Best Practices for New Step-Parents
August 4, 2015 11:54 AM   Subscribe

Help us figure out how to introduce our relationship to his child, with lots of complications and snowflakes.

Basic history: Both of us (he’s male, I’m female, both in our mid-30’s) have been married and divorced. My divorce is a little older than his, and his divorce includes a custody arrangement with his ex-wife. His daughter is almost 7, and for the sake of this question, let’s call her J.

In his state, there was a one-year separation requirement before divorce could be granted, and we started dating during that time. They also went through mediation and one of the stipulations was that any relationship had to be serious and had to have existed for at least six months before J could get to know the new partner (it has been more than six months now). It also stipulates that we must be married before I can stay the night with J present.

The complication is that we live on opposite coasts. So far, we’ve seen each other when his ex has J. However, J has seen and talked to me on video chat, and recognises me from pictures on her dad’s computer. We haven’t met in person, and she doesn’t know we’re dating.

The logistics of having a long-distance relationship are such that I can’t just be around for the day, and then go sleep at my own place. And getting a rental car + hotel on top of the flights and travel costs is just not financially feasible for us, especially planning a cross-country move and wedding. This is not somewhere that has public transportation, and there are few options for hotels close to his house.

Another complicating factor is that his ex is not a big fan of me. He and I were friends during the last few years of his marriage, and though she and I have talked and been friendly at points during that time, she believes that there was a romantic relationship developing. However, our relationship was professional as well as collegial only, and we were not romantically involved until after they split up. She doesn’t know we are dating, though she will soon.

She is not neurotypical, and is an extremely difficult person with whom to communicate. She is also much happier now that the marriage has ended (as is he), and she is both far more functional and a better parent now. Despite that, we do not believe she will be jumping for joy about this. We also think she will most likely do what she can to make this as difficult as possible for us. This eliminates the possibility of having J over to visit, then having her spend the night at her mom’s.

Due to those logistical challenges, we feel that the best course of action is to get married soon (before Christmas 2015). That way, I could be there and spend time with J before I move out permanently next summer. But that’s also awkward. She would meet me, and that same night, she would have to deal with me staying the night in the same bed as her dad. There isn’t a spare bedroom or alternate place to sleep, as the house is quite small.

We’re really looking for best-practices in having a new partner meet a step-parent. We want J to feel like this isn’t being dumped on her, especially because this is the foundation for a life-long relationship. We also know the best possible way would include some low-stress day outings where I stayed the night somewhere else.

Given that doesn’t seem like a possibility, what can we do to help her adjust? Are there books, shows, movies, etc. that would help her? J’s grandmother (his mom) has been helping her get used to the idea of a step-parent in a general way, and she is seeing a therapist to talk about her feelings surrounding the divorce and transitions in the last few years. J could potentially stay with them for a night or two, but we also don’t want to communicate to her that we are ditching her so we can spend time together. That is very probably how J’s mom will spin it.

We don’t want this to be about managing the relationship between my partner and his ex. She is a very difficult person, but we are far more concerned with how to do this in a way that will give J the chance to adjust and accept this new relationship. Things we’re already planning: having J and her dad go out on special outings together (just the two of them); continuing J’s therapy; and continuing to give J and her grandmother time together (partner’s parents love me, and believe that our relationship is the best thing to happen to partner in a long time. They wish I could have moved out THIS summer).

So what can we do to navigate through this mess? This is a life-long relationship for us, as is the relationship with J. Please share stories, advice, book/show recommendations, etc.

Much appreciated.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (35 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Are your partner's parents in the same city as your partner? Since they love you, is there any way that they can have you stay on their couch during your next couple of visits, while J gets to know you during the day and comes to terms with the fact that you and your partner are dating?
posted by cider at 12:00 PM on August 4, 2015 [28 favorites]


Could J and partner camp together in the backyard or in the living room when you have your first visit?

Is there any way you can include J in your wedding?
posted by mingshan at 12:05 PM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


It seems like what you need to do here is plan a sequence of events first and foremost.

