Throwing a Bachelor Party for a guy you don't know very well?

August 14, 2015 8:19 PM

So my sister is getting married next week, and I'm the Maid of Honor and have been planning her bachelorette party for months. However, her groom -- for various reasons I won't bore you with -- has found no one on his side is going to be throwing him a bachelor party. I'm thinking I may have to swiftly organize a bachelor party or some kind of event for the groom as well, to keep my sister happy and of course for his own enjoyment. Are there any ideas for what to do?

Sister is concerned for him and definitely wants him to have a party, and she'll feel all guilty trying to have fun while knowing he's home alone and no one's throwing him any parties. Her ideas include inviting him to the bachelorette party (which I kind of feel violates the point of the party, which is supposed to be the last time you hang out with all your friends WITHOUT your spouse) or disinviting her male friends from her bachelorette party and instead assigning them to take out her groom for a bachelor party (which seems a poor idea because they're HER friends and would probably rather see her than be responsible for her boyfriend.)

So, the party seems to fall to me in order to ensure the bachelorette goes well, and that the groom be taken care of too.

I don't think he's a stripper kind of guy and the only strip bar in town is pretty gross, as I understand. It's not a big city we live in, so it's the kind of place where one normally has to make their own fun -- not a lot of nightlife at all. Need ideas for keeping the poor guy happy and entertained while his fiancee and her friends are away for the evening!

posted by Peregrine Pickle to Society & Culture (27 answers total)

Ask his groomsmen to throw him one. Or tell your sister to ask his groomsmen or male friend. Because you need someone who can get other guys to come instead of skipping it.
posted by discopolo at 8:25 PM on August 14, 2015 [8 favorites]

Does he have friends in town? You could put together a scavenger hunt that ends at the same bar where your party ends. My bachelorette party and my husband's bachelor party met up at the end of the night and it was so much fun.
posted by slmorri at 8:27 PM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

By the way, you are so awesome to take on planning both.
posted by slmorri at 8:28 PM on August 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

Who exactly would attend his bachelor party? Find those people and talk to them. I don't see how you can plan something without their involvement since you won't even be there the night of the party.
posted by gatorae at 8:29 PM on August 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Tickets to a sporting event. Anything where they serve food and drink. Hire a bus so they don't have to drive.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:40 PM on August 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Mr. BlahLaLa went bowling with his brothers. It doesn't need to be a crazy bacchanal. Maybe if you do some preliminary research and make the rezzies, his groomsmen can take it from there?
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:52 PM on August 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's her bachelorette party, not yours. She's given you the answer - invite the guys to a shared party. The fact that you don't like that isn't really a reason that she can't have a shared party.
posted by 26.2 at 8:53 PM on August 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: The short version of the trouble is that none of his friends or family or groomsmen are going to be in town in time to throw him a party before the wedding (don't want to bore everyone with backstory or divulge a ton of personal info about he family but basically the bride and groom are not local to the place where the wedding is being held and almost EVERYONE attending the wedding is from some other place.)
posted by Peregrine Pickle at 9:19 PM on August 14, 2015

I went to a combined bachelor/bachelorette party that was planned in a way that might work for you. Everyone and their date met at one location at the beginning of the night (in this case the bride and groom's apartment). Next, the women and men went to separate bars for a few hours, then we all met up at the same bar at the end of the night. My boyfriend was friends with the groom, so I was technically attending the wedding on the groom's side, but since we all started and ended the night together it didn't feel odd to be included in the bachelorette party.
posted by balacat at 9:30 PM on August 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

I mean, if he doesn't have any friends or family in town and you want him to not sit at home alone, you basically have to invite him to the bachelorette party.

