How do I tactfully alert friends about upcoming surgery
August 3, 2015 10:12 AM Subscribe
Not just surgery, but a hysterectomy due to a diagnosis of endometrial adenocarcinoma. Yup; that. I'm specifically talking about Facebook friends. What's a good straightforward, non-maudlin way of announcing this? I do want to get the information out there, the why as well as the what. But I don't want to come across as "oh pity me." What would you do?
A friend who is SUPER open and direct about a variety of things threw herself a Farewell To My Uterus party. There was one original post with some of the medical details, an event page for the party, and then follow up status updates to let us know when she was out of surgery. She's also been posting about the boredom of six weeks of recovery time.
Don't forget you can also use friend lists if you want to share things with some people you don't want, say, your grandmother to know.
posted by MsMolly at 10:28 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't forget you can also use friend lists if you want to share things with some people you don't want, say, your grandmother to know.
posted by MsMolly at 10:28 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had to write this kind of email before - obv this depends heavily on your personality. Here's a paraphrase of what I wrote:
(1) Fact - I have endometrial cancer.
(2) My future - I will be undergoing surgery on DATE with followup treatment (chemo? drugs?). My prognosis is very good (or not good if that is the case).
(3) Assurance - Obviously this is a shock, but I am in the hands of an amazing medical team - they have my full trust/confidence
(5) Care team - my amazing spouse/parent/child is going to be helping me recover - So and So Rocks!
(6) What they can do - "Please send your prayers/good thoughts my way on Date - and I'll keep y'all updated!"
Basically my approach was to factually and clearly convey the seriousness of the matter, but that it was as under control as possible
Also, please do remember to follow-up in the same medium if possible! After the surgery I emailed about, I forgot to update people for a couple of days (I was the caretaker, not the patient) and I made a few people quite worried.
posted by muddgirl at 10:31 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
(1) Fact - I have endometrial cancer.
(2) My future - I will be undergoing surgery on DATE with followup treatment (chemo? drugs?). My prognosis is very good (or not good if that is the case).
(3) Assurance - Obviously this is a shock, but I am in the hands of an amazing medical team - they have my full trust/confidence
(5) Care team - my amazing spouse/parent/child is going to be helping me recover - So and So Rocks!
(6) What they can do - "Please send your prayers/good thoughts my way on Date - and I'll keep y'all updated!"
Basically my approach was to factually and clearly convey the seriousness of the matter, but that it was as under control as possible
Also, please do remember to follow-up in the same medium if possible! After the surgery I emailed about, I forgot to update people for a couple of days (I was the caretaker, not the patient) and I made a few people quite worried.
posted by muddgirl at 10:31 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is what I did.
And then because I am weird I used a timed posting service and tweeted the entire time I was in surgery.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:35 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
And then because I am weird I used a timed posting service and tweeted the entire time I was in surgery.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:35 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My experience: If you can find words that convey the what in a way that is accurate and truthful but does not strongly signal to people that "I'm gonna die!", that goes better. So if you can just say something like "I will be having a hysterectomy because... my doctor found a tumor" or "...a biopsy came back positive" or some other truthful, accurate description of events that does not obscure the fact that it is cancer but also, if possible, does not use the precise diagnosis, that will minimize the strong reactions. Some folks will be fine if you actually use the word cancer and some won't be. But I would avoid saying endometrial adenocarcinoma.
I would handle it that way because most people will not really know what that means in any substantial way other than "Sounds Deadly!" So if you aren't trying to convey "I'm gonna die!", the exact diagnosis can just open a huge can of worms where you have to do a lot of educating in order for it to become meaningful information and effective communication. If that sounds exhausting, then use other words to convey the core idea -- surgery due to cancer/surgery due to health event -- and try to avoid being too pedantic about the precise diagnosis.
