How do I cope with feeling rotten over SO's lack of interest in sex?
August 21, 2015 9:35 AM   Subscribe

I know mismatched libidos has been discussed here before, and while that's part of my issue, I'm not really looking for ways to reignite the spark or even how to broach this subject with her. It's been broached. I'm looking for ways to better manage my feelings, especially since some of our relationship details seem to complicate this for me. Those details follow.

Background. We're both in our late 50s and we've been together about 18 years. For about 13 of those years, we had sex 8-10 times per month. The last 5 years we're at 2-3 times per month. She's also sometimes less enthusiastic than in the past.

She's about 6-7 years post menopause.

She takes meds that can slow a person's libido, although she's been on the meds throughout.

Although 18 years inevitably leads to some changes, neither of us has had a dramatic change in our health or appearance.

Although I function fine, I have trouble finishing at times. My orgasm is important to her. When our frequency dropped, I took care of my own needs more often, and that, along with my aging, has made this more of an issue. At present, I adjust my alone behavior to enhance our together behavior.

So my feelings. Although there's evidence to the contrary, such as her age and her meds and including her out of the bedroom supportive and loving behavior toward me, I still feel rejected and hurt. I sometimes wonder if our earlier more sexy time wasn't all that sexy for her, and then I sink further.

I also feel angry and frustrated, and then guilty for those feelings. A nice pile of resentment accumulates when I abstain privately and then we don't get together even at our reduced frequency. I'm literally saving my bullets so I can fire them with her, and then no.

Although I think my feelings are understandable, I know I'm not the most secure person, and that complicates all of this. I'm also in a tough spot financially, which shakes my already shaky core and sets me up to feel emotional pain more intensely. My brokenness precludes formal therapy as a way to sort out some of this, and I'm staying with her, so moving on isn't an option either.

Which leaves coping. If anyone has any ideas or resources they could point me toward, I'd appreciate it. I'm especially interested in ways to not feel personally diminished in my circumstances. I mean, by definition there's a diminution, but it often feels like it's me that's been diminished, and not one facet of my life. Thanks in advance.
posted by Adrian57 to Human Relations (13 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

 
In your position I'd try scheduling the limited number of interactions. This has 3 benefits:

1. It's kind of fun and interesting to wait, knowing something is coming.

2. Allows you to take care of your own needs predictably while still saving up for together times.

3. Gives you a sense of security that she is in fact interested, but in a different rhythm physically.

Regarding the frustration, keep in mind that being frustrated is OK. It's nobodies fault. Feelings happen don't beat yourself up (or by extension her) by dwelling on the 'rightness' of those feelings.
posted by French Fry at 9:43 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Has she considered hormone replacement therapy? Have you considered medication for erectile dysfunction? It sounds like you both have age-related sexual issues which a) make the other feel hurt and rejected, and b) may be treatable. I would take the path of action over the path of coping with the status quo, assuming that you are both willing to seek treatment.
posted by amro at 9:45 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


You say you've spoken about it so where did these conversations get you in terms of understanding. How does she account for this change? Is she happy with the frequency?

Are you physically affectionate and close in other ways? If not, would that make you feel less rejected? Would she be happy to hold you while you masturbate for example? Lots of ways to come at this.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:53 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Is it possible to have a conversation about physical affection and sexy encounters other than P-I-V sex? As one data point, my libido is somewhat less than my partner, and some percentage of our sexy encounters will be things like watching porn together and me stroking his hair/chest/etc. while he masturbates. So, we still get the connection and he gets off, but no pressure for me to perform/act turned on/etc. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Is this something your partner might be open to? And similarly, we are always close/touching/cuddling/smooching even though we both know this isn't going to lead to sex every day (and there is not pressure to do so).
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:58 AM on August 21, 2015 [14 favorites]


My orgasm is important to her.

Maybe this is something she needs to work out on finding less important? It seems like a lot of your resentment would go away if you didn't feel that all of your orgasms were beholden to her.
posted by oh yeah! at 10:18 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


Since therapy isn't an option, you might look into some of the home game versions of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (which, when done with a therapist, certainly contributes an outside perspective and accountability, but the techniques are totally doable by yourself) so you have some tools for examining and managing anxiety and discomfort. (I always recommend starting with The Anxiety And Phobia Workbook, but there are other options.)

You may also want to pursue some more information about toxic masculinity. I don't know if anyone has yet produced some really great methodologies for dealing with the feelings of resentment that come in particular with not getting the sex you want and financial/breadwinner issues, but it's a real thing that is bad for people and you may find some avenues of relief (that may be quite similar to the techniques of CBT anyway, so I'd say start there first) in that research.

