Fear in opening myself to a good man in a good relationship?
August 4, 2015 9:34 AM Subscribe
I have been with my boyfriend for not even two months but he is already so in love and so infatuated and I wonder why I am looking at things so much differently. He has not dated many people and I have, lots who have hurt me and some the other way around. I am finding myself scared to love him back fully and wonder why I am not quite as infatuated though I feel I do love him in return?
I am dating a wonderful, sweet, attentive man. He was my first boyfriend in middle school and my first kiss. It was sweet and innocent and we broke up on the phone with me in tears because I just liked him so much. We were always instantly attracted to one another. I saw him again in high school and he was instantly wanting to be together again and we were until he got caught up in some crazy stuff. Well, dealing pot and hanging with shady people. I knew he was so I let him go. We never saw each other after freshman year because he had to go to the new school that was built to control the growing population of students in our town.
Fast forward 10 years and I looked for him wondering whatever happened to so and so and decided to friend request him when I found him on Facebook. Little did I know it did not reach him because he had a girlfriend who checked his Facebook before he could get on and denied me and messaged me do you know my boyfriend before he could even know the request existed. A year later randomly one night he friend requested me and I was surprised. That girl was gone and we talked for the whole night. He called me and I called him to chat for hours leading up to the day we got dinner at his request. He had made a lot of mistakes in school but cleaned up his act upon choosing to go to military school. He was still kind, sweet, and attractive. I felt a very strong pull towards him. It all happened quick and before I knew it a week later he said he was in love with me. Cue anxiety. Lol
I have been looking for a good guy and healthy relationship for a long time. I had dated nice guys whom I could not reciprocate the feelings for but this one is different. The only thing is I feel like he loves me and is so infatuated by me and I love him but I am not infatuated. Sometimes, I need me time. Most of the time I love being with him but sometimes I need a nap, or a good night of sleep and find that he keeps me up or I get a bit irritated if he says let me call you one more time! Sometimes he is late to see me by an hour or two and that irritates me too. He just can't get enough of me but I need a night by myself when work gets tough and I am pooped. I worry that I should not feel this way and that something is wrong. Sometimes I think he is just a bit clingy but so am I and find myself clingy right back when he doesn't text me back for awhile.
I also dislike his past with drugs but he never did the hard ones so I am letting go. He has learned a lot and also he dated a girl for 4 years who was not good for him. He learned from that too. She had facial piercings and tattoos, 3 kids he paid the bills for and kept the lights on for though they were not his, she used and abused him, was a stripper on the side, and he suspected she was doing drugs when she would randomly run off at night. Oh and she was a felon 3 times over. I can't believe he thought it was good to stay with her but I know I have stayed in crap situations too. We also have slightly different politics. I am not political but he is republican and I am a democrat. I worried this would be bad but then I realized I have dated republicans in the past. Lol
basically I am so used to things effing up that I am terrified of truly opening my heart to him though I feel he deserves it. I need me time and feel guilty about it. He is always saying how much he loves me and sometimes I get overwhelmed though most of the time I feel so good and amazing. I could see us being married with kids and shit. I have doubts, is the problem. I keep thinking I am not normal, why am I so worried and dissecting? It is my nature to eat myself up over nothing. I know he has learned lessons, I trust him, my mom and sister love him... But why do I feel like he is so infatuated and I am looking at everything so pragmatically?
He doesn't have it all figured out and neither do I but I think he will figure it out, I am stuck on the what if? He is not a college graduate like my cold, unloving ex but I am finding his love and mine for him has nothing to do with a college degree. I want to stop dwelling on what ifs and enjoy my relationship and I can't. I have anxiety about nearly every person I ever date in some form. Is this bad or abnormal? Will it pass? Perhaps I feel some pressure and it is still early dAys?
