How to gauge interest and deal with rejection in early stages of dating?
August 2, 2015 12:19 PM Subscribe
After a pretty rough breakup in January, I'm starting to be open to the idea of dating again. However, I don't find myself romantically attracted to very many people, so when I do find someone I am interested in, I tend to get my hopes up. I started talking to a guy and feel like I am receiving mixed signals - how do I gauge interest and deal with the possibility of rejection after hoping this would work out?
After struggling with a recent breakup for several months, I finally found another man I am interested in on a dating app, whose profile stated he is looking for a relationship, and I reached out to him. He responded kindly, and we exchanged messages for about a week, with him initiating contact each day. He seemed a little short in his replies, answering my questions but not really asking me questions back apart from when he would initiate the conversation each day. I was a little confused that he didn't seem to be too involved in the conversation, but was interested enough to keep contacting me each day, so I tried to not put too much thought into it.
Then one night the conversation picked up pretty nicely, and he asked if I'd like to chat on the phone. I was a little surprised and took it as a positive sign of some interest on his end. He was MUCH more talkative on the phone than in writing, very comfortable to talk to, and we chatted for a couple of hours. We both laughed and shared stories and I felt good about it overall. The only negative bit was that I felt he hadn't shown as much interest as I'd like in getting to know me - he asked a few questions here and there, but it was mostly him doing the talking. Also, at one point he asked me, "So what made you want to talk to me?" which I thought was a bit of a weird question. I told him I thought he looked handsome and interesting and I wanted to get to know him better.
He messaged me again the morning after the call. I told him I enjoyed the call and asked if he would be open to chatting on the phone again, and he said, "Yes, that would be cool." He mentioned that I was welcome to call him as well, and that he would be at work that night and bored and I was welcome to call him then, but it felt weird to me to call him while he was at work so I didn't call him that night.
Then he disappeared for four days with no contact, where I tried to reach out to him once, until yesterday morning when he apologized for taking so long to get back to me, that he had gone on a trip in the mountains and hadn't had service. My anxiety kind of got the best of me during this period, where I realized that I had probably gotten my hopes up a little too high and oh god what did I do why is he not responding all of a sudden.
How do I navigate this and figure out what he is looking for when I feel like I am getting mixed signals? I look at the positive signs like him initiating contact every day (until this mountain trip), suggesting a phone call, the fact that the call went on for several hours, etc and feel like maybe there is interest. But then I look at the fact that I haven't seen any romantic indicators at all from him, that he doesn't ask as many questions about me as I think would be appropriate for someone you were really interested in getting to know...
I am trying to stay true to myself in contacting him when I feel like it, not playing games, etc. but I also have a little bit of anxiety sometimes, especially over things like this where I am hopeful but unclear, so I have kind of been holding back from asking to chat more or being direct until I feel I have a clearer indicator of interest on his part. I don't want to feel like I am doing the chasing, as I generally think that when a man is interested he will make it clear, but in this situation I am just confused.
A complicating factor is that he recently moved and is a couple of states away now - not a distance that would hinder anything from developing, in my mind (a good day's drive of 11 - 12 hours) but perhaps something that complicates the issue, as we can't really just meet up and go on an impromptu coffee date as I would ask him to do if he were closer.
I realize that I should not be getting up hopes up too high for someone I have only been talking to for two weeks, and that I should continue to look around, but as mentioned previously I do not find myself romantically interested in very many people, so when I do find someone who I think could be a good fit (especially after worrying I would never find someone I would love as deeply as my last relationship) I can get a little anxious, especially when I feel they are sending mixed signals.
How do I best handle this situation and figure out if we are on the same page without winding myself up into a bundle of anxiety and fear of rejection?
After struggling with a recent breakup for several months, I finally found another man I am interested in on a dating app, whose profile stated he is looking for a relationship, and I reached out to him. He responded kindly, and we exchanged messages for about a week, with him initiating contact each day. He seemed a little short in his replies, answering my questions but not really asking me questions back apart from when he would initiate the conversation each day. I was a little confused that he didn't seem to be too involved in the conversation, but was interested enough to keep contacting me each day, so I tried to not put too much thought into it.
