Female Friend became distant and finally not texting
August 17, 2015 6:00 AM Subscribe
Hi,
I have a long term female friend who stays in a long distance, we used to chat on and off for many years and especially the last few months we had spent hours of chatting almost every day. We were very much supportive each other ,had a lot of fun talks and used to discuss almost everything, shared a nice time and eventually became really close. But gradually she seemed to be a bit less active for almost a month but still managed to chat (some days energetic, some days not) and started doing less initiation of talks from her. Since I felt this is a bit strange as to what we used to, I asked onetime in a quiet way where she just said there is nothing bothering her as the way I thought. But eventually she became in a situation of not feeling to text or talk and told me the same when I asked about it.
I became little bit concerned thinking if that is because of any reasons of my talking but she said it is nothing like that but just she feels that way. When I further asked, she said she just doesn’t feel to respond to my texts though she remembers the supports and good time we always had and it’s just her not me.Since I became worried of the situation, I further explained her the value I see in this relation which she did not deny but the response was cold, and added that she is feeling bad to talk about this situation and I shouldn't be talking to her since it will affect my mood. When I asked here about her feel of not speaking to me ,she said she is of course not happy with the situation of not speaking to me, but also added I will be happy eventually but I am not trying. As per my knowledge there was no life changing situation happening in her personal life.Then for some days we didn't talk, after some days I invited her for a call but seemed as not so favorable to talk saying she won't be able to make it with the presence of others at that time. Then I stopped texting and no contact after that for more than a month. Meanwhile, she is interacting with other close friends as usual, but I am not able to resolve the exact reason why she is not in a mood to chat with me.We never had any arguments or fights or stuffs like that. Since I am not contacting her for a while and evaluated the relation from one step back, I feel probably the frequency and magnitude of my texts and continuous chatting could have made a decline of her interest level towards chatting me, though she was interestingly chatting with me till that time. It was almost like every day we texted (for some 2-3 months) and we became very much comfortable each other. Now I miss her, since I am not able to talk her about things happening in my life and her life and it created a gap which makes me little bit uncomfortable. Even though she didn't say any reasons of not talking but just said she is just not feeling to text or talk, I am finding my own reasons like I could have just be short with her in the meantime and have acted cool when she started making less initiation of talks. If I get a chance to talk her again, I will keep these things in mind and keep it in a cool way always. I am not sure about the way forward, will she ever come back to me and talk or will I lose her forever which I don’t want since she is one of my best friends. In short, I want her back as my best friend with active talks. I would like to know your suggestions and opinions please.
I became little bit concerned thinking if that is because of any reasons of my talking but she said it is nothing like that but just she feels that way. When I further asked, she said she just doesn’t feel to respond to my texts though she remembers the supports and good time we always had and it’s just her not me.Since I became worried of the situation, I further explained her the value I see in this relation which she did not deny but the response was cold, and added that she is feeling bad to talk about this situation and I shouldn't be talking to her since it will affect my mood. When I asked here about her feel of not speaking to me ,she said she is of course not happy with the situation of not speaking to me, but also added I will be happy eventually but I am not trying. As per my knowledge there was no life changing situation happening in her personal life.Then for some days we didn't talk, after some days I invited her for a call but seemed as not so favorable to talk saying she won't be able to make it with the presence of others at that time. Then I stopped texting and no contact after that for more than a month. Meanwhile, she is interacting with other close friends as usual, but I am not able to resolve the exact reason why she is not in a mood to chat with me.We never had any arguments or fights or stuffs like that. Since I am not contacting her for a while and evaluated the relation from one step back, I feel probably the frequency and magnitude of my texts and continuous chatting could have made a decline of her interest level towards chatting me, though she was interestingly chatting with me till that time. It was almost like every day we texted (for some 2-3 months) and we became very much comfortable each other. Now I miss her, since I am not able to talk her about things happening in my life and her life and it created a gap which makes me little bit uncomfortable. Even though she didn't say any reasons of not talking but just said she is just not feeling to text or talk, I am finding my own reasons like I could have just be short with her in the meantime and have acted cool when she started making less initiation of talks. If I get a chance to talk her again, I will keep these things in mind and keep it in a cool way always. I am not sure about the way forward, will she ever come back to me and talk or will I lose her forever which I don’t want since she is one of my best friends. In short, I want her back as my best friend with active talks. I would like to know your suggestions and opinions please.