I am dating a wonderful, sweet, attentive man. He was my first boyfriend in middle school and my first kiss. It was sweet and innocent and we broke up on the phone with me in tears because I just liked him so much. We were always instantly attracted to one another. I saw him again in high school and he was instantly wanting to be together again and we were until he got caught up in some crazy stuff. Well, dealing pot and hanging with shady people. I knew he was so I let him go. We never saw each other after freshman year because he had to go to the new school that was built to control the growing population of students in our town.
Fast forward 10 years and I looked for him wondering whatever happened to so and so and decided to friend request him when I found him on Facebook. Little did I know it did not reach him because he had a girlfriend who checked his Facebook before he could get on and denied me and messaged me do you know my boyfriend before he could even know the request existed. A year later randomly one night he friend requested me and I was surprised. That girl was gone and we talked for the whole night. He called me and I called him to chat for hours leading up to the day we got dinner at his request. He had made a lot of mistakes in school but cleaned up his act upon choosing to go to military school. He was still kind, sweet, and attractive. I felt a very strong pull towards him. It all happened quick and before I knew it a week later he said he was in love with me. Cue anxiety. Lol
I have been looking for a good guy and healthy relationship for a long time. I had dated nice guys whom I could not reciprocate the feelings for but this one is different. The only thing is I feel like he loves me and is so infatuated by me and I love him but I am not infatuated. Sometimes, I need me time. Most of the time I love being with him but sometimes I need a nap, or a good night of sleep and find that he keeps me up or I get a bit irritated if he says let me call you one more time! Sometimes he is late to see me by an hour or two and that irritates me too. He just can't get enough of me but I need a night by myself when work gets tough and I am pooped. I worry that I should not feel this way and that something is wrong. Sometimes I think he is just a bit clingy but so am I and find myself clingy right back when he doesn't text me back for awhile.
I also dislike his past with drugs but he never did the hard ones so I am letting go. He has learned a lot and also he dated a girl for 4 years who was not good for him. He learned from that too. She had facial piercings and tattoos, 3 kids he paid the bills for and kept the lights on for though they were not his, she used and abused him, was a stripper on the side, and he suspected she was doing drugs when she would randomly run off at night. Oh and she was a felon 3 times over. I can't believe he thought it was good to stay with her but I know I have stayed in crap situations too. We also have slightly different politics. I am not political but he is republican and I am a democrat. I worried this would be bad but then I realized I have dated republicans in the past. Lol
basically I am so used to things effing up that I am terrified of truly opening my heart to him though I feel he deserves it. I need me time and feel guilty about it. He is always saying how much he loves me and sometimes I get overwhelmed though most of the time I feel so good and amazing. I could see us being married with kids and shit. I have doubts, is the problem. I keep thinking I am not normal, why am I so worried and dissecting? It is my nature to eat myself up over nothing. I know he has learned lessons, I trust him, my mom and sister love him... But why do I feel like he is so infatuated and I am looking at everything so pragmatically?
He doesn't have it all figured out and neither do I but I think he will figure it out, I am stuck on the what if? He is not a college graduate like my cold, unloving ex but I am finding his love and mine for him has nothing to do with a college degree. I want to stop dwelling on what ifs and enjoy my relationship and I can't. I have anxiety about nearly every person I ever date in some form. Is this bad or abnormal? Will it pass? Perhaps I feel some pressure and it is still early dAys?
2 months.
It sounds like he's moving really super fast and you are moving at a more normal pace.
That neediness and instant closeness is setting off little alarms in your brain because you know things. You know to be careful and not over-invest 2 months in. He doesn't seem to know that. I'd find that worrying too.
Take things at your own pace, if he can't handle that, that's a huge red flag.
posted by French Fry at 9:46 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like he's moving really super fast and you are moving at a more normal pace.
That neediness and instant closeness is setting off little alarms in your brain because you know things. You know to be careful and not over-invest 2 months in. He doesn't seem to know that. I'd find that worrying too.
