Embarrassing parents – encouragement please!
August 3, 2015 8:55 AM Subscribe
My parents are kind of difficult, and haven't been great parents to me. I find them embarrassing in some ways ( I feel terrible saying that but it’s true). How to navigate feeling insecure about them in front of my boyfriend, and the temptation to act insecure and pissy and create issues in my current relationship because of this? Would be great to hear reassurance from people who've gotten over their partner's difficult or embarrassing parents and loved them anyway, or from those who have difficult parents but haven't let it affect their wonderful relationship. Complicated by other issues (mostly cancer-related) – more inside!
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now. He had a v close relationship with his ex’s parents (was kind of a part of the family, and had the opportunity to see them a lot I think). He was with her for six years, and family does mean a lot to him. Fast forward to going out with me, and six months in I still hadn’t introduced him even though they live in the same city (granted, the other side) and he was making noises about me meeting his (they live 3.5 hours away) soon (he’d tried to set up a meeting earlier that year but they couldn’t stay in town for long enough). This was partly because I wanted us to be really established before his image of me was influenced by my parents, who I find not-very-nice and embarrassing in some ways.
Then, he got diagnosed with fairly late-stage bowel cancer, which was big. I was introduced to his parents that week – went to stay with them for four days in fact – and since then have seen them a fair amount. We get on fairly well, though obviously it was a slightly strange context to meet them in. They're generally functional, emotionally intelligent and interested in what I have to say - the opposite to my parents.
Due to it being ridiculously busy since my boyfriend got diagnosed, and him being really ill on chemo, plus the worries I had that he'd judge me on them, he just met mine last night – and it didn’t go too well. As if I need more stress, I’m starting to feel really insecure that my parent’s aren’t ‘good enough’ – I’ve become more worried about this as I get older, for several reasons, and I hope I don’t sound nasty or snobbish when I say them.
Neither of my parents had an education past 14. My dad is a manual labourer, who drinks a lot, and swears alot. My mum never really had a job – she got pregnant young and had four of us over many years. On the other hand, I went to an Oxbridge university, have a great job and speak very differently to them. This is a little weird for people who are meeting them for the first time I think, even though I do tend to joke about it beforehand so they know (in a nice way). I think this is because I hang out in totally different social circles to the ones that I grew up in (and I don't want to sound like a snob, but had I continued to hang out in them I would have definitely been much less happy right now just because they were really rough and I was already breaking the law etc and generally not being very clever with my life).
I'm generally the black sheep of the family and often the subject of mild, but constant piss-taking, because I'm different. One one hand they love that I've been succcessful; on the other I think they feel like my life is so alien they can't be bothered to find out what it entails.
They're also both seemingly unable to talk about anything beyond day to day chat anyway, or support me. I've never leaned on them emotionally, and have learnt I never will be able to (when I told my mum I was sexually abused as a child she said it wasnt her fault and just stared through me. I had to ask for a hug. Same goes for when I was sick - I had to shout and cry to get her to visit me).
Me and my parents want to talk about completely different things. They’re generally angry, and want to talk about politics (which they don’t know much about but still want to be angry about – throwing in a bit of casual racism too), their latest bargains from the pound shop, who’s died recently and how angry they are at…whatever. I don’t want to engage with most of this as it’s needlessly negative or just plain boring.
Neither of them are remotely really interested in what’s going on with me. They don’t really know what I do, or try to understand, and if they ask how work’s going they straight away just stare blankly through me and go back to the television if I actually try and go beyond ‘okay’ or ‘not that well’ or whatever. They tend to criticise me a lot for superficial things (like the fact that I was untidy growing up), but very little interest in my achievements over than how much money I might be making.
I do love them dearly and they’re both kind people underneath it all (if dysfunctional – my dad has a drinking problem and my mum has been depressed and angry for as long as I’ve known her). So I would love for them to get on with my boyfriend and for things to be okay.
But I introduced him to them last night and it was just so awkward. I think they were feeling awkward about the cancer and didn’t know what to say which made things much worse. They didn’t ask my boyfriend one question all night – just spoke over him and through him about inane stuff like how much the fudge cake cost. And he has a LOT to say and has a really interesting background / job (okay, he’s not working right now but up until recently) he could talk about. My sister’s boyfriend made a racist comment. My dad seemed extremely standoffish and wouldn’t even look at him.
I think my boyfriend was really disappointed and embarrassed for me, as he was extra nice afterwards. But I’m worried that behind it all he’s judging me for the way they behaved and the way they are. I know that if I’m going to stay in a nice relationship with someone from a more functional world (which also happens to be middle-class) I need to not be embarrassed about my parents. I’ve been seeing a therapist for three years and working through some of the consequences of growing up with them but one of the biggest is bad self-esteem, and the fact that this meeting was so embarrassing kind of confirmed my worst fears about him meeting them.
I’m now worried I’m going to go into a big tailspin of insecurity and start acting weird and like I’m not ‘good enough’ with my boyfriend, which will eventually lead to him feeling like that anyway. I can already feel myself imagining him judging them negatively and comparing them to his ex girlfriend's parents, and I just feel so inadequate. It's difficult not to let those fears, and the angry from them, come through into our relationship!
I feel lonely enough not having a family I feel a can relate to. It feels a little like my boyfriend could be my new family, if things worked out. I feel guilty for ‘leaving them behind’ in my mind but I feel like it’s an important part of growing into the person I want to be (my therapist thinks this too – he reckons that a lot of my emotional difficulties come from feeling guilty for striving for different things and happiness when my parents don’t have them, so I create obstacles for myself so I don't 'betray' my parents.)
