Relationships with recovering alcoholics/addicts
August 11, 2015 5:46 AM Subscribe
What typically happens when you're in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic/addict, and what are some ways of mitigating distastrous consequences for both parties?
I was in a relationship with a cis man for 19 months. (I am a cis woman.) During the last few months of this time, his mental health took a real dive -- he suffers from anxiety and probably depression as well. He started turning more and more to alcohol, pot, and pills, culminating in a weekend where I'd had minor surgery, and I discovered he'd taken some of my pain meds. We broke up, he lost his job, he moved back in with his parents, and he's now under medical supervision, seeing a therapist, and in recovery. I'm proud of the work he's doing.
It's been about 2.5 months since our breakup. My question is: what would it take, on both of our parts, to make this relationship work? Let's assume we're both open to the idea and willing to put in the effort, but we both have reservations -- mine are obvious (addiction, trust), and his is that I broke up with him when he most needed help. I don't think these are insurmountable if we decide to give it another shot, but I want to know what we both should be considering, thinking about, watching out for, etc, and if there are any mechanisms we can put in place to make things easier and more stable in any way. If your advice is HELL NO, that's fine too.
If you'd like to reach out privately, you can email me at askmeanon50@gmail.com.
I was in a relationship with a cis man for 19 months. (I am a cis woman.) During the last few months of this time, his mental health took a real dive -- he suffers from anxiety and probably depression as well. He started turning more and more to alcohol, pot, and pills, culminating in a weekend where I'd had minor surgery, and I discovered he'd taken some of my pain meds. We broke up, he lost his job, he moved back in with his parents, and he's now under medical supervision, seeing a therapist, and in recovery. I'm proud of the work he's doing.
It's been about 2.5 months since our breakup. My question is: what would it take, on both of our parts, to make this relationship work? Let's assume we're both open to the idea and willing to put in the effort, but we both have reservations -- mine are obvious (addiction, trust), and his is that I broke up with him when he most needed help. I don't think these are insurmountable if we decide to give it another shot, but I want to know what we both should be considering, thinking about, watching out for, etc, and if there are any mechanisms we can put in place to make things easier and more stable in any way. If your advice is HELL NO, that's fine too.
If you'd like to reach out privately, you can email me at askmeanon50@gmail.com.
I suggest you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Certainly if you're thinking of getting back together with him, and maybe even if you aren't.
I'm married to a recovering addict who has been clean for nine years. At this point, it is a non-issue in our lives. That first year, though - I'm not going to lie, it's rough. It's harder even than dealing with active using. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's struggling to figure out how to live life and deal with his emotions in an adult, sober way. You're both working on figuring out how to have a trusting, grown-up relationship after constant turmoil and codependency. It's hard. And I had already known and been with my husband for a decade at that point. If I were in your shoes, I probably would not go back into a full-fledged relationship until he had a year of sobriety under his belt. Be there for him as a friend but keep your emotional distance - that's not just to protect yourself, but to also give him a chance to figure out his own stuff without having to navigate a relationship at the same time.
You did the right thing by leaving him, and frankly, until he recognizes that I would not go back to him at all. An addict in true recovery shouldn't hold that against you. You did what you had to do to protect yourself from his using, and even he needs to be able to see that.
posted by something something at 6:22 AM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm married to a recovering addict who has been clean for nine years. At this point, it is a non-issue in our lives. That first year, though - I'm not going to lie, it's rough. It's harder even than dealing with active using. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's struggling to figure out how to live life and deal with his emotions in an adult, sober way. You're both working on figuring out how to have a trusting, grown-up relationship after constant turmoil and codependency. It's hard. And I had already known and been with my husband for a decade at that point. If I were in your shoes, I probably would not go back into a full-fledged relationship until he had a year of sobriety under his belt. Be there for him as a friend but keep your emotional distance - that's not just to protect yourself, but to also give him a chance to figure out his own stuff without having to navigate a relationship at the same time.
You did the right thing by leaving him, and frankly, until he recognizes that I would not go back to him at all. An addict in true recovery shouldn't hold that against you. You did what you had to do to protect yourself from his using, and even he needs to be able to see that.
posted by something something at 6:22 AM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Conventional wisdom is stay single until you can maintain sobriety for a year, because you need to focus every molecule of your energy on yourself, your recovery, changing your habits, mending relationships that need mending and ending the ones that need ending, finding and settling into a life routine that supports your sobriety.
Substances didn't jump out of an alley and make him use. In order to live a sober life, he has to completely rebuild his personality, remake himself into a person who doesn't need to use.
