Broke up with toxic ex, why do I feel like I did something wrong?

August 16, 2015 3:19 PM

I broke up with my toxic ex roughly 2 weeks ago and I feel real empty and weird. I feel sad and feel like I did something wrong but he mainly to blame for this. More inside

I broke up with my ex roughly 2 weeks after we had a huge argument. This is the same ex that I've asked about in my last two AskMeFi questions. Long story short, we got into a disagreement where put his hands on me first (choked me, bit me, restrained me a little too tightly to stop me from swinging on him,etc). I fought back and he ended up with more war scars on him that I did. After this, we've talked and it seems like he didn't think he did anything wrong. He was saying manipulative stuff, being extremely stubborn about the situation and I honestly felt like he was blaming the situation on me. The fight was extremely uncalled for and I didn't think he would ever do that to me. I was like a switch just flipped on him. He's never hit me before, let alone been that angry with me. It was a scary sight and feeling. I feel extremely betrayed, hurt, scared, and confused. A couple of days after, we talked about the fight, but having time to think about the situation and without him, something in me knew this wasn't right and it wasn't worth fighting for anymore. Of course, I love and care for him but this isn't good. I shouldn't feel this stressed out or be filled with this much anxiety and it shouldn't be this hard to be with someone. I texted him that I think we should part ways because this is extremely unhealthy, the situation won't get better and that i don't like myself around him( which is true as I feel a dark cloud over my head when I'm around him, feel like I'm walking on eggshells every time we hang out because he takes everything personally, super sensitive and almost always finds a way to twist my words around) and to please respect my wishes and don't contact me any more. He didn't respect my wishes and decided to harass me non stop through calling, texting, reaching out through all forms of social media for about 4 days straight, going through a range of anger, sadness, saying mean things, and being kind of threatening. I blocked him because it was literally making me nauseous and scared of what he would do next to me. I had extreme anxiety through that weekend, had my therapist on speed dial updating her on the situation, carried mace on me in case he decided to show up at my house, was always with a friend and avoided places where I knew he would be. He eventually stopped but I have seen him around town since (we hang out in similar places).

I felt it was the right decision to end things but why do I feel real sad, like that I'm empty inside and like I did something wrong and that this whole situation is my fault. I know I defended myself but I feel horrible by how I retailated and i do feel like to blame. I've never attacked anyone like that before but I was definitely fearing for my life during the fight and after when I broke up with him. I've tried my hardest to make this relationship work, as stated in my previous questions but I feel like I've wasted time and is now making up for lost time. I feel lost and defeated.

I've been keeping busy with hanging out with new and old friends, working on personal projects, working out, cooking more, going to therapy, and generally doing things to make me happy but I have thoughts like "Oh what if he is dating someone else already? Have I already been replaced? What if I see him out with another girl? How could he do this to someone that he apparently loves and cares for? How much of our relationship was really real? Is he having fun without me?" What other manipulative things has he said to get me to feel sorry for him or to change my mind? What if I get forgotten about? Is he happier without?" He hasn't reached to me in about 2 weeks but I saw him last week a this event and I ignored him. All of these things are crushing to me. It's weird to think that I thought our relationship would last much longer than this and that we could work our problems out but to think that this is officially over and that he'll eventually become a stranger to me is scary.

Any words of advice, encouragement, reassurance on my actions, tips on going through a breakup, etc, would be helpful.

posted by ruebeignet to Human Relations (16 answers total)

I broke up with an emotionally abusive ex about 3 years ago, and felt similarly to how you say you are feeling. The reason, I think, is because you are in a state of grief. You are grieving the loss of the relationship, of the time and effort you put into it. Your sadness, and your thoughts about what he's doing, if he has another gf already etc, will pass, I promise you. If he was physically abusive to you, just know you did the right thing by getting out!! You are worth so much more respect and love than he was giving you.

My main tips would be to focus on yourself. Try not to think too much about the what ifs, and focus on moving forward. Do hobbies you enjoy. Hang out with friends. Eventually, your life will feel more normal without him. I was with my ex for about 10 years, so yes, it can be hard to just move on, but take it one day at a time.