Can anyone relate? Would love to hear stories of anyone who’s partner had embarrassing or difficult parents but they loved them anyway and things were okay, or indeed from those that got over difficult relationships with parents to have functional relationships as adults where parents didn't really matter anyway.
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now. He had a v close relationship with his ex’s parents (was kind of a part of the family, and had the opportunity to see them a lot I think). He was with her for six years, and family does mean a lot to him. Fast forward to going out with me, and six months in I still hadn’t introduced him even though they live in the same city (granted, the other side) and he was making noises about me meeting his (they live 3.5 hours away) soon (he’d tried to set up a meeting earlier that year but they couldn’t stay in town for long enough). This was partly because I wanted us to be really established before his image of me was influenced by my parents, who I find not-very-nice and embarrassing in some ways.
Then, he got diagnosed with fairly late-stage bowel cancer, which was big. I was introduced to his parents that week – went to stay with them for four days in fact – and since then have seen them a fair amount. We get on fairly well, though obviously it was a slightly strange context to meet them in. They're generally functional, emotionally intelligent and interested in what I have to say - the opposite to my parents.
Due to it being ridiculously busy since my boyfriend got diagnosed, and him being really ill on chemo, plus the worries I had that he'd judge me on them, he just met mine last night – and it didn’t go too well. As if I need more stress, I’m starting to feel really insecure that my parent’s aren’t ‘good enough’ – I’ve become more worried about this as I get older, for several reasons, and I hope I don’t sound nasty or snobbish when I say them.
Neither of my parents had an education past 14. My dad is a manual labourer, who drinks a lot, and swears alot. My mum never really had a job – she got pregnant young and had four of us over many years. On the other hand, I went to an Oxbridge university, have a great job and speak very differently to them. This is a little weird for people who are meeting them for the first time I think, even though I do tend to joke about it beforehand so they know (in a nice way). I think this is because I hang out in totally different social circles to the ones that I grew up in (and I don't want to sound like a snob, but had I continued to hang out in them I would have definitely been much less happy right now just because they were really rough and I was already breaking the law etc and generally not being very clever with my life).
I'm generally the black sheep of the family and often the subject of mild, but constant piss-taking, because I'm different. One one hand they love that I've been succcessful; on the other I think they feel like my life is so alien they can't be bothered to find out what it entails.
They're also both seemingly unable to talk about anything beyond day to day chat anyway, or support me. I've never leaned on them emotionally, and have learnt I never will be able to (when I told my mum I was sexually abused as a child she said it wasnt her fault and just stared through me. I had to ask for a hug. Same goes for when I was sick - I had to shout and cry to get her to visit me).
Me and my parents want to talk about completely different things. They’re generally angry, and want to talk about politics (which they don’t know much about but still want to be angry about – throwing in a bit of casual racism too), their latest bargains from the pound shop, who’s died recently and how angry they are at…whatever. I don’t want to engage with most of this as it’s needlessly negative or just plain boring.
Neither of them are remotely really interested in what’s going on with me. They don’t really know what I do, or try to understand, and if they ask how work’s going they straight away just stare blankly through me and go back to the television if I actually try and go beyond ‘okay’ or ‘not that well’ or whatever. They tend to criticise me a lot for superficial things (like the fact that I was untidy growing up), but very little interest in my achievements over than how much money I might be making.
I do love them dearly and they’re both kind people underneath it all (if dysfunctional – my dad has a drinking problem and my mum has been depressed and angry for as long as I’ve known her). So I would love for them to get on with my boyfriend and for things to be okay.
But I introduced him to them last night and it was just so awkward. I think they were feeling awkward about the cancer and didn’t know what to say which made things much worse. They didn’t ask my boyfriend one question all night – just spoke over him and through him about inane stuff like how much the fudge cake cost. And he has a LOT to say and has a really interesting background / job (okay, he’s not working right now but up until recently) he could talk about. My sister’s boyfriend made a racist comment. My dad seemed extremely standoffish and wouldn’t even look at him.
I think my boyfriend was really disappointed and embarrassed for me, as he was extra nice afterwards. But I’m worried that behind it all he’s judging me for the way they behaved and the way they are. I know that if I’m going to stay in a nice relationship with someone from a more functional world (which also happens to be middle-class) I need to not be embarrassed about my parents. I’ve been seeing a therapist for three years and working through some of the consequences of growing up with them but one of the biggest is bad self-esteem, and the fact that this meeting was so embarrassing kind of confirmed my worst fears about him meeting them.
I’m now worried I’m going to go into a big tailspin of insecurity and start acting weird and like I’m not ‘good enough’ with my boyfriend, which will eventually lead to him feeling like that anyway. I can already feel myself imagining him judging them negatively and comparing them to his ex girlfriend's parents, and I just feel so inadequate. It's difficult not to let those fears, and the angry from them, come through into our relationship!
I feel lonely enough not having a family I feel a can relate to. It feels a little like my boyfriend could be my new family, if things worked out. I feel guilty for ‘leaving them behind’ in my mind but I feel like it’s an important part of growing into the person I want to be (my therapist thinks this too – he reckons that a lot of my emotional difficulties come from feeling guilty for striving for different things and happiness when my parents don’t have them, so I create obstacles for myself so I don't 'betray' my parents.)
Can anyone relate? Would love to hear stories of anyone who’s partner had embarrassing or difficult parents but they loved them anyway and things were okay, or indeed from those that got over difficult relationships with parents to have functional relationships as adults where parents didn't really matter anyway.
