Digging up the past
August 31, 2015 5:45 PM Subscribe
When I was 19 I was raped by my ex boyfriend. For some reason I've messaged him. He's telling me it didn't happen and wants to meet. I don't understand what's happening internally.
My freshman year of college I got a room with no roommate. The guy down the hall, Tom, was cute, and gay. He hated his roommates. I asked him to move in with me. We started dating. All awful ideas.
About two months into our relationship I realized we weren't going to work out. I broke up with him but we were stuck living in the same room for the time being. He made my life hell. His girl friends would come in, they would blare music, slam doors, be obnoxious as possible. Twice I made the mistake of mentioning guys I liked, and both times he brought them into our room and fucked them 10 feet away from me.
I asked the guy in charge (I don't remember his title) of my building to move me. The best he could do he was literally two rooms down. I accepted. He then tried to seduce me. I rejected him.
I was depressed, stopped going to classes, smoked weed and laid in bed all day. I was put on academic probation but didn't want to go back, for obvious reasons.
That summer, for some reason, I befriended Tom again. He invited me to a friend's party. He asked me to go on a walk with him. He took me behind a stranger's house and tried to fuck me. I remember not wanting to. I remember trying to negotiate with him, saying I would give him head if we could just go somewhere else. He was apparently so drunk he couldn't get it in or keep it in, I don't know. He threw a fit and drove home. I told his friend what happened but she didn't have much to say. I remember having to sleep in her little brother's room (the family was away) and watched some kids movie about trains because I couldn't sleep. She drove me home the next day and I had a tow truck pick up my car. These are distinct memories. We didn't talk much after that.
Last year (I'm now 26) I messaged him on Facebook and told him what he did to me was rape. I just wanted him to know. I had been filed with anger lately and kept re-living the night in my head. He denied it. I told him I said no multiple times that night, and then blocked him.
For some reason I unblocked him and messaged him again tonight. He said he wants to meet and talk about my concerns to clear the air. He said our relationship was interesting and he thinks of me often. I feel like I'm going insane. I want him to admit it, but I know he never will. And I think this is just some kind of power play. I also want his approval. I would have sex with him if he wanted to.
I feel completely broken. Is meeting him not an option? Do you think it would help, or make things worse, to have a face to face? Why do I want his approval?
My freshman year of college I got a room with no roommate. The guy down the hall, Tom, was cute, and gay. He hated his roommates. I asked him to move in with me. We started dating. All awful ideas.
About two months into our relationship I realized we weren't going to work out. I broke up with him but we were stuck living in the same room for the time being. He made my life hell. His girl friends would come in, they would blare music, slam doors, be obnoxious as possible. Twice I made the mistake of mentioning guys I liked, and both times he brought them into our room and fucked them 10 feet away from me.
I asked the guy in charge (I don't remember his title) of my building to move me. The best he could do he was literally two rooms down. I accepted. He then tried to seduce me. I rejected him.
I was depressed, stopped going to classes, smoked weed and laid in bed all day. I was put on academic probation but didn't want to go back, for obvious reasons.
That summer, for some reason, I befriended Tom again. He invited me to a friend's party. He asked me to go on a walk with him. He took me behind a stranger's house and tried to fuck me. I remember not wanting to. I remember trying to negotiate with him, saying I would give him head if we could just go somewhere else. He was apparently so drunk he couldn't get it in or keep it in, I don't know. He threw a fit and drove home. I told his friend what happened but she didn't have much to say. I remember having to sleep in her little brother's room (the family was away) and watched some kids movie about trains because I couldn't sleep. She drove me home the next day and I had a tow truck pick up my car. These are distinct memories. We didn't talk much after that.
Last year (I'm now 26) I messaged him on Facebook and told him what he did to me was rape. I just wanted him to know. I had been filed with anger lately and kept re-living the night in my head. He denied it. I told him I said no multiple times that night, and then blocked him.
For some reason I unblocked him and messaged him again tonight. He said he wants to meet and talk about my concerns to clear the air. He said our relationship was interesting and he thinks of me often. I feel like I'm going insane. I want him to admit it, but I know he never will. And I think this is just some kind of power play. I also want his approval. I would have sex with him if he wanted to.