Keep it brief. If you feel some need to do a preventive strike re big reactions, say something like "Thank you in advance for understanding that I am very busy right now and may not have time to discuss this further." In other words, find a way to thank them for good behavior you desire/expect rather than scold them for bothering you and also chalk it up to time pressure, not how overwhelmed you are and not how big a crisis this is.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 10:40 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would handle it that way because most people will not really know what that means in any substantial way other than "Sounds Deadly!" So if you aren't trying to convey "I'm gonna die!", the exact diagnosis can just open a huge can of worms where you have to do a lot of educating in order for it to become meaningful information and effective communication. If that sounds exhausting, then use other words to convey the core idea -- surgery due to cancer/surgery due to health event -- and try to avoid being too pedantic about the precise diagnosis.
Keep it brief. If you feel some need to do a preventive strike re big reactions, say something like "Thank you in advance for understanding that I am very busy right now and may not have time to discuss this further." In other words, find a way to thank them for good behavior you desire/expect rather than scold them for bothering you and also chalk it up to time pressure, not how overwhelmed you are and not how big a crisis this is.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 10:40 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just say it, however you feel comfortable saying it. Be straightforward and state the facts, be emotional, whatever you want. You can't control how people will react to this sort of thing and it will probably be weirdly entertaining for you over the next several weeks and months to observe how different people process it in wildly different ways. I got a huge gamut of responses. Only one person called sobbing and incoherent and had to later be told to stop being overdramatic and bothering me with her trauma every second. Only one rando "friend" I never even spoke to in high school started messaging me weird sympathy stuff all the time. Most of the people close to you will know you well enough to react appropriately.
Anyway, here's what I wrote to announce my cancer, if it helps. I announced the news and then couched it in some various "it's not necessarily the end of the world" kind of stuff.
Hello, facebook friends. I have breast cancer. Many of you know already, and for those who don't, well, I'm finding it a lot easier to have it in the open as it seems to make it realer, so now the rest of you get to know, too. I found out on Wednesday. I am having surgery on Thursday and then chemo and radiation and the whole nine yards. It is going to suck a lot. I am going to be a bald lady for a while. But hopefully not forever.
I have the best husband I could possibly ask for (sorry, all other husbands) and sweet cats who genuinely lift my spirits even though one of them is an epileptic jerk. I have a wonderful family and friends, many of whom have had to be repeatedly talked down from immediately jumping on a plane or in the car. I have an absolutely incredible employer who provides excellent insurance and is going to treat me like a family member through this entire thing. If I have to have cancer, I am in a pretty good situation for it all around.
But yeah. It blows.
posted by something something at 10:43 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Anyway, here's what I wrote to announce my cancer, if it helps. I announced the news and then couched it in some various "it's not necessarily the end of the world" kind of stuff.
Hello, facebook friends. I have breast cancer. Many of you know already, and for those who don't, well, I'm finding it a lot easier to have it in the open as it seems to make it realer, so now the rest of you get to know, too. I found out on Wednesday. I am having surgery on Thursday and then chemo and radiation and the whole nine yards. It is going to suck a lot. I am going to be a bald lady for a while. But hopefully not forever.
I have the best husband I could possibly ask for (sorry, all other husbands) and sweet cats who genuinely lift my spirits even though one of them is an epileptic jerk. I have a wonderful family and friends, many of whom have had to be repeatedly talked down from immediately jumping on a plane or in the car. I have an absolutely incredible employer who provides excellent insurance and is going to treat me like a family member through this entire thing. If I have to have cancer, I am in a pretty good situation for it all around.
But yeah. It blows.
posted by something something at 10:43 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well that sucks for you and I hope everything goes well.
I would go a bit farther than Michelle in California. When people hear the C word they're going to be terrified that the D word is not far behind. Of course, they know that often people are often successfully treated for cancer and it goes away and is never hard from again. But still, the C word is scary. And, of course, they can't ask. There's no way you can ask.
;So don't make them ask and don't leave them wondering. If the expected outcome is that you will be fine, say so. "That sounds scary, but my doctors say that the surgery should remove all the cancer and after a few weeks/months/whatever of recovery, I should be healthy again."
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:01 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would go a bit farther than Michelle in California. When people hear the C word they're going to be terrified that the D word is not far behind. Of course, they know that often people are often successfully treated for cancer and it goes away and is never hard from again. But still, the C word is scary. And, of course, they can't ask. There's no way you can ask.
