! Please don't view him as an equal partner or a helpless child because he's really an abusive boyfriend and he doesn't deserve your assistance any more. He's got a job, a phone, and he's able to cheat on you, so clearly he can find a way to go. He's just using you and it makes me angry! Good luck, and please stay safe. If he's not cooperating, you can always call the police, too.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:03 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
Is he on the lease as a fellow renter or is he officially subletting? Even if he is, break-ups kind of have their own rules and people understand that. You can ask him to move out on-spot, and your mom and brother can help him move out so you can stay safe. I am sure he will be able to find a place to stay. He's not your responsibility! Please don't view him as an equal partner or a helpless child because he's really an abusive boyfriend and he doesn't deserve your assistance any more. He's got a job, a phone, and he's able to cheat on you, so clearly he can find a way to go. He's just using you and it makes me angry! Good luck, and please stay safe. If he's not cooperating, you can always call the police, too.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:03 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Could your mom or brother stay with you for awhile after you ask him to move out? I'm worried that he might not move out or try to hurt you when he does. Will you feel safe at your place? Would it be better or you to live with your mom and brother for awhile or even find a new place to live? Your safety is really important!
I definitely think my mom would stay with me. I really am not sure if I will feel safe or not. I don't think he would hurt me but I am not completely sure. I have thought about finding a new place but I am worried he will destroy this place and then the landlord will go after me. I would really prefer him to move out.
Is he on the lease as a fellow renter or is he officially subletting?
I am not sure if he is on the lease. I did ask my landlord if he could move in with me. The landlord said yes but he needed his social security number and name. The landlord never sent me a revised lease.
I am so nervous about tonight. He just texted me asking if I picked up his dry cleaning. I can't believe he is acting like everything is okay after he lied to my face earlier and then was upset with me. He works late so I am not sure if I should text him to sleep in his room or wait until he gets home and tell him then.
posted by Nicole21 at 5:41 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I definitely think my mom would stay with me. I really am not sure if I will feel safe or not. I don't think he would hurt me but I am not completely sure. I have thought about finding a new place but I am worried he will destroy this place and then the landlord will go after me. I would really prefer him to move out.
Is he on the lease as a fellow renter or is he officially subletting?
I am not sure if he is on the lease. I did ask my landlord if he could move in with me. The landlord said yes but he needed his social security number and name. The landlord never sent me a revised lease.
I am so nervous about tonight. He just texted me asking if I picked up his dry cleaning. I can't believe he is acting like everything is okay after he lied to my face earlier and then was upset with me. He works late so I am not sure if I should text him to sleep in his room or wait until he gets home and tell him then.
posted by Nicole21 at 5:41 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
do not move out and leave the place to him. you have to speak to your landlord as soon as possible - do you have an email address for them? otherwise call them first thing in the morning and find out what the lease situation is. ask them how to get him removed as someone who lives there. once you find out the actual situation from the landlord, either call the organization in town who works with renters rights or do some googling about your specific location and find out what the legal situation is. you can't take anyone's advice in this thread about the particulars of how to remove him because none of us know what the lease situation is or what the legal situation is in your area.
it might be that you guys have to cohabitate for a while. if that's the case, get an actual keyed lock for your room so that you can keep your things and yourself safe from him during the cohabitating period. it will likely not be any longer than 30 days, but until you know the situation with the landlord and the law, i can't advise you on that.
posted by nadawi at 5:55 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
it might be that you guys have to cohabitate for a while. if that's the case, get an actual keyed lock for your room so that you can keep your things and yourself safe from him during the cohabitating period. it will likely not be any longer than 30 days, but until you know the situation with the landlord and the law, i can't advise you on that.
posted by nadawi at 5:55 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Honestly I wouldn't talk to the landlord. I'd literally lock him out and claim he's some lying ex stalking you to said landlord if it comes up.
The amount of time people actually pursue legal recourse is tiny when they're sketchy fucks. I've kicked people out like this before.
