Help me work out my boundaries and communicate them to my sister
August 12, 2015 6:10 AM Subscribe
My sister is moving from our home country to my city, where I’ve lived for several years. She appears to expect that she can stay on my sofa indefinitely whilst looking for work. I don’t want this and have tried to push back, but it doesn’t seem to be getting through. Want to set boundaries kindly and consciously.
My (late 20s) sister told me earlier this year that she was moving here, asked if she could stay with me until she found a job, and whether I thought her (meagre) savings plan would be enough to cover her set-up costs when she arrived. At the time I was sharing an apartment with a friend, so I said it wasn’t solely up to me. Having consulted my friend I said that she was ok for my sister to stay on our sofa for a couple of weeks, and she would then need to stay with other friends. If she was truly stuck I would help her out, but she couldn’t rely on it as a base plan. Initially she didn’t react well, saying that she was shocked. She then accepted it.
In terms of her savings, I asked her to think about what her expectations were, advised it might take her longer to find a role than she might think, and offered to help get her temporary work whilst she was looking for roles in her industry. She said she was very confident that she would find work quickly. She seems to be relying on this happening and doesn’t have a buffer if it doesn’t work out that way.
A couple of months ago I moved out of the shared apartment into a one-bed on my own. There was no discussion with my sister about whether this changed things, but I grew concerned she would assume it was ok for her to stay as long as she wanted, in line with her original ask, with no roommate in the picture. My younger, very accommodating, self wouldn’t have minded (or perhaps wouldn’t have been aware of minding), but now I do. My space and independence are important to me. It feels intrusive to have my small living room taken over as a bedroom, especially as she’s bringing 2 big suitcases. It’s also the first time I’m living on my own; I’m really enjoying it and feel like I’ve barely got in the door. At the same time I feel guilty saying that, when she's moving to a new city.
I spoke to my therapist about it and he advised to have the discussion in person, when she arrived. But I decided to say something as it has been weighing on my mind. So by text message yesterday I said I was looking forward to her coming but also had mixed feelings, as I was afraid she would expect things and I’d have to push back and she would be upset. I said my space was very important to me at the moment and I was afraid she wouldn’t understand. I was trying to own my feelings as much as possible, and not make assumptions about what she was thinking, given we hadn’t discussed it since the earlier conversation and I was only speculating.
Her response was that she could stay with another friend “for a week here or there”, and “not to worry”, she wouldn’t be home all the time because she’d also be out with friends, etc. I responded that it seemed like she had expectations about how long she could stay, and I wanted her to check with me what was ok, not to assume. Her reply was “nothing can be decided now” as she would have to see how her job hunt was going, so we could “play it by ear”.
To me, this suggests a big underlying assumption, that she is staying with me indefinitely and that she won’t start looking for somewhere to live until she finds work.
I would like to help her out, but giving up my space for longer than I feel comfortable for feels like a big deal for me. My biggest issues appear to be:
1. I don’t like that she starts by assuming and then I have to push back. Feels like there isn’t the space for me to offer. I feel taken for granted and this gets in the way of connecting with her. I'm also afraid that she will get angry at me, which she has done in the past when I've set boundaries.
2. I feel resentful giving up my space in order to help her save money on rent, as opposed to because she needs a hand whilst she finds a place to live. She’s chosen not to save up more money before moving and if she doesn’t get work immediately she will quickly run out of money. I’m afraid of being guilt-tripped into being her safety net, as a result of poor planning and blind optimism. I’ve taken on much bigger rent in order to have my own place because that’s important to me.
3. I don’t feel very seen or cared about. Her communications with me have been mostly about her needs, rather than asking how I am, what’s ok for me, etc.
4. Up until the time I moved out of home when we were teenagers, my sister used to routinely search through my personal things, including reading my diary and letters. Probably she has grown up and is unlikely to do this now, but having her in my apartment triggers fears around not having my privacy respected.
5. This all takes place in the context of a dysfunctional family background, so I’m feeling somewhat sucked back into that dynamic and suspect I’m handling it from that place.
Questions:
1. Am I being unkind? I’m obviously not comfortable with pushing back as my thoughts keep turning to justifying my position, and worrying about being judged by others who would be more generous. I'd appreciate a sense-check on whether I'm being harsh.
2. Any insights into what’s going on for me and how I can own it more, rather than focusing on her and wishing she would approach it differently? That feels disempowering.
3. Suggestions for how to approach the conversation?
Thanks. Feeling quite caught up in worrying about this.
My (late 20s) sister told me earlier this year that she was moving here, asked if she could stay with me until she found a job, and whether I thought her (meagre) savings plan would be enough to cover her set-up costs when she arrived. At the time I was sharing an apartment with a friend, so I said it wasn’t solely up to me. Having consulted my friend I said that she was ok for my sister to stay on our sofa for a couple of weeks, and she would then need to stay with other friends. If she was truly stuck I would help her out, but she couldn’t rely on it as a base plan. Initially she didn’t react well, saying that she was shocked. She then accepted it.
In terms of her savings, I asked her to think about what her expectations were, advised it might take her longer to find a role than she might think, and offered to help get her temporary work whilst she was looking for roles in her industry. She said she was very confident that she would find work quickly. She seems to be relying on this happening and doesn’t have a buffer if it doesn’t work out that way.
A couple of months ago I moved out of the shared apartment into a one-bed on my own. There was no discussion with my sister about whether this changed things, but I grew concerned she would assume it was ok for her to stay as long as she wanted, in line with her original ask, with no roommate in the picture. My younger, very accommodating, self wouldn’t have minded (or perhaps wouldn’t have been aware of minding), but now I do. My space and independence are important to me. It feels intrusive to have my small living room taken over as a bedroom, especially as she’s bringing 2 big suitcases. It’s also the first time I’m living on my own; I’m really enjoying it and feel like I’ve barely got in the door. At the same time I feel guilty saying that, when she's moving to a new city.
I spoke to my therapist about it and he advised to have the discussion in person, when she arrived. But I decided to say something as it has been weighing on my mind. So by text message yesterday I said I was looking forward to her coming but also had mixed feelings, as I was afraid she would expect things and I’d have to push back and she would be upset. I said my space was very important to me at the moment and I was afraid she wouldn’t understand. I was trying to own my feelings as much as possible, and not make assumptions about what she was thinking, given we hadn’t discussed it since the earlier conversation and I was only speculating.