;So don't make them ask and don't leave them wondering. If the expected outcome is that you will be fine, say so. "That sounds scary, but my doctors say that the surgery should remove all the cancer and after a few weeks/months/whatever of recovery, I should be healthy again."
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:01 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have a deadly, chronic, incurable condition. When it acts up, I deeply resent the expectation that I should be doing emotional labor to make sure other people feel okay and feel reassured that I am okay when the reality is that I suffer quite a lot and most folks do not really care about my suffering. They only care about their personal emotional discomfort. Having done a lot of that over the years under circumstances where death would have been welcome relief from my suffering, I no longer do that. I handle it as a PR matter. Yes, people need to know what's up and I do dole out info so they have the information they actually need. But I long ago came to terms with my mortality. If death is still a boogieman in their eyes, that is not my problem and it pisses me off when people try to make it my problem while I puke my guts out in agony.
The script I gave makes their emotional reaction their problem. It does so very intentionally and deliberately. It minimizes the emphasis on death but if someone is going to have a cow over the fact I might die in spite of me deemphasizing that fact, they can get therapy or write emo poetry or whatever the fuck they want to do. I am busy keeping myself alive and dealing with their emotional shit is only going to undermine my ability to focus on actually surviving my latest crisis.
In my experience, if you attempt at this time to reassure everyone and make their emotional reactions your problem, they will continue to harangue you for feel good reassurances until you want them dead. So I just do not think that is a good precedent to set if you actually want to focus on getting through this and getting well again. The "Thank you for understanding I am too busy to discuss this" is specifically intended to justify me ignoring the billion and one messages haranguing me for reassurance and bleeding me for emotional labor while I lay at death's door so I am less tempted to burn a bunch of bridges by telling them what I REALLY think of their shitty behavior.
YMMV and best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 11:30 AM on August 3, 2015 [21 favorites]
The script I gave makes their emotional reaction their problem. It does so very intentionally and deliberately. It minimizes the emphasis on death but if someone is going to have a cow over the fact I might die in spite of me deemphasizing that fact, they can get therapy or write emo poetry or whatever the fuck they want to do. I am busy keeping myself alive and dealing with their emotional shit is only going to undermine my ability to focus on actually surviving my latest crisis.
In my experience, if you attempt at this time to reassure everyone and make their emotional reactions your problem, they will continue to harangue you for feel good reassurances until you want them dead. So I just do not think that is a good precedent to set if you actually want to focus on getting through this and getting well again. The "Thank you for understanding I am too busy to discuss this" is specifically intended to justify me ignoring the billion and one messages haranguing me for reassurance and bleeding me for emotional labor while I lay at death's door so I am less tempted to burn a bunch of bridges by telling them what I REALLY think of their shitty behavior.
YMMV and best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 11:30 AM on August 3, 2015 [21 favorites]
I wouldn't tell them at all. I might say afterwards, I took a break from facebook. If you think about it; telling them won't do you any good, before or after. It is difficult going through what you are going through with out an audience who wants updates and reassurances. Go through it, take some time, feel better, and realize turning your self inside out publicly is exhausting and unnecessary.
posted by Oyéah at 12:54 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 12:54 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: " I deeply resent the expectation that I should be doing emotional labor to make sure other people feel okay and feel reassured..."
Michele, we could be sisters! I'm not familiar with the concept of emotional labor (will google like mad) but what you express is completely me.
I do plan to add a caveat that I do not want to read or hear about anyone else's hysto. People have a ghoulish need to emphasize the worst, in a misguided attempt to "empathize." Fuck that. You're given me permission to cut 'em off at the knees.
Thanks very much for the responses! I'll post what I come up with Wednesday eve.
posted by BostonTerrier at 1:33 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Michele, we could be sisters! I'm not familiar with the concept of emotional labor (will google like mad) but what you express is completely me.
I do plan to add a caveat that I do not want to read or hear about anyone else's hysto. People have a ghoulish need to emphasize the worst, in a misguided attempt to "empathize." Fuck that. You're given me permission to cut 'em off at the knees.