Take things at your own pace, if he can't handle that, that's a huge red flag.
posted by French Fry at 9:46 AM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
It IS still early days. You haven't even dated for two months! Slow down your roll, for your sake and his. Give yourself a timeline, something like just dating and seeing how things go for six months before you even begin to start worrying about the future. You can't even know each other well yet! The point of dating is to see if you can enjoy each others' company and figure out stuff like how many nights a week you each need to yourself, etc. You might need at least a year before you have basic compatibilities figured out.
As someone who is also anxious, especially about relationship stuff, and didn't want to "lead someone on", it can be really hard to just go with the flow, see if you're still enjoying being around him usually, and let it be. Therapy was a huge help for me in figuring out what I wanted, what I was Really worried about, and whether relationships with specific people were good for me. It doesn't even have to be therapy for very long, and there might be something available through your work (EAP), or at low cost. Therapy has helped me be a better friend, a better partner, and a much happier person.
One thing I learned that I'll pass on to you: wanting alone time is totally ok. If you can't ask this guy for that, and/or he can't give it to you, take that as a red flag and back off.
posted by ldthomps at 9:52 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
As someone who is also anxious, especially about relationship stuff, and didn't want to "lead someone on", it can be really hard to just go with the flow, see if you're still enjoying being around him usually, and let it be. Therapy was a huge help for me in figuring out what I wanted, what I was Really worried about, and whether relationships with specific people were good for me. It doesn't even have to be therapy for very long, and there might be something available through your work (EAP), or at low cost. Therapy has helped me be a better friend, a better partner, and a much happier person.
One thing I learned that I'll pass on to you: wanting alone time is totally ok. If you can't ask this guy for that, and/or he can't give it to you, take that as a red flag and back off.
posted by ldthomps at 9:52 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
There are at least two questions that you're asking.
1) If I don't feel the same intensity that my partner feels toward me, does that mean I don't love him as much?
2) Should I be ashamed for not feeling the same intensity of love my partner does?
And to answer your questions:
A1) No, you just love him in a DIFFERENT WAY than he's demonstrating it. It's comparing apples and oranges. Some people are effusive, PDA, giddy, while others can express love or even lust at just a glance, the subtle body language... Snowflakes and all that.
A2) Absolutely not. As I said, apples and oranges.
Can't say about your anxiety, but it seems you're thinking too far about the future (i.e. way too much what-ifs)
Phil Zimbardo, famous researcher (look up "Stanford Prison Experiment") has a TED talk on our time sense. We need a balance of looking at the past for mistakes, at the present to deal with the here and now, and look toward the future for improvement.
Right now, you're not spending enough attention at the present, and too much at the past (I've been hurt) and in the future (what if...). I've seen people who ONLY look at the present (they can't plan more than a week ahead and seem to forget about any and all mistakes) and people who ONLY look at the past ("oh, my glory days!")
Try paying more attention to the present, i.e. your lover.
posted by kschang at 9:54 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
1) If I don't feel the same intensity that my partner feels toward me, does that mean I don't love him as much?
2) Should I be ashamed for not feeling the same intensity of love my partner does?
And to answer your questions:
A1) No, you just love him in a DIFFERENT WAY than he's demonstrating it. It's comparing apples and oranges. Some people are effusive, PDA, giddy, while others can express love or even lust at just a glance, the subtle body language... Snowflakes and all that.
A2) Absolutely not. As I said, apples and oranges.
Can't say about your anxiety, but it seems you're thinking too far about the future (i.e. way too much what-ifs)
Phil Zimbardo, famous researcher (look up "Stanford Prison Experiment") has a TED talk on our time sense. We need a balance of looking at the past for mistakes, at the present to deal with the here and now, and look toward the future for improvement.
Right now, you're not spending enough attention at the present, and too much at the past (I've been hurt) and in the future (what if...). I've seen people who ONLY look at the present (they can't plan more than a week ahead and seem to forget about any and all mistakes) and people who ONLY look at the past ("oh, my glory days!")
