We will name our first child after you.

December 6, 2005 7:31 AM

DatingFilter: I'd like to send a message to a guy on Friendster, but I can't decide what I'd like to say.

I'm fairly freshly out of a relationship I'd been in since college graduation, so I've never really dated in the big scary world. I noticed a fellow on Friendster who seems like an interesting guy--we have similar interests and live in the same corner of the world. (We don't have friends in common; he came up because he's local.) I'd like to send a casual message suggesting that we go get a beer, but I'm wondering (straight MeFites in particular) what kind of message would grab your attention.

posted by hamster to human relations (37 comments total)

I'd be impressed by someone who sent something concise and to the point, but that explained *why* I caught their attention. The last thing you want is for what you write to look like something you've sent to countless others. I don't know much about Friendster but I'd probably advise you suggesting that the two of you try chatting sometime (before jumping into an actual face-to-face), but that's just shy old me.
posted by justonegirl at 7:43 AM on December 6, 2005

Perhaps talk to him about something other than going out for beer at first. Whatever your similar interests are. Then if that goes well, ask him out some night, maybe in a group setting.

As far as attention grabbers, I'm not sure, but stay away from anything about you being freshly out of a relationship.

That said, I always like receiving slightly mysterious messages from strangers.
posted by dead_ at 7:44 AM on December 6, 2005

Yea, all messages that seem as though they've been cut-and-pasted go right in the trash. Ask him about something particular- "So, I see you like the Harry Potters books- what do you think about the new movie?". So do that once, see if he responds, and THEN be like, hey, let's get coffee, food, making out, etc.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:46 AM on December 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

And I hear ya about not dating in the "real world"- when I first started it was scaaaaaaaary. Good luck to you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:47 AM on December 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

Hahaha at the title of the page.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:48 AM on December 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

"Nice to see another $band fan in $city is on here. My favorite song of theirs is $song. What's yours?"

Or something similar. Ask him about something the two of you have in common, based on what his profile says are his favorites.
posted by emelenjr at 8:00 AM on December 6, 2005

w/r/t the title of the page -- it IS funny, but:

one thing about internet dating that is good to know right off the bat is that you should begin by banishing all thoughts of "first children". Even joking ones.

You don't know the person at all yet. Keep your expectations extremely low; you'll be less likely to be disappointed and less likely to intimidate yourself out of contacting him.

Embark on a conversation with the simple idea of exploring someone who seems interesting, keeping an open mind about whether or not it will go any further. I learned early on how easy it is to get starry-eyed over a well-written profile and nice pic, and start imagining romantic vacations with people, only to deflate upon receipt of their first inarticulate, misspelled, and bumbling e-mail communication.
posted by Miko at 8:01 AM on December 6, 2005

"So, I saw you on Friendster, and I was thinking I'd like to send a message to you, but I can't decide what I'd like to say. You seem like an interesting guy--we have similar interests and live in the same corner of the world. (We don't have friends in common; you came up because you're local.) I I was thinking I'd like to send a casual message suggesting that we go get a beer, but I didn't know what kind of message would grab your attention."


That's the sort of message I would have sent, back in my dating days. Honest, casual, disarming, not all smooth and fakey.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:04 AM on December 6, 2005

If I got that message, MrMoonPie, I'd erase it (unless you were really good looking!). It sounds not at all personal- I would figure you just copied and pasted it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:12 AM on December 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

Au contraire, I would be won over by MrMoonPie's message. It strikes me as more authentic, modest and honest than some cloying attempt to strike up a conversation about an arbitrary similarity.
posted by cloeburner at 8:17 AM on December 6, 2005

Well, there ya go! I hope this thread doesn't make you bang your head against a wall, hamster. I find that message so.... plain. Boring. And, probably cut and pasted, which is why I would ignore it (unless he was really good looking- I know, sounds awful, but it's true and you'd all do it too!)
Although.... it appears you're a man, cloeburner (based on profile), so maybe hamster should listen to you, not me. It's a completely different ball game for men and women in the online dating world- usually, men initiate contact and women respond. For me, my thing is that I want to weed out guys who are just spamming all the girls they think are puuurdy (most messages I get are junk) and find someone with a brain looking to meet someone with a brain. Guys probably don't have that problem (do they?)
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:24 AM on December 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

Man oh man, dating is a whole new ball of wax. I'm still trying to get used to letting them pay (which I hate hate hate, but fighting about it is worse)!

Would details help? He's 32, smart, cute, works with delinquent youth as a counselor, wants to get an MSW, loves cheap beer and honky-tonk bars with good jukeboxes and apple pie. I'm 25, work for a nonprofit, like honky tonk bars, bake a sublime apple pie.