On the bright side, hopefully your sister is marrying him because he's cool and gets along with her friends and family, so it shouldn't ruin the party. If his presence will ruin the party, then tbh there are bigger problems.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 9:33 PM on August 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Bachelor parties are not a requirement for a successfully marriage. In fact, I would find it very patronising if someone decided that I couldn't stand staying home alone, while my fiancee is out having fun. It may not be the answer to your question, but I think you should leave the groom alone. If he's old enough to get married, then he is old enough to plan his own fun.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:36 PM on August 14, 2015 [8 favorites]

Response by poster: One of the other problems with inviting him to the bachelorette, beyond just ruining the ritual, is also that it was kind of deliberately designed around doing stuff he doesn't like (lots of food he's allergic to, etc.) on the presumption it'll be the last time she can do these things. Reservations and deposits are already made and have been in place for months.
posted by Peregrine Pickle at 9:54 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

So if the whole evening is eating at a restaurant where there is literally nothing he can eat, then you're right, it won't work.

But if your plan is dinner at (place fiancé wouldn't like) followed by drinks or dancing or whatever, could he join you for the drinks? If you were feeling super generous, you could arrange to have something he does enjoy sent to the hotel for dinner, then arrange for a cab or Uber so he can meet up with you guys afterward. Plus, then you get some alone-friend time before the fiancé shows up.

(I also wonder if you and some friends will be in town long enough that you could also do a bachelorette lunch type of thing? If you want to make sure you guys get to spend enough fiancé-less time together, but still not ditch him for the bachelorette night.)

Also, seriously, it won't be the last time she can do these things. I like plenty of things that my husband doesn't like, so I just do those things by myself or with other people, because although married, I remain a human with agency. Just today, I went to the beach with a friend! There's no need to build this up as "the last time Pickle Sister can have Hungarian food!!" unless fiancé is real controlling, and again, if that's the case then there are bigger problems.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 10:07 PM on August 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

The short version of the trouble is that none of his friends or family or groomsmen are going to be in town in time to throw him a party before the wedding

So I guess I don't quite understand how you envision this working. Do you mean no one will be in town early enough to plan a party? If you really think none of them can arrange something long distance (I'm not sure why this would be the case), then set things up ahead of time and get one or two of them to make sure everything is delivered on the day.

It doesn't have to be elaborate to be a fun ritual. Where is everyone staying? As a group in a hotel? Get in touch with all the men. Pick one person to volunteer his room (does anyone have a suite?) Then get 2-3 "dude" movies or his favorite movies on DVD, arrange for his favorite meal to be delivered plus beer/sodas/whiskeys, dessert (groom cake?). He hangs out with them and all the women go out and have fun, guilt free. Get the payments arranged in advance, get a couple of attendees to make sure everything gets put together at the last minute. Done and dusted.
posted by Beti at 10:10 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

I never really had a bachelor party before I got married because my wedding was in Australia and most of my guy friends couldn't make it, but it was all agreed and communicated that I would have a celebration when it was convenient.
posted by misterdaniel at 10:19 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

What does the groom want?

If the wedding is next week then presumably this weekend is the last weekend before the big day? The ship might’ve sailed on any type of big party. I planned my own “bachelor party” because my best man lived very far away and I also wanted to do something as a thank you for my groomsmen so I took on the responsibility (with some help from my friends) and it was totally fun. If his friends didn’t plan anything and he didn’t plan anything, then….maybe it isn’t a big deal to him? Maybe he’s ok with that?

I guess I’m confused because your question doesn’t indicate what he wants to do or why something wasn’t already planned by him / his friends so the guilt felt by his future wife seems misplaced.

If his friends aren’t going to be around while the bachelorette party is going on, how about giving him a $50 gift card to Grubhub (or his favorite restaurant or whatever), a nice bottle of liquor, and orders to give his brain a break for the evening and play video games, binge on Netflix, or otherwise indulge in his favorite solitary activity? Sounds like a perfectly fine evening to me.

What about seeing if there’s any way for his best man to come in a day early so they can hang out one-on-one? You can spring for the extra plane ticket or whatever expenses there are.
posted by Diskeater at 10:52 PM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

If he likes sports, see if there's a local sports team in town that does private parties or suites or something along those lines. The big clubs might be a bit much for your budget but the minor league team by me, for example, will set you up with a private box space with kitchen and food for about $25-50 a head depending on where the party wants to be in the park.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:36 PM on August 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

[the] groom [is] not local to the place where the wedding is being held and almost EVERYONE attending the wedding is from some other place