Best answer: I have embarrassing parents too and had a tough childhood and I think you're thinking about this the wrong way round. It is so much easier for people with good parents to become successful as adults than it is for people who had difficult childhoods and less advantageous family backgrounds. You should be even more proud of yourself and your achievements given your background than if you hadn't had these extra challenges to overcome. And if your boyfriend thinks differently then that says a lot more about him than it does about you. Not that he's given you any reason to think he's judging you negatively about them. He sounds lovely being extra nice to you after the visit.
You asked for stories. I have a wonderful, very happy marriage and my husband thinks my parents are incredibly selfish and difficult. It's massively stress-relieving for me to have someone to laugh about my awful parents with and helps me tolerate their stressful visits much better. My parents are basically comedy gold to my husband and to me, and not at all something to be embarrassed about.
posted by hazyjane at 9:35 AM on August 3, 2015 [20 favorites]
You asked for stories. I have a wonderful, very happy marriage and my husband thinks my parents are incredibly selfish and difficult. It's massively stress-relieving for me to have someone to laugh about my awful parents with and helps me tolerate their stressful visits much better. My parents are basically comedy gold to my husband and to me, and not at all something to be embarrassed about.
posted by hazyjane at 9:35 AM on August 3, 2015 [20 favorites]
Best answer: I come from a dysfunctional (though educated) family and my fiancé comes from a healthy family & likes family closeness. My fiancé adores me. He is balanced & healthy enough to separate me from my family. In fact, he is even more impressed at how far I've come, based on where I started. His family doesn't know the details of my life, but they do know I've had to do a lot on my own like put myself through university & they are similarly impressed. They judge me on my own merit & of course how well I get along with their son.
You don't need to leave your family behind physically but you do need to graduate from them emotionally. Don't throw them under the bus or reject them to please your guy, but do continue your therapy. What really turns you into a "functional class" person is how you deal with your life & emotions right now, so be loving towards your parents, have boundaries and carry on in your own trajectory. If your boyfriend & his parents are still so snooty as to not see the classy person before them, then they are not worth the pedestal you put them on, regardless of their education or middle class status.
It sounds like your parents felt uncomfortable around your guy. You can help ease the social interaction between your boyfriend and your parents by bringing up topics of mutual interest, and being a bit of social glue. It's ok to talk about fudge cake!
And fwiw I think it's a good sign that he was extra nice after. Sounds like you were feeling awkward too and he was trying to reassure you & make you feel better.
Keep on with the therapy. Good luck.
posted by serenity soonish at 9:37 AM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
You don't need to leave your family behind physically but you do need to graduate from them emotionally. Don't throw them under the bus or reject them to please your guy, but do continue your therapy. What really turns you into a "functional class" person is how you deal with your life & emotions right now, so be loving towards your parents, have boundaries and carry on in your own trajectory. If your boyfriend & his parents are still so snooty as to not see the classy person before them, then they are not worth the pedestal you put them on, regardless of their education or middle class status.
It sounds like your parents felt uncomfortable around your guy. You can help ease the social interaction between your boyfriend and your parents by bringing up topics of mutual interest, and being a bit of social glue. It's ok to talk about fudge cake!
And fwiw I think it's a good sign that he was extra nice after. Sounds like you were feeling awkward too and he was trying to reassure you & make you feel better.
Keep on with the therapy. Good luck.
posted by serenity soonish at 9:37 AM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
My husband's stepfather is a jackass. The husband knows it, and I know it. He's a racist pig who knows everything and was abusive to the hubs growing up. But when we lived in the same city with them we had to have dinner with his parents (mom and stepdad) at least once a month because he loves his mom and his mom -- for some reason we cannot fathom because she is a doll -- loves his stepdad beyond reason.
His birth father, who lives in a different state, is an old school "manly man" who flirts shamelessly with every single woman who comes across his path, manhandles them, and invades their personal space. Most people give him some leeway because he's old, but he has no concept of personal space at all. He also tends to run roughshod over everyone's idea, making plans and expecting everyone else to fall in step behind him. He doesn't give my husband much thought at all, and the last time we were supposed to meet him and the family for lunch he left us waiting outside while the rest of the family ordered and started eating. Even though it was before the appointed time. A lot of his family is like that actually, just ignoring our input and doing as they please.
I love my husband to death. I didn't marry his family. They are a part of his life that I have to deal with. An annoyance that I can grit my teeth and look like I'm smiling until it's over.
On the flip side of that coin, he has only met a few members of my family because most of my family and I are estranged (for reasons I won't go into here). So there's that. Be glad you and your family are still talking. You say you've left them behind. You haven't. I don't even know if my parents are alive or not. It's kind of a weird feeling really. Be glad you have any kind of relationship at all. Think about how awkward it is to explain to someone who loves their parents that you haven't talked to yours in decades, don't know where they live or even if they're alive.
posted by patheral at 9:37 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
His birth father, who lives in a different state, is an old school "manly man" who flirts shamelessly with every single woman who comes across his path, manhandles them, and invades their personal space. Most people give him some leeway because he's old, but he has no concept of personal space at all. He also tends to run roughshod over everyone's idea, making plans and expecting everyone else to fall in step behind him. He doesn't give my husband much thought at all, and the last time we were supposed to meet him and the family for lunch he left us waiting outside while the rest of the family ordered and started eating. Even though it was before the appointed time. A lot of his family is like that actually, just ignoring our input and doing as they please.
I love my husband to death. I didn't marry his family. They are a part of his life that I have to deal with. An annoyance that I can grit my teeth and look like I'm smiling until it's over.
On the flip side of that coin, he has only met a few members of my family because most of my family and I are estranged (for reasons I won't go into here). So there's that. Be glad you and your family are still talking. You say you've left them behind. You haven't. I don't even know if my parents are alive or not. It's kind of a weird feeling really. Be glad you have any kind of relationship at all. Think about how awkward it is to explain to someone who loves their parents that you haven't talked to yours in decades, don't know where they live or even if they're alive.
posted by patheral at 9:37 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
You stayed with him during cancer treatments, he isn't going to dump you because your family isn't perfect.