Try paying more attention to the present, i.e. your lover.
posted by kschang at 9:54 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Beware of staying with a guy because he smothers you with attention. It may feel like a welcome relief from men who didn't reciprocate your feelings in the past, but trust me, it isn't healthy. You want someone who understands that balance and me-time requirements for a good relationship. You should be able to tell him "I need to take a nap today" without him getting upset. Basically, you want to be with someone where there's balance in the amount of attention you're giving and receiving.
Some degree of anxiety is normal when dating, but if you find yourself so anxious that you can't enjoy the relationship during the honeymoon period, something is wrong.
Also, things you don't like about him -- "he doesn't have life figured out", past drug use, his politics.. and you seem to be making excuses or lowering your standards. I didn't see what it is you actually like about him.
If you aren't thrilled to be dating this guy, I think you should stop dating him.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:56 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Some degree of anxiety is normal when dating, but if you find yourself so anxious that you can't enjoy the relationship during the honeymoon period, something is wrong.
Also, things you don't like about him -- "he doesn't have life figured out", past drug use, his politics.. and you seem to be making excuses or lowering your standards. I didn't see what it is you actually like about him.
If you aren't thrilled to be dating this guy, I think you should stop dating him.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:56 AM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Here to add to the reassurance that it's totally fine to take things at your own pace. If he tries to rush things, slow him down gently to what feels right to you. If he's as into you as it sounds like he is, then he will respect what you need, and adjust gradually.
One thing though:
I also dislike his past with drugs but he never did the hard ones so I am letting go. He has learned a lot and also he dated a girl for 4 years who was not good for him. He learned from that too. She had facial piercings and tattoos, 3 kids he paid the bills for and kept the lights on for though they were not his, she used and abused him, was a stripper on the side, and he suspected she was doing drugs when she would randomly run off at night. Oh and she was a felon 3 times over. I can't believe he thought it was good to stay with her but I know I have stayed in crap situations too. We also have slightly different politics. I am not political but he is republican and I am a democrat. I worried this would be bad but then I realized I have dated republicans in the past. Lol
This made me feel really uncomfortable. Until then you sound like a pretty sorted human being, but you're being so judgey about his past, and his past relationships, that it sounds really jarring. So what if his ex has piercings and kids, since when are they character flaws? And I'd frankly rather date a stripper than an investment banker.
My point is, let him own his past. Whatever choices he made, part of learning to love him will be coming to understand how and why he made them. At the moment, you seem to want him to be the perfect kid you loved in middle school. He's not that kid anymore, and you're an older, more damaged but more wise person too. Get over that, and you might find it easier to see how you really feel about him.
posted by greenish at 9:57 AM on August 4, 2015 [21 favorites]
One thing though:
I also dislike his past with drugs but he never did the hard ones so I am letting go. He has learned a lot and also he dated a girl for 4 years who was not good for him. He learned from that too. She had facial piercings and tattoos, 3 kids he paid the bills for and kept the lights on for though they were not his, she used and abused him, was a stripper on the side, and he suspected she was doing drugs when she would randomly run off at night. Oh and she was a felon 3 times over. I can't believe he thought it was good to stay with her but I know I have stayed in crap situations too. We also have slightly different politics. I am not political but he is republican and I am a democrat. I worried this would be bad but then I realized I have dated republicans in the past. Lol
This made me feel really uncomfortable. Until then you sound like a pretty sorted human being, but you're being so judgey about his past, and his past relationships, that it sounds really jarring. So what if his ex has piercings and kids, since when are they character flaws? And I'd frankly rather date a stripper than an investment banker.