Then one night the conversation picked up pretty nicely, and he asked if I'd like to chat on the phone. I was a little surprised and took it as a positive sign of some interest on his end. He was MUCH more talkative on the phone than in writing, very comfortable to talk to, and we chatted for a couple of hours. We both laughed and shared stories and I felt good about it overall. The only negative bit was that I felt he hadn't shown as much interest as I'd like in getting to know me - he asked a few questions here and there, but it was mostly him doing the talking. Also, at one point he asked me, "So what made you want to talk to me?" which I thought was a bit of a weird question. I told him I thought he looked handsome and interesting and I wanted to get to know him better.
He messaged me again the morning after the call. I told him I enjoyed the call and asked if he would be open to chatting on the phone again, and he said, "Yes, that would be cool." He mentioned that I was welcome to call him as well, and that he would be at work that night and bored and I was welcome to call him then, but it felt weird to me to call him while he was at work so I didn't call him that night.
Then he disappeared for four days with no contact, where I tried to reach out to him once, until yesterday morning when he apologized for taking so long to get back to me, that he had gone on a trip in the mountains and hadn't had service. My anxiety kind of got the best of me during this period, where I realized that I had probably gotten my hopes up a little too high and oh god what did I do why is he not responding all of a sudden.
How do I navigate this and figure out what he is looking for when I feel like I am getting mixed signals? I look at the positive signs like him initiating contact every day (until this mountain trip), suggesting a phone call, the fact that the call went on for several hours, etc and feel like maybe there is interest. But then I look at the fact that I haven't seen any romantic indicators at all from him, that he doesn't ask as many questions about me as I think would be appropriate for someone you were really interested in getting to know...
I am trying to stay true to myself in contacting him when I feel like it, not playing games, etc. but I also have a little bit of anxiety sometimes, especially over things like this where I am hopeful but unclear, so I have kind of been holding back from asking to chat more or being direct until I feel I have a clearer indicator of interest on his part. I don't want to feel like I am doing the chasing, as I generally think that when a man is interested he will make it clear, but in this situation I am just confused.
A complicating factor is that he recently moved and is a couple of states away now - not a distance that would hinder anything from developing, in my mind (a good day's drive of 11 - 12 hours) but perhaps something that complicates the issue, as we can't really just meet up and go on an impromptu coffee date as I would ask him to do if he were closer.
I realize that I should not be getting up hopes up too high for someone I have only been talking to for two weeks, and that I should continue to look around, but as mentioned previously I do not find myself romantically interested in very many people, so when I do find someone who I think could be a good fit (especially after worrying I would never find someone I would love as deeply as my last relationship) I can get a little anxious, especially when I feel they are sending mixed signals.
How do I best handle this situation and figure out if we are on the same page without winding myself up into a bundle of anxiety and fear of rejection?
Assuming that you have accurate pictures on the dating app, you can assume that he's interested if he asks for an in-person meeting / first-date within a day or two of your first consequential conversation (including email exchanges). Drawing it out any longer is 90%+ a sign of unavailability or ambivalence. If you have no or inaccurate pictures, you can't assume he's interested until after the first in-person date and he's still moving assertively.
posted by MattD at 12:37 PM on August 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by MattD at 12:37 PM on August 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I understand you aren't attracted to many people. That's a good thing: it is very important to be selective as well as careful when we decide to let someone into our lives, especially romantic partners.
But I might suggest that you are not actually being selective once you decide that you are romantically attracted to someone. Dating is a series of interactions that give you data about another person. How you feel about these interactions in the moment matters: ease of conversation, attraction, etc. But you also are evaluating the person and how they may fit in your life. You have not met this guy and you don't actually know much about him at all. You know what he put in his profile and you know how he talks on the phone in a situation where he is trying to charm and impress you. The person you are romantically attracted to is not the same guy. You don't know enough to make a decision about this guy yet.
I guess that for me thinking of dating as a data collection method works really well. I ask myself stuff like - do I have fun? Do I look forward to seeing them? Do they fit everything on my list of qualities I look for in a long-term partner (and yes I suggest that you make this list - include positive attributes that matter to you in a partner rather than things you don't want if at all possible)? Did he handle that conflict well? Etcetera. This method helps me personally not get too invested too soon - something of which I have been guilty in the past to my great regret.
Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 12:39 PM on August 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
But I might suggest that you are not actually being selective once you decide that you are romantically attracted to someone. Dating is a series of interactions that give you data about another person. How you feel about these interactions in the moment matters: ease of conversation, attraction, etc. But you also are evaluating the person and how they may fit in your life. You have not met this guy and you don't actually know much about him at all. You know what he put in his profile and you know how he talks on the phone in a situation where he is trying to charm and impress you. The person you are romantically attracted to is not the same guy. You don't know enough to make a decision about this guy yet.
I guess that for me thinking of dating as a data collection method works really well. I ask myself stuff like - do I have fun? Do I look forward to seeing them? Do they fit everything on my list of qualities I look for in a long-term partner (and yes I suggest that you make this list - include positive attributes that matter to you in a partner rather than things you don't want if at all possible)? Did he handle that conflict well? Etcetera. This method helps me personally not get too invested too soon - something of which I have been guilty in the past to my great regret.
Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 12:39 PM on August 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
He's interested in your interest in him. That's it. Sorry.
I'd try to meet in person much faster than this in the future.
posted by quincunx at 12:39 PM on August 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'd try to meet in person much faster than this in the future.
posted by quincunx at 12:39 PM on August 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer:
I mean, the problem with the whole way you're going about this is that you're waiting for him to bring up the conversation topic. Everything he does is potentially loaded with meaning for you, because you are expecting him to do something at some point to signal interest in an exclusive relationship, but as far as we know, he has no knowledge of your desire to get to this conversation ASAP. He may very well just be a match for you but he may be going at a slower pace.
So. Instead of being passive and waiting, possibly forever, for him to move things in the direction you want him to, take a more active role. If you lived near each other I would say ask him out for a date and make it explicitly clear that this is a date – not a casual meet up. But I'm not really sure how you can do this given that he lives 10 hours away from you. That distance presents a logistical challenge. The point I want to make is, you can push things in a direction that will bring up the conversation of "I am looking for a relationship like X, what are you looking for?"
I think it's worth considering why this most obvious solution to your conundrum is not something you jumped at immediately. I suspect that a big part of it is a fear of rejection. You sound like you're really just afraid of this whole thing not working out. That fear may actually limit you from finding what you're looking for, if you are too afraid of rejection to ask for it.
posted by deathpanels at 12:44 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
How do I navigate this and figure out what he is looking for when I feel like I am getting mixed signals?Have you considered, you know, asking him? I mean literally ask him, "what are you looking for in a relationship?" And then follow that up with a brief conversation about what you want. Then you compare notes and see if your hopes are well-placed or not.
I mean, the problem with the whole way you're going about this is that you're waiting for him to bring up the conversation topic. Everything he does is potentially loaded with meaning for you, because you are expecting him to do something at some point to signal interest in an exclusive relationship, but as far as we know, he has no knowledge of your desire to get to this conversation ASAP. He may very well just be a match for you but he may be going at a slower pace.
So. Instead of being passive and waiting, possibly forever, for him to move things in the direction you want him to, take a more active role. If you lived near each other I would say ask him out for a date and make it explicitly clear that this is a date – not a casual meet up. But I'm not really sure how you can do this given that he lives 10 hours away from you. That distance presents a logistical challenge. The point I want to make is, you can push things in a direction that will bring up the conversation of "I am looking for a relationship like X, what are you looking for?"
I think it's worth considering why this most obvious solution to your conundrum is not something you jumped at immediately. I suspect that a big part of it is a fear of rejection. You sound like you're really just afraid of this whole thing not working out. That fear may actually limit you from finding what you're looking for, if you are too afraid of rejection to ask for it.
posted by deathpanels at 12:44 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Instead of trying to figure out if he likes you or analyzing his calling patterns, try to focus on how he makes you feel. It sounds like he makes you feel anxious and worried, which doesn't sound like much fun. I would keep looking, if I were you (and I have been), until I found the one who makes me feel good no matter how often he calls or doesn't call. It can take a lifetime but it is totally worth it. It is better to be alone and looking for the right person than to be miserable with the wrong person.
posted by myselfasme at 12:46 PM on August 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 12:46 PM on August 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
In general if someone answers my messages but doesn't ask questions back, I let the conversation drop and move on to someone who seems more interested in talking to me.
Some people just like to chat and flirt online and aren't interested in actually meeting up. This could because they are married, because they are already dating someone(s) but like to know that there are more options out there, or any number of other reasons. Honestly he sounds like one of these.