Is there any nearby place where there is a big enough concentration of his friends to get together for an overnight trip to a cabin in the woods or something like that? Does he get along well with his father in law to be and will the future FiL be in town? They could go off for a male bonding session.
posted by Candleman at 12:16 AM on August 15, 2015

Get his groomsmen to pitch in to transport him to his best man's location whose problem this should have been from the get go. Why is the bride putting this on you instead of his friends? And so last minute? This is what His Friends should have been thinking about this whole time. This is a clear case of telling those guys "You had ONE job." Talk about emotional labor.
posted by like_neon at 1:04 AM on August 15, 2015 [29 favorites]

Does the groom actually want a party? My husband really didn't (we were among the first to get married and he envisaged some dreadful stripper thing). I think he should have had some drinks with his mates, five years later he is still perfectly happy that he didn't.
posted by tinkletown at 5:32 AM on August 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

It doesn't need to be a crazy bacchanal.

Agreed. The trick is that tastes differ and something that one person will love will be kinda weird and lame for another. For example, when my dad was best man for his high school best friend's wedding, they went to a cemetery with champagne to toast the death of his bachelorhood, then went to Red Hot and Blue and ate a prodigious amount of BBQ. I personally think this was a hilarious idea and absolutely love it, but when I tell this story to people, lots of them give me the side eye and add another item to the "and this is why Dad Freedom and his family are weird" list in their heads.

You have to get input from someone who knows the guy well, is what I'm trying to say.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:44 AM on August 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

Where are his groomsmen/friends? Could you surprise him with a ticket to go and see them by himself for a weekend prior to the wedding? Then let him and/or his friends take over the planning.

I don't really think this is your responsibility, but if this is viable cost-and-time-wise it could be a relatively easy thing to do that would keep everyone happy.
posted by breakin' the law at 11:56 AM on August 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Also, I can totally understand not inviting him to the bachelorette party. Not because it's The Last Time your sister will do things without him - presumably (hopefully) it is not. But because I think bachelor/bachelorette parties represent a sort of symbolic end to the time when your friends constitute your most important peer relationships. Of course this is purely symbolism: chances are, by the time you get married, that time has already passed (especially if you live with your SO). But I don't think these things are really about an end to some stereotypical wild-and-crazy single days - the strip club thing is silly, IMHO - they're about friendship and the bonds you made with your peers which pre-exist your future spouse.

I know combined bachelor/bachelorette parties work for some people, but I think they kind of go against the spirit of the whole thing. Even if "the whole thing" just involves going bowling or going to a restaurant or whatever. If I were the groom in this situation, I wouldn't want to go to the bachelorette party.

Also: Have you, or your sister, talked to him about this? He might be totally fine hanging out by himself. He might also be disappointed that his friends didn't get their shit together and do something for him, but that's not your fault.
posted by breakin' the law at 12:22 PM on August 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

could he maybe travel to visit one of his friends, and then return with them? so if he is from X, and now lives at Y (where the marriage will be), then he goes back to X, a day or two before, has a party there (a day early) and then travels back to Y with the people he knows?

otherwise, if he's anything like me, maybe he'd quite enjoy being by himself. in which case being fussed and worried over is annoying him...
posted by andrewcooke at 1:00 PM on August 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

I guess I don't understand how you're supposed to throw him a bachelor party if there is no one in town to attend it? I agree with the people who suggested seeing if you could find a way to send him to visit his best man or another groomsman the weekend before.
posted by echo0720 at 10:59 AM on August 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

like_neon has it. Also, your sister should not feel "all guilty" about the fact that she chose her honor attendant wisely, and her groom apparently did not. (What's up with these grown-ass dudes dropping the ball here?) Respectfully, this just isn't your problem. Definitely go read the epic emotional labor thread on the blue.
posted by hush at 4:54 AM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]

The groomsmen may not be in a financial place to chip in for something big. Most of the guests are coming in from out of town, so add travel costs to the other costs of being an attendant they are already bearing. Reservations and deposits for a bachelorette party imply it is a pretty expensive affair. Maybe the groom doesn't want to demand that kind of thing from his friends. Maybe two of them can afford it but the rest can't and he doesn't want to make them feel bad.
posted by soelo at 8:29 AM on August 19, 2015