My point is, let him own his past. Whatever choices he made, part of learning to love him will be coming to understand how and why he made them. At the moment, you seem to want him to be the perfect kid you loved in middle school. He's not that kid anymore, and you're an older, more damaged but more wise person too. Get over that, and you might find it easier to see how you really feel about him.
posted by greenish at 9:57 AM on August 4, 2015 [21 favorites]
What it will take more time to figure out is if he really loves you, or if he's just absolutely giddy about how much his life suddenly does not totally suck now that he's with you and not the previous girlfriend. Give that some time. Nobody knows yet.
posted by Naberius at 10:05 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Naberius at 10:05 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Perhaps it's my personal way of seeing the world but even for a 'non-political' person, there is a huge gap between republican & democrat world views. Particularly how radically different current-day republicans align compared to old-style republicans. (Reagan, the SOB, wouldn't even qualify as an R anymore. Bi-party relationships are certainly possible but to me, it is a big open question for a new relationship. Something to ponder. Take it easy. What's the hurry?
posted by lois1950 at 11:42 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by lois1950 at 11:42 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel like almost everyone skipped over this guy's life and dating history. HE'S A MESS.
Girl, don't date this guy. He's lying about at least some of his personal choices, and he's definitely moving fast because he's trying to manipulate you.
Maybe you're more together than he is? Maybe you make more money? Maybe your background would lend him societal respectability??
I think you should run far far away from this drama and catastrophe, but that's only because I've been through it. There's little to nothing about your story that equals Good Relationship Foundation. Too much drama and weirdness. People with his life choices definitely are wrapped up with drugs. C'mon! Just the claims of innocence and naïveté around hanging with drug dealers and strippers sets off alarm bells (no offense meant to sex workers or strippers - it's just his story there blaming EVERYTHING on his ex who happens to be a stripper is really too convenient, and therefore unbelievable.)
Nothing this guy says makes sense (oh, star-crossed lovers! his mean ex got in between you via Facebook! but now you're together despite everything!!) is utter and total bullshit, and you shouldn't fall for it.
This guy is a walking pile of trouble, and you should not let him into your life.
Run, girl. You're in danger. This is not the backstory of a healthy relationship or worthwhile partner. Run.
posted by jbenben at 11:47 AM on August 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Girl, don't date this guy. He's lying about at least some of his personal choices, and he's definitely moving fast because he's trying to manipulate you.
Maybe you're more together than he is? Maybe you make more money? Maybe your background would lend him societal respectability??
I think you should run far far away from this drama and catastrophe, but that's only because I've been through it. There's little to nothing about your story that equals Good Relationship Foundation. Too much drama and weirdness. People with his life choices definitely are wrapped up with drugs. C'mon! Just the claims of innocence and naïveté around hanging with drug dealers and strippers sets off alarm bells (no offense meant to sex workers or strippers - it's just his story there blaming EVERYTHING on his ex who happens to be a stripper is really too convenient, and therefore unbelievable.)
Nothing this guy says makes sense (oh, star-crossed lovers! his mean ex got in between you via Facebook! but now you're together despite everything!!) is utter and total bullshit, and you shouldn't fall for it.
This guy is a walking pile of trouble, and you should not let him into your life.
Run, girl. You're in danger. This is not the backstory of a healthy relationship or worthwhile partner. Run.
posted by jbenben at 11:47 AM on August 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Mod note: Several comments deleted. Chelsaroo650, AskMe isn't a place for open-ended discussion or processing. The way it works here is, you ask your question and then you can mark the answers that are most useful and ignore the ones that aren't useful. If your question is really more of a "let's all discuss my relationship" thing, then it doesn't belong on AskMetafilter in the first place.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:58 PM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:58 PM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you are feeling anxiety because this man sounds suffocating.
I felt a very strong pull towards him. It all happened quick and before I knew it a week later he said he was in love with me.
You've just reconnected after 10 years of not speaking and he's saying he's in love with you after a week?! You last spoke in freshman year of high school--you're essentially strangers now. That's a huge red flag, in my opinion. I don't believe his dating history is much of a concern on its own, but paired with this information, it is very troubling.