Look for people who live close enough that you can meet soon. And be very aware that gauging someone's attractiveness through their profile pictures is tricky. I've gone out with people who I thought I would be very attracted to from their pictures, who in person just didn't do it for me. And exactly the opposite has happened too. So focus on values and shared interests when rating profiles, and meet in person to gauge attraction. Plan on meeting several people before you find someone you really click with.
Keep in mind this rule of thumb: never get super excited about someone you haven't met in person. They are strangers from the internet and are probably perfectly decent people but caution is always appropriate.
posted by bunderful at 12:52 PM on August 2, 2015 [8 favorites]
Some people just like to chat and flirt online and aren't interested in actually meeting up. This could because they are married, because they are already dating someone(s) but like to know that there are more options out there, or any number of other reasons. Honestly he sounds like one of these.
Look for people who live close enough that you can meet soon. And be very aware that gauging someone's attractiveness through their profile pictures is tricky. I've gone out with people who I thought I would be very attracted to from their pictures, who in person just didn't do it for me. And exactly the opposite has happened too. So focus on values and shared interests when rating profiles, and meet in person to gauge attraction. Plan on meeting several people before you find someone you really click with.
Keep in mind this rule of thumb: never get super excited about someone you haven't met in person. They are strangers from the internet and are probably perfectly decent people but caution is always appropriate.
posted by bunderful at 12:52 PM on August 2, 2015 [8 favorites]
Based on how he makes you feel, how he's been acting and that he lives 11-12 hours away, I say cut your losses and move on.
posted by kinetic at 1:12 PM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by kinetic at 1:12 PM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel like he's interested, then he isn't interested.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:33 PM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:33 PM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Pass on dating guys who aren't nearby... unless your town's dating pool is so small it's a necessity. It's much easier to gauge a guy's interest when you're able to meet up in-person on a regular basis. Because basically, his willingness to meet up with you is how you tell he's interested.
Relationships that began long-distance and worked out are the exception, not the rule.
posted by lizbunny at 1:39 PM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Relationships that began long-distance and worked out are the exception, not the rule.
posted by lizbunny at 1:39 PM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
In the beginning stages of dating, I take people at face value and only give them the benefit of the doubt when they have earned it.
I'm sorry this is causing you a bit of anxiety. In the future, I suggest avoiding second-guessing what your intuition is telling you when people are sending mixed signals and not making an effort to meet you halfway.
posted by tackypink at 1:44 PM on August 2, 2015
I'm sorry this is causing you a bit of anxiety. In the future, I suggest avoiding second-guessing what your intuition is telling you when people are sending mixed signals and not making an effort to meet you halfway.
posted by tackypink at 1:44 PM on August 2, 2015
That was one of those guys who's interested in you only as a mirror for his own obvious magnificence; he was interested in answering your questions, asking none of his own except one to stroke his own ego. Frankly, you dodged a bullet here.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:57 PM on August 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:57 PM on August 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
I hear ya on hardly ever being attracted to people. But.... you have to have like, no hopes when it comes to online dating. A guy you met on a dating site/app/whatever can and will flake out at any time whatsoever. A guy who lives 11-12 hours away is HIGHLY UNLIKELY to stick it out dating some girl he is talking to online and hasn't even met yet.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:59 PM on August 2, 2015
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:59 PM on August 2, 2015
Echoing what others have said... if he's not putting much effort at this stage of the game, it can only go down from here. I definitely don't condone playing games, but I feel like you should only "do what you feel like" if you're feeling like you're in or on your way to a healthy, fun, two-way street relationship, which this doesn't sound like it it so far. If you're anxious and paranoid, it is not a good time to call him whenever you feel like, because that will probably end up being too often.
You will be interested in other guys, and it will feel so much better when they are interested in you as well :)
posted by madonna of the unloved at 11:31 PM on August 2, 2015
You will be interested in other guys, and it will feel so much better when they are interested in you as well :)
posted by madonna of the unloved at 11:31 PM on August 2, 2015
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You can brace yourself for rejection by managing your expectations and by keeping your options open. I would get into conversations with several people at once with the expectation that you may not even have to decide between two of them since some of those conversations will peter out due to the realities of online dating.
Also, a trip in the mountains with no service? Please.
posted by alphanerd at 12:36 PM on August 2, 2015 [12 favorites]