Her response was that she could stay with another friend “for a week here or there”, and “not to worry”, she wouldn’t be home all the time because she’d also be out with friends, etc. I responded that it seemed like she had expectations about how long she could stay, and I wanted her to check with me what was ok, not to assume. Her reply was “nothing can be decided now” as she would have to see how her job hunt was going, so we could “play it by ear”.
To me, this suggests a big underlying assumption, that she is staying with me indefinitely and that she won’t start looking for somewhere to live until she finds work.
I would like to help her out, but giving up my space for longer than I feel comfortable for feels like a big deal for me. My biggest issues appear to be:
1. I don’t like that she starts by assuming and then I have to push back. Feels like there isn’t the space for me to offer. I feel taken for granted and this gets in the way of connecting with her. I'm also afraid that she will get angry at me, which she has done in the past when I've set boundaries.
2. I feel resentful giving up my space in order to help her save money on rent, as opposed to because she needs a hand whilst she finds a place to live. She’s chosen not to save up more money before moving and if she doesn’t get work immediately she will quickly run out of money. I’m afraid of being guilt-tripped into being her safety net, as a result of poor planning and blind optimism. I’ve taken on much bigger rent in order to have my own place because that’s important to me.
3. I don’t feel very seen or cared about. Her communications with me have been mostly about her needs, rather than asking how I am, what’s ok for me, etc.
4. Up until the time I moved out of home when we were teenagers, my sister used to routinely search through my personal things, including reading my diary and letters. Probably she has grown up and is unlikely to do this now, but having her in my apartment triggers fears around not having my privacy respected.
5. This all takes place in the context of a dysfunctional family background, so I’m feeling somewhat sucked back into that dynamic and suspect I’m handling it from that place.
Questions:
1. Am I being unkind? I’m obviously not comfortable with pushing back as my thoughts keep turning to justifying my position, and worrying about being judged by others who would be more generous. I'd appreciate a sense-check on whether I'm being harsh.
2. Any insights into what’s going on for me and how I can own it more, rather than focusing on her and wishing she would approach it differently? That feels disempowering.
3. Suggestions for how to approach the conversation?
Thanks. Feeling quite caught up in worrying about this.
1. Being kind: you might try approaching this from the standpoint that by drawing boundaries, you're just trying to defend your and your sister's cordial relationship. Everybody has limits, and you're not doing anybody any favors by letting yourself get pushed so far that the relationship itself collapses. You should feel free to express this to your sister: "Sis, I love you a lot, and I know that these kinds of living situations can put stress on relationships. I want to make sure we stay good friends through this, so here's how I think things need to go:..."
2. Figure out some firm limits (w/r/t time, money, roommate boundaries) before she moves in, put them in writing, and get her to agree. Don't passive-aggressively wait for her to do the right thing; figure out your needs, establish them as a set of rules that are fixed, non-negotiable and external to both of you (so you won't feel pressured to cave later). This is the agreement, you both agreed, now you're sticking to it. She can't consent to the agreement? Then you need to put off the move-in until you can reach some common ground about how this situation will work.
posted by Bardolph at 6:31 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
2. Figure out some firm limits (w/r/t time, money, roommate boundaries) before she moves in, put them in writing, and get her to agree. Don't passive-aggressively wait for her to do the right thing; figure out your needs, establish them as a set of rules that are fixed, non-negotiable and external to both of you (so you won't feel pressured to cave later). This is the agreement, you both agreed, now you're sticking to it. She can't consent to the agreement? Then you need to put off the move-in until you can reach some common ground about how this situation will work.
posted by Bardolph at 6:31 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
(Also, stop asking her what her expectations are. What matters is what you can give, not what she wants. By putting the ball in her court, you invite her to make exorbitant demands that you then feel bad for not acceding to.)
posted by Bardolph at 6:32 AM on August 12, 2015 [51 favorites]
posted by Bardolph at 6:32 AM on August 12, 2015 [51 favorites]
You should use more exact time expressions than "a couple of weeks". Maybe something like "fourteen nights" or "until the 15th".
Also - if she's excited about being independent of her parents, maybe you could point out that living with an established sister is a lot like living with parents: you'll expect your house rules to be honored, worry if she's out late, and if you guys end up having conflicts about these things, it will feel very parental to her (not only because you're familiar, but also because you'll naturally use some of the same phrasing and thinking as your parents, since you spent so much time with them). In short, living with sister = not that much fun.
posted by amtho at 6:32 AM on August 12, 2015 [15 favorites]
Also - if she's excited about being independent of her parents, maybe you could point out that living with an established sister is a lot like living with parents: you'll expect your house rules to be honored, worry if she's out late, and if you guys end up having conflicts about these things, it will feel very parental to her (not only because you're familiar, but also because you'll naturally use some of the same phrasing and thinking as your parents, since you spent so much time with them). In short, living with sister = not that much fun.
posted by amtho at 6:32 AM on August 12, 2015 [15 favorites]
While in general I agree that it's better to have difficult conversations in person, I would be concerned that she may be counting on "playing things by ear", and you will feel stuck.
One thing that jumps out at me from your description is that you seem to talk about setting boundaries and pushing back, but you don't say what you want the boundaries to be. If you can't face hosting her for more than 2 weeks, say that. Don't expect her to ask for what she wants because it's in her interests to leave things vague.
posted by Cheese Monster at 6:33 AM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
One thing that jumps out at me from your description is that you seem to talk about setting boundaries and pushing back, but you don't say what you want the boundaries to be. If you can't face hosting her for more than 2 weeks, say that. Don't expect her to ask for what she wants because it's in her interests to leave things vague.
posted by Cheese Monster at 6:33 AM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
Offer now.
Hi sister,
Having thought about it, I can offer you a place to stay from [date] to [date]. I'll need you to be out of the house during [these hours] so I can have some time to myself at home. Please [do/do not] help yourself to basic ingredients (milk, eggs) as long as you replace them if you finish them, and please don't eat anything else, especially [my favourite treats]. I work from [x to y] and need access to the bathroom in the morning for work prep. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't invite anyone over here without checking with me first.
You're welcome to use this address on your resume for job applications as long as you like.
[Add in any other rules and things you might want to offer.]
Then a few days before you want her to leave, you remind her of this or you tell her things are working out well so she can have another week.
In my world it would be ok to ask your sister to chip in for food/consumables but not rent if this is a brief 2 week stay.
posted by jeather at 6:46 AM on August 12, 2015 [22 favorites]
Hi sister,
Having thought about it, I can offer you a place to stay from [date] to [date]. I'll need you to be out of the house during [these hours] so I can have some time to myself at home. Please [do/do not] help yourself to basic ingredients (milk, eggs) as long as you replace them if you finish them, and please don't eat anything else, especially [my favourite treats]. I work from [x to y] and need access to the bathroom in the morning for work prep. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't invite anyone over here without checking with me first.