Also - ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Sounds like he was an asshole, and you are not responsible for his bad behavior. I know it's hard to come around to that thinking. I remember feeling the exact same way, but assholes are gonna be assholes and there's nothing you can do to fix that other than by getting them out of your life.

So - congrats on breaking up with this jerk. Use this time to work on yourself, and know that you made the right choice. **Hugs**.
posted by FireFountain at 3:30 PM on August 16, 2015 [6 favorites]

Because it has only been two weeks. Because even though it was the right decision doesn't mean it was an easy decision. Because even though he was toxic doesn't mean you didn't have feelings for him.

Breakups are hard no matter what. Two weeks is barely anything, it will get better.
posted by magnetsphere at 3:31 PM on August 16, 2015 [19 favorites]

I remember a study about break ups. When men broke up with women he felt little trauma. When he's broken up with he was very upset. Whether she is broken up with, or does they breaking up a women feels similar trauma.

This really rang true with me. After breaking up FINALLY with someone that was just terrible to me I felt horrible for him. I literally punished my self that whole summer trying to not have too much fun because he was so miserable about it.

People that make you miserable during a relationship have an extra gift in making you miserable after the break up. Don't let him. This will seem like a strange dark storm you drove through once and is very far behind you. Let it be that sooner than later.
posted by ReluctantViking at 3:39 PM on August 16, 2015 [5 favorites]

Rihanna once tweeted,"Never underestimate a man's ability to make you feel guilty for his mistakes."
posted by discopolo at 3:45 PM on August 16, 2015 [73 favorites]

The reason, I think, is because you are in a state of grief. You are grieving the loss of the relationship, of the time and effort you put into it. Your sadness, and your thoughts about what he's doing, if he has another gf already etc, will pass, I promise you. If he was physically abusive to you, just know you did the right thing by getting out!! You are worth so much more respect and love than he was giving you.

This is so true! Also, don't forget: you're grieving what you hoped this relationship could ideally be, even if in truth, it could never be the way you hoped for because he's not who you hoped he would be. Take some comfort in that, that this guy is unlikely to ever change and that he's not your problem anymore.
posted by discopolo at 3:50 PM on August 16, 2015 [5 favorites]

I just want to mention that you should save any email, messages, texts or anything else he sent to you just in case he starts harassing you again and you need to file a restraining order. Hopefully he won't, but now that he's flipped the violence switch on you it's better to keep the evidence in case you need it.
posted by i feel possessed at 4:12 PM on August 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

It seems natural to me that -- after weeks of organizing your life around him, constantly wondering what he'll take personally next, etc. -- you'd be left feeling empty. Is it possible that what you're hearing is some blessed peace and quiet? Now you have space in your head for thinking thoughts about what you want.

Feeling bad for trying to punch someone, etc., is natural. If how you behaved isn't how you want to behave, then it's natural to want to spend some time thinking about that before you can move on.
posted by salvia at 4:29 PM on August 16, 2015 [4 favorites]

I have thoughts like "Oh what if he is dating someone else already? Have I already been replaced? What if I see him out with another girl? How could he do this to someone that he apparently loves and cares for? How much of our relationship was really real? Is he having fun without me?" What other manipulative things has he said to get me to feel sorry for him or to change my mind?

He's going to turn on her, too, believe me. He made a choice. There is nothing you did that could have kept him from being physically abusive---that's who he is inside. I promise you that he didn't do it by accident. He took the opportunity to act on what he has wanted to do.

Look up this book by Lundy Bancroft. It's about Angry and Controlling Men.

There are men who equate rage and physical violence with asserting their masculinity, and people who resort to violence try to control other people physically because they refuse to learn how to control themselves. He felt good doing this to you because deep down inside he's a fucking psycho masquerading as a normal person.

There's going to be a time where you're going to be really angry that you were with him. Don't be angry at yourself. Don't blame yourself. Blame him for being a horrible and manipulative POS. and thank goodness you're done with him.