It's incredibly hard to change when you're with someone, especially when the whole critical point is to become a person with a hand on their own rudder. Obviously, some people get sober while in a relationship, or in a marriage, or in a marriage with children. The statistics on those relationships lasting (along with sobriety) are not great.
You need to decide if you think you need a relationship more than he needs to do that work solely focused on himself. And he...hasn't even reached the point where he understands you are a person with agency who had to make an appropriate decision for your life, which suggests he's not really sober yet. Dry maybe, but not sober.
That you think that's an appealing prospect is really worrisome. I think the AlAnon suggestion is a good one, or maybe private therapy for yourself if you are able to obtain it.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:33 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Substances didn't jump out of an alley and make him use. In order to live a sober life, he has to completely rebuild his personality, remake himself into a person who doesn't need to use.
It's incredibly hard to change when you're with someone, especially when the whole critical point is to become a person with a hand on their own rudder. Obviously, some people get sober while in a relationship, or in a marriage, or in a marriage with children. The statistics on those relationships lasting (along with sobriety) are not great.
You need to decide if you think you need a relationship more than he needs to do that work solely focused on himself. And he...hasn't even reached the point where he understands you are a person with agency who had to make an appropriate decision for your life, which suggests he's not really sober yet. Dry maybe, but not sober.
That you think that's an appealing prospect is really worrisome. I think the AlAnon suggestion is a good one, or maybe private therapy for yourself if you are able to obtain it.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:33 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
2.5 months? He needs to not be in a relationship and sober for at least a year. The reasons behind this are evidenced in large part by the fact that he's having "trust issues" about the fact you bailed on him when he stole from you to abuse narcotics. He would appear to have quite a lot of self-inventory and amends work to do.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:00 AM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 7:00 AM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
OP here. To head off the "therapy" answers, rest assured that I am in therapy already with a therapist/pdoc I've been seeing for 5 years. I'm not taking this lightly, nor am I making a decision to restart a relationship with this man right now -- merely looking for answers as to what it would take. Carry on!posted by cortex (staff) at 7:02 AM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I wanted to re-start a relationship with someone in recovery, my criteria would be:
* At least 12 months sober
* AA/NA for them
* Al-Anon/Narc-Anon for me
* Ongoing evidence of my ex taking responsibility for his action, past and present
* Ongoing evidence of my ex making amends for his action, past and present
* Absolute disclosure of any relapses
* An agreed plan for relapses
posted by DarlingBri at 7:13 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
* At least 12 months sober
* AA/NA for them
* Al-Anon/Narc-Anon for me
* Ongoing evidence of my ex taking responsibility for his action, past and present
* Ongoing evidence of my ex making amends for his action, past and present
* Absolute disclosure of any relapses
* An agreed plan for relapses
posted by DarlingBri at 7:13 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Addicts are told to change their "people, places, things" to avoid triggering a relapse. Given that he dated you while he was addicted, it's probably not a good idea for him to start dating you again because of the associations built in his brain between being around you and drinking, pot smoking, and pill taking.
So I'm on team "HELL, NO" -- sorry.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:14 AM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
So I'm on team "HELL, NO" -- sorry.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:14 AM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
You broke up with him when you most needed to protect yourself from his appalling behaviour.
Him not getting that, and not just not getting that but flipping it around and making it some sort of thing you did wrong, would put this squarely on planet Hell No for me.
posted by kmennie at 7:23 AM on August 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
Him not getting that, and not just not getting that but flipping it around and making it some sort of thing you did wrong, would put this squarely on planet Hell No for me.
posted by kmennie at 7:23 AM on August 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
Yes to the criteria listed by DarlingBri, except that I think she conflated Narconon (which is a Scientology-based group that I think everyone should avoid) and Nar-Anon (which is a support group for people in relationships with narcotic addicts), so just be aware that they're not the same thing.
I very much agree with everyone about his needing at least a year of sobriety. If someone's abusing substances as their main means of coping with stressors, then when they stop using those substances, they have to build or rebuild a whole set of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and big emotions. What can happen, especially in male addict/female partner relationships, is that the addict offloads that work onto his partner, and puts the partner in charge of "not upsetting him" or identifying his emotions for him and pre-emptively making it easier for him to cope or getting blamed for any normal emotional ups and downs inherent in the recovery process. Which makes you a therapist/counselor/sponsor rather than a partner, which isn't fair to you, and which short-circuits the recovering partner's recovery because he's got an outside person to blame when things aren't going well, rather than taking responsibility for himself. Even if he wasn't abusing substances for very long, it still takes a long time for anyone to identify, learn, practice, and regularly use healthier coping mechanisms in both everyday life and highly stressful situations.