You have a lot of headspace being used on something that isn't that important. Acknowledge this to your boyfriend. Let him know that you are so self conscience about your family that it makes everyone feel awkward and tell him that he would have a better chance of getting to know them without you there. And then leave it up to him. If he wants to know your dad better, he can take him out for a beer. If he wants to bond with your mom, then he can take her to the grocery store. He may be able to see them as they are, instead of through your eyes, which are clouded with so much past that nothing is coming through all that clear.
If he just wants to love you for you, without your family, then that is okay too. The main thing is, until your headspace is clear, you need to remove yourself from the situation. Don't try hanging out with all of them together. You are the black sheep. You don't belong in that social situation. You don't want to be there so don't be there.
posted by myselfasme at 9:38 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
You have a lot of headspace being used on something that isn't that important. Acknowledge this to your boyfriend. Let him know that you are so self conscience about your family that it makes everyone feel awkward and tell him that he would have a better chance of getting to know them without you there. And then leave it up to him. If he wants to know your dad better, he can take him out for a beer. If he wants to bond with your mom, then he can take her to the grocery store. He may be able to see them as they are, instead of through your eyes, which are clouded with so much past that nothing is coming through all that clear.
If he just wants to love you for you, without your family, then that is okay too. The main thing is, until your headspace is clear, you need to remove yourself from the situation. Don't try hanging out with all of them together. You are the black sheep. You don't belong in that social situation. You don't want to be there so don't be there.
posted by myselfasme at 9:38 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
I always had a hard time with my father. I couldn't figure out why my visits with him felt so sad and hard and disconnected. Then my girlfriend at the time came with me to meet him. We spent a day and a half with him. As our Greyhound was pulling away, she said, "Oh my god! That was so hard! I can't believe it. I see why your visits are so hard. You father is so weird! He doesn't ask any questions about you, or what you or doing, or anything like that. He isn't acting like a parent!"
Having someone else - especially someone close - witness it and experience his behaviour, was so helpful for me. It helped contextualize, it answered questions, and it made me feel a hell of a lot better about myself. It brought my girlfriend and I closer too. Vulnerability can create deeper intimacy.
posted by miles1972 at 9:41 AM on August 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
Having someone else - especially someone close - witness it and experience his behaviour, was so helpful for me. It helped contextualize, it answered questions, and it made me feel a hell of a lot better about myself. It brought my girlfriend and I closer too. Vulnerability can create deeper intimacy.
posted by miles1972 at 9:41 AM on August 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
My husband has a father who is well-intentioned but ends up causing fusses at the wrong time, like our daughter's funeral. My parents are very mannered and cultured and also well-intentioned but suffering neurological issues and mental health issues.
Any partner worth his salt will not judge you for your family but join with you in walking the line between self-care and being a family. My husband's father grew up really harshly and dirt poor and sometimes that shows and that is him -- not my husband.
Very rarely that harshness shows up in my husband and then we talk it out.
So, let him in some; share your feelings and see what he says.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:20 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Any partner worth his salt will not judge you for your family but join with you in walking the line between self-care and being a family. My husband's father grew up really harshly and dirt poor and sometimes that shows and that is him -- not my husband.
Very rarely that harshness shows up in my husband and then we talk it out.
So, let him in some; share your feelings and see what he says.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:20 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
You might try being open with your boyfriend about your fears and insecurities around your upbringing and your parents. It's entirely possible that he would be happy to have the opportunity to return all the support you gave him during his illness. Support goes two ways in a healthy relationship. Give him the gift of being vulnerable and open to his support.
posted by mcduff at 10:30 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by mcduff at 10:30 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think my boyfriend was really disappointed and embarrassed for me, as he was extra nice afterwards. But I’m worried that behind it all he’s judging me for the way they behaved and the way they are.
You're seeing this whole situation through a very negative and unflattering lens. Your boyfriend loves you and, unless he's an awful person, is not judging you. He's probably marveling that you made it so far from the tree. He also must realize that not everyone comes from a picture perfect family and that you can't hold a person responsible for their parents' behavior. Maybe talk to him more about your complicated emotions and the tension you feel about both loving them as well as recognizing their faults and their poor parenting.
As a data point, I've been with my partner for 15 years and have not met one of his parents due to parental abuse issues. I would never dream of pressuring partner to introduce us, nor would I ever hold it against partner that his parent was abusive and the family was unhealthy/undsafe. My partner's ability to move far beyond his family of origin is a testament to how strong he is. I respect him tremendously for it.
posted by quince at 10:50 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
You're seeing this whole situation through a very negative and unflattering lens. Your boyfriend loves you and, unless he's an awful person, is not judging you. He's probably marveling that you made it so far from the tree. He also must realize that not everyone comes from a picture perfect family and that you can't hold a person responsible for their parents' behavior. Maybe talk to him more about your complicated emotions and the tension you feel about both loving them as well as recognizing their faults and their poor parenting.
As a data point, I've been with my partner for 15 years and have not met one of his parents due to parental abuse issues. I would never dream of pressuring partner to introduce us, nor would I ever hold it against partner that his parent was abusive and the family was unhealthy/undsafe. My partner's ability to move far beyond his family of origin is a testament to how strong he is. I respect him tremendously for it.
posted by quince at 10:50 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Try to think of yourself in a teeeeeeeny bit more American fashion, where having come from very humble roots and gone to an Oxbridge school is a mark of hard work, personal virtue, and good old American bootstrapping. Humble roots -- and the sometimes less-couth relatives that come with them -- are not in themselves embarrassing. (I mean, really, you are 90% of the way to an appropriate backstory for running for president.) Don't let it embarrass you! If you were American you'd try to find a way to mention this every third conversation, just so everyone knew you came from a humble background.