- Tell daughter you are dating. This will also involve the ex learning that you are dating, I'd just rip the bandaid off on this one. The right time to tell the daughter you are dating is NOT after you've already scheduled a wedding.
- Arrange to spend time with daughter before you marry. Honestly I know that hotels/travel/etc are expensive but you need to find a way to handle this and not throw up road blocks. Can you sleep on the couch/air mattress/someplace? AirBnB? A friend? Can you all take a vacation together and not share a room/hotel (i.e. you both vacation at the same location and spend some time together and some time apart and sleep separately)?
- Letter of the law: could you get married for sleepover purposes but then have a more formal wedding the way you want to, including J, further down the road?

I appreciate having a partner with an ex who is not neurotypical (I have one) but right now the guiding document is whatever the divorce arrangement says, not what the ex might be okay with. Boundaries are important, so I'd be trying to optimize this situation for J even if it's expensive or frustrating for the two of you and/or sows some discontent with the ex. Obviously your partner should try to co-parent to the best of his ability, but at the same time don't let concern over the ex's freakouts drive your decisions.
posted by jessamyn at 12:06 PM on August 4, 2015 [16 favorites]


I think you need to find a way to come visit and spend time with J without sleeping over with your partner. There have to be creative ways to figure this out. Can you stay with your partner's parents or other family? He must have some friends in the area with a spare bedroom, couch, or air mattress, right? Or do you have friends in the area you could crash with? Or, just bite the bullet and visit a bit less frequently but save up for the hotel and have your partner do drop offs/pick ups. Yes, it's annoying, but remember that this is short term, while a marriage and relationship with a step kid is for life. I think you need to get a little creative here, because it seems like dropping "meet this new person, we're getting married TODAY, and now said person is sleeping over with dad" is pretty much the worst arrangement imaginable for a little kid. I think Step 1 is having her meet you and feel okay about you, and then you can start planning a wedding.
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:17 PM on August 4, 2015 [13 favorites]


For the sake of the child, I would pony up the hotel costs for a visit. You don't need to have that much money for a wedding.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:22 PM on August 4, 2015 [11 favorites]


I agree with rainbowbrite and roomthreeseventeen and think you're going to have to bite the financial bullet on this one, at least in the short term. I would plan your visit so that your next couple of trips straddle your partner's parenting time. So, say, you arrive on the last two days when J is with her mom and you can stay with your partner. Then you stay another two days, when J is with her dad - but you book a hotel room for those nights. (Could you manage this without a rental car? Your partner picks you up at the airport and then he and J pick you up together for daytime activities and drop you off together at your hotel before bedtime?) You could throw a night with J at her grandparents' into that mix, too, to help limit the number of nights you book in a hotel. Maybe you all have dinner together on the last night and then J stays to sleep over or something and you and your partner go back to his house - it might give you guys some time to process and assess how J seems to be doing, too.

But before you do this, you should definitely follow jessamyn's advice and tell the daughter ASAP. Both my partner and I sent our exes a courtesy email immediately prior to introducing our kids just to let them know that we were taking that step, too.

In the meantime, consider scheduling regular FaceTime/Skypes in the run up to your visit. Things that have worked well for us include setting up the iPhone at the dinner table during homework or a meal or dessert to let the absent party be part of the regular workaday party.
posted by pinkacademic at 12:26 PM on August 4, 2015 [6 favorites]


Your proposed solution creates more problems then it solves.

You're ready to get married to do an end-run around whatever stipulations are in place via the divorce and custody agreements your BF has with his ex regarding their daughter (marriage is a huge decision) yet there is simply no way you can stay at a friend's house or with his family in the area while you get to know the daughter and abide by the spirit of the divorce and custody agreement? Not even for ONE visit? Really??

No wonder you anticipate his ex will find problems here. I'm not sure if it is you or your BF that thinks breaking the spirit of the agreement(s) is the only way forward, but it is certainly unethical of both of you to seek to do this.

Don't heap your shortcomings on his ex. They have an agreement(s), you guys have been sneaky in the face of these agreements. Now you want to fully work-around the agreement(s) by marrying each other first, and then being practically and formally being introduced to your BF's young daughter? I hope you see the faulty logic there. I'm not sure how many times I need to restate this for it to "click."

Your proposed solution creates more problems then it solves.

Of course this plan will cause emotional trauma for the daughter. Of course this plan will further poison whatever civil co-parenting arrangements have existed. Of course being betrayed will cause the ex, and therefore the daughter, terrible upset.

