How should I have handled this difficult meeting? How to regain respect?
September 1, 2015 6:32 AM Subscribe
Basically, what happened last night was that during a meeting people were continuing to argue about how to determine the next course of action for an organization. As president, I decided to go with my gut and pushed for a third option, but I did so in a way that sounded like I was trying to push my role as the organization's leader to get my suggestion through. During this time my body language and patience deteriorated and it became a me vs everybody else situation where everybody suddenly had collectively found the solution that they wanted to reach, and at that point I had to concede my opinion and let their's represent the taken direction.
Honestly I feel like complete shit right now and I know that people lost respect in me last night because I didn't respect the possibility of simply listening to them at that point. How do I earn their respect again? And as for the above scenario, how should I have approached the situation differently?
Honestly I feel like complete shit right now and I know that people lost respect in me last night because I didn't respect the possibility of simply listening to them at that point. How do I earn their respect again? And as for the above scenario, how should I have approached the situation differently?
Hey, it sounds like you helped them reach a consensus! I'm not being flippant - perhaps they only way they could get their squabbles between option A and option B into perspective and reach a good compromise, was to be seriously threatened with an option C.
If it helps, frame it to yourself like that in order to stop feeling so bad about it. Sometimes the role of a leader isn't to choose, it's to shake things up a bit so that the team can democratically go forward.
Leading a group can be hard, tiring and thankless. Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up.
posted by greenish at 6:48 AM on September 1, 2015 [15 favorites]
If it helps, frame it to yourself like that in order to stop feeling so bad about it. Sometimes the role of a leader isn't to choose, it's to shake things up a bit so that the team can democratically go forward.
Leading a group can be hard, tiring and thankless. Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up.
posted by greenish at 6:48 AM on September 1, 2015 [15 favorites]
If you had respect from them before, you ought to be able to go back to them and have one on one conversations that help. I'd be careful those don't sound like you're reopening the original question (well, I suppose you could if you really wanted to, but that could go poorly). More like "I wanted to talk to you about how to implement Decision C. I got a little heated and wasn't thinking very clearly at that meeting.* Over time, I've come to understand its benefits and really value the leadership you showed in driving us to that solution." *I might also apologize at some point around here, depending on how egregious your behavior was. If you just had strong opinions that didn't prevail, then yeah, it's a failure of leadership and it's embarrassing, but it might not necessitate an apology.
posted by salvia at 6:57 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 6:57 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
In many organizations, the president is a non-voting entity, but can supervise and make suggestions. It sounds like your suggestion made your team consider the other options in a different light, and they made a decision, so hooray!
Everybody loses patience once in awhile. I doubt anyone is going over this one conversation as much as you have been. If anyone brings it up the next time you meet, you may want to apologize if you were overly stubborn or stepped over your boundaries, but I'll bet it'll just be on to the next thing.
posted by xingcat at 6:59 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Everybody loses patience once in awhile. I doubt anyone is going over this one conversation as much as you have been. If anyone brings it up the next time you meet, you may want to apologize if you were overly stubborn or stepped over your boundaries, but I'll bet it'll just be on to the next thing.
posted by xingcat at 6:59 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
The fact that you're reflecting on your own behavior this way means you're a better boss than most.
You're probably making a bigger deal of this in your head than anyone actually took it. But you can make it better by simply acknowledging your behavior to a few people. "I really got flustered when we got into the details of [option c]. I hope I wasn't pushy."
Say that one-on-one to somebody as you're pouring your coffee in the break room, and later to somebody else as you're chatting about the meeting in the hall. And that's it. Word will spread as it needs to, if it needs to at all.
Do not send an email to everyone with a lengthy apology, because that will turn this into a bigger incident than it really is.
posted by ejbenjamin at 7:03 AM on September 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
You're probably making a bigger deal of this in your head than anyone actually took it. But you can make it better by simply acknowledging your behavior to a few people. "I really got flustered when we got into the details of [option c]. I hope I wasn't pushy."
Say that one-on-one to somebody as you're pouring your coffee in the break room, and later to somebody else as you're chatting about the meeting in the hall. And that's it. Word will spread as it needs to, if it needs to at all.
Do not send an email to everyone with a lengthy apology, because that will turn this into a bigger incident than it really is.
posted by ejbenjamin at 7:03 AM on September 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
ejbenjamin totally has it. You're not worried about official repercussions, you're worried about gossip/opinion, so approach it from a chat/gossip perspective.
I also agree with greenish in that you did fill your role as president very well. You led a discussion, people came to a consensus, and the meeting ended with that consensus as the final plan going forward. Is part of your hesitation that you're still not 100% behind that plan? If so, then it's time to get that way. If people were to complain that you were monopolizing the discussion of being heavy-handed with your power during the discussion, you want it to be clear that you're done with that now, and from here on out you're using your presidential power (such as it is) to support the group consensus.
posted by aimedwander at 7:17 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also agree with greenish in that you did fill your role as president very well. You led a discussion, people came to a consensus, and the meeting ended with that consensus as the final plan going forward. Is part of your hesitation that you're still not 100% behind that plan? If so, then it's time to get that way. If people were to complain that you were monopolizing the discussion of being heavy-handed with your power during the discussion, you want it to be clear that you're done with that now, and from here on out you're using your presidential power (such as it is) to support the group consensus.
posted by aimedwander at 7:17 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not entirely clear how often you get together and all those details, but I think it would be great at the next meeting to just start by briefly mentioning that you're so pleased the group reached this consensus, and that's when you smile and say, "even though I lost my cool and I apologize for that," and you begin discussing how the group will implement this change (or whatever).
posted by kinetic at 8:14 AM on September 1, 2015
posted by kinetic at 8:14 AM on September 1, 2015
just want to echo greenish. if i understand right, you did listen to them. maybe you wish you could have done it sooner, but in my book it sounds like you did ok. apologise for whatever you felt you did wrong, and then move on. you could be a lot worse!
posted by andrewcooke at 9:34 AM on September 1, 2015
posted by andrewcooke at 9:34 AM on September 1, 2015
Just move forward with implemented the agreed upon course of action and make it clear that now that the decision is made, you are 100% in support.
For the future, all you can do is try to stay aware of how you are coming across and making sure you are acting in the best interests of the organization and not on your own ego. It depends on the type of organization that you have, but people may respect you less if you decide to go down the private discussions instead of open debate route as suggested above. That sort of thing can seriously corrode organizations.
posted by ssg at 12:23 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
For the future, all you can do is try to stay aware of how you are coming across and making sure you are acting in the best interests of the organization and not on your own ego. It depends on the type of organization that you have, but people may respect you less if you decide to go down the private discussions instead of open debate route as suggested above. That sort of thing can seriously corrode organizations.
posted by ssg at 12:23 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree with the comments above that you actually handled this quite well. Nobody expects you to be a robot and never get passionate or have an opinion, but they do expect you to recognize and support consensus when it emerges. You did that. Now, just make sure everyone sees your commitment to implementing that course of action.
Next time, if you strongly prefer that things go a particular way, some out your fellow board members in private to get a sense of how things will go.
posted by rpfields at 5:36 AM on September 2, 2015
Next time, if you strongly prefer that things go a particular way, some out your fellow board members in private to get a sense of how things will go.
posted by rpfields at 5:36 AM on September 2, 2015
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2. Don't have stuff on the agenda for your meeting if you've no idea how it will go down.
3. If you mess that up and it's going down right there, ask the dissenting folks to prepare a detailed proposal supporting their position and indicating how they will solve whatever problems you're concerned about. Then revisit step 1.
posted by emilyw at 6:45 AM on September 1, 2015 [5 favorites]