You're welcome to use this address on your resume for job applications as long as you like.
[Add in any other rules and things you might want to offer.]
Then a few days before you want her to leave, you remind her of this or you tell her things are working out well so she can have another week.
In my world it would be ok to ask your sister to chip in for food/consumables but not rent if this is a brief 2 week stay.
posted by jeather at 6:46 AM on August 12, 2015 [22 favorites]
Stop asking, start telling. You seem to be expecting her to set up rules that are comfortable for you and that's a bit unreasonable. And anyway, she is conveniently ignoring your questions.
So tell her that you know she wants to play this by ear and (not "but") you want her to know what your plans are so that she won't have any inconvenient surprises later. You can accommodate her until (precise date). After this, she will have to find another place to stay. It's non-negotiable but you're otherwise willing to help her by doing X,Y and Z.
X, Y and Z could include stuff like only charging her a specific part of the grocery bills (otherwise she will assume you're paying it all!)
Don't apologise, don't ask if it's ok. You need to sound like this is 100 percent what is going to happen and you are completely confident that she will comply.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:49 AM on August 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
So tell her that you know she wants to play this by ear and (not "but") you want her to know what your plans are so that she won't have any inconvenient surprises later. You can accommodate her until (precise date). After this, she will have to find another place to stay. It's non-negotiable but you're otherwise willing to help her by doing X,Y and Z.
X, Y and Z could include stuff like only charging her a specific part of the grocery bills (otherwise she will assume you're paying it all!)
Don't apologise, don't ask if it's ok. You need to sound like this is 100 percent what is going to happen and you are completely confident that she will comply.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:49 AM on August 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
1. Am I being unkind?
No. I think 2 weeks is a perfectly reasonable limit for even a sibling to stay, especially in a 1-bed place. It might be different if you were really close and lived somewhere with a spare bedroom but that's not the case.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:49 AM on August 12, 2015
No. I think 2 weeks is a perfectly reasonable limit for even a sibling to stay, especially in a 1-bed place. It might be different if you were really close and lived somewhere with a spare bedroom but that's not the case.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:49 AM on August 12, 2015
It sounds like you're doing a lot of work on identifying and sorting out your feelings about this situation. That's great! But from your description, it also sounds like your most recent conversation with your sister was about sharing and exploring your feelings, as opposed to clearly stating your boundaries. A conversation about feelings makes many people (especially those who like to trample blindly over other people's feelings) feel like there's room for negotiation. You need to take the issue of why your sister can't stay with you longer than X days off the table, and refer all questions in that direction to the old Ms. Manners standard "that just won't be possible." Pick a limit, communicate it clearly, and save the discussion of how her visiting for longer would make you feel for vent sessions woth your friends or discussion with your therapist.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:06 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 7:06 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Seriously, I would not let her in at all while she's under the delusion that everything will be fine and she'll find a job right away and won't need money and anyway money doesn't matter because she can just stay with you forever. I think the dread you're expressing is absolutely legitimate because allowing this delusion to persist is not safe for her or for you. I think you have to be Hamlet (be cruel to be kind), because if she comes to your city with the notion that she can railroad you into letting her stay indefinitely one of two bad things is likely to happen: her notion will prove right and she'll succeed in railroading you, which will make you very unhappy and contribute to the destruction of your relationship with your sister; or her notion will prove wrong and she'll fail, which will make her very unhappy and contribute to the destruction of her relationship with her sister. What are you going to do if it turns out she can't find a job? Kick her out and leave her homeless? Pay for her room and board until you can save up enough money to send her back home? If she's safe, solvent and housed, now, then she should stay where she is until she has the resources to make this move. It doesn't sound like you're in a position to take care of both of you, so she is going to need to take care of herself.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:15 AM on August 12, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 7:15 AM on August 12, 2015 [16 favorites]
You are feeling disempowered because you are handing her all the power and then feeling upset about it. You are actually not taking responsibility for any of the decisions and expecting her to make them, with the hope that they will match your desires. When you give someone power and then resent them for having all the power, it never works.
posted by Vaike at 7:28 AM on August 12, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 7:28 AM on August 12, 2015 [21 favorites]
Set it at two weeks or three weeks or whatever you like, but be sure it's understood that that's firm. You can't let yourself be held hostage by a day 14 "You're really going to kick your sister out on the street? I have nowhere else to go!"
The phrase you need is: "I'm really excited to see you on $DAY, but you can only stay here if you can show me that you have a solid plan in place for where you will be staying beginning $DAY+15."
And you have to stick by that. Not just promises that she will find something, but an actual plan in place where she has somewhere else solidly lined up to go as a backup plan after two weeks.
Otherwise you need this phrase: "For your own safety and sanity, you really need to adjust your plans and probably save up more money before you make this move. I can't in good conscience let you stay here for even a single day when you are setting yourself up for failure like this."
posted by 256 at 7:39 AM on August 12, 2015 [26 favorites]
The phrase you need is: "I'm really excited to see you on $DAY, but you can only stay here if you can show me that you have a solid plan in place for where you will be staying beginning $DAY+15."
And you have to stick by that. Not just promises that she will find something, but an actual plan in place where she has somewhere else solidly lined up to go as a backup plan after two weeks.
Otherwise you need this phrase: "For your own safety and sanity, you really need to adjust your plans and probably save up more money before you make this move. I can't in good conscience let you stay here for even a single day when you are setting yourself up for failure like this."
posted by 256 at 7:39 AM on August 12, 2015 [26 favorites]
Depending where you are, if she stays for 30 days, on the 31st day she becomes a legal tenant and you would have to go to court to kick her out. You could not simply change the locks, doing so may be you liable for fines etc. In any case, draw up a roommate agreement and she does not set foot in your place until it's signed. And keep your copy where she can't get to it.
posted by Sophont at 8:03 AM on August 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Sophont at 8:03 AM on August 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
Check your rental agreement for sure. Your landlord has a definite interest in making sure nobody is dwelling in your apartment whose name is not on the lease, and there may in fact be a pre-defined maximum length of time you can host a guest. If this is the case the decision is (conveniently) out of your hands.
posted by trunk muffins at 8:19 AM on August 12, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by trunk muffins at 8:19 AM on August 12, 2015 [20 favorites]
there may in fact be a pre-defined maximum length of time you can host a guest. If this is the case the decision is (conveniently) out of your hands.