" They didn’t ask my boyfriend one question all night – just spoke over him and through him about inane stuff like how much the fudge cake cost. And he has a LOT to say and has a really interesting background / job (okay, he’s not working right now but up until recently) he could talk about. "
I mean, I think you talk about day-to-day stuff (as you said above) and leave the "interesting job stuff" for conversations with peers. They may be afraid they'll betray their ignorance by trying to talk to him about his fancy job, or they may be afraid he'll display himself as a class snob ... it's a little mine-fieldy. But that's why God gave us the weather to talk about. And gardening. And sportsball. And why politicians are all universally terrible regardless of party. And which celebrity is diddling whom. Have a few topics in your back pocket that you know interest your family that you and your boyfriend can chat about with them, that cross class lines or aren't threatening. I am sure that such a talented, nice person as your boyfriend is willing to, say, read up a little on your dad's favorite football side and ask your dad questions about whether he thinks the offseason trades were a good idea. Or whatever.
"I do love them dearly and they’re both kind people underneath it all "
And hey -- let's give them some credit! They managed to raise a very successful Oxbridge-going child with a big fancy job! That's tough when you're coming from a lower-class, manual-labor background! I hope both you and your boyfriend admire them for that. Your dad may swear a lot and talk in a lower-class fashion, but there are not that many fathers like that who managed to send a child off to Oxbridge and maintain a relationship with them afterwards despite big differences in class. It speaks well of all of you that you do maintain that relationship and love each other, even though the class divide is awkward (and there is lots and lots of literature on this in the US, the awkward social situation of being the educated white-collar child of uneducated blue-collar parents, as it was very common in the 30s through the 70s or so). I think you should all be proud of that.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:26 AM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
" They didn’t ask my boyfriend one question all night – just spoke over him and through him about inane stuff like how much the fudge cake cost. And he has a LOT to say and has a really interesting background / job (okay, he’s not working right now but up until recently) he could talk about. "
I mean, I think you talk about day-to-day stuff (as you said above) and leave the "interesting job stuff" for conversations with peers. They may be afraid they'll betray their ignorance by trying to talk to him about his fancy job, or they may be afraid he'll display himself as a class snob ... it's a little mine-fieldy. But that's why God gave us the weather to talk about. And gardening. And sportsball. And why politicians are all universally terrible regardless of party. And which celebrity is diddling whom. Have a few topics in your back pocket that you know interest your family that you and your boyfriend can chat about with them, that cross class lines or aren't threatening. I am sure that such a talented, nice person as your boyfriend is willing to, say, read up a little on your dad's favorite football side and ask your dad questions about whether he thinks the offseason trades were a good idea. Or whatever.
"I do love them dearly and they’re both kind people underneath it all "
And hey -- let's give them some credit! They managed to raise a very successful Oxbridge-going child with a big fancy job! That's tough when you're coming from a lower-class, manual-labor background! I hope both you and your boyfriend admire them for that. Your dad may swear a lot and talk in a lower-class fashion, but there are not that many fathers like that who managed to send a child off to Oxbridge and maintain a relationship with them afterwards despite big differences in class. It speaks well of all of you that you do maintain that relationship and love each other, even though the class divide is awkward (and there is lots and lots of literature on this in the US, the awkward social situation of being the educated white-collar child of uneducated blue-collar parents, as it was very common in the 30s through the 70s or so). I think you should all be proud of that.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:26 AM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
Your main issue is probably to internalize that your family is not you.
My husband and I grumble about my parents equally. I don't take it personally, Ifind it helpful to be able to share our occasional annoyance. At the same time, he understands that family visits are important, so he puts on his affable face and goes with me even though he'd rather hit the gym.
It's nothing personal.
If all is right, you and your boyfriend will be allies, he will understand and respect your relationship with your parents. Start by telling him how you feel.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:30 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
My husband and I grumble about my parents equally. I don't take it personally, Ifind it helpful to be able to share our occasional annoyance. At the same time, he understands that family visits are important, so he puts on his affable face and goes with me even though he'd rather hit the gym.
It's nothing personal.
If all is right, you and your boyfriend will be allies, he will understand and respect your relationship with your parents. Start by telling him how you feel.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:30 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Is there a reason that you haven't told all of this to your boyfriend, and you're instead asking here? Is it because you don't want to burden him with your problems, given he has bigger things to worry about right now? Because while what his facing is absolutely huge, it doesn't mean you have to swallow all your worries 100% of the time-- even if you're beating yourself up about being irrational, or this issue being silly. Your concerns aren't silly, and they merit a conversation with your boyfriend.
Because the reality is, most families are kinda dysfunctional. Even in functional families, there's usually at least one wayward family member -- my family isn't too bad, but my uncle on my Mom's side stole a bunch of money from my dying grandmother and is now estranged, and my late Aunt on my Dad's side just never, ever liked my mother -- and went so far as to send my mom a letter telling her so-- 30 years after my parents got married.
Your family is maybe a bit higher on the dysfunction scale, but no family is perfect, because people are imperfect. The situation with his exes parents, and perhaps even his parents to a certain extent, is not really super typical. Because even in families that outwardly seem perfect, there's still always something. For example, a friend I was once super close to really idolized the family of his ex, because they were middle-class well-to-do people who were both highly intelligent professors. But they were also perfectionists who took life way too seriously and snobbish and who gave their daughter a perfection complex because of it.