I feel completely broken. Is meeting him not an option? Do you think it would help, or make things worse, to have a face to face? Why do I want his approval?
Do you really need to hear that meeting him is a bad idea? If so, okay - this is a very bad idea. You're processing a lot of stuff, I don't think it's controversial to suggest you should consider seeing a therapist to discuss this with.
Good luck, I think you need to put this behind you and stay far clear of this person.
posted by jzb at 5:58 PM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
Good luck, I think you need to put this behind you and stay far clear of this person.
posted by jzb at 5:58 PM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry.
Please don't meet him. It's really hard to imagine how anything good will come of that. You're probably right about it being a power play, and you sound very vulnerable.
Have you spoken with a therapist or counselor? That's probably the best way to work on understanding your emotions and moving forward.
In the meantime please block him. Don't meet him.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:59 PM on August 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
Please don't meet him. It's really hard to imagine how anything good will come of that. You're probably right about it being a power play, and you sound very vulnerable.
Have you spoken with a therapist or counselor? That's probably the best way to work on understanding your emotions and moving forward.
In the meantime please block him. Don't meet him.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:59 PM on August 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
You're not going to get closure from the person who harmed you. Please seek help for yourself on your own terms--you can start tonight, if you wish, by calling RAINN: https://rainn.org/get-help
posted by blue suede stockings at 5:59 PM on August 31, 2015 [30 favorites]
posted by blue suede stockings at 5:59 PM on August 31, 2015 [30 favorites]
Is meeting him not an option?
Dear god yes. Don't meet him. He will not acknowledge his rape of you, or give you the validation and closure that you want. No good will come of this.
You know what happened. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Instead of meeting with this asshole, go meet with a therapist instead. You need someone to help you process these feelings.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:00 PM on August 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
Dear god yes. Don't meet him. He will not acknowledge his rape of you, or give you the validation and closure that you want. No good will come of this.
You know what happened. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Instead of meeting with this asshole, go meet with a therapist instead. You need someone to help you process these feelings.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:00 PM on August 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
My understanding is that your conflicted feeling are entirely normal, and you should call a victim's hotline to get connected to resources in your area. You can call one right now, and they can discuss these conflicted feelings you are having over the phone, right now. They are trained to lend support and answer tough questions. Do this right now.
They'll probably tell you to disengage from this person immediately. I think that is wise.
I also want to tell you that this person sounds like they were super drunk, and they might not remember what happened, or remember it the way you do. Their memory issue does not invalidate your experience. And yet.... for the time being I think this is something you work through with a professional, not the person who was so drunk they don't remember hurting you. After talking to professionals you can get guidance on how to proceed.
posted by jbenben at 6:02 PM on August 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
They'll probably tell you to disengage from this person immediately. I think that is wise.
I also want to tell you that this person sounds like they were super drunk, and they might not remember what happened, or remember it the way you do. Their memory issue does not invalidate your experience. And yet.... for the time being I think this is something you work through with a professional, not the person who was so drunk they don't remember hurting you. After talking to professionals you can get guidance on how to proceed.
posted by jbenben at 6:02 PM on August 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
I'm sorry for what you're going through. For your own protection, I would absolutely not meet with him or make any further contact with him at this time. That would be a very bad idea when you yourself aren't sure where you are and what you want right now. At a minimum, you need some quality time with a therapist to work through all of this (there are lots of resources on the MeFi Wiki that can help you find someone to talk to) to figure out what you're feeling and what you want to achieve. Those resources range from hotlines you can call right now to ways to get more help going forward. Only once you're in a better place emotionally and you have a real plan in place, ideally with the cooperation and approval of a competent therapist, might contacting him again possibly, maybe, make sense.
To me, this really sums it up:
Please get a therapist and start to unpack your feelings about all this in a safe and supportive place. Don't meet him and don't talk to him again, certainly not until you're up to it.
posted by zachlipton at 6:04 PM on August 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
To me, this really sums it up:
I also want his approval. I would have sex with him if he wanted to.If you don't know whether you would want to, you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where he's calling the shots, as he's already proven that he absolutely cannot in any way be trusted with your physical or emotional well-being.