Yes, I think that technically on my lease I'm not supposed to have anyone over for more than 3 days without permission from my landlord. Use this to back up the very firm deadline you set with your sister. She has x days/weeks with you, then it's on to other friends/air BNB/a hostel.
Having firm deadlines might also help her be more realistic about her job search, including thinking now about backup plans if the industry job she thinks is on lock doesn't pan out.
posted by TwoStride at 8:31 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, I think that technically on my lease I'm not supposed to have anyone over for more than 3 days without permission from my landlord. Use this to back up the very firm deadline you set with your sister. She has x days/weeks with you, then it's on to other friends/air BNB/a hostel.
Having firm deadlines might also help her be more realistic about her job search, including thinking now about backup plans if the industry job she thinks is on lock doesn't pan out.
posted by TwoStride at 8:31 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can't in good conscience let you stay here for even a single day when you are setting yourself up for failure like this.
See Don Pepino and 256 above. You are the older sister. You have the right to advise her on what she needs to do if you're going to be helping her with lodging. She needs a plan in place including at least $___ in spending money for the ___ weeks she will stay with you, and a plan to move somewhere else after that, AND a refundable pre-purchased return ticket back home which she will leave with you for as long as you determine you need to keep it (or the equivalent in cash). This assumes that if all her plans fail, she will choose to use the ticket or cash to go back home rather than go live in the street to spite you.
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:42 AM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
See Don Pepino and 256 above. You are the older sister. You have the right to advise her on what she needs to do if you're going to be helping her with lodging. She needs a plan in place including at least $___ in spending money for the ___ weeks she will stay with you, and a plan to move somewhere else after that, AND a refundable pre-purchased return ticket back home which she will leave with you for as long as you determine you need to keep it (or the equivalent in cash). This assumes that if all her plans fail, she will choose to use the ticket or cash to go back home rather than go live in the street to spite you.
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:42 AM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
What is the cultural context here? What home country or region of countries are your sister and you from, and what are the expectations there around family hosting? What are the expectations of your extended family?
posted by corb at 8:49 AM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by corb at 8:49 AM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just to pile on: the way to go with this is to tell her she can stay for a specific time frame --- with dates, "from dd/mm/yy to dd/mm/yy, not one day more" --- plus tell her what she must pay for, like food. No wishy-washy "you can stay for a couple of weeks", because that'll just leave her in your apartment forever; no "I hope you can contribute" to the cost of her staying with you, because that'll result in no money whatsoever.
The key here is to TELL her what you expect from her, plus what you will permit her to take from you: don't ASK her what she wants or might-possibly-maybe be thinking she'll do later.
You have to lay down clear, unambiguous rules now, before she even gets on the plane: if you wait you're screwed.
posted by easily confused at 8:59 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
The key here is to TELL her what you expect from her, plus what you will permit her to take from you: don't ASK her what she wants or might-possibly-maybe be thinking she'll do later.
You have to lay down clear, unambiguous rules now, before she even gets on the plane: if you wait you're screwed.
posted by easily confused at 8:59 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
a couple ideas:
1) call her now, tell her you've thought about it and considered your new financial situation, and tell her if she's still planning on coming out there on $date, you'll let her stay for 1 week to give her time to find an apartment/room to rent. specify the end date from whatever her currently planned arrival date is. ask her how her savings plan is going - if she doesn't have enough money to rent an apartment for however long her job search timeline is, tell her you don't think she should move out there yet. maybe give an idea of what it cost when you rented a room with roommates, and what that would cost for ~3 months or so. hey, she *did* ask you for advice on her savings plan!
2) tell her she can no longer stay with you when she arrives with all her stuff, due to your new financial situation/significant other situation/tiny apartment situation/whatever situation you like. offer instead to let her stay for a couple day visit a month or so before she moves out for real, in order to look at apartments/sign on one for when she does move. (if you do this, do not let her convince you that your apartment is spacious enough for her to stay in if she doesn't sign on something!)
posted by ghostbikes at 9:07 AM on August 12, 2015
1) call her now, tell her you've thought about it and considered your new financial situation, and tell her if she's still planning on coming out there on $date, you'll let her stay for 1 week to give her time to find an apartment/room to rent. specify the end date from whatever her currently planned arrival date is. ask her how her savings plan is going - if she doesn't have enough money to rent an apartment for however long her job search timeline is, tell her you don't think she should move out there yet. maybe give an idea of what it cost when you rented a room with roommates, and what that would cost for ~3 months or so. hey, she *did* ask you for advice on her savings plan!
2) tell her she can no longer stay with you when she arrives with all her stuff, due to your new financial situation/significant other situation/tiny apartment situation/whatever situation you like. offer instead to let her stay for a couple day visit a month or so before she moves out for real, in order to look at apartments/sign on one for when she does move. (if you do this, do not let her convince you that your apartment is spacious enough for her to stay in if she doesn't sign on something!)
posted by ghostbikes at 9:07 AM on August 12, 2015
Don't have any more discussions via text. It's not the right medium for any potentially emotional discussion.
Check your lease. It may have its own limit. If not, you can still use it as an excuse. "We need to talk about what happens when you come here. It turns out I can't have a guest for more than two weeks. Yeah, I can't fudge it, sorry. What's your budget? What's your plan for if you don't have a job in two weeks? Maybe you should push the moving plan out a bit then to build up more savings, because it sounds like you don't have enough to be able to get a place without a job, and you won't be able to stay with me more than two weeks." Repeat.
You don't need to go into your feelings at all. Just the logistics.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:17 AM on August 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
Check your lease. It may have its own limit. If not, you can still use it as an excuse. "We need to talk about what happens when you come here. It turns out I can't have a guest for more than two weeks. Yeah, I can't fudge it, sorry. What's your budget? What's your plan for if you don't have a job in two weeks? Maybe you should push the moving plan out a bit then to build up more savings, because it sounds like you don't have enough to be able to get a place without a job, and you won't be able to stay with me more than two weeks." Repeat.
You don't need to go into your feelings at all. Just the logistics.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:17 AM on August 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
Under no circumstances would I have her just pitch up with all her earthly belongings in two suitcases and a hazy plan to have the stars randomly align just so.
Situations in which I’d OK a stay that remains firmly under two weeks (or whatever period is specified in your lease):
1. She just wants to come for a bona fide visit, sniff out the city, visit with friends, see if she truly wants to move here, see what the job/ renting situation is like. She has a return ticket / alternative arrangements after two weeks.