I was thinking, "Hey, your profile turned up through some fluke of the universe, and you seem like someone I'd get along with. I think we live in the same corner of the universe--do you want to go get a beer sometime? My number is xxx-xxxx, or just write me back."
posted by hamster at 8:31 AM on December 6, 2005

Sounds good, hamster!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:36 AM on December 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

Agreed.
posted by cloeburner at 8:39 AM on December 6, 2005

I'm inferring that you are female, so I'd say that it doesn't matter much what you write as long as it doesn't contain shades of creepy, clingy, or psycho. Actually, at this early stage, the more you say can only hurt you. Take something specific about his profile and make a crack about it. Two, three lines at the most. This is an opening salvo, that's all. (Don't try to set up a date on the very first message!)

Guys do not get as many online replies as ladies and he will check out your profile. Online, your profile is the real inital convesation. This is where you will woo him with you're awesomeness.

If he writes back, then ask him out for the beer. Good luck!
posted by 4easypayments at 8:41 AM on December 6, 2005

you're = your, inital = initial. Ladies love the grammar.
posted by 4easypayments at 8:45 AM on December 6, 2005

I had a long-term relationship result from a message I sent to a guy on Friendster. I'm not even sure I was really interested in him when I wrote to him, but he intrigued me, and I wrote with a question about something in his profile. He wrote back (with his personal email address, because Friendster can be a little buggy), we corresponded for about a week, then he actually invited me out. So, I would suggest asking him about something in his profile that interests you. I agree with 4easypayments that you should hold off on trying to set up a date.
posted by amro at 8:50 AM on December 6, 2005

Erm, I don't know if I'd give out my phone number right away. Just in case the guy's a psycho (and it can be hard to tell sometimes), you want to protect yourself. I usually wait until the date is arranged, and then give my number as a way to contact me if the other person is lost or late.

My experience with online dating is that most women don't need to upsell like guys do. The times that I initiated contact, I always got a reply. My male friends have all told me that they get few to no contacts from women, and even when the male does the initial contact, there may seldom be a response. So I think it is easier to be a heterosexual woman in the online dating world. My other piece of advice, then, would be to be true to yourself. Don't try to come across as the person you think he'd like you to be. Just be yourself. This sounds pretty obvious, but I had a hard time trusting that I was good enough for a relationship after my first one blew up in my face. So don't worry so much about "grabbing his attention," you'll be doing that just by contacting him. What you have written above sounds good, but in addition you might want to say what it was that makes you think you'd get along (honky tonk, apple pie, etc.)

Anyway, good for you for going out there and getting back in the game! It takes a lot of courage, and I hope that as you go along your confidence will increase. Mine certainly did. Just a note- I spent about 2 years in the online dating scene (OKCupid, Yahoo, and eHarmony), through which I went on countless dates, had a few casual sexual relationships, met one psycho uber-Christian guy, had one short relationship that is now a decent friendship, decided to give up dating altogether, then found a solid, long-term relationship that has brought me a lot of joy and love. Dating (whether online or off) is a lot about playing the odds. So continuing to date, even after you get discouraged, is a very difficult but very useful action. Good luck.
posted by sarahnade at 9:01 AM on December 6, 2005

yeah, i second the not-giving-out-your-number suggestion. i'm sure the dude will write you back via friendster. getting a girl's phone number or even real-world email address usually takes some work on the part of the guy. To give it up right away would almost suggest that you were 'easy' as it were (in the online realm).
posted by garethspor at 9:37 AM on December 6, 2005

My male friends have all told me that they get few to no contacts from women

Heh, from one perspective, in my 20s I would have jumped on any E-mail from a girl my age. Seriously. Even with a great job, money, and being in shape, I had an endless string of lonely Saturday nights and was pretty much always in the "friend zone" (fortunately that changed and I have a wife and kid). So while the guy may not have time or interest in a date, it could just as well be that the guy is desperate.

This doesn't have any bearing on the excellent advice above (initial contact and then a date). But I think one tiny insight is that even back in those days I would have set aside any E-mail suggesting a group activity or something too focused on one specific activity & subject. Even in the friend zone, I tended to weigh [significant] time investments with the probability of not getting any romance or action.
posted by rolypolyman at 9:46 AM on December 6, 2005

make that time & money investments, too
posted by rolypolyman at 9:47 AM on December 6, 2005

"Dear hamster. You said universe twice. Are you a hippy?"

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
posted by jon_kill at 10:23 AM on December 6, 2005

I've dated two people with whom I initiated contact on Friendster; both times I asked them a question related to one of their favorite books, like if they read the most recent one by that author. I didn't mention anything about getting together in the first few emails, it sort of happened after a week or so in both cases.
posted by superkim at 10:29 AM on December 6, 2005

I've had random people contact me on Friendster and I usually turn them down because (a) they were very obviously dodgy and (b) I stated on my profile that I was only interested in people I had already known from someplace else.