@chainsoffreedom - "one of my best friends" implies multiple friends
apart from that i agree with the above - doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, but sometimes these things happen. and since you can't control other people you just have to roll with it. sorry.
posted by andrewcooke at 6:22 AM on August 17, 2015
apart from that i agree with the above - doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, but sometimes these things happen. and since you can't control other people you just have to roll with it. sorry.
posted by andrewcooke at 6:22 AM on August 17, 2015
I feel probably the frequency and magnitude of my texts and continuous chatting could have made a decline of her interest level towards chatting me,
It's almost certainly this. "Hours of chatting almost every day" is an awful lot of interaction with another person, and really isn't a reasonable friendship expectation. Hours per day chatting with you is hours per day she's not spending with family, with a SO, fostering friendships with people who live close to her, doing her job, working on hobbies, learning something new, or even just staring at a wall and zoning out. And all of those are things that are important. You're important, too, of course, but it's unhealthy for one friendship to monopolize every ounce of her free time.
It can be tricky to navigate a gradual scaling back in situations like this, because one or two texts or a 5 minute catch up convo can easily slip back into the pattern of doing it for hours. If she's trying to move away from that, it's easier to just quit for a while and put her focus elsewhere. I suspect that's what's happening. You miss talking to your friend, but I think it's likely she also misses talking to you, and she knows that the all-the-time dynamic isn't healthy for her.
So what I think you should do is let her have a break. Don't try to engage her in a conversation about why you're not having conversations. Let her have some space. Break the habit you two have fallen into of relying on each other for your #1 emotional support network. And then in a few weeks, put out a feeler. Something simple that doesn't require an immediate response, like a text that says "I saw a funny _______ today and it reminded me of that time we ______ :)" and then let her take the lead on timing and frequency. Space out the communication so she doesn't feel like she has to always respond right away. It'll allow the two of you to pick up a much more casual conversation style that'll benefit both of you.
tl;dr I really don't think this has anything to do with you personally or about something you've done, and it's more about her recognizing that she needs to focus on other things in her life. I know it's hard not to take it personally because it feels like a rejection of you, but please try not to read it that way.
posted by phunniemee at 6:23 AM on August 17, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's almost certainly this. "Hours of chatting almost every day" is an awful lot of interaction with another person, and really isn't a reasonable friendship expectation. Hours per day chatting with you is hours per day she's not spending with family, with a SO, fostering friendships with people who live close to her, doing her job, working on hobbies, learning something new, or even just staring at a wall and zoning out. And all of those are things that are important. You're important, too, of course, but it's unhealthy for one friendship to monopolize every ounce of her free time.
It can be tricky to navigate a gradual scaling back in situations like this, because one or two texts or a 5 minute catch up convo can easily slip back into the pattern of doing it for hours. If she's trying to move away from that, it's easier to just quit for a while and put her focus elsewhere. I suspect that's what's happening. You miss talking to your friend, but I think it's likely she also misses talking to you, and she knows that the all-the-time dynamic isn't healthy for her.
So what I think you should do is let her have a break. Don't try to engage her in a conversation about why you're not having conversations. Let her have some space. Break the habit you two have fallen into of relying on each other for your #1 emotional support network. And then in a few weeks, put out a feeler. Something simple that doesn't require an immediate response, like a text that says "I saw a funny _______ today and it reminded me of that time we ______ :)" and then let her take the lead on timing and frequency. Space out the communication so she doesn't feel like she has to always respond right away. It'll allow the two of you to pick up a much more casual conversation style that'll benefit both of you.
tl;dr I really don't think this has anything to do with you personally or about something you've done, and it's more about her recognizing that she needs to focus on other things in her life. I know it's hard not to take it personally because it feels like a rejection of you, but please try not to read it that way.
posted by phunniemee at 6:23 AM on August 17, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's really not healthy to spend hours chatting every day with a long-distance friend. It might help you to think of it this way -- she needs to focus on her life wherever she is, and that's what she's telling you. You should do the same. Go find friends and things to do, and live your life!