Does he receive mail there? Is the address on his ID? If the answer to both of those is no, lock him out.
It might seem extreme or dickish but fuck it. If you follow up with the landlord then they know you were trying to do this. Unless he signed anything, it's not his place. By giving them his info they MAYBE did a background check, but that's not a contract.
I'm not a lawyer, I'm just an asshole. And I've kicked people out and said "call the cops I don't give a fuck" before. Guys like this will miraculously have some relative or friend or new "partner" within the day, or at most a couple. They're like fucking cats, they always land right side up and whinge about the people who kicked them out and did them wrong but nothing more.
He's not going to take you to court if he can't even drive his own ass to work(or get a bus pass? Or somehow otherwise figure that out? I have -as a minor- while homeless. This guy sucks at adulting). I live my life under the assumption that deadbeats are ignorant or unwilling to do the hard work of pursuing legal action, and it's yet to do me wrong.
posted by emptythought at 6:29 PM on September 5, 2015 [34 favorites]
The amount of time people actually pursue legal recourse is tiny when they're sketchy fucks. I've kicked people out like this before.
Does he receive mail there? Is the address on his ID? If the answer to both of those is no, lock him out.
It might seem extreme or dickish but fuck it. If you follow up with the landlord then they know you were trying to do this. Unless he signed anything, it's not his place. By giving them his info they MAYBE did a background check, but that's not a contract.
I'm not a lawyer, I'm just an asshole. And I've kicked people out and said "call the cops I don't give a fuck" before. Guys like this will miraculously have some relative or friend or new "partner" within the day, or at most a couple. They're like fucking cats, they always land right side up and whinge about the people who kicked them out and did them wrong but nothing more.
He's not going to take you to court if he can't even drive his own ass to work(or get a bus pass? Or somehow otherwise figure that out? I have -as a minor- while homeless. This guy sucks at adulting). I live my life under the assumption that deadbeats are ignorant or unwilling to do the hard work of pursuing legal action, and it's yet to do me wrong.
posted by emptythought at 6:29 PM on September 5, 2015 [34 favorites]
Does he receive mail there? Is the address on his ID? If the answer to both of those is no, lock him out.
Also do this if the answer to either is "yes".
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:38 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also do this if the answer to either is "yes".
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:38 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
i've never been able to change the locks at an apartment without talking to the landlord.
posted by nadawi at 6:38 PM on September 5, 2015
posted by nadawi at 6:38 PM on September 5, 2015
feel free to tell him to leave, but if he refuses you will have to do things more officially. he seems like the kind who refuses to leave.
posted by nadawi at 6:39 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 6:39 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Get your brother to sleep on the couch for a few nights. Or your mom or a friend. Don't leave the apartment to him but get someone to come in so you're not by yourself. It's inconvenient and drama but right now you don't know if he's the kind of guy who will just give up and leave (best case) when he sees you've figured him out, or if he'll get violent to you or your property which does sadly happen often enough.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:05 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:05 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Well he just texted me asking if I was going to pick him up and I said no. So he called me and asked what is wrong with me. I told him I can't be with someone who is constantly lying and I know he bought cigarettes earlier. All he said was are you serious and do you want me to move out. I said yes I want you to move out and he said okay I'll be out by the 1st. I guess we will see what happens. I really hope it is actually that easy.
My mom is over and said she would stay with me as long as I want her here.
posted by Nicole21 at 7:26 PM on September 5, 2015 [55 favorites]
My mom is over and said she would stay with me as long as I want her here.
posted by Nicole21 at 7:26 PM on September 5, 2015 [55 favorites]
This is the most obvious case of needing to break up with someone ever. He is clearly doing things that he thinks you shouldn't know about, which is already a huge red flag, but it sounds extremely likely he is cheating. Furthermore, you drive this guy to work every day? What the hell does he do for you?