Find friends and family in the area to stay with while you honor agreements and get to know J.

Your plan to marry by Christmas 2015 will cause endless trauma, drama, distrust, and conflict. The negative fallout will never stop. Only follow that route if your goal is to cause lots of trouble.
posted by jbenben at 12:35 PM on August 4, 2015 [39 favorites]


Surely one of boyfriend's local friends could put you up for a visit?

I can see why you came up with this idea but I agree with everyone else that it will create more problems than it solves.

Wouldn't you rather have J be able to participate in your wedding to her father? Don't you think she would want that?
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:46 PM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


Is there a reason you can't be introduced as a new girlfriend over Skype, and get to know J gradually that way? You present this as "how to prepare J for the reality" but the thing you need to be doing for J is not in any books or movies. It is you putting in the hard time and effort to build a good relationship between you and J directly.
posted by Andrhia at 12:53 PM on August 4, 2015 [13 favorites]


The kid's needs come first. Kids need to know the people who are coming into their lives permanently. Having your first meeting with a child be after you are married to her parent is a recipe for disaster and I personally find it really disrespectful. She is going to need time and space to talk to her dad about all her feelings, and adjust to these major changes in her life. "Hi honey, I got married/am getting married" is a recipe to ruin your love's relationship with his child and hers with him.

First, her dad should tell her, near the start of a visit so she has lots of time to process with him and he should be emotionally available for her for that time. If the _daughter_ wants to Skype etc with you, you should make yourself available. If not that's fine.

Then you need to create a relationship with her over time, which means taking the time to get to know her.

Next, you should ask his ex if it would be okay to visit him and meet up with his daughter and have her go back to the ex's, or change the agreement. You are probably right and she will say no but the balance is "ask for a change that will help the child" vs. "have an unpleasant discussion with no change." There is no penalty for asking respectfully.

If the answer is no then yes, you do need to figure out a budget and way to get together and meet her at least once before getting married (!!!). Kids are people. Leaving them out of major events makes them distrustful. Please keep that in mind as you make decisions.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:55 PM on August 4, 2015 [34 favorites]


Surprise, I'm your new step-mother! Isn't that the beginning of Cinderella?

My mom started dating my step-dad when I was 8. They also had a LDR and I was pretty resentful when he started spending the night at my house on the weekends while I got hustled off to my grandparents. As they got more serious, they started including me in weekend plans. He even sat me down and asked my permission before proposing. I was included in the wedding planning and ceremony. We get along very well now after a rocky start.

She doesn't need books or tv shows about step-parents, she needs time with you and her dad and then some time one-on-one with you.

You need to spend time and money on building a solid relationship before worrying about a marriage and move. Meet her in person. Spend some days together. Maybe all three of you can Skype a movie together. Make it a regular event. Involve J's mom in activities, too. His ex will be a major part of your life for at least 11 more years.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 1:00 PM on August 4, 2015 [11 favorites]


The agreement was written in J's best interest and presumably your fiancé agreed it was in J's best interest too. You can't do an end run around it now. What you're saying in this question is that you'd rather spend money on a party than what you know is in J's best interest. It's kind of gross. Pony up the $300 and cheap out on the stuff that doesn't matter.
posted by bleep at 1:02 PM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


It also stipulates that we must be married before I can stay the night with J present.

Whatever underlying motivation brought about this stipulation, it is now a huge roadblock to easing the kid into accepting your new permanent place into her life and home. Going from zero to married-and-cohabiting is not in her best interests and I'd bring the ex fully up to date on what's going on and see if this can be renegotiated.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:16 PM on August 4, 2015 [7 favorites]


The agreement was written in J's best interest

I am not convinced of this and if his ex already thought OP and her then husband were having at least an emotional affair, it might have been aimed at scuttling the relationship. At the very least, it sounds like it was designed to make the husband have a rough time finding new relationships that could last in general.

If navigating this whole thing is going to be a huge mess with the ex anyway, if it possible to renegotiate the agreement with her with the current set of cards out on the table?
posted by Candleman at 1:27 PM on August 4, 2015 [5 favorites]


Congratulations on all this. You're on the right track. Seconding pinkacademic and galvanized unicorn and the other excellent posts above.