You might also read the book Come As You Are, not with an eye to either "fixing" or "tricking" your partner, but to understand female desire. The architecture and design and biological propellant of female desire are nothing like a man's, and you are probably suffering a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings because you're assuming she wants to have sex with you - or not - like a man would, or wouldn't.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:31 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


Although there's evidence to the contrary, such as her age and her meds and including her out of the bedroom supportive and loving behavior toward me, I still feel rejected and hurt.

When that feeling comes on, try just sitting with it, observing it for a while, and noticing the thoughts that go along with it. When you have a thought along the lines that your present circumstances are something she's doing to you, dispute that thought. Because that's just your inner ten-year-old having a bit of a grizzle.

It's perfectly reasonable to be sad about the lowering of sexual frequency. That's a genuine loss. But if you can work yourself around to accepting that it is what it is, instead of making up a bunch of just-so stories about what it should be, then you can avoid making that loss any worse than it has to be.

I sometimes wonder if our earlier more sexy time wasn't all that sexy for her, and then I sink further.

"Wonder if": reasonable because it leaves open the possibility that of course it was; "suspect that", not so much.

Things have changed. People are not good at accepting that. We tend to want things to stay the same as they were, especially when they used to be better. So when things change, we make up little stories to try to explain the change away: if she doesn't want sex two or three times in a week now, then the only way nothing has changed is if she never really wanted that ever. Which is, of course, complete bullshit. She did. Now she doesn't. End of.

If you can work yourself around to accepting that things do change and have changed, you can keep your treasured memories of a past with loads of good sex in it, which will in turn let you feel much less complicated about the future. Most of that work consists of noticing when your wandering mind starts off down a path of suspecting negative things about the past, and reminding yourself that the past was what it was, and it was good, and that the present is what it is and it's still good (albeit less often).

I also feel angry and frustrated, and then guilty for those feelings.

If you're horny and your beloved isn't, then that just is frustrating. In fact it's pretty much the canonical example of frustration. And frustration makes people cranky. There is nothing wrong with that. No guilt is called for.

A nice pile of resentment accumulates when I abstain privately and then we don't get together even at our reduced frequency. I'm literally saving my bullets so I can fire them with her, and then no.

Then stop doing that. When you're frustrated because you need to come, have a wank. Wanking is good for you. You will feel much better once you stop getting in the way of your own body's time-to-come clock.

The consequence will be that every now and then, though probably less often than you fear, when the two of you do end up in the same bed at the same time with the same idea then you will find it impossible to come. That's another change, and it's one that you'll both need to work on accepting. Given the importance she's been accustomed to putting on your orgasm, you're going to need to be demonstrative and vocal and reassuring and above all honest to help her do that.

The good part is that there are endless ways to enjoy each other's bodies that don't involve treating sex like some kind of goal-oriented exercise routine. Many people habitually think of sex as one story that starts with cuddling in the first chapter and ends with coming on the last page, making this not at all obvious. But it's true all the same.

Now that you and your beloved are playing together much less often than you used to, it's time for both of you to start finding out all over again what sex is.

It's not about the orgasms any more, because the simple fact is that you can have one of those whenever you like, whether she's in it with you or not. Now it's going to be about the closeness and the sharing and the right-here right-now reality of two people loving and pleasuring and paying attention to each other, an experience made all the more precious and intense for being rather rarer.

Bear in mind that none of the above needs to be an alternative to exploring the possibilities offered by HRT, boner pills and whatnot. You can pursue that as well if it appeals to both of you.
posted by flabdablet at 10:48 AM on August 21, 2015 [12 favorites]


I will suggest you find an emotional outlet for yourself where you can sort your feelings and express your feelings as much as you want. Consider journaling or blogging anonymously or doing little comics or even tweeting song snippets or images found online that express something meaningful to you. Then beanplate the hell out of what it all means to you.

One problem with a situation like this is that sexuality is a shared experience and it can be hard to fully embrace our own feelings because of the risk of hurting our partner and further deepening the problems. You are willing to deal with the sexual piece alone via masturbation but you aren't really dealing with the emotional piece. Being able to embrace and validate your own feelings can help you get unstuck.

If possible, at some point down the line when you are less angry about the situation, consider sharing parts of your journal/drawings/whatever with your partner as a means to deepen intimacy and open lines of communication in a non-blamey, not hurtful way.

I had a relationship with an older man online. He was 16 years older. Before him, all my online BFs were interested in reaching orgasm while talking with me. He mostly was not. I had significant trouble accepting that at first. I didn't understand what the point was. I had been molested as a child and I had spent my life largely cut off from the emotional aspect of sex. No man before him wanted that depth of emotional connection.

