Ways to include young stepson in wedding
August 17, 2015 10:03 AM Subscribe
I want to buy a gift to present to my four-your-old stepson-to-be at our wedding. I am not sure what the gift should be. Special snowflake details inside :)
I welcome any ideas on this. The little guy is about to turn five, sweet as can be, and very close with us. However, he is a little young to understand the notion of a keepsake. Also, I am wary of giving him a framed photo or something like that because I am not sure how receptive his mother would be to having something like that around. A few ideas I have considered:
- A book. He is not much of a reader, but perhaps this might be something he would look back upon later with some sentiment. Maybe Munsch's 'Love You Forever' or something like that?
- A Lego minifigure set representing the family, with one of him, one of his dad and one of me. He is Lego-mad, and would love this. This is something that feels very 'us.' But I worry that it will het lost in the general rubble of his multitude of Lego pieces and get lost within days of the ceremony :)
- Something non-tangible but ceremonial. I have seen ideas online for something like there are three roses, and everyone in the family puts a rose into the vase together. The con: nothing to keep. The pro: we get our sweet moment, on a level he can understand, and he doesn't *need* to keep anything...
Other snowflake detail: Daddy is not the wedding planning type at all and is leaving everything completely up to me. I am considering not telling him about this and having my 'vow' to his son be a surprise at the ceremony. So, nothing he is going to find, and wonder about, ahead of time :)
I welcome any ideas on this. The little guy is about to turn five, sweet as can be, and very close with us. However, he is a little young to understand the notion of a keepsake. Also, I am wary of giving him a framed photo or something like that because I am not sure how receptive his mother would be to having something like that around. A few ideas I have considered:
- A book. He is not much of a reader, but perhaps this might be something he would look back upon later with some sentiment. Maybe Munsch's 'Love You Forever' or something like that?
- A Lego minifigure set representing the family, with one of him, one of his dad and one of me. He is Lego-mad, and would love this. This is something that feels very 'us.' But I worry that it will het lost in the general rubble of his multitude of Lego pieces and get lost within days of the ceremony :)
- Something non-tangible but ceremonial. I have seen ideas online for something like there are three roses, and everyone in the family puts a rose into the vase together. The con: nothing to keep. The pro: we get our sweet moment, on a level he can understand, and he doesn't *need* to keep anything...
Other snowflake detail: Daddy is not the wedding planning type at all and is leaving everything completely up to me. I am considering not telling him about this and having my 'vow' to his son be a surprise at the ceremony. So, nothing he is going to find, and wonder about, ahead of time :)
This is sweet idea. But don't get a 4 year old something symbolic of family that excludes his mother. It's too confusing. He's going to need reminders that he is part of a large web of people who love him. His connection to his mother is probably very important to him at this age. To a little child, getting a Lego set of 3 people only would be likely to inspire semi-processed feelings of conflict or guilt when he plays with it, a sense that he should pretend he's not part of his mother's family when he's with you. Get him something fun and age appropriate, or some kind of fantasy lego or keepsake, not something symbolic.
posted by flourpot at 10:14 AM on August 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by flourpot at 10:14 AM on August 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
Do something ceremonial and make sure the photographer gets a great picture of it. (you might have to re-create the moment with the photographer if you aren't taking pictures during the actual ceremony.) keep the picture of it at your house, promeniently displayed and then when he visits you can talk about how it with him.
I might give him a gift as well but it don't need to carry for the full weight and symbolism of being a wedding gift.
posted by metahawk at 10:18 AM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I might give him a gift as well but it don't need to carry for the full weight and symbolism of being a wedding gift.
posted by metahawk at 10:18 AM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I posted this same question last year for my new twin 4-year-old grandsons. I was given some great ideas, but finally went with a small silver julep cup engraved with their names and "We are family." My plan is to buy another one for the new baby (Yay!) coming next month.
posted by raisingsand at 10:20 AM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by raisingsand at 10:20 AM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe something that represents a shared interest or theme between you and your fiance? In one the parents were Wiccan, so they represented it via a hand-binding ceremony where bride, groom, and child each put a hand in and a decorative rope was wrapped around them while words were said. In the second, it was a beach wedding so they filled a decorative glass container with shells and rocks the child had collected beforehand, sand from the site of the wedding, that sort of thing. In both cases the rope and decorative container were kept afterwards.