So how do you get past your familial issues? Use your words. Don't be afraid to lean on your boyfriend sometimes, too, even if his illness trumps everything right now. I get the feeling your communication with him hasn't been established properly probably because of his diagnosis early on in the relationship-- like you're afraid to take from him because of it, and also because you're anxious. I also feel like you love him a LOT and you don't want to disappoint him on any level... the thought of that is really scary for you. You seem to really care what he thinks, in general. Do you feel like you don't deserve someone as amazing as your boyfriend? Because that isn't true. Look at where you are now, from where you came from. And look at the fact you haven't balked despite the difficulties you're both facing. I guarantee, you're amazing too.
As others have said, anyone that is going to judge you, think less of you, or leave you because of where you came from isn't the kind of person that would be a a good partner to you anyway. If anything, he should be proud and inspired of who you are, and where you are now, despite your difficulties growing up. So really, don't be afraid of using your words. Your boyfriend loves you. Don't be afraid to take a little support from him too sometimes. In fact, I think that he would be grateful to be able to lend you a little support occasionally.
So the way to minimize awkwardness in that situation, for next time, is to warn him beforehand. "I'm excited for you to meet my family, but I'm going to warn you I'm a little nervous about it. The thing is, they're a little bit different. They're not super empathetic, and they're not super educated, and they're a little crass and loud. Don't be alarmed if my mom is ditzy and doesn't talk much, and my Dad talks politics and doesn't understand a whit of it. It'll probably be super awkward. I love them deep down but frankly, they're a little bit embarrassing."
Then at the end, you debrief him about it, "Oh man, that thing about the fudge-cake Mum kept harping on about was just...!" and you have a laugh about how you can't choose family and let it go.
You kind of need this disclaimer and debrief each time they're going to interact at first. Eventually he'll just get used to their quirks and issues, and it'll be fine. This is essentially how I got my boyfriend used to my mother (who is awesome, but has her own firey personality sometimes).
The thing is, when your boyfriend made it known that 'family is important to me' or that he liked being close to his ex's family he didn't mean; 'Your family isn't close/functional, ergo, it may be a dealbreaker for me and my past was way better!' You're viewing it that way, but that's not what he's actually said. So stop self sabotaging.
At this point, because it's making you so anxious, I'd tell him a bit of what you said here. Tell him about your childhood, and tell him about your fears and insecurities about feeling inferior to the relationship he had with his exes parents. Tell him how, because family means so much to him, and your family is flawed, it makes you feel insecure about them. Tell him that you don't like hearing about his past. (I have a feeling that this may be an issue here... I think that he tells you a lot about his past and you internalize a lot of it and/or compare yourself to a lot of it...). Let him reassure you about how he loves you in spite of your family, and then try and let that insecurity go and don't dwell on it any more. Therapy should help with this too. You guys need to work on communicating a bit better.
Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 11:36 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Because the reality is, most families are kinda dysfunctional. Even in functional families, there's usually at least one wayward family member -- my family isn't too bad, but my uncle on my Mom's side stole a bunch of money from my dying grandmother and is now estranged, and my late Aunt on my Dad's side just never, ever liked my mother -- and went so far as to send my mom a letter telling her so-- 30 years after my parents got married.
Your family is maybe a bit higher on the dysfunction scale, but no family is perfect, because people are imperfect. The situation with his exes parents, and perhaps even his parents to a certain extent, is not really super typical. Because even in families that outwardly seem perfect, there's still always something. For example, a friend I was once super close to really idolized the family of his ex, because they were middle-class well-to-do people who were both highly intelligent professors. But they were also perfectionists who took life way too seriously and snobbish and who gave their daughter a perfection complex because of it.
So how do you get past your familial issues? Use your words. Don't be afraid to lean on your boyfriend sometimes, too, even if his illness trumps everything right now. I get the feeling your communication with him hasn't been established properly probably because of his diagnosis early on in the relationship-- like you're afraid to take from him because of it, and also because you're anxious. I also feel like you love him a LOT and you don't want to disappoint him on any level... the thought of that is really scary for you. You seem to really care what he thinks, in general. Do you feel like you don't deserve someone as amazing as your boyfriend? Because that isn't true. Look at where you are now, from where you came from. And look at the fact you haven't balked despite the difficulties you're both facing. I guarantee, you're amazing too.
As others have said, anyone that is going to judge you, think less of you, or leave you because of where you came from isn't the kind of person that would be a a good partner to you anyway. If anything, he should be proud and inspired of who you are, and where you are now, despite your difficulties growing up. So really, don't be afraid of using your words. Your boyfriend loves you. Don't be afraid to take a little support from him too sometimes. In fact, I think that he would be grateful to be able to lend you a little support occasionally.
So the way to minimize awkwardness in that situation, for next time, is to warn him beforehand. "I'm excited for you to meet my family, but I'm going to warn you I'm a little nervous about it. The thing is, they're a little bit different. They're not super empathetic, and they're not super educated, and they're a little crass and loud. Don't be alarmed if my mom is ditzy and doesn't talk much, and my Dad talks politics and doesn't understand a whit of it. It'll probably be super awkward. I love them deep down but frankly, they're a little bit embarrassing."
Then at the end, you debrief him about it, "Oh man, that thing about the fudge-cake Mum kept harping on about was just...!" and you have a laugh about how you can't choose family and let it go.
You kind of need this disclaimer and debrief each time they're going to interact at first. Eventually he'll just get used to their quirks and issues, and it'll be fine. This is essentially how I got my boyfriend used to my mother (who is awesome, but has her own firey personality sometimes).