I'd advise that you draw very firm boundaries with him. If he does not respect them, then I'd cut your losses and stop dating him.
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 12:58 PM on August 4, 2015
I felt a very strong pull towards him. It all happened quick and before I knew it a week later he said he was in love with me.
You've just reconnected after 10 years of not speaking and he's saying he's in love with you after a week?! You last spoke in freshman year of high school--you're essentially strangers now. That's a huge red flag, in my opinion. I don't believe his dating history is much of a concern on its own, but paired with this information, it is very troubling.
I'd advise that you draw very firm boundaries with him. If he does not respect them, then I'd cut your losses and stop dating him.
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 12:58 PM on August 4, 2015
I don't so much have a problem with his dating history as i think it's weird you already know that much about his ex two months in. Dude sounds like an oversharer trying to essentially force jump-start emotional intimacy by dumping a ton of his most personal details on you.
Also, it sets up this weird tension and expectation of "well i shared all my secrets, where's yours?" of basically trying to guilt you into opening up.
It's both a bit manipulative, and just dumping a lot of emotional garbage on you.
At 2 months in i don't even know if i had really talked about my exes with my partner, other than that yea, i dated someone previously and we had broken up like a year beforehand. Maybe i had mentioned her name? Might have mentioned it was amicable, and we still talked online occasionally although she had moved out of town.
I feel like that's a pretty normal level of that kind of thing at 2 months unless you ask about it. Knowing all those weird details already just strikes me as some kind of weird forced intimacy dump and weird boundaries.
posted by emptythought at 1:31 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, it sets up this weird tension and expectation of "well i shared all my secrets, where's yours?" of basically trying to guilt you into opening up.
It's both a bit manipulative, and just dumping a lot of emotional garbage on you.
At 2 months in i don't even know if i had really talked about my exes with my partner, other than that yea, i dated someone previously and we had broken up like a year beforehand. Maybe i had mentioned her name? Might have mentioned it was amicable, and we still talked online occasionally although she had moved out of town.
I feel like that's a pretty normal level of that kind of thing at 2 months unless you ask about it. Knowing all those weird details already just strikes me as some kind of weird forced intimacy dump and weird boundaries.
posted by emptythought at 1:31 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you aren't feeling the feelings, then you might want to scale back a bit. Are you exclusive? There are many people out there.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:33 PM on August 4, 2015
posted by Ironmouth at 1:33 PM on August 4, 2015
I worry that I should not feel this way and that something is wrong.
You do not have to do this to yourself.
Our patriarchal, f'ed up society teaches us, as women, that our emotions are inherently irrational and unreliable, and that we can't trust what we feel. (Crazily, it does this while also making us responsible for the emotional care and feeding of everyone around us.) And it's absolute bull.
Out emotions are, basically, an expert system that allows us to synthesize our lived experience, our principles, and our knowledge of ourselves, others, and the world in order to make quick and efficient decisions and assessments. We need our emotions, and when we start to discount them, we risk doing ourselves lasting damage.
It's true that sometimes our emotions get miscalibrated and need to be realligned, but that should not be the first cause you look at for emotional disharmony. Don't worry that something's wrong with *you* because your feelings don't match his. Instead, look openly and honestly at the differences in your ways of being, of having a relationship, and of treating each other. And if you're not comfortable with the way he does those things, you have a right to say it, to own it, to act on it, and to have it respected. And if he can't deal with that, it's his problem.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:54 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
You do not have to do this to yourself.
Our patriarchal, f'ed up society teaches us, as women, that our emotions are inherently irrational and unreliable, and that we can't trust what we feel. (Crazily, it does this while also making us responsible for the emotional care and feeding of everyone around us.) And it's absolute bull.
Out emotions are, basically, an expert system that allows us to synthesize our lived experience, our principles, and our knowledge of ourselves, others, and the world in order to make quick and efficient decisions and assessments. We need our emotions, and when we start to discount them, we risk doing ourselves lasting damage.