Biggest question, why doesn't she know you're dating? Bring this out right away. Normalize the relationship. You've already met her on video chat. How did boyfriend introduce you? Hasn't he told her that he's seen you in your city, or wherever you've been together?

she believes that there was a romantic relationship developing

And she was right. If she brings this up, let her vent. Don't even try to deny it or argue the point.

having J and her dad go out on special outings together (just the two of them)

This sounds odd. Don't they already go out on special outings together?

Offering J special movies might be seen as a transparent manipulation. But if you want a couple ideas, "Sleepless in Seattle" and "The Parent Trap" (with Lindsay Lohan, not Hayley Mills) are two pleasant, sugar-coated candidates.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:28 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


These are terrible plans.

If you really want to be with this guy you need to move to his area and live nearby and date outside of a LDR and see if you and the kid actually get along.

Having a stranger known only from the computer abruptly join your family is traumatic and wrong and bizarre. I am not sure this is actually a good dude you are getting involved with here. I am having a hard time thinking of a context in which any parent could see this as a reasonable thing to do to his child. If your boyfriend was a friend of mine I would right now be trying to talk some sense into him, and if he was stuck on the idea of doing this to his kid I would end the friendship. I totally get how it could look relatively benign to somebody with no kids, but as a parent, this is some very, very messed-up stuff. His priorities are not in the right place, which does not speak well to his overall personality/emotional health.

I think everybody involved here must have some pretty unrealistic expectations of how a transition might go post-marriage here. Introduction, shmintroduction, it scarcely matters. You will be dealing with an extended period of very difficult behaviour from the kid after throwing her life upside-down like this.

The whole thing sounds absolutely nuts, I question this guy's parenting skills (and dodgy parenting skills means he is not going to have the high-level skills needed to navigate the complexity that is a blended family), I can't imagine why you'd want to do this to a little girl, and, no, just shut this down now. Move to live near him and date like that and then do this normally and with the kid as the first priority.
posted by kmennie at 1:33 PM on August 4, 2015 [41 favorites]


At the very least, it sounds like it was designed to make the husband have a rough time finding new relationships that could last in general.

I'm not sure why this is the case? Certainly that could have been the ex's goal, but I'm not sure why developing a relationship has to involve sleepovers when the child is present or (what it's most likely designed to prevent) moving in together before marriage. It doesn't sound like the boyfriend is the custodial parent 100% of the time, thus preventing sleepovers all the time ever -- all this agreement is saying is to keep the sex time and the kid time separate, which seems totally reasonable to me. Obviously it's not the decision every single divorced parent would make, and I'm not saying it's the only decision that can ever be good for a kid, but it does sound to me like something that could certainly be written with the child's best interest in mind rather than just making Dad's life hard. In particular, Dad seems to be showing some pretty poor judgement here in the whole plan listed out above (i.e. let's get married really fast, and without telling daughter or letting her meet new stepmom first!), so perhaps this was written in specifically because of said poor judgement around boundaries, new relationships, and the daughter.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:36 PM on August 4, 2015 [12 favorites]


You cannot spring a wedding (or a marriage) on a 7 year old. That's... weird and cruel. Pay for a week of hotel rooms instead of a wedding or, if necessary, a honeymoon. Accommodate the needs of your least powerful new family member.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:42 PM on August 4, 2015 [17 favorites]


This all seems like such a bad idea. It's such a weird, terrible idea that I had to read the post twice before I even understood what you were proposing.

I mean seriously, you are prioritizing spending on a wedding that you're going to spring on this little girl as a fait accompli over getting a cheap hotel room and/or a rental car (if you can stay with one of your fiancee's friends or relatives). This seems like incredibly poor judgement. Wedding spending is optional. Getting to know your stepdaughter before she becomes your stepdaughter is NOT OPTIONAL.
posted by mskyle at 1:57 PM on August 4, 2015 [17 favorites]


If J's paternal grandmother is supportive and lives in town, can YOU stay with her for a couple of nights? It would be awkward perhaps but might solve some other problems. But I agree with the advice above that the best plan would be to push the wedding plans waaaay back and instead you move to the town and live there separately (get your own apartment or share with someone off craigslist or similar) and get to know J while dating her dad in a more low key format. If this sounds risky, and like you are turning your life upside down for something that might not work out, it is - but certainly no more so than the current plan.
posted by Cheese Monster at 2:09 PM on August 4, 2015 [8 favorites]


She would meet me, and that same night, she would have to deal with me staying the night in the same bed as her dad

This was pretty much how it went for me and my Step-Mum. I'd heard of her, I knew her name, I knew she and my Dad were dating, but I never met her.