Please get a therapist and start to unpack your feelings about all this in a safe and supportive place. Don't meet him and don't talk to him again, certainly not until you're up to it.
posted by zachlipton at 6:04 PM on August 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
He may try to rape you again if you meet with him. I understand the desire for closure, but you are walking down a self destructive path to get it and I speak from experience when I say it will end badly. You absolutely do not have to meet with him, and honestly, you really, really shouldn't. Stay away, and instead use the link to RAINN instead as a first step in fighting back.
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:07 PM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:07 PM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Just to validate - it is a common feeling to want to redo the experience, to 'fix' it, to still want to have sex with a rapist, especially someone you had a relationship with in some way. It's not freakish or abnormal, it's not shameful, it's your brain and heart struggling to make sense of a huge trauma and coming up with strategies, but these are not healthy strategies because you're hurt.
Talk to RAINN. Don't meet him. Meet people who will help you and not hurt you.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:09 PM on August 31, 2015 [55 favorites]
Talk to RAINN. Don't meet him. Meet people who will help you and not hurt you.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:09 PM on August 31, 2015 [55 favorites]
Speaking strictly as a layperson: I think your desire to meet with him and win his approval comes from a desire to mend the past. If he approved of / loved you, he wouldn't hurt you, and you could feel safe.
It's just not actually going to work out like that, so please don't meet him. But it may help to consider that this urge is coming from a part of you that wants to be healed and be well. And the best way to actually heal and be well is through the help of people who are trustworthy .. not him.
posted by bunderful at 6:13 PM on August 31, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's just not actually going to work out like that, so please don't meet him. But it may help to consider that this urge is coming from a part of you that wants to be healed and be well. And the best way to actually heal and be well is through the help of people who are trustworthy .. not him.
posted by bunderful at 6:13 PM on August 31, 2015 [6 favorites]
What else is going on in your life right now? Why are you choosing to unblock this guy and open yourself to him now?
Lots of other people have given you good reason to meet him - at least not now while you are still vulnerable to his response. I just want to add a more general concern that you be extra gentle and protective with yourself - in other relationships because it sounds like maybe your head is in a bad place where your self-love and self-care are running low.
posted by metahawk at 6:23 PM on August 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
Lots of other people have given you good reason to meet him - at least not now while you are still vulnerable to his response. I just want to add a more general concern that you be extra gentle and protective with yourself - in other relationships because it sounds like maybe your head is in a bad place where your self-love and self-care are running low.
posted by metahawk at 6:23 PM on August 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
I feel completely broken. Is meeting him not an option? Do you think it would help, or make things worse, to have a face to face? Why do I want his approval?
I think a face-to-face is a very bad idea. If you must meet, take a friend or a sibling. But don't have one.
Have you ever been around little kids after they hurt themselves? They will often recreate the way they were hurt over and over, through play or sometimes through doing the exact same thing again. If it was a person who hurt them, because they are small and because we are all wired a bit to seek our place in the pack, they will re-approach them over and over. We humans are wired to notice what gives us pain and seek to understand it it.
There is nothing wrong with your brain's wiring in that it is driving you to understand this terrible experience that gave you pain, including recreating some of it and getting in touch with the guy.
That said, you have access to the tribe's information, and information through the Internet via people like me, and as a member of the PTSD, raped tribe, I share this knowledge with you: Contact with this person at all, and contact in person, is a really bad idea right now. You want therapy first, and really, probably you can learn what you need to know without going through this. RAINN is a great start.
On a practical level:
- write him back that you are not meeting him
- block him
- every time you feel this urge, get up and jump around, and say out loud "I am furious at this guy!" and then sit on the ground and feel your toes, fingers, knees, head, etc. Give your body expression for the anger. Then ground in the present.
- get a bracelet that reminds you that you are not your past, something that represents now, and look at it whenever you are thinking about Facebooking this guy again.
- take the advice in this thread to get some experts on Team You
I am so sorry this happened to you. If you do meet him, I hope it goes well. If it does not go well, it is still not your fault.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:12 PM on August 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
I think a face-to-face is a very bad idea. If you must meet, take a friend or a sibling. But don't have one.
Have you ever been around little kids after they hurt themselves? They will often recreate the way they were hurt over and over, through play or sometimes through doing the exact same thing again. If it was a person who hurt them, because they are small and because we are all wired a bit to seek our place in the pack, they will re-approach them over and over. We humans are wired to notice what gives us pain and seek to understand it it.