2. She has lined up a few job interviews over the span of two weeks. She has a return ticket/ alternative arrangements after two weeks.
3. She has lined up house viewings over the span of two weeks. She has a return ticket/ alternative arrangements after two weeks.
4. She has a job lined up, savings for a deposit and one month’ rent, and has made arrangements for her belongings (so she doesn’t swamp your living room with the content of a moving van). She is looking for a place to rent. She can stay in your living room for two weeks, after which she moves into her new place or with friends.
5. She has a place lined up, which becomes available at most two weeks after she comes to stay with you (or has alternative arrangements for the rest of the time before she can move into her new place).
How you can show that you care:
1. You can give her a hand finding rentals to check out and/ or job listings, if this would be helpful for her.
2. You can do some research and give her an idea of what kind of place she could rent, and how much she can expect to pay for deposit and 1 month rent (if she has a job lined up) or 3 month (if the idea is that she postpones job-hunting until she arrives).
3. You can do some research on basic cost of living in your city beyond renting.
4. You can make her stay as comfy and awesome as possible, provided she gracefully accepts the two weeks (or whatever) arrangements and respects the house rules you establish for her visit.
Why I think your worry will instantly decrease if she gracefully accepts the two weeks/ lease visitor allowance and your house rules whilst visiting: your fears are based on your experience living with her as children, on her somewhat entitled reaction when you still had a roommate, and on her seemingly unrealistic planning around this move. If she takes what you have to say on board, she is probably less likely to shove responsibility for her lack of planning onto you then she seems, less likely to be an entitled and stressful house guest, and less likely to nose around in your business than her childhood habits make you fear.
But, if she does not react like an adult to you communicating your boundaries before she arrives, I would rescind the invitation. It’ll be MUCH less stressful to tell her no by email than to chuck her out after she has colonized your space for three long months or whatever. I say this from experience (not with a sister, with a friend).
posted by miorita at 9:42 AM on August 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Situations in which I’d OK a stay that remains firmly under two weeks (or whatever period is specified in your lease):
1. She just wants to come for a bona fide visit, sniff out the city, visit with friends, see if she truly wants to move here, see what the job/ renting situation is like. She has a return ticket / alternative arrangements after two weeks.
2. She has lined up a few job interviews over the span of two weeks. She has a return ticket/ alternative arrangements after two weeks.
3. She has lined up house viewings over the span of two weeks. She has a return ticket/ alternative arrangements after two weeks.
4. She has a job lined up, savings for a deposit and one month’ rent, and has made arrangements for her belongings (so she doesn’t swamp your living room with the content of a moving van). She is looking for a place to rent. She can stay in your living room for two weeks, after which she moves into her new place or with friends.
5. She has a place lined up, which becomes available at most two weeks after she comes to stay with you (or has alternative arrangements for the rest of the time before she can move into her new place).
How you can show that you care:
1. You can give her a hand finding rentals to check out and/ or job listings, if this would be helpful for her.
2. You can do some research and give her an idea of what kind of place she could rent, and how much she can expect to pay for deposit and 1 month rent (if she has a job lined up) or 3 month (if the idea is that she postpones job-hunting until she arrives).
3. You can do some research on basic cost of living in your city beyond renting.
4. You can make her stay as comfy and awesome as possible, provided she gracefully accepts the two weeks (or whatever) arrangements and respects the house rules you establish for her visit.
Why I think your worry will instantly decrease if she gracefully accepts the two weeks/ lease visitor allowance and your house rules whilst visiting: your fears are based on your experience living with her as children, on her somewhat entitled reaction when you still had a roommate, and on her seemingly unrealistic planning around this move. If she takes what you have to say on board, she is probably less likely to shove responsibility for her lack of planning onto you then she seems, less likely to be an entitled and stressful house guest, and less likely to nose around in your business than her childhood habits make you fear.
But, if she does not react like an adult to you communicating your boundaries before she arrives, I would rescind the invitation. It’ll be MUCH less stressful to tell her no by email than to chuck her out after she has colonized your space for three long months or whatever. I say this from experience (not with a sister, with a friend).
posted by miorita at 9:42 AM on August 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Just wanted to add that it is so good that you are not waiting until your sister arrives to address this! It wouldn't be fair to your sister to allow her to show up at your place expecting to stay indefinitely, only to find out after she arrives that it's actually two weeks only.
You are actually being very kind to her by letting her know what to expect in advance. Definitely set up a precise period of time that's ok for her to stay--whether that's "2 weeks", "3 weeks", or "until the 15th." Communicate that to her in a durable form of writing, maybe email, as well as by phone or however you have a discussion with her about it. (You could send an email with a helpful link to your city's best roommate-finding site along with the deadline to make the message friendlier: "Hey sister, since you'll need to find a place for the 15th, just wanted to let you know that Craigslist/Kijiji/whatever is the best site for finding a roommate in your new city, here's a link!")
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:43 AM on August 12, 2015
You are actually being very kind to her by letting her know what to expect in advance. Definitely set up a precise period of time that's ok for her to stay--whether that's "2 weeks", "3 weeks", or "until the 15th." Communicate that to her in a durable form of writing, maybe email, as well as by phone or however you have a discussion with her about it. (You could send an email with a helpful link to your city's best roommate-finding site along with the deadline to make the message friendlier: "Hey sister, since you'll need to find a place for the 15th, just wanted to let you know that Craigslist/Kijiji/whatever is the best site for finding a roommate in your new city, here's a link!")
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:43 AM on August 12, 2015
I feel that your sister will hem and haw when your specified end date of occupancy approaches. I recommend that you have some actual, physical reason why she will not be able to use the living room after X date. Can you plan to have another friend show up on the date, bags in hand, for a (short) visit? That way she will have to at least temporarily dislodge herself, which will hopefully break any pent-up inertia and result in permanent vacancy.
Also, get a lock for your bedroom door.
posted by delight at 10:24 AM on August 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also, get a lock for your bedroom door.
posted by delight at 10:24 AM on August 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yes, absolutely, have a hard, non-negotiable reason why she has to leave. Not just "I need you out because I'm going to rip my hair out, then probably also rip your hair out" - a reason why it is literally impossible for her body to continue occupying the space it has been occupying. Even if you have to surreptitiously arrange a friend's visit/plumbers/painters/whatever.