I did, however, respond to a couple of people who:

a) Mentioned something about my interests (someone else who like Jostein Gaarder found me)
b) Told me how they found me (a few were friends of friends)
c) Weren't sleazy
d) Could generally spell (urgh, the horrors)

That might give you something to consider with your message.
posted by divabat at 11:04 AM on December 6, 2005

Nice catch on "universe," jon_kill. I'm only part hippy, and I'm a sad excuse for a copyeditor.
posted by hamster at 11:05 AM on December 6, 2005

d) Could generally spell (urgh, the horrors)

Funny how that tends to weed out 90% of people, isn't it? Frightening. "hey u are real cute we shoudl get togheter"- hmmm, I'll have to think long and hard about that one.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:27 AM on December 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

For me, my thing is that I want to weed out guys who are just spamming all the girls they think are puuurdy (most messages I get are junk) and find someone with a brain looking to meet someone with a brain. Guys probably don't have that problem (do they?)

Only if they're very good looking.

;)
posted by weston at 11:34 AM on December 6, 2005

Someone who included their number in the first mail would make me raise an eyebrow and I like forward women. And while it seems very business-formal-like, I would personally respond better to someone who made it clear in some way they were interested in real-life friends. I do not respond well to random chatty email, though in fairness I am not a friendster user so probably the wrong demographic.
posted by phearlez at 12:12 PM on December 6, 2005

I'm still trying to get used to letting them pay (which I hate hate hate, but fighting about it is worse)!

Just say you'll split the bill firmly & decisively. No need to let them pay if you hate it.

As for the message, I think MrMoonPie's message is good, but add a few details about apple pie and honky tonk bars. No phone number.

"So, I saw you on Friendster, and I was thinking I'd like to send a message to you, but I can't decide what I'd like to say. You seem like an interesting guy and we have some things in common - we both love apple pie and honky tonk bars. (We don't have friends in common; you came up because you're local.) I was thinking I'd like to send a casual message suggesting that we go get a beer at [fill in a honky tonk bar, if possible] - or a slice of apple pie [fill in pie place, if possible] -, but I didn't know what kind of message would grab your attention."

Probably true any message will do, but why not try to make a good impression?
posted by Amizu at 2:05 PM on December 6, 2005

"Hey Jason! I was searching for cool people in my area with great musical tastes, and you ranked pretty high. According to your profile, your pretty cute and like cheap beer. I'm intrigued.

I'll keep this short, but if your interested after reading my profile, and not intimidated by a 3-time Apple Pie eating champion, drop me a line."

Perfectly confident, vulnerable, sassy, and fun. I think most guys would go for that.
posted by jasondigitized at 4:22 PM on December 6, 2005

I'd like to send a message to a guy on Friendster, but I can't decide what I'd like to say.

Ask him a simple question (yet one that cannot be answered in one word) about something that he talks about in his profile. It gives him a reason to write you back, and something to talk about, and then you can start developing a line of communication, which will help you know if he's someone you might want to get to know.
posted by 23skidoo at 5:54 PM on December 6, 2005

I'm with the people who've been recommending starting a general email conversation first...but then again, I'm female and spend more time ignoring weird or creepy friendster/myspace messages than responding to 'em.

I've had a couple fun friendster/myspace dating experiences and everytime it's been because someone sent me a message that was funny/witty/smart/different/entertaining (pick your adjective) and made me want to respond. We then emailed back and forth for a few weeks before ever meeting, and even then it was more of a "let's meet in person and hang out" thing than "let's meet in person and date" thing.

Basically, my advice is to make him laugh with your message -- but I'm a total sucker for a sense of humor.
posted by awegz at 6:15 PM on December 6, 2005

You're already overthinking things! Stop! Just send him a message already!

But since you asked, I will say a few things... As someone who never knows how to initiate contact either, I'd say it's best not to stress out over it. As evidenced already in this thread, you really have no idea what he is going to like or not like in a random message. And you never know, he may be someone who doesn't respond to random messages, period. So just say something simple that shows interest, but not extreme interest (no phone numbers!), and try to be yourself - don't put on a show. I mean, I would probably make some lame joke about pie/pi or something, because that's what I do. Make lame punny jokes and expect people to think I'm charming. Hah!
posted by jetskiaccidents at 7:13 PM on December 6, 2005

Late to the party... but I'd say: bust a gut to find a Friendster link and get him into your network. Two years I'd rejected several advances from random women on Friendster, but when one came up from someone in my network I responded even though she was a few jumps away and it looked like we didn't have much in common. A handful of messages back and forth led to a date, and we knew within 24 hours we'd be together for a while. We still are. So it can work.
posted by Hogshead at 5:23 PM on December 7, 2005

Hey Hamster - tell us what happened, willya?
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:51 AM on December 8, 2005

Thanks, all! I wrote something brief ... I think it said, "I noticed your profile and wondered if you'd want to go get a beer sometime. I'm reasonably sane, gainfully employed, and I bake one hell of an apple pie." I included my email address.

He wrote back with something charming based on my profile: "The way I figure it anyone that bakes, listens to [local radio station] all day long, and is sitting ringside at closing time is keen to the secrets of life and worth meeting ... I'd love to get a beer sometime."

We're making plans for this week ... we've both promised to bring quarters for the jukebox.

Yay, and thanks y'all for the advice ... he's awfully cute.
posted by hamster at 10:38 PM on December 11, 2005

Want more updates!
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:37 AM on December 20, 2005