There is nothing wrong with your brain's wiring in that it is driving you to understand this terrible experience that gave you pain, including recreating some of it and getting in touch with the guy.
That said, you have access to the tribe's information, and information through the Internet via people like me, and as a member of the PTSD, raped tribe, I share this knowledge with you: Contact with this person at all, and contact in person, is a really bad idea right now. You want therapy first, and really, probably you can learn what you need to know without going through this. RAINN is a great start.
On a practical level:
- write him back that you are not meeting him
- block him
- every time you feel this urge, get up and jump around, and say out loud "I am furious at this guy!" and then sit on the ground and feel your toes, fingers, knees, head, etc. Give your body expression for the anger. Then ground in the present.
- get a bracelet that reminds you that you are not your past, something that represents now, and look at it whenever you are thinking about Facebooking this guy again.
- take the advice in this thread to get some experts on Team You
I am so sorry this happened to you. If you do meet him, I hope it goes well. If it does not go well, it is still not your fault.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:12 PM on August 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
Best answer: You use the phrase "for some reason" three times and then go on to explain that you re-opened communications with this person. I think you need to identify that reason and address it. Contacting him isn't safe for you, and you know that, but you continue to do it. We all do things that aren't safe for us sometimes, because risk is part of life, but this is a risk you've already identified as one you no longer want to take. Please understand that I'm not blaming you, and I'm not encouraging you to blame yourself - that's counterproductive at best and destructive at worst. But there is something you are getting or trying to get from contacting him that is overwhelming your self-protective instinct, and we can only guess what it is. Your guesses are likely to be more accurate than ours. If you focus on that moment of "for some reason", what do you feel in that moment?
"I also want his approval. I would have sex with him if he wanted to." This is another place to start. I will make one guess - you might be trying to rewrite history by re-living your previous experience but with yourself in an active, decision-making role, in charge of the situation. If this is the case, I think if you look directly at it with your rational faculties, you will realize that your heart wants something you can't really have - history can't be undone, and you can be pretty sure that meeting with a sexual predator who has raped you before isn't going to play out the way your heart hopes, with you safe and in charge.
posted by gingerest at 7:24 PM on August 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
"I also want his approval. I would have sex with him if he wanted to." This is another place to start. I will make one guess - you might be trying to rewrite history by re-living your previous experience but with yourself in an active, decision-making role, in charge of the situation. If this is the case, I think if you look directly at it with your rational faculties, you will realize that your heart wants something you can't really have - history can't be undone, and you can be pretty sure that meeting with a sexual predator who has raped you before isn't going to play out the way your heart hopes, with you safe and in charge.
posted by gingerest at 7:24 PM on August 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
You shouldn't meet with the guy, and you can't take a thing he says on the phone seriously.
It is a very common police tactic to get people to admit to crimes by having someone call them on the phone and try to get them to talk about this. These are called "Pretext Calls and if he's familiar at all with them he will never, ever, admit to raping you on the phone.
So he may know and believe in his heart of hearts he raped you. But he may not want to go to jail more.
posted by bswinburn at 7:34 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
It is a very common police tactic to get people to admit to crimes by having someone call them on the phone and try to get them to talk about this. These are called "Pretext Calls and if he's familiar at all with them he will never, ever, admit to raping you on the phone.
So he may know and believe in his heart of hearts he raped you. But he may not want to go to jail more.
posted by bswinburn at 7:34 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Treat this guy like a potential serial killer. He's already assaulted you once, and you don't know whom else he may have assaulted and you don't know the full depths of how evil he can get. If he was coming to you claiming to be a changed man and begging your forgiveness, I would advise no contact. But he's denying what he did.
If you meet with him he might rape you again or hit you or kill you or do psychological damage that will haunt you for years. He has already demonstrated that he is an evil person, dangerous to be around. You absolutely must not meet with him.
It's not unusual to want some sort of closure in a situation like this. People have all kinds of complicated feelings when they've been assaulted, and nothing you're feeling is unique to you. But you won't get the closure you're seeking from this guy, and you are seeking it in very self-destructive ways.