And regarding your updates, the fact that he is willing to move out that easily seems to just confirm that he wasn't at all invested in this relationship, which is just another data point among many that this relationship is over.
Once you've dumped this loser and cut him out of your life, be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes that come in the form of exes.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:37 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
And regarding your updates, the fact that he is willing to move out that easily seems to just confirm that he wasn't at all invested in this relationship, which is just another data point among many that this relationship is over.
Once you've dumped this loser and cut him out of your life, be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes that come in the form of exes.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:37 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm glad your mom is with you and that you decided to tell him to move out. The 1st is a while away. Can you get him to leave earlier? Also, even though he agreed to move, you can still get in touch with the landlord or tenants' rights groups in your area and see what your options will be if he changes his mind and decides he doesn't want to go so quickly.
And please be aware that with a month-long window before he said he'd move, he might try to get back in your good graces by being sweet. (I mean, he sounds like an asshole so maybe not but you never know.) Don't fall for it, and do remember the things you are realizing now. Don't let him manipulate you into letting him stay.
And way to stick up for yourself and be decisive about listening to yourself about what to do. This was an upsetting situation, especially if you have never experienced anything like it and you are handling it really well!
posted by aka burlap at 7:56 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
And please be aware that with a month-long window before he said he'd move, he might try to get back in your good graces by being sweet. (I mean, he sounds like an asshole so maybe not but you never know.) Don't fall for it, and do remember the things you are realizing now. Don't let him manipulate you into letting him stay.
And way to stick up for yourself and be decisive about listening to yourself about what to do. This was an upsetting situation, especially if you have never experienced anything like it and you are handling it really well!
posted by aka burlap at 7:56 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
2nd MoonOrb - tell him (inform him) that the 1st won't do, it's happening tomorrow. Call your brother to come over as well.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
I can tell you from experience that living with someone you've just broken up with for more than a day or two is AWFUL. Seriously terrible. Torturous. And this guy is a JERK. Please, for your own sanity, get him out within a couple days.
posted by Specklet at 8:30 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Specklet at 8:30 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
I would, without ever feeling bad, fabricate a white lie here and tell the landlord he gave his friend keys and you need your locks changed. Pay the $75 or whatever they want to charge to do it.
Don't even ask him for his keys back, just change the locks.
also I'm on team "I'll be out by the end of the month" isn't too long or too crazy. He already agreed to move, this sounds potentially... Gasp(of the nonsarcastic variety)... easy so far. Maybe just plan on not being around much and let him mosy on down the road? I realize he's a knob, but he does have to figure out where he's going. "You made your bed now lay in it" doesn't really solve that one, and it's not like he's demonstrated that he's dangerous or violent. Just a chode.
posted by emptythought at 8:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't even ask him for his keys back, just change the locks.
also I'm on team "I'll be out by the end of the month" isn't too long or too crazy. He already agreed to move, this sounds potentially... Gasp(of the nonsarcastic variety)... easy so far. Maybe just plan on not being around much and let him mosy on down the road? I realize he's a knob, but he does have to figure out where he's going. "You made your bed now lay in it" doesn't really solve that one, and it's not like he's demonstrated that he's dangerous or violent. Just a chode.
posted by emptythought at 8:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I would think if he's already agreed to leave, he should not be sleeping there anymore. Like, maybe his stuff can stay there until the 1st (at the latest!), but he needs to lay his head elsewhere. It would be best if he could just come and pick up his clothes and leave his key.
posted by blueberry at 8:41 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by blueberry at 8:41 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Please do guard anything especially important to you. Or anything you want to keep, really. He's probably not the type to attack pets, from what you said, but it has happened.
posted by Jacen at 8:58 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Jacen at 8:58 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Good job on taking that hard step to break things off with him. Go, Nicole21!!
It sounds like he was already on the outs: that makes me both angry and relieved. Angry he was already plotting his next move and relieved that he won't be sticking around to pester (or harass) you.