I think the minifig idea is adorable, but I agree with other posters that you gotta tread carefully to avoid giving him the impression you're trying to replace his bio-mom. He may be too young to be affected now, but as he gets older his feelings will get more complicated so there's no need to add to the struggle.
posted by Anonymous at 11:17 AM on August 17, 2015
I think the minifig idea is adorable, but I agree with other posters that you gotta tread carefully to avoid giving him the impression you're trying to replace his bio-mom. He may be too young to be affected now, but as he gets older his feelings will get more complicated so there's no need to add to the struggle.
posted by Anonymous at 11:17 AM on August 17, 2015
Also I would really not surprise your fiance with this, especially if his relationship with the ex is strained. He's in the best position to balance your desire to express your commitment to the kid with keeping peace with the ex.
posted by Anonymous at 11:23 AM on August 17, 2015
posted by Anonymous at 11:23 AM on August 17, 2015
Get him a fold up scooter and a helmet that stays at your house for when he visits.
posted by Oyéah at 11:31 AM on August 17, 2015
posted by Oyéah at 11:31 AM on August 17, 2015
I fear you have the bulk of your answer in the question -- "he is a little young to understand the notion of a keepsake."
I think ideas with "The con: nothing to keep" actually have that as a pro here...
However, I do like Lego minifig idea -- but en masse, and not as a keepsake. Would it be realistic to get a Lego dupe for everybody in his family, new and old? Everybody from grandparents to your brother's kooky girlfriend, etc. They'd likely be amalgamated into the rest of the Lego mix without too much delay, but it would still be a terrific thing for a young Lego nut to get.
Tragically thrift stores are stuffed to the gills with keepsakes. I find this upsetting on multiple levels: the person has (often surprisingly quickly -- 'Happy Xmas 2013! Love, Mom and Dad' books are out there already) discarded something bought with care, the item is usually not particularly desirable on its own and often exists solely to be "a keepsake," and, it's going to be sold for a buck to somebody who needs a thing to mix paint in or whatever, because the personalisation renders it useless to others.
The future stepson will have photographs to review if he wants to relive the occasion. For pretty much everybody else besides the people getting married (and not infrequently for them as well), that is plenty, keepsake-wise. I really think he will be more excited by, more interested in, and more thankful for a cool toy than anything redolent of Memories of A Special Day. Note that it is the parents who hoard trinkets like badges received for passing level 6 archery, school photos, et cetera; the kids do not care.
posted by kmennie at 11:38 AM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think ideas with "The con: nothing to keep" actually have that as a pro here...
However, I do like Lego minifig idea -- but en masse, and not as a keepsake. Would it be realistic to get a Lego dupe for everybody in his family, new and old? Everybody from grandparents to your brother's kooky girlfriend, etc. They'd likely be amalgamated into the rest of the Lego mix without too much delay, but it would still be a terrific thing for a young Lego nut to get.
Tragically thrift stores are stuffed to the gills with keepsakes. I find this upsetting on multiple levels: the person has (often surprisingly quickly -- 'Happy Xmas 2013! Love, Mom and Dad' books are out there already) discarded something bought with care, the item is usually not particularly desirable on its own and often exists solely to be "a keepsake," and, it's going to be sold for a buck to somebody who needs a thing to mix paint in or whatever, because the personalisation renders it useless to others.
The future stepson will have photographs to review if he wants to relive the occasion. For pretty much everybody else besides the people getting married (and not infrequently for them as well), that is plenty, keepsake-wise. I really think he will be more excited by, more interested in, and more thankful for a cool toy than anything redolent of Memories of A Special Day. Note that it is the parents who hoard trinkets like badges received for passing level 6 archery, school photos, et cetera; the kids do not care.
posted by kmennie at 11:38 AM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Whatever you do, don't surprise your fiance. He's likely to have much more of a sense of what the child would find meaningful and be able to process without stepping on mom's toes. Even if he's not that into wedding favors and cake tasting, I think this is one area where it's best to get him involved. I think family vows can be nice IF everyone is fully aware and into it and onboard, but you don't spring that on someone. At age 4, the stepson may not even be up for being part of the ceremony in a very public way -- my 4-year-old niece was recently our flower girl, and while she was very cute, she was obviously a little freaked out by the "all eyes on me!" aspect...I can only imagine that would be even greater if it were also a moment of this intense family expectation. All depends on the kid's personality, but just things to keep in mind. If he's a little shy for taking a role in the ceremony like roses/sand/etc., another nice way to include him might be a special dance to a kids song at the reception and getting lots of photos.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:48 AM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:48 AM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'd focus on the future. Perhaps you could make something with the child now that he could look at over the years, symbolizing your commitment to him and the basis of your relationship to him.