By the way, was this something with romantic overtones? Did you like like her? Could she have thought you did? Or felt that way about you? All the more reason to take a break from this level of communication, since nothing romantic was actually happening, but was wanted (if that's the case).
posted by J. Wilson at 6:27 AM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
By the way, was this something with romantic overtones? Did you like like her? Could she have thought you did? Or felt that way about you? All the more reason to take a break from this level of communication, since nothing romantic was actually happening, but was wanted (if that's the case).
posted by J. Wilson at 6:27 AM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think this probably a result of something happening in her life, unrelated to you, that's made it unsustainable to spend hours chatting with you. Honestly, that is a LOT of time to spend chatting with one person. When we're in different locations for work/visiting family/etc. I don't even spend that much time chatting with my husband! While everyone has different desires for time spent chatting online, I think for many people that would just get to be too much and be taking away from everything else she wants to be doing with her life (work, hanging out with in-real-life friends, going out on dates and/or spending time with a significant other, volunteering, hanging out with family, etc. etc.) If even one of those categories ramped up -- i.e. joining a new hobby group, finding someone she wants to date more seriously, a busy period at work, or whatever -- I could easily see this chatting habit feeling way too extreme and her needing to pull back from it. As she said, it's her, not you.
But then I think when you pushed her for an answer over and over, you probably made her very uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to have that sort of in depth interrogation about my chatting habits with a friend -- to me, that sort of "let's talk about our feelings/what did I do wrong/etc." is more appropriate to a romantic relationship. She was setting a clear boundary, and you forced her to repeatedly justify it and questioned her motives. If you really respect a friend, you need to accept that they have their own life, their own priorities, etc. and those things will change over time. I'm not sure if this is fixable -- if a friend questioned me the way you did to your friend, I would probably take a long time to get over it, if ever -- but if it is fixable, I think the answer is to give her a LOT of space, and perhaps after some time has passed send an apology email that says something along the lines of "Hey, I'm sorry I pushed you on the amount of time we spend chatting. I was feeling hurt but I should have respected your boundary. If you want to chat in the future again, let me know."
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:33 AM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
But then I think when you pushed her for an answer over and over, you probably made her very uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to have that sort of in depth interrogation about my chatting habits with a friend -- to me, that sort of "let's talk about our feelings/what did I do wrong/etc." is more appropriate to a romantic relationship. She was setting a clear boundary, and you forced her to repeatedly justify it and questioned her motives. If you really respect a friend, you need to accept that they have their own life, their own priorities, etc. and those things will change over time. I'm not sure if this is fixable -- if a friend questioned me the way you did to your friend, I would probably take a long time to get over it, if ever -- but if it is fixable, I think the answer is to give her a LOT of space, and perhaps after some time has passed send an apology email that says something along the lines of "Hey, I'm sorry I pushed you on the amount of time we spend chatting. I was feeling hurt but I should have respected your boundary. If you want to chat in the future again, let me know."
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:33 AM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have a friend whom I grew up with, we were 'best friends'...she is a TALKER...while I enjoy chatting here and there I have no desire to talk on the phone over and over for hours, I also was raising 2 kids and didn't have the time. I also have work friends who would call me after 8 hours working together to talk...about work. Again I was busy and do not enjoy talking on the phone especially more than once a week to the same person, nothing changes that much during the week.
Lo and behold I stopped answering my phone and was accused of screening my phone calls, and yes I was, it's just too much.
I feel you are almost obsessive about this which is turning her off, it is (sorry to say) creepy. I hate to tell you but just leave her alone, let it go. Learn a lesson from this though, while it is nice to care about someone you have got to give people space.
posted by irish01 at 6:47 AM on August 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
Lo and behold I stopped answering my phone and was accused of screening my phone calls, and yes I was, it's just too much.