I PLEAD with you to talk to a counselor about this. You are endangering yourself by contacting this man, and the pull you feel toward him is like standing on top of a high building and feeling a powerful urge to jump.
Please, please cease all contact and talk to a therapist ASAP.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 7:56 PM on August 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you meet with him he might rape you again or hit you or kill you or do psychological damage that will haunt you for years. He has already demonstrated that he is an evil person, dangerous to be around. You absolutely must not meet with him.
It's not unusual to want some sort of closure in a situation like this. People have all kinds of complicated feelings when they've been assaulted, and nothing you're feeling is unique to you. But you won't get the closure you're seeking from this guy, and you are seeking it in very self-destructive ways.
I PLEAD with you to talk to a counselor about this. You are endangering yourself by contacting this man, and the pull you feel toward him is like standing on top of a high building and feeling a powerful urge to jump.
Please, please cease all contact and talk to a therapist ASAP.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 7:56 PM on August 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
Please please please don't go anywhere near him. He is going to hurt you terribly.
I can't say why you want his approval, but I can guess -- it has something to do with how he lured you in the first place. You were vulnerable to begin with and he smelled that and preyed on you, influencing you in exactly the ways that would hook you. I don't know why, but I can relate -- it is a common enough story. Whatever part of you that feels 'broken' is desperately looking for a way to feel okay. Validation from others can feel like a solution, though at best it is a temporary numbing. But predators can sense that vulnerable people are crying out for validation, and they use that as a weapon to get close to them and then hurt them terribly. For reasons of their own. They are also broken and they try to feel okay by making themselves more powerful than others.
You are correct. It is a power play. He is going to use you to make you feel good about himself. To do so he will deny that he ever hurt you (he is already doing it) and he will try to hurt you again -- I would bet anything on it. Please please please don't go anywhere near him. Block him and stay away. Trust the voices here who are not embedded in the story and can see and recognize the pattern -- and the trap.
I urge you to seek help. It is very clear to me that you are hurting. It is also clear to me that these are very normal reactions in response to being raped. This book, Resurrection After Rape, is a good place to start. It is written for women, but I think it could be helpful. You can download a free pdf copy of the book from that link.
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:01 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can't say why you want his approval, but I can guess -- it has something to do with how he lured you in the first place. You were vulnerable to begin with and he smelled that and preyed on you, influencing you in exactly the ways that would hook you. I don't know why, but I can relate -- it is a common enough story. Whatever part of you that feels 'broken' is desperately looking for a way to feel okay. Validation from others can feel like a solution, though at best it is a temporary numbing. But predators can sense that vulnerable people are crying out for validation, and they use that as a weapon to get close to them and then hurt them terribly. For reasons of their own. They are also broken and they try to feel okay by making themselves more powerful than others.
You are correct. It is a power play. He is going to use you to make you feel good about himself. To do so he will deny that he ever hurt you (he is already doing it) and he will try to hurt you again -- I would bet anything on it. Please please please don't go anywhere near him. Block him and stay away. Trust the voices here who are not embedded in the story and can see and recognize the pattern -- and the trap.
I urge you to seek help. It is very clear to me that you are hurting. It is also clear to me that these are very normal reactions in response to being raped. This book, Resurrection After Rape, is a good place to start. It is written for women, but I think it could be helpful. You can download a free pdf copy of the book from that link.
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:01 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I had a relationship when I was in my late teens that was very intense and full of conflict, and yes, some major consent issues. I was hung up on her for over a decade, and yes, I saw her after the relationship ended, and yes, there was hinky sexual stuff happening then too. She infuriated and fascinated me. I could not get her out of my head.
Much later, with counseling, I realized that not only was I seeking to rewrite the past, I was also seeking the intensity. Not the abuse, but the intensity. The dramatic highs and lows can be addictive - when it's good it is so good, and even in the horrible parts I at least felt something. The numbness that can follow that kind of pattern can feel oddly worse than the abuse - at least when it was going on, I always felt so alive and vital.
Listen to the comments above. You are not bad or broken, but you do need help. This guy is bad news and he got his hooks deep into you. You don't have the tools to unhook yourself, most people don't. The people at RAINN or your local Rape Crisis Center can help you, or refer you to the help you need.