As the move-out date, such BS on his part, grr!!! As emptythought said, this guy is going to land on his feet, moving on to the next person he can find to mooch off on. He should be out of there soon, asap, by Monday at the latest. Your brother and/or mom can stay with you until he's out and the locks are changed (or at least given you back his key.)
Good luck staying strong! You can reflect on the relationship later on but, for now, please be angry at him and not at yourself. Be proud of yourself for recognizing what was happening and then immediately taking action!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:13 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
It sounds like he was already on the outs: that makes me both angry and relieved. Angry he was already plotting his next move and relieved that he won't be sticking around to pester (or harass) you.
As the move-out date, such BS on his part, grr!!! As emptythought said, this guy is going to land on his feet, moving on to the next person he can find to mooch off on. He should be out of there soon, asap, by Monday at the latest. Your brother and/or mom can stay with you until he's out and the locks are changed (or at least given you back his key.)
Good luck staying strong! You can reflect on the relationship later on but, for now, please be angry at him and not at yourself. Be proud of yourself for recognizing what was happening and then immediately taking action!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:13 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
Have someone stay over until he is totally gone, get the locks changed, and make sure the landlord knows not to let him in.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:24 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 9:24 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I will try to get him to leave earlier. I do have a feeling that he thinks I will forgive him in a few days. But I am going to stay strong because I really want him out of my life. I am afraid that if I tell him to move out sooner, he might change his mind and just decide to stay. I know I will be miserable for the next few weeks. But he works evenings, usually around 4pm to midnight or later so I don't think I will have to see him too much.
posted by Nicole21 at 10:02 PM on September 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Nicole21 at 10:02 PM on September 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: From your description of him, it doesn't sound like he has the wherewithal to get himself organized for a big legal battle within the next 1-2 days. He is not going to get it together to sue you or whatever in a month, either. He has no teeth, just a big mouth.
All he said was are you serious and do you want me to move out.
That's all he said because this is what he's been afraid of since you found that text. He's been wondering how long he can work you, but also thinking about a backup plan just in case you got mad enough. He's got a couch in mind, no doubt.
You've got the power. He can't get out of being caught, it's all out in the open, it's done. And, there's a certain momentum going on, right now, that you can use to your advantage if you move on this immediately (next 1-2 days).
You do have to stay pissed, though. Keep the tension high. Ask your mom or brother to stay around you. Don't even talk to him, other than telling him what time he needs to leave, don't let him talk - do not give one inch.
I think that if you wait, things might start to feel normal again, and he'll drag his ass with one excuse after another, try to work you, and yeah, stay as long as he can. It is just going to be misery. And I wonder whether even though you obviously want him gone (and yay to that!), you might have a hard time finding the right moment, or the right energy, to really kick him physically out out, if you wait.
Just this second, he is not in a position to insist upon anything. Act now, and it can just be done with.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:21 PM on September 5, 2015 [17 favorites]
All he said was are you serious and do you want me to move out.
That's all he said because this is what he's been afraid of since you found that text. He's been wondering how long he can work you, but also thinking about a backup plan just in case you got mad enough. He's got a couch in mind, no doubt.
You've got the power. He can't get out of being caught, it's all out in the open, it's done. And, there's a certain momentum going on, right now, that you can use to your advantage if you move on this immediately (next 1-2 days).
You do have to stay pissed, though. Keep the tension high. Ask your mom or brother to stay around you. Don't even talk to him, other than telling him what time he needs to leave, don't let him talk - do not give one inch.
I think that if you wait, things might start to feel normal again, and he'll drag his ass with one excuse after another, try to work you, and yeah, stay as long as he can. It is just going to be misery. And I wonder whether even though you obviously want him gone (and yay to that!), you might have a hard time finding the right moment, or the right energy, to really kick him physically out out, if you wait.