Pray for whatever woman he ends up tricking next. Just pray she gets out safely, because she's next and may not have the self esteem or social support to get out alive.
posted by discopolo at 4:32 PM on August 16, 2015 [8 favorites]

discopolo's words above really rang true to me and my experience of being in a really toxic, manipulative relationship: "Also, don't forget: you're grieving what you hoped this relationship could ideally be". It's going to take time for you to get past feeling that there was something you could have done to have made it all work out. It's a really normal feeling and not a sign that you are doing ANYTHING wrong. All of the things you list doing are great, and the human contact especially with friends and the therapist will be invaluable to help you keep going no-contact even though it feels weird and awful. I know the scared, nauseous feeling you're talking about and that will absolutely get better over time.

I know when my toxic relationship ended, I spent a long time vacillating between just feeling so stupid for being the literal stereotype of a women who thinks she can change a man and wanting so badly to just give it all another shot (which then spiraled back into feeling stupid, because DUH TERRIBLE IDEA). It took me a long time to forgive myself and move from feeling shame about the relationship to feeling that it was simply a part of my life that I dealt with the best that I could at the time. Remember that a manipulative person has been messing with your mind for a long time, and it will take time to heal and get out of some of the thinking patterns his behavior may have caused.

Hugs, I know the empty feeling you are talking about and I was able to get through it, but it definitely sucked for a long time. You sound like you are doing everything you can to take care of yourself and you will get through it too. Be kind to yourself and keep reaching out to friends and your therapist when it feels too hard on your own. You will get through it.
posted by augustimagination at 4:55 PM on August 16, 2015 [12 favorites]

choked me, bit me, restrained me a little too tightly to stop me from swinging on him

Dude, that's assault. I had my ex thrown in jail for *only* shoving me, which was domestic assault, but he got it pleaded down to regular assault, whatever that is. He had to go through anger management classes and pay a fine. That was enough for me.

He thought it was all my fault too. I was sitting in another room. He was in bed. I lit up a smoke. He jumped out of bed, ran down the hallway, slapped my face, and shoved me upside down. Then he tore the whole room apart. While this happened, I grabbed the cordless phone and dialed 911, and said, "help me!" and then he yanked the cord out of the wall, and said, "you fucking bitch! You made me do this! You fucking bitch! Where are my car keys?" And he grabbed my purse and took it back down the hallway into the bedroom and dumped it upside down.

I was like, "okay, I'll get the keys," and I walked out the front door, where 4 very angry and burly cops were stomping up the front steps. They couldn't believe he had beat me over a smoke. I still feel like it was my fault. Even tho' he had threatened to beat me up a few days before, for spending $30 at the grocery store. You know, there really is no rhyme or reason with these kind of guys. There is just blaming women and beating women. I could have farted in the wrong direction and set him off.

Consider yourself lucky that you got away from this guy so soon, before it got too much and too complicated. Wash your eyeballs and dredge your life of him, because men like this are truly assholes, and they will steal your soul, and years of your life, if you let them. It's normal to feel grief, yeah, but make sure you never go out with a guy like this again, because DAMN! Choking you! And you feel sorry for him and miss him! That's some manipulation there. I would like to kick that guy in the head, that's how I feel about it. And that's how you should feel too. Get some buddies and get some friends and never go near this guy again.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:04 PM on August 16, 2015 [23 favorites]

I think you spent so many emotional resources in trying to figure out and deal with him that you lost some of yourself in the process. You went through something very traumatic, and extricated yourself from it in a very good way with excellent support. What your doing now is natural and how you're approaching this seems very healthy, and that feeling might well be pretty foreign to you, given what you were dealing with before.

Keep doing different things like you're doing and maybe set some new routines that become habits. You need some time to find this new normal that you'll settle into.

If you must think of him, think about what you don't have to put up with anymore and relish that.

He didn't do this because you deserved it; he did this because this is what he does, no matter what. You won't see him with a special someone because she doesn't exist to him, just like your ideal relationship didn't exist in what you two had.