One day when I was yet again expressing my frustration and bafflement, he answered me by saying "Orgasm is the end of pleasure." That was meaningful to me and made it possible for me to accept that he was really interested in talking with me for hours and hours and he was getting something out of it.

It was the most sexual relationship of my life. It was a huge growth experience and it profoundly changed what I expect from a sexually intimate relationship.

I strongly suspect that you are in a situation where strong emotional connection only happens in bed. This was the case with my marriage. I never felt like I got enough sex. It was only with leaving and with having this very emotionally based affair that I realized it wasn't so much that I needed more sex. It was that I was lonely as hell. My husband didn't really pay attention to me. We didn't really talk. We weren't really intimate. Sex involved physical intimacy but we were not emotionally intimate and we no longer really knew each other's minds like when we were first together and crazy about each other. But sex was the closest approximation of intimacy I could get from him, so I thought I wanted more sex when I really mostly wanted more connection to him.

Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 11:44 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks for the comments so far, everyone. Each of them gave me something to really consider. A couple touched on aspects of this I hadn't gone into in much detail, and based on my reaction I think I want to write a few thoughts down here.

We have talked, and she was reassuring and I believe her, then and now. I don't, rationally, think it's me or something I've done. Although I may have given the wrong impression, I have no trouble getting or keeping an erection. The problem is having an orgasm. On the contrary, her body doesn't respond like it used to, and her mood lags too, and so there's only so much she can do to listen to me without feeling worse about what is first and foremost an unwelcome change for her. Part of my anxiety is due to knowing that my days of relatively carefree erections are numbered. She's apparently already there, and so I can't push this knowing how she probably feels about her loss. Finding another outlet to beanplate (had to look that up) is a good idea.

I may have gotten an answer that isn't what I expected. Or perhaps it's exactly what I expected, and didn't want to face. When I'm angry or frustrated or feeling slighted, I suspect I'm choosing those emotions over the sadness I really feel. It's not an agonizing, retching kind of sadness, but rather the eyes welling a bit, throat tightening slightly variety. The kind of sadness you expect to endure and move past.

And you move past, I move past, by letting go. I'm losing something, and my sadness is telling me to let it go, or to let go of the idea I'm clinging to. Let go, and it will feel a little better. I hate those fucking words right now.
posted by Adrian57 at 1:02 PM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm also in my late 50's. I feel ya. 15 years ago my husband and I were making love 3 times a day. Every day. It was madness. There are times now when we talk about our past sex life together and there is real loss and real nostalgia, an ache because those days of not being able to get each others clothes off fast enough have gone forever, but we are soglad we have those memories.

So now we substitute other ways of being physical. We make sure to keep the coconut oil flowing-- neck rubs, back rubs, hand rubs, and so on. We kiss a lot and hug whenever we meet or part for awhile. We talk honestly about everything.

We do have more misunderstandings than we used to and I chalk that up to having less sex. We have to work harder at checking each others feelings, do more emotional labor. My husband has said he feels I have less patience with him and that I get snippy or dismissive when we don't agree about something. This is something we are working on right now and we both agree it is because he is more sensitive because he feels less sure of himself in bed.

I guess knowledge is power and coming to terms with what is actually happening is the only advice I can give, but bear in mind that all couples must go through this. Focus on your future with your wife and how you want it to be when you are 60, 70, 80. Sex is such a great foundation block but eventually you are going to have to make your relationship about other things.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:01 PM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


Therapy is an option. I'm going to copy and paste something I've said a lot on Ask Metafilter:

Call local therapists and ask if they can hook you up with anybody who will see you on a sliding scale. If you live near a large university, call and ask if they have any program where a psychology intern can see you. (Don't get scared off by them being interns, it doesn't mean they're just the kids who get coffee for the real shrinks. They've had plenty of training and they can be great. That's how I met my longtime shrink, and I would take a bullet for that lady.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:31 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I suspect I'm choosing those emotions over the sadness I really feel. It's not an agonizing, retching kind of sadness, but rather the eyes welling a bit, throat tightening slightly variety. The kind of sadness you expect to endure and move past.

Next time that comes on, don't duck and weave. Let it hit you like a truck.
posted by flabdablet at 9:48 PM on August 21, 2015


You said therapy is not an option due to your "brokenness," but you don't sound broken to me. You sound typical, and I don't mean that in a negative or judgemental way. Your problems are real, and so is the pain that they are causing you.
Please consider therapy. It will teach you something very important: although a lot of times you can't change your circumstances, you can change the way you feel about them.
posted by Mr. Fig at 10:13 AM on August 22, 2015


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