That unhealthy dynamic doesn't always need to happen, if both partners have very good boundaries and self-awareness, but given that he's currently blaming you for leaving him, rather than apologizing for his actions and thanking you for setting boundaries, it would leave me to worry that the dynamic, at least right now and probably for a good while longer, is not conducive to healthy recovery for either of you.
posted by jaguar at 7:29 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I very much agree with everyone about his needing at least a year of sobriety. If someone's abusing substances as their main means of coping with stressors, then when they stop using those substances, they have to build or rebuild a whole set of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and big emotions. What can happen, especially in male addict/female partner relationships, is that the addict offloads that work onto his partner, and puts the partner in charge of "not upsetting him" or identifying his emotions for him and pre-emptively making it easier for him to cope or getting blamed for any normal emotional ups and downs inherent in the recovery process. Which makes you a therapist/counselor/sponsor rather than a partner, which isn't fair to you, and which short-circuits the recovering partner's recovery because he's got an outside person to blame when things aren't going well, rather than taking responsibility for himself. Even if he wasn't abusing substances for very long, it still takes a long time for anyone to identify, learn, practice, and regularly use healthier coping mechanisms in both everyday life and highly stressful situations.
That unhealthy dynamic doesn't always need to happen, if both partners have very good boundaries and self-awareness, but given that he's currently blaming you for leaving him, rather than apologizing for his actions and thanking you for setting boundaries, it would leave me to worry that the dynamic, at least right now and probably for a good while longer, is not conducive to healthy recovery for either of you.
posted by jaguar at 7:29 AM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
And it's not just "Recovering person was using substances for X amount of time, so they need to redo X amount of time's worth of unhealthy coping mechanisms." It's usually "Recovering person was using very unhealthy coping mechanisms for years and years and years, quite possibly since childhood, culminating in a complete inability to cope and an escape into substance-abuse, and recovery is going to require unpacking, examining, and reconfiguring an entire lifetime of unhealthy coping mechanisms, learning healthier methods, and then practicing, day in and day out, those new methods until they are even more ingrained than the ones he'd been relying on since childhood." That's just not a three-month process.
posted by jaguar at 7:34 AM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 7:34 AM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
his is that I broke up with him when he most needed help.
To people who have had close relationships with addicts, this is a "not ready yet" indicator where he's blaming you for a situation that was not only his own making but began with him very seriously violating your trust. Coming back with "Oh yeah but you hurt my feelings after I violated your trust and stole your pills!" is weak sauce. And that's fine for now, that sometimes happens, but he needs to not have this be a negotiable and on the table thing that you need to make amends to him for, period. He needs to be able to accept blame and responsibility for what he did and until then he's not ready to be in a relationship while he's in recovery.
To repeat: this is a classic thing that addicts do and the fact that he's doing it is unsurprising. He needs to spend more time in recovery working on his own shit before you should even start talking about getting back together. This whole "blame everyone but yourself" thing is a common tactic with addicts and you should want no part of it.
posted by jessamyn at 8:05 AM on August 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
To people who have had close relationships with addicts, this is a "not ready yet" indicator where he's blaming you for a situation that was not only his own making but began with him very seriously violating your trust. Coming back with "Oh yeah but you hurt my feelings after I violated your trust and stole your pills!" is weak sauce. And that's fine for now, that sometimes happens, but he needs to not have this be a negotiable and on the table thing that you need to make amends to him for, period. He needs to be able to accept blame and responsibility for what he did and until then he's not ready to be in a relationship while he's in recovery.
To repeat: this is a classic thing that addicts do and the fact that he's doing it is unsurprising. He needs to spend more time in recovery working on his own shit before you should even start talking about getting back together. This whole "blame everyone but yourself" thing is a common tactic with addicts and you should want no part of it.
posted by jessamyn at 8:05 AM on August 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
his is that I broke up with him when he most needed help.
That's 100% his problem not yours. It makes Zero sense.
"I was really {Feelings} after I {hurt you} and you didn't support me and my {Feelings} and let me therefore keep {hurting you}"
Imagine the {hurt you} is anything you want, stealing/drugs/cheating/violence it doesn't matter, still makes no sense. In my opinion you 100% did the right thing, all apologies and making a mends and behavior improvement is his job not yours. Not even a little.
posted by French Fry at 8:28 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
That's 100% his problem not yours. It makes Zero sense.