I like the idea of Lego minifigs. Maybe you could get a bunch, or pick some out at the store together, so that he could choose ones that symbolize family to him (hopefully including you), or his hopes for what the family might be like. Then you could maybe build a little scene together that would fit inside a shadowbox, and maybe write a little caption to go below the scene. Put the shadowbox on the wall somewhere, and you can look at it over the years and remember this time together.
If the family grows, of course, you can always add more minifigs.
posted by amtho at 12:37 PM on August 17, 2015
I like the idea of Lego minifigs. Maybe you could get a bunch, or pick some out at the store together, so that he could choose ones that symbolize family to him (hopefully including you), or his hopes for what the family might be like. Then you could maybe build a little scene together that would fit inside a shadowbox, and maybe write a little caption to go below the scene. Put the shadowbox on the wall somewhere, and you can look at it over the years and remember this time together.
If the family grows, of course, you can always add more minifigs.
posted by amtho at 12:37 PM on August 17, 2015
I'd get him something that he would personally find awesome. Biggest Lego Star Wars/Batman/whatever set you can afford. Four is right at that age where getting a ridiculously over the top mass market commercial plastic toy can still feel like a life-alteringly huge deal, and thoughtful/meaningful gifts meant to be treasured for a lifetime feel like a letdown, so just give him something that'll blow his four-year-old mind.
As for the keepsake aspect, I still have the AT-AT I got Xmas 1982 on top of a bookshelf, so, you never know.
Also, yeah, strongly advise not surprising Dad with vows having to do with his kid.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:02 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
As for the keepsake aspect, I still have the AT-AT I got Xmas 1982 on top of a bookshelf, so, you never know.
Also, yeah, strongly advise not surprising Dad with vows having to do with his kid.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:02 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Plant a tree in his honor or the new family's honor. It will become his tree or the collective your tree. Maybe it grows big enough for him to climb it one day.
posted by AugustWest at 1:17 PM on August 17, 2015
posted by AugustWest at 1:17 PM on August 17, 2015
What about flipping this around a bit, so he's the one giving a keepsake to his dad on the special day. (You could also get him an awesome Lego set without attaching long-term or specific meaning.)
If you have any one-on-one time with him, you could work together on a small piece of art or a simple poem (let him guide it--don't insist that it be All About New Family--it can be anything). Tell him you'll have it framed and help him wrap it so he can give it to his dad.
This way he gets to take part, along with you, without being put in the spotlight... unless he actively wants to present it at the reception or something. When he sees it hanging in your home for years to come, he'll remember that he was not left out.
If you do something like this, use the word "surprise" (as opposed to "secret"). As for including him in part of the ceremony or vows, I'm with those saying not to keep that from your soon-to-be husband.
posted by whoiam at 3:20 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you have any one-on-one time with him, you could work together on a small piece of art or a simple poem (let him guide it--don't insist that it be All About New Family--it can be anything). Tell him you'll have it framed and help him wrap it so he can give it to his dad.
This way he gets to take part, along with you, without being put in the spotlight... unless he actively wants to present it at the reception or something. When he sees it hanging in your home for years to come, he'll remember that he was not left out.
If you do something like this, use the word "surprise" (as opposed to "secret"). As for including him in part of the ceremony or vows, I'm with those saying not to keep that from your soon-to-be husband.
posted by whoiam at 3:20 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
The best gift that you can give your future stepson is to have a good relationship with his mom. Invite her to the wedding. He's going to want mom there on the big day. He will need her there to watch out for him while you are doing all the usual bride things. And don't surprise anyone or do anything that excludes mom. Anything that you do that makes it look like you are nudging her out of your family will bite you in the butt in a few years.
As far as a special treat, have a wedding cake, a groomscake, and a son cake. Everyone will love it.
posted by myselfasme at 4:25 PM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
As far as a special treat, have a wedding cake, a groomscake, and a son cake. Everyone will love it.
posted by myselfasme at 4:25 PM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have a ridiculously complicated family situation, and am the parent of kids who are other people's stepchildren (in my own relationship and outside). I would have been at least slightly squicked if my husband had wanted to include my children in *our* vows. My marriage is with my husband, not with my kids. Likewise, if my ex's new wife had wanted to do something like this with my kids, I would have been deeply offended. I'm aware my children are a part of their new family, and I'm glad of it, but it's a fine line and easy to cross. I think 4, nearly 5, is too young for this kind of amped up sentimentality, and I think it would go right over his head, or possibly be a source of stress, because if you make too much of "now we're a family!" as other people have noted, where does this leave his mother?
