Yes, I don't want to date the son of the boss.

August 10, 2015 2:49 AM

My aunt's boss has fixed me up with his son. I have confirmed zero interest whatsoever in this fellow. What is the classiest possible way to communicate this?

If it were just me looking out for me, I would extend an polite "lovely to meet you, but I'm not interested". Easy.

But this boss is an important (very) political career connection for my aunt so I want take the standard "sorry, but no" to the next level.

What is the classiest, swiftest phrase I can use to end this whilst (hopefully) making my aunt look good in the process?

We have emailed a few times and now he wants to start skyping or chatting. I don't want to pursue it any further. For sure.

Whether or not I choose to pursue the setup obviously won't make or break my aunt's career. Nonetheless she is working unbelievable hard to gain a foothold in one of those hyperpolitical fields where connections matter a lot. This setup seems very, very important to her. So, yes, I absolutely know this shouldn't matter, but want to handle it expertly, delicately, and so my aunt comes off without a flaw.

Note: it's not my aunt with whom I'm worried about communicating.
It's the bosses' son. Ergo, the boss.

Thanks!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Tell your aunt you've decided not to go on the date and ask her how she would like you to handle this. (I assume she's not a jerk about it and won't try to guilt trip you into doing it regardless.)
posted by Jubey at 4:01 AM on August 10, 2015 [7 favorites]

Is there a way to ascertain whether the son is interested in you without going through with this, through, like, a preliminary phone call or something?

I admit that I'm getting this idea thanks to a trope from wacky sitcoms, but I have the weird hunch that Boss is the one behind this, and Boss's Son isn't all that crazy about the idea either. If you both had some kind of brief phone chat where it became clear that either a) it wouldn't be a good idea to go through with it or b) Boss's Son is being shanghaied into this himself as well, it would give both you and the Son an out, and then the Son could reinforce the "no, it's not gonna work" to Boss without making it look like it's all your doing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:43 AM on August 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

"This is so embarrassing, but I'm already seeing someone. I just haven't introduced him to the family yet and my aunt didn't know."

Normally I'd never advocate for the "I have a boyfriend" lie, but this seems a perfect time to trot it out.
posted by phunniemee at 4:54 AM on August 10, 2015 [48 favorites]

Lovely to meet you, but I'm not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship.

It's clean, simple, and straightforward. That's about as elegant and non-hurtful as it gets at this point.

I get that you want to let the person down gently, so he doesn't get upset, so his dad doesn't get upset, so your aunt doesn't lose footing. Honestly, your aunt shouldn't have been setting you up at work if this was a concern! But that aside, I don't see any reason to avoid the standard communication here. Just don't pull a slow fade and you'll be fine. There's no gentler way to do this, unless you make up a lie or elaborate series of lies, and that has a real chance of blowing up in your face at some point.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:55 AM on August 10, 2015 [5 favorites]

Do you have a friend that you could pass him off to?
posted by myselfasme at 5:00 AM on August 10, 2015

I'm a little concerned your aunt would put you in this position to begin with. This demonstrates really poor judgment on her part especially since you say this is really, really important to her. Most people would never mix their work life and personal life in this manner and doubly so if they were in a highly politics field where keeping on their bosses good side was paramount. You sound like a very nice person, but please remember this is a problem of your aunt's own making and however it turns out is not your fault.

Given that I would tell her you aren't interested, but that if there is some face saving lie she wants to tell that's fine. I feel like the standard one is this whole thing has made you realize you aren't over your ex and it wouldn't be fair to him to take things any further. Also, if there are any neutral deal breakers you could cite that might work. You mention skyping? If you don't live in the same town you can say you've realized that dating someone long distance is just too much for you.
posted by whoaali at 5:37 AM on August 10, 2015 [26 favorites]

You are such an awesome person that I couldn't bear for you to waste another moment on me, especially since there might be an equally lovely person out there waiting to meet you.
posted by amtho at 5:52 AM on August 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

...or something with a similar sentiment, but less melodramatically stated.
posted by amtho at 5:53 AM on August 10, 2015

Ugh, I feel dirty suggesting this, especially in light of all the emotional labor discussion on women managing their menfolk's egos, but if you can't be forthright, can you "flunk" the Skype interview and let Boss-spawn be the one to decide not to move forward? This would depend on your ad-libbing skills and how well you think you know what will turn him off.

Also yes, tell your aunt to not let this happen again, or next time you won't try so hard to let him down easy.
posted by yeahlikethat at 1:08 PM on August 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

The main thing is that this is your aunt's problem, not yours. If your life is busy enough and you are really not interested, then just make a polite and tactful retreat, and add a little white lie about already seeing someone. And then let your aunt deal with it.

On the other hand, blind dates are not always the worst thing in the world. They don't always work out as planned, but they don't always suck. Maybe the boss's son is actually an okay guy once you get to know him?
posted by ovvl at 4:19 PM on August 10, 2015

If you say you're seeing someone after already having had an email correspondence, it will be awkward. Instead, I would invent some new obligation (like an online degree or night classes) that you've suddenly decided to undertake and that will eat all your free time and preclude a relationship. Make it seem like the opportunity really just came down the pipeline which is why you felt okay talking to him at first but simply can't anymore, alas.

Also, it sucks that your aunt put you in this position and you are under no obligation to suffer through a blind date because he "might be nice." No.
posted by delight at 6:33 PM on August 10, 2015 [4 favorites]

I would just go for a very bland "It's been so nice chatting with you but I'm not interested in taking this any further. I wish you all the best!" If you feel the need to provide a reason, maybe something like "I've realized I'm not over my ex" or "I've realized I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

And yeah, let your aunt know that this was a dumb thing for her to get you involved in...it's the 21st century, relatives don't get to arrange marriages for political gain anymore! As long as you are 100% polite to this guy (i.e. don't go into a tirade listing all his faults that make you not want to date him or something), any negative reaction is all on him and is more evidence that you're doing the right thing getting out now.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:04 AM on August 11, 2015