Just this second, he is not in a position to insist upon anything. Act now, and it can just be done with.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:21 PM on September 5, 2015 [17 favorites]
Honey, this guy is taking you for a ride. Don't feel sorry for him.
I'm concerned that his agreeing to move out is another gaslighting/manipulative attempt on his part, thinking you're not strong enough to follow up your convictions, and that he'll connive his way back in with you.
Stay strong, you've made the right decision.
posted by NatalieWood at 2:30 AM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm concerned that his agreeing to move out is another gaslighting/manipulative attempt on his part, thinking you're not strong enough to follow up your convictions, and that he'll connive his way back in with you.
Stay strong, you've made the right decision.
posted by NatalieWood at 2:30 AM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also stop driving him to work now as that will give him further incentive to leave faster. But to answer the original question, yes he is lying and yes you should definitely break up with him.
posted by bquarters at 4:18 AM on September 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by bquarters at 4:18 AM on September 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother's death. A true man of character would've been treating you like royalty and taking care of you at this difficult time. So glad you are kicking him out and your family is supporting you! If your resolve ever wavers in the next few days or weeks, please remind yourself of what you wrote here:
"I've always had uneasy feelings about him" (As well you should!)
"there is something not right about this guy" (100% correct!)
"I have always had some trust issues with him" (Yup: because he is not a trustworthy person at all. He lied, name-called you, and continues to gaslight you repeatedly.)
"He quickly deleted the messages and said there is nothing here. I told him you deleted them and he denied it." (He was lying in a painfully obvious, shitty way. Wow. Just wow.)
"I told him if he ever starts smoking again, we are breaking up. So he gets in the car and I said did you buy cigarettes? He gets angry at me and says no of course not. Why would I buy them? I said, what is in your right pocket? He said nothing, just stuff. I said can I see what is in it? He said no." (He refused because he was lying and there clearly were cigarettes in his pocket that he did not want you to see, obviously. Ugh.)
"He keeps telling me I am crazy" (What a horrible thing for him to call you. That's emotional abuse.)
"I don't want to be with someone who constantly lies to me." (Amen! And so you must follow-though on getting rid of this guy in order to find someone in the future who actually will be honest with you.)
Pro-tips: Next time, wait a lot longer before allowing a boyfriend to move into your space (like after at least a year+ of dating and getting to know him very well). If you have any reservations at all about the man's general character, break up with him immediately. Pretty please stop chauffeuring boyfriends around and picking up their dry-cleaning - you're not an Uber driver nor a personal assistant.
posted by hush at 10:03 AM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
"I've always had uneasy feelings about him" (As well you should!)
"there is something not right about this guy" (100% correct!)
"I have always had some trust issues with him" (Yup: because he is not a trustworthy person at all. He lied, name-called you, and continues to gaslight you repeatedly.)
"He quickly deleted the messages and said there is nothing here. I told him you deleted them and he denied it." (He was lying in a painfully obvious, shitty way. Wow. Just wow.)
"I told him if he ever starts smoking again, we are breaking up. So he gets in the car and I said did you buy cigarettes? He gets angry at me and says no of course not. Why would I buy them? I said, what is in your right pocket? He said nothing, just stuff. I said can I see what is in it? He said no." (He refused because he was lying and there clearly were cigarettes in his pocket that he did not want you to see, obviously. Ugh.)
"He keeps telling me I am crazy" (What a horrible thing for him to call you. That's emotional abuse.)
"I don't want to be with someone who constantly lies to me." (Amen! And so you must follow-though on getting rid of this guy in order to find someone in the future who actually will be honest with you.)
Pro-tips: Next time, wait a lot longer before allowing a boyfriend to move into your space (like after at least a year+ of dating and getting to know him very well). If you have any reservations at all about the man's general character, break up with him immediately. Pretty please stop chauffeuring boyfriends around and picking up their dry-cleaning - you're not an Uber driver nor a personal assistant.
posted by hush at 10:03 AM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm with cotton dress sock here: You have the power!! You can and will have him move out much, much earlier. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to give partners a ride but this is definitely not one of them: he can find rides, get his dry cleaning, etc. You are absolved of doing anything more for him (other than, say, getting him boxes and packing up his stuff and leaving it outside your place if he's not gone by Monday!)