It's very hard to evict an overstaying visitor once they've settled in, doubly so if they're family, no matter how stridently they've agreed to an end date to your hospitality. (I speak from experience! An acquaintance wanted to stay with us for "a week" while he finalized a place to stay. A month later, he finally moved out. Have a reason why this can't happen.)
posted by superfluousm at 10:37 AM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's very hard to evict an overstaying visitor once they've settled in, doubly so if they're family, no matter how stridently they've agreed to an end date to your hospitality. (I speak from experience! An acquaintance wanted to stay with us for "a week" while he finalized a place to stay. A month later, he finally moved out. Have a reason why this can't happen.)
posted by superfluousm at 10:37 AM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
She wants to play it by ear?
That sounds like a disaster in the making. How do you plan on getting her to leave once she's settled in? Are you going to call the police? Hire some thugs? Change the locks? Beg and plead? Ask politely and count on her actually leaving? Will you be able to put your foot down?
Is she the kind of person who will leave when asked?
Are YOU the kind of person who will kick her out when the time is up?
Seriously, this is just a very, very bad idea.
I wouldn't let her stay even one night. Once she gets through the door with all her stuff, good luck ever getting rid of her.
posted by M. at 10:45 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
That sounds like a disaster in the making. How do you plan on getting her to leave once she's settled in? Are you going to call the police? Hire some thugs? Change the locks? Beg and plead? Ask politely and count on her actually leaving? Will you be able to put your foot down?
Is she the kind of person who will leave when asked?
Are YOU the kind of person who will kick her out when the time is up?
Seriously, this is just a very, very bad idea.
I wouldn't let her stay even one night. Once she gets through the door with all her stuff, good luck ever getting rid of her.
posted by M. at 10:45 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Honestly, she's got friends in town that she'll be out with most of the time? Tell her to stay with them.
If you'd like, use your lease as an excuse - your apartment sounds like it is built for one, and many leases specifically restrict the number of occupants - you can even apologize about it "Sorry sis! I didn't think to look closely at the least, but I now see that I'm not allowed to have more than one person living here."
If you'd like to really decrease your guilt, you can offer to let her receive mail and put your address on her resume, and tell her that you'd like to help and stay engaged during her transition to NEWCITY, so you'd love to decrease her food expenses by taking her out for a cheap meal once a week for the first two months she's in NEWCITY. After that, you can go dutch!
posted by arnicae at 2:17 PM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you'd like, use your lease as an excuse - your apartment sounds like it is built for one, and many leases specifically restrict the number of occupants - you can even apologize about it "Sorry sis! I didn't think to look closely at the least, but I now see that I'm not allowed to have more than one person living here."
If you'd like to really decrease your guilt, you can offer to let her receive mail and put your address on her resume, and tell her that you'd like to help and stay engaged during her transition to NEWCITY, so you'd love to decrease her food expenses by taking her out for a cheap meal once a week for the first two months she's in NEWCITY. After that, you can go dutch!
posted by arnicae at 2:17 PM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
As someone said upthread, what's the cultural context here? Are you expected to help out, no matter what, because she is family? Is that where the guilt comes from?
As an Asian, I can speak to both sides of this situation - immigrants from that part of the world are sometimes solely dependent on family to help them out in their destination country, and those families more often than not do the utmost to help in whatever way they can. Obviously, there is no obligation, and perhaps not all the help is 100% altruistic... but, it happens.
When you moved, did you do it on your own? Did you have help? If you had help, is it undeniable that without out, you wouldn't have been able to build your life to the point it is at right now?
I'm not going to offer an opinion one way or another, but I urge you to think about how you managed to make this move work. Of course, circumstances could be different, and the flip side could be that you had no help and worked everything out on your own. Don't let yourself get taken advantage of, but at the same time, show compassion where it is deserved. There is a world of good karma to be built here.
posted by Everydayville at 3:05 PM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
As an Asian, I can speak to both sides of this situation - immigrants from that part of the world are sometimes solely dependent on family to help them out in their destination country, and those families more often than not do the utmost to help in whatever way they can. Obviously, there is no obligation, and perhaps not all the help is 100% altruistic... but, it happens.
When you moved, did you do it on your own? Did you have help? If you had help, is it undeniable that without out, you wouldn't have been able to build your life to the point it is at right now?
I'm not going to offer an opinion one way or another, but I urge you to think about how you managed to make this move work. Of course, circumstances could be different, and the flip side could be that you had no help and worked everything out on your own. Don't let yourself get taken advantage of, but at the same time, show compassion where it is deserved. There is a world of good karma to be built here.
posted by Everydayville at 3:05 PM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I second Don Pepino. Do not let her in the house because she WILL be a permanent freeloading houseguest that will be very difficult to evict if she moves in.
"What are you going to do if it turns out she can't find a job? Kick her out and leave her homeless? "
YES. If you can't or don't want to float her along indefinitely, then don't start doing it. "End dates" mean nothing when she's in your house begging that she'll be homeless if you kick her out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:54 PM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
"What are you going to do if it turns out she can't find a job? Kick her out and leave her homeless? "
YES. If you can't or don't want to float her along indefinitely, then don't start doing it. "End dates" mean nothing when she's in your house begging that she'll be homeless if you kick her out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:54 PM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you have every reason and right to feel that she will be taking liberties with the use of your resources and home whilst staying with you, and to be worried. However, I'm going to point out that your phrasing here was incredibly vague:
"So by text message yesterday I said I was looking forward to her coming but also had mixed feelings, as I was afraid she would expect things and I’d have to push back and she would be upset. I said my space was very important to me at the moment and I was afraid she wouldn’t understand. I was trying to own my feelings as much as possible, and not make assumptions about what she was thinking, given we hadn’t discussed it since the earlier conversation and I was only speculating."
Basically you said, " I THINK you're going to be like this, and I am afraid I won't like it."
She had every right to reply with "well I'll assuage your fears by telling you I WON'T be like this (staying with others and being out lots), so you shouldn't be afraid."
You need to
1. Not assume what she's going to be like - it's the surest way for people to get defensive
2. give her clear expectations for what she can/can't be like
I understand that you're worried but simultaneously want to be supportive to her. In this scenario, you need to work out what an acceptable range of responses would be from her, THEN draft your message to suit that. Instead, you've left the door wide open. Several answers above have given you great boundary asserting statements - use those!
posted by shazzam! at 6:17 PM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
"So by text message yesterday I said I was looking forward to her coming but also had mixed feelings, as I was afraid she would expect things and I’d have to push back and she would be upset. I said my space was very important to me at the moment and I was afraid she wouldn’t understand. I was trying to own my feelings as much as possible, and not make assumptions about what she was thinking, given we hadn’t discussed it since the earlier conversation and I was only speculating."