Thanks very much for the responses! I'll post what I come up with Wednesday eve.
posted by BostonTerrier at 1:33 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
No need to google like mad. It is all over Metafilter. Start here and keep yourself occupied during your recovery.
posted by Michele in California at 2:02 PM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Michele in California at 2:02 PM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
what Oyéah said.
i struggled with what to tell folks ahead of time when i had a hysterectomy a couple years ago. i finally settled on only telling the folks who really needed to know (spouse, mother, boss, coworkers who would be directly affected by my three week absence), and it all worked out fine.
hope your surgery was as easy as mine was and that you come through it with flying colors.
posted by hollisimo at 4:24 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
i struggled with what to tell folks ahead of time when i had a hysterectomy a couple years ago. i finally settled on only telling the folks who really needed to know (spouse, mother, boss, coworkers who would be directly affected by my three week absence), and it all worked out fine.
hope your surgery was as easy as mine was and that you come through it with flying colors.
posted by hollisimo at 4:24 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
One way to reduce the amount of people contacting you directly is to have a press secretary. Do you have a close friend or SO who can do the announcement for you? Most people will take the hint and reply to them.
posted by kjs4 at 8:35 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kjs4 at 8:35 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I had a friend have a double mastectomy which she described as 'A radical weight loss plan of removing both my breasts and the cancer attached to them'
I don't remember her exact wording but her message basically said 'pity and apologies and well wishes won't be accepted. Housework, food and coffee will be'
She still had a few maudlin aunties, but that might be incurable.
posted by French Fry at 8:14 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't remember her exact wording but her message basically said 'pity and apologies and well wishes won't be accepted. Housework, food and coffee will be'
She still had a few maudlin aunties, but that might be incurable.
posted by French Fry at 8:14 AM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Here's my final draft:
Hi, Facebook friends,
This Friday I’m scheduled for surgery at Spectrum Hospital. I’m having a full hysterectomy due to a recent diagnosis of endometrial cancer, stage one. I’ll be in the hospital for four or five days.
Yes, it sucks big time, but we’re catching it early and my surgeon rocks. I’m hoping it’s early enough to avoid chemo and radiation, but I won’t know that for sure until later this month.
The biggest pain in the ass will be the weeks of recovery time, which means a big loss of income for me. Oh, I do hate that. The perils of self-employment, I guess!
Do me a favor: please do not share with me your hysterectomy stories. I don’t want to hear about it. I’m expecting smooth sailing, and I want you all to expect the same.
Of course, my sweetie husband Mr. Terrier will be right there with me, as soon as I’m out of the ether fog. He will keep you posted about my room number, etc.
This is not an adventure I was expecting, but an adventure it will be. I will keep you all informed from my bed like an on-the-scene reporter.
And, need I add? Hooray for affordable health care!
Soon to be cancer-less, Boston Terrier
posted by BostonTerrier at 5:58 AM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hi, Facebook friends,
This Friday I’m scheduled for surgery at Spectrum Hospital. I’m having a full hysterectomy due to a recent diagnosis of endometrial cancer, stage one. I’ll be in the hospital for four or five days.
Yes, it sucks big time, but we’re catching it early and my surgeon rocks. I’m hoping it’s early enough to avoid chemo and radiation, but I won’t know that for sure until later this month.
The biggest pain in the ass will be the weeks of recovery time, which means a big loss of income for me. Oh, I do hate that. The perils of self-employment, I guess!
Do me a favor: please do not share with me your hysterectomy stories. I don’t want to hear about it. I’m expecting smooth sailing, and I want you all to expect the same.
Of course, my sweetie husband Mr. Terrier will be right there with me, as soon as I’m out of the ether fog. He will keep you posted about my room number, etc.
This is not an adventure I was expecting, but an adventure it will be. I will keep you all informed from my bed like an on-the-scene reporter.
And, need I add? Hooray for affordable health care!
Soon to be cancer-less, Boston Terrier
posted by BostonTerrier at 5:58 AM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
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posted by phunniemee at 10:22 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]