If I may say so, I'm like you in that I naturally really want to help people. This is both a strength and a weakness. However, it's totally possible to find a way to strike a good balance and make sure that positive energy is going to the right people -- those who need it and are appreciative -- versus leeches like this guy. Again, don't beat yourself up over it but do make it a goal. You can start achieving it now by drawing the line and sticking to it. That's also one reason it's good that your mom and/or brother are there: to keep you from backsliding (hey, we've all done it!) and also keep him from getting scary once he realizes you DO mean it for real. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:33 AM on September 6, 2015
If I may say so, I'm like you in that I naturally really want to help people. This is both a strength and a weakness. However, it's totally possible to find a way to strike a good balance and make sure that positive energy is going to the right people -- those who need it and are appreciative -- versus leeches like this guy. Again, don't beat yourself up over it but do make it a goal. You can start achieving it now by drawing the line and sticking to it. That's also one reason it's good that your mom and/or brother are there: to keep you from backsliding (hey, we've all done it!) and also keep him from getting scary once he realizes you DO mean it for real. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:33 AM on September 6, 2015
Response by poster: Thank you again for all the replies. Reading all the answers here have made me see things so much clearer. I have definitely stopped driving him to work. He is going to have to take a taxi now. I am hoping he will move out sooner since he has to sleep on the floor now.
He did pay his rent for September. I have never had a problem with him not paying his share of the bills. I haven't talked to him since yesterday. He just woke up and went straight to work. I was pretty relieved I didn't have to see him.
I know he hasn't been a very nice person, but I do still feel a little bad. I think having my mom here will prevent me from taking him back. I really just want him to move out ASAP so I don't have to see or talk to him. I know that as soon as I see him again, all my feelings for him will come rushing back.
posted by Nicole21 at 2:31 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
He did pay his rent for September. I have never had a problem with him not paying his share of the bills. I haven't talked to him since yesterday. He just woke up and went straight to work. I was pretty relieved I didn't have to see him.
I know he hasn't been a very nice person, but I do still feel a little bad. I think having my mom here will prevent me from taking him back. I really just want him to move out ASAP so I don't have to see or talk to him. I know that as soon as I see him again, all my feelings for him will come rushing back.
posted by Nicole21 at 2:31 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Good for you!!
I'm not usually so blunt about this stuff but it sounds like you're open to that directness right now. We can be the "bad guys" of your conscience if you're not feeling that yet yourself. Don't feel bad because he has to leave; feel bad because you've let him mooch off of you for so long! Don't let him keep living there because it tells him that he can keep using you. He should be taking action immediately to find a new place, not avoiding it by simply not talking to you due to his schedule. Not cool, no way.
You can always return his rent for September (or a pro-rated amount) if that'd make you feel better. However, you can give him the cash while you and your mom are at the doorway as he's returning the key and taking his last suitcase out with him. (Not earlier because he might use it as an excuse to not leave.) He can then use that money to find somewhere new but it's no longer your burden, yea!!
What have your mom and brother said about all of this?
posted by smorgasbord at 2:57 PM on September 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm not usually so blunt about this stuff but it sounds like you're open to that directness right now. We can be the "bad guys" of your conscience if you're not feeling that yet yourself. Don't feel bad because he has to leave; feel bad because you've let him mooch off of you for so long! Don't let him keep living there because it tells him that he can keep using you. He should be taking action immediately to find a new place, not avoiding it by simply not talking to you due to his schedule. Not cool, no way.