The thing is, when your boyfriend made it known that 'family is important to me' or that he liked being close to his ex's family he didn't mean; 'Your family isn't close/functional, ergo, it may be a dealbreaker for me and my past was way better!' You're viewing it that way, but that's not what he's actually said. So stop self sabotaging.
At this point, because it's making you so anxious, I'd tell him a bit of what you said here. Tell him about your childhood, and tell him about your fears and insecurities about feeling inferior to the relationship he had with his exes parents. Tell him how, because family means so much to him, and your family is flawed, it makes you feel insecure about them. Tell him that you don't like hearing about his past. (I have a feeling that this may be an issue here... I think that he tells you a lot about his past and you internalize a lot of it and/or compare yourself to a lot of it...). Let him reassure you about how he loves you in spite of your family, and then try and let that insecurity go and don't dwell on it any more. Therapy should help with this too. You guys need to work on communicating a bit better.
Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 11:36 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
My husband's father is JUST LIKE your parents. (His mother died many years ago.) My boyfriend is a very educated architect who left the deep American South as soon as he could. He comes from a family of coal miners who all live near each other in trailers. His extended family is awesome and hilarious and kind and smart, and I love spending time with them, even though he's a bit embarrassed by their thick accents and the way they chide me about being "an independent Northern girl" who doesn't cook for her husband enough.
His father, however, is completely different. He's outwardly friendly in a vague way but has probably never asked me a single question and probably doesn't know what I do for a living or whether I have siblings or where I grew up or anything a parent might want to know about someone his child married. I've never heard him ask my husband a question about the business he owns or show any interest in our lives. We go to his house, he puts some steaks on the grill, and he tells us all about church and his tractor collection and a deal he saw on eBay, etc., and just never ever addresses my husband or me at all. It's supremely weird. In the beginning, I generously thought that perhaps he had trouble relating to his son or knowing what to ask, but at this point I see he is just a bit self-involved and doesn't really have any interest. I don't mind too much and get along just fine with the dad by playing cards (and letting him win because he is a very sore loser), but I see how this guts my husband. I ask what I can do to help, and he asks me to handle all the labor of listening to his dad and asking appropriate questions and choosing which card game we'll play, etc., because he just can't do it without getting angry about how little his father cares. I'm happy to accept this and help out. It makes me feel trusted.
I am SO GLAD I'm around to see it. My husband will never really be able to joke about his dad because it hurts him too much, and we don't acknowledge it often, but it helps me see my husband in full and know who he is in his entirety. I admire his success in achieving everything he wanted without having any emotional support whatsoever, but it also helps me to see where he got some of the behavior that drives me nuts and recontextualize it. Not only am I more proud of him, but I'm also way more supportive and sympathetic. Like, I get why he has trouble understanding why some people need emotional support and why he's awful when he loses at cards and why he has some feelings about class divisions that I would otherwise find closed-off or bizarre.
My parents can be embarrassing too (once they asked my boyfriend if he was the only one in his family who had all his teeth, like, OMG I died) but I just hope it helps him understand me and how I'm built so our relationship can work within those parameters. It is tough and hurtful stuff on occasion, letting people know this stuff about us, but it helps us know each other better.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 12:19 PM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
His father, however, is completely different. He's outwardly friendly in a vague way but has probably never asked me a single question and probably doesn't know what I do for a living or whether I have siblings or where I grew up or anything a parent might want to know about someone his child married. I've never heard him ask my husband a question about the business he owns or show any interest in our lives. We go to his house, he puts some steaks on the grill, and he tells us all about church and his tractor collection and a deal he saw on eBay, etc., and just never ever addresses my husband or me at all. It's supremely weird. In the beginning, I generously thought that perhaps he had trouble relating to his son or knowing what to ask, but at this point I see he is just a bit self-involved and doesn't really have any interest. I don't mind too much and get along just fine with the dad by playing cards (and letting him win because he is a very sore loser), but I see how this guts my husband. I ask what I can do to help, and he asks me to handle all the labor of listening to his dad and asking appropriate questions and choosing which card game we'll play, etc., because he just can't do it without getting angry about how little his father cares. I'm happy to accept this and help out. It makes me feel trusted.
I am SO GLAD I'm around to see it. My husband will never really be able to joke about his dad because it hurts him too much, and we don't acknowledge it often, but it helps me see my husband in full and know who he is in his entirety. I admire his success in achieving everything he wanted without having any emotional support whatsoever, but it also helps me to see where he got some of the behavior that drives me nuts and recontextualize it. Not only am I more proud of him, but I'm also way more supportive and sympathetic. Like, I get why he has trouble understanding why some people need emotional support and why he's awful when he loses at cards and why he has some feelings about class divisions that I would otherwise find closed-off or bizarre.
My parents can be embarrassing too (once they asked my boyfriend if he was the only one in his family who had all his teeth, like, OMG I died) but I just hope it helps him understand me and how I'm built so our relationship can work within those parameters. It is tough and hurtful stuff on occasion, letting people know this stuff about us, but it helps us know each other better.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 12:19 PM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you were abused via neglect growing up. They are not great parents, and it doesn't sound as if they notice or care about you at all. You should process this loss of the idea of family in therapy.
You don't really have a family or parents, and you don't seem to grok that yet. When you do grok that you don't have family, you won't feel so embarrassed by the weird way these people with labels ("mom" "dad" ) behave. Their behavior does not match their labels. Focus on this and come to terms with it yourself. Youi'll be fine once you do this.
It's nice that you are trying to maintain a relationship, but since they aren't really family to you, you can let the whole thing fade out. It sounds as if they wouldn't miss you at all. Let it go and see how things turn out.