Then, the day I met her, that was the day I was told she was becoming my Step-Mum. It was incredibly traumatizing for me and, here's the kicker, I think I was 17 at the time..... 17!

Step-parenting is enough of a minefield as it is, and kids notice so much more than we give them credit. I truly, truly urge you to try and find somewhere else to sleep.... it absolutely cannot be true that there aren't any other options.

Also, I really think it's a bad idea that it's already August, you're planning on getting married before Christmas 2015, and the ex-wife doesn't even know you are dating her ex-husband. You're planning on going from "Daddy's friend" to "Daddy's new wife" in 4 months and just HOPING that it all turns out ok?? Trust me, if she already doesn't like you because she felt there was something brewing between you and her husband when they were married, it really doesn't matter if nothing actually happened until after they split up, she'll feel validated in her feelings and can potentially make your life pretty horrible.

So I'd just advise you slow down a bit if possible and if not, good luck with it all. First impressions are really important, and if my story is anything to go by, I'll tell you that your step-child may never get over it!
posted by JenThePro at 2:37 PM on August 4, 2015 [8 favorites]


Slow down! Move to town, find a job and get your own place, even if it's a room in a house share you only use when J is staying at her father's place (and please don't leave clues at your BF's home for her to find). Then build a relationship with J. Then involve J in planning the wedding. Then have the wedding and move in or, better, get a new place with space for everyone including a room for J.

You have to approach this situation more gradually so everyone, including J's mom, gets used to the idea. You can tolerate spending the nights apart when J is visiting her father.
posted by carmicha at 2:42 PM on August 4, 2015 [6 favorites]


mingshan's camping plan sounds smart and budget-friendly. I would switch it around so that YOU are the one camping (rather than you pushing them out of their home).

Also, you'll need to camp somewhere other than their property, since you won't be married yet, because DUH OF COURSE SHE SHOULD GET TO KNOW YOU BEFORE YOU ARE MARRIED.

Hell, maybe you should camp in the backyard for a while after the wedding too. Make the whole moving-in process gradual. Seriously. Especially if the relationship has been almost entirely long-distance. Let J initiate some of the contact and invitations, if she seems at all inclined to do this.

Screening The Parent Trap seems counterproductive, since it's about two kids who successfully reunite their divorced parents.
posted by feral_goldfish at 2:44 PM on August 4, 2015


I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend told his ex that he had a gf before telling his son. He then introduced us over FaceTime. Since then (almost a year!) I've been able to have lunch with his son when I go out to see my bf (on weekends that he doesn't have custody), spent time with them at family occasions, and had two slumber parties where there were a household of kids and I slept on the couch (with the ex's permission). Is it easy? No. But we are all going to be a family, and the ex will always be the kiddo's mom, and rules are rules. Relationships also take time to build. I realize that I'm not flying cross-country, but it's still a considerable expenditure of time (and gas and other car stuff) and hotels aren't cheap, but we've managed to get hotel rooms either for me or them twice so we could hang out for a couple of days and spend a lot of time together. His family is welcoming to me and lets me stay there when my bf and his son visit (in a separate bed, with the ex's ok). We also FaceTime every few weeks and he hops on to his dad's calls to me fairly often. And with all of this I wouldn't dream of showing up married one day, even though he's started asking about us getting married and offered to let me sleep in the bed with dad last time we were all visiting family (innocently! 'You don't get to see Dad much, why don't you stay with him?'). It's about earning and maintaining trust with the kiddo and his mom and modeling how to be a grownup.
posted by sorrygottago at 3:01 PM on August 4, 2015 [12 favorites]


your focus seems to be on how best to grow your relationship with your boyfriend, not how to to best care for your future step daughter. you both need to reconfigure your priorities. also, i would wait until 6 months after the year mandated separation ended, not 6 months from when you guys consider the beginning of the relationship. also, also, prepare for his ex to be upset that you guys get to just tell her it has been six months and she has to trust that you aren't trying to pull a fast one. that will be easier to convince her of if you aren't trying to get around the cohabitation/marriage requirement simultaneously. finally - skyping with J is getting to know J, so you're really already in violation of the thing he agreed to.
posted by nadawi at 3:05 PM on August 4, 2015 [8 favorites]