"I was really {Feelings} after I {hurt you} and you didn't support me and my {Feelings} and let me therefore keep {hurting you}"
Imagine the {hurt you} is anything you want, stealing/drugs/cheating/violence it doesn't matter, still makes no sense. In my opinion you 100% did the right thing, all apologies and making a mends and behavior improvement is his job not yours. Not even a little.
posted by French Fry at 8:28 AM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Recovering alcoholic/addict here. Your circumstances notwithstanding, the most important thing to an alcoholic/addict, sorry to say, is alcohol and drugs. It's just the way it is. Even those closest to the addict will come in second to drinking and using. Every time. Until/unless the person has the desire and willingness to get sober.
If he wants to straighten his life out, he will. If not, he won't. Whether you encourage him to do so or not. And really, even though many people find this hard to believe, including the alcoholic/addict, the fundamental problem isn't alcohol or drugs. It centers in the thinking of the individual. Because you can take away the substances and still have someone who can't function emotionally. I know because I've been there.
I would strongly advise letting him go in this situation. He will either get sober or not and get well emotionally or not. You can't control that. He's not emotionally available to you right now and may never be. That could change in the future, but why not live for the moment with healthy folks right now. Best to you.
posted by strelitzia at 9:05 AM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
If he wants to straighten his life out, he will. If not, he won't. Whether you encourage him to do so or not. And really, even though many people find this hard to believe, including the alcoholic/addict, the fundamental problem isn't alcohol or drugs. It centers in the thinking of the individual. Because you can take away the substances and still have someone who can't function emotionally. I know because I've been there.
I would strongly advise letting him go in this situation. He will either get sober or not and get well emotionally or not. You can't control that. He's not emotionally available to you right now and may never be. That could change in the future, but why not live for the moment with healthy folks right now. Best to you.
posted by strelitzia at 9:05 AM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm going to say what I always say in these situations: you should figure out what your boundaries are, actual quantifiable boundaries, and be prepared to follow through with consequences if he violates them.
My situation is very much like something something. If we hadn't already been married with a kid there is no way we would still be together because the aftermath was just too fucking hard to go through. Recovery was harder than when he was deep into it. The lies, the mistrust, the relapses, the accusations, and the knowledge that even though today was pretty good, tomorrow he could go right back out again. Seven years later I still know that. I don't think he will but he could, and if he did, I can honestly say that I would not be surprised because you learn never to be surprised. Horrified maybe. Surprised, no. Is that something you could learn to live with?
We broke up, he lost his job, he moved back in with his parents, and he's now under medical supervision, seeing a therapist, and in recovery. I'm proud of the work he's doing. It's been about 2.5 months since our breakup.
That is a lot of shit to go through in 2.5 months. If he's serious about being in recovery, I don't think getting back together with you should even be on the table for him. The fact that it is makes me think maybe he's not so serious about either you or recovery.
If I were you I would carry on with my life without him. Not saying don't ever speak to him but take that option off the table. Revisit it in, say, a year. Get some perspective and some clarity.
posted by lyssabee at 4:42 PM on August 11, 2015
My situation is very much like something something. If we hadn't already been married with a kid there is no way we would still be together because the aftermath was just too fucking hard to go through. Recovery was harder than when he was deep into it. The lies, the mistrust, the relapses, the accusations, and the knowledge that even though today was pretty good, tomorrow he could go right back out again. Seven years later I still know that. I don't think he will but he could, and if he did, I can honestly say that I would not be surprised because you learn never to be surprised. Horrified maybe. Surprised, no. Is that something you could learn to live with?
We broke up, he lost his job, he moved back in with his parents, and he's now under medical supervision, seeing a therapist, and in recovery. I'm proud of the work he's doing. It's been about 2.5 months since our breakup.
That is a lot of shit to go through in 2.5 months. If he's serious about being in recovery, I don't think getting back together with you should even be on the table for him. The fact that it is makes me think maybe he's not so serious about either you or recovery.
If I were you I would carry on with my life without him. Not saying don't ever speak to him but take that option off the table. Revisit it in, say, a year. Get some perspective and some clarity.
posted by lyssabee at 4:42 PM on August 11, 2015
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If his issue is with you is that you broke up with him when he most needed help, he's going to need to come around to a new way of thinking - which can take some time in recovery - about who owes him "help" (hint: no one) and how he can get better (hint: by accepting the consequences of his actions without a "but" and by working a good program).
posted by juniperesque at 6:09 AM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]