Basically you said, " I THINK you're going to be like this, and I am afraid I won't like it."
She had every right to reply with "well I'll assuage your fears by telling you I WON'T be like this (staying with others and being out lots), so you shouldn't be afraid."
You need to
1. Not assume what she's going to be like - it's the surest way for people to get defensive
2. give her clear expectations for what she can/can't be like
I understand that you're worried but simultaneously want to be supportive to her. In this scenario, you need to work out what an acceptable range of responses would be from her, THEN draft your message to suit that. Instead, you've left the door wide open. Several answers above have given you great boundary asserting statements - use those!
posted by shazzam! at 6:17 PM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also - your rental agreement likely has limits on guests and number of days they can stay. Feel free to fudge these numbers in your favor, or even state that your new place doesn't allow you overnight guests; she's not behaving acceptably.
posted by stormyteal at 8:26 PM on August 12, 2015
posted by stormyteal at 8:26 PM on August 12, 2015
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful input. I realise that I’ve been struggling to set a boundary because I didn’t feel ok with doing so. Telling my sister she could only stay with me for 2 weeks felt cold, when theoretically I could offer longer, and I was worrying about damaging the relationship and the judgement of family/friends. Also I do genuinely want to help her, if it doesn’t mean being taken advantage of. When she has come to visit me I’ve loved hosting her and enjoyed showing her a great time. It’s a shame that the feelings of being taken for granted are getting in the way of doing that again.posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 6:32 AM on August 13, 2015
I had no help when I moved over; I got a job before coming and they paid to relocate me, putting me up an apartment for a few weeks which allowed me time to find a flat. But I have stayed on friends’ sofas for 6 weeks once after an unexpected break-up when I was living with my boyfriend, and I was really grateful for the help. The difference is I had no other option – I was diligently looking for flats the whole time and moved as soon as I found somewhere to live. And I didn’t take it for granted – frequently checking it was ok, making sure not to stay too long with each friend, cooking meals and contributing to bills.
Culturally, we’re from New Zealand, so there’s a bit of a standard of young people crashing on sofas when abroad, which I imagine is leading her to feel like it’s no big deal. This exact standard feels fuzzy because it varies from family to family. My familial context is heavy on the guilt and obligations, low on the support. Whilst my parents aren’t very giving I’m fairly sure they’d think I was being selfish, although I’m in limited contact with them at the moment (another strain of having her in my place, reporting back to them). It’s common in mefi-land to set boundaries, but amongst my extended family, I’d say a lot would think this was mean; most would probably do this and then complain about it.
So with all that in mind, I felt conflicted about withholding help that I could give and muddled about what was fair here. But then I realised that she wasn’t thinking about my needs nearly as much as I was hers, and I have to be true to myself and trust my instincts.
I emailed yesterday and told her that I could offer 2 weeks (in line with what I had previously said), giving dates, and reiterating the offer of help in finding temporary work and generally helping her to get on her feet. Said I was looking forward to seeing her (which felt true when I could see us spending time together without the sense of dread). I’m also going on holiday mid-September and said she could use my place then if she hadn’t found a place yet.
She came back saying ‘ok thanks’, then shortly after cancelled the dinner we were going to the night she arrived, saying she was going to her friend’s place instead. Whilst she said it lightly, it felt like a passive aggressive move. Especially as she still wanted me to come home from work in the day to let her in from the airport. A few hours later she said that actually she would stay with that friend instead, but still wanted to use my place whilst I’m on holiday. She suggested meeting for lunch the next day, which initially I thought was to talk things through, but then I read the rest of the message and she asked me to bring a letter she’d had sent to my place, so that she could open her bank account. All three actions felt like my usefulness to her was more important than the relationship. I haven’t replied yet.
It was the right thing to do and in the long-term will be better for our relationship and for me. I know it’s most important to do look after myself. But I’m worried about the fall-out. It’s hard because her language is polite and I feel like it’s easy for me to look like the bad guy. I still feel confused and am wavering on whether I’m being harsh and unkind to her, and have handled it really badly. I feel pretty upset.
If anyone has further advice/support for how to deal with it from here, I’d appreciate it.
The difference is I had no other option – I was diligently looking for flats the whole time and moved as soon as I found somewhere to live. And I didn’t take it for granted – frequently checking it was ok, making sure not to stay too long with each friend, cooking meals and contributing to bills.
This is important for any houseguest, and I think it is notable that your sister's response to all of your questions are so vague. I mean, look at how she answered your initial concerns:
Her response was that she could stay with another friend “for a week here or there”, and “not to worry”, she wouldn’t be home all the time because she’d also be out with friends, etc. I responded that it seemed like she had expectations about how long she could stay, and I wanted her to check with me what was ok, not to assume. Her reply was “nothing can be decided now” as she would have to see how her job hunt was going, so we could “play it by ear”.
She's describing a life of being an indefinite couch-hopping nomad ("for a week here or there"? How many weeks? Does she think a week away from your place means she gets to extend her time with you by restarting the clock on her return?), she seems to be prioritizing her social life over your schedule or your expectations (and "I won't be in your space, I'll be out with friends" does not actually make things easier on a host, incidentally"), and she seems to be thinking that her job hunt can only start when she's in the country (which is absurd, as your own job-hunting from abroad experience proves).
It would be one thing if she answered your original questions with a list of interviews she has already set up, or if she was asking for two weeks with a little wiggle room built in just in case she needed to save up a bit to put down a deposit on her own future place. But she seems to be treating this more like a vacation than a prelude to getting a job and a place to live.
Also, maybe I'm misreading, but it seems like she's doing a weird silo-ing of you and her friends. Why is she going to be out with all these mysterious friends while you sit at home by yourself? Why are you expected to take time off work to help her with administrative details? I find her approach very confusing, to be honest.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:22 AM on August 13, 2015
This is important for any houseguest, and I think it is notable that your sister's response to all of your questions are so vague. I mean, look at how she answered your initial concerns:
Her response was that she could stay with another friend “for a week here or there”, and “not to worry”, she wouldn’t be home all the time because she’d also be out with friends, etc. I responded that it seemed like she had expectations about how long she could stay, and I wanted her to check with me what was ok, not to assume. Her reply was “nothing can be decided now” as she would have to see how her job hunt was going, so we could “play it by ear”.
She's describing a life of being an indefinite couch-hopping nomad ("for a week here or there"? How many weeks? Does she think a week away from your place means she gets to extend her time with you by restarting the clock on her return?), she seems to be prioritizing her social life over your schedule or your expectations (and "I won't be in your space, I'll be out with friends" does not actually make things easier on a host, incidentally"), and she seems to be thinking that her job hunt can only start when she's in the country (which is absurd, as your own job-hunting from abroad experience proves).