I'm very proud of you and send virtual hugs your way.
posted by SillyShepherd at 5:22 PM on August 16, 2015 [7 favorites]

I broke up with my toxic ex roughly 2 weeks ago and I feel real empty and weird. I feel sad and feel like I did something wrong but he mainly to blame for this.

One of the ninja tricks of abusers is to make things that aren't complicated seem nuanced and complicated.

You saw it clear-eyed at first and you see it clear-eyed now. You're done, there's nothing vague, there's no complexity, there is nothing to examine. Your self-esteem is a little hurt, but that's the thing you should focus on, building up that little tree again. Nothing else suggests any kind of requirement for backward thinking. You did a good job, you're smart, you're done:

Long story short, we got into a disagreement where put his hands on me first (choked me, bit me, restrained me a little too tightly to stop me from swinging on him,etc). I fought back and he ended up with more war scars on him that I did. After this, we've talked and it seems like he didn't think he did anything wrong. He was saying manipulative stuff, being extremely stubborn about the situation and I honestly felt like he was blaming the situation on me. The fight was extremely uncalled for and I didn't think he would ever do that to me. I was like a switch just flipped on him. He's never hit me before, let alone been that angry with me. It was a scary sight and feeling. I feel extremely betrayed, hurt, scared, and confused.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:24 PM on August 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

> Rihanna once tweeted,"Never underestimate a man's ability to make you feel guilty for his mistakes."
> posted by discopolo at 6:45 PM on August 16

While 100% true (and obviously women can do this just as easily as men), another factor is victims of violence have a very strange tendency to blame themselves, especially if the perp is someone close (family/love).

YOU ARE NEVER TO BLAME FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. No matter what his behavior is. Period. You didn't bring this on, and you are to be praised for having the strength to move on.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:27 PM on August 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

Hey. Honey. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You have every right to be unhappy right now. Someone you loved and trusted and spent two years with turned on you like an animal. He hurt you, bit and choked you. You had to fight him for your life. That is a traumatic event and you are reacting to that trauma normally-- with grief about the assault, with grief for the relationship you had before your ex chose to be violent, and with the wish that you somehow had enough control over the situation to stop it from having happened. It seems like your ex had already cycled through an abusive/comforting period before he escalated to physically assaulting you, so you may want to read up on trauma bonding and see if it's any balm for your questions about why you want him to help you heal from this and are distressed at the thought of him just abandoning you for other partners, even though your rational mind knows he is bad news. Again, I'm so sorry your ex did this to you. This mefite is proud of you for coming out of that fight alive and sorry you had to engage in the kind of violence you would never normally touch to be present, safe, and posting here on the green. Be gentle with yourself. ((hug))
posted by moonlight on vermont at 1:35 AM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

Hi! Congrats on leaving a terrible situation. That's not easy to do -- you are doing a very difficult thing.

Because you are doing something hard, and just left a toxic situation - and also because you said you fear for your safety, I think you should considering calling the national domestic abuse hotline.

Honestly it sounds like you're doing everything right. You're in therapy. You're moving on with your life. The feelings you have -- "Did I do the right thing?", or worrying about whether you've been "replaced" -- are all completely normal. Remind yourself that you are in recovery and you are going through a crisis.

It's only been a couple weeks. It will take months and perhaps even years to fully heal from this. Take it one day at a time and continue taking care of yourself. You're doing a hard thing! But it's the right thing to do.
posted by Gray Skies at 8:02 AM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

I will also add that as time goes on, and you heal from this, you will care about him less and less. Yes, it hurts to feel replaced - but remind yourself that he's abusive and that means you should feel sorry for whoever he replaces you with. You don't want to be with someone who did what he did to you or made you feel how you felt with him. And you wouldn't want that for anyone you care about.

that he'll eventually become a stranger to me is scary.

You want an abusive jackass to be a stranger to you -- you do not want that kind of person in your life or anywhere near you. His becoming a stranger to you means that you will move on from this, and you will be stronger and wiser and one day, he will be a distant memory. That's a good thing.
posted by Gray Skies at 8:12 AM on August 17, 2015 [5 favorites]