It's true that sometimes our emotions get miscalibrated and need to be realligned, but that should not be the first cause you look at for emotional disharmony. Don't worry that something's wrong with *you* because your feelings don't match his. Instead, look openly and honestly at the differences in your ways of being, of having a relationship, and of treating each other. And if you're not comfortable with the way he does those things, you have a right to say it, to own it, to act on it, and to have it respected. And if he can't deal with that, it's his problem.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:54 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am terrified of truly opening my heart to him though I feel he deserves it. I need me time and feel guilty about it.
Uh, the reason for opening your heart to him is NOT because "he deserves it". Open your heart when you decide YOU need to do that. Your heart is not a vending machine.
posted by feral_goldfish at 3:06 PM on August 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
Uh, the reason for opening your heart to him is NOT because "he deserves it". Open your heart when you decide YOU need to do that. Your heart is not a vending machine.
posted by feral_goldfish at 3:06 PM on August 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was struck by your phrasing, Chelsaroo650, so I took a look at your question history, and I'm going to make an observation and then a suggestion.
In about a year's span, you've asked over 10 questions about (different) relationship problems and they're all variations on the theme that the bf at the time isn't acting how you want him to act. Again and again, you go into great detail about how they're inattentive/unkind/too attentive/whatever, but what I'm trying to say is that you seem to find yourself in relationships that clearly aren't working for you. That's my observation.
My suggestion is that you take a break from dating and get some competent help to figure out what's going on. I mean this kindly when I say that you seem to really lack a sense of self, you "find" yourself in relationships where you're unhappy and need AskMe's help to sort things out, and then a few months later the cycle repeats with a new boyfriend.
I don't think the issue at hand is this man in particular; I think, based on your posting history, that you aren't ready to date right now and would really benefit from talking to someone.
posted by kinetic at 5:17 PM on August 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
In about a year's span, you've asked over 10 questions about (different) relationship problems and they're all variations on the theme that the bf at the time isn't acting how you want him to act. Again and again, you go into great detail about how they're inattentive/unkind/too attentive/whatever, but what I'm trying to say is that you seem to find yourself in relationships that clearly aren't working for you. That's my observation.
My suggestion is that you take a break from dating and get some competent help to figure out what's going on. I mean this kindly when I say that you seem to really lack a sense of self, you "find" yourself in relationships where you're unhappy and need AskMe's help to sort things out, and then a few months later the cycle repeats with a new boyfriend.
I don't think the issue at hand is this man in particular; I think, based on your posting history, that you aren't ready to date right now and would really benefit from talking to someone.
posted by kinetic at 5:17 PM on August 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Just judging by the title of your question, "Fear in opening myself to a good man in a good relationship?", I think you are doing a lot of wishful thinking here.
Is he really a good man? You have only known him for two months. What are you basing your assessment on? Is it because you still remember him as a middle-schooler? He has lived a lot of life since then and you don't know enough about him now to judge his current character.
Is it really a good relationship? You talk about how you don't have enough alone time now that you are dating and how he is often late to see you. You seem uncomfortable with the pace at which he is moving things along, but too afraid to say it outright (which is really the core of your question). It is like you are trying to stifle those uncomfortable feelings. You also seem uncomfortable with his recent history, but are holding back your own opinions on that also, based on the laundry list of things you mentioned about his past.
The picture you are painting with this question is that you are needing help in throwing caution to the wind and choosing to love a man you once had schoolgirl feelings for a long time ago. You don't know much about him now, but what you do know about him makes you vaguely uncomfortable. You just want to get over those niggling doubts so you can cross the threshold into the happiness, comfort, and emotional security.
I think you are not scared of opening yourself to a "good" man in a "good" relationship, but instead are scared of having no man and no relationship. Wanting someone to love and care about is a very human feeling, but throwing your love at people and seeing where it sticks is a terrible strategy.