You can always return his rent for September (or a pro-rated amount) if that'd make you feel better. However, you can give him the cash while you and your mom are at the doorway as he's returning the key and taking his last suitcase out with him. (Not earlier because he might use it as an excuse to not leave.) He can then use that money to find somewhere new but it's no longer your burden, yea!!
What have your mom and brother said about all of this?
posted by smorgasbord at 2:57 PM on September 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
Nicole, when you see him, don't let yourself think about nice times with him, or how cute and sad and sorry he looks. Don't listen to any words he says, they're all going to be lies.
Focus on the facts that you saw with your own eyes.
Focus on the reality that all this time that you've been driving him around and picking up his dry cleaning, he's been with someone else. What was her name? She has a name, she's real. And he's been totally fine with making you out to be "crazy" so that he could keep using you and taking from you. Focus on those facts and make yourself hard so that you can protect yourself.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:46 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Focus on the facts that you saw with your own eyes.
Focus on the reality that all this time that you've been driving him around and picking up his dry cleaning, he's been with someone else. What was her name? She has a name, she's real. And he's been totally fine with making you out to be "crazy" so that he could keep using you and taking from you. Focus on those facts and make yourself hard so that you can protect yourself.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:46 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
If he hasn't got anything of worth I'd be worried about him taking your things. Can you lock up anything of value, or take it to a friends house? As if he's been lying to you so much he might be the type to take your things, especially if he hasn't got anything himself.
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 5:03 PM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 5:03 PM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: What have your mom and brother said about all of this?
My mom was never very fond of him. But she accepted him because I liked him. She was always concerned that he was up to something. Sometimes when she was over he would go outside to talk on the phone and she would get upset and say he must be having secret conversations if he can't talk in the house. Maybe he was secretly smoking when he was outside, who knows. I was a bit sad today and my mom told me I shouldn't be sad. I should be happy because I am finally getting this loser out of my life. When I told my brother about the texts before, he told me there is no way those messages were old and that he is definitely lying to me. He is also glad I'm getting this guy out of my life and has been really supportive.
If he hasn't got anything of worth I'd be worried about him taking your things. Can you lock up anything of value, or take it to a friends house? As if he's been lying to you so much he might be the type to take your things, especially if he hasn't got anything himself.
I don't have too many valuable things. I don't keep any cash in the house. I'm sure my mom would let me keep some things at her place until he is gone. I really hope he wouldn't ever take my stuff but who knows.
posted by Nicole21 at 5:57 PM on September 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
My mom was never very fond of him. But she accepted him because I liked him. She was always concerned that he was up to something. Sometimes when she was over he would go outside to talk on the phone and she would get upset and say he must be having secret conversations if he can't talk in the house. Maybe he was secretly smoking when he was outside, who knows. I was a bit sad today and my mom told me I shouldn't be sad. I should be happy because I am finally getting this loser out of my life. When I told my brother about the texts before, he told me there is no way those messages were old and that he is definitely lying to me. He is also glad I'm getting this guy out of my life and has been really supportive.
If he hasn't got anything of worth I'd be worried about him taking your things. Can you lock up anything of value, or take it to a friends house? As if he's been lying to you so much he might be the type to take your things, especially if he hasn't got anything himself.
I don't have too many valuable things. I don't keep any cash in the house. I'm sure my mom would let me keep some things at her place until he is gone. I really hope he wouldn't ever take my stuff but who knows.
posted by Nicole21 at 5:57 PM on September 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Your Mom and brother are spot on.
Whenever you start to feel bad for him, just think of that picture on his phone of the girl wearing his t-shirt.
posted by NatalieWood at 7:32 PM on September 6, 2015 [12 favorites]
Whenever you start to feel bad for him, just think of that picture on his phone of the girl wearing his t-shirt.
posted by NatalieWood at 7:32 PM on September 6, 2015 [12 favorites]
It is perfectly OK to feel sad about this. This relationship wasn't what you thought it was. There is mourning to be done. But that sadness doesn't mean that you're doing the wrong thing. You deserve so much more.
posted by macinchik at 11:24 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by macinchik at 11:24 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
After reflecting on this during a long plane ride... Another thing to remember, if you get sad, is that this guy literally did not even give a shit about you enough to put any effort in to lying.