And give yourself some credit, too. You were able to identify the rape as a rape, to name it, and to recognize that seeking him is not healthy for you.
posted by Vigilant at 9:23 PM on August 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
Much later, with counseling, I realized that not only was I seeking to rewrite the past, I was also seeking the intensity. Not the abuse, but the intensity. The dramatic highs and lows can be addictive - when it's good it is so good, and even in the horrible parts I at least felt something. The numbness that can follow that kind of pattern can feel oddly worse than the abuse - at least when it was going on, I always felt so alive and vital.
Listen to the comments above. You are not bad or broken, but you do need help. This guy is bad news and he got his hooks deep into you. You don't have the tools to unhook yourself, most people don't. The people at RAINN or your local Rape Crisis Center can help you, or refer you to the help you need.
And give yourself some credit, too. You were able to identify the rape as a rape, to name it, and to recognize that seeking him is not healthy for you.
posted by Vigilant at 9:23 PM on August 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
it is a common feeling to want to redo the experience, to 'fix' it
When something horrible has happened, this is indeed a completely natural thing to want. It's just insanely hard to accept that the horrible experience really did happen and that there really is nothing that can be done to make that not true.
But the fundamental nature of being alive is that it's not something that actually comes with do-overs. Learning to accept that involves a lot of hard work, but it's totally worth it.
posted by flabdablet at 1:37 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
When something horrible has happened, this is indeed a completely natural thing to want. It's just insanely hard to accept that the horrible experience really did happen and that there really is nothing that can be done to make that not true.
But the fundamental nature of being alive is that it's not something that actually comes with do-overs. Learning to accept that involves a lot of hard work, but it's totally worth it.
posted by flabdablet at 1:37 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think a lot of people who have been subjected to some form of attack or abuse by another person feel a great need to put things right with that person. They envisage a situation where they speak to the attacker and tell them calmly the effect the attack had on them and how wrong it was. And the attacker sincerely apologises and gives some kind of mitigating circumstances ("I was ill" "I was abused by my parents"), makes recompense ("I've been to therapy and given all my money to a rape charity and I will never do a bad thing again") and they walk out with a sense of forgiveness and closure. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. Often attackers/abusers convince themselves they did nothing wrong, or it wasn't as bad as the victim claims, or that the victim is making it all up. Even when they are aware of what they did and that it was wrong, contact with the victim would usually make them so uncomfortable that they brush them away with denials. Whatever happens, the victim is left feeling even worse and may even start doubting their own memory of what happens.
Here's the thing - he raped you, he is not sorry, and he has done nothing to better himself since. Don't meet him. Block him again and make it for good this time. Then see a therapist, talk to friends, start a new hobby, write a book... whatever appeals to you to help you get over this that isn't going to put you at risk of further harm.
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:16 PM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Here's the thing - he raped you, he is not sorry, and he has done nothing to better himself since. Don't meet him. Block him again and make it for good this time. Then see a therapist, talk to friends, start a new hobby, write a book... whatever appeals to you to help you get over this that isn't going to put you at risk of further harm.
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:16 PM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you ignore all the good advice and meet him, take someone with you, like maybe a cop.
posted by SemiSalt at 2:20 PM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by SemiSalt at 2:20 PM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your advice. I woke up today and immediately thought, "What was I thinking?" I know nothing good can come from this. Facebook won't let me block him for another 24 hours but I have no intention of messaging him again. When I dated him he was a complete narcissist and would never admit he'd done something wrong. I have a therapist and will try to talk to her about this when I see her on Friday. I hate how easy it is to get in contact with anyone these days. I'm very impulsive at times and when someone is just a click away it's hard to resist whatever foolish thought goes through my head.
Thank you again.
posted by blackzinfandel at 4:43 PM on September 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Thank you again.
posted by blackzinfandel at 4:43 PM on September 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Good for you! If this is something you do want to discuss with your therapist, it might make it easier to print this question since you wrote it out already. I sometimes have trouble explaining tough things form the beginning.
posted by the twistinside at 5:53 PM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by the twistinside at 5:53 PM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This normally works pretty well when people are operating from a place of good will. But sometimes it doesn't work well at all. When people who hurt us deny that they've done wrong, it can really screw up our perception of past events. Just stay away.
posted by girl flaneur at 5:56 PM on August 31, 2015 [23 favorites]