One thing that I find really annoying as a full-time parent is that I can't just go do what I want without other people being involved. It's the simple reality of having children - you're not as free to do what you want. In your case, it means spending the money/effort on a weekend visit without having the reward of spending lots of time alone with your boyfriend. In your shoes, I'd get a cheap hotel room, do daytime visits with your boyfriend and daughter, and then your boyfriend should hire a babysitter (or grandma) to watch his daughter while you have date night. Part of date night can occur in your hotel room. It's annoying that it adds extra cost, but think of it as an investment in everyone having the best possible relationship with one another.

Also, try to let go of viewing the custody agreement/restrictions as something your boyfriend's ex-wife is doing to you and him. It sounds very reasonable. I had a stepmother sprung on me from seemingly out of nowhere at 8 years old (never met her, never heard of her) and it was traumatizing.
posted by stowaway at 3:10 PM on August 4, 2015 [5 favorites]


I'd like to point out that it is likely shenanigans just like the plan you mention here coming from your BF in the past which caused his EX Wife to be distrustful and put so many custody stipulations into place. You can see how it might work that way, right?

You are LDR. You don't really know this guy. His Ex does know him, and she put these rules in place. These rules say more about your BF than about his EX Wife, even though you present it as her being unreasonable.

You know what else? Nthing that if you go through with this plan, the EX Wife will never ever believe that you were not involved in the demise of her marriage. Based on the cavalier plans floated in this AskMe, I also doubted you and her husband (now your BF) weren't involved before their separation. That's how shady this all seems when you redact the drama and just stick to the facts and sequence of events.

If you're trying to legitimize this relationship, go forth on ethically sound footing. Think twice if this plan was your BF's idea. The flavor of this plan made me think immediately that his EX has a point about either one or both of you, so painting her as some kind of hysterical harpy might not be entirely accurate.

You might be in over your head with this guy. Wouldn't it be funny if the person those rules and stipulations ended up protecting along with the daughter was you? It could turn out that way, since this plan is so immature and ill conceived. That's coming from somewhere. Take a moment to figure it out. You may not want to rush to the alter after all, or only after dating for longer. Good luck. Try not to hurt anyone (including yourself) as you proceed.
posted by jbenben at 3:45 PM on August 4, 2015 [8 favorites]


This is how it would look to me if I were the ex; "Supposedly their whole relationship has been long distance, yet she's planning on marrying someone before she's even moved out to his city to spend time with him. Who marries someone they've only ever dated long distance? Uh, no one. Because they were together once. WHILE WE WERE MARRIED. And they're so eager about being together now and determined to have sex under the same roof she won't even take the time to get to know my daughter, they'll spring a marriage on her for their own selfish purposes."

This whole thing just looks so bad and makes both of you look like you don't care about the child at all. If you're not doing anything wrong why don't you date in the open? It sounds like a relationship that was based on furtive sneaking around and now even when you are allowed to date, you still are hiding in shadows because you're used to it.

Clearly I could be way off the mark, but if you want to get things off on the best footing, tell the ex. Tell the child. Skype with them. Move to their city and get your own place and take it slowly, getting to know the family. Get to know the man you're going to marry, if in fact most of your relationship has actually been long distance. Get on good terms with the ex - she will be your family now too and if you get her off side, there's no way the daughter won't pick up on that. You have a lot of steps you need to take and marriage is one of the last. Not the first.
posted by Jubey at 4:08 PM on August 4, 2015 [18 favorites]


A few years ago, I was contemplating a serious relationship with a single dad who I was dating long-distance. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying in that I wanted the relationship to progress in a way that they do when dating people who don't have children (spending the night, etc.) However, I knew that "convenience" would not be what was best for the child, and I was grateful for my friends who called me out. They didn't chew me out as much as tell me how to do it right, and I'm glad they did. One thing that impressed me about this guy was not only how clearly loving he was towards his daughter but also how respectful he was towards his ex. Obviously, there were reasons it hadn't worked out between the two of them and he was angry she wasn't being more involved, but I appreciated his kindness toward her. Indeed, whenever I start a new relationship, I ask myself how the other person would be in the case of a divorce; you never truly know but you can certainly make guesses based on past breakups.