He used the laziest, most transparent, low effort lie. He cared that little.
Let that one marinate when it stings. Thinking about that sort of thing has definitely helped me get over shitty people who treated me like crap in low effort or half assed disappointing ways.
posted by emptythought at 11:41 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
He used the laziest, most transparent, low effort lie. He cared that little.
Let that one marinate when it stings. Thinking about that sort of thing has definitely helped me get over shitty people who treated me like crap in low effort or half assed disappointing ways.
posted by emptythought at 11:41 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm glad your family is being so supportive!
Just wanted to check in: how are things going for you today?
posted by smorgasbord at 11:59 AM on September 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just wanted to check in: how are things going for you today?
posted by smorgasbord at 11:59 AM on September 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm glad your family is being so supportive!
Just wanted to check in: how are things going for you today?
They have been okay. I was super sad last night. I had no idea why but I just cried for a bit. I felt a lot better afterwards though. Today I've gone from being sad, to being angry, to just being okay. I've been trying to keep busy to get my mind off of things.
Thank you for checking in!
posted by Nicole21 at 1:00 PM on September 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
Just wanted to check in: how are things going for you today?
They have been okay. I was super sad last night. I had no idea why but I just cried for a bit. I felt a lot better afterwards though. Today I've gone from being sad, to being angry, to just being okay. I've been trying to keep busy to get my mind off of things.
Thank you for checking in!
posted by Nicole21 at 1:00 PM on September 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
Today I've gone from being sad, to being angry, to just being okay.
That is excellent. I think you are doing great. It's okay and normal to be sad: you are saying goodbye to something that you thought was good and pure. Even if it wasn't, that thought alone is something that you may need to mourn for a while.
But you'll be fine. You sound smart and strong. Yay you!
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:31 AM on September 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
That is excellent. I think you are doing great. It's okay and normal to be sad: you are saying goodbye to something that you thought was good and pure. Even if it wasn't, that thought alone is something that you may need to mourn for a while.
But you'll be fine. You sound smart and strong. Yay you!
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:31 AM on September 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I just wanted to give a quick update. He did move out on the 1st. I confirmed that he was indeed cheating. One of his friends (ex-friends now I think?) told me after he left. I've been feeling pretty numb lately about the entire situation. I am more angry right now than anything. I was extremely upset at first and crying all the time. Now I just feel like punching him in the face.
This entire situation has been so crazy and surreal. I never thought I would ever be in this kind of situation. I am kicking myself for not leaving this relationship earlier and wasting over a year of my life with this man. But I am also so grateful that it was only a year I wasted and not longer.
I wanted to thank everyone again for everything. You all made me see that leaving this relationship was the best thing I could do for myself. It's crazy how blind I was. My gut was telling me from the very beginning something was off and I just chose to ignore it and blame my insecurities. I know from now on to listen to that gut feeling. I think I will come out of this a better person. Thank you again.
posted by Nicole21 at 11:59 PM on October 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
This entire situation has been so crazy and surreal. I never thought I would ever be in this kind of situation. I am kicking myself for not leaving this relationship earlier and wasting over a year of my life with this man. But I am also so grateful that it was only a year I wasted and not longer.
I wanted to thank everyone again for everything. You all made me see that leaving this relationship was the best thing I could do for myself. It's crazy how blind I was. My gut was telling me from the very beginning something was off and I just chose to ignore it and blame my insecurities. I know from now on to listen to that gut feeling. I think I will come out of this a better person. Thank you again.
posted by Nicole21 at 11:59 PM on October 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
Congratulations! Good for you. And stay angry. Angry takes you further than sad.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:18 AM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:18 AM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by theodolite at 2:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [141 favorites]