I feel you are almost obsessive about this which is turning her off, it is (sorry to say) creepy. I hate to tell you but just leave her alone, let it go. Learn a lesson from this though, while it is nice to care about someone you have got to give people space.
posted by irish01 at 6:47 AM on August 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
I'm one of those people who doesn't enjoy chatting online or doing much in the way of texting. What you describe here would be way too much communication with one person, especially one who lives far away. If someone was trying to have that much contact with me, I would be very put off. I'd be even more put off if they kept asking me why I didn't want to chat with them as much and would definitely pull away.
As per my knowledge there was no life changing situation happening in her personal life.
Doesn't matter. You are not entitled to someone else's time or affections. I know that's probably hard to hear but it's true. She is giving you the nice version of "I don't really want to talk to you" and you are insisting that you are owed an explanation, when in fact she owes you nothing. Focus on meeting people and growing friendships with people who are on the same page as you. Don't waste your time or energy on someone who is clearly not interested in the same level of friendship as you are.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:34 AM on August 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
As per my knowledge there was no life changing situation happening in her personal life.
Doesn't matter. You are not entitled to someone else's time or affections. I know that's probably hard to hear but it's true. She is giving you the nice version of "I don't really want to talk to you" and you are insisting that you are owed an explanation, when in fact she owes you nothing. Focus on meeting people and growing friendships with people who are on the same page as you. Don't waste your time or energy on someone who is clearly not interested in the same level of friendship as you are.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:34 AM on August 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
I want her back as my best friend with active talks. I would like to know your suggestions and opinions please.
My suggestion is that you let it go and let her have the distance she wants and needs. If she wants to be your best friend again, she will come back. If she doesn't, that's her prerogative.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:23 AM on August 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
My suggestion is that you let it go and let her have the distance she wants and needs. If she wants to be your best friend again, she will come back. If she doesn't, that's her prerogative.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:23 AM on August 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
I've been on both sides of this. Yes, it can suck, but having been the one taking distance, phunniemee has it - sometimes you have to step back and see that the all-the-time dynamic isn't healthy for you at that moment.
My advice: don't make this black and white, don't make it all or nothing. This easing of the communication is not a "losing her forever" situation unless you make it that way. You yourself say you've been friends and chatting "on and off for many years and especially the last few months" - what goes up must come down. Be easy.
If the issue is instead that you want more than friendship from this relationship, start by being honest with yourself about that, and then think in practical terms about the logistics of whether you could make that work (visits, moving to the same place, etc.) And if it's realistic and something you would be willing to invest in, only then should you consider bringing it up with her.
posted by pahalial at 9:24 AM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
My advice: don't make this black and white, don't make it all or nothing. This easing of the communication is not a "losing her forever" situation unless you make it that way. You yourself say you've been friends and chatting "on and off for many years and especially the last few months" - what goes up must come down. Be easy.
If the issue is instead that you want more than friendship from this relationship, start by being honest with yourself about that, and then think in practical terms about the logistics of whether you could make that work (visits, moving to the same place, etc.) And if it's realistic and something you would be willing to invest in, only then should you consider bringing it up with her.
posted by pahalial at 9:24 AM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm wondering if something changed for her. Maybe she got a new job or have had some new responsibilities come up, and the level of time chatting became overwhelming.
Or maybe something happened that made her uncomfortable with your relationship.
Regardless, she has been clear about her wishes. Let it go - if she wants to contact you she will.
posted by bunderful at 5:14 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Or maybe something happened that made her uncomfortable with your relationship.
Regardless, she has been clear about her wishes. Let it go - if she wants to contact you she will.
posted by bunderful at 5:14 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You say she is your best friend, but I think you should try to make more than one "best" friend and not put that entire burden on just one person, especially on a person who is not local to you.
I would not try to contact her again; she has been very clear and you need to respect her life choices.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:14 AM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]