In any case, I know you have really good intentions here. You want to be with your boyfriend, do right by J, and start your shared life together in person. However, I have to agree with the others who have suggested you slow things down for the sake of a happier future together.

I feel for J's mom: she may be difficult in some ways, but she's also J's mother and the person your boyfriend chose to have a child with. She'll always be in your life, and it'd help to see her as a future ally, even if things will be off to a rough start. I'd try to speak to her first along with your boyfriend, and start by expressing your appreciation for her a J's mother: namely, you know J is great based on what you've heard, and that is due in large part to her being J's mother. I'd express your appreciation for her wanting things to be right by J, including the restrictions on overnights because you, too, want to do right by J. That you and your boyfriend have a serious relationship (he can tell her first in advance all of this, too) so you want to move to their city in order to set up your life there, get to know J, and hopefully one day get married to J's dad and help him and her raise J as a stepparent. She may get angry, and I can see why she might, but being honest and letting her vent is positive for the long run. After that transparency, even if she's against your relationship, you can take further steps to get to know the daughter, both online and in person.

I'd spend the night in a hotel, with your boyfriend's parents or at a friend of his. You'd still have the chance for one-on-one time with your boyfriend as well as time together with him and J. I'd work on preparing your move to that city, including finding short-term housing, like a place you can rent month-by-month. And then you can move there, get to know your boyfriend as a local partner, give J a chance to get to know you in a more relaxed setting, as well as build trust with J's mom.

I think your ideas for how to become a blended family after getting married are right on. However, I'd take more time before getting married because it'll ultimately be the best for everyone involved. I have the utmost respect for parents, and I have extra care for stepparents because I know it's an extra hard job. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:12 PM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


Oh, hey, my dad and step-mother did this. I mean, there were some key differences--I was 14, my parents had already been separated for quite a few years, he and I moved to her state to my step-mother's state (and it was partly because of some unusual educational circumstances for me), etc., but yes, I basically wound up in an overnight cross-country blended family. I do not recommend it, and I say that as someone who has a cordial relationship with my step-mother and kept in touch even after she and my dad have split.

Consider the number of adjustments that would be happening at once: you're going to be moving to a new state, with attendant job/housing/financial flux, J and her parents are likely still adjusting to the post-separation status quo, then all of you are adjusting to you being a new, physically present part of life, you'd be getting used to living with a young child...it's too much at once, even if everyone's approaching the situation with the best of intentions and warm feelings for one another.

Get your own space on his side of the country for a while, date, give the kid and the ex some time to adjust to your presence.
posted by kagredon at 5:20 PM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]


You and dad are hiding your relationship from the mother of his child. She used to be married to him, she can probably tell that he is hiding something from her. Right there is the beginning of your future hell. If mom can't trust you and dad to be forthcoming and honest in all things then you will have a very difficult road ahead of you. Mothers are programmed to be very protective of their offspring. Stop being shady. Dad needs to man up and gently tell the mother of his child that he is seeing you, and that it is serious. You and he then need to give her some time to adjust to this. She must be assured that the sneaking around will stop. She needs to know that the people who she is trusting her child with will not keep things from her or play her like a fool. It doesn't matter if you like her or not. If you want what is best for J, you will have to treat mom with some level of respect. I am telling you this from experience.
posted by myselfasme at 9:15 PM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


As a single parent myself I cannot fathom what your boyfriend is thinking, already planning to marry someone WHO HAS NOT EVEN MET HIS CHILD. This speaks really, really poorly of his character, not even considering all the rest of this disaster.
posted by celtalitha at 9:48 PM on August 4, 2015 [8 favorites]


I am a step child. I haven't read all the comments but reading plans to marry before J has had a chance to get to know you makes me want to cry NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and then run off with J to hide away from this world where parents say they put their kids first but really, make everything all about them.