I'm more of the mind that a really excessive Lego set would be a wonderful present for a little kid, and a kid-sized gesture that he can get his head around. I don't think a little kid can really absorb the layers of meaning that a marriage brings (especially with a blended family situation) but a really gigantic Lego thing says all kinds of "this day is special" "we think you're awesome" in ways that a very loaded, psychologically, gift can't. Do make sure to have a happy pic of the three of you, or the wedding party or whatever framed and displayed, as a touch piece for future conversations.
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 6:23 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm more of the mind that a really excessive Lego set would be a wonderful present for a little kid, and a kid-sized gesture that he can get his head around. I don't think a little kid can really absorb the layers of meaning that a marriage brings (especially with a blended family situation) but a really gigantic Lego thing says all kinds of "this day is special" "we think you're awesome" in ways that a very loaded, psychologically, gift can't. Do make sure to have a happy pic of the three of you, or the wedding party or whatever framed and displayed, as a touch piece for future conversations.
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 6:23 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
You might also find a rugged point-and-shoot digital camera and give it to him to take photos at the wedding. The photos might be cute and keep him occupied with the interest of the camera. And a camera is a neat thing to record toys, frogs, fire trucks, etc.
posted by nickggully at 7:44 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by nickggully at 7:44 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would have been at least slightly squicked if my husband had wanted to include my children in *our* vows. My marriage is with my husband, not with my kids. Likewise, if my ex's new wife had wanted to do something like this with my kids, I would have been deeply offended.
I would have been squicked out as a kid if my dad had tried to involve me in his remarriage to my step-mother above and beyond being a flower girl/ring bearer. I don't want to read anything in to your situation (it may be vastly different than my family's was) but I have to say from the kiddo point of view, I love the idea of a "son cake," a book, or a toy with no symbolism attached other than you thought he'd like it. Just it being given to him on this occasion is symbol enough. Or, maybe he could choose how he wants to be involved in your wedding. Maybe he wants to write a toast!
Yes, you are now part of his family (hooray!) but he should never have to feel like his family excludes his mother or that he ever has to pretend like he's more loyal to one of his moms. I don't think this was your intention. Congratulations on your marriage.
posted by Pearl928 at 11:40 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would have been squicked out as a kid if my dad had tried to involve me in his remarriage to my step-mother above and beyond being a flower girl/ring bearer. I don't want to read anything in to your situation (it may be vastly different than my family's was) but I have to say from the kiddo point of view, I love the idea of a "son cake," a book, or a toy with no symbolism attached other than you thought he'd like it. Just it being given to him on this occasion is symbol enough. Or, maybe he could choose how he wants to be involved in your wedding. Maybe he wants to write a toast!
Yes, you are now part of his family (hooray!) but he should never have to feel like his family excludes his mother or that he ever has to pretend like he's more loyal to one of his moms. I don't think this was your intention. Congratulations on your marriage.
posted by Pearl928 at 11:40 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was sixish when my Dad married my stepmother, and IIRC they had me sign the register (or a fake register?) and we got a photo of that. The idea was that we were, all three of us, becoming a family (and my bio-parents had joint custody, so there was no replacing of my Mom--I don't think you can imply that with a single gesture unless it's really pointed). If not the register, maybe cutting the cake together? Having three little figures atop the cake? The toast thing might be a good idea, but I was supposed to and I panicked.
YMMV, particularly as I am a girl, was somewhat older, and had known my step-mom for a few years and was close to her too. But given the prospective stepson's age, I have to disagree with the idea that the marriage is between his father and you, and not the child. Unless his father is non-custodial and lives on a different continent, in a lot of ways it's the three of you getting married.
posted by sarahkeebs at 9:24 PM on August 18, 2015
YMMV, particularly as I am a girl, was somewhat older, and had known my step-mom for a few years and was close to her too. But given the prospective stepson's age, I have to disagree with the idea that the marriage is between his father and you, and not the child. Unless his father is non-custodial and lives on a different continent, in a lot of ways it's the three of you getting married.
posted by sarahkeebs at 9:24 PM on August 18, 2015
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posted by humph at 10:12 AM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]