Maybe this relationship could work out in time, maybe it couldn't, but you need to be honest with him and with yourself. Need some alone time? You have to tell him. He is stifling you? This is your life, not his, and you have to be your best advocate or someone's going to try and take advantage.
I trust him
Trust is something that should be hard-won for it to mean anything. Would you trust a stranger who wandered in from off the street with your wallet? Why would you trust a man who just wandered back into your life, after so many years, with your heart? I am worried for you that you trust this man already and seem to have so little trust in yourself and in your intuition.
You are not as infatuated with him as he is with you, I think, because deep down you see the truth, you just don't want to believe it.
posted by sevenofspades at 6:43 PM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Is he really a good man? You have only known him for two months. What are you basing your assessment on? Is it because you still remember him as a middle-schooler? He has lived a lot of life since then and you don't know enough about him now to judge his current character.
Is it really a good relationship? You talk about how you don't have enough alone time now that you are dating and how he is often late to see you. You seem uncomfortable with the pace at which he is moving things along, but too afraid to say it outright (which is really the core of your question). It is like you are trying to stifle those uncomfortable feelings. You also seem uncomfortable with his recent history, but are holding back your own opinions on that also, based on the laundry list of things you mentioned about his past.
The picture you are painting with this question is that you are needing help in throwing caution to the wind and choosing to love a man you once had schoolgirl feelings for a long time ago. You don't know much about him now, but what you do know about him makes you vaguely uncomfortable. You just want to get over those niggling doubts so you can cross the threshold into the happiness, comfort, and emotional security.
I think you are not scared of opening yourself to a "good" man in a "good" relationship, but instead are scared of having no man and no relationship. Wanting someone to love and care about is a very human feeling, but throwing your love at people and seeing where it sticks is a terrible strategy.
Maybe this relationship could work out in time, maybe it couldn't, but you need to be honest with him and with yourself. Need some alone time? You have to tell him. He is stifling you? This is your life, not his, and you have to be your best advocate or someone's going to try and take advantage.
I trust him
Trust is something that should be hard-won for it to mean anything. Would you trust a stranger who wandered in from off the street with your wallet? Why would you trust a man who just wandered back into your life, after so many years, with your heart? I am worried for you that you trust this man already and seem to have so little trust in yourself and in your intuition.
You are not as infatuated with him as he is with you, I think, because deep down you see the truth, you just don't want to believe it.
posted by sevenofspades at 6:43 PM on August 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
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Because, to be blunt, you are a grown up and he is not. Hooray for you! Boo for him. Grownups know that 2 months is nothing, it's absolutely the easiest thing in the world to be gaga about someone after 2 months, but it doesn't mean anything when you are.
Sometimes, I need me time. Most of the time I love being with him but sometimes I need a nap, or a good night of sleep and find that he keeps me up or I get a bit irritated if he says let me call you one more time! Sometimes he is late to see me by an hour or two and that irritates me too. He just can't get enough of me but I need a night by myself when work gets tough and I am pooped.
Again, this is because you're a grown up and know how to be an individual and live a life that is healthy for you. Grown ups need space to themselves, grown ups need to manage their health and their rest. Grown-up relationships have room for all of this stuff, guilt-free.
Unfortunately, now that you're a grown up, You're going to find it hard to be infatuated with people who behave like children in relationships. Which he is doing. But luckily, now that you're a grown up, you can approach this in a grown up way, by having a talk with him. Tell him you're anxious that things are moving far too fast for your comfort; that you need your space and you are going to take it; that he will need to respect your needs.
How he responds to that will be very telling, but I imagine that if he responds happily and lovingly, and begins to give you the breathing room you ask for, that you'll find yourself feeling MUCH more infatuated with him before long. If he responds like a jerk, well...you'll know that you were right to feel anxious and put on the brakes...and look at you, with your good instincts!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:45 AM on August 4, 2015 [11 favorites]