38 going on 7 year old me is thinking:
Daddy is going to leave me and have a new family and doesn't want me to be involved.
Daddy's new wife is the most important thing to Daddy because if I was important, wouldn't he have let me get to know her before my life changed forever?
I'm going to have to spend the next 10 years visiting Daddy's new family and I'm going to be the odd one out because they are always together and no one bothers to come and see me.

The logistics of having a long-distance relationship are such that I can’t just be around for the day, and then go sleep at my own place. And getting a rental car + hotel on top of the flights and travel costs is just not financially feasible for us, especially planning a cross-country move and wedding. This is not somewhere that has public transportation, and there are few options for hotels close to his house.

I don't undersand why you'd need a rental car, a hotel near his house or whatever. You go out there, there's got to be SOMEWHERE within an hour or two drive of where he lives and then he and J can drive out and spend the day with you then drop you back at the hotel when it's time to take J home. You're a grown up, you can spend a few evenings alone while he's with his daughter and she gets valuable debriefing time alone with her dad after the days with you.

I don't mean to be harsh and you seem to mean well but how this is handled with J will affect J's whole life. She's at the stage where she's developing her sense of self. She deserves to know that she's the centre of her parents world, even if they aren't together anymore. People who grow up in stable homes have no idea how fucked up life gets when divorced parents proceed with their new happy lives at the kids' expense.
posted by kitten magic at 11:12 PM on August 4, 2015 [12 favorites]


To answer your question, for me, books/shows etc don't' change the reality, they just showed me that some divorced families handled things better and worse than mine (and made me feel like I was in a club I never ever would've chosen to join). The therapy is a good idea though.

J could potentially stay with them for a night or two, but we also don’t want to communicate to her that we are ditching her so we can spend time together. That is very probably how J’s mom will spin it.

How J's mom spins it is largely irrelevant. Much more significant is how J perceives how she fits in to this new family. The flip side being, even if her mom was super supportive of you both, having her Dad spring a new stop mom on her is the kind of earth shattering change that will affect her regardless. I'd feel more comforted by my mum being anti-step mom. At least someone is thinking of me.
posted by kitten magic at 11:30 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


Wow, what a messed up agreement with the potential for some really negative unintended consequences to J's emotional health-- I mean, it incentivizes getting quickie married in order to permit two grown ups the basic, fundamental freedom to spend the night together whenever they please. WTF? So ass backward, so sex negative, and I disagree with the unstated premise that sleepovers with unmarried partners are per se harmful to all 7 year old children everywhere (and I say this as the mother of 2 kids right around that age). So much depends on the context, and the relationship dynamics, and it leaves absolutely no wiggle room for nuance and the fact that things change. Yuck. And this reads like the constraints of the agreement plus the fear of the ex's IMHO totally understandable future wrath when she finds this shit out are making them hide the relationship from J. It's weird that Daddy is still saying the OP is just a friend given that over 6 months have passed per the language of the agreement. J sees the lady's picture and Skypes with her and Daddy is not telling her the truth about who she really is to him. Bogus. Lying to the child is not the way here, people. Time to start living out your authentic truth and let J know it so she can have time and space to accept it. Of course her mom is going to hate on you-- what the hell else do you expect? She is being lied to right now by omission-- and look, part of that is on her for signing that shitty-incentives-causing agreement.

That all being said, I don't get the pile on here towards the OP, who absolutely didn't create this mess. The OP is trying to problem solve in good faith given some awful constraints caused by J's parents' mutual bad parenting choice to enter into a foolish agreement that, much like abstinence-only sex ed programs, is totally unrealistic and directly causes the very things you didn't want to have happen.

So OP, as the old adage goes "Only fools rush in." Please do not get married right away. Please do not agree to any type of secret courthouse wedding shenanigans that go behind J's back. Above all else, make damn sure you want to marry this judgment-impaired father who would agree to put his name on an agreement like this in the first place, which has effectively tied the hands of everyone on J's paternal side from being open and honest advocates for her. Decide intentionally if you truly want to make all of this your problem.
posted by hush at 5:09 AM on August 5, 2015 [6 favorites]


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