You're having difficulties because you are clinging to ideas instead of reality. The reality here is you are not close to these people, they do not fir the definition of "family.". That's fine. That;s just what it is. It's no more or less complicated than that.
posted by jbenben at 12:34 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
You don't really have a family or parents, and you don't seem to grok that yet. When you do grok that you don't have family, you won't feel so embarrassed by the weird way these people with labels ("mom" "dad" ) behave. Their behavior does not match their labels. Focus on this and come to terms with it yourself. Youi'll be fine once you do this.
It's nice that you are trying to maintain a relationship, but since they aren't really family to you, you can let the whole thing fade out. It sounds as if they wouldn't miss you at all. Let it go and see how things turn out.
You're having difficulties because you are clinging to ideas instead of reality. The reality here is you are not close to these people, they do not fir the definition of "family.". That's fine. That;s just what it is. It's no more or less complicated than that.
posted by jbenben at 12:34 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Nthing that you can share these feelings with him! A great thing about having a partner is having someone you can share your troubles with. It's not disloyal to your parents to talk about your issues with them, though it might be detrimental to your relationship to bottle them up. You can also lead the discourse about your parents. It seems like you probably wouldn't be comfortable with your boyfriend making jokes at your parents' expense, so don't make any yourself. Talk to him about them the way you write about them. "I love my parents, but sometimes I feel embarrassed because they don't seem to have a clue about [political issue]." "I'm sorry they never asked about you, that's just how they are, I hope you don't take it personally!" I'm sure he wants to be on Team You so he will follow your lead.
posted by chaiminda at 1:05 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by chaiminda at 1:05 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I meet my friends' parents with degrees and corporate jobs and whatnot, I know from experience that they'll be doing that kind of Elder Statesperson Thing where they are putting in a lot of effort to include me in their conversation, or keep redirecting their conversation so it's about things I'm familiar with. There's some assumption that their experience is broader and richer than mine (because they're older) and it's a politeness not to go off talking complicated grownup stuff and leaving me out.
Meeting friends' parents who are from working class backgrounds, I get the feeling that there's embarrassment from them, that they feel they should be able to do that thing but they can't, because their assessment of "topics we may have in common" only includes stuff they think is kind of trivial and I'll look down on it. They can't ask about my education or my work because they think the conversation will end up making them feel stupid. So I'm pretty used to having to take some of the weight there and get people talking about their kids or their new kitchen or how cute their pets are. Or how much we all enjoy getting a bargain at the pound shop.
BUT once I find something we can both/all talk about that makes everything a lot easier and way less awkward. Somehow you find you have way more in common with somebody, when you're talking about letting a kid cross the road on their own for the first time, or how they decided to put in a breakfast bar or whatever.
Also they are embarrassed that you might be judging them for their Nescafe and Fray Bentos pies or whatever other parts of their existence mark them out as Not Like You.
Your boyfriend may well know this already. If he doesn't, I'm sure he can learn it.
posted by emilyw at 2:58 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Meeting friends' parents who are from working class backgrounds, I get the feeling that there's embarrassment from them, that they feel they should be able to do that thing but they can't, because their assessment of "topics we may have in common" only includes stuff they think is kind of trivial and I'll look down on it. They can't ask about my education or my work because they think the conversation will end up making them feel stupid. So I'm pretty used to having to take some of the weight there and get people talking about their kids or their new kitchen or how cute their pets are. Or how much we all enjoy getting a bargain at the pound shop.
BUT once I find something we can both/all talk about that makes everything a lot easier and way less awkward. Somehow you find you have way more in common with somebody, when you're talking about letting a kid cross the road on their own for the first time, or how they decided to put in a breakfast bar or whatever.
Also they are embarrassed that you might be judging them for their Nescafe and Fray Bentos pies or whatever other parts of their existence mark them out as Not Like You.
Your boyfriend may well know this already. If he doesn't, I'm sure he can learn it.
posted by emilyw at 2:58 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks guys, this had made me feel much better :) You're right, I should talk to my boyfriend about it, but the chemo has screwed with his brain and the time we spend together so much that it's difficult for me to find the space to do it - whenever things are okay, I don't want to bring another issue in. But perhaps that's an excuse. I don't like revealing vulnerability, in case that he hasn't noticed a 'crack' yet and then it becomes really obvious to him after I've spoken about it. I also find that after getting upset about something, I find a way of interpreting the other person as being pissed off that I've used up their energy and time comforting me (ironically, they then do end up being a bit pissy - I think becuase I'm giving off vibes that I expect them to be). I love the idea of giving someone the 'gift' of being vulnerable. It is a gift. It makes me feel threatened and exposed. But I guess that's what good relationships are good at soothing, and I know at some point when my boyfriend is feeling a little better I should take the risk with this one, as he is generally wonderful.
posted by starstarstar at 6:27 AM on August 4, 2015
posted by starstarstar at 6:27 AM on August 4, 2015
Glad you're feeling a bit better! You don't have to worry about showing "cracks". No one is perfect and no one wants to date a stepford wife anyway. You deserve love just as you are. I think it's going to take some work on your self esteem before you truly believe that but I promise you it's true. Despite what you perceive as your flaws, despite any bad habits and despite your family of origin. Despite being occasionally needy (which is perfectly understandable by the way especially given all you're going through and your background). Also, someone being a little pissed off with you is absolutely not the end of the world. People get pissed off with their loved ones from time to time, and it's ok. The world is not black and white - and you're neither perfect nor awful, and that's ok too.
Let me repeat for emphasis: you deserve love just as you are.
posted by hazyjane at 10:16 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Let me repeat for emphasis: you deserve love just as you are.
posted by hazyjane at 10:16 PM on August 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Could they have been nervous and uncertain about what they could say that would be interesting or helpful?
posted by amtho at 9:19 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]