It would be one thing if she answered your original questions with a list of interviews she has already set up, or if she was asking for two weeks with a little wiggle room built in just in case she needed to save up a bit to put down a deposit on her own future place. But she seems to be treating this more like a vacation than a prelude to getting a job and a place to live.
Also, maybe I'm misreading, but it seems like she's doing a weird silo-ing of you and her friends. Why is she going to be out with all these mysterious friends while you sit at home by yourself? Why are you expected to take time off work to help her with administrative details? I find her approach very confusing, to be honest.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:22 AM on August 13, 2015
Mod note: Update from the OP:
One point to clarify, my sister has been putting in a lot of effort in her job hunt. She has already lined up meetings with recruiters and sent out her CV to loads of places. In this regard I'd say she's been doing pretty much everything possible, short of getting a job in advance (which would be quite difficult outside of a limited number of industries, most will want to interview in person).posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:52 AM on August 13, 2015
I've been on both sides of this situation. I've been the houseguest who seemed unlikely ever to leave and I've been the host of houseguests who became roommate entities that seemed inclined to never ever leave. Each time this happened my friend and I didn't talk for a good while after we finally got extricated from one another. But now that I think of it, we got through it and I'm still bosom friends with my host and with the friends I hosted, years and years later. If she's like I was when I was the terrified houseguest in the new city stuck like a barnacle to my poor friend's living room floor, your sister will be selfish and unreasonable for a while. Otherwise reasonable people in the middle of a big change might not be their very best selves. One of the friends I hosted once asked me to co-sign a loan and I wouldn't do it because co-signing is always forbiddingly risky and given who this friend is, in this instance it would have been absolutely insane. On some level my unreasonable-almost-always friend knew that I couldn't possibly co-sign, just as your unreasonable-right-now sister probably knows that moving in with you is not the best plan. My friend who regularly asks me whether I wouldn't mind giving her the moon as been my friend since forever, since the middle 1990s, through every "Can I have" and every "Hell no, you can't have!" We're still friends, we'll always be friends. And my friend from whom I asked the moon will be my friend forever, too. Once she gets settled and safe, you sister will likely be able to see your position more clearly and stop blaming you for not swooping in and saving her every inconvenience. You're being a good sister; I'm betting she'll see that soon.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:17 AM on August 13, 2015
posted by Don Pepino at 9:17 AM on August 13, 2015
A few hours later she said that actually she would stay with that friend instead, but still wanted to use my place whilst I’m on holiday.
This is good - she got the message that you weren't thrilled with her plans and she made other arrangement, freeing you up from some of the pressure. She may be a little miffed - she's entitled feeling a little annoyed that you wouldn't just welcome her with open arms (remember, we call it setting boundaries, but she may feel it as pushing her away. that's ok, she's allowed to have her feelings.
Go to the lunch and be warm and happy and curious about how things are going. Be the way that you would like to be with her when you are both living in the same city (but not together).
posted by metahawk at 10:04 AM on August 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is good - she got the message that you weren't thrilled with her plans and she made other arrangement, freeing you up from some of the pressure. She may be a little miffed - she's entitled feeling a little annoyed that you wouldn't just welcome her with open arms (remember, we call it setting boundaries, but she may feel it as pushing her away. that's ok, she's allowed to have her feelings.
Go to the lunch and be warm and happy and curious about how things are going. Be the way that you would like to be with her when you are both living in the same city (but not together).
posted by metahawk at 10:04 AM on August 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think you need to practice taking the things she says at face value. Even if and especially if she is passive aggressive. It's the healthiest way of dealing with "fine!"
If you keep guessing at her intent and trying to read between the lines you will drive yourself bonkers long before she does!
So, fine, she has accepted your terms. She made other arrangements. This is good, this is what you wanted. However, You don't get to decide how she feels about it, if she's miffed, it's none of your business until she wants to talk about it.
Going forward, be pleasant and welcoming. Act like everything is fine - she has said it is.
I understand how difficult it is for you. It is difficult. It comes with a cost, no denying. But you are doing a good thing: you are sticking up for yourself and treating yourself well.
If your family interferes, tell them this is between sis and you and you have your reasons but won't discuss them with them.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:05 AM on August 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
If you keep guessing at her intent and trying to read between the lines you will drive yourself bonkers long before she does!
So, fine, she has accepted your terms. She made other arrangements. This is good, this is what you wanted. However, You don't get to decide how she feels about it, if she's miffed, it's none of your business until she wants to talk about it.
Going forward, be pleasant and welcoming. Act like everything is fine - she has said it is.
I understand how difficult it is for you. It is difficult. It comes with a cost, no denying. But you are doing a good thing: you are sticking up for yourself and treating yourself well.
If your family interferes, tell them this is between sis and you and you have your reasons but won't discuss them with them.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:05 AM on August 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Your update generally sounds good, with one exception..... and that's leaving her in your place while you're gone on vacation: I can see way too many ways a boundary-ignoring known-snoop would be hellish to leave loose in my home! Everything from her making her own copies of your keys without you knowing to your personal property being fingered (and yeah, one of my siblings was a snoop as a kid, and no she never grew out of it) to items (jewelry, clothes, who knows what) simply "disappearing". Or what the heck: the stereotypical wild party where she invites in friends you don't know --- and why would she care if your stuff or your home is damaged?!?
It'd be bad enough to have her there while you are also there; it'd be worse to have her there without you there to keep an eye on things.
One last thing: if the folks back home think you're being mean or something? Then they can support her, they can find her a job and pay for an apartment for her and give her spending money. Nobody gets to tell another adult what they should do with their money and home.
posted by easily confused at 1:03 PM on August 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
It'd be bad enough to have her there while you are also there; it'd be worse to have her there without you there to keep an eye on things.
One last thing: if the folks back home think you're being mean or something? Then they can support her, they can find her a job and pay for an apartment for her and give her spending money. Nobody gets to tell another adult what they should do with their money and home.
posted by easily confused at 1:03 PM on August 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe your sis is so determined to find a job because she needs to prove you wrong. Just saying, sounds you like did her a favor by not coddling her.
posted by charlielxxv at 8:21 PM on August 14, 2015
posted by charlielxxv at 8:21 PM on August 14, 2015
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posted by Don Pepino at 6:27 AM on August 12, 2015 [19 favorites]